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The backing track wasn't correct, and it was driving Tyler so far up a wall that he wanted to start ripping his hair out. Like, seriously. His knuckles were white as his hands curled tightly around the front of his hair, eyes bloodshot from sleep deprivation despite the fact that it was three in the afternoon. Which, he figured, made a lot of sense, since he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep in the past thirty-six hours.
And Tyler (being Tyler) wasn't just going to sleep. Not when there was a song to perfect. If he let himself do that, he'd probably never forgive himself. Too many valuable ideas were swirling around his head. Whenever he felt himself drift off, he jolted awake and took another sip of the (not very cold) Red Bull sitting on the little wooden table nearby.
Basically, all he knew was that if he fell asleep, he would miss the moment where he would magically find a way to fix all of the problems with the song.
His plan was clearly going seamlessly.
Heaving a sigh and uttering something under his breath that was closer to a swear than he intended, he let go of his hair, letting his head fall onto the piano with a thud. It made a less than appealing sound.
Geez.
The logical part of his brain was screaming at him. Literally, no magical idea would come out of the blue and slap him across the face when he was so delirious he could barely form a coherent sentence. Yet, there was that nagging voice that was always present in some form or another, that forced his brain to stay awake and work harder.
He laughed dryly as he pondered the difference between working hard and working oneself to death. There was a line, and he was standing on it.
The song (tentatively named Lovely) sat there, silently, taunting Tyler.
Of course, there was the option to scrap it, which he'd done with the majority of the impulsive demos he had messed around with at some odd hour of the night. But the option wasn't there for Tyler, half because of the fact that the song was almost done, and half because he was clinging onto something as a constant.
Chris left the band, like, two weeks ago, and Tyler didn't think they were gonna make it. Cause Nick wasn't exactly the most enthusiastic member of the band, either (no offense to him, of course), and then there was Tyler.
Out of place, dedicated 'till the bitter end, and oh-so alone.
But he always finished what he started, and this song wasn't finished. Plus, this album was coming out whether he was the only member of the band or not. He swore it to himself the night Chris left, while Tyler stared aimlessly at the dim fluorescent-lit ceiling, watching some fly hit the light and burn its wings off, and wondering where it all had gone wrong.
So here he was, head resting on the tired keys of a piano, eyes half lidded and heavy, and spirit surviving as if it was comprised of weeds trying to grow whilst buried under a foot of snow.
(Not to be edgy).
He didn't remember just how long he had stayed like that, but at some point he was startled out of whatever fever-dream he was having when his phone went off.
Shit. He fell asleep.
Blinking his eyes in effort to focus, Tyler grabbed the phone blindly, using his free hand to rub his eyes.
They focused after a long moment. Or a short one. Time was hard to grasp. It was 5:14 PM, same day, and his phone was still ringing. He'd slept for two hours.
Sliding the call button without reading the name on the screen, Tyler leaned back in his chair, bringing the phone to his ear.
"Mm?"
"Dude, this is like, the fifth time I've tried calling you. Started wondering if you got into a fistfight or something and didn't tell me."
Josh's voice wasn't accusatory, more just worried, and a little relieved.
"Oh— uh, hey Josh," Tyler responded, not quite processing his voice just yet.
"Hey," Josh said, with a pause. "You good, man?"
"I- yeah, yeah, I'm good. Just—" he sighed a little, "Just working on that song. I think I fell asleep for a couple hours."
"Tyler?"
"Yeah?"
"When was the last time you slept. Like, before that nap."
Tyler paused. The silence was telling enough.
"Could I plead the fifth?"
Josh chuckled a little bit, despite himself. "No."
"Was worth a shot," Tyler said, a small smile creeping onto his face.
The realization that he hadn't talked to Josh since his little excursion into his basement suddenly slapped him across the face, hard.
Shit.
"Oh, shoot," Tyler interrupted himself. "I— dude, I'm sorry, I lost track of time trying to get this song to work. It's literally eating me alive."
"So, from what you're saying, you haven't slept in a good day. A solid twenty-four hours."
Tyler closed his eyes. "Besides the nap I just took? More like thirty-six. Or something like that."
"Tyler."
Josh didn't seem disappointed in him, of course, but Tyler couldn't analyze the tone of his voice through the phone static when only approximately three of his braincells were working. So he went with: Slightly Worried, I Think.
"Yeah?" Tyler mumbled.
"Take a break."
Tyler didn't think a simple, common combination of three words would be so hard to understand, but here he was.
"A break," he parroted.
Josh paused, confused. "Yeah."
Under any other circumstances (or even a few hours ago) Tyler would have tried to muster enough energy to argue. He'd probably spew some nonsense about his creativity being at its best when he was tired, or how the breakthrough he needed with the song was so close to being realized. But as he stood up on slightly shaky legs and stared in the mirror and realized that his forehead was imprinted with the ugly red outlines of piano keys, the words died in his throat.
"Okay," Tyler said with a sigh, defeated. Josh could barely hear him. "How."
Josh couldn't contain his laughter. "How?"
"Yeah. I don't exactly think I can trust myself taking a break in here when my piano and everything is right in front—"
"Then I'll pick you up. We can, like, take a spin around the neighborhood or something. I'll think of something to do."
The thought of being exposed to the fresh air was almost thrilling. After nights of telling Josh that he'd sleep, and then staying up wrestling with the same song over and over, this was new. A break in that weird cycle he'd created for himself. And a moment to see Josh, again, after what felt like forever.
After a few seconds, Tyler spoke again. "Sounds good, man."
"Alright, I'll be there in a few then! See ya."
The line cut off abruptly.
Tyler almost felt like a new person, save for the grogginess left over from his inadequate nap, and the disorientation that was plainly visible by the angry red marks left on his forehead by the piano keys. Other than that, he had it in the bag. He walked outside, Josh's car parked in front of his house. Upon Tyler's appearance outside the doorway, Josh's face lit up into a bright smile, accompanied by a little wave of the hand.
He was a ray of honest-to-God sunshine. Tyler hated that sometimes— that is— the fact that he couldn't read everyone. It usually worked mostly according to plan, with him being able to tell approximately what kind of interaction he was about to have. But some people slipped through the cracks.
Of course, one of those people happened to be his best friend.
He'd expected him to be a total dick, really. Maybe it was the stereotype of dudes with cool hair and nose piercings creeping into his consciousness.
No, yeah, that was definitely it.
But when Josh's mouth had twitched up into a smile rather than contorting into a scowl, Tyler was confused. Instead of pointing out all the insecurities that Tyler had floating aimlessly in his mind after every show (that, oh God, he had messed it all up and everyone was too nice to tell him) Josh had told him that the show was fantastic, and for a second all of those nagging voices inside of his head quieted.
It was... weird. But he welcomed it.
And now Josh was sitting in his car with the window rolled down, the same wide smile spread across his face. Except, this time around it had the warmth of familiarity attached to it.
As Tyler approached the car, though, Josh's eyes flicked up and his expression changed into one of confusion. Tyler mirrored this, unsure about what the big deal was, until he realized that he was no longer making eye contact, staring at Tyler's forehead instead.
Shit. The marks were still there, weren't they.
They were. "Dude, wha-"
"I took a nap. Never said it was a good one."
Josh tried to hide the beginning of a laugh, and the fake-serious look on Tyler's face soon faltered. Soon, it was as if nothing had changed, and they were laughing their asses off, Tyler almost doubling over at how stupid he probably looked.
"Are those-" Josh started, interrupted by another fit of laughter. "Are those... piano keys?"
"Yeah. I don't recommend taking a nap on your piano. 'S pretty uncomfortable."
"No kidding," Josh remarked through a laugh. "C'mon, hop in."
Tyler circled around the front of the car, getting in the passenger seat and rolling his own window down. It was hot out, but not oppressively so, and a cool breeze lazily swept in through the open window and rustled his hair. It was nice.
Tyler squinted as his tired eyes adjusted to the sudden burst of sunlight. Although it was, quite frankly, kind of annoying to have the sun right in his face, he already felt marginally better than he did in that basement.
They sat in total silence at the beginning, Tyler aimlessly staring at the passing trees and Josh keeping his eye on the road despite it being almost completely empty. It's not like there were any hard feelings— Josh understood that Tyler needed his time alone once in a while. It just strangely seemed like something was hanging thickly in the air between them. Maybe it didn't have a name.
But Josh made the sudden heaviness leave the forefront of his and Tyler's consciousness as he hit the silence straight on and made conversation. "So, where were you thinking of going?"
Tyler realized suddenly that he had no idea.
"I have no idea."
"Nothing?"
"Nope," Tyler said simply, leaning his head back in the seat and staring at the car's low ceiling. "Just, anywhere but back there."
Josh nodded, shifting his gaze from the road for a split second to look at Tyler. He looked stressed, eyebrows knit close together in thought and shoulders tense. Josh turned back to see where he was going, wishing he could take that all away from him.
He decided to attempt an approximation of that very thing. Taking his right hand off the steering wheel, he moved it tentatively across the middle console and placed it gently on Tyler's shoulder. With a pang of guilt, Josh quickly noticed that it seemed to have the opposite effect. As if startled, Tyler tensed his shoulders even more, eyes widening.
"I'm sorry, I didn't—" Josh started, beginning to pull his hand away. But Tyler grabbed his wrist before he could, keeping it right there.
That was even more unexpected.
"No— don't apologize. I... I just didn't expect it. That's all."
He seemed genuine, and Josh realized how out-of-it Tyler probably was. The red marks on his forehead had started to fade, but his hair was wild and his eyes wandered and everything seemed too much.
Subconsciously, Josh began moving his thumb, tracing small, reassuring circles into Tyler's shoulder. He seemed to relax minutely. And then Josh was pulling over onto the side of the road, letting the car come to a gradual stop, and turning to face the other directly. His eyes came to rest on Tyler's, other hand shifting from the steering wheel to rest on his right shoulder.
Tyler took in a deep inhale, letting it out slowly and starting to come back to Earth. He didn't exactly know how, but Josh's hands on his shoulders felt safe. Grounding. Something like that.
"Thanks," Tyler said, voice slightly above a whisper.
"Of course." A few seconds passed, and then Josh continued, "Hey, I think I have an idea. About where to go."
"Okay, where?"
"Not telling." The corner of Josh's mouth turned upwards into a mischievous smirk.
Tyler smiled. "Oh, please. Really?"
"Yup. You're gonna have to wait."
And just like that, they were on the road again, to Josh's undisclosed location.
Tyler was sure that Josh's only goal in life was to drive him absolutely crazy. "Dude. A grocery store?"
Josh set the car in park, feigning confusion. "Was it not what you expected?"
Tyler couldn't help but break into a stupid grin. As soon as he did, Josh broke character too, and then they were both laughing their asses off, doubled over and unable to catch their breath. "You-" Tyler started, before bursting into another fit of laughter, "You took me to— you took me to a grocery store?"
"Okay, not exactly, but—"
"Not exactly?"
Josh chuckled again, but both of their laughter died down to a point where they could speak coherently.
He opened his door. "Follow me."
Tyler did, and his confusion grew marginally as Josh passed by the main entrance without so much as a glance towards it. He seemed to be on a B-line towards the far end of the building, that is, until he spotted a stray shopping cart a few feet away, at the far end of the lot. And then he was stopping in his tracks, suddenly enough that Tyler almost bumped into him, and he was surveying his immediate surroundings. In the distance, a car whizzed by on the road, and an elderly couple walked to their parked car with a couple grocery bags in hand. Otherwise, it was a lazy Sunday, and the lot was pretty much vacant.
A wide smile spread across Josh's face, and he ran up to the cart, pushing it back towards where Tyler was standing still. He looked confused.
"Why—"
"Get in."
"Into the cart? Josh, I haven't done that since I was five ye-"
He interrupted himself, catching the grin still present on Josh's face and the twinkle in his eyes. Sure, he hadn't done anything like this since he was a little kid, but weren't those times so much more carefree? Who wouldn't want to go back, even if for a fleeting second?
"Fine," Tyler feigned overdramatic annoyance, drawing out the "i" sound. He grabbed both sides of the cart, lifting his feet into it and sitting down.
"How is it?" Josh asked, the stupid grin still plastered on his face.
"Uncomfortable. I barely even fit in here, man." Tyler was smiling too widely for his own good.
"Good," Josh said, and before Tyler even knew what was happening, Josh's hands were on the handle of the cart, and he was running at full speed, pushing it with all his strength. Tyler let out a high-pitched shriek, eyes widening with thrill and a twinge of fear. Cool wind blew through his hair, half from the speed of Josh's running, and half from the breeze that made its way through the air between them. It was exhilarating.
As they neared the entrance of the building, Josh swerved the cart abruptly, almost sending it toppling over (but not quite, because Josh was too careful for that). Tyler screamed again, voice echoing into the air around them, and Josh laughed, and he started running again.
"Dude! You were about to kill me just then!"
Josh caught his breath momentarily. "But I didnt!" He ramped up the speed, pretty much sprinting as Tyler held on to the sides of the cart for dear life. This man was going to be the death of him. In some way or another.
Once Josh was officially out of breath, he slowed down, stopping the cart and flopping onto the ground beside Tyler in exhaustion. His arms were outstretched on the warm asphalt, eyes towards the sky painted with the very beginnings of a sunset. Josh heard a slight squeak of the metal as Tyler got out of the shopping cart, pushing it aside and laying down next to Josh. The asphalt wasn't the most comfortable thing to lie on, but it sure beat piano keys.
"That was. Insane."
"Yeah." Josh turned over to look at him, a bead of sweat dripping down his forehead. "Wanna know what's even more insane, though?"
Tyler's eyebrows raised in a silent question.
"This isn't even what I had planned."
Tyler chuckled softly, adrenaline still rushing through his body. It made him feel more alive than he had in months. "Then, what exactly did you have planned?"
"Hm. It's not nearly as life threatening as this, but I think it's still pretty fun."
They both rounded the far corner of the store, circling to the back. Tyler's eyes shifted from left to right, but he stayed silent until they both reached the nondescript metal ladder behind the store.
Leading up to the roof.
Without a second thought, Josh grabbed on, starting to climb up to the top. It's as if he'd done it a thousand times before.
"Josh, what did you just say about 'non-life-threatening activities? That ladder looks ancient."
"Don't worry. I've climbed this thing way too many times. 'S not even a problem." As if proving his point, Josh leaned back, holding onto one of the bars, and shaking it a few times with his hand. The ladder didn't budge.
"Okay, fine. But is it even... legal?"
Josh stopped climbing and did a once-over of his surroundings. "Even if it isn't, who's gonna care enough to catch us?"
Tyler thought about it a little. "Good point," he settled his own anxieties, following Josh up to the roof. Looking to each side of himself as he ascended further, he noticed that the sky began to fade from the vibrant blue of midday to an ambiance of indigo and the beginnings of orange. He didn't care about looking down. If there was anything in this world he knew he wasn't scared of, it was heights.
If anything, it made him feel more alive. And once he was on top of the roof, staring down, every worry he had began to feel a little more insignificant.
Josh's words from before, take a break, suddenly made perfect sense.
"How did you even... find this place?" Tyler asked.
Josh hummed. "Years ago, a couple friends showed it to me. Haven't spoken to them in a while; we kinda lost touch. And they haven't been up here in ages, so I guess it's mine now." A twinge of sadness showed through his smile. It was bittersweet, like reliving a memory, or walking down the empty halls of your old high school.
To Tyler, this place was a blank slate. Just a rooftop, nothing more. No silent voices trapped in the stagnant air— only the potential of new memories between him and Josh. But at the same time, he realized this shared experience was different for Josh. He'd probably spent countless nights here, with friends he now considered strangers, talking about things that would never again see the light of day.
Before Tyler could respond, Josh continued, voice growing quieter. "I come up here, sometimes, when I just need a place to go. Away from people."
Tyler smiled, kinda stupidly. "But I'm a person. And you took me here."
"Yeah, but you're—" Josh trailed off. His smile faded into an expression of nervousness, his hand moving absentmindedly to the back of his neck.
Tyler didn't prod further. He thought he knew what Josh meant. Instead, he walked to the edge of the roof, sat down cross-legged, and rested his arms on the short raised barrier that separated the roof and the ground below. Josh followed suit, sitting down close to Tyler and watching the skyline (if you could call it that).
The roof wasn't even that high, but the few cars still sitting in the parking lot already seemed so much smaller.
"It's nice up here. Quiet," Tyler noticed.
Josh hummed in assent. "Yeah. That's what I like most about it. Even if you can hear something, it feels far away. Like, it's almost as if this is my own world, where I can just run off to for a little while."
"Somewhere only you know. Like that one cheesy song." Tyler said, half-joking at the reference.
"Mhm," Josh smiled, less somber this time. "I figured you needed something like this. After today, and stuff."
A beat.
He turned to Josh. "Thank you. For this." The words fell out of his mouth, genuine but causing a frown to form over his face.
"No need to thank me, Tyler. I'm just happy you're feeling a little better."
"I'm sorry."
Josh's eyebrows quirked up, and he turned to catch Tyler's eyes with his own. But they were downturned, towards the cement unferneath them.
"Sorry? Why would you be sorry?"
"You— you know I've been a bad friend, kinda. I mean— not kinda— a whole lot. I didn't even call you. I even saw the phone ringing and I..." His voice trailed off.
"Tyler—" Josh started, but the other cut him off again.
"I saw the texts and everything. I just... I didn't know how to respond, and I was buried in this stupid song, and then I realized a day had passed and thought you just hated me at that point, and then—"
"Tyler," Josh's voice grew a little louder, trying to stop the spiraling words coming out of his mouth.
It was all spilling out now, though, and the cobwebs and flies were swarming out— just like the lyrics to the aforementioned stupid song he was writing, and he couldn't stop it.
"And then you just. Didn't care that I ignored you for God-knows how long that was. You took me here. And I don't know why you care so much, and—"
"Tyler. It's okay." Josh's hands were on his slightly trembling shoulders again, like during the car ride here. But somehow, it was different this time. These were feather-light touches, as if Josh was worried he would break. "It's okay."
Tyler met his eyes, slowly, for the first time since he'd got up here, and in them was a mixture of confusion about why the hell Josh cared so much about him in the first place, and deep, profound trust.
He trusted Josh.
The part of his mind that wouldn't stop screaming at him slowly became duller, droning along like white noise in the back of his mind. He could ignore it now. It wasn't silent (he feared it never truly would be) but somehow, sitting beside his best friend made it bearable.
Josh's hands moved to the backs of Tyler's shoulders, causing the two of them to gravitate closer until they were wrapped in a tight hug. "I could never hate you."
Tyler took in a deep breath, settling into the hug and bringing his hands around his back. He tilted his head to the side, continuing to breathe, and feeling the sides of their faces brush together. They were sitting atop a cement roof, and yet Tyler realized that this was the most comfort he'd ever felt in his life.
They stayed like that for a long time. Neither of them knew how long, but the sun was barely peeking above the horizon by the time they finally let go.
The sky was brilliant. They both stared on, taking in the million different hues painted over the sky: blues, vibrant reds melting into yellow and orange, pink clouds floating lazily above them in the distance, everything. And they had seen a million sunsets before, but this one was different, somehow. Neither could place a finger on why.
Tyler shuffled closer to Josh, and then he was leaning his head on his shoulder, stiffly at first. But once Josh gently moved his left arm around Tyler's shoulders, he gradually relaxed into the touch, both of their breaths becoming more even. And after a moment, Josh leaned his head so his cheek rested on Tyler's soft hair. It was a closeness that radiated safety. They both watched in silence as the sun dipped out of view entirely, and the vibrant red tones of the sky shouted their last hurrah before succumbing to the darkness, and the blue was washed away by the sea of night. And they stayed like that, in each other's embrace, until Tyler almost forgot about the morning past.
He didn't even realize his eyes were becoming heavy until his breaths were growing longer and Josh was gently shaking him awake. "You're tired," he noted.
Tyler shook his head, waking himself up and reaching up to rub at his eyes. "Sorta."
"Wanna go home?" Josh asked.
"Not yet. I like it here."
"Me too."
And so, they stayed. And after a while, Tyler turned to face Josh, shifting a little. His face had that look again— the one that meant he was choosing his next words carefully. "You know, there used to be a lot of things I'd change about my life. If I had the chance." He paused again, silence filling the air for another second. "I used to make a mistake, and want a re-do. I always felt like everything I did wasn't enough. And I still do feel like that sometimes."
Josh nodded, starting to rub circles into his shoulders again.
"But then I joined this band, with you, and it's not like much of that went away. We still have mishaps. The backing tracks don't always work. My voice cracks in the middle of a song. I miss a note on the piano. But the difference is, I don't wanna change any of it. Not anymore."
Josh met his eyes.
"I don't exactly know what I'm even getting at, here. I just know that now, we're releasing a record that's got all we are in it, and it is far from perfect, but. So is everyone. And I'm starting to be okay with that. I guess."
"Tyler," Josh breathed.
"I know, that probably sounds stupid, but—"
"No. It's not. At all. Tyler, I knew this wasn't gonna be easy. I knew that from the get-go. It was written in the not-so-fine print when I joined this thing, but it's worth it. It's all worth it."
Oh.
I mean, this was obvious, wasn't it? Josh wasn't leaving. He'd quit his job, and drove for hours for a single shot at playing with Tyler. And once it was shut down, he didn't regret it in the slightest. This was the Josh who had stayed up for countless nights with Tyler, letting his mind wander to every hope he'd thought he'd abandoned years ago.
And they were living it now.
But somehow, hearing the words come out of Josh's mouth changed something for him. Made him fully realize that he wasn't crazy, and that Josh was chasing this with him every step of the way. He wasn't going anywhere.
Josh tilted Tyler's chin up with his free hand, ever so slightly. "Didn't you know that?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I knew it, somewhere in my mind, it's just— you saying it made it real." Nothing sinister in his mind could twist Josh's words into something they weren't now. There was no longer any room for that.
"I'm not going anywhere." They we're close now. Like, really close. Closer than they had ever been. But they decided they didn't mind, and they stayed there instead of pulling away and laughing it off this time.
Tyler's eyes flickered down for a second before Josh settled a tentative hand on his cheek. And they were moving even closer, like two stars orbiting each other impossibly far away in the night sky above them. Tyler brought his hand to cup Josh's face, mirroring the other. And their eyes were falling shut, and before either of them even knew what they were doing, their lips met. It was a soft, quick kiss, and when Josh came to his senses about what they were actually doing, he moved back.
"Sorry, sorry," He awkwardly attempted to laugh it off. "I don't know what came over me there. Uh, I—"
But then, Tyler was shushing him, looking into his eyes. "Were you okay with it?" Tyler asked, as Josh paused, dumbfounded. "Because I was."
"Oh," Josh seemed to be having trouble catching his breath, or forming proper words. "Yeah. Uh, yeah. I was. Good with that."
And so, this time, Tyler moved his fingers from Josh's cheek into his hair, bringing him in again, and giving him plenty of time to back away if he had a sudden change of mind. But he didn't, and their lips met again, and Tyler was tilting his head sideways, slightly. And it was more than just okay. They leaned into it, deepening the kiss, and only breaking away for air.
"Woah," Josh said, smiling dumbly, as he rested his forehead on Tyler's.
Tyler couldn't help but smile as well, laughing softly under his breath.
Now, the rooftop was no longer just a rooftop, devoid of memories as it had been in hours past. It was now a spot for just the two of them, to get away from life for a while, and for silent shared moments like these.
And, on the way home, Josh's fingers found Tyler's from across the middle console, holding them tightly. They didn't know where they were going. Not exactly. They'd never truly know where they would end up. But what they did know was that they were in this for the long run, and nothing was going to change about that.
Tyler would finish "Lovely", that song he no longer thought was very stupid, the next day. They'd release their record, and another, and another. There would be many more visits to that very place, atop the grocery store. Everything in their lives would be turned on its head. They'd grow up. But the one constant of shared sunsets and every hue imaginable and each other— that was never going away.
It was going to be okay.