Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ash Lynx’s soulbond broke beyond repair when he was 9 years old.

He cried for hours after Dino burned the back of his left hand until there was no trace of the soulmark left, as echoes of I’m the only one who will love you now rang through his head. Griffin had always read him bedtime stories of the joy of meeting your soulmate for the first time and seeing the matching mark.

And Griff had told him about how he would be able to hear his soulmate’s thoughts, starting at the moment when they needed him the most. And how when a big, emotional moment happened to him and he needed help, his soulmate would hear him, too. 

So when Ash is 15 and the scandal about the Corsican Foundation’s child sex trafficking circle is revealed, and he still hasn’t heard from his soulmate? He knows without a doubt that Dino was right, and his bond really is broken forever. He’ll never hear his soulmate’s voice in his head. He’ll probably never meet them—and if he did, they wouldn’t even know it was him.

And he can live with this normal fucking family and go to this normal fucking high school and pretend to be normal all he wants, but everyone knows. They see the scar on his hand where his soulmark should be, and they know he’s broken, even if they don’t know how.

— — —

“Aslan Callenreese?” the teacher calls.

Ash grimaces. “Ash,” he mutters. This will be his first full year at a real high school, instead of with Dino’s private tutors. The half a semester he spent here last year was enough time for a million rumors to spread about him, but not enough time for teachers to understand that not everyone goes by their birth name, apparently.

“Speak up, Mr. Callenreese.”

Ash grinds his teeth. “Ash. It’s—I go by Ash.”

“Very well.”

Ash tunes out the rest of the roll call, glad that the “C” of his family name means he can start daydreaming only a few minutes into class. He only starts paying attention again when he realizes that the teacher is saying more than a student’s name, still in the middle of attendance.

“—from Japan, correct? Care to stand and tell the class a bit about yourself?”

The boy in the seat to Ash’s right stands sheepishly.

“I am Oku—Eiji Okumura,” he starts. “I’m from Izumo, Japan, and just transferred here to America. I hope you will take care of me!” He bows slightly and gives a bright smile, even as a couple students snicker at god knows what. Ash still can’t understand high schoolers.

Ash glances Eiji up and down briefly. Or, he means to, but he stops when his eyes fall on the boy’s left hand. More accurately, the world stops.

Because that’s his mark.

Or, it was.

Holy fucking shit.

Eiji startles suddenly, eyes darting around the room. Maybe he finally realized everyone’s laughing at him. Ash doesn’t know and doesn’t care. All he’s thinking about is how long until this class is over and he can get the fuck out of here. Away from this mark he hasn’t seen in seven years.

His mark.

But it can’t be. It’s probably just a similar mark. There’s 7.8 billion people alive on the planet right now, which means more than 3 billion active soulmarks, even accounting for people who don’t have a soulmate.

At the very least, Ash hopes it’s a different mark, for Eiji’s sake. From the 20 seconds he’s known this kid, he seems too good to be stuck with someone like Ash. Even if the bond wasn’t already broken.

Ash slips into his own mind, resigning himself to his thoughts for the rest of this class period. Whoever his soulmate is, they’re probably still waiting for Ash’s side of the soulbond to open. They have no way of knowing how fucked up and broken Ash is.

And unfortunately, the more he stares at the mark on Eiji’s hand, recognizing every line, the more convinced he is that he is—or, rather, was supposed to be—Ash’s soulmate.

The poor guy.

By the midpoint of class, he’s certain. Because as much as Ash would never admit it out loud, he spent hours staring at his soulmark before it was destroyed. He was in love with the idea of soulmates as a kid—Griff made it sound so beautiful and romantic, explaining the moment that he first heard his soulmate’s voice in his head before they even met, and how much stronger it grew once both sides were open. And then, once Griff was gone, Ash became even more obsessed with his soulmark, constantly comparing it to his coach’s just in case, and then to Dino’s and every other adult who fucked him.

Maybe that’s why Dino destroyed it.

Ash is so lost in his thoughts that he nearly jumps out of his seat when Eiji’s hand—the very same hand with his mark—is suddenly waving in front of his face. When he looks up, he realizes that most of the students have already gotten out of their seats and sorted into pairs.

“Hello?” Eiji calls.

Ash blinks, focusing on keeping his breathing calm. “What do you want?” he asks.

“Oh! Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to partner for the project? It seems most of the others knew each other and already partnered off.”

What class are they in? History? Ash didn’t even realize the teacher was talking about a project. He inhales sharply.

“You really don’t want to be partnered with me,” Ash says.

Eiji glances around the room to everyone already paired up. “Well, I don’t seem to have much of a choice. I guess you’re just stuck with me!” He smiles cheerfully, apparently not put off at all by Ash’s assessment.

Of course. The new kid and the outcast got stuck together. Poor Eiji. Ash carefully keeps his left hand under the desk. School dress code prohibits wearing gloves inside; otherwise Ash’s transition into a real school might have gone a lot smoother. Then again, he’d probably be an outsider either way.

“I’ll go grab the papers from the front, okay? What was your name again? I missed it during attendance, sorry.”

“... Ash. Ash Lynx.”

“Ash. Like cinders,” Eiji muses softly, before turning away. Ash blinks at his back. Was he just processing the English meaning of the word?

When Eiji comes back with the packet explaining the semester-long project, Ash skims through it quickly with his right hand before handing it off to Eiji.

“So,” he starts. “This looks simple enough. I should be able to get it done in a couple nights and we’ll get an A. Don’t worry about it, okay? You don’t wanna be around me.”

Eiji frowns, first at the paper and then at Ash. “But it’s a partnered project, yes? We’re supposed to work on it together.”

“That’s—not—”

“And I think I’ll decide for myself if I want to be around you. So far I’m not seeing any problems with it. Okay?”

“Look,” Ash hisses. He brings his left hand out and practically slams it on the desk, attracting the attention of nearly the entire room. “You don’t want to be around me. Understand?”

Eiji’s eyes grow almost comically large as he looks at Ash’s hand. Ash tries to read his expression, but all he picks up is shock.

The bell rings.

Ash slides his hand off the desk, slings his backpack over one shoulder, and slips out of the classroom without glancing back. He doesn’t realize until he’s halfway down the hallway that he left the packet for the semester project with Eiji. Fuck.

— — —

Ash skips his next class. It’s the first day; nothing important will happen anyway, right? He sneaks under the bleachers by the track field, his usual hangout when he’s mysteriously absent from class but doesn’t feel like leaving the campus altogether. He doesn’t exactly have anywhere else to go. At least Shorter doesn’t seem to be ditching classes on the first day yet.

On the other hand, Mr. Varishikov—or Blanca, as the students call him—notices him right away. Blanca is the P.E. instructor, with a specialty in martial arts, but also guest lectures in the “Great American Novel” unit in the Language Arts classes for some reason.

He barks at the P.E. class to keep their laps going, and meanders over toward Ash.

“Bad day?” he asks.

“Something like that,” Ash mumbles.

“A little early in the semester for that, don’t you think?”

He grunts in response.

“What class are you avoiding?”

“No idea,” Ash admits. “A little early in the semester to care, don’t you think?”

Blanca shoots him a look. Not quite as much of a reprimand as he probably should give, being a teacher and all. Not that Ash is complaining.

“Shouldn’t you tell me off?” Or maybe he is.

“I think you spent more time here than you did in class last semester. If nothing I said then changed your ways, nothing I say now will either. You’re aware that they will call your guardian though, yes? Even this early on?”

“Yeah, well, Max can deal.” He only took me in because he felt guilty about what happened to his soulmate’s little brother, anyway.

“Well, I’ll leave you to your devices, then.”

With that, he walks back toward the field without waiting for a response. Ash shrugs at the air, not sure if he’s happy to be left alone or not.

After waiting a moment and glancing around to ensure no one else is nearby, he plops down to the ground and pulls out his phone. Time to do the same Google search he’s done a million times before, but with purpose this time.

He types soulmark destroyed bond broken into the search bar. It’s an autocomplete result from his past searches, but he types the whole thing letter by letter anyway.

As tends to be the case with Google, millions of resulting links appear. Unfortunately, in his past searches, only a few of those have proven helpful. He clicks one of the usuals, which explains it in layman’s terms.

Very little research has been done on the results of a destroyed soulmark, primarily due to the lack of participants willing to destroy their mark, and the ethical limitations of doing so even with informed consent. However, there have been case studies of individuals whose marks were damaged by injury.

There’s a small section on left hand amputees, explaining that the telepathic part of the soulbond doesn’t appear to be damaged as long as the mark is intact at the time of the extremity or limb’s removal from the body. There’s an additional section on how those born without a left hand will often have the mark on their right hand, or another area of their body. But then—

Unfortunately, those whose soulmarks are severely damaged while still attached to their body, especially at a young age, are not so lucky. If the soulbond has already developed, all case studies show that the existing bond will remain unharmed. However, if the bond is unopened at the time when the mark is destroyed, the telepathic bond will never develop for either soulmate. There is speculation on what would occur if only one side of the soulbond is open, but no verifiable case studies of this can be found in modern medicine.

The mark must be severely damaged for this breakage to occur—for example, a scratch or even a small scar over the mark should cause no harm to the bond. It is only in cases where the mark is close to entirely destroyed that the soulbond fails to develop. This is most commonly seen in young children who are burn victims.

Ash stares at the ugly red scar covering the entire back of his left hand, reaching onto his wrist and past his knuckles onto his fingers. No trace of his soulmark left at all.

He reaches out, in his mind, to where he thinks his soulbond might be if it were there. Tries to feels something—anything. He could block the bond, if he wanted to, even without feeling it. Make it so neither soulmate could feel the soulbond until he undoes the block. But it wouldn’t matter.

Soulbonds don’t open until an extremely emotional moment when the soulmate needs support—usually around the start of puberty for most people, due to the emotional vulnerability caused by the hormone fluctuations.

Ash’s soulmark was destroyed when he was 9. There’s no way.

He should definitely stay away from Eiji Okumura.

Chapter Text

Eiji Okumura’s soulmate opened their side of the soulbond when Eiji was 8 years old.

This was incredibly early by most standards, and indicated that his soulmate might be considerably older than him, or else had a major life event happen very early in their life.

Regardless, Eiji was beyond excited when he felt the bond develop.

Until the actual emotion came flooding in, and Eiji was sobbing on the floor, while somehow also paralyzed in fear. Through his terror, he could barely hear his parents panicking, trying to figure out what was happening to their son at 7 in the morning.

Words Eiji didn’t recognize—another language entirely—filled his head. Eventually it became just three words on repeat, over and over. Eiji looked them up later, and they became the first English words he learned: No no no, stop stop stop stop please.

Eiji tried to explain to his parents what was happening, that his soulmate’s bond had opened, but he couldn’t find his ability to speak. He wasn’t able to tell them until the emotion had started to subside almost an hour later.

His parents spoke to each other as though he weren’t there, saying not only that it was too early, but that it shouldn’t have been this strong. All Eiji knew was that his soulmate desperately needed his help. He vowed to be there for them forever, as soon as his side of the bond opened.

After that, Eiji started learning English in his free time.

— — —

“You should stay away from him, you know,” someone says, practically in Eiji’s ear. He jumps a little, nearly dropping his lunch tray.

“What? Who?” he says, not sure if he’s asking who to stay away from or who this is. He turns to see a boy with incredibly long, silky hair.

“That Lynx boy.”

It’s odd, Eiji thinks, that Ash is the one called Lynx, when this boy practically purred that sentence.

“Ash?” he clarifies. “Funny. He told me the same thing.” Eiji resists the urge to roll his eyes, unimpressed with the rumor mill at this school already. And here he thought America would be less judgemental than Japan.

“For good reason. He’s a murderer, you know?”

Well, that one does catch Eiji off guard. He’s never heard a rumor quite that extreme before.

“What makes you say that?” he asks.

“Oh, it’s common knowledge. And you saw his soulmark, right?”

Eiji can’t deny that he’s curious about that. He’s never seen a permanently damaged soulmark outside of fiction before, much less one that looked so ... intentional.

“Yeah, I did. What’s the rumor there?”

The boy purses his lips, possibly at the use of the word rumor instead of story. “That’s ... less common knowledge,” he admits. “Not everything matches up there. Everyone knows he did it to himself, but no one’s quite sure why. I’ve heard that he burned it off himself as a child because he didn’t want a soulmate. But I’ve also heard that he was born without one, and tried to make his own. Take your pick. But it was already like that when he transferred in last year.”

Eiji perks up. “He’s a transfer student too?” He feels bad about gossiping, especially on his first day at this school, but he can’t help but be interested in Ash.

“Yes, but—not like you. He ... has a history.”

“Oh, how descriptive,” Eiji deadpans.

“Well, you know. It’s not my place to say.”

But everything else you’ve said was?

“I’ll just tell you that he’ll do anything for a price.”

And something about the way he said that makes Eiji’s skin crawl, but also doesn’t quite seem to match with the brief interaction he had with Ash.

The long-haired boy turns on his heel and walks away. Eiji realizes that he doesn’t even know his name. Oh well. It’s not like he can follow his advice anyway—even if he did care about the rumors, he’s still partnered with Ash on the history project. And despite what Ash said, he won’t leave the project for his partner to do alone. What kind of a start to his life in America would that be?

So on that note, he scans the cafeteria for the boy in question.

He sees him, at a corner table by himself. Eiji might not have spotted him at all, if not for how distinctive his platinum blond hair is. His eyes were an even more shocking color up close, Eiji remembers, but from this distance it’s the hair that he recognizes.

No one else is at his table, but the table next to him has a few Asian kids at it—mostly Chinese, from what Eiji can tell from here—and as he watches, a boy with a purple mohawk calls something to Ash.

Ash just waves him off.

Well, they need to talk about the history project eventually, right? Might as well be now.

When Eiji approaches Ash’s table, he can feel the eyes on him. Not from Ash, who doesn’t even look up, but from what feels like every other student in the cafeteria. He’s barely put a hand on a chair, about to pull it out, when Ash speaks.

“I thought I told you that you don’t want to be around me.”

Eiji’s brow furrows. “And I thought I told you I’d make my own decisions.”

“You know they’re staring at you, right?”

“You know we have a history project to do together, right?”

Ash finally looks up, his expression close to a glare. Eiji takes a seat anyway, sliding his backpack off onto the chair next to him and putting his lunch tray down.

“Ash Lynx,” Eiji says. “I’ve been at this school for all of—” he dramatically checks the time on his phone and holds it up, NoriNori wallpaper on display— “four hours, and I’ve already heard no fewer than four rumors about you. Care to set the record straight?”

“Not particularly,” Ash mumbles. “They’re probably all half-true.”

“Does that average out to two true rumors, then?” Eiji ponders, smiling.

Success! Ash actually smirks. “Nah. You definitely haven’t heard them all yet.”

“Can I ask you about yourself?”

Ash hums, picking at a hot lunch that looks almost untouched. “You can ask,” he allows, “but don’t be surprised if I don’t answer.”

Okay. He can’t argue that.

“Your soulmark,” he starts, straight to the point. “What happened?”

For the second time today, he feels a small surge of panic from across his soulbond. He wonders what his soulmate is going through right now to cause these emotions. They even seemed to be reaching out to him earlier, like they used to do often. He hasn’t felt anything paralyzingly severe from them in almost six months, but more ... normal emotions still come through like this. He’s just glad that whatever pain they were going through for so many years seems to have calmed—after all, with only their side of the bond open, Eiji is likely only feeling a fraction of what they feel.

In contrast to Eiji’s soulmate, Ash looks utterly unimpressed.

“What did you hear?” he asks.

A tall boy with dark yellow, bleach-blond hair appears at Eiji’s side, seemingly out of nowhere. Eiji startles for the second time since entering the cafeteria.  Is this just a thing Americans do?

“He probably heard the truth, pretty boy,” the new appearance says to Ash. He’s accompanied by a few other boys, who hang back a meter or so. Much of the cafeteria seems to quiet down, and Eiji can feel even more eyes focusing on them.

“Hey, lay off, Arthur,” the purple mohawk boy calls from the next table over.

Undeterred, Arthur doesn’t even look in his direction. “Let me guess,” he says, placing a hand on Eiji’s shoulder. It takes everything in Eiji not to jerk away. He’s not very familiar with American cultural norms, but surely touching strangers isn’t acceptable here, either? “You heard about how our resident little slut here didn’t want anyone to love him. Why would he, when he can just get fucked instead? You should keep your distance from the wildcat, Samurai Boy, unless you’re looking for some action. People might get the wrong idea.” Arthur’s fanboys laugh at that.

Ash just tilts his head back, looking mildly annoyed at best. “Leave the kid alone,” he intones. “It’s not his fault no one told him to stay away from the school whore.”

Which is completely untrue, as in the last four hours, three separate people have told Eiji to stay away from Ash. Eiji is pretty sure he knows the meaning of the slang and curse words the other students are using—he’s actually heard most of them rather frequently over his soulbond and has looked them up before—but he certainly didn’t expect to hear so much of it all at once.

“Did it occur to you that I don’t care what other people have to say about Ash?” Eiji asks, finally yanking his shoulder free from Arthur’s grip.

He glares up at Arthur, whose eyebrows shoot up in response. “Oh, does the Samurai Boy have a weapon of his own? Just be careful with your sword around the Lynx, or who knows where it could end up and how much cash you’ll owe him for it.”

Eiji feels anger increasingly rise in him the longer he’s in this boy’s presence. “I told you, I don’t care what you say,” he seethes. “I’m not going to blindly believe these rumors. If Ash chooses not to tell me, I will accept that I don’t know, instead of making baseless accusations like you all seem so happy to do!” He stands to punctuate his statement, scowling at Arthur.

It’s quiet for a moment, and Arthur looks stunned.

“They’re not baseless,” Ash mumbles into the silence.

Eiji shoots a glare in his direction, taking his eyes off Arthur for a moment. Arthur takes the opportunity to reach for him again. Eiji panics, jumping back, when—

Ash’s lunch tray, complete with his barely-touched lunch, collides squarely with Arthur’s face.

— — —

“I still don’t understand why he gives you shit like that when I’m the one who actually sleeps around and doesn’t have a soulmate,” the mohawk boy—Shorter, Eiji learned—says. Eiji glances at his hand, and sure enough, there’s no mark at all. His left hand is just a perfect mirror of his right. Eiji’s heard that it’s not uncommon for some people who are aromantic or polyamorous to be born without a soulmate, but he doesn’t remember ever seeing a left hand without a mark before.

Not that it’s anywhere near as jarring as Ash’s situation, he thinks, letting his eyes wander over to the red scar swallowing up Ash’s pale skin.

The three of them sit in the waiting room of the principal’s office. Arthur is currently in with the principal, being questioned. His thugs have already been sent off with a detention and a call home.

“Because you have friends and a support system,” Ash says. He seems surprisingly relaxed about getting called into the office like this. Shorter does, too, actually. Eiji, on the other hand, is freaking out a little bit.

“Hey, what am I then, asshole?” Shorter asks.

“Some sort of strangely-colored pineapple with too shitty of a self-preservation instinct to keep his distance from me.”

Despite their harsh words, the two exchange a grin.

Ash glances over at Eiji and his restlessly bouncing leg.

“Hey,” he says, voice softer now. “It’s okay. I’ll tell them I dragged you into it. It’s your first day; they’ll let you off easy.”

“Do not tell them that!”

“Why not? It’s the truth.”

“Because, I—I made my own decision to get involved,” Eiji answers, crossing his arms.

The fight, if it could even be called such, couldn’t have lasted more than two minutes. It was mostly just Arthur and his goons going after Ash, while Eiji and Shorter attempted to pull them off. The whole thing ended quickly as soon as the redheaded school police officer arrived.

Despite being at the center of the whole thing, Ash seems to have gotten out of the situation without a scratch on him. Does he have self-defense training? Eiji wonders.

Ash gets called in after Arthur, who shoots a dirty look at all three of them on his way out. Eiji nervously fidgets with the straps on his backpack while he waits.

“He really will take the fall for us, you know,” Shorter says after a few minutes. “There’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“I’m not just worried for myself,” Eiji pouts. “You two are in this situation as well because Ash defended me. This is my fault, too.”

Shorter shakes his head. “Ash won’t see it that way.”

It’s silent again for a minute.

“Why did you try to sit with him?” Shorter asks.

Eiji looks up, startled. “We have a history project together. I didn’t have a chance in class to ask him when we can meet up to work on it.” He frowns. “I still haven’t, actually.”

Shorter raises a pierced eyebrow. “He didn’t offer to do the project on his own?”

Frown deepening, Eiji shakes his head. “He did, but it’s a partnered project. We have to work on it together, no?”

Shorter taps a foot against the floor. “Is that the only reason?”

Eiji considers this question. He’s not sure, really. “I guess I was curious about him. About his soulmark, of course, and the rumors.”

Something in Shorter’s expression darkens before Eiji continues.

“I just know, if I had been—hurt like that,” he raises his own left hand in explanation, “no matter why, I would not want to face those rumors alone, like he seems to be. Although now, I’m glad to see that he has you as well.”

It takes a moment, but Shorter’s gaze softens slowly. “Okay. I’m glad to hear that.”

“Why do you ask?”

“Sometimes, when people hear certain ...” Shorter clears his throat, “certain things about Ash, they want something from him. Something he’s not willing to give. So don’t be surprised if he pushes back against you if you try to get close, okay? He’s worth it—his friendship, I mean—if you can earn his trust.”

It feels weird, to Eiji, to be having this intimate of a conversation with a boy who looks like he came out of a punk rock magazine.

“Do you know the true story? Behind his soulmark,” Eiji asks.

The door to the principal’s office opens.

“Wong, Okumura, you’re free to go,” the officer says.

“Thanks, Charlie,” Shorter says, grinning.

“Yeah, yeah. I better not see you back here until at least next month, Wong.”

Eiji waits a moment before leaving, but Ash doesn’t come out of the office.

“Why are they keeping him?” he asks Shorter, following him out into the hallway.

“Ash ... gets into trouble a lot. I told you he’d take the fall for us. They’re probably just calling his guardians to pick him up now. He might have gotten suspended again, though, not sure.”

Guardians? Eiji wonders. Not parents? Not that he’s one to judge; he’s here in America with Ibe as his host family, not his parents.

“Anyway ...” Shorter shakes his head as they continue walking. “No, I don’t know what happened with Ash’s soulmark. Nearly six months and he hasn’t told me. Probably won’t ever, honestly.” He pauses. “But even if he did, I don’t think it would be my story to tell someone else.”

Eiji nods. Out of this whole situation, it seems like he’s only learned one thing.

He should definitely get closer to Ash Lynx.

Chapter Text

“So,” Max starts on the car ride home.

Ash takes a deep breath.

“You got suspended.”

“Yep.”

“On the first day of the school year.”

“Sure did.”

“And what do you have to say for yourself?”

“That I wish I’d broken that asshole’s nose before they stopped the fight.”

Max lets out a long sigh. “I’m too young to have a teenager,” he groans.

You didn’t have to have one, Ash thinks. You could have just let me go into the foster care system. Maybe get landed with someone else who wants to fuck me. Maybe run away again. Maybe die on the streets this time.

But when Max heard that his dead soulmate Griff’s little brother had been found, he took Ash in without a second thought. Ash wonders how long it took him to regret the decision.

“Did they deserve it?” Max asks suddenly.

“Uh ... what?”

“The kids you were fighting. Did they deserve it?”

“... Yeah. The main one was calling this new transfer kid—” who may or may not be my soulmate— “a racist name. He held him by the shoulder too, and the kid was clearly uncomfortable. He pulled away, and when the asshole tried to reach for him again, I just fucking went for him.”

Ash shrugs. He looks over at Max, expecting to see disapproval accompanied by a lecture about both his cursing and how that isn’t enough to ‘deserve it.’ Instead, Max nods.

“He touched him?”

Ash looks away, out the window at the city. “Well, not like—but, uh—” He cuts off, then just nods. “He looked uncomfortable,” he says again.

“All right. I’ll talk to Jessica. But Michael thinks you’re grounded, okay? So don’t go pulling your phone out in front of him or anything.”

Ash blinks. “Uh, yeah. Okay. Thanks.”

When they get home, Michael is still at school but Jessica is home from work. After dropping his backpack off in his room, Ash sits on the living room couch with the TV off, head over the back of the couch and left arm thrown over his eyes. He listens in on Max and Jessica in their bedroom.

“I know, Jess, I know. I don’t want to just keep letting him get away with this stuff, but—you’re right.”

“It’s only been six months. I know that feels like a long time for you, but it took me this long to get back on my feet after one incident. Years, Max. Most of his life—”

Ash stands up and bolts back to his room. Never mind. He doesn’t want to hear this after all.

— — —

That night, Ash dreams of accelerant poured on skin and hands reaching for him in the darkness. Of tears falling on numb, charred flesh, and other bodily fluids staining the surrounding sheets. Of wishing that he had Griff, or the mother he never met, or his soulmate, or someone to hear him cry.

He wakes, covered in—sweat, it’s just his own sweat. And he’s in Max and Jessica’s house, and Michael is sleeping safely in the next room and has never been hurt like Ash has.

Deep breaths, he tells himself, like Griff used to when his nightmares were about monsters in the dark and not monsters in the dark.

Deep breaths.

He wipes the sweat off of his forehead, double checking in the dim light from his phone screen that that’s the only thing on his skin.

There’s a text from Shorter, and he sends a quick reply.

[Shorter:]
Hey, that Eiji kid wants your number
Says you have a group project to work on together

[Ash:]
Sure, you can give it to him
He has the paper I need to do the project anyway

Deep breaths, he thinks again, but it’s not working. He slips from his bedroom as quietly as possible, making his way to the bathroom. He’ll hate himself if he wakes someone up.

He turns the cold tap on and splashes it onto his face, letting it drip down his neck into the collar of his shirt. The cold helps. Knowing it’s just water helps. Telling himself it’s over almost, almost helps.

Looking around the bathroom, Ash briefly considers taking a cold shower. It’s not like it matters if he gets sick—he’s suspended from school for a week anyway, and it would give him an excuse to lock himself in his room, away from Max and Jessica and Michael, this family that he’s ruining. But the shower is much louder than the sink, and he knows by now that Jessica is a light sleeper. His comfort isn’t worth her sleep.

When he exits the bathroom, Jessica is making her way up the stairs anyway. Ash mentally scolds himself. He should have just stayed in his room and dealt with this without risking hurting anyone else.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Jessica says.

It’s funny, in a way—during the day, Max is the one who’s soft with him, and Jessica plays bad cop. But Ash hears her defend him when she’s talking to Max, and then there are these midnight conversations they’ve had a few times now. These moments when they’re the only ones in the world.

“Hey,” Ash responds. His voice is hoarse, but at least it doesn’t break.

“You doing okay?”

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Ash looks down. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

Jessica reaches the top of the stairs, right near where Ash stands. Her hand hovers in the air for a moment, but she doesn’t quite reach out to him.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” she says instead.

Ash doesn’t respond. Considers shaking his head, but decides against even that.

“Anything I can do for you? You want some hot chocolate, or—”

“No.” Still a whisper.

Jessica sighs. “We’re ... here for you, you know that? You can ask us for things. You can eat more than scraps of your food. You can watch TV without asking. You can wake us up in the middle of the night if you have a nightmare. You can stop feeling like an intruder in your own house, Ash. We want to be here for you. I know you might not see it this way yet, but you really are our son. Our family. Blood or not.”

There’s a burning in his eyes, and he knows he can’t keep having this conversation. He’s considered running away before, but not for the same reasons he ran from Cape Cod. Running away so he doesn’t keep destroying this happy family.

He turns away from Jessica.

“I just had to use the bathroom,” he lies. He knows Jessica won’t believe him. “I’m going back to bed.”

“Sweet dreams,” she responds. Her voice is soft. Loving, almost, though Ash knows it can’t be. Not toward him. Not that kind of love. Not toward him.

— — —

Ash barely sleeps for his entire suspension period. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s back with his coach or a client or a tutor, or more often, Dino. He gets a few hours of sleep here and there, often in the middle of the day, but it’s far from enough.

Nightmares aren’t exactly unusual for him, but normally it’s not quite this bad. He’d like to say that he’s not sure what caused this onset, but in reality, he’s nearly certain.

Seeing his soulmark on Eiji impacted him more than he thought it would.

Unfortunately, he has to meet with him again, at least to get the history papers back. He considers just asking the teacher for an extra copy, saying that he and his partner lost his, but decides against it. He’s not sure why, but maybe part of him really does want to spend time with Eiji again. Even if just a few minutes.

They organize a time to meet over text—after school the day that Ash’s suspension is over. By then, the sleep deprivation is hitting hard.

They meet at Eiji’s place. Ash isn’t happy at the idea of being trapped in someone else’s territory, but he doesn’t feel comfortable bringing “friends” over to Max and Jessica’s house either.

As he’s staring down the door to the apartment, he takes a steadying breath. He’s just going to get the paper and leave, despite what he told Eiji. He won’t be here for more than five minutes. Nothing bad will happen.

A man around thirty opens the door, and Ash has to stop himself from taking a step back—or, better yet, leaving the complex entirely. His breathing catches for a second before he’s able to speak.

“I’m here to see Eiji,” he mumbles. “For a school project.”

“Yes, he told me you would visit,” the man says. “I am Ibe, Eiji’s host parent here in America. Please, come in.”

Ash enters the apartment, heart beating double time. It’s even worse when Ibe locks the door behind them both. Ash quickly steps farther into the living room, away from him.

“Would you like some tea?” Ibe asks.

Ash shakes his head, struggling to find his voice. Thankfully, Eiji appears from a hallway.

“Ash!” he says, sounding genuinely happy for some reason. As though anyone would ever be happy to see Ash. “Want to head into my bedroom to get started?”

A bedroom. Someone else’s bedroom. That’s about the last place Ash wants to be right now—or any time, really—but he supposes that it’s better than staying out here with an adult man. He nods, and Eiji leads the way. Thankfully, he leaves the door open when they enter.

“Sorry,” Eiji says. “Ibe prefers that I keep the door open when company is over.”

Ash shakes his head. “It’s fine,” he says, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. God, he’s gotten so much worse at faking being calm in the last half a year.

Eiji tilts his head, apparently seeing through him. “Are you okay?”

Ash clears his throat. “Give me the packet for the project,” he says, “and then stay away from me.” His head is pounding almost as badly as his heart. He knows it’s the sleep deprivation, but his mind is telling him, Drugs. You’ve been drugged, like before. It’s going to kill you within the year. Maybe it’s for the best.

Absurdly, he thinks for a moment that he shouldn’t have drank the tea Ibe offered, before remembering that he didn’t. Shit, what’s wrong with him?

Eiji shakes his head. “No. I told you, we’re doing this project together. Like we’re supposed to.”

“Please,” Ash says, and he hates how weak his voice sounds. Like he’s begging. “Please, leave me alone.”

Frowning, Eiji bites his lip for a moment. “Do you know what Shorter told me about you?”

Ash shakes his head.

“He told me that you’re worth it.”

Ash feels the panic rising. How would Shorter know? He’s never slept with him, not unless something happened without him knowing somehow. Why would he tell Eiji that?

“N-no,” Ash manages, not sure what else to say. But it’s not like his no has ever mattered before.

“You’re not worth it?” Eiji asks. His frown deepens. “I want to ... get to know you, Ash. I have a feeling Shorter is right.”

Ash doesn’t want to get to know anyone. He’s had enough intimacy to last him several lifetimes.

All he can think to do is shake his head. He’s not sure if he’s breathing anymore.

“I just ... I think you would make a good friend. If you’re willing to work with me. Even if you don’t want to tell me anything, about your soulmark or anything else. I don’t mind. I still want to be friends. Is that okay?”

Friends? Something about the way Eiji says it almost sounds literal. Is ... is that really all he means? Ash tries for a deep breath. His head is spinning. He can’t think straight. Fuck, he wishes he had slept even an hour the night before.

“Like ... talking friends?” he asks.

Eiji blinks. “What do you mean?”

“Instead ... instead of touching friends.”

Eiji stares at him for a moment, like he’s not sure what Ash is saying. Then his eyes widen. “N-no!” he says. “Not ... anything like that.”

And why the fuck does Ash feel like crying? He takes a step back, toward the door. Ready to run, though Eiji hasn’t so much as stepped toward him.

“Ash,” Eiji says softly. “Ash, I promise. I won’t ... nothing like that. I promise. I’m so sorry, I didn’t ... I didn’t realize ...”

Ash feels a tear slide down his face, and quickly runs a hand through his hair to hide as he wipes it away. Fuck. Fuck this. He hates everything. Hates himself.

“All right,” he whispers. “Let’s just ... just work on this project.”

And maybe more than anything else, he hates that he almost, almost believes Eiji.

Chapter Text

The horror doesn’t really sink in for Eiji until after Ash leaves.

He had understood what Arthur and Yut-Lung, whose name he had since learned, were describing when they called Ash a whore. But it didn’t quite occur to him what Shorter meant by people wanting something from Ash. And he definitely hadn’t realized that Ash had been hurt in that way before. When he’d looked up the words slut and whore before, the definitions had sounded like it was the person’s choice.

But judging by how Ash had reacted today, it wasn’t his choice. Far from it.

And now Eiji was more determined than ever to be his friend.

Talking friends, Ash said. As opposed to touching friends.

Eiji shivers, and pulls out his phone.

[Eiji:]
How are you doing?
Was today okay?

It takes Ash only a few minutes to respond, but Eiji’s heart is in his throat the whole time.

[Ash:]
Thank you
So much

Two separate messages. It isn’t quite an answer to either question, but Eiji supposes it’ll have to be good enough.

Eiji knows that he’s lived a rather sheltered life. After all, he’s 17 and his side of the soulbond hasn’t even opened. He’s never had a big, emotional moment like that. And up until now, he’s almost resented that, just for the sake of his soulbond. He wants so badly for it to open, to finally be able to really be there for his soulmate, who has suffered so much.

But thinking about what it seems like Ash has been through, Eiji suddenly realizes just how lucky he is.

And how much he wants to be there for Ash.

He wishes he could be there for his soulmate, too—they also seemed to be having a difficult time today, although their emotions didn’t seem as severe as Ash was acting. Nothing like they were in the past years. But there’s nothing he can do for them now. He can only put his energy into where he can help—which, currently, is Ash Lynx.

[Eiji:]
I think you’re right
He’s going to be worth it
And I’m going to keep trying until he trusts me

[Shorter:]
You won’t regret it
I’m sure of it
And neither will he
You’re worth it, too, you know?

[Eiji:]
How long did it take?
For him to trust you?

[Shorter:]
Honestly, I’m still not sure that he does

Eiji doesn’t respond to that. He needs some tea.

Ibe is in the living room when he comes out of his bedroom. He looks like he wants to say something, but he stays silent. Eiji frowns.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Your friend,” Ibe starts, then hesitates. “He’s ... interesting.”

“How so?” Eiji asks, suddenly feeling defensive of Ash.

“He ... kept his distance from me, it seemed like. And nearly ran from the apartment when he left.”

“He’s been through a lot, I think.” Eiji pulls a mug down from the cabinet. “Would you mind if he came over more often? Even not for school?”

After Ibe’s less than positive appraisal of Ash, Eiji is expecting to have to fight for this. Instead, Ibe smiles.

“He’s welcome anytime. I’m glad you’ve made a friend, especially so early in the school year.”

Eiji pauses. A friend?

“Yeah,” he says after a moment. “I guess I have.” A talking friend, his mind provides. He nearly drops the mug, cringing once again when he thinks about what Ash thought the alternative was. Why can’t he get over the way Ash described it?

A friend. Well, he can only hope that Ash sees him the same way soon, if he doesn’t already.

— — —

Eiji never thought he would enjoy homework the way he does when he works on the history project with Ash. Of course, he knows that it’s not really the project that he looks forward to every time, but the opportunity to spend time with the person who has become his closest friend in America.

Regardless of whether or not Ash sees him that way as well.

Eiji feels drawn to Ash, in a way he can’t quite explain. It’s only increased in the past couple weeks. Maybe it’s the knowledge that he’s been hurt in ways Eiji can scarcely imagine that makes him want to stay close. To be there for him, when it seems like no one really has before.

“Ready to get started?” Ash asks. He seems to have become more comfortable in Eiji’s apartment, and even around Ibe, though Ibe is often out of the apartment when Ash comes over. Eiji asked Ash once if he’d rather work on the project at his own place, but he just shook his head and said a quick, Nah, I’m good here if you are.

“Sure! I don’t know how you said you were planning to finish this in a few nights. We have the whole semester and I still feel like I wouldn’t get it done in time on my own.”

Ash laughs, and it’s a bit different than the laugh he has around Shorter. A little more free. He scoots closer to Eiji, and now their shoulders are brushing against each other, ever so softly. Eiji’s breathing feels a little more shallow than it should.

“... See what I mean?” Ash asks. He’s pointing to something in the textbook, but Eiji hadn’t even realized he was talking.

“Uh, can you repeat that?” Eiji tries. “I still don’t quite get it.”

Laughing again, Ash bumps their shoulders together playfully. Eiji’s breathing stops entirely for a moment. “Come on, this is simple stuff.”

“R-right, sorry.”

Their shoulders are still touching now, more than a light brush. Ash seems to realize this, and suddenly retreats to the opposite side of the textbook. He coughs.

“I—sorry. I just, uh. I was saying that ...”

Eiji tries to listen. He really does. But it’s hard for him to focus on anything other than how his arm still feels warm from where they touched, and the way that Ash keeps his distance from him for the rest of their time together.

— — —

Eiji invites both Ash and Shorter to watch his track practice.

Ash doesn’t show.

Surprisingly, the tryouts for the winter track season were in early September, only a couple weeks after the start of the school year. Also, much to Eiji’s delight, there’s an indoor pole vault.

Throughout the whole practice, Eiji keeps glancing at the bleachers, hoping that maybe Ash just got caught up with something else and is still planning to come. That he’ll just miss the start of the practice. Or that he’ll come for the second half. Or that he’ll catch the end.

But Ash doesn’t show.

Shorter shows up at the start, and stays for the whole time. He’s one of the only people watching, and makes a ridiculous show of cheering Eiji on when it’s his turn to vault. Eiji still barely knows him, really, but Shorter has quickly become one of the most loyal friends he’s ever had.

After practice, Eiji heads over toward Shorter.

“You were amazing!” Shorter yells, when Eiji has barely made it halfway from the locker rooms to the bleachers.

He feels his face heat a little. “You think so?” he asks once he’s closer. “I feel like I’m quite out of practice since my time vaulting in Japan.”

Shorter shakes his head. “Talk about setting the bar high!” He laughs. “No one else had it higher than you, did they?”

“Well, no, but—I am a senior, and—”

“Nah, dude, don’t be modest. You’re incredible.”

Eiji grins, but it fades after a moment. “Did Ash ... ?” he starts, trailing off.

Frowning, Shorter sighs. “I’m sorry. I haven’t heard from him.”

“Oh, it’s fine.” He tries to hide his disappointment behind a smile. “I’m sure he’s busy.”

Shorter shrugs. “Who knows with him, honestly? Not the first time he’s disappeared without a word, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I usually just give him his space.”

Eiji doesn’t like the idea of that. He’s only had a few opportunities to talk to Ash since they worked on the project that most recent time, but he doesn’t like the idea of him being alone. He was wondering if maybe he was just avoiding Eiji—after all, he rarely shows up to their history class. But if Shorter hasn’t heard from him either ...

“I’ll text him,” Eiji decides, hardly realizing that he’s saying it out loud.

Shorter laughs softly, which makes Eiji frown. “Okay,” Shorter says. “I’m glad.”

— — —

It takes Eiji until the next day to actually text Ash. It’s in their history class, when Ash is absent yet again, that Eiji pulls out his phone and hides it under the desk. The last text he sent Ash was inviting him to the track practice. Ash never responded.

[Eiji:]
The invitation is still open, okay?
You can show up any time you want
To track practice, to my apartment
Whatever you need, Ash

[Ash:]
Sorry
When’s the next practice?

[Eiji:]
Today, actually!
We have practice Monday through Friday during the season
After school, in the gym
So you can show up any day!

[Ash:]
I’ll be there
Today.
I promise.

Eiji blinks at his phone, even after he turns the screen off. Even though Ash is absent from class, he’ll show up to Eiji’s track practice? The thought has him smiling. Even if Ash is just ditching because he doesn’t want to be here, the idea that he would show up for Eiji anyway makes him feel warm inside.

Eiji wonders for a moment if Ash would do the same for Shorter or any of his friends. 

His phone buzzes again.

[Ash:]
I’m sorry, by the way
About how shitty I’ve been

[Eiji:]
You have not been shitty!

[Ash:]
I’m just
I don’t know
Scared?
Sometimes
I’m sorry.

[Eiji:]
Don’t apologize!
What are you scared of?

[Ash:]
I’ll be at your practice.
I will

Which, much like the last time Eiji asked him a serious question over text, is not an answer. But, much like last time, Eiji lets it go. He’s not going to force anything out of Ash. Not physically, not emotionally. Nothing he doesn’t want to share.

Even if Eiji is dying to know what’s going on in Ash’s head.

Over the next few minutes, a feeling grows from his soulmate’s side of the bond. It starts small, and Eiji struggles to identify the emotion at first. As it builds, it becomes more clear—guilt. They’re feeling guilty. After about 10 minutes, it becomes so strong that words slip through. Or, really, just one word; one that he’s heard over the bond quite often in the past.

Sorry sorry sorry sorry—

— — —

Ash isn’t there at the start of practice.

But he does show up.

Eiji breathes a sigh of relief when he sees Ash silently slip into the gymnasium about 20 minutes in. He suddenly feels in top form. Ready to jump. Ready to fly.

He can’t keep a smile off of his face, especially when he realizes that every time he looks over to Ash, his eyes are on Eiji. And he looks ... happy, almost. Eiji nearly wonders why he was worried at all.

He spends most of the rest of practice waiting for his turn to jump. Through the stretches, strength training, and running, all he wants is to jump. And it’s not even about showing off, even after Shorter’s compliments. At least, not entirely. Not even mostly.

Well, maybe mostly.

But he also wants to share this with Ash. That moment when he feels the most free. Maybe it’s a little conceited of him, but part of him hopes that Ash will feel ... inspired? He’s not sure if he knows the right word for it. But he wants Ash to know how he feels when he jumps, and maybe to feel some of it himself, too.

And then it’s time. He pays more attention than usual, wanting to get everything perfect. He breathes. Runs. Then jumps.

And he’s flying, and he’s not paying attention anymore, and suddenly he’s flooded with emotion. He always feels when he’s in the air, feels emotions strong and deep, but it’s never been like this before. He feels more than he ever has before, and different emotions than usual. There’s the exhilaration, like always. The feeling of freedom, the elation. But somehow, mixed in, there’s awe. Shock. Delight. Even envy. Things he’s never felt quite like this before, emotions that almost don’t feel like his own.

It’s incredible.

He lands perfectly, bouncing up almost immediately. His coach compliments his form, saying that that’s the best she’s seen from a student in a long time, but Eiji barely hears her. His eyes are on Ash.

Ash, whose eyes are filled with wonder. Ash, whose smile he’s never seen be quite so genuine before. Just ... Ash.

And it almost feels like he’s still flying.

Chapter Text

He flew, Ash thinks. Like a bird.

Eiji can fly.

The awe he feels leaves in an instant, and his stomach lurches.

And I would clip his wings, if he knew what my soulmark used to be.

He’s glad, actually, that the bond is broken. Eiji’s probably better off without a soulmate than with someone like Ash.

Not probably. Definitely.

Eiji pales, looking almost sick, his previous high seemingly gone. Ash knows the feeling. Eiji walks over toward him, practically stumbling.

“Hey, are you okay?” Ash asks. “You—Fuck, you were incredible out there. Did you push yourself too hard?”

Eiji shakes his head. “I’m okay. Sorry.” He takes a breath, then grins. “You really liked it?”

Ash can’t help but return the smile. “I’ve never—I didn’t—” Shit, he can’t even find the words to express half of what he felt, seeing Eiji soar like that. “I envy you,” he settles on. “You know how to fly.”

Nodding, Eiji smiles even brighter. “Flying,” he agrees. “That’s exactly what it feels like.”

“I wish—” Ash stops himself. That’s a stupid thing to say. Risky, and pathetic, and stupid, even if Eiji doesn’t know he’s supposed to be Ash’s soulmate. But—

I wish I could feel it with you. How you feel when you fly.

— — —

Ash picks at his food. When he started attending school last year, Jessica or Max prepared a box lunch for him every day, like they do for Michael. Ash couldn’t stand the idea of them wasting the effort on him—especially since he’s barely able to bring himself to eat, anyway. Since Max and Jessica had to pay for the food in the box lunch, eventually Ash asked if he could have hot lunches instead. Jessica had questioned him about it, but agreed, even when he didn’t answer.

Of course, the hot lunches cost a bit more than the food they were preparing for him did, but Jessica makes enough money that it’s not really a noticeable difference. Ash figures it’s worth less than the time and effort they wasted preparing his lunches themselves.

Not that that stopped him from considering turning tricks on the streets and slipping the money into their wallets.

But he couldn’t deal with the mental image of what would happen if they found out, since they’re still pretending Ash is actually worth more than just his weight in orgasms, so he decided against it.

“Why don’t you eat more?”

Eiji is sitting with him.

“I’m not hungry,” Ash replies.

“You never seem to be.”

Ash stabs at a carrot with his fork, bending the plastic tongs. “I’m watching my figure,” he tries instead. “You don’t look this beautiful without some pain involved.”

Beautiful. He cringes a little, even though he was the one who used the word.

Eiji frowns. “I don’t like the idea of you in pain. For any reason.”

Ash sighs, then takes a bite out of his hot dog. “Happy?” he asks, mouth full.

Scrunching up his nose, Eiji laughs. “Better,” he allows.

Arthur approaches their table, and Ash is struck with both a sense of deja vu and the sudden urge to hit him in his incredibly punchable face again.

“I can’t believe they let you out of your cage, Lynx.”

Cage. Ash’s skin crawls, and he suppresses a shiver.

“They should have expelled you. Taken you out with the other leftovers.” He gestures to the trash can, full of half-eaten food. Ash is almost impressed that he was clever enough to come up with that implication.

“Why do you do this to him?” Eiji asks, glaring up at Arthur.

“Don’t, Eiji,” Ash warns. I’m not worth it.

Eiji frowns at Ash. “Don’t tell me what to do,” he snaps.

Arthur smirks. “Would you rather I focus on you instead, Samurai Boy?”

See? “Leave him alone,” Ash growls.

Shorter isn’t in the vicinity, probably ditching today, but Sing is at the next table as usual. For some reason, he decides to intervene.

“This isn’t fair, Arthur,” he says. “You always have your gang of asshats with you, and Ash is always alone.”

Ash is always alone. Great. Big help. Thanks, Sing.

“He is not alone!” Eiji insists, catching Ash off guard. “I’m here with him, and I will stay by his side.”

Ash shakes his head. Save it, Eiji, he thinks. Save it for someone who deserves you.

Sing is one of the underclassmen that Shorter has under his wing, but for some godawful reason, his soulmate is Yut-Lung. The poor kid.

Yut-Lung, who decides to get involved as well.

“Sing, leave these lowlifes alone. They’re not worth your time.”

For once, Ash agrees with the snake.

Sing glares at his soulmate. “Ash is Shorter’s friend!”

Eiji looks over at Sing and Yut-Lung, and for a moment, Ash is the only one whose eyes are on Arthur.

Which means he’s the only one who sees Arthur reach for Eiji. Again.

Ash lunges at him, all but leaping over the table, and grabs his arm. He clenches his fingers down, digging his nails in as hard as he can.

“Don’t touch him.” And if Ash was growling before, this is as fierce a snarl as he can manage. Arthur actually looks frightened. Ash is surprised with himself; he’s never felt quite this protective of anyone before. He wants Eiji safe, at all costs. At all costs.

“Ash!” Eiji cries, shocked. He pulls Ash’s arm away from Arthur, and Ash reluctantly releases his grip. He pulls his arm back, bringing Eiji closer to him.

Arthur steps back. “Fine,” he says. “Keep your toy for now. After all, it’s only a matter of time before he breaks.”

Ash isn’t quite sure which one of them he’s talking to.

— — —

“Why did you stop me?” Ash asks, later that day. They’re at Eiji’s place again, working on the stupid fucking history project. Ash could have finished it on his own ages ago, but is working at Eiji’s pace instead. At least it’s an excuse to spend time with Eiji. Ibe isn’t in the apartment right now, off doing a photography shoot, but he gave Eiji permission to have Ash over even when he’s not home.

“What do you mean?” Eiji asks.

“With Arthur. You were the one at risk. Why did you stop me?”

Eiji frowns, as though the answer should be obvious. “You’ve already been suspended this semester, Ash, and it’s barely November. I don’t want you to end up expelled, or in jail.” He smirks. “An orange jumpsuit wouldn’t suit you.”

Ash scoffs. Someone would be into it, he’s sure. Unwrap it like a present, handcuffs already included.

“Are you okay?” Eiji asks, out of the blue.

“Huh? Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You had that look that you get sometimes. Like you’re somewhere else.”

Ash blinks. He has a look? If so, no one’s ever noticed it before. Or at least never cared enough to tell him.

“I’m fine. You have your first track meet tomorrow, right?” he asks, trying for a topic change.

Eiji brightens. “Yeah! Will you be there?”

Ash smiles, feeling soft. “Of course.” He’s been attending at least part of almost all of Eiji’s practices, staying late after school.

They go back to the history project.

After about 15 minutes, Eiji runs both of his hands through his hair. “Ugh, I just don’t understand this stuff like you do.”

Ash laughs. “Well, it’s AP World History, but it’s from a United States perspective, and you didn’t exactly grow up in this country like I did.”

Eiji tilts his head. “Why are you in this class, anyway?” he asks. “It’s mostly seniors, right? Aren’t you a junior?”

Ash shakes his head. “I’m not anything,” he says, then winces at how true that statement is.

“Then how ... ?” Eiji starts.

“I ... tested in. When I transferred to this school. They let me test out of about the same amount of credits as a junior when I started last semester, so I should be able to graduate when I’m 18 like everyone else.”

“You tested out of all those classes?” Eiji asks, incredulous.

Ash shrugs. “It’s not that big of a deal,” he mutters.

“No way! That’s incredible! Don’t sell yourself short.”

Ash almost laughs. As though he hasn’t sold himself for whatever someone’s willing to pay. For free. As though he’s worth more than that.

“You have that look, again,” Eiji says softly. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, it’s not your fault. Sorry.” Ash clenches his fists, digging his nails in. Trying to refocus.

“Where were you?” It’s a whisper, but something about the way he says it sounds like a scream.

Ash blinks. “Before I transferred?”

Eiji bites his lip. “That, or when you get that look in your eyes. Anything you’re willing to tell me.”

Ash hesitates for a long, long moment, holding his breath.

“If the answer is none of it, Ash, that’s okay too.”

He shakes his head. Maybe Eiji deserves to know. After all, he was supposed to be Ash’s soulmate. But how much?

“I’m sorry,” he starts. “Nothing I’m about to say is pretty.”

“I don’t care about pretty,” Eiji says. “I care about you.”

Isn’t pretty all I am?

“I ... I mean ...” Ash clears his throat. “A lot of the rumors about me are true. I know that’s not what you want to hear.”

Eiji shakes his head. “No, Ash, I want to hear the truth. Regardless of what it is. It will not change how I see you, or how I feel about you.”

How do you feel about me? Ash wonders, but pushes the thought away. It won’t matter as soon as he says his next sentence.

He looks down. He can’t make eye contact with Eiji. Not while he says any of this.

“I was 8 when I first killed a man,” he starts, and immediately he can’t stop. “He ... he raped me. A year before that. When I was 7. That was ... the first time I had sex. I was so, so scared, Eiji. Crying and somehow also paralyzed in fear. My heart was screaming for help, but I couldn’t let out a single word. And ... it continued, for a year. I didn’t tell anyone, but my dad found out anyway, after the first time. We went to the police, but ... they didn’t believe me. Asked if I seduced him. I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything in my defense. Just ... listened to them talk about me like that.”

Eiji doesn’t say a word. Doesn’t make a sound. Ash knows he should stop, should have stopped before he started, but he’s never said it out loud—not like this, only to the lawyers. And the words flow, some borrowed from courtroom defenses and others entirely his own.

“My dad told me I shouldn’t fight back, but ask him to pay me next time. So I did, and he did, and by a year later I couldn’t take it and I stole my dad’s gun and I killed him. When I shot him, I cried. I ... I cried, because I felt nothing.”

Ash gasps, almost a sob, but no tears come.

“He ... the man, my baseball coach, he’d raped and killed other kids before me. So I wasn’t convicted, but ... people talk, you know? And I couldn’t handle it. I ran away. I lived on the streets for a bit, and then got picked up by ... by a mafia organization that ... trafficked little kids. For sex. I was one of their whores, sold to the highest bidder every night. It was shut down, earlier this year, but I was there for 7 years. You might have heard about it. Dino Golzine, he ...” Ash shakes his head, still looking down. He still can’t look at Eiji. He’ll probably never be able to again, after this. “He did a lot of things to me. Including this.” Ash holds up his left hand, palm toward himself so that Eiji can see the scar in all its glory. His next words are a whisper. “When he ... when he burned it off, he told me ... that he was the only one who would love me now.”

Ash brings his hand back down, and almost without realizing it, digs the nails of his right hand into the back of his left. Not that he can feel it anyway; the nerves were destroyed at the same time his soulbond was.

He leaves out the part where his soulmark used to match Eiji’s.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Eiji, I shouldn’t have told—I’m sorry, I’m—” He cuts off and finally brings himself to glance up at Eiji.

Eiji, who is silently crying.

“I’m sorry!” Ash says again. “I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s okay, Ash!” Eiji says. “There’s ... a lot in my head right now, for some reason. It’s not just you.”

Great. Eiji was already having a shitty time and Ash just made everything worse. He shouldn’t have expected any better from himself.

“It’s fine,” Eiji says, wiping at his eyes. “You don’t need to understand feelings to feel them. Ash, I—”

“I’ll leave,” Ash says. He starts to stand, but stumbles, barely catching himself on the corner of Eiji’s bed. “Sorry. I’ll finish the project by myself. You won’t have to see me again.”

“No! Ash, please don’t. Please don’t leave.”

Ash pauses, though he knows he shouldn’t.

“None of that was your fault, okay? I promise. And I meant what I said. This doesn’t change how I see you, or how I feel about you. I promise, Ash. I promise.”

And this time, Ash can’t help but ask.

“How ... how do you feel about me, Eiji?”

“Ways I shouldn’t,” Eiji whispers. Then, even quieter, so Ash can barely hear: “Like ... I want to stay by your side.”

Ash bites his lip, hard. Eiji said that earlier today, too, but it feels different this time. Like it means more.

Or maybe it did before, too, and Ash just didn’t realize.

How could he do this to Eiji? And yet ...

“I feel almost like I want to stay by your side, too,” he admits.

“Ash, can I ... You can say no! But—can I try ... kissing you?”

And Ash shouldn’t feel this way. Eiji shouldn’t, either. Ash isn’t his soulmate, not anymore. Eiji should settle down with someone else, someone whose soulmate has died, like Max did with Jessica, or find some other way to be happy. And Ash should be alone. They’re not soulmates. They’re not.

But Ash still wants to stay near Eiji Okumura. And Eiji wants to stay by Ash’s side, too.

“Fuck it,” Ash whispers. “You don’t need to understand feelings to feel them.”

And they kiss.

Chapter Text

They kissed.

They kissed.

And it felt so, so right.

People have flings, of course, and sometimes even settle down with someone other than their soulmate. But sparks like that? Eiji thought he would never feel that way until he saw his soulmark on another person.

So why, why, why can he only think about Ash?

Ash, who has been through so much, and can maybe still find it in himself to care about Eiji.

He wonders if he’s betraying his soulmate by feeling this way about Ash. And they’ve also been through so, so much. Not that they’ve met, yet, or even talked over the soulbond. And who knows; maybe by the time they do, Eiji won’t feel like this about Ash anymore.

But somehow, he knows that won’t be true.

And he’s not polyamorous, either. Maybe his soulmate will be okay with being platonic? Though platonic soulmates are rather rare.

Either way, this is a little bit of a mess.

But it feels worth it, anyway.

Ash feels worth it.

He pushes it all out of his head. For now, he has a track meet to focus on. And Ash will be there, cheering him on.

— — —

Eiji is buzzing with energy before the meet. The first meet of the season is always a little special, and he wants to start off strong.

Of course, he can’t deny that in the back of his mind, he’s still riding the high from kissing Ash.

And, pushed even further back in his mind, he’s absolutely sickened at what he learned about Ash last night. Not that he feels anything against Ash, of course—he’s horrified for him, not by him.

He wants to be there for him. So, so badly.

But instead, Ash is here for him, in the bleachers already before the meet even starts. Incredible, sweet, wonderful Ash, here for Eiji, despite everything he’s been through and everything he brought himself to say just last night.

Eiji’s soulmate seems to be in a good mood, too, which is fairly uncommon. But today, their energy is buzzing on the same frequency as Eiji’s.

“You’re here!” Eiji says, practically bouncing his way up to the back of the bleachers where Ash is.

“Of course. I told you I would be.” Ash smiles, soft and true.

“I wondered—I mean, after everything you told me last night, I wasn’t sure if you’d still want to—”

“Don’t worry about any of that,” Ash interrupts. “You have bigger things to focus on right now.”

That almost puts a dent in Eiji’s mood, hearing Ash call a simple track meet bigger than everything he’s been through. But Ash is still smiling, and his soulmate is still glowing, so Eiji can’t really bring himself to feel anything but happiness.

Eiji floats back out toward the track.

As the start time gets closer and spectators file in, Eiji notices Arthur in the stands, not far from Ash. He frowns. He doesn’t like Arthur being anywhere near Ash. It only ever means trouble. And he wants to be there for him again, tempted to storm up the bleachers and tell Arthur off. But it’s almost time to start.

He takes a breath. Ash can take care of himself.

Not much later, it’s his turn to vault.

Eiji breathes. He runs. He jumps.

And he flies.

But something’s wrong—there’s a spike of fear, and it takes him too long to realize that it’s not his own, but his soulmate’s. Time seems to slow. He taps the bar, sending it toppling down already on his first jump. But he doesn’t care, still feeling his soulmate’s panic. He unthinkingly twists to look at Ash, and sees him up against the wall, Arthur’s hand on his jaw.

Eiji lands, but he was in the wrong position in the air, and he lands wrong.

He hears the snap before he feels the pain.

There’s a hundred sounds coming from the crowd, but breaking through it all is Ash’s voice.

“Eiji!” Ash screams, but somehow it’s too loud, and it’s in Eiji’s head, too. Ash’s voice disappears from his ears, but his soulmate’s voice is still in his head.

Eiji, no! No no no no no, Eiji, no! Please stand up, I’m so sorry, fuck, I’m sorry Eiji, please ...

He turns slightly and sees Ash trying to run to him, held back by Arthur. There’s pain spiking from Eiji’s ankle and spreading through his leg, and he’s panicking, and there’s a medic near him and somehow he knows he’ll never pole vault again. But breaking through the uproar is a single realization.

Ash?

... Eiji?

Shock radiates from both of them, alongside the panic and Ash’s guilt.

You’re my soulmate?

— — —

Ash isn’t able to come to the hospital with Eiji, but he talks to him over the soulbond the whole time.

Fuck, Ash says. You’re in pain. I can feel it. You’re in so much pain.

I’m fine, Eiji promises. Ash shouldn’t be able to feel the physical pain over the soulbond so much as the emotions that accompany it.

I’m so sorry, Eiji.

Why? How is this your fault?

Ash doesn’t respond, but a wave of guilt washes over Eiji from the bond, so strong it’s almost nauseating.

I’m okay, Ash. Everything is okay.

But with how new their bond is, and how little control they have over it, Eiji knows he won’t be able to hide anything from Ash.

He knows that Ash can feel his panic, his terror, and the knowledge that he’ll never fly again.

And it’s my fault, Ash adds onto Eiji’s thought.

It is not!

They numb Eiji’s ankle for the surgery, but he stays awake. He refuses to look. Refuses to watch.

I’m here with you, Eiji. I’m here, I’m here, Ash chants.

Thank you, Eiji says, a whispered thought. You’re helping. So much.

As the pain fades to numbness, Eiji’s thoughts start to clear.

Did you know? Eiji asks. 

Confusion passes through the bond.

That we’re soulmates, Eiji clarifies.

Yeah. I mean, kinda. I recognized your soulmark. But I—I didn’t think—

Ash’s emotions are in turmoil, and Eiji feels all of them.

My mark was destroyed when I was 9, Eiji. If a mark is destroyed before the soulbond opens, it’ll never develop.

A dizzying wave of astonishment and confusion passes over Eiji from Ash’s side. Eiji is struck by the thought that Ash feels everything so strongly, though he’s not sure if that’s usual or just due to the state they’re both currently in.

This shouldn’t be happening, Ash continues. Our bond should have broken. It’s broken, it’s broken ...

A memory washes over Eiji, but it’s his own—of being 8 years old and feeling overwhelming, incapacitating terror early in Japan’s morning.

It clicks.

What you—Ash, what you told me last night. About how you were—hurt, for the first time, when you were 7.

I’m sorry! Ash nearly shouts. Fuck, I’m—I know you don’t want a soulmate like me—I’m so sorry, I can just—we can block the bond and pretend I never fucking existed—

No no no, Ash, listen to me! Eiji cries. I told you it doesn’t change how I feel! I just ... that was when your bond opened. I was 8, when ... when my soulmate’s side of the bond opened, and I felt ... that.

Ash’s emotions all but disappear for a moment, replaced by a dull silence. Then a shock so strong that Eiji gasps.

“Are you okay?” the doctor asks. Eiji almost forgot that he’s in the middle of surgery at the moment. “Are you in pain at all?”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Eiji assures. “My soulmate,” he explains. It’ll probably take some time before Eiji gets used to the soulbond being fully open and is able to separate his own emotions from Ash’s more.

Ash? he asks.

The shock is beginning to mix with horror.

You felt ... all of that? Ash asks.

I was there with you, Ash. I always have been.

For all those years?

Eiji’s breathing goes shallow from how strongly Ash is feeling.

Of course. I am always with you.

Ash is still talking, in his mind, but Eiji can tell it’s not to him anymore.

No no no I made you suffer so much if I had known I would have blocked the bond I would have saved you I’m so sorry Eiji you didn’t deserve this I should have just fucking—

Ash? Eiji asks, hoping to draw him out of his thoughts and calm him down.

Instead, Eiji is flooded with regret, remorse, guilt, shame, and the overwhelming desire to end—

And then it’s gone.

Silence.

... Ash? he tries.

There’s no response, and the only panic he feels is his own.

— — —

Ash doesn’t show up to school the next day. Or the day after that. Or for the rest of the week. He doesn’t respond to Eiji’s texts. And for the first time in 9 years, his presence is gone from Eiji’s mind.

He tries asking Shorter, but he just says he hasn’t heard from Ash either. He makes it sound like it’s not a big deal, but Eiji knows better.

Eiji doesn’t tell anyone that Ash is his soulmate. He doesn’t feel like it’s his information to share. Not alone, anyway.

And he doesn’t know where Ash is. Tries breaking down the block on the bond, throwing all of his thoughts and emotions against it and trying desperately to get through to Ash, despite knowing that a block can only be undone by the soulmate who created it.

Eiji has never, ever felt so alone.

His one consolation is that the block is there, and he can feel it. That means that Ash is out there, somewhere. He hasn’t ... done what he wanted to do.

Ash is alive.

Eiji just has to find him.

Chapter Text

[Eiji:]
Ash please respond
Please come back
I’m sorry
I’m not angry
I wanted to be there for you
And I still do
Please, Ash
Please
You’re my soulmate
And it finally made sense
But you left
And I don’t know what to do

Ash mutes his phone.

... Talking friends, they said. But they touched—kind of. They kissed.

And it’s not like that was Ash’s first kiss. Shit, it was so, so far from it. But it was the first one that put butterflies in his stomach instead of knots. The first one that had his heart pounding with excitement instead of terror.

The first one that didn’t hurt.

And Ash can’t stop thinking about it. About that, and Eiji’s laugh, and his eyes, and his hair and his lips and his smile. The way he smiles like nothing in the world has ever hurt him, and nothing ever can.

That smile is the most addictive substance in the world, and Ash is an addict refusing help, going to any lengths just for the brief high it gives him.

But it’s time to quit.

Fuck, it’s time to quit everything.

[Shorter:]
Hey bud
I know you’re prone to shit like this
But Eiji’s not used to it and he’s real worried
Maybe shoot him a quick text?
It’s been like a week, man
He’s starting to look physically ill
I dunno what’s going on, but the kid deserves better than this

Ash turns his phone off altogether.

Shorter’s right. Eiji does deserve better than Ash.

And Ash will—he will—stay away, and give Eiji that chance.

No matter how hard staying away will be.

And if he can’t bring himself to do it, he’ll just make sure he doesn’t have another option.

Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. Whatever it—

Chapter Text

“What did you do to him?” Eiji demands at lunch. This would probably be a little more intimidating if he had been able to storm up to Arthur without the crutches.

“Who, your precious Lynx boy? I told you; toys break.” Arthur smirks. Eiji would punch him if he didn’t need both hands to keep himself standing.

“I saw you, at the meet. You held him back.”

“Didn’t want him interfering with the medics,” Arthur responds, shrugging. “I was doing you a favor.”

“Did you plan this?”

“What, your broken ankle? Of course not. That was your own fault. Nothing I did could have caused that.”

Right. Because no one else knows that Eiji and Ash are soulmates.

“I just wanted to mess with the little slut while he was so pathetically weak. That is, around you.”

Eiji glares. “You pick on people who are unprotected, people who are hurting, and you hurt them even more. You are a terrible, awful person.”

He turns on Yut-Lung, who’s seated by Sing at the table next to where Ash and Eiji normally sit.

“And you, ” Eiji seethes. He’s furious. “You think that these rumors are fun to spread? That it does no harm because they’re just words? Ash needs help. Not to hate himself even more because of what bullies like you say.”

Eiji takes a breath, but it does nothing to quell his anger. No one else says anything.

“Shorter,” he demands. “You are Ash’s best friend, but you don’t even care when he disappears like this! You think it’s no big deal just because it happens often? That’s only more reason to make sure he’s okay!” Eiji feels his eyes burn, and doesn’t even try to stop the tears. “I have had it with all of you. This school is awful, and so are nearly all of you in it.” He doesn’t say it out loud, but he thinks that Ash is the only reason why his move to America has been worth it.

He storms out of the cafeteria, not bothering to get a lunch. He’s not hungry.

— — —

Eiji sits on the bleachers and watches the track practice. He’s off the team, of course. The doctors told him he should avoid running as much as possible in the future, even once he’s healed—and, as Eiji suspected, that his pole vaulting career is over.

He’s not sure if it feels good or bad to watch the others run.

Shorter walks in just a few minutes after the bell.

“Thought I’d find you here,” he says.

Eiji grunts. “If you’re here to apologize, I don’t want to hear it. And if you’re not here to apologize, I really don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m here to help you find Ash.”

“... I’m listening.”

“I know a couple of his regular hangouts. From before he spent most of his time with you.”

Eiji feels his face heat up at that. “You think he’ll be in one of those spots?”

“He doesn’t have anywhere else to go,” Shorter says. “Although this won’t work if he’s spending all his time at home. I don’t know his address.”

“So we just have to hope that he’d rather be alone than around his family.” Eiji thinks about how Ash never wanted to study at his own house. “That seems likely.”

“Exactly. Want to start searching?”

Before they do, Shorter pulls out his phone and starts typing.

“Are you texting Ash?” Eiji asks.

“No, I’m emailing one of our teachers—Blanca—and asking for Ash’s address. It’s totally against the rules, but I think he might be willing to help us anyway.”

It takes them forever to search because of Eiji’s crutches. Shorter would probably be more effective on his own, but Eiji wants to be there the moment they find Ash.

The first spot they check is under the bleachers by the track field outside.

“You really think he’d be out here?” Eiji asks. “It’s freezing out.” He wraps his arms around himself as best he can. It’s approaching December now, and New York City is getting cold.

“You really think he’d care about something like that when he’s in whatever state he’s in?”

Okay. That’s a good point.

“Ash and I usually hung out here when we were ditching together last semester.”

They don’t find Ash. But they do find something indicating that he was here. Something concerning.

“This is Ash’s,” Shorter says, picking up the hoodie that’s thrown over one of the bleachers. “He just left it here?”

Eiji’s stomach lurches. That’s practically self harm, abandoning his jacket in this temperature.

He imagines Ash, standing here under the bleachers. Looking out onto the track. Maybe Ash thought about what Eiji would look like out here, framed by the sky and sun instead of the overbright LEDs of the gymnasium.

Maybe he thought about how he’ll never see Eiji that way. That Eiji will never run again. Blaming himself for it. Abandoning his jacket, waiting to see how long it takes for him to go numb in the cold.

Eiji feels sick, doubling over, crutches barely holding him up.

“We have to find him,” he says, resolute.

“We will,” Shorter assures. “Now we know that he’s out here somewhere.”

“Where would he go? After this?”

“He might stop by the gas station across the street. Sometimes we’d lift from there.”

“Lift?” Eiji asks. He’s having trouble even registering Shorter’s words right now, much less when they’re words he doesn’t know.

“Shoplift. Steal. Just small stuff, usually. It’s more my idea than his. He did it a lot more on his own when I first met him, like he didn’t know how else to live. But his guardians give him money now, even though he doesn’t ask for it.”

Eiji remembers Ash saying that he lived on the streets for a while. That’s probably where he picked up the idea that he needs to steal to survive.

They head to the gas station, but Eiji knows that even if Ash was there, he’ll be gone by the time they arrive. They’re too slow, with Eiji’s crutches. If he was stealing, he probably wouldn’t stick around for too long afterwards.

Sure enough, when they get there, there’s no sign of Ash.

Shorter walks up to the cashier. “Was there someone in here earlier, a boy around our age, bright blond hair, light green eyes?” Eiji notices for the first time that Shorter’s voice sounds a little panicked. Eiji can’t even bring himself to speak.

The cashier nods. “Yeah, he was here about half an hour ago. Kid looked like an angel, but picked up an energy drink from the fridge and tried to walk out with it. Didn’t even try to hide it, either. Wasn’t quiet when opening the fridge, and held the drink out in the open. Like he was trying to get caught or something.” He scoffs.

Shorter glances at Eiji, and Eiji holds his gaze for a moment.

“I thought maybe he just forgot to pay,” the cashier continues, “but when I called out to him as he walked toward the door, he just kept walking. I wasn’t gonna call the cops over an energy drink, you know? So I just asked him to please pay for it. But instead, he just put the drink back and left. Kid didn’t even have a coat on, either, and it looks like it’s about to snow out there. Maybe he drove here, but he looked too young for that.”

Ash is 16, but does look a bit younger. Eiji takes a deep breath. What is Ash hoping to accomplish? At least they happened to come here on the day the cashier noticed Ash. Has he been stealing from here every day for the past week? Or just today?

Eiji wonders about the jacket, too. It’s possible that it had been left there for days, but it was still hanging on the bleacher and didn’t look particularly dirty. What was different about today?

Eiji triple checks that the block on his soulbond is still there, throwing please at it a few times despite knowing that Ash won’t hear it through the block. He needs the reassurance that Ash is out there, somewhere. Even if Eiji is slow at getting to him, he’s not too late yet.

They step out of the gas station.

“I don’t know any other spots he might be,” Shorter says, “but Blanca responded with his home address. It sounds like he’s been worried, too.”

Eiji nods. “Please thank him for helping us. Let’s go.”

When they get to Ash’s house, a man in his early 30s opens the door.

“We’re Ash’s friends from school,” Eiji quickly explains. “Is he here?”

The man nods. “He just got back not too long ago. I’m ... not sure that he wants company, though. But you’re welcome to try. God knows we haven’t been able to get through to him.”

The man points them to Ash’s bedroom. Eiji knocks on the door.

“Ash? It’s me. Can I come in?”

There’s a few seconds before Ash responds.

“No,” he says. It’s almost too quiet to hear through the door.

Eiji hesitates. He has a terrible feeling in his stomach, and his mind can’t get past how strong Ash’s urge to end his own life was only a week ago. And the door doesn’t appear to have a lock. But he doesn’t want to betray Ash’s no, either.

Shorter, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to care.

“I’m coming in, Ash,” he says.

“No!” Ash says again, a yell this time. Shorter opens the door.

Ash is standing, looking at the two of them like a deer caught in the headlights.

It takes a moment for Eiji to notice the gun on the bed.

His heart stops, and his blood turns frigid.

Shorter seems to notice a second after Eiji, but reacts before Eiji can bring himself to even breathe again. Shorter lunges for the gun, quickly throwing it across the room away from Ash. It skids toward Eiji’s feet, and Eiji takes a step away from it. He’s never seen a real gun before, and it almost seems fake.

“Ash!” Shorter yells, grabbing him by the shoulders. “What the hell are you doing ?”

Ash starts crying. “Stay away from me,” he says, and even though Shorter’s the one holding onto him, Eiji thinks Ash is talking to him.

“Ash,” Eiji breathes. “God, Ash, no ...”

He feels his own eyes start to burn as Ash sobs harder.

“Stay away,” he says, but his voice sounds like he’s choking.

Shorter releases Ash and steps back. Eiji can see the hurt in his eyes. “You want to leave that badly?” Shorter asks.

“I can’t do this,” Ash says. “I can’t, I can’t ...”

Eiji surges forward. He wants to hug Ash, but hesitates. He doesn’t want to touch him if it’s not what Ash wants.

“I can’t stay away, but all I do is hurt everyone. I hurt you, Eiji, so much!”

Eiji’s tears start to fall too. He wonders again if he should hug Ash, but instead, Ash practically falls forward into Eiji. He’s freezing. Eiji almost falls over, but Ash wraps his arms around him, holding him up. In that moment, Ash reopens their soulbond.

It’s like the Hoover dam breaking, or Niagara Falls crashing over him. Emotions Eiji doesn’t even have words for, in English or Japanese. He nearly collapses from the weight of it.

But through it all, Eiji finally feels calmer than he has in a week, because there’s an emotion he didn’t expect radiating from Ash. An emotion in response to Eiji and Shorter showing up just in time.

Relief.

Chapter Text

“Let me go!” Ash cries into Eiji’s neck. Warmth floods into his body from Eiji’s chest, and into his mind from Eiji’s thoughts.  “Let me go. Please, please, let me go.”

But his thoughts betray him.

Eiji. Eiji, Eiji, Eiji, I’m so scared. I’m so scared!

I have you, Ash, Eiji responds. I’m not going to let you go. Please don’t leave me like this.

I’m sorry, Eiji.

“Let me go ...” Ash whimpers.

I will not.

“Hell no,” Shorter says. His voice is much calmer than Eiji’s thoughts sound, but still tighter than normal. “I’m not letting you do shit when you’re thinking this way. We’re not leaving you alone, either, right Eiji?”

Eiji nods. Sniffles through his tears. Holds Ash even tighter.

“Where’d you get the gun?” Shorter asks, straight to the point. “Not exactly legal for a 16 year old to buy.”

Ash stiffens in Eiji’s arms, thinking of a different gun stolen from a different father at a much younger age, thinking of blood covering his skin and police officers telling him that—

It’s okay, Eiji tells him. You’re here with me now. You’re okay.

But being here is almost worse, somehow, because of course he failed at keeping away from Eiji. He’s hurting other people now, too, not just himself.

“It’s Max’s,” Ash admits, finally starting to get control of his sobbing. “He was in the Iraq War with my brother. Keeping the gun in the house helps him feel safer. But it’s not his fault!”

“It’s okay, Ash,” Shorter assures, and now his voice is softer than Ash has ever heard it. “This isn’t anyone’s fault, okay? No one’s blaming anyone.”

But they should. They should all blame Ash. This whole mess is Ash’s fault, starting back from when he fucking hurt Eiji nearly a decade ago when he seduced his coach and—

Ash! Eiji yells. You are here. And I am here. Stay with me.

The sobs come back, almost harder now. I can’t, I can’t ...

He doesn’t understand why Eiji doesn’t agree with him, especially when he can feel everything Ash is feeling. Doesn’t he see? Doesn’t he understand what a poison Ash is to everyone around him?

I don’t agree with you because you’re wrong, Ash, and I’m certain of that. You aren’t a poison. I promise you.

Ash feels Eiji’s emotions moving through him. His certainty, his desire to protect and comfort, and something that almost feels like love. Directed at Ash.

No, stop! Ash yells. He pulls back and looks Eiji in the eyes, even though they’re both still crying.

What’s wrong? Eiji asks.

Don’t ... feel that way. About me.

A bit of confusion radiates from Eiji’s side. Feel what way, Ash?

Unsure of how to explain, Ash focuses on his own feelings toward Eiji. Lets them flood the bond.

Like ... that.

Eiji tilts his head. Don’t care about you?

Ash nods. Don’t. Please.

“Uh, what the fuck is going on with you two?” Shorter asks. They both jump a little bit. “You look like you’re having a whole-ass conversation with your eyes right now.”

Eiji looks hesitant. “Ash?” he asks out loud.

It’s fine. You can tell him. If you want.

Eiji pulls back from Ash a little more. “We’re ... soulmates. Ash and I.”

Shorter’s eyebrows raise almost to where his hairline would be. “You’re fucking what? ”

“He’s my soulmate,” Ash says. And then again, because he likes the way it sounds, even if he shouldn’t. “Eiji is my soulmate.”

Shorter looks even more shocked after hearing it from Ash. “You ... have a soulmate?” he asks. “I mean, shit, that’s great and all, but I, uh ... Sorry, I mean, I didn’t think you ...”

“I didn’t, either. I thought ... that I broke it a long time ago. The soulbond.”

Eiji glares at him. “ You did nothing wrong, Ash. It was not your fault.”

Ash feels Eiji’s worry through their bond.

Please believe me, Ash. None of this was your fault.

“I hurt you,” Ash says.

“What?” Shorter asks.

“I hurt Eiji,” Ash clarifies. “A lot.”

“What happened?”

“I ... thought the bond was broken. When my soulmark was destroyed. Burned the fuck off. But apparently, my side opened before that. And I didn’t know. So Eiji felt ... everything. That I felt.” Ash isn’t sure he wants to clarify, but Shorter doesn’t ask.

“Shit. Have I ever told you how much I love being aromantic? Soulmates sound like a pain in the fucking ass.”

Eiji laughs at that, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Maybe so,” he says out loud. Then adds, But you’re worth it.

— — —

Max gets rid of the gun. Takes it to a pawnshop within the hour.

“You don’t have to do that,” Ash tries. “I know you feel better with it in the house.”

Max just shakes his head. “I feel best with you safe, kid.”

Not that there aren’t a hundred other ways Ash could off himself if he wanted to. He just thought there was a certain amount of poetic justice to ending his own life the same way he ended his coach’s. But he could just as easily—

Ash! Eiji admonishes. Do not leave me.

Right. Eiji.

You being in my head is the most effective and most annoying suicide watch imaginable.

Despite everything, that raises some amusement in Eiji. Glad I can help, he says. Ash gets the sense of a smirk.

Seriously though, how long is it going to take before they can keep their thoughts a little more separate? Ash can’t even tell which emotions are his own.

Good, Eiji says. I don’t want you feeling all that anyway. I’d rather you feel what I’m feeling instead.

Okay, but what if I don’t want you feeling what I’m feeling? Ash sighs. If only he weren’t so fucked up. Their soulbond may not be broken, but he sure is.

Even if that were true, that doesn’t mean you can’t get better.

Would you stop that? I’m thinking to myself, not to you.

Eiji seems genuinely surprised. Sorry, he says, I can’t tell the difference.

This is definitely gonna take some getting used to.

Jessica, Shorter, and Eiji all stay with Ash while Max takes the gun to the pawnshop. They don’t let Ash go with Max, or be by himself either.

“So you’re Ash’s friends from school?” Jessica asks, trying for small talk despite the circumstances. Ash’s face heats. He’s taking up so much space, having his friends here like this. They’re all in the living room too, not hiding away in Ash’s room like he usually does.

“Sure are!” Shorter says. “Name’s Shorter. I’ve been bugging Ash since he transferred in last year.” He holds his left hand up for Jessica to see. “I’m one of the few ones at school without a soulmark. It’s not ... quite the same, but I guess I related to Ash more than most, at least in that aspect.”

It’s true. Shorter doesn’t know the truth behind Ash’s soulmark and the rest of his past, and he’s never really been a target for rumors like Ash has, but he’s still made sure that Ash was never truly alone from the day he set foot in the school.

Eiji’s a little more hesitant to be so friendly with Jessica. “I’m Eiji. I am ... a friend, as well,” he says. “Although I just transferred in this year.”

“Eiji’s my soulmate,” Ash blurts, half because he still just likes the way it sounds.

I like how it sounds, too, Eiji admits. “Yes,” he says out loud. “Ash is my soulmate.” And I care about him very much, he adds, forcefully pushing the thought into Ash’s mind.

Ash looks down, but not before seeing Jessica’s surprised expression. That’s right. Everyone knows that Ash doesn’t deserve to have a soulmate.

Eiji glares at him, a small spark of indignation coming over the bond.

“You’re soulmates?” Jessica asks.

Ash nods, still looking down.

“Take care of each other, then. That’s what soulmates are for.”

Already fucked that one up, Ash thinks. A wordless reprimand comes from Eiji.

“It can be a very special connection,” Jessica continues. “I was close with my soulmate, before she died, and of course Ash knows about Max and Griffin.”

Ash didn’t meet Max until after Griff died—actually, not until after he left Dino—but he remembers clearly how much Griff cared for his soulmate before he left.

“Don’t worry,” Eiji says softly. “We will.”

You can’t know that, Ash says. I’m not ... I can’t ...

I do know. I know that I will always take care of you, and that you’ll do the same for me.

But Ash can’t, he can’t, he’s too fucked up to possibly take care of someone else the way he would want to. Not to mention that Eiji shouldn’t have to take care of him. He’s not worth the fucking effort.

Ash gets the vague sense of Eiji scolding him again. Eiji’s already taking care of him and Ash can’t fucking do anything.

Michael comes out of his room then, rubbing his eyes from sleep after his nap. Ash’s heart swells in a few ways. He cares about Michael, but ... avoids him, sometimes. Seeing kids that age is always a little painful for him. He’s just so young. So little. And he’s 8, so Ash was—when everything first—he was younger than—

It’s okay, Eiji interrupts.

What if he—I just want to—Eiji, I can’t let anything happen to him.

Nothing like that will happen to him, Ash, Eiji promises. Not when he has people like you looking out for him.

And something about that is a little sad, too, though Ash can’t quite place why it makes him feel the way it does.

It’s because someone should have been there for you, too, Eiji offers.

Fuck.

“Ash!” Michael smiles. “You’re home! You weren’t here when I got home from school.”

That’s right. Ash was ... not here. He was out, trying to—to find a way to—

“I’m here now,” he says, smiling back. “Sorry about that.”

Jessica shoots him a look, and the implication is clear. Michael would miss him.

Michael climbs up onto Ash’s lap, and he holds him. Makes sure he feels safe, even if he doesn’t really know what the alternative is.

“Michael, these are my ... friends,” he tries. “Eiji, and Shorter.” Ash wants to introduce Michael, too, but doesn’t know what to say. He’s not quite sure if he’s allowed to call him brother.

Wide eyed, Michael stares at Shorter. “Your hair is purple!” he exclaims. Ash bounces him on his knee. “Momma, Momma, can I have purple hair?”

“Absolutely not,” Jessica says.

Shorter grins. “You should let him try it. It’ll grow out.”

Jessica just rolls her eyes.

“It’s nice to meet you, Michael,” Eiji says. His voice is a little stronger now than it was when he was talking to Jessica. But it’s still ... soft. Kind. Eiji.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, back then, Eiji says, no doubt sensing Ash’s thoughts. But I’ve always been by your side.

Eiji’s earlier words echo in Ash’s head, from right before he blocked the bond. I am always with you.

Please stay with me , Ash says, hesitant. It doesn’t have to be forever. Even if it’s just for now.

Eiji looks up at Ash, brown eyes burning with emotion.

Forever, Ash.

Chapter Text

On the first day that Ash shows up to school again, Yut-Lung approaches him and Eiji at lunch. Eiji is ready to be on the defensive, glaring at him from his seat. He will protect Ash.

You don’t have to protect me, Ash says. I can take care of myself.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should have to do it alone. I told you. I am by your side.

“I ... wanted to apologize to you,” Yut-Lung starts. He’s looking at Eiji.

Ash scoffs. “That’s a surprise. Did Sing put you up to this?”

Yut-Lung tosses his hair. “Yes. But that doesn’t make it less sincere.”

Eiji is ... hesitant to accept this apology. With how easily Yut-Lung approached him on his very first day at this school, just because he and Ash were partnered for a project? It seems unlikely that Yut-Lung would be feeling any legitimate remorse about this.

Not to mention that he seems to be apologizing to Eiji, not Ash.

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to,” Eiji says pointedly.

“Fine. I’m ... sorry to both of you, then. I was—well.” He glances around, then steps closer to the two of them and lowers his voice. “I have a past of my own, and I saw someone with more of a target on his back than me. I thought that, if I couldn’t be happy after what I’d been through, you shouldn’t be allowed to, either. And that ... if the focus was on you, no one would care about what I’ve been through.” He looks away. “Sing is the only one who knows that my family was less than kind to me. I was afraid of anyone else finding out.”

“Sing still cares about you, though, right?” Eiji asks.

Yut-Lung bristles. “Of course! Sing would never—he’s much too good to—”

“Just like I care about Ash.”

Some guilt radiates from Ash, but Eiji ignores it and continues.

“Not everyone will think that your past defines you, Yut-Lung. If you really want to start over, I think that we could be ... well, I think that there’s a chance we could get along.”

Yut-Lung crosses his arms. “Sing said much the same. And I’m willing to try. With both of you. If you are.”

“Of course,” Eiji responds. Ash doesn’t say anything, and Eiji can feel his hesitance. Maybe even fear.

“Ash, I ...” Yut-Lung starts. He clears his throat. “I was worried. When you were gone.”

Ash doesn’t visibly react, but Eiji can feel his surprise.

“I thought you had been suspended again, but Sing told me that Shorter said you just disappeared on your own. So when Eiji confronted everyone, I felt ... bad.”

Eiji can tell that these words are hard to say for Yut-Lung. Ash remains outwardly impassive, but Eiji knows better.

It’s okay, he tells him, hoping that his own emotions are soothing. I won’t let him hurt you.

This time Ash looks down at his lunch. He already has. The whole fucking school knows I’m a whore because of him. Although I guess I can’t blame him for making sure everyone knows the truth. If you think about it, it’s really a public service. Everyone knows either to stay away, or where to go if they need a quick fuck.

Ash!

Sorry. Thinking to myself again.

Ash looks up at Yut-Lung. His expression looks almost bored. A near perfect mask, though Eiji has a feeling that he might be able to see through it even without the soulbond.

“We’re not friends,” Ash intones. “I don’t know you. We’re starting at zero, okay? So if you don’t want that to end up negative, don’t fuck this up.”

“O-of course not!” Yut-Lung bristles. “I know better than to—well, now, anyway—”

“Yut-Lung, it’s okay,” Eiji says.

It’s quiet for a moment. Yut-Lung shoots a glance over at Sing at the next table, who no doubt said something over their soulbond.

“Well—thank you, then,” Yut-Lung says. “I’ll ... do better.” He slinks away.

Once he’s out of earshot, Ash turns to Eiji. They’re in the habit of talking out loud in person, unless the topic is sensitive. It’s in part due to the fact that currently only Shorter and Ash’s family know that the two of them are soulmates.

“Yut-Lung is a sophomore,” Ash explains, “but Sing is a freshman. When I first—last year, he hadn’t met Sing in person yet. Shorter told me that he got a lot less insufferable after meeting the kid. I guess he feels less alone now.”

Eiji nods. “Everyone needs someone to love them, in some way. Even without a soulmate, Shorter has Sing and the others and you looking out for him.”

Eiji can feel Ash’s embarrassment, but he doesn’t deny it. After a moment, Ash just says, And I have you.

— — —

With the semester coming to a close in a few weeks, they’re coming up on the deadline for the history project. It doesn’t help that very little actually gets done during the time Ash and Eiji spend together, when they’re supposed to be working on the project.

Ash has assured Eiji that he’ll get the project done on time, even on his own, but Eiji wants to put in his fair share of the work. So they’re meeting again, at Eiji’s place, right after school. They don’t even have to wait until after Eiji’s track practice anymore.

The thought makes Eiji a bit sad. He suddenly feels Ash’s guilt, and realizes he must have heard him.

It wasn’t your fault, Eiji tries, but Ash doesn’t respond in words, and his guilt doesn’t ebb.

Ash rings the doorbell as Ibe is still packing up his camera. Since pretty early on in Ash and Eiji’s friendship, Ibe has intentionally tried to stay out of the apartment whenever Ash is coming over.

He has? Ash asks, alongside surprise and a new wave of guilt.

Whoops. Ash wasn’t supposed to know that. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable, Eiji explains as he goes to answer the door. “Come in,” he says, ushering Ash inside.

Ibe continues gathering his things. “Ah, Ash,” he says. “I was just on my way out.”

Eiji can feel Ash’s hesitance. “You ... don’t have to,” Ash says. “Not for my sake.”

Ibe puts his camera bag down and looks at Ash, who shifts under his gaze.

Ash, Eiji tries after a moment. Are you just trying to avoid inconveniencing anyone, even at your own expense?

No, I ... well. Ash clears his throat. “I trust Eiji. And Eiji trusts you.” Ash would know; he can feel as much over the soulbond. “And the fact that you would ... even consider ...” my comfort , Ash finishes mentally. “It just means a lot. So thank you, but please don’t worry.”

Smiling, Ibe nods. “Very well, then. Can I offer you some tea?”

There’s a spike of fear from Ash, but he doesn’t visibly react, and the fear fades quickly. Still, he shakes his head. “No, thank you. I appreciate the offer though.”

They head to Eiji’s room as usual. Eiji hesitates, then asks over the soulbond, in case Ash would rather Ibe not overhear.

Why were you afraid at the offer of tea? Are you okay?

I’m ... fine, Ash responds. Just ... back with Dino, the other kids were drugged. A lot. I was, too, until Dino pulled me out of Club Cod to live on his compound with him. The whole thing was designed so that the drugs would keep us compliant, and we’d all die within a few years. By the time we weren’t ... attractive to them anymore, we’d be dead anyway. And no one would live to tell the tale, so to speak.

Eiji feels a little sick. 

Sorry, Ash says. I just ... accepting food or drinks from people I don’t know well is hard.

No, don’t apologize! Eiji isn’t even sure if Ash is apologizing for not accepting Ibe’s offer, or for making Eiji feel this way. I don’t blame you at all, Ash.

... Thanks.

They work on the project for a little while before Eiji starts to get frustrated with the way Americans think about world history. Ash must sense his frustration, because he asks if they can take a break and just talk for a bit.

“Sure,” Eiji says, grateful. “That sounds good. Sometimes I feel so stupid doing this American schoolwork.”

“Maybe you’re just stupid,” Ash teases.

Eiji scrunches up his nose. “Well at least I’m stupid in more languages than you!”

Ash moves to sit next to Eiji, shoulder to shoulder. He bumps their shoulders together again, like he did so long ago now.

We’re soulmates, he says. He sounds awed. No wonder I felt so drawn to you.

It occurs to Eiji that Ash’s voice sounds a little different over the soulbond than it does in real life—that must be why he never recognized him as the voice that had been with him for years. It makes sense, when he thinks about it—his own voice in his thoughts sounds different than his voice on a recording, too.

Yeah, Ash agrees, startling Eiji. You sound a little different out loud too.

Eiji smiles. Soulmates ... he ponders. It does make a lot of sense, now.

They sit in a companionable silence for a few moments.

Do you not want to tell anyone? Eiji asks. Other than Shorter and your family, I mean.

Ash feels hesitant, and withdraws slightly into his own mind. I don’t want you to be a target, he says. I mean, you already are, spending time with me at all. But I don’t want to put you even more at risk. Yut-Lung might have apologized, but Arthur and his thugs won’t back down that easily, and there are still plenty of rumors floating around. You could get hurt.

It’s your decision, too, Ash, and I won’t reveal it to anyone without your permission. But know that I’d rather be hurt by your side than be safe without you. And I am not afraid for the world to know that.

Ash just shakes his head and says, I’m afraid for you.

When Ash goes to leave for the day, Ibe stays in the kitchen, keeping his distance. Ash thanks both of them before exiting.

Ibe and Eiji stand in silence for a few moments. Eventually, Ibe speaks.

“He’s grown.”

Eiji nods. “He’s ... getting better, I think.”

“You’re part of why, aren’t you?”

Hesitating, Eiji nods again. He’s not sure if Ibe is hinting at them being soulmates, or if he just means that Ash needed a friend. “He had trouble realizing that people care about him. But I want to make sure he always knows.”

It’s quiet again for a moment.

“Ibe-san?” Eiji asks.

Ibe hums a response.

“Thank you for helping me come to America. I’m glad I came here.” Even if just because I met Ash.

“We all thought you ... needed a change of pace. From your father’s illness and your mother’s infidelity. Your sister might be too young to really understand, but it was wearing you down, no?”

“It was,” Eiji admits. “And I feel like I belong here, somehow.” After all, he promised forever to his soulmate when he was 8 years old, before he even knew Ash. And now he finally has a chance to keep that promise.

Chapter Text

Ash spends history class with his eyes glued to Eiji, not listening to the teacher at all. Who knew that having a soulmate made it so easy to get away with talking in class? None of the hushed whispering or hiding a phone under the desk that Ash sees the other students getting in trouble for. Just Eiji telling him to be quiet because he’s trying to listen to the teacher.

Lighten up, Ash teases. I’ll teach you all of it later anyway if you really want me to.

Eiji’s mild frustration makes Ash smile at him, even though Eiji’s still looking to the front of the room. How do you even know all of this stuff without ever listening in class? Eiji demands. Ash doesn’t respond right away. Eiji must feel something from the bond, because he follows up with, Sorry, you don’t have to answer.

No, it’s fine, Ash assures. I ... when Dino pulled me out to live on the compound with him, it’s because he was raising me as the heir to his estates and his share of the Corsican Foundation. So he hired private tutors in each subject, to that end. Many of whom were fired for ... various reasons.

Memories of calculus lessons ending with hands roaming his body flood his mind. Of diction lessons where slipping into his accent meant lips on his, and wine tastings where more than alcohol was forced into his mouth. He shuts the thoughts down quickly, hoping that Eiji didn’t pick up on any of them.

Swallowing, he continues. So I’ve already learned most of this. That’s how I was able to test out of so many classes, too.

Eiji doesn’t respond for a moment, but Ash can feel his sadness. Eventually, he just reaches out toward Ash’s desk and softly brushes his hand against Ash’s, pulling back before the teacher can see. Eiji’s soulmark is on full display, and Ash is grateful that it’s his right hand that Eiji touches. He doesn’t want to see Eiji’s soulmark next to his scar.

I do, Eiji says suddenly. I want to put my hands in yours and make sure that you know you’ll never be hurt like that again. I want to talk about our scars—from the surgery scar on my ankle to the burn on your hand, and anything else you have to show me. I want to know you, Ash. Every part of you.

I’m only beautiful on the outside, Eiji.

I don’t care if you’re beautiful at all. You’re my Ash, and I ... Eiji’s thoughts stop abruptly for a moment. I care about you deeply, he finishes.

Ash thinks he knows what Eiji was going to say—can feel it, even—and it terrifies him. But what terrifies him more is that Eiji called him his, and it didn’t make his skin crawl. Just a couple months ago, he was struggling to believe that Eiji only wanted to be talking friends. But now Eiji can call Ash his, like he belongs to him, and Ash actually likes the idea of it.

I’m glad you like it, but you don’t belong to me, Eiji says. You are my Ash in that you are my soulmate, my light.

Ash feels his face heat up. Shouldn’t you be busy paying attention in class, nerd?

Eiji glances his way, smirking. I’ll just have you teach it to me later, right?

And as much as Ash wants to have a witty comeback, he can’t bring himself to even say no to Eiji right now.

— — —

Sometimes, Ash could swear that his heart beats in time with Eiji’s. Maybe it’s just the soulbond—a connection Ash never thought he would have with anyone. But most people in the world have a soulmate, and what Ash and Eiji have feels ... different. That, or Ash can’t possibly imagine how everyone goes about their daily life when they have someone there for them like this.

Michael is playing in the living room when Ash gets home from school, so Ash tries to slip into his bedroom unnoticed. Unfortunately, the front door opens into the living room, so it doesn’t go quite as planned.

“Ash!” Michael yells.

“Hey, kiddo,” Ash greets softly. He’s not sure if Michael—and Max and Jessica—have noticed that Ash has avoided the family in the entire time he’s been here. Maybe that’s why the kid clings to him so much in the chances he has. Ash hopes that he just thinks Ash is busy and not that he’s actively trying to stay away from them all.

Michael charges up to Ash and wraps his arms around his legs. “You’re home!” Michael sings. “Can you play with me?”

Ash is about to make an excuse, heart heavy in his chest, when Eiji speaks over their bond.

What’s wrong? he asks.

Ash is surprised that Eiji picked up on anything at all. Nothing, he tries. Just got home from school.

From that and Ash’s thoughts alone, Eiji seems to understand, despite barely spending time at Max and Jessica’s house. You should spend time with your family, he says.

And even though Ash knows what he means, he can’t stop himself from thinking, Griffin is dead and my dad has never cared.

Your real family, Ash, not your birth family.

Ash nearly scoffs. This family doesn’t want me either.

“Ash?” Michael asks. “Are you too busy to play again?”

And something about that again, something about the way he says it and the way he looks up at Ash ...

They love you, Eiji promises. Ash feels him hesitate, but he doesn’t say anything else.

“I’ll play,” Ash says. “For a bit.”

But a bit turns into half an hour, and after they play superheroes they play tag, and then they play with trucks, and then dolls, and suddenly it’s been two hours and Max is calling the two of them for dinner, and Ash is almost, maybe, sort of happy to be here.

“Thank you,” Ash softly says to Michael.

Michael is grinning, maybe happier than Ash has ever seen him. “Why?” he asks.

And instead of answering, Ash just picks him up and hugs him, spinning him around. Listens to Michael’s gleeful laughter and tries not to think about the fact that if someone had tried to do this to Ash at that age, he would have cried. “Thank you,” he whispers again, too quiet to be heard.

He carries Michael to the kitchen before putting him down, feeling the familiar ache in his stomach that always comes up at the smell of food.

Ash feels Eiji’s sudden alarm. Ash! You’ve never told me that!

He shuts down the thought process as quickly as he can. Told you what?

I knew you were not eating at school, but I didn’t realize that—

It’s fine, Eiji, Ash says. He thinks about the scale hidden in the upstairs bathroom that he stole from Wal-Mart months ago, slipping it into his backpack and walking out of the store. The things you can get away with when you’re a pretty white boy. Ash thinks about checking his weight twice a day. He tries to quiet the thought process so Eiji doesn’t notice, but he can’t keep the stream of numbers out of his mind, the mental graph of weight loss and gain.

Ash ... Eiji whispers.

Sorry, Ash says, this time thinking about how at least he eats every day now, even a little, versus when Dino would make him go days without food if his stomach pushed out over his waistband. Remembers trying to seduce the staff at the manor into giving him food, remembers it sometimes working and how he would wonder if it was worth it, remembers—

Ash, Eiji says again. It’s all over now. Please don’t do this to yourself.

“Are you okay?” Max asks. “You’ve been just standing there for a bit.”

Ash nods. “Yeah,” he breathes. “I’m fine.”

And when he serves himself food, he puts a little more on his plate than usual, and tries to eat all of it. He doesn’t quite succeed, his stomach churning at the sudden increase in Calories. He feels a little sick.

It’s okay, Eiji says. Thank you for trying. It’ll get easier. I promise.

Ash can feel that he’s ... proud? He’s proud ... of Ash. Wow.

Of course I am proud of you!

And now that Ash looks around the table, he can see Max and Jessica both eyeing his plate, smiling. They don’t comment on how much Ash is eating, which he’s grateful for. He already feels a little ashamed knowing that they noticed. After all, it’s their food that he’s eating. But something about their smiles, and the feelings still coming from Eiji makes it feel okay.

— — —

It’s a few days after Ash’s ... well, he won’t call it a suicide attempt, but it’s a few days after that, when Jessica and Max confront him about it, while Michael is with Jessica’s sister.

“Why are we having this conversation now?” Ash asks, feeling defensive. “It’s been days and I’m still here.” I haven’t offed myself yet.

Max and Jessica glance at each other.

“We wanted to give you some time,” Max says. “We didn’t think it was the best idea to try to have this conversation with you while you were still coming down from ... that.” They don't want to say it either, apparently.

They’re sitting in the living room, Max and Jessica on the couch and Ash in the recliner to the side. He can feel himself withdrawing, pulling his knees up onto the recliner and slouching his back. Making himself smaller.

“Sorry,” he offers.

“We don’t blame you, Ash,” Jessica says. “We just want you to be safe.”

“Why?” Ash asks, and it sounds like more of a challenge than he means it to. He tries again. “Why do you care?” At least his voice is softer this time, even if his words are harsher.

“Because we care about you, Ash.”

Ash shakes his head. They shouldn’t.

“Why do you think we took you in?” Max asks softly.

“Not because you cared about me. You didn’t even know me then.” Ash hesitates. “You took me in because you heard that your soulmate’s little brother lived as a whore for years and you felt bad. You felt responsible, like you had to take me in because you owed it to him.” He feels his voice steadily rising. “But he’s dead, Max, and I’m not him! You two have your real son to worry about. You don’t owe me a fucking thing.”

“Language, Ash,” Jessica admonishes.

Ash feels his hands start to shake, and grips his knees tightly to steady them, digging his nails in through the denim. “I don’t give a shit. What are you gonna do? Send me back into the foster system? You just gonna hope I don’t get landed with another—fucking—” Ash can’t even bring himself to say any of the words that come to mind. “With someone else who wants to fuck me or sell me? Or will you kick me out, back onto the streets? Maybe that’d be easier. At least when I’m turning tricks out there, I get to choose my own clients, until someone doesn’t take no for an answer and—and ... does it anyway.”

Are you okay? Eiji asks. Ash ignores him.

Neither Jessica nor Max say anything for a moment, just looking at him with sadness. With pity. And that’s the last fucking thing Ash wants. He curls in on himself even more, trying not to meet their gaze.

“We’re not going to kick you out, Ash,” Max says. His voice is soft, but Ash knows that it’s just because he pities him so goddamn much. “But we will consider grounding you if this behavior continues.”

Ash lets out a bitter laugh. “That’s all you ever do,” he says. “You don’t know how to actually punish someone. Why don’t you fuck me until I can’t walk? Beat me until I can’t stand? Tie me to a bed for days without food or water until I’ve lost the will to even fucking beg? I’m not Michael. You can’t just take my phone or games away and expect that to work.”

Eiji reaches out again. Ash?

Ash refuses to block their bond ever again, but he’s not going to talk to Eiji right now, either.

He finally looks up. Max’s eyes are pointed downward, a disgusted look on his face. Of course. Anyone would be disgusted with Ash. Jessica, on the other hand, is looking away, out the window into the snowed-over garden in the backyard. Her face is pale.

Ash feels a pang of guilt. That might not have been the easiest thing for her to hear, even if her assault was over a year ago now.

“Sorry,” he breathes, not sure if it’s loud enough to reach them or not.

“Those aren’t ... punishments, Ash,” Max says. “That’s abuse. And we’re not going to hurt you here.”

Ash bites his lip, hard. ‘Abuse’ is the only thing that’ll get through to him, he knows.

Jessica clears her throat. “But you are grounded for a week,” she adds. “Straight home after school. You can keep your phone when you’re out of the house for emergencies, but it stays in the kitchen once you get home. Laptop for homework only, and only in the living room.”

“Fine. Anything else? Any fine print I should know about?” Like how you’ll ‘abuse’ me or kick me out if I break these rules?

Jessica looks down, and Max sighs.

“We also think you should go back to therapy.”

Ash buries his head in his knees, wrapping his arms around his legs now. He feels his voice rise even more. “Right, because that went so well last time.” The therapist gave up on him. Tried to refer him to someone who specializes in PTSD, but he never showed up for the second appointment. “Absolutely not. You want me to spend an hour locked in a room alone with a stranger? Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go well. We all know I’ll just seduce them.”

“We won’t force you to go. We would make sure you’re with a woman, though.”

But Ash has been ... hurt by women too. Not that that’s common knowledge. After all, he wanted it even more if it was a woman.

“I’m not going,” Ash says, resolute. “Is that it?”

“That’s it, kiddo.” Max pauses. “Well, one last thing. You can come to us if you need anything, okay? We’re here for you. We want you to think of us as your parents.”

But the only parent Ash has ever known threw him to the wolves when he was 7 years old.

Please talk to me, Eiji says, but instead Ash just tries to tone his emotions down so Eiji doesn’t worry.

— — —

Ash and Shorter skip their last period class together, since Ash has to go straight home after school. Max will get a call from the office, of course, and Ash will probably get in trouble—but again, what are they gonna do? At least this way he’ll still be home on time. That’s something, right?

“Hey,” Shorter says, toward the end of the school day while they’re out under the bleachers. It’s cold, but they’re both wearing coats. “I wanted to apologize.”

“What for?” Ash shoves his hands into his pockets to protect them from the cold.

“I ...” Shorter runs a hand through his mohawk, not spiked up today. “Eiji kinda called me out on some shit, and he was right. I haven’t always been the best friend to you. I care about you a lot, man, but I let you handle shit on your own and don’t reach out when I should.”

Ash looks away, out toward the track field. He’ll never see Eiji run out there. He still hasn’t spoken with him, but they have history class together tomorrow, if Ash shows up.

“You’re fine,” he says. “You do plenty for me. More than I could ever ask.”

The end bell rings, but they linger a little longer.

Shorter shakes his head. “No. Just because everyone else treats you like shit doesn’t mean that me treating you neutrally is a good thing.”

Ash blinks, genuinely confused. “You’re far too good to me, actually.” You give me so much more than I deserve.

“Listen to me. What I’m saying is that I’m going to be there for you from now on.” He shifts his weight, a little awkward. “You’re my best friend, believe it or not, and I need to be better for you.”

“Uh ...” Ash can tell this is an argument he’s not going to win, so he’s just going to have to make sure he never accidentally asks Shorter for anything or worries him. “Okay. Thank you, Shorter.”

“No problem, man. I’m sorry it took this long for me to realize.”

Ash suddenly feels immense panic, and it takes a second for him to realize that it’s Eiji’s.

Eiji? he asks, feeling his own fear add to Eiji’s.

Eiji doesn’t respond in words, just more emotion.

“I have to go,” Ash says to Shorter.

“Right, you’re grounded and all. Sorry.”

“Uh, yeah. See you later,” Ash says, already taking off in a random direction.

Eiji! Where are you?

He won’t let me go! Eiji says. I’m sorry, Ash.

Tell me where you are. I’ll be there as soon as I can!

... By the south entrance to the school. Arthur’s here, and three of his underlings with him. I’m sorry.

Fuck. That’s clear on the other side of campus, across the track field and around the building. Don’t apologize. Just give me five minutes.

Chapter Text

As Arthur presses Eiji up against the wall, Eiji’s mind goes back to seeing Ash in a similar position back at his track meet. To how worried he was for Ash, and how he felt Ash’s panic. Is Ash feeling the same now? Probably even more so, now that the soulbond is fully open. Eiji feels awful for worrying him—especially since he knows Ash has been going through his own issues, and seems to want to do so without Eiji’s help.

Arthur knocks Eiji’s crutches away from him, and Eiji only stays standing because of Arthur’s arm on his chest.

He tries to keep his weight off of the cast on his ankle, but it’s weighing him down and he can’t keep it in the air.

“What did I do to you?” Eiji asks, trying to keep his voice from wavering.

“Why do you spend so much time with the slut?” Arthur asks.

Eiji feels anger flare up inside him alongside the fear, and knows that Ash will feel it too. He tries not to focus too hard on Arthur’s words, hoping to spare Ash from listening in on the conversation even if he’s paying attention. He regrets telling Ash where he is now—he didn’t realize that Arthur was only targeting him to get to Ash.

Don’t regret asking me for help, Ash says. I’ll be right there.

Eiji mentally scolds himself. He doesn’t grace Arthur with a response.

Arthur smirks. “Isn’t your soulmate back in China jealous that you’re dicking down someone else?”

And wow, there is so much wrong with that sentence. But Eiji can’t let him know any of that. This is exactly what Ash didn’t want—for Eiji to be a target. If Ash finds out ...

I already know! Ash yells. I’m on my way, Eiji, hang on.

I’m okay, Eiji assures. I’m okay.

Arthur must have noticed that Eiji was distracted. “What, are you telling your soulmate how scary America is? Or are you apologizing for renting out a whore while you’re abroad?”

Suddenly Eiji realizes—Arthur knows he’s talking to his soulmate. If Ash appears out of nowhere, somehow knowing exactly where they are without Eiji ever touching his phone ...

Ash, don’t come! Eiji says. He’ll realize that—

I don’t care! Ash yells. It’s too late anyway. He already knows I care about you. I can’t keep letting you get hurt because of me.

“Ash will suffer, watching you in pain. Knowing it’s his fault. That if he had just known his place, just remembered that he’s nothing more than a dumb slut, you would have completed the semester with nothing worse than a broken ankle.”

Don’t think about the words! Don’t think about it, don’t think about it! Don’t let Ash hear—

Don’t let me hear what? Ash demands.

Arthur’s arm moves up Eiji’s chest until it’s against his neck. He presses down, and immediately Eiji can’t breathe. He can’t let Ash know that, either, though. He needs to—not be here, mentally.

Time seems to slow down. He tries to stay in his own head, away from everything that’s happening to him.

Arthur presses his arm upward, nearly lifting Eiji off of his one good foot. He kicks Eiji’s cast, but whatever sound Eiji would have made comes out strangled instead.

Don’t think about it, he tells himself again.

Eiji’s not quite sure how long he goes without breathing. None of it seems real.

“Eiji!” Ash yells, and it’s in Eiji’s head but it’s out loud, too. “Let him go! ”

Ash tears past the lackeys surrounding them, and his fist collides squarely with Arthur’s jaw.

Eiji’s world goes from zero to 60 in a heartbeat.

Arthur releases him, but as a result, Eiji collapses to the ground. He catches himself on his hands—landing more gracefully than he did last time he pole vaulted, he thinks bitterly—and manages to avoid landing too heavily on his cast. It still hurts though, and he’s gasping for breath.

He wants to get up, to help Ash, but his vision is swimming. It should be easier to breathe now, but he still can’t catch his breath. Arthur’s thugs seem to have forgotten about him, at least for now, all too busy trying to keep Ash from tearing Arthur apart.

Arthur’s face is a bloody mess. Ash must have broken his nose. In spite of this, Arthur laughs.

“You’re soulmates, aren’t you? You and the little Samurai Boy?”

Eiji can’t think of a word other than snarl to describe the sound Ash makes.

“You lucky slut! You have a soulmate after all. How does it feel, knowing you’re ruining his life too? Just by being matched with him?”

Ash is somehow managing to fight off all three of Arthur’s lackeys while still focusing the brunt of his attack on Arthur himself. But Eiji knows that that can only last for so long. He reaches for his crutches, but what can he hope to do? With a broken ankle and no fighting experience?

Stay down, Ash tells him. They might not notice you.

It’s at that moment that Shorter Wong appears, tailed by Blanca and Charlie.

— — —

Just like last time, Eiji gets off without a single disciplinary mark. He doesn’t want Ash to take the blame again, but he can’t think of a convincing way to explain that a boy on crutches was somehow the instigator in all this.

Shorter is waiting on a bench outside the principal’s office when Eiji exits.

“How did you know we needed help?” Eiji asks.

Shorter shrugs. “Ash was acting weird. Took off in a hurry. I figured it had something to do with you, but I followed him to be sure. Thought about joining in the fun myself, but I’m at risk of expulsion if I keep getting in trouble. I can’t do that to Nadia.”

Eiji tilts his head. “Why hasn’t Ash been expelled? Will he be?”

“Nah, I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s smart, first of all, and the school likes that. And they also probably give him some leeway because of—well, whatever he was involved in before he transferred. He’s never told me, but I know he didn’t exactly transfer from another high school.”

Eiji nods. He sits on the bench next to Shorter, propping his crutches up next to him. “Who’s Nadia?”

Sighing, Shorter rubs at the back of his neck. “My big sis. She ... basically raised me, though. Our parents died when I was pretty little. I’m a troublemaker, I’ll admit, but I don’t want to do anything that would make things too hard on her, you know? She doesn’t deserve that shit.”

Eiji thinks about his parents. His father’s worsening health, his mother’s desperation to find intimacy however she can. His sister—the sister that he left to fend for herself in that situation. Is he making things hard on them? They don’t deserve hardship, either. Is he abandoning them by choosing to leave the country, to come to America for some abstract idea of finding himself ?

But he thinks about Ash, then, and realizes that he was meant to be here, one way or another. With his soulmate. In fact, he can’t really imagine himself leaving here, unless Ash somehow came with him.

“Shorter, do you ...” Eiji starts. “Do you feel like you have a purpose in life?” It’s a hard question, Eiji knows, and probably even more so for someone without a soulmate.

Shorter grins, toothy and carefree. “Honestly? No. But that doesn’t bother me. I don’t think I need a purpose to enjoy life.”

“... I thought that pole vaulting was my purpose. What I was born to do. So now ... I feel lost. I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore.”

“Well, I might not have some grand purpose, but I have plenty to live for. Wouldn’t you say the same?”

And—oh. Maybe he does. And maybe that’s enough.

“Yeah. Thank you, Shorter. For coming to get us out of that situation, too.”

“No prob. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Yeah. I guess it is.”

— — —

Eiji finds Blanca after that. The female gym teacher was Eiji’s track coach, so he doesn’t know Blanca as well. But he’s vaguely familiar with him, and knows that he owes him thanks.

He heads into the locker room, and then into Blanca’s office. Blanca looks up and folds his hands together on top of his desk.

“What can I help you with, Mr. Okumura?”

“I want to thank you. For what you’ve done for us.”

Blanca raises an eyebrow. “For stopping a fight and sending all of you to the principal’s office? Not normally something a student would thank me for.”

“Well, I am. For making sure Ash didn’t get hurt. And ... before that too. For ... making sure Ash didn’t get hurt.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” Blanca says, but his mouth upturns at the corners. There’s a pause before he continues. “How is he?”

“Ash? He’s ... better, I think. Than he was. Maybe not great, but better. And that’s enough for right now.”

Blanca nods. “You two are soulmates, aren’t you?”

Eiji stiffens. “What makes you think that?”

Smirking, Blanca holds a placating hand out. “You aren’t exactly subtle. Well, soulmates or not, it’s clear you care about each other deeply. When he’s with you, he’s almost unrecognizable from last year. He’s never been so expressive before. So happy.”

Eiji feels his face heat up. “Thanks for your concern,” he says shortly. “I should ... get going. Thank you for your time.”

“Of course. Any time.” Blanca turns back to his papers.

Eiji hesitates. “One more thing.”

Blanca hums without looking up.

“Do you know about Ash’s past?”

There’s a pause, but Blanca keeps his eyes on his desk. His voice is as kind and calm as ever when he speaks. “I’m afraid it’s not my place to say. But I was one of the instructors who helped set up his transfer into this school, yes.”

“... Okay. Thank you.”

— — —

Ash miraculously doesn’t even get suspended this time, and gets off with just detention. Shorter sits with him and Eiji at lunch the next day. Before long, Yut-Lung comes up to them.

“What’s up, snake?” Shorter asks. Ash smirks, but Eiji shoots him a glare.

“Hi, Yue!” Eiji says brightly, ignoring the other two.

Yut-Lung blinks. “Yue?” he asks.

“Is that okay?”

“Yes, that’s fine. I, uh—” Flipping his hair, he clears his throat. “I wanted to invite you to a party I’ll be throwing this weekend. All three of you.”

“Siiing!” Shorter calls. “Why’d you make him invite us?”

“I didn’t tell him to!” Sing yells from the next table. “He asked me if he should, and I said yes. That’s it!”

“Sure, sure,” Shorter says, smirking. “What’s the catch?”

Yue bristles. “There’s no catch. I just ... want to have people there whom I actually ... know, and ... well. Besides just Sing, I mean. Everyone will come, of course, since I live in a mansion.”

“Arrogant bastard,” Ash mutters.

You said you’d start over with him, Eiji chastises.

Sorry, sorry.

“But I don’t ... know anyone,” Yut-Lung continues. “And I thought, maybe, you three being there would ... make it better.”

“We’ll come!” Eiji chirps. “Right, guys?” He elbows Ash in the seat next to him.

Shorter laughs. “Sure, I’ll be there. Why not?”

“Can’t,” Ash intones. “Grounded. Like, times a million. I was already grounded before the fight yesterday. So now? Not a chance.”

“You should try asking your parents anyway,” Eiji says.

“Guardians,” Ash corrects.

Eiji elbows him again. “Come on, have you ever been to a party before?”

There’s a spike of sadness and fear over the soulbond, and Eiji feels a pang of regret. Outwardly, though, Ash just says, “Nope. And I don’t plan to.”

“Well I’ve never been to one in America, and I want my friends there with me. Just ask them!” Over the soulbond, Eiji continues. They might be happy to see you breaking out of your shell.

I don’t have a shell, Ash says, alongside a feeling of indignation.

Eiji can’t help but smile. Just try. For me?

Hmph. But Ash relents. Fine. I’ll ask. A pause, then: Anything for you.

Chapter Text

Ash debates between asking Max or Jessica about the party. He thinks about who’s more likely to say yes—and if he really wants them to say yes. In the end, he decides on Max, and quietly slips into the living room while Jessica is out of the house.

“So, uh ...” he starts. “I was invited to a party this weekend.”

Max raises an eyebrow and mutes the TV. Ash winces. Bad start. It’s just Max, he tells himself. He won’t hurt you. Probably. He takes a step back anyway.

“Really, kid? You were already grounded, skipped class, got into a fight after school when you were supposed to head straight home, broke a kid’s nose, got detention, and now you want to go to a party this weekend?”

Not really, Ash thinks. He shrugs. “Figured it was worth a shot.”

Max sighs. “Why’d you attack someone, Ash? You’ve gotten into fights before, but you’ve never hurt someone before. Not like that.”

Ash hesitates. “He was choking Eiji when I got there. He probably wasn’t going to kill him, but ...”

“Your soulmate?”

Ash nods. He knows Max is imagining Griff in that situation. “I told the principal that, but it was my word against the four of them. They all said I started it. But if I get another suspension they’re supposed to expel me, so I guess they went with detention instead.”

Of course, Max has no reason to believe him, either. And with Dino, if Ash fought back it was his own fault. No matter what. No matter what they ... were doing to him, or who it was. As far as Ash knows, this might be the last straw for Max. He’s already in trouble, and now he dares to fucking ask for something? Dino would be furious. Dino would—Dino would ...

“I’m sorry,” Ash mumbles. “I know you don’t want a problem kid like me. I shouldn’t fucking be here. You have your own kid to focus on. I should just—” Leave. Die. Anything to stop fucking up other people’s lives.

Sighing again, Max shakes his head. “You’re our kid too, Ash. I know you don’t see it that way yet, but I hope one day you will.” He pauses. “You don’t want to go to the party, do you?” His voice is far more knowing than Ash would like.

“Not really,” Ash admits. “I’ve never ... I mean, parties I’ve been to in the past were ...” Ash was the main attraction. “Not like this.”

“You should go.”

“I should—what?”

“You should go to the party. I think it could be good for you. Just stay safe, okay?”

“Uh ... sure. I will.”

Fuck. Well now he doesn’t have an excuse not to go.

— — —

The energy radiating from the mansion makes Ash nervous before he even steps onto the grounds. He feels like he can smell the alcohol, even from this distance.

And the sex.

He’s tempted to turn around and pretend he was never here.

You’re here? Eiji asks.

Shit. Yeah, just got here, Ash says, wincing a little.

You’re upset, Eiji observes.

Not upset, he says, though he knows there’s no use lying to Eiji. Just ... nervous? Drugs and sex and mansions all make him nervous.

I will come get you.

Don’t, Ash responds. I’ll come to you. You’re still on crutches.

I will come get you, Eiji just repeats.

A minute later, Eiji appears in the front entrance. He crosses the grounds to where Ash stands. “Hey,” he says. “You okay?”

Ash nods. “I’ll be fine. I’m just ... not used to this, I guess.” Not used to any of this being a good thing.

Eiji laughs, but it’s the tiniest bit sad. “It’s a little different for me, too. I was practically hanging off of Shorter and Yue. Let’s head in together?”

Nodding again, Ash considers touching Eiji’s arm for comfort, but decides against it.

You can if you want, Eiji says, and Ash winces again. But you don’t have to.

But Ash thinks about all the people, and how they’ll already react to Eiji hanging near the Lynx at a party. He can’t let people see them touching, too.

Let’s just go, he says, taking a step forward.

The noise is overwhelming. It seems like there’s a sound system installed through the entire place, and it’s all synced up to play the same music, bass practically shaking the floor. Ash thinks it feels more like a dance club than a party, before realizing that he doesn’t know what either of those are really supposed to look like.

There’s a surprising amount of people, considering that Yut-Lung is the one hosting. He’d said that everyone would come, of course, but somehow Ash thought that the rest of the school would want to avoid Yut-Lung as much as he does.

Some people are dancing—Ash only knows ballroom—but there are other groups scattered around too. Some people playing spin the bottle—the thought of kissing someone he doesn’t know, especially in front of so many people, makes Ash feel a little sick. Others are playing truth or dare—Ash can only imagine the kinds of questions the murderer would get asked, or the things the slut would be told to do.

And some people are just talking and drinking, which would seem like the best option, if not for the drinking part.

“Eijiii,” someone whines. Yut-Lung, Ash recognizes the voice. He spins to face him. “You left me all alone!”

Sighing, Eiji shakes his head. “I left you with Shorter! Where’d he go?”

Yut-Lung tsks. “He left with some girl ages ago.”

“I was gone for under five minutes, Yue.”

“Are you drunk?” Ash blurts.

Yut-Lung raises an eyebrow. “Of course. Why else would you be at a party?”

And honestly, it’s not like Ash would know. He was always drugged at parties, but—

Not that kind of party, he reminds himself.

Eiji blinks up at him, but Ash just looks away.

“Well,” Yut-Lung says in distaste. “If you two lovebirds are just going to make googly eyes at each other all night, I’m going to go find Sing.”

Ash takes a step away from Eiji, almost subconsciously. Eiji, on the other hand, laughs. “Have fun!” he calls.

Ash runs a hand through his hair, blowing out a long breath.

Are you okay? Eiji asks.

Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.

Eiji looks skeptical. We do not have to stay if you’re uncomfortable, Ash. We can always go somewhere else.

I’m fine, Ash says again. We can stay. At least for a little while. Thank you, though.

“What do you want to do?” Eiji asks.

Ash has no idea. What is he supposed to do here? Drink, according to Yut-Lung. Maybe he could get an empty cup and pretend he already drank?

He’s getting a little anxious. This isn’t a situation he has a script for. He knows how to be a good little slut, the perfect whore. He’s learning to be a decent student, to get the answers right and stay away from everyone who might hurt him—so, everyone. He knows how to take up as little space as possible at Max and Jessica’s house, to cost them as little money as possible and tear their family apart the least amount he can, taking 5 minute lukewarm showers to save on hot water and starving himself for more reasons than one. But a high school house party? No clue.

Maybe he should just go find someone here who wants to fuck him and let them have their way. That’d probably be the easiest option. Might even be able to make a few bucks off of it. It’d be funny to sell himself for $10 like the cheap whore he is instead of the thousands Dino charged his clients.

Eiji glares at him. If you keep thinking like that, I will hold you and never let you go.

Ash almost laughs. Honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad.

They end up sitting near the truth or dare group, but far enough away to not be included.

“I’ll be right back,” Eiji says, standing up again and situating himself on his crutches. “I’m just going to grab a drink.”

Ash blanches. “You’re gonna be drinking?”

Eiji pauses. “Would you rather I not?”

Yes, he thinks before he can help it. “No, it’s fine. It’s totally up to you if you want to.” His voice is perfectly composed, but it’s not like that matters much when it’s Eiji.

Tilting his head, Eiji sits back down. He leans his crutches against the couch. “I will not if it makes you uncomfortable, Ash.”

And, of course, Arthur appears out of fucking nowhere. His nose is still crooked, at least, so that gives Ash some consolation. “What’s wrong, whore?” he sneers. “Don’t want your soulmate to have any fun? Controlling, controlling.”

Damn. Ash really wishes they had been talking over the soulbond. And people from the truth or dare group are turning to look at them now.

“He’s not my soulmate,” Ash says through gritted teeth. He feels a pang of sadness from Eiji. He feels bad, but it’s for Eiji’s own safety. “Who invited you, anyway?” he asks, as though he’s not the outcast here. As though he’s not the one who’s unwanted.

But of course Arthur picks up on that right away. “Oh, like anyone here wants you as anything more than a fucktoy.”

Ash flinches. He’s hurt, but he’s also embarrassed. He didn’t even realize that was an emotion he could feel anymore. Not after everything he’s done. Is it because Eiji’s listening?

Anger at Arthur flares up in Eiji, and he shifts as though to stand. Ash quickly pleads, Stay out of it. Eiji’s about to respond, but Ash just adds, Please, throwing all of his concern for Eiji into that one word.

“Or was that your plan?” Arthur continues. “Gonna go find yourself a cock to jump on?”

Which wouldn’t hurt nearly as much if Ash hadn’t actually been considering that exact thing. But that’s Ash’s own fault, for being exactly what everyone says he is.

Arthur just keeps at it. “If you’re so insistent this kid isn’t your soulmate, maybe he’s your latest trick?”

“That’s enough,” Ash growls. He already hates himself for getting Eiji hurt last week. He’s not going to let Arthur keep dragging him into this. Eiji is much too good to even be forced to be with Ash, like he is by the soulbond. He would never be with Ash by choice, even just for sex.

“Ash!” Eiji yells, stomping his good foot. “I do choose to be with you. It is not by force. I will not put up with you thinking this way.”

Well, that basically announced to everyone present that they really are soulmates.

“I don’t care!” Eiji says. “I don’t care if you’re ashamed of me or trying to protect me or whatever else. I am not ashamed and I don’t want to hide.” I’m sorry, he adds. I didn’t mean to tell everyone. But what I say is true. Eiji picks up his crutches and goes to stand. “I’m sorry. I’m going to get a drink."

“W-wait!” Ash calls, reaching for him. He stops himself before actually grabbing onto Eiji’s shirt, and pulls back. It’s fine. It’s fine. A drink isn’t going to hurt him.

“What, upset that you can’t dictate your soulmate’s every little move? Want to be the one in control for once?” Arthur smirks, then leans in close to Ash, so he can almost feel his breath on his skin. Ash can’t stop himself from recoiling. It’s all just too much. “Or is there something else you don’t want to lose control of? Some other reason you don’t like alcohol?” His voice lowers to a vicious whisper. “I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

Ash’s blood turns to ice water in his veins.

Well fuck.

— — —

It takes a couple weeks for anything to come of Arthur’s threat, and Ash is on edge the entire time. Hardly eats or drinks anything, even if it’s from Jessica. Eiji tries to calm him down, assuring him that nothing will happen, but Ash knows better. Arthur wasn’t afraid to choke out Ash’s soulmate. He wouldn’t hesitate to somehow try to get Ash drunk, or even to drug him. Ash doesn’t know how it’s going to happen, but he knows that Arthur is going to try.

But by the last day before winter break, Ash is starting to wonder if it really was just an empty threat after all. There’s not a lot Arthur could do to target Ash over break, which means that even if he is still scheming something, Ash can let his guard down for now.

After their fight, if it could even be called that, Ash and Eiji recovered within a few days. It’s hard to stay mad at someone when you can feel all their emotions, including their remorse at the fight itself.

Eiji’s already in the lunch room while Ash walks there with Shorter and Yut-Lung.

Ash, Eiji whines. Hurry up. I miss you!

Sorry. We were ditching, Ash admits. We’re heading back to campus now.

I will come to you! Eiji decides.

Ash can feel his excitement. He hesitates, also eager to see Eiji, but shoots him down after a minute. Nah, he says. Stay there. It’ll take us about half an hour to get there, and I want you to have time to eat your lunch.

Not that you ever eat yours. You’ll miss the whole lunch period, Eiji responds, bitter. Sorry, he adds, but Ash can’t really blame him. I was already out of the lunch room too. Hurry up!

Ash nearly laughs, but continues chatting with Shorter and Yut-Lung—mostly Shorter, if he’s being honest. It’s still hard for him to let down his guard around Yut-Lung.

When they make it to the cafeteria in the promised 30 minutes, Eiji is ... asleep? Asleep in his usual spot, slumped back against the chair.

Ash immediately knows what happened, and he panics. He didn’t expect Arthur to target Eiji.  

“Call an ambulance,” he mutters to Shorter. Then, louder, as he’s already running toward Eiji, “Get Charlie or someone, please!”

“What? What happened?” Shorter asks, confused but pulling out his phone anyway. Yut-Lung, on the other hand, runs with Ash to Eiji’s side.

“He was drugged,” Ash says. He tries his best to check Eiji’s vitals. “He’s barely breathing. I should have been more careful. I should have fucking known. This is all my goddamn fault!”

“Damn it,” Yut-Lung hisses. “I have some knowledge of drugs, but it’s too hard to tell with him already passed out. If I had seen how it affected him from the start ... But all we can do now is wait for the paramedics.”

Ash turns to him, eyes wide. “So if you saw it affect someone, would you know what it was? Would you be able to save him, or at least tell the medics?”

Yut-Lung blinks. “I mean, probably, but—”

“This is your chance to redeem yourself.” Ash reaches for Eiji’s thermos of tea.

“What? What are you—wait, Ash, no!”

He chugs it in one go.

Chapter Text

Eiji wakes in the hospital, but he doesn’t really understand what happened. Ibe explains most of it, or at least what he knows, but it takes a while for everything to sink in.

He’s hooked up to an IV drip and has a nasal cannula delivering oxygen. They make him talk to hospital staff to explain that he didn’t take any drugs voluntarily, but that he was only unconscious for a few minutes and in a public place the whole time. They ask if he wants to talk to the police, but he says no.

He’s able to have visitors pretty shortly after regaining consciousness.

Ash, however, is still unconscious. And there’s no response at all over the soulbond, instead of the usual soft emotion Ash has in his sleep, or the more severe emotions when he’s having a nightmare.

Apparently Shorter called the school’s front office first, and Charlie came to see what was happening, and Yue tried to explain, all before emergency services were called. By the time they arrived, the drug had already hit Ash’s bloodstream. Hard.

Ash ingested a lot more than Eiji did.

Yut-Lung comes to visit him, and Eiji asks Ibe to leave. Eiji’s crutches are out of reach, but the hospital staff told him to stay in the bed for now anyway. Apparently he might need to stay for several days to fully detox from the drug. At least it’s officially winter break now that the school day is over.

“Eiji!” Yue yells, rushing up to him. For a moment, Eiji thinks he’s going to hug him, but at the last moment he steps back instead. He sits in the visitor chair. “How do you feel?”

“Awful,” Eiji admits. He’s dizzy still, and kind of just wants to go back to sleep.

“I can’t believe—I overheard from the nurses, and the dosage they used was ridiculous—and mixing benzodiazepines like that, they could have killed you—”

“Then, Ash—?” Eiji asks, feeling his heart twist.

Yue shakes his head. “He’ll be fine, probably. He ingested more than you, but they got to him sooner.”

“Why did he ... ?” Eiji starts.

Rolling his eyes, Yue looks almost angry. “I tried to stop him. He thought that ... well, I’m somewhat familiar with medicine, and he thought that if I saw the drug affect someone, I’d be able to identify it and tell the paramedics, since we didn’t know what it was you’d taken. He was right, of course, but he was still stupid about it.”

“That idiot ...” Eiji mutters. Ash really could have gotten himself killed over this. If the emergency services had been a little bit later ...

“Do you know who did this to you? Can we tell the police?”

Biting his lip, Eiji shakes his head. “I don’t know. I mean, I could guess, but I don’t have any proof or evidence, or even any solid reason to think it was anyone specific.”

Yut-Lung hesitates. “Arthur?”

Eiji nods. “I know it wasn’t you, so it had to be him, right?”

“Well ... not necessarily. There are plenty of people who have it out for Ash, though Arthur is the worst, and after the party the whole school thinks you’re soulmates. Not that I—! I didn’t tell—”

“I know, Yue. We were in front of many people. It was my fault.”

Yue clears his throat. “It could have been anyone, really. It’s possible that Ash knows something, but ...”

“When will he wake up?”

“We don’t know. He ... the dosage they used, and he drank so much ...”

Eiji takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. He only had a few swallows before he got dizzy and lost consciousness. Ibe said Ash drank the entire rest of the thermos. “He better survive so I can kill him myself,” Eiji grumbles. “God, why does he always ... ?”

Yue shrugs. “It’s pretty straightforward. He just cares about you more than he cares about himself.”

“But that’s—!”

“I know. I know, Eiji, I know.”

“Should you be here?” Eiji asks. “Did you skip the second half of the school day?”

Yue rolls his eyes, playing with the ends of his hair. “I was literally ditching before lunch. You think I was just going to go back to class after this? You ... you’re my friend, Eiji.”

Smiling, Eiji nods. “Thank you, Yue.”

“Sing stayed on campus for the rest of the day,” Yut-Lung continues, “but Shorter’s probably still trying to sneak into Ash’s room. They won’t let anyone but his parents in until he wakes up.”

Guardians, Ejii corrects mentally, then winces. “Are they here?”

“I believe so. Both of them.”

“Good. Ash will need someone there when he wakes up. I had Ibe, but it was still scary.”

“But you didn’t know what happened to you. Ash went in fully aware of the consequences.”

God, Eiji hopes that’s not true. Sure, he knew he’d be drugged, but he better not have known how high the dosage was or the possible effects it would have on him.

Eiji starts suddenly. Ash ... Ash is terrified of being drugged. To the point of not accepting food or drinks from people he doesn’t know well. And yet he ...

Eiji shivers.

“Yue?” he asks.

“Hm?”

“How did you ...” No, don’t ask how he knew. That confirms the rumors. “Where did those rumors about Ash even start?” he asks instead.

Yut-Lung clears his throat and glances around the empty room. He lowers his voice, despite the two of them being alone. “Right around the time Ash transferred in, a huge scandal broke on the news about a mafia child sex trafficing circle here in the New York and New Jersey area. It made national news, maybe even international. A lot politicians were involved with the ... purchasing of the children.”

Eiji remembers Ash mentioning that he might have seen it on the news, but he never paid much attention to international news back in Japan.

“Anyway, Ash’s transfer was just a coincidence, of course. Bad timing. But with how secretive everything about his transfer was, and his soulmark ... not to mention how terrified he seemed around people at first. And I didn’t even start the rumors, initially. But people were saying that he was one of the children from that, which is ridiculous anyway—he’s older than most of the kids they rescued were.”

Eiji flinches, thinking of how young Ash was when all of this started for him. How much panic Eiji felt, a year older and with only half the soulbond open. He can’t even imagine ...

Yut-Lung continues. “ I ... warped that one a little, and started to spread that he sold himself. That fit in well to the idea that he burned his own soulmark off, which was already being spread as well. Then there were rumors that he was involved with the mafia on the other side, which is how I ...” He twists at the ends of his hair, maybe nervous. “How I got the idea that he was a killer.”

Eiji frowns. “So you really were involved in a lot of it.”

Bristling, Yue clears his throat again. “Yes, well—I am sorry, you know.”

“I know, Yue. Sorry.”

Eiji tilts his head back into the pillow and sighs. It really is unfortunate. No one even knew the truth. It was by pure coincidence that the rumors hit so close to home.

“Was Ash okay?” he asks. “After drinking the drug?”

Yue sighs. “Well, it affected him pretty quickly. He found the remnants of the pills at the bottom of the thermos after drinking the rest of it, and took them sublingually so it would hit him even faster. The fool.”

“What?” Eiji asks, confused.

“If you absorb a drug sublingually, through the mucus membrane under your tongue, it hits your bloodstream much faster than if you ingest it. The bottom of the thermos had the powder from where the tablets hadn’t fully dissolved because of the ridiculous dose they used.”

Eiji can’t decide whether he’s more worried or angry at this point.

“Did he seem to panic at all?” he blurts.

Yue blinks. “... Now that you mention it, he started hyperventilating before his breathing shallowed from the drug. I thought it was odd, but ... Why do you ask?”

Eiji looks away, toward the window. “I’m just worried about him. I’d be scared, knowing that I had just taken a drug without knowing what it was.”

“Well,” Yut-Lung says with a sigh, “You should get some sleep. You’re stable now and just need to detox, so it should be safe for you to sleep as long as you keep the cannula on.”

“... Yeah,” Eiji responds, knowing full well that he won’t sleep until he can hear Ash’s voice.

He tries to reach out over the soulbond again, but it’s pure silence.

— — —

Eiji doesn’t fall asleep, but he does drift a little. He snaps out of it immediately, however, when he feels a response over the soulbond. It starts off as a dull awareness, almost unnoticeable, but it’s quickly replaced by fear.

Ash! Eiji yells.

It takes Ash a few moments to respond. E-Eiji? he asks.

I’m here.

I’m—dizzy, and—I can’t think clearly and—

It’s okay. Are your parents there?

Ash doesn’t respond. Eiji feels his own eyes start to water from the intensity of Ash’s emotions. Eiji waits a minute, but the only words he gets over the bond are Ash’s internal, No no no help please. Nothing directed at Eiji.

Do you remember what happened? Eiji asks.

N-no, I—I can’t remember anything, it’s all—my memory is—I’m sedated and—

Shh, Ash, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay. Did your parents call for the doctor?

I don’t—have parents.

Are Max and Jessica there? Can you talk to them?

A pause. They’re—here. Can’t talk. Too—everything is wrong.

Eiji is upset that he can’t be there for Ash in person, but he tries to keep his emotions in check so that Ash doesn’t have to deal with Eiji’s fear on top of his own. He hesitates.

You were drugged. You ... drank some drugged tea at school.

Tea? Ash asks.

Eiji winces. Ash gets hot lunches. He wouldn’t have tea with his lunch. Which means ...

Ash’s thoughts race, but he’s not talking to Eiji. Drugged drugged drugged, drank tea ... dizzy ... When will it kill me? I’m ... too old. They should have ... already ... He pauses. Tea? he asks again.

Eiji tries to keep his mind blank, as worried as he is about Ash.

Ash startles suddenly. Eiji! he yells. Eiji, are you okay? You were—passed out and—barely breathing—

I’m okay! Eiji assures. I woke up a while ago. You got hit harder than I did.

And somehow, despite Ash’s fear of drugs, that causes relief to run through him. Eiji, on the other hand, just feels sad.

And a little angry.

Why would you do that, Ash? he demands. You could have been killed!

Ash seems genuinely surprised, but not at the thought that he could have been killed. Surprised that Eiji is upset. That’s okay, he says.

No! Eiji yells. No, Ash, it’s not! How could you think that?

You’re worth more than me. People would miss you more. He says it as though it should be obvious.

That’s—not even— Eiji is beyond frustrated. He doesn’t even know how to explain himself, but at least Ash should be able to feel his anger.

I’m sorry ... ? Ash says, still sounding confused.

Are you, Ash? Or would you do it again in the same situation?

Of course I would. I would die for you in a heartbeat.

Eiji takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. This isn’t Ash’s fault. He’s spent so much time being told that he’s not worth anything except ...

He stops that train of thought.

I don’t need you to die for me, Ash, he says gently. I need you to live for me. Please, please, Ash. Live for me.

Chapter Text

Ash intends to lie to the hospital staff and tell them that he took the drug by mistake, but he quickly learns that Yut-Lung already gave them—and Max and Jessica—the whole story.

So that leads to some fun conversations.

Ash wants to be upset with Yut-Lung, but it’s hard when he might be part of the only reason Eiji wasn’t seriously affected.

A doctor comes in to speak with Ash about the dangers of drug addiction—like he didn’t go through withdrawal instead of elementary school—and gives Max and Jessica the number for an addictions counselor who specializes in adolescents.

Ash plays the part of the apologetic teen who made a mistake, and rolls his eyes as soon as the doctor leaves.

“What the fuck, Ash?” Max asks.

Jessica smacks his arm. “Don’t curse in front of him!”

Ash smirks, a little bitter. “What, like I’ve never heard the word fuck before? Got news for you there. I’m rather intimately familiar with—”

“That’s enough,” Jessica interrupts, putting a hand up. “But you do owe us an explanation.”

Sighing, Ash runs a hand through his hair. “It was for Eiji?” he offers.

“You can’t just—!” Jessica starts, exasperated. Ash feels a defensive pang, something like anger rising in him.

“Ash,” Max tries. “You can’t just risk your life for your soulmate. I know how you feel, but—”

And that makes Ash’s blood boil. “You know how I feel?” he demands. “You have no clue how I feel. You grew up knowing that you had a soulmate. Hearing his voice before you’d ever met. You didn’t think you’d lost someone you hadn’t even found yet! You didn’t grow up with mantras of ‘not even your soulmate will love you now’ and ‘no one but me could ever want you’ being drilled into your head. You don’t know how I feel.”

Max takes a sharp breath, but Jessica’s the one who speaks.

“We might not have those same experiences, no. But for both Max and I, our soulmates died.”

Ash pauses. That’s ... true, he supposes.

“So we do know what that feels like. And we know that that’s still not a reason to drink copious amounts of poison. This isn’t Romeo and Juliet.”

“It wasn’t poison. Just some sedatives,” Ash mutters.

“Sedatives that could have killed you.”

Or killed Eiji, if Ash hadn’t done what he did. Max and Jessica are trying, but they really don’t get it. Eiji’s life is worth so much more than Ash’s. Eiji ... Eiji has his whole life in front of him, and Ash’s might as well have ended nearly a decade ago.

What if I said that my life might as well have ended when I broke my ankle?

Ash startles. He didn’t realize Eiji was paying attention. It’s been easier to separate their thoughts and emotions lately.

That’s ... different, Ash says. Your ankle will heal.

I’ll never pole vault again, Eiji reminds him. And you say that as though you won’t heal.

I won’t, Ash thinks to himself, though he knows Eiji can hear. I’m broken far beyond repair. I’m fucked up and I always will be. And Eiji’s life is worth so, so, so much more than his.

Eiji’s side of the soulbond floods with sadness, for some reason, and Ash hears his thoughts, though they’re not directed at Ash.

But he is getting better, Eiji thinks, sad and a little bitter. He is healing. He mutters something in Japanese in his thoughts, with a feeling of defiance.

Ash is surprised, because Eiji isn’t lying. He can’t be, over the soulbond like this—not when he’s thinking to himself. He genuinely thinks that there’s hope for Ash.

Ash feels bad for tricking him.

Jessica speaks, startling Ash out of his thoughts. “What you did was dangerous and irresponsible, and we just want you to realize that.”

Ash looks down. “I don’t regret it. And I’m not going to.”

“Then you’re grounded.”

“Just to be clear, is this an entirely new grounding? Or an extension of the last two that are still ongoing?”

Jessica throws up her hands and turns to walk out of the hospital room. “We’ll visit tomorrow,” she says. “Try not to give the hospital staff too much attitude.”

Max sighs, standing as well. “Seriously, kid, we’re both glad you’re okay. Call us if you need anything.”

And as much as he gives them shit, Ash could never verbalize how grateful he is to Max and Jessica. When he came to them, around eight months ago now, he was 15 years old and had barely gone a day without having sex in ... years. The only reason he had to trust them was that Max had been Griff’s soulmate. Which, admittedly, was considerably better than nothing, since he remembered how much Griff cared about and trusted his soulmate back before he left. But Griff and Max hadn’t met in person at that point, and wouldn’t until they were both in Iraq. And Ash ... Ash didn’t hear from Griff much, after that. Griff sent letters, and Max was often mentioned, but Ash ran away within the year. And after that ...

So it was hard to trust them, at first. Michael made it a little easier—but Ash had met plenty of people who would never fuck their own kids, only the ones they bought. But after a few weeks, and then a month, and then two, he started to think that maybe the door on his room was for his privacy, not for theirs when they were with him. And maybe his phone wasn’t tapped. Maybe the food wasn’t drugged.

But even then, and even now, it’s still hard to allow himself to take anything from them. He feels bad for lashing out the way he does, and almost hopes that they’ll realize he’s not worth it. After all, no matter how much he’s thought about it, he’s never been able to bring himself to run away. If they kicked him out, at least then he wouldn’t have a choice.

And not having a choice is what he’s used to anyway.

Eiji’s sad. Ash can feel it, and he knows it’s his fault.

Sorry, he says. Get some sleep. You need it to recover.

You more so than me, Eiji retorts. 

Fine. I’ll sleep if you do?

Deal.

— — —

It’s hard to keep track of time, but at some point, Yut-Lung visits Ash. He pauses before he speaks, probably talking to Sing.

“How are you feeling?” he asks after a moment, wringing his hands.

“Fine,” Ash replies.

Yut-Lung rolls his eyes. “Liar. Eiji was feeling awful and I know you’re worse off than he is.”

Well, he does have a bit of a headache, and the sedation hasn’t fully worn off yet. He hates the sedation, and it makes him feel like someone’s going to come and ... and hurt him ... at any given moment.

But he’s okay.

“A few of Arthur’s guys turned him in to Charlie and the principal,” Yut-Lung says.

“Oh shit, really?”

Yut-Lung nods stiffly. “Alex, Bones, and Kong. Apparently this was going too far for them. They backed out of the plan and told them to stop, but Arthur and some of the others went through with it anyway. When the two of you ended up hospitalized, they told the whole story.”

“Shit ...” Ash whispers.

“Arthur will be expelled, no doubt,” Yut-Lung says. “And you and Eiji will have the option to press charges if you want.”

Ash shakes his head. He’s had enough of courtrooms and pressing charges to last him a lifetime or two. If Eiji wants him there, then maybe, but ...

We don’t have to, Eiji says. He must have just woken up; the soulbond was quiet before this. If he’s expelled, he’ll leave us alone, yes?

Yeah. I hope so.

“Ash ...” Yut-Lung starts. Ash looks at him, but he’s looking down, playing with the ends of his hair. “Has anyone ... I mean, because of me, has anyone ...”

Ash waits, but Yut-Lung can’t seem to get the words out. Ash leans back into his pillows and just fucking sighs.

“Are you asking how many people have tried to sleep with me because of what you told everyone?”

Yut-Lung’s head snaps up. “So it has happened?” he asks.

“Not as often this year as last. I think having Eiji around has helped.”

“I ... I’m sorry, Ash. After what I’ve been through, I should have known better than to put you at risk like that.”

“It’s fine,” Ash breathes. “You saved Eiji’s life.”

“That’s all it takes for you to forgive me?”

“Uh ... Yeah, honestly. Thank you.”

Yut-Lung shakes his head, silky hair falling over his shoulders. “Well, I won’t complain. But I do promise you that I’ll do everything I can to not betray that trust.”

I didn’t say I trust you, Ash thinks, just that I forgive you. But it’s not worth arguing over. The list of people Ash trusts is ... not a long one.

He thinks about Eiji, and ... well, the list might not be long, but at least it exists.

“I should leave you be,” Yut-Lung says. “If Shorter doesn’t get a turn soon, he might actually burn the hospital down.”

“Shorter?” Ash asks, suppressing a shiver at the phrasing of people getting a turn with him.

“He spent half the time you were asleep trying to sneak in here to check on you. He was absolutely devastated when he learned that you woke up after he had already gone home.” Yut-Lung smirks. “And while it would be amusing to see him go feral, it’s probably for the best if I go fetch him.”

Ash snorts. “Thanks. I’m sure the hospital staff will thank you for preventing the potential property damage caused by one Shorter Wong.”

It takes Shorter approximately 47 seconds to appear after Yut-Lung leaves.

“Ash!” he yells.

“Fuck, dude. Headache,” Ash says.

“Shit, sorry,” Shorter says, dropping to a ridiculously exaggerated whisper.

“Just talk normally, dumbass.”

“Oh. Okay. My bad.”

“Fucking yeah it is. God.”

Shorter drops himself down into the visitor chair by the bed. “Ash, man, I’m so sorry.”

“Why?”

“I keep ... letting you do shit like this. It’s not cool of me.”

Ash blinks. “I’m the one doing it.”

“Yeah, but that’s not your fault.”

“How are my own actions not my fault?”

Shorter runs a hand through his mohawk. It’s not spiked up today. In fact, he looks like he rolled out of bed and barely put some jeans and one of his ugliest vests on. “Look, I don’t know what you’ve ... been through, but I know it wasn’t great.”

Ash looks away, out the window.

“And I’m not gonna blame you for what’s clearly a response to that.”

Ash scoffs. “A trauma response?” He doesn’t like thinking of himself as traumatized. It’s not like he didn’t deserve all of it. Not like he’s ever been worth more than—

Eiji sends a wordless reprimand over the soulbond.

Sorry.

“Yeah, a fucking trauma response or some shit. I don’t know, man,” Shorter says. “I just know that it’s not your fault. Like, you legitimately don’t know better than to keep pulling this shit. But I do, and you’re my best fucking friend, and I should be there helping you.”

And even though Shorter’s being a little demeaning about it, Ash knows he means well. “Okay,” he says, turning back to Shorter.

Shorter looks up, his expression surprised. “Really?”

Ash furrows his brow. “What?”

“I just ... didn’t expect you to agree. You definitely wouldn’t have, a couple months ago.”

Wrinkling his nose, Ash turns away again. “Fuck off,” he mutters.

“Eiji’s been good for you, hasn’t he?”

“... Yeah. Yeah, he has.” Ash sends a little wave of appreciation over the bond. Eiji responds with a burst of happiness, leaving Ash smiling out toward the sky outside the window.

Thanks, Shorter. Thanks Eiji, he thinks. I owe you two so much.

Chapter Text

Ash and Eiji both spend the first couple days of winter break in the hospital. It’s on the day they’re released, while Eiji is still on the way back from the hospital, that he feels a jolt of surprise over the soulbond.

What’s wrong? Eiji asks.

... Max and Jessica just told me they’re going to start going to therapy, Ash responds, confusion and hesitancy saturating the bond.

That’s ... good, isn’t it? Eiji asks, also confused. Why does Ash seem almost scared?

Because they’re going to therapy to learn how to support me, and—and—

Ash’s conscious thoughts stop, but Eiji can feel him spiraling.

They’re going to get hurt, Ash’s mind supplies. They’re—I’m going to get hurt. And I’m not worth the effort anyway. The—the therapist is going to tell them I’m not worth the effort. She’s going to tell them to get rid of me. Maybe it’s for the best. They’ll finally realize that all I’m good for is sucking and—

Hey, Eiji interrupts, flinching a little at the sound of his own voice. He hopes he sounds soothing anyway. Hey, it’s okay. The therapist is just going to tell them how to help you better.

Eiji finds his own breath going shallow as Ash’s panic just keeps increasing.

Are you okay? Eiji asks.

I—I think I’m having an anxiety attack or—or something, Ash admits. And Max said that this is the kind of thing they want to help with. See? It’s my fucking fault. Fuck. T-therapy is expensive, isn’t it? I—I can’t—

Eiji finds himself wishing he had gone to therapy, just to know how to help someone having a panic attack.

N-no! Ash says. Don’t, don’t, please ...

I—I’m not, Ash! I just want to help you. I’m sorry.

Don’t apologize ... Ash pleads.

“Are you okay?” Ibe asks from the driver’s seat, clearly picking up on something.

“I’m fine,” Eiji responds. “Ash is—struggling.”

Sorry, Ash says. I’m sorry.

It’s okay. It’s not your fault.

It is, it is, it’s all ... everything is my fault ...

Ash, sweetheart ...

Ash goes quiet for a second, and Eiji winces. Was it a bad idea to use a pet name like that? Eiji has no idea what kind of experiences Ash might have with words like that.

No it—it’s okay, Ash responds to Eiji’s thoughts. It’s ... different, from you. Thank you.

Ash is still panicking a bit, but Eiji feels a hint of his own happiness sneak through. He hopes Ash can feel it too.

— — —

The grades are in for our history project! Eiji tells Ash, checking the student portal on his laptop.

How’d we do? Ash asks, with a hint of anxiety coming through the bond.

We got 100%. As if we could expect anything less after the work you put in. Eiji is teasing, but Ash is genuinely relieved at the grade. Eiji pauses. Were you nervous?

A spark of indignation. I’ve been in enough porn to know what would happen to me if I started failing my classes.

Eiji hesitates.

Ah, shit, sorry. That was ... to myself. I didn’t mean for you to ...

He’s not used to anyone actually hearing his intrusive thoughts. I understand, Eiji says.

A wordless thanks emanates from Ash.

But ... I don’t want you to keep thinking that way anymore, okay? I want you to ... Eiji doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. To what? To be free from his past? Easier said than done.

Definitely easier said than done, Ash responds, a little bitter.

Ah, that was not for ...

There’s a pause, and then both of them laugh.

It’s gotten a little easier to separate, but not much, yeah? Eiji asks. He smiles to himself.

Yeah, Ash agrees. At least I can usually tell which emotions are mine versus yours, but I still can’t seem to keep anything hidden from you.

Same here. Although ... maybe that’s not so bad, really.

... Yeah. Maybe it’s not.

Eiji’s a little surprised at that.

Why? Ash asks.

You don’t mind that someone’s in your head?

Not—not if it’s you. Eiji can feel Ash’s embarrassment, but even still, Ash repeats it anyway. Not if it’s you.

Eiji goes to talk to Ibe. He makes tea for both of them, hoping to ease the conversation a little.

You’re nervous about something? Ash asks.

Just—a bit. Don’t worry about it.

Ash buzzes with a mild curiosity, but doesn’t inquire further.

“Ibe-san,” Eiji starts, once they’re both seated. “I ... I want to stay in America.”

Wait. What? Ash asks. Eiji ignores him.

Ibe is silent for a long moment. “Is this because of your soulmate?” he asks eventually.

“Well—yes. Mostly, at least.”

Ash feels guilty, but Eiji ignores that too.

“I belong with him,” Eiji continues, “and I don’t want to leave him. You understand how I feel, don’t you?”

Ibe frowns slightly, examining his tea for a moment. “I understand that you are still young, and that something like this is new and exciting for you.”

Eiji bristles, ready to be on the defensive.

“And I also understand that gaining residency in this country can be a long, difficult process, particularly if you’re not white.”

“Just because your soulmate left you,” Eiji mutters. That’s not quite accurate; Eiji’s heard the story from Ibe himself. He and his soulmate Eiko got along well at first, but once they met in person in college, they decided that they were better off platonically. Ibe is still friends with her, but he hasn’t been with anyone romantically since then.

“There’s no need to lash out, Ei-chan,” Ibe says. His voice is kind, and Eiji regrets his outburst. It’s just hard for him not to be a little brazen when Ash is involved. “This isn’t an outright no. I’m just asking you to consider—”

“I won’t change my mind.” Eiji crosses his arms.

Ibe sighs, rubbing at his beard. “Then we’ll figure something out. You should talk to your parents about this, if you haven’t already. I can’t be the one to tell them.”

“... Yeah. I know.” Eiji hasn’t talked to his family much since coming to America. Not that he spoke to them much when he lived with them, either.

As Eiji retreats back to his room, Ash speaks up.

You shouldn’t decide your future around me.

Says the person who almost got himself killed for my sake. Twice.

That’s different.

You’re right! Eiji says, rolling his eyes. That’s infinitely worse.

I’m serious. You should go back to your family after the school year. You should ... Ash trails off. Leave me, he adds, though Eiji isn’t sure if he meant for Eiji to hear.

I don’t want to leave you, Ash. I mean ... He’d rather be with Ash than his family.

Ash is concerned. Things are that bad for you back home?

Whoops. He didn’t mean to admit that. They’re not ... awful. I try not to think about it a lot. But they’re not great. My father’s health has been failing for years now. He spends more time in the hospital than at home, and my mother has been turning to other men to replace him. My little sister is too young to really understand, so it’s all on me in a lot of ways.

Ash feels more sad about it than Eiji does. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve that.

It’s fine! Compared to you, I’ve had it easy. He pauses, sensing where Ash’s mind will go next. And don’t say that the difference is that you deserve what you’ve been through.

Eiji gets the sense of Ash grumbling, but there’s no words alongside the feeling. Despite the context, he manages to laugh. Ash really is just a kid.

Am not! Ash pouts.

Eiji just smiles wider. Then a short pause. Hey ... he starts.

A questioning feeling from Ash.

We don’t have the history project as an excuse to spend time together anymore.

That’s ... true, Ash says. I guess we’ll have to make our own excuse. Eiji gets the sense of a smirk, which makes him smile in turn.

Ash Lynx, would you like to go on a date with me?

The smirk is gone in an instant, replaced by surprise and embarrassment. Ash is definitely blushing, though Eiji can’t see him.

Is that a yes? Eiji teases.

Y-yes, Ash replies. Yes, let’s go on a date.

Where would you want to go? What sorts of things do you enjoy? Eiji realizes that, in some ways, he still knows very little about Ash.

There’s not a lot to know, Ash says, and Eiji winces. I don’t ... do a lot. Eiji follows along as Ash wordlessly thinks of time spent alone in his room at his guardian’s house—and Eiji notices with a pang that Ash doesn’t even call the house his own. Ash thinks about silently checking out library books and—

The library! Eiji says.

What? Ash asks, startled.

We can go on a library date!

... You don’t think that’s dumb?

Of course not! It’s something you enjoy, right?

... Yeah.

Then it’s not dumb. Eiji grins, pleased with himself. Ash’s spiraling thoughts have stopped, too. It’s a date.

— — —

Since it’s break, they plan their date for the very next day. Eiji can tell that Ash spends the whole time leading up to the date extremely nervous. He even has a nightmare the night before; he sleeps in later than Eiji, and Eiji can feel the turmoil of his emotions even in his sleep.

Are you okay? Eiji asks as soon as he feels Ash wake up.

Ash sends a groggy wave of appreciation toward Eiji. It takes him a few moments to actually collect himself enough to respond in words. Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?

You had a nightmare, didn’t you?

Ash brushes the thought off entirely. Not a big deal. Wasn’t a bad one.

But it felt bad to Eiji, and he wasn’t even experiencing it. The idea that Ash goes through so much worse on a regular basis ...

Sorry, Ash says. That one really wasn’t bad. They get worse.

Don’t you dare think about blocking the bond again! Eiji warns.

I—I wasn’t! Ash says. Then a burst of shock. I ... actually wasn’t.

And it’s true. The thought hadn’t even occurred to him. They’re both surprised; Eiji happily so, and Ash warily.

You’re not happy? Eiji asks.

... I’m getting comfortable with hurting you.

No, Ash, you’re getting comfortable with letting me help you.

They meet at the library in the afternoon. The only library in America that Eiji has visited before is the school library. Compared to that, or the Shimane University Library in Izumo, the New York Public Library is huge.

Eiji has finally switched from crutches and a cast to a walking boot, so he has a little more mobility than before. Ash still comes to the front entrance to meet him anyway.

“What do you usually do here?” Eiji asks.

Ash shrugs. “Read.” He doesn’t look it, but he’s embarrassed. “But that’s not exactly a group activity.”

“That’s okay! I just want to spend time with you. We can read together if you’d like!”

“... Really?”

Eiji makes sure his feelings of honesty are clear over the soulbond. “Of course. I want to share the things you enjoy. I’m not much of a reader. What are your favorite books?”

He tries. He really does. The Catcher in the Rye, The Beautiful and the Damned, Islands in the Stream. But he only maks it a few pages into each before he gets frustrated. Modern English is complicated enough. How is he supposed to understand this?

Ash laughs. “You don’t have to enjoy the same things as me, you know. I’m sure there are books here you’d enjoy.” His expression turns into a teasing smirk. “They have a manga section, you know.”

Eiji rolls his eyes at Ash’s pronunciation. “Fine!” he says, standing up. “I’ll go buy some manga while you enjoy your pretentious nerd books.”

Ash laughs so loud that half a dozen people shush him.

Eiji is just happy to hear him laughing.

Chapter Text

Ash is ... worried.

He’s not panicking, exactly. Not yet. But he can acknowledge that he’s worried.

Scared, even.

You’re definitely scared, Eiji responds. But that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with being scared.

Showing fear just gets you hurt more, Ash thinks, bitter. But a moment later, he adds, No, sorry. That’s not true. Not anymore.

Eiji is happy, for some reason.

I’m happy because you corrected yourself, Ash. You didn’t wait for me.

... Yeah. I guess that’s true.

But Ash can’t really take the time to be happy about it. Because Max and Jessica are currently in their therapy appointment, trying in vain to help Ash. The therapist is probably telling them at this exact moment that if they’re not going to fuck Ash, they might as well get rid of him. He wonders which one they’ll choose. He’d like to think that they’d just kick him out, but it’s not like he hasn’t been hurt by people he trusted before.

His coach ... Goddamn, he trusted his fucking coach ...

Sweetheart? Eiji says. Stay with me.

Fuck, maybe he is panicking after all.

He checks the time. The appointment should have just ended. Max and Jessica could be home any minute.

Ash looks around his room, wondering if he should be taking the opportunity to say goodbye to everything. Wondering if he’ll ever see Michael again. The kid isn’t even here. Off with Jessica’s sister again. Probably for the best. It’s not like Ash could take care of him anyway. He’s not good at shit like that. He’s not good at anything except what he’s been—

Ash.

—fucking trained to do. Fuck, why did he ever call this his bedroom? He got too greedy. Took too much, and now he’s going to lose it all. He should never have gotten attached, should never have cared about any of this. It was always too good to be true. At least he got—what, almost a year out of this? Ten months of a perfect life. More than he ever could have—

Ash.

—thought to ask for. More than he ever could have hoped for. He thinks about how things will be back on the street, if they decide not to use him after all; he’ll have to start hustling right away, of course, turning tricks from day one; not that he’ll ever work his way out of the gutter again but at least maybe he can afford a little food and maybe a motel on the colder nights now that it’s December. How could he have let himself think he’d never go through it all again? Why did he ever even try thinking he was worth more than a quick fuck why couldn’t he just accept that this is the life he fucking deserves—

Ash!

What do you want, Eiji? Ash snaps. Shit, sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to—Fuck, I’m so sorry Eiji. I’m just ... He doesn’t even have an excuse. He’s just fucked up. Broken.

... Okay, I’m ignoring that comment for now. Back to what you were thinking before. Ash, you know I’d never let any of that happen to you, right?

What do you mean? Ash asks, confused. Let what happen to him?

All of ... everything you were thinking. There’s absolutely no way Max and Jessica will kick you out, but even if they did, I wouldn’t let you hurt yourself like that. You could stay with Ibe and me.

There’s ... nothing wrong with ... Ash trails off.

Sex work? Eiji finishes. I’m not saying that. I’m saying that there is something wrong with a 16-year-old doing sex work because he thinks it’s the only thing he’s good for. Eiji’s mad, but the anger isn’t directed at Ash.

Ash scoffs. How do you even know these words? Hustling, turning tricks, even sex work isn’t in your typical English workbook.

Eiji is quiet for a second. His thoughts are muted, like he’s trying to hold something back from Ash.

Eiji?

I ... learned them from you. Over the soulbond, before we met. I heard a lot of words like that, and looked them up. You’re the whole reason I started learning English.

Ash fucking reels. You ... Fuck, Eiji, I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to ... I’m so fucking sorry, Eiji. You learned a whole language for me? And ... god fucking damn it, you never should have had to learn words like that, and—

And you should have? Eiji demands. I’m a year older than you, and I wasn’t the one who had to actually live through those experiences.

I’m sorry, Eiji, I’m sorry ...

Ash ...

The front door opens. Ash can’t decide between running downstairs to confront things directly, closing his door and praying they don’t come in, or just jumping out the fucking window.

Take deep breaths, Eiji says. If I’m hyperventilating, I know you are.

Fuck. He’s making Eiji suffer, too.

Sorry. You weren’t supposed to hear that part.

What do I do, Eiji? I can’t ... I—I can’t do this. I can’t face them. They’ll—they’ll ...

Go talk to them, Eiji encourages. It’ll be okay. I promise.

You can’t know that. But Eiji does feel confident about it. How? How can he know?

They love you, Ash. And there it is again, that unspoken second part that Ash can feel through Eiji’s emotions. The terrifying idea that Eiji loves him, too. And that Ash loves him back.

Eiji’s embarrassed, and through his panic Ash can almost feel the same.

Talk to them, Eiji says again. And I’ll be here if you need me.

Ash takes a few more breaths and heads downstairs.

“Hey kid,” Max starts as soon as he sees Ash.

“I’m sorry!” Ash blurts, gripping the stairway railing. “P-please don’t ...” Fuck, what does he even ask for? He doesn’t even know if he’d prefer for them to use him or kick him out at this point. He’s too ... reliant on them. He doesn’t want to lose this completely. Even if the dynamic changed back to him being a toy, maybe that’d still be better than having to leave entirely.

“Please don’t hate me,” he settles on. His voice comes out in a whine, begging like the pathetic whore he is.

He feels Eiji wince.

Sorry. I’m—sorry, Ash tries.

Max and Jessica both visibly soften. Why?

“Why would we hate you?” Max asks. His voice isn’t quite a whisper, but it’s slow. Measured. Treating Ash like a child. Or an animal.

“The therapist—told you—that I’m only—” Why can’t he even bring himself to say it? It’s the truth.

“Breathe, Ash,” but Ash isn’t even sure whether Max or Eiji or Jessica is talking. He keeps holding onto the railing, but his legs give out from under him and he collapses to the floor, one arm extended above him. Fuck. Fuck ...

There’s more talking, but Ash can’t keep track. He can’t even breathe.

“It’s a panic attack, isn’t—”

“I think so, but—”

“Talk to him!”

“You should go. He’ll respond better to—”

A hand on his shoulder. Ash flinches back violently, letting go of the railing and pressing himself back against the stairs. “N-no!”

He looks up. Jessica is holding both of her hands up. “I’m sorry, Ash. I didn’t mean to startle you. Can you hear me?”

Ash shakes his head. He can, but it’s not—right.

Jessica glances behind her shoulder. Ash follows her gaze to Max.

Ash pushes himself back farther, trying to disappear into the stairs. Max steps around a corner, out of sight, and Jessica moves back about a foot.

Jessica continues. “Okay. That’s okay. I want you to focus on something that can ground you, okay? Do you want to hold my hand?”

Shaking his head again, hard enough to hurt his neck, Ash grabs onto the base of the nearest railing post with both hands. His breathing gets even faster.

“That’s okay. I’m not angry with you. Can you feel the wood under your hands?”

Ash pauses. He ... he actually can.

Eiji breathes a sigh of relief over the soulbond.

Are you—okay? Ash asks him.

Focus on yourself. That’ll help me, too.

S-sorry.

Don’t worry. I’m just paying attention so I can help next time too.

Ash tries to take another breath, then nods in response to Jessica. She looks relieved as well. Fuck. Ash is fucking shit up for so many people.

Eiji sends a nudge of fondness over the bond. A reminder that we’re here because we care, he says.

“Okay, focus on the feeling of it. Can you tell me what it feels like?”

Ash opens his mouth, but every word he could say gets caught in his throat. He shakes his head again instead, getting upset that that’s all he seems able to do.

No one is mad at you.

Eiji. Fuck, he loves Eiji.

There’s a small burst of surprise from somewhere, but it quickly fades.

“You don’t have to say it out loud if you can’t,” Jessica continues. “Just think about it. Focus on the feeling.”

Ash does. He closes his eyes. The wood is a little rougher than he thought it would be; the varnish must be wearing down.

“He’s breathing more evenly again,” a man’s voice murmurs. Ash flinches. “Shit, sorry.”

It’s Max, Ash realizes. He digs his fingers into the wood in his hands, feeling it splinter under his nails. Fuck. Will Max and Jessica be mad at him for that?

Of course not, Eiji supplies.

It’s ... a little too similar to a wooden headboard, and suddenly Ash releases it, pushing himself away from the railing.

“Ash?” Jessica asks.

“Sorry,” Ash mumbles.

You spoke! Eiji cheers.

He ... did. And he can breathe, too. He’s ... wow.

“How are you feeling?” Jessica asks.

“I’m—fine. Better,” Ash answers. He pauses. “Thank you.”

“Of course. Can ... Would you be okay with Max coming back in now?”

Ash winces. “Yeah, of course. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, sweetheart. It’s not your fault.”

Except it is.

But—not really, he guesses. He might be the fucked up one, but it’s not like he did this to himself.

A feeling of happiness radiates from Eiji.

Max, Jessica, and Ash sit down in the living room. Ash doesn’t exactly like these conversations. He’d rather spend his time in his bedroom, pretending he doesn’t exist outside of those four walls. ‘Family dinners’ are hard enough, and that’s with Michael there.

At least you’ve been eating more recently, Eiji thinks. Ash is surprised. Sorry! I didn’t mean to point it out or anything. I just ...

He’s proud of him.

It’s okay, Ash says. Thank you.

“Ash,” Max starts. “Jess and I are going to continue with the therapy appointments.”

Ash’s breathing catches, but he doesn’t start spiraling. “What ... what did they tell you? About me?”

“She helped us ... maybe see things from your perspective a bit more. And she started us with some coping mechanisms to help you through ... crises. Like what Jess just talked you through.” He glances at Jessica, who nods.

“And it looks like it worked, right sweetie? You’re feeling better now?”

“I ... I am. But—she didn’t tell you to—” he stops, hesitant to even voice his fears. What if him saying it out loud makes them realize?

They love you, Eiji reminds him.

“What are you worried about?” Max asks. His voice is soft, but not cautious this time.

“She didn’t tell you to fuck me?” Ash asks quickly, pushing the words out as fast as he can. Jessica closes her eyes and turns her head away from Ash. “Or—or to kick me out? That I’m not worth it? That—that all I’m good for—is ...”

“No, Ash, she didn’t say anything like that,” Max says. He doesn’t sound angry, or like he’s changed his mind. “No one here thinks those things about you. And no one should have, ever. I’m ... really sorry that you have to be worried about things like that at all.” In fact, Max sounds sad.

Jessica takes a breath, turning back to Ash. “And we’re sorry if this decision hurt you at all. But we think it will be for the best. In fact ...” She and Max glance at each other.

“We’ll never force you into anything,” Max starts.

“But the therapist we saw ...” Jessica hesitates. “She really wants to work with you directly. And we’d like you to consider it.”

Ash is quiet for a minute. He can’t deny that what Jessica did there actually helped him. That was probably the fastest he’s come down from a panic attack since the days when he had to control them, or else get hurt even more for it.

Are you there? he asks Eiji.

For you? Always, Eiji responds affectionately. But yes, I’m listening.

What do you think?

I think it’s worth trying. I want what’s best for you, and both of us learning some coping mechanisms is probably a good idea.

Yeah ... Sorry.

Eiji just responds in a burst of affection.

“Okay,” Ash says.

Jessica blinks. “What?”

“I’ll ... try. Again.”

Max and Jessica both release a breath like a sigh.

“Thank you,” Max breathes.

No, Ash thinks. Thank you. All of you.

Chapter Text

Eiji decides that what Ash said during his panic attack should be discussed in person, so he pushes it out of his mind as best as he can until the next opportunity he has to be with Ash.

After all, Ash probably said it on accident. He might not even remember. But he said—he said—

Eiji doesn’t know if he’s successful at not thinking about it, or if Ash just never quite pays enough attention to notice. He’s been pretty caught up thinking about his family and therapy.

Can we meet up again soon? Eiji asks.

Of course, Ash replies fondly.

We could go on another date, or— Eiji stops, noticing Ash’s hesitance. You don’t want to do another date?

No! It’s not that. I would love to. Sometime. I just ... I was wondering if you’d like to come over to Max and Jessica’s—to my house again?

Eiji lights up, grinning. I would love to!

A minute later, Ash says, They say you’re welcome whenever. Like ... right now, if you want.

Really?

They said I don’t even have to ask, if it’s you, as long as you don’t stay too late.

Then I’ll be there soon!

When Ash answers the door, Michael is glued to his leg.

“Where’s the purple man?” Michael asks. Eiji can feel Ash’s embarrassment, but Eiji just laughs.

“He didn’t come with me today,” Eiji says. “Maybe Ash can invite him next time, okay?”

Michael nods excitedly. After a moment, he adds, “You’re okay too,” and then trots off into the living room.

“Sorry about that,” Ash mutters.

“Hey, I have your brother’s seal of approval! That’s a good thing, right?”

Ash’s embarrassment grows, as well as a conflicted sense of pride, happiness, and sadness at the word ‘brother.’

“Eiji!” Jessica calls as soon as he enters. “Sweetheart, have you eaten?”

“Ah, yes, I ate before coming.”

“Well let us know if you need anything, okay?”

“Thank you, Mrs. Callenreese,” Eiji says.

There’s a jolt of fear from Ash for some reason, but Jessica just laughs and says, “Call me Jess.”

Did I say something wrong? Eiji asks Ash as they head upstairs to Ash’s room.

We don’t have the same last name, Ash answers. I’m Callenreese, but Max is Glenreed, and Jessica is Randy. Max and Griff never got married, and Jessica kept her soulmate’s last name even after remarrying. I have my dad— he stops, then corrects himself. I have Griffin’s name.

I’m sorry, Eiji says. I didn’t mean to—

It’s fine, Ash says quickly. Sorry. I know it’s complicated.

As Ash pauses to open his bedroom door, Eiji softly touches his free hand. His left, the one with the scar. Hey. I don’t care about complicated, remember? I just care about you.

Ash turns to him and smiles, soft and genuine. Yeah. Thank you.

Ash leaves his bedroom door open, and Eiji doesn’t comment on it. It could be a rule that Max and Jess have, or simply for Ash’s comfort. Either way, it’s so automatic that Ash doesn’t think about it, and doesn’t seem to notice that Eiji does.

Ash sits on his bed, which is the only furniture in the room. Not a desk, or even a dresser. Ash’s backpack is in the corner of the room near the closet, alongside a large stack of books on the floor. There’s not even a bedside table—Ash’s reading glasses are in their case on the floor next to the bed.

Ash quickly stands up and sits on the floor instead.

Sorry, he says. You can sit on the bed. I don’t ... I don’t like when Max and Jessica spend money on me.

Eiji tries to push back the sadness that comes up at those words, and sits on the bed like Ash suggested.

Ash, he says. Please sit up here with me. I don’t like it when you’re on the floor by yourself like that. And he doesn’t. Seeing Ash at his feet like that—it makes him uncomfortable.

... Yeah, Ash murmurs, moving to sit on the bed next to Eiji. Sorry. He clears his throat. “Thanks for agreeing to come over. Max and Jessica were really happy when I asked.”

I was, too, Eiji thinks. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“Was there anything specific you wanted to do or talk about?”

“I—Actually, Ash, I—” He stops, not sure how to continue.

What is it? Ash asks.

Eiji pauses, cautious. Do you ... remember what you said—thought, I guess—during your panic attack the other day?

There’s a spike of nerves, and Eiji can feel Ash putting walls up.

I’m sure I said a lot of things, Ash says cautiously.

It was nothing bad! Eiji assures. “It just ... caught me off guard, and I wanted to talk about it.”

“What did I say?”

Hesitating again, Eiji switches back to talking over the soulbond. You ... you said you loved me.

Ash is silent for a moment, and even his emotions seem frozen. Eventually, he says, Well ... I do. Love you.

Happiness blossoms inside of Eiji. I love you too!

Ash feels ... skeptical.

You can feel that it’s the truth, right, Ash? You know that I’m not lying. I ... I’ve loved you for a long time now. I just ... we hadn’t ... said the words.

... I know.

Then why are you so hesitant?

It’s just— Ash sighs, and it startles Eiji that the sound is out loud instead of just in his head. It’s hard to believe. Even with proof. That someone like you could love someone like me.

Eiji frowns. He reaches for Ash’s left hand and softly brushes his fingers against the red scar. There’s no ‘someone like you’ and ‘someone like me.’ There’s just you and me, okay?

Ash looks at where Eiji’s fingers meet his skin. He’s scared, almost, but he doesn’t pull away.

“I can’t feel it,” Ash blurts.

“What?” Eiji asks, confused.

“When you touch me there. The—the nerves are dead. I can’t feel anything.”

How do you want me to touch you? Eiji says. A moment later, he realizes the possible implication. I mean—

No, it’s okay. I understand what you mean. And ... if I’m being honest ...

Ash doesn’t continue the sentence, but Eiji can feel it in his thoughts. He wants Eiji to kiss him again.

I will, Eiji says, if you want me to. And only if you want me to.

I ... I do, Ash admits. If you want to.

Then we will. But first ... Eiji cradles Ash’s left hand in his right, and softly pulls their joined hands up. He presses Ash’s palm against his chest, above his heart. Can you feel it? Eiji asks.

Your heartbeat?

Eiji nods. It’s beating for you.

Ash blushes. “You’re so cheesy,” he mutters out loud.

“Then you’re going to hate what comes next,” Eiji says, grinning. He raises Ash’s hand even higher, and lowers his head at the same time.

When Ash realizes what’s happening, he jumps a little, but doesn’t pull away. “E-Eiji,” he whines.

Eiji brushes his lips against Ash’s scar. His emotions are calm, serene, and so very deep. He loves Ash. He just loves him.

“I love you,” Eiji whispers, lips moving against Ash’s skin, whether he can feel it or not.

“I ... I love you too,” Ash squeaks out.

Eiji smiles, releasing Ash’s hand. Instead of letting it drop back to the bed, Ash reaches up. He lingers for a moment, hand hovering in the space between them, before gently threading his fingers through Eiji’s hair.

Ash leans forward, closing the short distance between the two of them, and Eiji does the same, meeting him in the middle.

Eiji has never kissed anyone other than Ash Lynx. And that’s okay, because he never wants to kiss anyone else. This second kiss is just as chaste as their first, though it lasts a little longer. Ash’s hand in Eiji’s hair feels soft, loving, not demanding. Eiji’s hands fidget in his lap; he’s not sure what to do with them. Does he put a hand in Ash’s hair, too? Maybe put a hand on his waist? Or is he supposed to just leave them in his lap? He wants to do this right, especially since it’s his second kiss now, but it’s hard—with Ash’s lips on his, how is he supposed to think of anything other than the pure overwhelming emotion coming from both of them?

Before Eiji can decide on Ash’s hair or his waist, Ash pulls back.

And he laughs.

“Hey!” Eiji whines. “Don’t laugh at me. That’s so mean.”

“Sorry,” Ash says. He brings a hand to his mouth, clearly trying to suppress his laughter. “Were you so anxious during our last kiss, too? I didn’t know it was your first.”

Eiji just pouts in response.

“It’s okay,” Ash says. “I’d rather ...” He trails off. I’d rather focus on your thoughts and emotions. It’s easier.

Are kisses difficult for you? Eiji asks. He’s worried, about to offer that kissing doesn’t have to be part of their relationship, but Ash shakes his head.

Not with you. Nothing’s difficult with you, Eiji. Nothing hurts with you.

Eiji thinks about that for a moment. Nothing hurts with you. It’s how a relationship—a relationship of any sort, really, not just between soulmates—should be. But for someone like Ash, who’s been hurt so relentlessly in the past? Something like that means everything.

“I’m glad,” Eiji says softly. “I would never want to hurt you.”

“I know,” Ash breathes. “And that’s why you don’t.”

They’ve addressed the I love you, but there was something else Eiji needed to discuss, too.

“What is it?” Ash asks.

“I’m staying in America,” Eiji responds, making sure that his voice is unwavering. “I talked to my mother, and she and Ibe-san spoke, and they agreed to let me stay, and help me with the legal process.”

Ash shifts almost imperceptibly farther away from Eiji on the bed. “I still don’t think you should stay,” Ash admits. “I don’t like the idea of you making a decision like that based on my influence.”

“But you do like the idea of me staying.”

Ash can’t deny it. Not with the soulbond open.

“And I want to stay,” Eiji continues. “That’s all there is to it, okay? My sister will be okay without me, and ... there’s nothing else for me in Japan. Not anymore. I’m not really any more emotionally distant with my parents now than I was when I lived with them.” He tries to keep the bitterness out of his voice, and goes to quickly move on, but Ash intervenes.

Hey, no, he says. You’re allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to feel things too, okay? I want to be there for you. You can bitch about your family to me. I don’t mind.

I ... might take you up on that sometime, Eiji says. “But anyway. Here, in America, there’s ... you. And I have an entire future here with you, if you want me there for it, I mean.”

I do, Ash admits quietly. Fuck, Eiji, I want you here with me so badly.

Then I will stay, Ash. If you want me here, and I want to be here, that’s enough, isn’t it? Everything else we can figure out as it happens.

... Yeah, Ash says after a moment.

You’ve been through so much on your own in your life; I’m certain you can handle anything. But I don’t want you to—at least, not by yourself. I’m with you now, Ash.

I love you, Ash thinks. I love you I love you I love you.

Eiji smiles, meeting his gaze. I love you too, Ash.

And maybe in another world, in another context, Eiji’s next words could have been a goodbye. But here, they’re a promise.

My soul is always with you.