Archive of Our Own ^beta

One step. Another step.
The way home from the Orpheum is silent and even now as they are walking up the steps to their front door, Carrie’s Dad has yet to say anything.

She doesn’t quite understand why her father is so shaken up by the performance of Julie and her band but then again she feels rattled herself and can’t make sense of it.

Her dad unlocks the door and heads straight up to his room. Carrie lets herself fall on the couch and closes her eyes for a while.

The band was good. Really good. The two guys on the guitar and bass were so full of energy and all smiles while riffing in ways that would probably make THE Trevor Wilson a little bit jealous and their drummer seemed steady and solid with an extra special kick just like a drummer should be.

They had a sense of familiarity to them that Carrie couldn’t shake.

But her mind keeps straying back to Julie herself. When she stepped up on stage in that beautiful purple dress (and oh, Carrie knows exactly what that dress was originally made for) there was a sense of finality to her.

Something felt a little off in that speech but Julie stood like she knew what she was doing, like she was ready to face every wave coming her way with her steady smile and warm eyes, never straying from who she was.

Carrie folds her arms like she did back at the concert, to keep the feeling of seasickness at bay.

That performance did something to her. It was like she could see Julie in all clarity again, no more clouds of jealousy in her vision.

Fourth time’s a charm?

Carrie feels sick.

Because yes, Carrie has spent the past year working her butt off and shaping her group into some kind of a phenomenon, with gruelling practices and bubbly lyrics and runs on Saturday morning. And yes, some money from her Dad for Katy Perry’s choreographer.

But Julie had seen all that, had seen her rise to popularity, while she couldn’t sing a note (oh god she COULDN’T sing a note) and still couldn’t even bring herself to be mean to Carrie when coming up with a comeback to whatever snarky insult she had thrown at Julie.

Because Julie is so much better than Carrie. Because Carrie is weak.

Most of the push back she had received had come from Flynn, ever the fierce protective best friend.

And oh, Flynn-

Carrie picks up a pillow and screams into it without making much of a sound.

Much later she falls asleep, still in her dress, exhausted.

Her father doesn’t come out of his room for the entire weekend.

-

The next time Carrie sees Julie after the concert is on Monday, in Music class.

She walks in, with Flynn by her side and she looks like she’s glowing. Carrie almost has the urge to shield her eyes.

Her gaze stays on the two girls long enough to see that they are excitedly discussing something and Flynn jumps up and down a bit like she’s just received the best news of her life.

It’s absolutely adorable and Carries vision dulls with jealousy and longing.

She looks away.

Mrs. Harrison divides them into pairs and gives them the task to write up a few lines of music combining their individual strengths to perform for the rest of the class.

Carrie is so focused on not looking at Flynn and Julie, who of course are working together, that she misses that Nick got stuck with her as a partner.

Her head snaps up when he plops down into the chair next to her with a sign. At Carrie’s startled face, he raises an eyebrow and then goes on to grab his notepad.

“Let’s just get through this, alright?”

Carrie is a mess. The whole class she fumbles with her things, can’t come up with anything with substance and she says sorry more times then she can count, almost like she’s trying to make up for all the times she didn’t say it before.

By the time Mrs. Harrison tells them to finish up, Nick looks at her with concern and Carrie is ready to bolt.

Flynn and Julie are up first to present.

Their song is fun and sweet with some singing and some rapping. They mess up their ending a bit, clearly not having finished in time and after they stumble through their final words they burst out into giggles.

Almost unwillingly a smile forms on Carrie’s face, until the girls in the front look up and at her, like they’re waiting for her scathing remark, and it drops, together with her stomach.
Carrie clutches her notes and looks down. Jesus, how did she manage to let it go this far, this low.

Her performance with Nick is way off and she tosses him one more “I’m so sorry” before she finally gives into the urge to flee the classroom. On her way out she feels multiple pairs of eyes on her but she doesn’t look back.

-

They’re having practice with Dirty Candy in the gym when she sees him for the first time.

From one moment to another he suddenly sits on the bleachers, even though Carrie could swear she didn’t notice anybody walking in.

She takes in his blond hair, pink shirt and black fanny pack in between two run-throughs. He looks familiar.

Once it’s time to call for a short water break, Carrie makes her way over to him.

“Hi”, she says, trying not to sound like she’s accusing him of something.

The guy startles and almost falls off the bench. “H-Hey”, he stutters, wide eyed and a bit confused.

Oh boy, was her face really that bad?

“I’m Carrie” She stretches out her hand, then thinks it looks dumb and pulls it back again.

“Alex”

Alex, apparently, seems to have calmed down a bit but he still clutches onto the strap of his fanny pack very tightly.

Then Carrie realizes where she has seen him before.

“Hey, you’re in the band with Julie, right? The drummer!”

“Um-ah-yeah, I am” It almost sounds like a question.

Carrie smiles, hopefully in a reassuring way. “Cool. I didn’t know you actually come here in person…”

Alex huffs a laugh, like he’s thinking of a private joke. “Yeah, yeah, I’m in town for a while”

“Nice”

After an awkward silence the boy lifts his head with a smile and gestures to the dance floor. “I like your moves. That routine looks like a lot of fun.”

Carrie decides that she likes this guy.

Meanwhile, the rest of her troupe is finishing up their break and Carrie hurries to get a sip of water after saying bye to Alex and telling him that he can stay as long as he wants to.

Once she meets up with the other girls on the dance floor, Kayla puts a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you alright? What were you doing up there?”

Carrie is confused.

“Yeah, it looked like you were talking to air”, Sofia says, with a slightly judgemental edge.

“What? No??”, is all that Carrie gets out. “Let’s just get back to practice.”

When she looks up, the boy on the bleachers has disappeared.

-

Back at home, Carrie’s dad apologizes profusely for neglecting her all weekend. He almost sounds like Carrie did in music class.

It doesn’t make things alright but Carrie acknowledges how good it feels to hear a sincere sorry from her father. She rarely gets one for his antics and to be honest she never thought she needed one but now- the feeling of sickness that she’s been fighting all day lessens.

They eat dinner together and talk, less music industry gossip and more regular family conversation. It’s nice, if a bit stilted.

Carrie’s dad still seems a bit off, staring into the distance for too long and looking over his shoulder too often. He seems- haunted, in a way.

But before she goes back into her room, he stands up and gives her a long hug.

“I love you, Carrie” and it sounds loaded with emotions.

“I love you too dad”, she says.

-

The next day, when Carrie arrives at school, Flynn and Julie are standing at the lockers. They look at her too often and whisper to themselves. Flynn makes a gesture towards her once while insistently whisper shouting something to Julie.

Carrie promptly drops her books, folders and papers she’s been holding in her arms.

Crap. She must look pathetic.

Frantically she starts collecting her stuff from the floor and is shocked to see Nick crouching down to help her.

He hands Carrie the musicology book that skidded away and she almost drops it again.

“Sorry- I’m sorry”, she isn’t even sure what she’s apologizing for this time.

Nick shakes his head.

“Carrie, stop. Don’t apologize.”

“Sorry”, she says and winces.

“Stop apologizing for things that don’t matter”, Nick sounds more forceful this time. “Start apologizing for the things that do matter” goes unsaid but Carrie hears it so loudly her ears ring.

Nick hands her one last paper while they stand up and leaves without another word.

When she looks to the locker she accidentally locks eyes with Flynn and looks away so quickly she almost gets whiplash.

“Come on”, she hears Julie say.

The hallways are empty and Carrie is late for her Spanish class.

-

She doesn’t see the mysterious blond boy again until Wednesday.

They had dance practice again. It was a good one, reminding Carrie of why she started this whole Dirty Candy thing.

Their new routine is energetic and exhausting and while she was jumping around and re-choreographing and flipping her hair, Carrie almost forgot about how bad she’s been feeling this entire week (this entire year).

There is something about absolutely giving it your all on the dance floor and in their last run through she hits all the beats and almost nothing compares to that feeling of satisfaction.

Carrie stays a bit longer to stretch out and the others are all long gone once she steps out of the gym with her dance bag slung over her shoulder.

That is when she spots Alex, slumped over in the gap between a pillar and the building.

Slowly she makes her way over to him and once she’s close enough she can hear his raspy frantic breaths.
Oh, panic attack.

“Hey”, Carrie says softly, almost like she’s talking to a wounded animal. “It’s Carrie”

Alex doesn’t respond or even look up but by the way his shoulders jump she knows he’s heard her.

She takes another step closer and crouches down a bit.

“You don’t have to talk” Her hand hovers awkwardly above his shoulder. “Can I touch you?”

Alex makes a sound that sounds like a sob and a choked laugh at the same time but frantically shakes his head.

“Alright. That’s okay.” Carrie sits down with her back against the wall opposite of Alex, with enough distance between them but not too far away.

“Can you answer me some things with thumbs up, thumbs down?”

She gets a Thumbs Up for that one.

“Can I call someone for you?”

Thumbs down and another sob.

“That’s okay. I can go a back inside if you need some time alone?”

A long pause, then: Thumbs down.

“Alright. Do you want me to talk?”

Alex just sucks in a breath at that and can’t seem to let it out again.

“Okay, okay” Carrie talks even more softly now. “Can you blow out some air for me? Just like you’re blowing out a candle?”

The boy opposite her lets out a weak breath of air and immediately sucks in his breath again. Better than nothing.

“Great!” she praises. “One more time?”

They breathe like this for a while, blowing out imaginary candles together until Alex’ shoulders relax a bit and his intakes of air aren’t as sharp anymore.

Carrie lets him calm down in silence after that and a few minutes later he lifts his head, tears already drying on his face and leans backwards, closing his eyes.

He looks dead exhausted.

Carrie scoots a little closer.

“Sorry”, Alex whispers.

“Nah, don’t apologize.” Carrie shakes her head. “I chose to come over here. If anything, I’m sorry, if I overstepped.”

“It’s fine” He opens his eyes again to look at her. “You were really good at handling this.”

Carrie laughs, and it feels almost bitter. “Yeah, my dad gets panic attacks sometimes, so I kind of know how to deal with them through him, I guess.”

“Your dad gets panic attacks?”

Carrie can’t decipher what that tone of surprise means but she decides to give him a pass, considering the state he’s in.

“Yeah, his… well something bad happened to him when he was younger and he still struggles a lot.”

“Something bad?”

Again, a weird tone in that question.

“It’s not really my place to tell. Just- people that he loved died and he never really recovered from it”

Alex eyes her intently for a moment. “And you’re the one who deals with his panic attacks?”

“Yeah. My mom taught me a few things when I was a kid before… well now I’m pretty much a pro at dealing with freak outs. Someone else’s freak outs. My own- not so much.”

Alex chuckles.

“You know, Julie told me about you”

Suddenly Carrie feels a bit cold. Alex must have seen a change in her face because he rushes on:

“Oh um, she told me you guys used to be friends?”

“We were” Carrie smiles.

“What changed?”

And maybe it’s because she stills feels sorry for him, or maybe because she’s been waiting to let it all out or maybe just because he’s a really good listener but Carrie decides to tell him the truth.

“I did.” She pauses and Alex raises an eyebrow.

“Julie and I were best friends, from the day we were born all the way through middle school. We didn’t go to the same school back then but our parents were friends. Or really, my dad and Rose –that’s Julie’s mom, were friends. They came over all the time and we were at their place the rest of the time. Rose and Dad made a lot of music together and Julie and I joined in once we were old enough.”

Carrie gets lost in the memories and has to force herself to continue.

“I was always a bit jealous of Julie. I mean, you know her, she’s amazing and I’m… not the best person. And her family was so- perfect. I don’t know if you ever met her dad but Ray is so kind and attentive and Rose… Rose was just the best. My mother left when I was seven, so Julie’s mom kind of became my mom as well.”

She looks up at Alex, who looks inexplicably sad.

“Then came high school. I always had some school friends but none that I was really close to. Julie was the only one I really could talk to. So I begged my dad to let me go to Los Feliz with her.
That’s where I met Flynn”

She sighs.

“I was a bad friend. I got really jealous, of Flynn, because Julie was my best friend and my music partner but then I find out that they’ve been best friends since elementary as well.”

She laughs and almost chokes on it.

“I guess I was also jealous of Julie because Flynn is really, really pretty. And she made me really, really nervous and I didn’t know how to deal with that so I just got really, really mad at her.”

Alex laughs, but it’s a kind sound.

“So I distanced myself. And then Julie’s mom died” Carrie takes in a shaky breath. She is NOT going to cry right now. “I didn’t even find out until five days later and I couldn’t…I couldn’t handle it. I overworked myself, I never slept, anything to avoid my feelings and I didn’t want to see anyone because I was really ashamed”

A tear rolls down her face. Damn it.

“But we had this little performance coming up, Julie Flynn and I, that we had planned months and months before and Rose had made us matching dresses and god, I didn’t even know that Julie stopped doing music after what happened because I showed up, ready to go but Flynn and Julie never came.”

She presses her eyes shut. This is the most horrible part.

“So I went to their house and said some pretty mean things. And yes, I felt embarrassed because I didn’t know what was going on and I was cranky because I hadn’t slept in a week but also- I’m just a really shitty person. Flynn threw me out, called me a human demon I think and that was it”
They sit in silence for a minute. Carrie barely dares to look up. Then her phone chimes and she looks at the screen to see that her dad has texted her.

“I got to go”, she says and hoists herself up. As she leaves she hears Alex call after her.

“Carrie!”

She turns around again.

“Bye. And thank you. For helping me. You can’t be that much of a shitty person if you talk a random stranger through a panic attack”

Carrie smiles, despite herself.

“Bye Alex, take care. And feel free to join us at practice sometime”

-

Carrie knows she has to start apologizing.

She feels weird about it. How can she explain herself to the people she hurt when she doesn’t even understand what changed in the last week?

Carrie is still tough, still sharp and biting, that much is clear. She can still snap at a bunch of ridiculous lacrosse players or be a merciless instructor in rehearsal.

But she also feels fragile and shaken, like something has broken inside of her and she still doesn’t know if that’s bad or good.

The first person she prepares an apology for is Nick.

She buys him flowers, because she knows he loves flowers, he always got her some but she never returned the favour.

She spends hours researching the meaning of different types of flowers and feels ridiculous later but she still chooses a bunch of yellow roses at the shop which, as she now knows, represent friendship and new beginnings.

The roses in one hand and a stack of note cards in the other, Carrie shows up at Nick’s front porch and rings the door bell.

While she waits for someone to open up she looks around.

The garden is familiar. So is the house. They’ve hung out at her place more often but she has still been here a couple of times. She always liked it. Like Nick himself, his home had a certain calm to it.

The door swings open and Carrie finds herself confronted with her ex-boyfriend.
“Carrie!”, he exclaims, clearly surprised. “With…flowers?”

Carrie needs a second to find her voice again.

“Hi Nick”

She almost expects him to turn her away but she should’ve known his character better. Before she even has a chance to start justifying why she’s here, Nick swings the door wide open and gestures for her to come in.

Like always, Carrie discards her shoes at the door and follows Nick up the stairs to his room. It’s automatic but strange at the same time.

Once they’ve arrived, she almost throws the flowers at him. “Here. For you”

Nick takes them wordlessly and disappears into the bathroom for a second to find a bright plastic cup with water to put the roses in.

“Um-“ Carrie speaks into the awkward tension. “They- it means-they mean friendship and-“

“-and new beginnings, I know” For the first time that afternoon, Nick’s smile reaches his eyes.

Carrie remembers her note cards.

“Dear Nick”, she reads off of them. That sounds stupid, why did she out that on there.

“I came here to apologize.”

Nick looks like he’s suppressing a laugh and sits down on his bed. “Okay”

Carrie takes a deep breath and reads on.

“I’m sorry. I can’t say that enough. I like to think our relationship wasn’t all that bad but I’m still sorry, for dragging you into my drama, for ordering you around and for not respecting your boundaries after you broke up with me. But most of all-“ now she’s actively avoiding to look up at Nick, “-most of all I’m sorry for using you, for being in a relationship with you even though I really like you more as a friend, just so I could lie to myself and everybody else, so that I could keep pretending that I was something that I don’t really am.”

She gasps after getting all of that out in one breath.

“Carrie”, Nick says.

She doesn’t look up.

“Carrie”, he insists and Carrie can hear him patting his bed for her to sit down. She does.

“Carrie, hey, hey-“
He sounds too nice. Carrie finally looks up. She feels like she owes him that much.

Nick’s eyes are full of humour but also kind and warm.

“Thank you for your apology. I accept it. And I forgive you”

Carrie feels some tension leave her body. She feels like she doesn’t deserve the forgiveness but god does it feel good to hear it from Nick.

“I don’t know what to say”, she stammers, fidgeting with her note cards. “I didn’t think I would get this far.”

Nick laughs. “That’s okay. I’m proud of you.”

Carrie smiles. “Thank you. But trust me, this is the easiest part.”

Nick nods sagely, like he knows exactly what she means. Maybe he does.

After a beat he looks up at her again.

“You have a crush on Flynn, don’t you?”

Carrie freezes. Then she buries her head in her hands.

-

At school Carrie watches.

She watches Nick hanging out with his buddies, talking to Julie in the hall and giving Carrie an awkward smile every morning.

She watches the other music people pour over their sheet music and chord notations, full of brilliant ideas.

She watches Julie, being kind to everyone, taking selfies with people who were star struck by the Orpheum performance, quietly playing melodies on the piano and pulling everyone’s focus to her without trying or even wanting to.

She mostly watches Flynn. Flynn tossing her braids over her shoulder in English class. Flynn raising her hand in music class, to answer a question. Flynn, dancing and laughing with Julie in the hallway. Flynn looking absolutely beautiful and radiant.

Flynn glaring at her from across the classroom.

Kayla asks her multiple times a day if she’s doing okay. The other Dirty Candy girls, if they’re even around, roll their eyes and tell Kayla to not even bother. They always thought Carrie was a little weird.

“She’s finally lost it”, Sofia mutters.

One thing Carrie notices is that Julie is on the phone in school a lot.

She hopes everything is alright. Maybe she misses her band mates, where ever they live.

Alex seems to be still around town though.

On Friday morning she spots Julie just outside the school, on her phone again, but this time, Alex is standing next to her. He seems to be involved in the call as well as he sometimes interjects.

He spots her a minutes later and Carrie gives him a small wave.

Alex waves back and at that Julie’s head snaps up and she eyes Carrie with wariness.

Carrie hurries inside.

In music class they have their weekly little performance round.

Usually Carrie loves it. Today she feels uneasy. Seasick. Blurry vision.

She’s up third. Unprepared, she sits down on the piano bench.

Acoustic music was never her forte. Simple, was never her forte. But she didn’t have the time or the energy to orchestrate a bubbly pop song this week.

The song sucks. She notices that only after stumbling through the first two bars
.
Her mind had been full of the need to apologize this week so the word sorry shows up to much in the lyrics. Her voice cracks a couple times. She almost punches the keys of the piano and get’s the notes wrong more often then right.

After she’s done, Carrie hurries back to her place. She wants to leave but only doesn’t because Nick puts a reassuring hand on her back.

Flynn and Julie’s performances are beautiful. So is Nick’s.

Towards the end, her band mates, who all aren’t in music, show up with a bunch of other students at the door to watch. They sometimes do that. Carrie is just glad they weren’t there while she was butchering her song.

The day’s performances close with Casey, a girl with dark hair and glasses, who plays the saxophone. She has to play after the bell went off and Carrie feels for her. The class is already getting a bit restless for their weekend.

Still the performance is good. Casey plays amazing and Carrie thinks she can vaguely recognize a King Princess Song in the arrangement.

At least the class claps a bit before they all jump up, with their things ready to go.

Carrie meets up with Kayla and the others at the door.

Sofia gestures towards Casey, who is still packing up her things.

“Hey isn’t that one like into Girls now or something?”

Bree shudders next to her.

“She was just looking over at us. That’s so creepy”

Carrie feels her whole body reel back like she’s been slapped. She thinks she can hear a gasp from the direction of where Nick, Julie and Flynn are still standing together.

“Shut the fuck up Sofia”, Carrie hisses through her teeth. She doesn’t know who looks more surprised at her outburst – the Dirty Candy Girls or Flynn and Julie.

Carrie flees to one of the dance studios in the gym complex.

-

Alex finds her there about twenty minutes later.

Carrie has been stupidly trying to practice a new choreography with a tricky floor part that she made up the other day and collapses on the floor, emotional and exhausted, when she spots Alex near the door.

Again, she didn’t hear him approach at all.

“Hey”, Alex says with a cautious smile. “Are you alright? You seem…upset.”

“Did Julie tell you that”, Carries snaps and winces immediately afterwards. She doesn’t know why that just jumped out.

But Alex just smiles a little wider. “I might have heard it from her. So, what happened?-If you want to talk, that is”

Carrie shakes her head and looks away. “Nothing. Just some homophobic idiots”

“Tell me about it”

Carrie looks up curiously.

Alex laughs. “My friends were great when they found out I was gay, but there were plenty of idiots around. My parents, for starters.”

“Oh,” Carrie says, and doesn’t know how to continue. “How long have you been out?”
“It feels like a long time” He laughs again, like he’s thinking of something funny that Carrie doesn’t know about.

“Sometimes”, she has to start over, “A lot of times I’m scared my father won’t be okay with me being, you know, a lesbian”

“He will be more than okay with it”, Alex says with conviction and a certainty that Carrie doesn’t understand.

They stare at themselves in the mirror.

“So… you’re overworking yourself to get away from your thoughts again?” Alex asks with a raised eyebrow.

Carrie huffs a surprised breath and hides her face in her hands.

“Hey. No judgement”, he continues, “Sometimes you gotta just not think about it. Or yell it out in an empty building”

It sounds like there’s a story behind that one.

Suddenly, Alex jumps up. “You wanna – dance it out?”

Nothing sounds better in that moment.

Carrie puts on her music again.

Alex is a great dancer and they somehow work together well. They even do a little part from the “All eyes on me” routine and when Alex flicks up Carrie’s hair and hypes her up, she finally can laugh freely again.

Everything is great until Carrie wants to give Alex a friendly shove to the shoulder and promptly falls through him and flat on her face.

“So-“, Alex says, fiddling nervously with the hem of his shirt, “-I’m a ghost?”

“Oh”, Carrie pushes herself up from the floor again, “Huh”

-

“I knew there was something about that hologram thing that was off”

“Really, that’s what you’re focusing on?”

They’re still sitting in the studio, the dancing and the music long forgotten.

“Sorry, sorry”, Carrie shakes her head. “This is just - a lot”

“I know, I know, pretty much everyone is overwhelmed at first when they find out”

Alex still seems a bit anxious and unsure, but also very amused.

“Who else knows?”, Carrie asks. She has so many questions.

“Just Julie and Flynn”

Carrie nods.

“I can’t believe I’m friends with a ghost”

The she catches herself. “I mean-“

“Carrie, relax.” Alex smiles reassuringly. “We are friends.”

Carrie settles again. A genuine friend. That’s nice. Even though he’s not a real human person.

Then the strangeness of the situation hits her again.

“I can’t believe you were in a band with my dad. That is so weird!”

“I know”, Alex laughs and then gulps.

“Just, for your information- we might have haunted your dad, a bit.”

“You did what?”

-

Over the weekend Carrie builds up her courage.

It’s not like she and her dad never talk about his past or emotional stuff but he’s always been a bit touchy about it.

He goes to therapy and meditates and is a bit eccentric but that’s that.

It’s not like he knows how lonely she’s been at school either.

They’re sitting at Sunday morning breakfast when she decides to tentatively reach out.

“So how are you feeling dad?”

“Great, why you askin’”, he mumbles into his coffee.

“Just because I- you seemed very upset after the concert at the Orpheum.”

“Oh no, no I was- I am fine, don’t worry about it”
The following silence is uncomfortable.

“Will you tell me about your band?”, Carrie asks finally.

Her father almost spills his coffee.

It’s not something she hasn’t asked before. She grew up on stories of her Uncles who are in heaven now and especially after her mom left, the only thing that would lull Carrie to sleep were tales of her father’s early music endeavours.

But that was a long time ago.

In the end, her father pulls out an old photo album. It’s not very full- “We didn’t take many pictures”- but it captures them all perfectly in their happiness and camaraderie.

“Did you ever play some of the band’s music again?”, Carrie asks after a while.

Her Dad suddenly shifts uncomfortably. “I- I did- I-“, he closes his eyes, “Most of my early songs that I published are Sunset Curve songs, written by-“ he points softly to the smiling front man in one picture “-Luke”

For some reason, Carrie isn’t even surprised.

“You sold his songs as your own?”

A silent nod.

“Why did you do that?”

Carrie’s father laughs bitterly. “I was sad. And lonely, hurt and angry at the world. And sad.”

He looks over to Carrie sadly.

“Don’t worry, Rose tore me apart for it, she didn’t talk to me for months after I signed that label contract.”

“How did she forgive you again?” Carrie’s voice is almost as quiet as a whisper.

How did he live with his mistakes? How did he get his friend back?

Her dad smiles fondly. “I wrote her a song. It was terrible but she said it’s the thought that counts. I told her the truth and she understood.”

He looks intently at Carrie. “Julie will understand too. The Molinas tend to be like that”

So maybe he has been paying more attention than Carrie thought after all.

-
The next week starts like the last one ended – bad and confusing.

Flynn and Julie keep sneaking not at all subtle glances at her or, and this one’s worse, outright staring, like they’re in a lacrosse game trying to figure out her next move.

Carrie guesses it’s because Alex told them that she knows about the whole ghost thing now.

It hurts a little bit but Carrie can’t fault them for being suspicious of her. She also doesn’t want to keep torturing them so after lunch she works up the courage to make her way over to the two best friends.

They look at her defensively when she arrives so Carrie takes a deep breath first.

“Don’t worry, I won’t spill your secret”, she says in a rush, trying very hard not to sound too prickly. Instead it just comes out as sad, which she isn’t happy with either.

She just catches Julie raising her eyebrows in surprise and Flynn’s choked “Oh-“ before the bell saves Carrie and she heads off to class faster than she’s ever hurried to an English lesson before.

It’s a bit later that day when Carrie is told the principal asked for her.

When she makes it to the office, Julie is already sitting there, an uncomfortable smile on her face.

“Ah Carrie!”, the principal beams with her usual cheeriness. “This won’t take long. I just told Julie that I thought it would be great if your two bands could play at the fundraiser function this week. It worked so nicely at the spirit rally, I’d like to repeat that – planned this time” She shot Julie a playfully stern look.

“We’d love to play the function”, Julie says, her smile more genuine now. Both of them now turn to look at Carrie and it takes her a second to realize that they’re waiting for her to confirm as well.

“Of course, I- we’re also glad to perform, thank you for this opportunity”

A practiced answer. Carrie was still too caught up in the fact that for a moment she had thought that when Julie said “we” it still included Carrie as well.

-

That night, after Carrie has spent the whole day working herself to the bone, both to fight against the nerves that are bubbling up about the looming performance and to ignore all the confusing feelings swirling in her gut, Carrie finds Alex, sitting criss cross one of the couches outside.

He seemes relatively fine so, after checking that her dad wasn’t around to see his daughter talking to thin air, Carrie makes her way outside to sit down next to him.

“Hi”

Alex raises his head. His face is calm and at peace, but his eyes are read like he’s been crying before.

“Hi Carrie. Sorry if I’m intruding-“

“-you’re not.”

Alex smiles at her.

“Are you alright? Did something happen?” Carrie tries to keep her voice low and calm, to not disturb the peaceful atmosphere that seemes to surround them at the moment.

Alex shakes his head. “It’s nothing, just – my… boyfriend, he’s in some trouble and it’s a lot to deal with sometimes”

“Oh?”

“He’s another ghost”, Alex explaines, “and he’s being controlled by this really awful magician dude who’s kinda like his boss”

“That – sounds like it sucks, I’m sorry”, Carrie says, scooting a little closer. “Is he going to be alright?”

“I hope so.” Alex lookes up with a grateful smile. “We’re trying really hard to help him, to get him out but… he thinks he doesn’t deserve it.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, when he tried to help us become visible to talk to Bobby-your dad, he kind of led us right to his boss, who tried to control us as well”

Carrie makes a confused face and Alex laughs.

“It’s a long story.”

“But you forgive him?” Carrie doesn’t know why she can’t say that word without her voice shaking anymore.

“Yeah”, Alex says, like he doesn’t even have to think about. “He didn’t- He had no idea what was going to happen. And- I love him” He lets out a deep breath. It sounds like this is the first time he said it out loud. Carrie’s eyes widen in surprise.

“I love him and I would follow him just about anywhere. Of course I forgive him.”

Carrie feels a heavy feeling in her stomach, almost like the seasickness is about to come back. But she also feels a warmth in her chest that is strangely comforting.

“Wow. It sounds like you have found something really special”, she says quietly.

“Thanks” Alex blinks down at his hands. “I’m sorry for rambling at you, it’s just… you know that your dad used to live where Julie lives now?”

Carrie nods.

“So we were always at Bobby’s place, because our studio was there and just, whenever I was overwhelmed, or stressed or needed to get away from everything else for I while, I went to Bobby. And today, everything at the studio was a bit too much and too loud so-“

“You went to Bobby”, Carrie whispers. It feels weird to hear her dad being referred to by his old name.

They look at the view in silence for a while.

“I know what he did to you guys, the music stuff I mean”, Carrie says quietly after a few minutes.

Alex huffs and nods gently. “Sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s okay”

After a bit more silence he turns to Carrie.

“Did he really just – forget about us?”

“He didn’t, he could never”, Carrie says with insistence.

She laughs softly. “When I was a kid, he used to tell me about you guys all the time. I heard all these crazy stories about my Uncles that were in heaven now. Dad always said I had more guardian angels than everyone else on this planet.”

They both have wistful smiles on their faces while they keep looking out onto the trees and the water.

A few hours later, when Carrie finally goes to bed, she opens her Instagram to see an abundance of likes and comments on the new post promoting Dirty Candies upcoming performance.

She also sees that the Julie and the phantoms page has posted as well.

On a whim, she reposts it in her story.

Just a few minutes later a reply from Julie comes in: “Thank you” and a purple heart.

-

Sometimes Carrie hates Mrs Harrison.

Actually, no she doesn’t. But it almost feels like she does when she looks at her music teacher standing in front of them at the end of class, announcing that there’ll be assigned partners for the next project and Carrie and Flynn have to work together.

When she looks to her left, both Flynn and Julie are already looking at her. Julie turns away quickly and pokes Flynn’s shoulder while saying something that Carrie can’t hear.

She can’t read Flynn’s face and decides that she doesn’t want to when she focuses back on packing her things in her bag. Her cheeks feel like they’re burning.

Suddenly Flynn is standing in front of her.

“Um...hey?”, Carrie says, gripping her pencil case tightly.

“Hi” Flynn says and Carrie can see the beginnings of her beautiful, beautiful smile. “Sooo – the project?”

“Oh” Carrie curses herself for how stupid she sounds, “um we can totally ask Mrs Harrison to change partners, that’s totally fine with me if you don’t want to work with me I mean if you wanna work with someone else-“

“Carrie” Flynn stops her word vomit with the steadiness she always has. “Do you want to change partners?”

“I- um-no?” Again, why can’t she just speak normally?

“Cool”, Flynn says and nods. “We can start planning what to do sometime later this week”

“Yeah”, Carrie chokes out.

Someone jostles her shoulder and Carrie looks to her side to see Nick with a teasing smile. Damn him, always figuring her out.

When she looks back at Flynn, she can see apprehension build in the girl’s eyes.

“Okay, so, I’ll see you around”, Carrie rushes out.

Flynn, who seems mostly confused, tosses out a “Bye!” before joining Julie who has been waiting at the door.

Carrie looks around for Nick but it seems like he has left already. She heads into the hallways by herself.

-

When in school Carrie keeps to herself. Sometimes she has lunch with Nick, sometimes she hangs around with Kayla. Sometimes Hallie says hi to her in the hallways.

She only sees Sophie and Bree in rehearsals. They’re practicing for the upcoming function and Carrie slips easily into the role of the harsh dance coach, the dry rehearsal director.

It’s awkward but at least she was never too attached to their friendships.

One time Julie smiles at her before class and she feels like she’s floating for the rest of the day.

At home, Carrie sorts through old photos, cries a lot, sleeps very little and writes bad music.

She hangs up her old colourful fairy lights again and tunes her acoustic after months and months of abandoning it.

She jams with her dad and rolls her eyes at his erratic behaviour. She sees him hang up a picture of sunset curve and tells him she’s proud of him. Her dad starts crying and Carrie passes rolling her eyes for giving him a hug.

Then, Flynn sends her a message with a reminder that they should start a short outline for their project this week.

Carrie reads it while she sits in a café (the café, as in the eats and beats café) waiting for her dad to finish up a casual meeting at another table so without thinking she tells Flynn to stop by. Then she freaks out.

When Flynn texts her that she’s five minutes away, Carrie gets up to order another tea to calm her racing heart. Not that she has any hope that it will work but while she’s at the counter she might as well get something for Flynn as well.

It’s the least she can do.

Flynn seems surprised by the cup of cinnamon hot chocolate when she enters the café and drops her music binder on the table in front of Carrie.

“Someone else sitting here?”

“No”, Carrie has to clear her throat, “No that’s for you actually”

Flynn’s surprise grows, even more so when she takes a sip. “Hey this is actually with cinnamon; I can’t believe you remembered that I always drink this stuff!”

Carrie pretends to be very interested in her notes. On a second thought, maybe it was a bit of a creepy move to order Flynn’s favourite drink. Like she could ever forget…

“So what do you have in mind?”, she changes the topic abruptly.

Flynn leafs through her binder. “So I know the task doesn’t give us a lot of freedom, I mean there’s only so much you can do when rearranging a classical music piece but I thought we could make something really cool by going totally dance pop, maybe a bit of electro swing vibes as well though and a good beat and-sorry”, Flynn looks up from her notes “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”
Carrie is suddenly painfully reminded of those scared looks in class.

“No, it’s alright, please, go on”, she says quietly. She could listen to Flynn for hours if she’d let herself.

Flynn softens ever so slightly and takes a sip of her hot chocolate. “So I was thinking moonlight sonata, I know you love moonlight sonata…”

They start mapping out what they need and by the time Carrie’s dad is finished and ready to leave the girls have a solid plan for a producing session.

Back at home, Carrie lies in her bed with closed eyes and waits for the flutter in her chest to calm down.

Sure, the conversation was awkward and stilted at times and entirely focused on their project. But it’s something.

-

Carrie feels ready to throw up from nervousness. Any sense of calm that she might have had the days before went out the window the second she stepped into the gym the day of the fundraiser function.

The walls are decorated and there are a few booths set up but her eyes are immediately pulled to the stage.

She is supposed to go on that stage today.

The thought is more daunting than ever. A look to the flyers confirms the set list. First up is Julie and the Phantoms with “Flying Solo” and then Dirty Candy with “Whatever I want”.

Whoever designed the Flyers made both of the band name the same size and same amount of doodles but Carrie knows – she just knows Julie is the main attraction here.

How could she not be, with her killer voice and endless talent? Not to mention heartfelt lyrics and a band that is quite literally out of this world.

It made her look bad enough already when Julie continuously upstaged her the previous times but now? She has to go on after the most beloved band of the school. Carrie shudders. Her performance will never live up to theirs.

Oh how much of a letdown Carrie is.

And now, that all the viciousness and jealousy is drained out of her she has nothing to hold onto when staring into the pit of insecurity and fear.

On stage Julie appears and the small crowd that’s already there starts cheering.

Julie smiles and gives them a small wave while she starts setting up her keyboard and mic.

When Carrie looks to the back of the gym she spots Flynn setting up the fake hologram technology. She still doesn’t know how everyone just never questions that story. But then again the truth is so surreal; no one could ever come up with that by themselves.

Flynn looks beautiful, with her galaxy skirt and shiny jacket, Carrie has to tear her eyes away.

She checks her pink wig again and straightens her tracksuit jacket. The she holds her arms tightly around her stomach. Seasickness.

After going through the tech with Jamie, the sound guy and setting up her microphone and backup music, Carrie can see Julie talking to Alex.

She guesses the rest of the band is there as well because she sometimes leans onto seemingly nothing or gestures at the empty space in between the drummer and Flynn.

Carrie fiddles nervously with a Flyer she picked up. Then Alex suddenly disappears and suddenly stands next to Carrie, making her jump.

“Oh frick- don’t scare me like that!”, she whisper shouts.

Alex chuckles. “You nervous?”

“No I’m not nervous”, Carrie snaps and regrets her tone instantly. When she looks down she has torn the Flyer in half, right through “Dirty” and “Candy”.

Alex pulls the pieces from her hands and lets them float to the floor. “Do you get Stage Fright a lot?”

Carrie shakes her head. “Not anymore. I used to a lot when I was younger.” She chuckles. “Can you imagine that? Trevor Wilson’s daughter being nervous to perform.”

Alex’ soft “I can actually” pulls her out of a new self deprecating spiral.

“It’s just today.” Carrie sighs. “It’s no easy task, performing after you guys. Gotta be a bit of a disappointment for the audience.”

Alex looks confused for a second but then his head snaps up like he heard someone call his name. He probably actually did because he smiles at Carrie apologetically.

“I gotta go back to the others. But good luck out there, you’re gonna kill it.”

Then he’s back to Julie’s side in a blink. Carrie locks eyes with her and instinctively does something she hasn’t done in about a year. She crosses her finger clearly visible for Julie and knocks them against the side of her head three times. It used to be their way of wishing each other good luck from opposite wings of the stage or across a loud room.

Julie startles but then reciprocates the gesture. The feeling of Seasickness calms down a bit.
Then someone taps Carrie on the shoulder and she whirls around to see Kayla and the other girls all dressed up for the performance.

A bit of a weight drops off of Carrie’s shoulder. Somehow she was scared they wouldn’t show up.

“What were you doing earlier? It looked like you were talking to an imaginary person or something”, Bree asks, making Carrie’s blood freeze.

“Yeah”, Sophia adds, “It looked weird”

Carrie lets out a giggle that she hopes doesn’t sound too fake. “Oh you know when you act out an argument in your head and you get way too into it?”

Kayla genuinely laughs at that, bless her. The others just stare.

Luckily, Carrie is saved from further embarrassment by their principal on stage, announcing the start of the performance. All eyes are to the front when Julie enters from the wings and sits down at the keyboard.

“Hi”, she says into the microphone. “We’re Julie and the Phantoms and this is Flying Solo”

She smiles at Flynn, who is standing in the front of the crowd and starts with a marimba beat on the drum pad attached to the keyboard.

When she starts playing the first piano chords and singing the first lyrics, a wave of cheers rolls through the audience. Carrie is almost knocked off her feet by nervousness.

Sophia and Bree are whispering something behind her but Carrie can’t hear them.

The song is really good, like all of Julie’s songs are. Her smile can be heard even in her warm voice and her eyes sparkle with mirth.

It’s clear that this song is about Flynn.

Carrie feels the jealousy creeping back in and wills it away. She wanted to be past this, why isn’t she past this!

Then the chorus kicks in and with it the entire band appears on stage. It has the same effect as always, except that now, Carrie is momentarily distracted from her crisis by being amused about the fact that Alex can move his entire drum kit during his ghost teleportations.

Is his a part of his soul stored in the bass drum or how does this work?

Julie has the entire crowd dancing. They look like they’re having so much fun on stage too.

Julie hops around with the bass player, turns around to grove with Alex and sings with the lead guitarist who she seems to have a special bond with.

And again, after swallowing her jealousy, all that Carrie has left is sadness and fear.

The song is a happy one and Kayla is tapping her toe next to her but all Carrie can think about is that Flynn managed to be there for Julie and Carrie wasn’t.

And the fact that the crowd is absolutely loving this and Carrie has to go on stage in less than a minute now. She’s worked hard, they all worked hard but will it be enough?

Probably not. It never is.

Julie’s song ends on a soft note, with her back at the keyboard and showcasing her beautiful head voice that Carrie never could get over, even back when they were only middle schoolers. After a moment of silence the audience erupts into applause.

If they weren’t standing already, they probably would be out of their seats now. Carrie would too. She’s so stunned that she misses their cue and Kayla has to pull her up on stage.

When she looks out into the expectant faces in the crowd, Carrie almost chokes. Almost. She’s done this a million times already after all. Instead she flips her fake hair and puts her hands on her hips. “Hi everyone! Let’s continue having a good time!”

She gives a nod to Jamie and her beats start filling the gym.

The song starts out fairly well. They practiced so much this week; Carrie could do this with her eyes closed.

But her voice feels a bit unsteady and her dancing – she feels like she has lead in her stomach weighting her down. It’s a fight more than a good routine.

Suddenly she hears a whoosh behind her and when does a turn it takes all she has in her not to jump mid word when she sees that Alex has appeared in the middle of their group.

He gives her a blinding smile and does a turn to match her.

Carrie takes a breath and launches into the chorus.

And Alex is right there with her not unlike during their dance jam, back when Carrie had no idea that he could walk right through her like he does now.

They jump and smile at each other and Alex joins in to her whaacking solo during the bridge.

Carrie almost laughs when he mouths along “whatever I want, whatever I need” with her while snapping his fingers at her moves.

She doesn’t even notice the song going by and when they receive their applause in the end, Carrie says a genuine “Thank you” for once.

-

The evening comes to an end in a calm, slow manner.

Most of the students are leaving now, walking away in groups or with their parents, chattering with a tired residue of excitement.

Carrie breathes in the chill night air and looks up at the stars. Kayla and Nick have been picked up by their parents so she’s all alone now. After the rollercoaster of this evening, all Carrie wants to do is fall into her bed and sleep.

She hears familiar voices and spots Julie and Flynn leaving the gym arm in arm. Julie is gesturing wildly with the hand that isn’t resting on her best friend’s shoulder and Carrie suddenly is hit with an intense wave of longing.

She looks away just in the right moment to see Alex appearing next to her. He seems to be buzzing with happiness.

“Hi”, Carrie greets him.

“Hey” Alex passes his elbow through her arm, like he’s trying to bump it.

Carrie laughs. “Thanks again for coming onstage with me.”

Alex smiles kindly. “Oh that wasn’t me, just my feet! They needed to dance!”

They dissolve into giggles.

“Really though.” Carrie sobers up again. “It helped me. A lot.”

“Don’t worry”, Alex says, and it sounds like he really means it. “I did have a lot of fun too. We should be glad that I didn’t suddenly become visible like all of us did when we did the same thing for Julie.”

At that, Carrie’s eyes stray back to the two girls standing a few feet away. They’re in deep conversation and Flynn has her head in her neck, gazing at the stars with the softest smile on her face.

Her expression must have given her away because Alex suddenly sounds much more serious and quiet.

“Why don’t you go and talk to them?”

Carrie shakes her head, looking down at the ground.

“I don’t- I hurt them, both of them a lot. I wouldn’t know what to say, to apologize and I don’t even know if I deserve to be heard out.”

Alex looks like he might start protesting but Carrie chuckles and runs a hand over her face.

“When I was a kid I used to mess up so much and Julie would always say that it’s okay. But now I’ve hurt her and I’m too far gone.”

She looks over to Alex, who suddenly looks very sad. “You say that a lot. That – when I was a kid.” He starts messing with the zipper of his fanny pack. “You know, you are still a kid. And you’re still allowed to learn sometimes.”

Then, he teleports away.

-

The week end following the fundraiser function, Carrie starts making plans.

She still feels unsteady, blurry, scared but she feels like Julie and Flynn both deserve an apology, even if they might not ever want to talk to her again.

Her father isn’t around so she has the entire mansion to herself to wander around and break down occasionally. Most of her time she spends on her laptop, going through old pictures, or with her notebook going through old song ideas.

It’s difficult and it feels like all the pain Carrie has been ignoring or pushing away now hits her in full force. At 2pm she is laying curled up on the couch, sobbing into a pillow. At 2am she is a little bit delirious but also as ready as she’ll ever be.

Julie’s number isn’t in her phone anymore so Carrie sends her a message on Instagram:

“Hi Julie. Could you meet me at my place in the morning so we can talk? Only if you want to! I promise to make you some coffee.”

Carrie adds and erases a pink heart at the end about five times, then decides to leave it out.

She figured inviting herself to Julie’s place would be obtrusive. Here Julie can just get up and leave anytime she wants to. Besides, Carrie doesn’t know if she’s ready to be in the Molina home again.

The unanswered message gives her anxiety and she spirals a bit until she remembers that normal people probably sleep at 2am.

To stop her mind from wandering, Carrie tries to occupy herself by strumming nonsense on her guitar, brushing her teeth, burning a batch of cookies and brushing her teeth again after eating three of said cookies.

She braids her own hair like her mother and later Julie used to do for her but she isn’t as good and it looks messy and bumpy. When she looks in the mirror she almost recognizes herself again.

At around 4am, Carrie passes out on the couch and wakes up to the doorbell with her face smushed and tear tracks dried on her cheek.

When she rushes to check the security camera and sees that it’s Julie waiting outside the gate she almost cries again. She waits by the door for the gate to open and Julie to make her way to her.

“Hi”, Julie is wringing her hands. “No climbing this time!” Then she spots Carries face and flinches a bit. “What happened? Are you okay, what do you need to talk about?”

If Carrie wasn’t so nervous she would’ve laughed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Come in, I’ll make you that coffee I promised”

Julie gingerly steps into the entrance and pointedly ignores the mess that Carrie made by the couch.

“I answered your message but you didn’t read it, I think. I hope it’s okay that I came anyways.”

“Of course” Carrie busies herself with the coffee maker. “Sorry, I was sleeping until now… Thank you for coming.”

When she has the cup ready and brings it over, Julie is softly brushing the strings of Carrie’s guitar. “I thought you didn’t play anymore.”

“I didn’t”, Carrie says. Julie raises a curious eyebrow but Carrie ignores it in favour of pulling out the scrapbook she prepared the night before.

There’s a seriousness settling in the air. “Why did you want to talk to me?” Julie says, probably sensing it.

Carrie takes a deep breath. She can do this. She’s done this before.

“I wanted to apologize. I’ve been awful to you. I’m trying, really trying to be better and I didn’t mean any of what I said to you. I was jealous and deluded and - there really is no excuse. So. Sorry. You didn’t deserve any of what I did to you. And I’m sorry for abandoning you too.”

Julie looks very shocked. Carrie grips the scrapbook tighter. For a second she worries that it’s not good enough but then she recalls her father’s words – it’s the thought that counts. She shoves it towards Julie.

“I made you this. And not to, like, buy back your friendship or whatever and – I don’t know, I’m just really sorry and I wanted to do something for you…” She trails off when Julie opens the book.

The first page already is filled with Baby pictures and recent pictures of them.

“Oh Carrie”, Julie breathes. “This is – “ She turns the pages to reveal more collages Carrie made, full of butterfly stickers and picture prints and lyrics or chord progressions they worked on together. There are also some lyrics that Carrie wrote down in the past year, too painful to ever say out loud, let along write a melody to.

All of a sudden she feels self conscious. “You can throw it away, or burn it if you want to, if you hate it.” – If you hate me.

Julie looks almost offended at that and clutches the book to her chest, almost like she’s hugging it –hugging Carrie. “Why would I do that? I love it!”

“I-Okay, that’s…good.” Carrie fiddles with her braids that probably look disastrous by now.

“Thank you”, Julie says with her usual warm sincerity. “For apologizing. I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that.”

Carrie nods and looks down. She regrets not making herself a cup of coffee as well.

“Hey” Julie sounds as kind as ever. “I recognized more of you again the last few days.”

“Me too”, Carrie says and her throat suddenly feels very tight and then Julie is hugging her and she’s kind of crying again.

“It’s okay”, Julie says, because of course she does. “It’s okay”

Later, Carrie goes to wash her face and Julie makes them both another cup of coffee.

“For the record, I was ready to forgive you the instant you didn’t tell anyone about my band mates being ghosts”, Julie says when they sit down at the table this time.

“Really?” Carrie still feels a little dazed.

“Yeah but Flynn wasn’t having it. You know how she is.”

“Yes, I know”, Carrie says quietly. “I want to apologize to her too.”

“Oh, that’s great!” There’s a glint to Julie’s eyes that Carrie can’t decipher. “Another scrapbook?!”

“Actually, I might need your help on this one”

-

In the evening that day, Carrie is gripping her guitar tightly and Julie is basically pushing her up the steps to Flynn’s house.

Carrie feels like the floor is shifting under her because she’s so nervous. She settles on the bench that Flynn’s parents have put on their front porch while Julie rings the doorbell.

Of course Flynn knows they are coming, Carrie had texted her to ask her and Julie had stepped out to call her and Flynn said it was fine but still, Carrie worries she might change her mind.

The door opens and Flynn steps out to give Julie a tight hug before giving a small smile to Carrie.

“Guitar? I didn’t expect that!”, she exclaims in a light tone that makes Carrie simultaneously more relaxed but also more nervous.

“Um, yeah, I hope that’s okay”, Carrie murmurs.

Julie looks from one to the other with a blinding grin. “I’m gonna go nap in your room Flynn and leave you two too it”

Once she’s disappeared inside Flynn sits down on the other side of the bench to face Carrie.

“So Julie told me you made her this big apology?”

“Yes” Carrie wants to look down, hide her face but she can’t tear her eyes away from the girl in front of her. “- Kinda. But- I wanted to apologize to you too. I’m so sorry for all the things I said and I did and I- Words can’t express how sorry I am so… this is for you.” Then she starts playing.

It’s a song made out of fragments that have been floating around in Carrie’s head for months, even before she met a ghost, before the revelation at the Orpheum, feelings she had even before everything fell apart, when Carrie was just a little bit of a mess and mad that her best friend’s best friend could make her feel such warm feelings. And Julie’s strong but gentle song writing skills pulled it all together that day.

It’s not a long song or spectacular and Carrie’s fingers shake while plucking the strings softly. She’s pretty sure that the nervousness she feels is evident in her voice but then she looks up during the first chorus, while singing “I didn’t know, how to deal with it, though-“, and Flynn smiles at her so fondly that everything seems alright.

“You deserve better, than I could ever, be- you mean the world to me”

Carrie tries to put all of her emotions into this little, fragile song. She’s pretty sure there are tears in her eyes again and at the line “I wish we could go back to, looking at the stars, I wish I could tell you, how wonderful you are” Flynn tears up as well.

With a careful strum, Carrie finishes up the song and doesn’t dare to breathe for a second.

Flynn sniffs. “That was… How dare you, making me all emotional here!”

“Sorry”, Carrie says, more sincerely than she wants to and suddenly she can’t stop, even when Flynn pulls her in for a hug. “Sorry, sorry, sorry-“

“It’s alright now”, Flynn says and Carrie starts crying again. Flynn grips her tightly by the shoulders. “It’s alright”

They breathe together for a minute. Then Flynn says “I forgive you” and Carrie feels like she’s come up out of the water for air.

“I forgive you” Flynn says again. “Sorry I called you a demon so much too”

Carrie chuckles but buries her face in her hands.

“I deserved it. I’m a horrible person. I thought you’d hate me forever.”
“Hey” Flynn bumps her forehead against Carrie’s temple that’s still hidden by her fingers.

“If it makes you feel better, I was ready to egg Julie’s window, when she didn’t tell me about the guys.”

That startles a laugh out of Carrie and suddenly they’re both giggling, the tension draining from their shoulders.

Flynn reaches out to touch the acoustic in Carrie’s lap. “I didn’t know you made acoustic music as well.”

“Yeah it’s – that’s the style of music that I always wrote together with Julie.”

“It’s beautiful”, Flynn says and when Carrie looks up, she’s looking directly at her. Suddenly not being able to take the kind attention, Carrie turns away to busy herself with setting the guitar aside. When she turns back, Flynn looks like she’s in deep thought.

“So much has been changing”, she says.

“It has.” Carrie looks out into the evening sky. “It scares me.”

“Don’t be scared.” Flynn softly intertwines their fingers.

They stay like that for a long time. Julie deserves a long nap, Carrie argues in her head.

-

Bonds have been mended, apologies have been made, Nick, Julie and Flynn have said they forgive her. By all means, Carrie’s life should be good now, she should be good now.

She’s not.

For starters, Carrie has not had a good night’s sleep in weeks and she has been crying a lot. On Monday she starts her morning with a pounding headache that doesn’t lessen throughout the day.

And then there’s the fact that there is a long way from forgiveness to restoring a friendship so even though she’s on good terms with her old friends, Carrie still spends most of her day alone.

She feels off-centre and unbalanced and still the floor is moving under her feet, still these bouts of seasickness come over her.

At home things aren’t much better. Carrie’s father is more emotional and unstable than ever and she herself almost doesn’t dare to talk to him because the guilt of being able to talk to one of his dead best friends and not telling him is eating away at her.

It’s not Carrie’s secret to tell and she promised Julie she wouldn’t but it takes everything in her not to snap when she sees her dad sobbing over a chord sheet at four in the morning.

Insomnia runs in the family, she guesses.

Carrie tries to recreate the eerie calmness she felt the week before, while she was diving headfirst into changing her life but nothing works.

Not more baking not throwing out half of her wardrobe not choreographing three new dances not playing the guitar in a dark room that’s only illuminated by her fairy lights.

A dam has been broken and now Carrie feels like grief and confusion are pouring out of her eyes and her fingers. She doesn’t know who she is anymore. Not the person she was in the past year, that’s for sure but she also can’t go back to who she was before.

There haven’t been any Dirty Candy rehearsals recently. Carrie can’t look Sophia and Bree in the eyes anymore. Just Kayla is loyal as ever, when she’s around and Carrie bakes her a batch of cupcakes because she is so grateful.

She’s still in the studio a lot just practicing by herself, or running herself down. She drinks coffee all day to handle the fact that she does not sleep.

Alex hasn’t been around school and Carrie just hopes he gets to spend some time with his boyfriend and that everything is alright. She tries to calm her worries by convincing herself that she’d find out if something was wrong.

So she goes on. She waves at Julie in the hallway, she smiles shyly at Flynn when they lock eyes, she bakes at night, she dances, she goes to class and tries to pay attention.

Things come to a breaking point a few days later.

Carrie doesn’t see her dad all morning and when she leaves later on she isn’t wearing a sweater because there aren’t any left of the one’s she hasn’t impulsively donated. She’s cold.

School is a mess. Carrie gets a test back that she didn’t do too well on and that alone used to be enough to ruin her day. Then Sophia, Bree and Hallie corner her in between classes to pressure her into asking her dad for another opportunity to perform and somehow Kayla seems to agree with them.

It’s all too much and Carrie locks herself in the bathroom until her next class starts.

The last class of the day, of course, is music

Mrs Harrison reminds them of their assignment that Carrie almost forgot in the chaos that was the weekend. Flynn winks at her from across the room and it’s the best thing that has happened to Carrie today.

The lesson is about music and identity. Of course. Normally Carrie loves theory lessons and analyzing pieces of music, but not right now, not when she’s looking at her notes and doesn’t remember who the real her is and the four chord harmonic progression she scribbled down looks too simple and too foreign at the same time.

She manages to stay a solid 15 minutes and then Mrs Harrison says “The better you know yourself, the better your music will be” and Carrie almost breaks down right there on the spot.
She raises her hand to ask to be excused before almost running out of the music room and ends up outside, freezing and sobbing into her hands.

A month ago, Carrie would’ve turned around and thrown this feeling at everyone who stood in her way. She would’ve snapped at Kayla, she would’ve tried to bring people down; she would’ve done everything to not feel so small.

Now she does nothing, she just cries. Past Carrie would’ve been mortified.

Well, she thinks, past Carrie was a bit of a bitch.

The cold is slowly seeping into her and Carrie wraps her arms around her knees and lays her head down. She just feels tired, so, so tired.

Suddenly, there’s warmth wrapping around her. It’s Flynn, who’s currently draping her cosy cord jacket over Carrie’s shivering shoulders. The soft lining is the best feeling in the world and Carrie gratefully slips her arms into the sleeves.

“Hey there”, Flynn says softly, slipping down the wall with her back to sit down as well. “You seemed pretty out of it today.”

Carrie is surprised she noticed, but then again, Flynn is perceptive, she always notices.

“Yeah, I- sorry, I just couldn’t-“

“Don’t worry”, Flynn says and puts her arm around Carries shoulders. “I’m here now. I got you”

“I’m tired.” Carrie softly leans into the hug.

“That’s okay”

When Carrie’s arms start to tingle from warming up, Julie steps out of the building.

“Hi guys”, she says, shoving her phone into her back pocket. “I called my dad, he’s gonna come pick us up.”

“Oh.” Carrie forgot how wonderful it felt to be loved by Julie Molina. “You didn’t have to-“

“I wanted to.” Julie smiles at both of them and Flynn waves at her to come closer without ever letting go of Carrie.

Julie jumps to crouch down behind them and smushes her face next to Flynn’s, chin on Carrie’s temple.

“Why weren’t you wearing a sweater today, Carrie, it’s so cold.”
“I donated most of mine this week”, Carrie says, her voice still thick with tears.

Flynn laughs. “That sounds like you Care, I forgot how impulsive you are” She gets a light tap on the head from Julie for that.

“You’re one to talk, can I remind you of the time-“

“No, you cannot!”, Flynn interrupts and Carrie feels her friends laughter vibrating through her and warming her up from the inside.

Ray Molina arrives at the school faster than expected. He takes one look at Carrie and scrunches his face up in concern. “Alright everyone, let’s get you all home. Carrie – I called your dad he knows you’re gonna be at ours”

It’s almost like old times. They pile in the back seats, all three of them together and Ray scolds them to put on their seatbelts before they start driving back to the Molinas. Flynn holds Carrie’s hand the entire way and again after they have climbed out of the car.

Julie leads the girls into the studio where they find Alex sitting on the couch.

“Hey Julie and Flynn”, he calls and then looks up. “Oh hey Carrie!”

His smile drops when he sees her absolutely destroyed face. “Woah, are you alright? What happened?”

Of course, that makes Carrie cry again. The others let her sit down next to Alex and Flynn starts softly caressing her shoulder while Julie sits down criss cross on the floor.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Carrie hick ups once and tries to find her words.

“It’s just so much sometimes. Too much. I spent all this time trying not to feel anything but now I do and it’s all here suddenly and I don’t know how to deal with it and-“ she sniffs and takes a breath- “and I don’t- I don’t even know who I am I just feel so lost and-“

When Carrie stars sobbing again Julie stands up to hug her tightly.

“It’s okay”, she says and Carrie wants to believe her.

Alex scoots closer.

“It really is going to be okay. Give yourself some time. Deep breaths, blow out some candles”

Carrie huffs out a laugh.

“It does take time but one day you won’t feel so unsteady anymore”, Alex continues. “Let yourself grow into it. And we’re here for you until then – and even after – Julie, Flynn and me, we’re gonna be by your side now. You have nothing to worry about”

“Thank you.” Carries voice still feels shaky but the tears have ebbed again. Flynn brushes a strand of hair out of Carrie’s face and she can’t help but lean into it.

Then suddenly, she feels very embarrassed. “Wait; is anyone else here right now?”

Julie startles and then laughs. “Oh, the rest of the band isn’t here, just Willie.”

“My boyfriend”, Alex explains and points to his right. Carrie gives a small wave in that general direction.

“Hi Willie-Alex-boyfriend.”

They end up preparing Julie’s bedroom for a sleepover, and after eating dinner with Ray and Carlos, the three girls head up to settle into a mountain of pillows and blankets.

For a long time, they just talk. About old times about new plans. And Carrie tells them everything – the jealousy and the loneliness, the seasick feeling, how she’s never felt enough and like too much at the same time.

All she gets in return is kindness and love. And for the first time in weeks, Carrie falls asleep peacefully.

-

After the sleepover, the spell is somewhat broken and Carrie hangs out with her friends as much as she can.

They spend most of their time all three girls together, sometimes Alex tags along and sometimes Carrie just meets up with one of them after school. She hangs out with Flynn the most though but Carrie reasons that it’s because they’ve been planning their project together.

She doesn’t want to get her hopes up too much, after she’s just rekindled her friendship with the girls. Besides, for now she’s fine with staring at Flynn during study sessions and cherishing her warm hugs. And yes, maybe she wants to hold Flynn’s hand again and maybe even kiss her and maybe she wants to take Flynn out on dates and be her girlfriend, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

They’ve showed their first draft to Mrs Harrison, who seemed impressed. She also seemed like she knew exactly what had been going on when she pulled Carrie aside to tell her that she’s proud of her. Carrie’s voice was full of emotion when she thanked her teacher and she received a tight hug that made her throat close up.

Since they don’t have much left to do, Carrie is a little bit surprised when Flynn texts her to meet her at Eats n Beats but it’s Flynn so Carrie just puts on her favourite fluffy pink sweater and tells her dad she’ll be at the Café.
When she arrives, Flynn is already sitting at the table with two mugs, fiddling with her phone. Carrie can’t help but smile brightly when she spots her.

“Hi Flynn!” She slides into the chair and takes the cup offered to her. It’s a hot chocolate of course because Flynn has been trying to get her to drink less caffeine.

“Hey”

Flynn seems… on edge somehow and Carrie eyes her carefully. “What’s up?”

Her friend puts down her own cup and plugs a pair of earphones into her phone. “First of all: listen to this and tell me what you think.”

Carrie leans forward and accepts the ear buds. What she hears is the beginning of Flynn’s part of their project. There’s something about hearing her favourite piece of classical music adapted to be in her signature style of music, made by her favourite person. With butterflies in her stomach Carrie looks up to see Flynn softly smiling at her.

When the short audio clip is finished, Carrie hands back the ear buds. “That’s amazing Flynnie, I didn’t know you started already!”

Flynn grins, and looks relieved, for some reason. “I just wanted to show you what I had planned since we met up here for the first time”

Before Carrie is done deciphering that statement, Flynn has started rummaging in her bag and finally pulls a bracelet out from her wallet.

“I also wanted to give you this.”

Carrie is speechless. The bracelet is beautiful, a thin twist out of black and dark orange strands that holds a small moon shaped pendant in a muted pink. Flynn starts tying it around her wrist.

“Thank you”, Carrie says. “You shouldn’t have – This is beautiful – “

“Oh hush.” Flynn flicks her wrist before finishing up her knot. “You wrote me an entire song. You deserve this.” Her tone is meaningful, like they aren’t talking about the bracelet anymore.

“That’s- okay…”, Carrie says. She’s been spending too much time with Alex.

“Carrie.” Flynn places her hands flat on the table. “I’m gonna say something now and you have to promise not to interrupt me.”

“Alright”, Carrie promises, feeling her heart flutter in her chest. She has no idea where this is going to go.

“Okay, good.” Flynn takes a big breath. “So. Carrie. Care. I know you don’t think to highly of yourself and I know you think you’re this…unknowable person, and yes, maybe you’re figuring yourself out right now but I feel like I know you. I want you to know that I still know you. I know you had your first ballet class when you were 2 years old and now you feel like you always need to be the youngest in class. I know you’re ridiculously obsessed with music theory and that every song of yours is thought out so well because you know your shit. I know you like to put milk in your coffee but you don’t when there’s people you want to impress, I know you write down all the recipes you use from the internet and keep them in your kitchen like a grandma, I know you have your own shorthand for choreographing, I know you have playlists with classical and pop music mixed because you say they have ‘the same vibe’”, Flynn makes air quotes with her fingers on that one. “I know your favourite snack is frozen cherries, for some reason, and your comfort movie is Mamma Mia –“

“Flynn”, Carrie breathes, stunned.

“No!” Flynn holds up a finger. “You promised!”

Carrie bites her tongue. Her entire body feels like it’s shaking.

“So. I know you hate that people always have this picture of you and you’re tired of correcting people and having to live up to their expectations. I know that you want to be understood without having to explain yourself and I know that you hate it when people think they know you. So, sorry, I guess. I want you to know that you don’t need to fulfil any expectations with me. And I hope you don’t have to correct me on who you are because… I know you but I’m also not done getting to know you yet, I want to get to know you forever, I’ll never get tired of seeing more of you-“

Flynn presses her fingers over her eyes. “My point is. I like you. So much. I have had a crush on you since forever, such a huge crush that it made me really freaking angry until you came and surprised me like you always do – “, she breaks off and Carrie reaches out her quivering hands. She can’t believe what she just heard.

“Flynn.” She gently removes Flynn’s hands from her face to hold onto them. “Flynnie. I also like you, so much that I had no idea how to deal with it until I wrote you a song and you became my friend again.”

“I kinda hoped for that.” Flynn’s voice is shaking but she’s smiling. “But really?”

“Yeah, really”, Carrie says. Her cheeks hurt from how wide her smile is.

And then she’s leaning over the table and Flynn gives her a small nod and then they’re kissing. It’s short and sweet and a bit awkward but just right. Their fingers intertwine and Carrie doesn’t plan on letting go for a long time.

-

It turns out Alex is right and Carrie does feel a little less unsteady every day.

Flynn and her finish their project and show it to Mrs. Harrison and their class. They also tell both Nick and Julie that they’re dating now and they are delighted to hear it.

Carrie does a performance of a new choreography and song by herself, with only Kayla and Hallie. Alex participates in all of their rehearsals and Flynn is there to watch most of the time. She and Julie are the one’s cheering the loudest in the audience at the gig.

Carrie also quickly gets to add a few more bracelets to her cherished moon one. The letters on them spell out “FLYNN”, “JULIE”, “CARRIE” and after a few weeks they all make ones that say “ALEX” and “WILLIE” together.

There are rumours that Trevor Wilson is writing again. Carrie knows that’s true because they talked about it during family breakfast time, their newly established tradition. There, she also told her dad about Flynn and they both tear up while he thanks her for trusting and telling him.

Carrie goes to Flynn’s DJ gigs and they both go to Julie and the Phantoms concerts together. With Nick they’ve started calling themselves the “Fantoms” which Julie pretends to find ridiculous but Carrie suspects she secretly loves it. The band is better than ever and Julie soon invites Carrie to a rehearsal so she can properly meet Reggie and Luke.

They introduce themselves while strumming their instruments to a simple piano melody.

“It’s an honour to meet you, Carrie Wilson”, Luke says and Carrie laughs a bit at his weirdly formal tone.

“Hi Luke, hi Reggie. My dad has told me so much about you”

That makes them all very emotional and they have to take a break from playing.

Once they finish up with rehearsal, Julie suddenly attacks Carrie with a hug out of the blue.

“What was that for?” Carrie asks while they are swaying gently with their arms around each other.

“I’m just glad you’re here”, Julie says.

“I’m coming in!” Alex jumps up to run and hug them from the side, folding his arms over Julies around Carrie’s back. “Look, I’m hugging you by proxy!”

They all laugh and Flynn shouts: “Stop hogging my girlfriend!” before joining in the group hug.

After a while Alex shifts a bit. “Luke and Reggie are hugging you too”, Julie informs Flynn and Carrie.

That sparks more laughter.

“I still can’t believe you get to see Alex”, Flynn says.

“Me too. One more Mystery we can’t explain.“ Julie smiles wistfully at the dahlias that are standing in a vase on the piano.

“I guess”, Carrie says and they all hold each other a little bit tighter, “someone thought I could use a little bit of ghost help as well.”