Archive of Our Own ^beta

And like always, the cycle repeated but...

Taehyung woke up feeling great that day. He had a good night of sleep, his skin was clear and his mood up in the sky. Most importantly, he woke up without the stress of knowing that he had to be somewhere, that he had to get ready on time and rush through his morning routine.

Nope. None of that.

There was nothing on his schedule for the day. No dance practise or rehearsal with the members. No recording or filming of any sort.No individual activities. Nothing. A free day like that only came once in a blue moon and as he was working on something in every gap he could find in his schedule, every free hour or minute in-between things; it felt like a lifetime since he last had some time just to himself with absolutely nothing planned. Finally, some well-deserved free time.

Normally, he would spend it by meeting a friend or a group of friends. Go out. Do something with a fellow member. Visit somewhere. Or be creative; paint, write, take pictures. Taehyung had so many interests and hobbies and friends that it was hard sometimes to keep up with everything. There was so much to do and only so much time on his hands. So he couldn't just sit on his hands and waste it by doing nothing. No, he always knew how to use his precious time, which unwittingly led to him always being busy.

Today however, he wanted to do exactly that. He wanted to “waste” his time playing some game and eat snacks or just lie down and listen to music. As boring as it sounded, he really looked forward to it.

Today was the day and Taehyung was excited to do absolutely nothing.

Entering the kitchen, the smell of coffee and burned toast hit his nose. Taehyung used to scrunch up his nose, having never been too fond of the bitter liquid, but now he didn't mind as much anymore. The burned smell too, he got used to, the cause for it being a single piece of toast with its edges all black and left on a plate on the kitchen counter. Namjoon always burned his toast on the first try, so it would smell like that almost every morning. Nobody understood how he still managed to do that after all these year. It was a mystery, maybe even a talent.

The clumsy leader was nowhere in sight though. Only Taehyung's fellow 95-liner and best friend was sitting at the table with a mug in his hands, empty plate in front and wet tousled hair on top of his head.

“Good morning, Tae.” Jimin smiled, his cheeks a rosy colour from his shower. His eyes looked tired.

“Morning,” Taehyung replied, voice ever so deep and still a bit husky from sleep. He went to pour himself a glass of orange juice and threw some bread in the toaster before sitting across his friend.

“You didn't sleep well?”

Jimin shook his head. “Not really. What about you? You look happy.”

Taehyung smiled brightly. “ Yeah. I slept like a baby.” His smile was short-lived though as he noticed the other's mild reaction; a weak hum and a nod that was barely a nod.

Taehyung frowned as he tilted his head to the side, eyeing his friend with concern. “What is it, Jiminnie?”

Jimin sighed, placing his mug on the table and leaning forwards as if he was about to tell him a secret.

“I fought with Hobi-hyung last night.” He groaned, seemingly annoyed or sad, or both. Frustrated might be the word. “I hate going to bed without making up, so you can imagine that I didn't sleep well.”

“Oh.”

Jimin wasn't finished yet. He scoffed, “And you know what? I spent the night listening to him sleeping just fine. I hate him.”

Taehyung chuckled. “You do?”

“Okay, I don't hate him.” Jimin huffed, pouting. “It's just not fair that he isn't even bothered while I lose sleep over this because I care too much.”

Taehyung gave his friend a reassuring smile before asking, “What did you fight about?”

There was something very suspicious about the way Jimin chewed on his bottom lip.

“Well,” he said, fidgeting about on his chair, seemingly very hesitant to tell him. “I don't know if I should tell you. I think we both overreacted and…I don't know.”

Taehyung looked at him with his curious big eyes. “Tell me. Get it off your chest.”

“Okay,” Jimin said, running a hand through his hair. “Okay. But promise me you won't take it to heart. You know that we sometimes say things without much thought.”

“Okay?” Taehyung wondered why he had to promise such a thing. What had it to do with him?

“Promise me,” Jimin insisted, reaching his hand over the table to stick out his pinky. “Pinky promise.”

Something about the look on his face scared Taehyung a tiny bit. He didn't like how it seemed like Jimin thought this might hurt him. Hoseok could never say anything that would hurt anyone. But just like Jimin said, sometimes people said things without much thought. Still, Taehyung was sure that it was nothing. It was probably something stupid and harmless.

Taehyung looked at Jimin's tiny pinky and chuckled at how endearing it was, both its size and the promise itself. Kind of childish. But Taehyung found it was the only way of making a real promise and so he intertwined their pinkies – his hilariously bigger than Jimin's – and then they promised and sealed it, their thumbs touching with their pinkies still hooked.

Jimin squinted at him afterwards, eyeing him with suspicion. Or perhaps concern. “You promised,” he said pointedly.

“I did,” Taehyung smiled. “Now tell me.”

Jimin pursed his lips in thought, still not so sure if it was the right thing to do. But he did it either way.

“So, you know how you get sick every now and then, when you.... when you vomit and stuff?”

Taehyung felt himself tense up slightly. How could he forget?

It was three years ago that Taehyung had suddenly fallen sick with nausea. He had not thought much of it and neither had the members. Just a stomach bug or something, maybe. A bad one, probably. Nothing that out of the ordinary, very likely. And when he had thrown up again during a recording just three months later.They had thought it was a bit odd, a bit frequent. But, oh well, it happened, right?

When another two months had gone by only for Taehyung to be throwing up again all night, they began to grow worried. What was going on?

Two and a half months later, it had happened yet again; Taehyung bent over the toilet. Even worse than before. Vomiting and crying until he collapsed, too dehydrated and exhausted to keep going. It had left the others very concerned and scared.

That was not normal. Taehyung must be sick.

Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, the doctor had called it. Something that children usually suffered from and eventually grew out of, he had said But apparently, there were rare cases of adults having it too. He could try medication but there was no guaranty it would help. Taehyung had decided against it. He didn't want to take any.

It might stop one day. Or he might just have to live with it. Nobody knew.

Taehyung hated to think about the whole ordeal. He hated that he was always kind of waiting for the nausea to come back when he needed it the least, trapped in that nasty cycle. So he treasured every moment he didn't think about it, could forget about it.

But what had that to do with Jimin and Hoseok fighting?

“I'b been thinking about it and it came to my mind, since we're always so busy, that stress has to have something to do with it. The doctor mentioned it as some of the causes too back then. Do you remember?" Taehyung nodded. "So I told Hobi-hyung yesterday and he... well, he agreed. I told him that I hate seeing you go through that every time. I... really hate it." Jimin's expression grew pained. "But... but he told me not to mind. He said it's not that bad. And that everyone gets sick every now and then and that we're all stressed. He might have not been wrong about that but I... I just didn't like how he'd said it. ” Jimin exhaled tiredly. “So I got a bit mad at him.”

Taehyung honestly didn't know what to think. That Hoseok could say that after witnessing him vomit and cry for many hours just to continue the next day after barely any sleep. Always aware that his misery would eventually be over but would return after few months, which would pass by way too fast. Every time. And then everything repeated again. Two or three days gone, although he really couldn't waste any time like that with their tight schedule and everything.

Someone please tell him how to receive Hoseok's words. How was he supposed to react?

Well, maybe he was right. Everyone got sick every now and then. So what was he complaining about? Had he any right to do that when there were some people that had it worse than him?

Well yes, of course he had. It didn't make his own pain any less painful after all. And it didn't change the fact that it messed with his head. That he would always dread it. Always fearing when it would happen again.

The only thing that took a bit of his anxiety away was the certainty that he could depend on his members to be there for him. That they would catch him when he fell; rub his back and tell him that everything would be alright.

But Taehyung wasn't so sure anymore if he deserved any of that. Was he perhaps whining too much and making things seem worse than they were? Was he going on his members nerves? Were they rolling their eyes behind his back? Was he supposed to just deal with it?

Listening to Jimin's next words, that might just be true.

“But he went on, saying- I still can't believe he did, but he actually said that we baby you too much or that you can take care of yourself just fine,” Jimin told and oh wow, that... hurt. Taehyung's face fell. He felt... sad. A bit dumbfounded. He never asked to be treated “like a baby”. He had always thought that it was the other's way of showing their love. Especially Hoseok, who would treat him so well, suffocate him with affection. Was he... tired of it? Of him?

“It's only natural for me to want to take care of my friend. I told him. I... I think he wasn't really in a good mood to begin with. He seemed... annoyed and whatever I said, it... it just seemed to piss him off even more somehow and then he said... he said, um…”

Jimin hesitated to go on and honestly, Taehyung had a feeling that he didn't even want to hear more. That he wasn't supposed to hear it anyway and that he was already hurt enough. But he was way too curious now. He needed to hear. Since Jimin had started already, he could as well just tell everything. There was no going back.

“What... did he say?”

Jimin bit his lip before he sighed, and then he continued. “He said that you already get enough attention from everyone. That... you aren't even the maknae for everyone to dote on you like that. That... it made me so angry–”

Ouch. Just... ouch.

Taehyung felt a pang in his chest and his stomach twisted, tightening painfully. Really, he felt like he was kicked in the guts and slapped in the face. It would hurt so much to hear it out of Hoseok's own mouth but it hurt even more to hear it from another person like that.

Did it seem to him that he was seeking their attention? To be honest, maybe he was sometimes. But did Hoseok actually think that he was getting too much of it? Who was everyone? The members? The fans?

Was he an attention seeker?

“–but Tae, I don't think he meant the things he said. He was acting weird yesterday. He kind of looked pale too. Maybe he wasn't well or something." Jimin paused to think. "I... might have upset him somehow, I don't know. Anyway, I think… he just spoke without thinking. Like, he said things he didn't mean in the heat of it. It just happened to be about you but it wasn't really about you. You know what I mean, right?”

Taehyung nodded, absent-mindedly. Jimin noticed.

“Don't take it to heart. You promised.”

Well, easier said than done. Taeyhung would like to keep his promise if he could. Really. But he would need to forget about everything he had heard to do that. However, sudden selective amnesia was not one of his talents. He had no other choice but to think about Hoseok's words and what they meant and where they came from and why he had said them. To overthink his words until they were more than just words. Until they turned into something else entirely. They might as well be a knife to cut him because that was how he felt right now. Like he was stabbed in the back.

They all had spoken regretful things in the heat of an argument before but man... this really did hit him where it hurt.

Taehyung felt like hiding in his room and do nothing but for all the wrong reasons. He wasn't looking forward to spending time with himself anymore. He didn't want to be alone. However, Jimin had excused himself after his mug was empty, telling him that he had plans… something, somewhere, with someone. Taehyung had not really listened, so he had not heard either when the smaller had told him he would talk with Hoseok and find out why he had said those things.

The bread Taehyung had thrown in the toaster was long done and cold, forgotten. He wasn't that hungry anymore. He needed to think about his behaviour; reflect on himself, recall every tiny detail that might have annoyed the others or made him look like an attention seeker. Taehyung thought about how the others had treated him with much love and care and he felt bad. He felt so bad for not giving anything back.

Taehyung was completely forgetting about his own thoughtfulness and kindness, how grateful the members were to have the boy in there lives. Because he would always take notice of the little things, pay attention and make them cute little presents; only ever the best intentions in mind. It was just the simple fact that he was thinking of them all the time that made them want to treat him like their baby. Taehyung was one of the kindest and warmest souls out there.But sadly, he did not see himself like that.

All it took were a few mindlessly spoken words.

Now he regretted that he had nothing planned for the day, nothing to distract his mind. But on the other hand, he didn't want to do anything. Taehyung went to his room and crawled under his blanket. He was in such a bad mood all of a sudden. The only thing he wanted to do was to sleep and forget about everything for a moment.

He knew he was taking it to heart. That he was rather sensitive. A little emotional. It was just who Kim Taehyung was. And he hated it sometimes. Because he was quick to be happy and quick to be upset, easily influenced by the mood of others. He could smile the biggest smiles and cry the biggest tears, could feel everything at once and then nothing at all. It was such an up and down, of course it left him exhausted at times. Maybe it was even one of the reasons why he was sick but he didn't know for sure. He only knew that he was tired. So tired. Why was he so tired all of a sudden?

Taehyung thrashed around under the blanket for what felt like hours (two hours indeed). But no position was comfortable; on his side, on his back, on his stomach, on his other side. He felt restless. The house was so silent with only him inside but in his head it was so loud. He felt agitated.

Somehow, it made him angry.

He had woken up in such a good mood and had been looking forward to this day and all of that was taken away from him so easily because of an argument he was not even involved in. Taehyung felt mad at Hoseok for saying those things. He felt mad at Jimin for telling him. And he felt the maddest at himself for letting it get to him.

Throwing the blanket off him, he opened the first drawer of his bed table and took out a notepad and a pen, which he kept there for when he couldn't sleep. When there were too many thoughts in his head and he needed to write them down. Like now.

The little notepad was already half filled and Taehyung had to flip a lot of pages until he found a blank one. And just like that, he wrote it all down. As he wrote, there was this faint but awful familiar feeling in his stomach, all the way up to his throat. He decided to ignore it and kept writing until he started to feel uncomfortable lying on his stomach.

He should have known then what he was in for.

After another hour, Taehyung couldn't go on and closed his notepad, rolling onto his back. That queasy feeling in his stomach didn't want to go away and he was sweating although he didn't feel hot at all. Actually, he felt cold. And as more time passed, that unpleasant feeling only worsened, creeping closer and closer up his throat.

Taehyung was lying there, back wet and hands ice cold, gulping down his spit again and again in hopes of keeping it down that way. The more he did it, the more uneasy he felt. His breathing was getting quick and shallow. He knew what was to come and he was dreading it so much that he felt like crying already. Nausea was knocking at his throat, softly for now, waiting for the right moment to strike. It was almost unbearable; to not be able to escape it, just having to take it. He hated it so much, that constant back and forth of I think it's okay again, I'm good and oh no, I might throw up, gotta run.

Taehyung kind of wanted to; just wanted it out, just get it over with. He would feel better after. Perhaps. But only for a while. And then that icky feeling would return. He didn't dare to stand up or move at all either, too scared that it might upset his stomach too much and make him vomit onto his bedsheets.

He felt so helpless.

As he was lying there, he suddenly heard something from downstairs. Taehyung held his breath, listening closely. He heard a door fall shut and then muffled voices; two or maybe three people. His stomach twisted when he recognised one of them to be Hoseok, his booming voice always going through walls.

And that was enough for the nausea to fully hit him.

Taehyung slapped a hand over his mouth, throwing his blanket aside and shooting out of his bed. He was dangerously close to spilling everything onto the floor, could already taste the vomit in his mouth. He didn't even notice that he had opened his room's door with so much force that it had smashed into the shelf with a loud thud. He might have heard something fall out of it and break on the floor but his mind couldn't pay that any attention as he ran through the hallway to the closest bathroom, his feet too slow for his comfort.

When he made it to the toilet, he was relieved that whoever had used it before had forgotten to close the lid, saving him enough time to just barley make it, stomach contents finally spilling out of his mouth and messily falling into the toilet, some landing on the seat and floor. Taehyung gripped tightly onto the white porcelain, holding himself up as loud retching sounded inside those tiled walls, coughing and gasping in-between. His body moved forwards with so much force each and every time, it would leave him exhausted afterwards and he might just collapse to the ground.

Taehyung was cringing at the sounds he was making but he couldn't keep quiet nor stop. He felt like he was heaving his guts up. Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if he found his entire stomach in the toilet. But all that came out was orange juice and stomach acid. It was a disgusting combination that burned his throat and might cause his stomach to turn at the sight of the orange liquid for a while.

“Taehyung?”

Oh, he could just throw up his heart as well while he was at it.

He looked up, tears and snot dripping down his pale and sweaty face, and was met with a disturbed looking Hoseok standing in the door frame. Taehyung couldn't keep himself from whimpering when they caught eyes, his emotional state suddenly way too fragile. How much he wanted to cry out for his hyung to rub his back, please, and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. But all he could croak out was the complete opposite.

“Go away…!”

Hoseok furrowed his brows at that, confused and shocked. Taehyung had never before told them to go away when he was sick, had always preferred someone by his side even if it was a bit embarrassing.

“Taehyungie, let me help–“

“N-No…” Taehyung whimpered. “Get- Get out…!”

And then he retched, bending over again for another stream of vomit to come out of his mouth. He was already sick of it. He was sick of being sick. Why did he always have to go through this?

Taehyung was too busy heaving and gasping to notice the other hesitantly walk away. But he was alone for only so long and then there were two people at the door.

“Tae,” he heard Jimin's soft voice. “Can I come in?”

Taehyung almost gave in. How much he wanted his Jiminnie to sooth him with his gentle voice. The older always seemed to find the right words to help him feel better. But no, he could take care of himself just fine. He didn't need to be babied. He didn't seek their attention. Because they shouldn't mind him, right? Because it wasn't that bad, right?

He shouldn't complain… right?

Taehyung gulped, trying to keep it in. He didn't know what though; his stomach contents or his emotions. Both were on the verge of spilling out and both were hurting him.

“No, d-don't…!” he cried out. “I'm okay…”

He gulped again.

“What do you mean? You're not,” Jimin exclaimed. “Why are you being like this?”

Jimin was about to storm to his side, not caring anymore if the younger was okay with that. But Taehyung jolted up and pushed him out, shutting the door and locking it.

“Tae! Taehyung!” he heard his best friend shout, voice not so soft anymore, slightly upset and loud as he banged his fist against the door. “Open the door! Hey! Kim Taehyung!”

He wobbled back to the toilet and sank down next to it, back against the cold tiled wall, and watched the door handle rattle. It made his heart race in his chest. He felt distressed by his own actions and how nauseous he was.

After a while, it stopped, and Taehyung wondered if they had given up. He was kind of relieved but also a bit hurt. Had they given up on him?

“Taehyungie…” he heard Jimin's voice again, calm and way too cautious for his liking. Unfamiliar. He hated that. “We'll… we'll leave you alone but… if you need us, we're downstairs, okay? …Tae?”

Taehyung answered with another retch as he bend over the toilet again, another wave of nausea hitting him out of nowhere. He coughed, gulping as he tried to keep it in, so he could listen in to what was happening on the other side of the door. He thought he heard a sigh and then there were footsteps, slowly fading away into silence.

They were gone.

Finally. He was alone again. He would deal with himself all on his own this time. No problem.

Taehyung gagged a few last times, nothing coming out, before he cleaned the mess with toilet paper, flushing everything down. He heaved himself up onto his shaky legs and wobbled to the sink to wash his face.

Looking at himself in the mirror, he was met with a pale face, red glossy eyes and water dripping down his chin. He looked miserable. Quite frankly, he looked like shit. Great. Just how he felt. Perfect.

Now where was the bucket they kept to vomit in whenever one of them got sick so they wouldn't need to run to the bathroom every time just to barely make it? Taehyung needed it so he could stay in bed, stay miserable on his own for the rest of the day – and probably the next day too.

He found it in the cabinet under the sink and so, with the bucket in his arms and some kind of twisted determination to get through this on his own, he unlocked the door and carefully returned to his room, each step riling up his stomach.

Placing the bucket next to his bed, Taehyung fell heavily into his bed, tugging the blanket up to his chin. He found lying on his back to be the most comfortable, so he stayed like that with his own hands wrapped around himself, already missing the warmth of someone next to him. Longing for fingertips tracing circles on his skin and hot breath on his neck, always reassuring him that he was not alone. That if anything happened, he wouldn't be on his own.

Taehyung's throat felt dry and he was cold, yet he was sweating buckets and his clothes were sticking to his skin, damp and uncomfortable. Icky. So icky.

He hated feeling icky. He felt so gross, so so gross.

But his stomach was churning loudly and he didn't trust himself to stand up to get himself a change of clothes or water or maybe a hot-water bottle. All things that sounded nice right now, yet he was too scared that if he moved too much right now, it would upset his stomach. So he stayed unmoving, feeling grosser as the minutes passed.

An eternity later, which was probably hardly half an hour, Taehyung could hear footsteps approach his door. They sounded muffled through the thick wood and he had almost missed them over his staggered breathing.

Slowly, the door opened. Taehyung expected it to be Jimin, trying to convince him that he was behaving stupid and to just let him take care of him. But no. It was Hoseok and he seemed oddly nervous, biting his lower lip and fiddling with his fingers. This wasn't how he usually behaved. But hadn't Jimin told him he wasn't being himself the day before as well? Again, it was ufamiliar. And he hated it.

“Hey, is it okay if I come in now?” Hoseok asked almost timidly, not too familiar with a Taehyung that would reject or raise his voice at him.

Taehyung kept quiet and the older took his chance, interpreting it the way he wanted. So he came further into the room, walking around the bed, and sat next to Taehyung on the edge of the soft mattress. The younger looked at him with puffy eyes, his dark brunet hair framing his much paler face like a painting, lips chapped and colourless.

“How are you feeling?” Hoseok asked, glancing at his sick friend, whose breathing seemed shallow and laboured. The older took notice of how he seemed to keep gulping.

What a redundant question.

“Not…great.”

Hoseok wanted to take the poor boy into his arms. Normally, he would have already crawled under the blanket with him to cuddle, or sat on the floor next to him to run his fingers through his hair to sooth him. But Taehyung was acting differently and so it was hard for Hoseok to act like his usual self as well.

“I see.” Hoseok let his eye wander around the room as if trying to stall something. He sighed. “Look, um... Jimin, he... he told me that he talked with you about our fight yesterday. Well, I guess it wasn't much of a fight but more just me being... sensitive and overreacting and…” Hoseok looked at Taehyung with guilty eyes. “And saying things I shouldn't have.”

“Why… did you say them then,” Taehyung croaked out. Deep inside he had probably known that there could be no way that Hoseok would mean such words. He was too nice, too good. However, the fact that he had said them regardless must mean that they had crossed his mind before, at least subconsciously. They couldn't have come out of nowhere. There must be small part of him that thought of Taehyung as clingy. As annoying. As pretentious.

Taehyung couldn't trust his words. And Hoseok noticed.

“Yesterday, I… I didn't feel that well myself and I just had a rough day and… and nobody noticed, which- which is fine! Because... because I didn't want you guys to worry about me,” Hoseok told, keeping eye-contact with Taehyung to show him that he was telling the truth, that he meant what he was about to say this time. “I was really tired and just wanted to sleep but Jimin was very talkative. I didn't feel like talking... I really wanted to just... get the day over with. So I just listened to him. And then he started to talk about how he hated to see you get sick every time and I… I just felt so annoyed suddenly because he was so... so thoughtful of you, yet he didn't even see that I wasn't okay. I was so frustrated, so I– the words just came out. I– I didn't even realise and then... then it was already too late. But I didn't mean them. I-I don't think like that, really, I- I don't.”

Hoseok looked at Taehyung with so much regret, so desperate for forgiveness, the younger wanted to take him into his arms and sooth him instead, tell him that he understood and that he wasn't mad at him. But the words had cut deep, right where it hurt him the most.

He wished he could push a button to forget it all.

“It– It was a mistake. Such a... stupid mistake. And Jimin should have never told you. I- I should have never said any of it,” Hoseok muttered. With his shoulders sunken down like that he didn't even look like Hoseok at all. He didn't sound like Hoseok. And Taehyung didn't like it. “It was a mistake and I didn't mean anything of it and- and I'm so-" Hoseok's voice cracked. "I'm so sorry. You have to believe me. Please...”

Why did it seem like he was the hurt one, like he was the one in much more pain? In some twisted way, it made Taehyung feel relieved. Because, would his hyung look like that if he wasn't truly sorry and regretting things. He must really be beating himself up for it. As much as Taehyung wanted to sulk a bit longer and make him feel the same pain, he... he couldn't.

And yet he had to ask. He just had to.

“Hyung, I'm not a nuisance to you?” Aren't you fed up with me? Aren't you tired of me?

Hoseok felt his heart crack seeing the anxious look in Taehyung's eyes. He wanted to kick himself. What had he done?

“Oh no, Taehyung. No no no. Of course not. I- shit, no. That's not it at all. Never.” There was a insufferable need to hug the younger but he wasn't sure if he even wanted him anywhere near him right now.

“Taehyung, I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm- I'm so sorry.” Hoseok sighed sadly. The other's silence and that uncertain expression of his were crushing him. He couldn't take it, so he whispered under his breath, “Please... say something.”

The rustling of sheets echoed in the room as Taehyung slowly sat up. His stomach churned, screamed at him to lie back down before it was too late. But he didn't listen.

Taehyung had such a soft spot for the members. He just couldn't stay mad at them for long. Even if he wanted to. Even when he should sometimes. It was a double-edged sword, honestly. It was so easy to love them and so easy to get hurt by them. They were the reason he laughed and the reason he cried.

Hoseok watched with big expectant eyes as the younger clumsily crawled towards him. And then there was warmth. Finally, Taehyung was warm again. Hoseok was quick to tighten the embrace, so thankful and glad to be able to hold his dear friend in his arms. His cute little brother. His Taehyungie. No matter how big he had grown, he would always be their small baby. And he would never let go again. Wanted to never hurt him again, never let him be hurt again.

Hoseok rubbed his back how he knew he liked it and Taehyung snuggled further into his arms, face buried into the crook of his neck, sighing contently.

“Hyung…”

“You... you know how being sick makes you feel weak and vulnerable, right? That was- that was all it was. When you're not well, you want to be taken care of... right? That's only natural and it's... okay,” Hoseok said softly, the vibrations of his voice sounding gentle in Taehyung's ear. Somehow, it seemed like Hoseok was mostly talking to himself. Reminding himself. “But it's... hard for me to ask for that. I guess I- I felt envious of you for being so honest about it. I can't do that. I... wish I could.”

Taehyung wasn't one to complain about his own discomfort, but it was always very visible in his behaviour and his expression when he was unwell. His body was very honest. He would have a sudden mood change and he would space out a lot. The air around him would just completely change, according to the members at least, and so they would sense immediately that something wasn't right. That something was very wrong.

Hoseok, on the other hand, was a master of disguise, great at deceiving members and fans. And sometimes even himself. Taehyung was envious of him in that aspect, of that “talent” of his, and how he could so flawlessly maintain his image all the time. He wished he could be as strong. However, it seemed that Hoseok was envious as well, for he saw Taehyung's honesty as real strength instead.

People always wanted what others had and couldn't appreciate what was their own. It was normal. And Taehyung could see now how Hoseok might have said those things in frustration, agitated by his own inability to seek the comfort he needed.

“It's... it's okay, hyung.”

“No, it's not. It's not okay.” Hoseok grabbed him by his shoulders, breaking the hug to look at the other. Taehyung almost whimpered at the loss of warmth and comfort. “Please don't think that you're not allowed to ask for attention. You might not be the maknae but you're just as important and loved. Don't... let the things I said get in the way. They are not true. They were never true.” He cupped Taehyung's face in his hand and stared into his eyes to make sure the younger understood. “Please... don't push us away. Let us take care of you, hm?”

There was no space for Taehyung to doubt his words, no way he could say no to that. He nodded his head, a faint smile on his lips and Hoseok smiled back, patting his head. His delicate fingers ran through Taehyung's hair and a content sigh escaped him. There was a tingling sensation in the pit of his stomach. But then it got stronger and turned uncomfortable. Unbearable. He felt sick. He was sick. He was going to– he was going to–

Oh no.

Oh no.

Taehyung dodged Hoseok's hand and hurried to the other side of his bed where the bucket was, clumsily crawling over the mattress. He quickly grabbed it and held his face over it, gagging; once, twice, again and again. He kept gagging but nothing ever came out. It was so painful. Much more painful than when there was something inside his stomach to throw it up.

Taehyung whimpered and his hands were shaking around the bucket. He tried hard to keep the tears at bay but the gagging made them run down his cheeks either way.

“Oh Taehyungie,” he heard his hyung's voice, surprisingly close, and then the mattress sank right next to him and a warm hand pressed down on his back, moving up and down.

“Hurts…” Taehyung rasped. The relentless heaving was exhausting him. He felt so weak and so fed up with everything.

“Jimin, can you bring some water and… right, the hot-water bottle,” Hoseok suddenly spoke. Taehyung looked up from the bucket to catch a glimpse of him walking out the room.

When had he come in?

Taehyung was too busy trying to even out his breathing to question it further, gulping and gasping and gulping and gasping. There was no break for him. No time to calm down.

It was hard to breath.

“Taehyung. Hey, Taehyung,” he heard Hoseok say but it sounded muffled in his ears. His head was swaying, the bed was tilting. There were tiny black spots dancing in his vision, urging him to submit to the darkness. Come over here. You won't be hurting anymore. It sounded so good.

“You're hyperventilating. Taehyung, you need to breath. Slowly. Come on, breath in. One two three… that's good. Now breath out. One two three… yes, slowly. Just like that. Yeah, you're doing great.”

Slowly breathing in. Slowly breathing out. Slowly.

Taehyung sniffled, exhaling shakily as he began to calm down, the nausea settling down for a bit. Thank goodness. He was dizzy and tired now, kind of drowsy.

Just then, Jimin came in with water and the hot-water bottle in his hands. It took him only a second to know what had happened upon seeing his best friend sitting on the bed with hazy eyes that stared into nothing. Jimin wasted no time and sat next to him, holding the opened water bottle to his lips. Taehyung was still too out of it, so he took a small sip without much thought. It was enough for him to turn his head away. The cold water was kind to his throat but cruel to his stomach. He feared it might just shoot out of him again if he drank more than that.

“Tae, you need to drink some more. I can't have you get dehydrated,” Jimin told. His voice was soft yet firm, determined; it calmed Taehyung further down and helped to persuade the younger to take a few more sips. "That's it. Just a bit more.

Hoseok was quick to praise him. “Good boy,” he said, a proud smile on his face as he caressed his hair, gentle strokes. "You're doing so well.

Jimin then helped him lie down after placing the hot-water bottle on his stomach and tucked him in. Taehyung felt like a big child being treated like this, with so much fondness and love. He couldn't help but still feel a bit uneasy to be treated with so much care, scared that he didn't deserve it. That he was a nuisance. Too needy. Too much. However, his tiredness was much greater at that moment and so he closed his eyes, hoping that he would be better - physically and mentally - when he opened them again. And just like that, he slipped out of reality's grasps and escaped to the land of sleep.

When Taehyung opened his eyes again, it was still bright outside, the sun shining through the curtains that someone had closed for him and illuminating his room just enough for him see the outlines of his surroundings.

His stomach was unsettling calm right now. Taehyung didn't dare to let himself be lulled into a sense of security by that though. He had gone through this enough times to know that the nausea always came back as soon as he thought it was over. Nevertheless, he was thankful for the temporary rest.

The hot-water bottle had fallen off his stomach and disappeared to somewhere underneath the blanket as he was lying on his side now. He felt warm and cosy, although a bit sweaty. There was something weighing him down, resting comfortably on his waist and legs. Taehyung turned his head around to look behind himself and was met with the maknae, fast asleep and peaceful expression on his face.

It was a reoccurring thing he did. But usually, it was Hoseok's bed that he invaded.

Jungkook was pressed against his back, one arm thrown over his side and their legs tangled. The youngest was spooning him, hot breaths of air against his neck, reassuring Taehyung that he was not alone. That it was okay to let down his guard and relax.

Taehyung carefully turned around, pulling Jungkook closer to himself to hug him tightly. The youngest shifted a bit in his sleep but didn't wake up, only humming contently, chin resting on top of Taehyung's head. Taehyung's cheek was squished against Jungkook's chest, hands fisted into the fabric of the other's shirt. The maknae smelled like fresh laundry. Like soft cotton and sugary sweets. Taehyung inhaled deeply. It made him feel at peace and so he closed his eyes again, falling asleep in the other's comforting warmth, entangled limbs and steady breaths.

It was when he felt his stomach twisting painfully that Taehyung awoke from his slumber. His head hurt quite a bit, a numb throbbing behind his eyes. It was dark inside the room but he could see some light shining through underneath the door.

Was someone in the hallway? How late was it?

Suddenly, he heard loud churning, nausea spreading inside him. More and more. Until it rose up his throat. Taehyung clasped a hand over his mouth as he fumbled for the bucket beside his bed. In his haste, he knocked it over. Shit.

Picking it up, he was glad to find out that someone had cleaned the bucket and that he had not just dirtied the floor with vomit.

Taehyung heaved, throwing up nothing but water and stomach acid, leaving an awful taste in his mouth that made him retch again and a sharp pain pulse through his head. Only after he was finished emptying his stomach of any content, dry heaving over the bucket, did he notice the lack of warmth in his bed. There was much more space suddenly and Taehyung realised that Jungkook wasn't there anymore. He looked towards the door with dazed eyes, kind of lost and lonely. He didn't know how long he had slept but he felt exhausted, so drained of any energy. His throat felt sore.

Where the others sleeping? Where they downstairs?

Taehyung was ripped out of his thoughts when the door opened and light shone inside the darkness, making him squint at it. A shock of black hair appeared inside the door frame, pale face and feline eyes.

“I thought I heard someone throwing up,” he said, scratching his neck. “Are you sick again?”

“Yoongi-hyung…” Taehyung sounded hoarse and weak.

The older walked inside and turned on the bedside lamp. Taehyung turned away from the light, pressing his eyes shut. When he opened them again, looking down at himself, he saw that he was wearing different clothes and he blushed.

This had happened before, him waking up in different clothes, meaning someone had changed him while he was unresponsive (excluding his underwear). Well, it wasn't like they hadn't seen each other naked before. But it was still a bit embarrassing to be undressed by someone else like that, no matter how close they were. Taehyung always felt too shy to mention it though.

“You look like shit,” Yoongi said as he eyed him. The younger wanted to feel offended but he knew he must look miserable right now because that was how he felt. “You still need to throw up?

Taehyung shook his head hesitantly, so the other took the bucket out of his hands and placed it on the floor. He peeked inside as he did and sighed.

“Did you eat anything today?” Taehyung shook his head.

“Did you drink something? Taehyung nodded.

Yoongi looked to the bedside table and grabbed the bottle of water that Jimin had left there. He opened it and held it towards Taehyung to take it. “But you threw it up, didn't you?”

Again, the younger nodded and took the bottle. Honestly, he didn't want anything inside him right now, but Yoongi was trying to take care of him in his very own way and Taehyung found it so endearing, he couldn't deny him anything.

Yoongi wasn't one to shower him with affection like Jimin. He wasn't one to praise him like Hoseok. And he didn't sneak into his room to crawl into his bed like Jungkook. No, he would always check up on him quietly and make sure he was alright, subtle but thoughtful. Because Yoongi held so much love for them all. Much more than he would ever confess or could ever put into words. It was a well-known secret between the members and not much of a secret at all.

“Thank you.”

Yoongi nodded. “Do you need anything else?”

Anything? A shy smile spread on Taehyung's lips. For a moment he discarded the thought but it came right back again.

“Hyung… can you lie down with me and, um, can I hug you?”

Yoongi looked away, rubbing his neck. “Something else maybe?”

Taehyung shook his head with a pout.

The older sighed, glancing back at Taehyung. His cheeks turned a faint pink as he muttered, “Fine…”

The younger perked up that, immediately clearing some space for his hyung to lie down. The bed creaked as Yoongi climbed in, looking anywhere but at Taehyung as he made himself comfortable. Taehyung put the blanket over Yoongi and his arm around his waist, snuggling close to his small body. Yoongi sighed at that but it didn't sound too annoyed.

It might have even sounded relieved.

Maybe even content.

Perhaps he had needed this as well.

Yoongi was always quick to shove them away and deny their affection, reacting strongly to their advances. So yeah, sometimes they teased him because of it. However, Taehyung just knew that he secretly enjoyed their attention, too shy to ask for it. So he wasn't too surprised when he felt Yoongi's body slowly relax against his own, succumbing to the warmth and cosiness.

“Hyung?”

“Hm?”

“Love you.”

“...go to sleep, Taehyung.”

“Okay. Good night.”

Taehyung closed his eyes and it was silent for a little while until-

“…love you too.”

Taehyung smiled. He was loved.

The next time Taehyung woke up, it was morning. For some reason, his window was open and he could hear the birds from outside, singing him a melody that was gentle to his ears now that his head had stopped hurting. There was a soft breeze and it smelled like dew.

This time he didn't wake up alone as his smaller hyung was still right where he had fallen asleep the day before, his back pressed against Taehyung. But their peaceful morning was soon disturbed by a loud and excited voice.

“Guys, you have to see this. Yoongi-hyung and Taehyung are spooning!”

Taehyung blinked a few times and saw Namjoon grinning stupidly at them, phone in hand to take a picture. He had not turned off the flash and Yoongi groaned when the first thing he saw as he opened his eyes was a bright light.

“What the fuck…” he murmured, voice rasp from sleep.

“Who is the little spoon?!” someone shouted, soon to be revealed as Hoseok, who speed-walked into the room, followed by a curious maknae.

Jungkook giggled while Hoseok cooed at them. “Cute.”

“Send me that picture, hyung,” the youngest told Namjoon, who muttered a absent-minded of course, still in awe of his discovery. All he had wanted to do was to check on Taehyung after hearing that he had been sick since yesterday. He would have never expected to find him cradling Yoongi. It was an endearing sight for sure. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face.

Taehyung didn't mind any of this, as opposed to Yoongi, who was groaning in annoyance as he escaped the other's arms. “Fuck this shit.”

The others snickered at the second-oldest and how he scurried off and out the room, leaving Taehyung behind with a pout on his lips.

“How are you feeling?” Hoseok's serene voice asked as he replaced Yoongi's spot, sitting close to Taehyung and running his fingers through his messy hair.

The younger, still drunken with sleep, sighed cutely. “Better.”

Hoseok hummed, smiling affectionately at him. “That's good. I'm glad.”

Taehyung could definitely sense that Hoseok was being much sweeter to him. Much more considerate. But also much more careful with the things he said and how how he said them. Taehyung had no doubt that he was still feeling very guilty and wanted to make it up to him. It made it hard for him to be resentful; outright impossible, to be exact. So Taehyung decided to just not do that. Thoughts of being too clingy might stay with him for a while, might come in the way of accepting their attention at times, but he didn't want to hold a grudge against Hoseok because of it. That would hurt even more.

“Think you can eat something?” Hoseok asked.

“I can try.”

“Good. Because your favourite hyung made you this and won't take no for an answer,” Seokjin said as he came inside with a tray that carried a steaming bowl of soup and a mug that seemed to be filled with some hot liquid as well. Probably tea. Most likely fennel tea.

“You're not his favourite hyung though,” Hoseok scoffed.

The oldest shook his head. “Hm-hm. I'll pretend I didn't hear that.”

Taehyung smiled to himself. His stomach complained a bit about the smell but he didn't think he would throw up anymore. He would spend today with an slightly upset tummy and a very tired body. But that was it. The day after that, he would be back to his normal self, back to their busy schedule… wait.

“Don't you guys need to be somewhere?” Taehyung looked at them with big eyes, confused as to why everyone seemed to be home today, a bit panicked even. Only Jimin was missing.

Were things being postponed because of him? Was he being a nuisance again?

Namjoon chuckled. “Taehyung, it's only seven am. It's okay,” he reassured.

“Oh.”

After a few minutes of random chitchat, most of them went downstairs to eat breakfast themselves, leaving Taehyung and Namjoon alone in the room. It seemed like he wanted to talk.

“I called Sejin-hyung and told him that you're sick,” the leader told as Taehyung slurped soup off the spoon. It didn't taste like much. A bit bland. Warm and mild. Perfect for an upset stomach.

“Say, are you alright?” Namjoon suddenly asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Taehyung licked some soup off his lips and shrugged. “Yeah? I mean, I won't throw up anymore if that's what you mean.”

“No, not that.”

The younger stared blankly at the leader.

“Hoseok told me what happened between you. Or, well, between him and Jimin.”

Oh. That.

“He did?”

“Yeah. We talked a bit. He's beating himself up pretty badly because of it.” Namjoon told and Taehyung swallowed, feeling bad for his hyung. “What about you? How are you dealing with things?”

“I… don't know. What Jimin told me… it really hurt. Honestly, I don't think I'll forget it any time soon. I'm always scared now that I might get on you guys' nerves and…” I can't deal with that. I hate it.

Taehyung didn't dare to speak any further. He was being too sensitive again, wasn't he? He should just suck it up and get over it, shouldn't he?

“He was afraid you might think like that. Like, really scared.”

“Oh really?” The younger sounded so tired, Namjoon barely heard the sincerity in his voice.

“I see why he would think that,” Namjoon said. “Taehyung, honestly, I don't know what's going on in that pretty head of yours but I can tell that it's affecting you.”

He was speaking with that voice that he always used when he was acting as the leader, as the one they could rely on and trust in, solving conflicts and help them communicate. And at times it was also why he would end up with more on his plate than he could handle. But the appreciation and respect he received in response was much greater and made it worth it. Always.

And this was worth it too. It was important to him, and the group as a whole, that Taehyung heard what he had to say. That he knew and understood that he had his place there and that there was no need to hold back. That the members loved their adorable second-youngest like that; a bit clingy and somewhat of a baby, sometimes a bit of a crybaby too. It was all good, exactly how it was supposed to be.

“Hoseok is only human too. He just… was feeling hurt all on his own and not dealing with his own feelings that well, I think.” Namjoon paused for a moment to find his words before he continued. “When you keep it all to yourself for too long… that can turn out very ugly really quickly. I can kind of relate. It's... tiring.”

Yeah. He was right. Taehyung could relate as well, had experienced himself how ugly it could turn out. Keeping to himself and not speaking up about his struggles and worries had almost broken him before. If it wasn't for Jimin looking after his best friend and kind of forcing things out of him, staying up at night to talk and cry with him… he didn't want to think about it.

But who did Hoseok usually confide in? It wasn't Taehyung at least. How did he deal with things? He hoped there was someone he could talk to. Taehyung hoped Hoseok would consider him as an option too. That he could console him in the future, just like he did for him. Comforting him and do some talking too, even if Taehyung wasn't the best with words. He wanted to try.

Hoseok was only human too.

“I see…”

Namjoon smiled. “But Taehyung, I'm no telling you this to make light of your feelings. It's just so you understand why Hoseok would say something like that without really meaning it,” he explained. “So I guess, take your time but don't hate him too much… is what I'm trying to say.” He chuckled, scratching his head sheepishly. “Sorry, I wasn't trying to lecture you or something. I talked quite a bit.”

“No, it's… it's okay.” Taehyung smiled to himself, looking down at his lap. “Thank you, hyung. I… needed to hear that, I think.”

“Always.” Namjoon grinned, a proud look on his face. He seemed relieved, like a bit of weight had been lifted off his shoulder.

“But hyung,” Taehyung said, looking at him with big eyes, displaying nothing but warmth and kindness. “I could never hate any of you.”

The next day, Taehyung woke up with a bit of a sore throat and slightly light-headed. Nevertheless, he was feeling much better, finally free from nausea and pain. He knew it would last only for so long, but he didn't want to worry about the future. He had people to rely on when the time came and even if he tried to push them away, they would bounce right back again. Back to his side to help him get through it.

And when he walked down the stairs and entered the kitchen, it smelled like coffee and burned toast.

It smelled like home.