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V had an inkling what Panam was thinking when she told him to pull over. His instincts were too sharp, especially when Panam was concerned, not to.
V remained on the motorcycle with the engine running at low idle while Panam swung her leg over the seat and hopped off. Taking a few steps away, she sucked in a breath of the warm desert night air.
"Yeah, this should be good." Panam nodded in approval of their surroundings.
They were still pretty far from the camp, long out of eyesight and earshot, both. No one else but the two of them around for miles. Nothing but empty darkness and sand as far as the eye could not see. Yes, it would be perfect.
Panam took in another breath, filling her lungs until they were fit to burst.
"FUCK!" The scream was so sudden, so loud, that some nocturnal rodent perched on a nearby rock was sent scrambling for cover. Good thing there wasn't any glass nearby, Panam might have shattered it.
Yet, Panam was not done, oh no, not even close.
Panam screamed until her lungs were empty, then took in more air and let loose a litany of swears that, from the stories V had told her about the man, would have left Johnny Silverhand himself staring at her slack-jawed.
While Panam screamed to her heart's content, the rest of her body was not idle. Every pebble and rock in the road were brutally kicked and sent flying off into the dark, nearby clumps of sand were also introduced to her boot.
Not even a conveniently placed boulder along the side of the road was spared her wrath, the boulder however fared far better enduring her fists than its miniature kin against her feet.
Panam knew she was being childish. Yes, this was an absolute temper tantrum in every sense, and it was a testament to her feelings for V that she even allowed him to see her in such a state. If it were anyone else, she'd have bottled it up to be released in privacy elsewhere.
V flinched slightly, rubbing his ear but otherwise made no move to stop her or calm her down. Having been around her often enough now, he knew that sometimes she just needed to vent and get it all out before she went absolutely mad. It was insanely rare to see Panam like this, but everyone had their breaking point. He never was one to judge.
Not helping matters was that technically it was his fault, at least that's what V would claim before Panam told him to shut the hell up and stop blaming himself. Exactly like she had already done… what, half a dozen times now? V and Panam both had stopped counting.
V never asked for any of that crap with the biochip. He never asked his body to be wrecked by Johnny Silverhand. He never asked to be given only six months left to live.
Far as Panam was concerned, none of it was V's fault, and she fully intended to keep saying that until the day she died or V started believing it, too, Whichever one came first. Maybe someday she might actually get V to believe it, assuming he lived that long.
Remembering their latest dead-end lead to find a solution for V's condition, their entire reason for being out so late tonight, brought forth another surge of rage and Panam continued her tantrum anew.
At least, she would have, if a familiar pair of lanky but strong arms didn't choose that moment to wrap around her. Pinning her arms to her sides in the process.
Much like a car's engine shot full of holes, Panam felt her anger and fury sputtering out. She managed a couple more yells and stomps of her feet, all of which were weak, before she went limp in V's arms. Had he not been holding her up, she'd have fallen right to her knees, but as V often did, he supported her, and kept her standing.
As much as Panam hated admitting to sappy or mushy stuff, she couldn't deny the calming effect V always had on her now often frayed nerves. Between leading the Aldecaldos and trying everything under the sun to save her man, her stress level was at an all time, and probably near permanent, high. Yet, all V had to do was hold her in his arms like this and so much worry and stress melted away. Nothing else in her entire life, booze, sleep, nothing soothed her quite like V's embrace.
Gah… Panam wanted to be angry, dammit! Not feeling lighter than air and relaxed!
The man said nothing, not a word as his arms held her tightly. Almost as if he could pull the broken pieces of her spirit back together through sheer will and strength alone. Not like the man hadn't done crazier things in the past.
It wasn't their last lead, but Panam had been so hopeful. She really thought this would be the one, and they could finally put this to rest once and for all. But it wasn't, instead it was merely another in a long line of failures and shattered hopes.
How much time did V have left? A couple months? That ever looming specter of death hovered over the man like a shroud, but Panam didn't dare ponder what she would do if they failed. She had no plans, no ideas, nothing. She promised V she would see to it that he was saved, but what if she couldn't keep that promise? That one promise that meant more than all the eddies in the world to her.
What would a world without V look like? And what would Panam do in it? These were questions Panam was too scared to even attempt to find answers to. The Aldecaldos would be fine, they'd lost people before, many times. Saul hadn't been the first leader to die in a fight, nor would he be the last. Going peacefully in old age was a privilege very few were ever afforded.
What about Panam herself? Could she survive a world without V? She'd been doing just fine before V… no, that was an absolute lie. Her life was in shambles, and probably would have stayed that way due to her own issues she was too hard headed to fix. While meeting V wasn't some magical cure all, it did set her back on the right back to reconciling with Saul and the Aldecaldos.
"How do you do it?" Panam asked weakly from where she leaned back heavily against V's chest.
"Do what?"
"You're so calm and…" Panam struggled to find the right word.
"Chill?" V answered for her with an oddly nasty scowl. It lasted barely a fraction of a second, and Panam only caught it because she spent a lot of time starring at his face. A tiny detail that would go on being unknown by all if she had a thing to say about it.
"I was going to say cool." Panam smirked, "but sure. Let's go with that. It's just… everything." Panam steadied her footing and turned around, V loosening his arms so she could do so. Not wanting to focus on anything else but the man in front of her, Panam rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "You're always so calm and focused. You're the one that's…"
Panam swallowed hard, she couldn't even finish the sentence.
Wasn't too long ago Panam wouldn't have dared show weakness like this in front of anyone, not even the family. It just wasn't in her nature to do so. It was V that brought out her softer, more vulnerable side.
While V did have his own vulnerable side, too, he just wasn't that expressive. Calm, cool, and collected, a consummate professional, this was the perfect way to describe V. Panam had made the observation internally a while back after running a few jobs with him. The man only had months left to live, and yet he never seemed perturbed by this.
Actually, the only time V ever seemed to lose said calmness when during their occasional arguments. The memory of which had Panam glowering. Either way, it wasn't the time for those kinds of thoughts, they had other pressing concerns.
Ironically, it was Panam that made the biggest deal out of V's terminal illness, more than enough for both of them.
"How do you do it? I mean…" Panam thought for a moment before deciding she was right. "If I was in your boots? I'd be freaking out every day."
"Yup. You kinda tend to be a bit…" V buried his nose in Panam's hair equally focused on her as she was on him.
"Emotional?" It was Panam's turn to finish V's sentence.
"I was going to say expressive." V parroted before laughing at the switch up. "But, honestly?" V chuckled somewhat darkly. "I think I got my freak-outs and panic-attacks out of the way back in Night City. Poor Vik and Misty had to sit through a lot of em'."
"So, what, you just got burned out?" Panam moved her arms to encircle V, her fingers lacing on the back of his neck, her forehead coming to rest on his. "Stopped feeling it?"
"I guess?" V shrugged, his own arms remaining around her waist to press into the small of her back. Goosebumps forming on her skin where his fingers found exposed skin around her waist. "Dunno, really. Maybe I just decided whatever time I got left, there's nowhere I'd rather spend it."
"I wish we had more time." Panam sighed, thankful for her strong constitution. Had she been any weaker willed, she might actually start bawling her eyes out right now. "I can feel it, every second ticking by little by little."
"I know." V sighed. "But we'll figure this out. You, me, and the family."
"Wish I had that confidence." Panam became keenly aware of a growing pain in her hand that she'd been ignoring until now. V, as perceptive as ever when she was concerned, instantly picked up on her nearly imperceptible wince.
"Let me see." Slipping out her hold, much to her chagrin, V took Panam's hand gingerly in his and pulled her glove off as gently as he could.
With only the light of the motorcycle headlight, which they were standing in front of, it was difficult to see very well. Even so, Panam didn't miss the deep purple bruises forming around her knuckles.
"Shouldn't be punching rocks." V teasingly chastised the woman as his thumb ran ever so lightly over the bruised knuckles, eliciting a muffled hiss. "Nothing too bad, glove took most of the damage."
"The rocks shouldn't have been in my way." Panam huffed, cheeks starting to burn slightly in embarrassment. She still couldn't believe she lost it that badly. Sometimes she wanted to damn V for making her feel… things she wasn't used to feeling, but then she wanted to kiss him for the exact same reason.
It was absolutely maddening! Did all women go through things like this with their men?
"Hopefully they learned their lesson." V rolled his eyes before bringing his hand up to his lips and giving each knuckle a gentle kiss. His lips lingering a moment on her skin, sending tingles through her flesh.
Damn it, how did this man do that? Make her insides all twist up in such a way that was both pleasant and horrible at the same time? At least they'd gotten past the point where she would always try to bolt when she started feeling unfamiliar things.
It annoyed her to no end that had been her reflexive reaction. Yet, as he promised, V had been patient and willing to take things at her pace.
Pity that Panam often felt like they didn't have the luxury of taking things slow, but at the same time she didn't want to rush things only to crash, burn, and ruin one of the best things she'd ever had in her life, and… ugh! Why were relationships so complicated!
"Panam?" V waved a hand in Panam's face to catch her attention. "Anyone home?"
"Huh?" Panama shook herself out of her thoughts. "What?"
"I asked if you were ready to head home."
"Oh, yeah." Panam nodded and trekked back over to the bike without waiting for V so he couldn't see her flush. Not that it ever helped, he could always sense when she was blushing. At least he didn't tease as bad as some of the rest of the family. "Let's go."
"Your wish is my command, madam." V bowed slightly before retaking his spot on the motorcycle, Panam seated behind him with her arms around his middle.
Panam would never admit it, but she'd had no intentions on taking her own car out on this little excursion, despite her earlier protests otherwise. She just didn't want to admit how much she liked holding V when they rode his bike.
Panam never dd understood why he preferred his motorcycle instead of a proper car. Then again, for the longest time, V was accustomed to being a solo act in Night City. Something even now he was still adjusting to life among the Aldecaldos. The bike would be a lot more maneuverable and easier for a solo merc traveling the cities cramped streets.
Hmm… Panam preferred her car, V preferred his motorcycle.
"Huh." A thought occurred to Panam just then.
"What?"
"Just had a thought."
"Well, don't leave me in suspense here."
"Think I just figured out why we get along so well."
"Oh?"
"We're opposites." Panam explained. "You're always, well, most of the time, so calm and cool, thinking and planning things out. You help keep me grounded and… at peace."
"You're impulsive, sometimes reckless." Coming from anyone else, the words might have sounded nasty, insulting even, but somehow V made them sound endearing. "Passionate, spontaneous, and exciting. You show me that life is worth livin', but you also give me something to live for."
That last sentence had V looking over his shoulder again and… damn. That look, that one right there! It took every scrap of Panam's self-control not to yank him off this bike and kiss him until they were both breathless.
Unfortunately, once that got started, Panam highly doubted they would be making it home tonight. This stretch of dark and lonely road was just too tempting.
Later. Yes, there would be plenty of time for such things later.
"We balance each other out." Panam squeezed V a little tighter, resting her cheek on his back, her smile all but lighting up the night. She rather liked that idea.