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“Garrett! Wait a second!”
Hawke stopped and turned, waiting for Leandra to catch up to them. He was just about to head out to the Hanged Man with Fenris, Merril, and Anders. Everyone else was already there and waiting for them to show up.
“I forgot to give you this,” Leandra handed Hawke a few coins, a wrapped up pastry, and a note, “For that friend of yours, Varric. I forgot my wallet in the market the other day and he was passing by. He was kind enough to help me pay, so I’m paying him back.”
“Well that was nice of him,” Hawke mused.
“Excuse me...” Merril interrupted their conversation hesitantly.
“What is it?” Hawke asked, packing away Varric’s present.
“Who is Garrett?”
Hawke paused for a second before bursting into laughter, Leandra following suit. Leandra, however, was much more polite about it.
“I’m Garrett,” Hawke said after he managed to stop laughing.
“Holy shit,” Anders looked shocked, “I honestly thought Hawke was your name.”
“It is my name,” Hawke responded, “Its just a family name.”
Fenris was being awfully quiet. A quick glance over to him showed that he looked upset. Why would he be upset that Hawke isn’t his first name?
“You introduce yourself as Hawke though?” Anders continued.
“Whatever, ‘Anders’,” Hawke rolled his eyes at him.
While he never specifically told anyone his first name, he honestly kind of assumed they already knew it. Or at least had overheard him being called by his first name. Aveline had called him Garrett for the longest time before finally beginning to call him Hawke, and he knew Varric knew his first name. He supposed he never really told anyone else his first name. Not like it mattered.
“I’m sorry, I thought you knew,” Hawke grinned, “I didn’t know it was a big deal.”
“It’s not a big deal, it’s just surprising,” Anders said quickly.
“It suits you though,” Merrill added, “Garrett.”
“Ugh,” Hawke scoffed, “Please just call me Hawke.”
Fenris was still being quiet at the Hanged Man. He even avoided eye contact with Hawke. Was he really that mad that Hawke hadn’t told him his first name? The two of them were close, even despite the fact that Hawke was a mage, but he didn’t think this would be such a big deal. Hawke would even say they had a semi-romantic relationship at this point, unless Fenris flirted with all his friends. Hawke didn’t, at least not anymore.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Varric laughed, “None of you guys knew his first name?”
“I did!” Aveline protested. Grumpily, she took a swig of her drink.
“Okay sure, but no one else? Not even broody?” Fenris seemed to flinch a little when Varric said this, but no one else seemed to notice it.
“He never said!” Isabela exclaimed.
“Sure, but his brother’s name is Carver Hawke. Did you think his name was Hawke Hawke?”
“To be honest, I didn’t know their last names were Hawke,” Merril admitted. She was sitting next to Isabela, leaning against the other woman slightly. She had a glass of water in front of her. It was surprising she was able to get that here in the first place. Hawke could have sworn they only served alcohol here.
“Honestly, guys, it’s not a big deal,” Hawke smiled lightly, “Just keep calling me Hawke. It’ll feel weird if everyone suddenly calls me Garrett.”
Fenris remained quiet for the rest of the night, sitting there brooding by himself. Any attempts to initiate conversation resulted in failure. As the night came to a close, everyone began to go their separate ways. The only problem there was that Hawke and Fenris always walked home together, since they both lived in Hightown.
Usually, they could have easy conversation with each other. Now, however, there was only uncomfortable silence.
“Um, Fenris,” Hawke began awkwardly, “Are you mad I didn’t tell you my first name?”
“No,” Fenris denied it quickly, but it looked like it was bothering him.
“It’s not really a big deal,” Hawke tried, “No one else knew either.”
“Aveline knew,” Fenris muttered, which cemented the fact that it was bothering him.
“She’s also known me longest,” Hawke pointed out.
“I just thought...” Fenris trailed off, apparently thinking better of saying anything.
“Thought?” Hawke prompted. Fenris looked away, face scrunched up, like he was debating telling Hawke what he was thinking.
“It’s foolish of me,” Fenris insisted. Hawke could tell this was going to keep bothering him if he didn’t fix this now. Plus, Hawke’s curiosity was killing him.
“I’m sure it’s not, just tell me please?” Hawke asked, brushing his fingers against Fenris’s. Fenris’s fingers twitched, and then he pulled them into a fist. Hawke frowned at the rejection, but said nothing.
“I thought that we were good friends,” Fenris started, “And so when I learned I didn’t even know your first name... I thought maybe we aren’t so close after all. That’s all. Are you happy now?”
Hawke was taken aback. Did it really bother him this badly? Hawke also considered Anders a close friend, but it didn’t bother him he didn’t know his real name. It was just a name, after all.
“I didn’t know it was important to you,” Hawke said, “Really, everyone calls me Hawke. It’s normal not to know.”
“Even as a friend, though?” Fenris pursed his lips, “I should have been able to figure it out, but I couldn’t.”
“I’m sorry,” Hawke apologized, because he really didn’t want Fenris making that sad puppy face anymore, “I didn’t know it would be a big deal or I would have told you.”
Fenris still looked upset after that. Hawke had an idea, but it was so childish he didn’t even know if it would work on Fenris.
“Would it make you feel better if I told you my middle name?” Hawke asked Fenris. The other man glanced over at him, but didn’t reply.
“No one else knows it, not even Varric,” Hawke said, “It would be something only you know.”
Fenris looked like he was genuinely considering it.
“It’s Malcom, after my father,” Hawke said, “Now you know! And only you.”
It was a cheap appeasement, Hawke knew, but it seemed to make Fenris feel better.
“Really, it’s not a measure of our friendship whether or not you know my name, though. You know a lot about me that others don’t.” Hawke said conversationally, throwing an arm around Fenris’s shoulders, loosely enough that Fenris could shake him off if he wanted to.
He didn’t.
_____
Fenris knew he reacted childishly to finding out he didn’t know Hawke’s first name. Only two of the group actually did know it.
However. When he thought that he didn’t even know Hawke’s first name, let alone even think about the fact that Hawke was a family name, he felt guilty. He had never looked past it, never questioned it. But if he had tried just a little, he would have known. And that upset him more than he was willing to admit, that maybe his and Hawke’s relationship wasn’t as special as he thought it was.
Rationally he knew Hawke introduced himself to everyone as Hawke, wanted to be called Hawke. But knowing that Varric and Aveline knew his name while he himself didn’t bothered him a lot. He considered himself the closest person to Hawke, not that he would ever admit it. The idea that he might not be upset him greatly.
It didn’t seem to bother Hawke, but it sure as hell bothered Fenris. Hawke didn’t even mind that most of his friends didn’t know his name. That part was also frustrating. Hawke didn’t seem to think it was a big deal that only two of his close friends actually knew his name. Only two of his closest friends had bothered to learn this information about him. Not even Fenris had.
He had to let it go, though, at least outwardly. It would be weird if Fenris was more hung up on this than Hawke was. So, he let it go with just a middle name. A secret, just for him and Hawke.
Trying to relax in his bed, Fenris closed his eyes. It was small, and probably childish, but it was nice being the only one who knew Hawke’s middle name. Malcom. Just like that, childishly, he and Hawke’s relationship felt special again. If he had knowledge others didn’t, that meant he was closer to Hawke than any of them.
For now, that was enough.