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This feeling has been lingering with Genya since he woke up, sometimes it is unbearable and sometimes it is barely there.
There are two apples on the table beside Genya, one for him and one for his older brother. Both are untouched and have been since the moment Sanemi put them down and told him to eat about two hours ago. The problem is that Genya is not hungry, he's just tired. He’s been told more than once that his body is in desperate need of food and his stomach has shrunk over the weeks he had been asleep. Still, imagining eating makes Genya feel nauseous.
Sanemi is speaking to a doctor outside of Genya’s room, about what he does not know. Hopefully they're talking about when he can be released. Being confined to a little room and a bed is mind numbing when he has enough energy to stay awake. Nemi said that he’d have more energy when he ate more, and then called him an idiot afterwards.
Genya picks the bright red thing up and puts it to his lips, but he does not take a bite. He imagines the texture and the way it will feel in his mouth and he just feels awful. The apple is placed back onto the table, Genya lays back down from his sitting position and pretends to be asleep. He'll slip back into unconsciousness eventually but for now he just pretends.
Some small feeling of apprehension is rooting in his heart, Genya is always afraid that when he looks away Sanemi will have jumped another hundred miles ahead. After everything that's happened, he knows that he will no longer be able to catch up if his brother does. There are no more demons to hunt, so whatever Sanemi picks to excel in next isn't something Genya has a sure chance at.
Although his brother would tell him he had no chance with demon hunting either. He might've been somewhat right, but Genya is still here now isn't he?
Lying still, Genya listens as closely as he possibly can to the voices outside his door. It's a sturdy thing and they're talking lowly, at some points Genya ceases to hear any conversation at all. He can't make out any individual words, but as long as there is some sort of mumble Sanemi hasn’t left yet.
His face is impartial but his thin eyebrows betray worry. Not that they betray that to anyone in particular, after all, Genya is alone in a little room.
Sanemi hadn’t eaten his apple because of an old habit. He never used to eat anything until all of their younger siblings ate. It had always been impossible to offer any of his own food to Sanemi unless he snuck his portion onto Sanemi’s plate. Given how clumsy Genya used to be he didn't successfully sneak anything very often.
The mumbling words die down for real and a beat passes. Each second after stretches on towards eternity until the door cracks open quietly. Genya shuts his eyes and listens to each light footstep across the wooden floor. The chair squeals just slightly under Sanemi’s weight.
“I know you're awake, you idiot.” He says harshly.
Genya opens his eyes, but they are heavy. He would’ve fallen asleep eventually at any rate. He would almost even say that he’d rather be asleep, that is, if his brother had not willingly chose to be by his side.
Every day spent with Sanemi is a good day, Genya thinks, and sits back up. “I was tired.” He offers, and Sanemi levels him with an angry look.
This is the new brother that Genya has come to know, but he still can see past the façade easily. Nemi is still the kindest person, Genya knows that, and sometimes he's shocked that other people can't see it too. The child that his older brother used to be might have never raised a hand against him but that child had not been accused of murder by his only remaining family.
Genya understands it all too well, but it seems sometimes like Sanemi doesn't see it himself. He nearly growls under his breath before grabbing the apple and thrusting it into Genya’s face. “You're just trying to avoid this.” Sanemi says sharply.
Genya’s mouth flattens into an embarrassed line. He doesn't try to deny it.
His brother takes his hand and opens it, then forces the apple into his palm with a bit more force than necessary.
“I’m not looking away until you finish this whole apple Genya.”
His stomach turns and his tongue feels thick. He says “Okay.” and then takes a bite.
Sweet and bland and red. The more Genya chews the less he wants to swallow. He shouldn’t really be having this issue either, and the irony is not lost on him at all that he could routinely devour the flesh of demons and yet cannot choke down one bite of an apple. It's just that the texture is bad, and the more it falls apart the worse it gets. It's just a simple taste too, barely registering and yet it sticks to the back of his throat.
He puts the apple down on the table and chokes back his bite, one hand over his mouth, the other over his stomach. As soon as it goes down he gags and feels it come halfway back up.
Sanemi watches with gritted teeth and restless hands. Genya knows he's worried his older brother, or maybe disappointed him. Genya lays back and waits for his stomach to settle. When he dares a glance at his brother the other boy is gripping his knees.
“Sorry.” Genya utters, feeling weak and pathetic.
Sanemi takes a second before he shakes his head and another before he answers. “Just take your time.” His voice comes out gentle, which isn't a shock to Genya.
It's like this every time. Sanemi makes him choke down something and watches with a detached sort of horror while Genya proves he knows little of being a human.
He's really more like an animal. Not fully made for hospitals and little rooms and big brothers who sit by your side.
Genya has given up a lot of himself to catch up to Nemi, and now he's caught up. He apologized, his brother is here even now and that must be some form of forgiveness, even if they both dance around the actual topic. Genya even aided in taking down upper moon one, helping Sanemi crucially during the fight. He's done everything he set out to do.
But he can't help but feel this sense of urgency. Now that there is nowhere to rush and Genya is not rushing, he feels as though he is being left behind. He’s just not used to the peace he and countless others fought for and won with their lives.
But like peace, it's always easier to take another bite after choking the first one down. Genya picks the apple back up on his own and takes another bite, struggling to swallow it. He does it for his brother, he does all of it for Sanemi.
He just couldn't pass on and leave the other boy alone.
Genya swallows again, ruminates on how terrible it is, and takes another bite. It gets easier, and easier still, even if his stomach pinches a bit. In the corner of his eye Sanemi picks up his own, and Genya turns to his brother with a little smile. They eat together, quiet except for the occasional passing conversation outside of the little room.
Half of the apple gets eaten before Genya makes a liar of his brother and puts it down for good. Sanemi doesn't push him for any more than that, just turns his eyes somewhere else, indifferent or at least trying to appear so.
With that careful sense of purposelessness, Sanemi reaches one hand up and lays it on Genya’s head. This, at least, surprises Genya, even though he sees it coming. He hasn't had any closeness with his brother that hasn't been painful in a very long time. Even seeing his brother reach up, Genya can only think: ‘What is he doing?’
When he realizes something in him warms, achingly, and Genya leans forward to catch Sanemi in a hug.
Sanemi sputters, “What is up with you?”
Genya just rubs his face closer to his brother, he half shrugs, he doesn't know. In response to his non answer Sanemi just grumbles.
“Lay back down you idiot, you're going to hurt yourself.”
Even though he says that, Sanemi’s arms reach down and hug him in return, and Genya can feel the apple core behind him. His brother uses his free hand to rub his back, the other one just rests uselessly there. It means everything to him.
The overwhelming feeling that everything will be okay is curling inside of Genya, it turns twice and balls up like a small cat, below his throat and right above his heart. But it doesn't really last.
When he drops forward a bit more Sanemi pushes him back and Genya falls the rest of the way into his pillow. Despite how exhausted he is he knows he can’t sleep anymore, there’s something about the fuzziness of his mind that keeps him awake. It gets like this often, Genya doesn’t know why but he’s sure his brother has demanded the answer from every poor doctor he’s come across.
They say he’s healing, and it could be any number of reasons. Genya has his own theory.
He wasn’t meant to survive, he really wasn’t. Any injury to Genya’s head was never one he was supposed to be able to heal from. But the thing is, Genya had of course never tried that before. It would have meant death for him, he was absolutely sure of it, and there was no reason to test it. People who eat demons have existed before, Genya researched them with Himejima. From what he could glean, there was only one wound that those people never healed from.
In spite of all of that, his other half regrew.
Genya thinks that for something as strenuous and impossible as that, he must have come back wrong. His body is rejecting food, rejecting thought, rejecting life. That must be why he’d rather sleep, it's a second-string death.
“Did you hear anything about maybe, ehm... “ He trails off, caught a bit unaware of his own words, “Me being released? From here?”
Sanemi leans back and sighs in annoyance, “You don't need to worry about that kind of stuff, just let me take care of it.”
“So not anytime soon?” Genya hums. His brother replies with pursed lips “Maybe so.”
Try as he might, it's hard to hide how smothering the little room really is. When Genya is asleep he does not dream, when he wakes he exists in a fog. The little room presses down on him, in some ways, at times the very air he breathes feels dense. The only upside would be his brother, but he can only gather the energy to speak every so often.
Today is not a lesser death type of day, and those have been coming more often as of late.
“Sometimes-” his voice is too loud in his own ears, it startles Sanemi. Genya swallows and feels the ghost of a bite struggle at the back of his throat. “Sometimes,” he continues, more quiet, “it kind of feels like I'm still in half.”
Sanemi, who had been looking with an uneasy curiosity, nearly crumples with Genya’s words.
“Don't say that.” He says it sharply enough to rebuke, but it only takes a second for Genya to continue.
“I worry about, you know.” Genya feels stupid, hes sure his brother doesn't know. “Falling apart.”
Mostly, Sanemi reacts to things with anger. He’s learned it from a lifetime of heartache and a father who was never worth a damn. Genya understands because he did something similar for a long time, angry at everyone, no matter who they were or what they said. Underneath all of that Genya understands his brother just doesn't know how else to convey the swirling mess inside.
Mostly, Sanemi needs to put forth his barbs, they're a safety measure. To make sure whatever comes next is protected by his own sneering and abuse. And Genya can never claim to fully understand that, maybe because he’s spent so long struggling to give Sanemi an apology without a single ambiguous word. Maybe because Sanemi hurts in a way that Genya just can't fathom.
Mostly, his older brother is hurtful when he feels hurt.
So Genya is sure that the next moment will be punctuated by the slamming of a door, and It is almost blind sighting when Sanemi stands up and sits down at the side of Genya’s bed. He lifts the blankets and shuffles under, hanging off the side a bit. An arm comes around Genya’s shoulder and the other locks in it's hand.
“You're okay.” Sanemi says, “I'll hold you together.”
In the time that it takes to register those words Genya is a world away. He's home again, with all of his siblings and his mother, all dogpiled together and looped around each other. He and His eldest sibling are the only two awake, save for their mother who never seems to sleep. Its easy to smile again, its easy to smile at Nemi. He's a world away in a home where it had never once been hard to smile at his brother. Its so dark, and Genya can hear the murmur of fabric that fell over his mothers lap. He can imagine her sewing holes shut, looking up every once in a while, and in those times when she would look upon them they would close their eyes and stifle snickers. Genya no longer has a mother, just a brother who he does not close his eyes to.
He can't really help it, Genya bursts into tears. Quiet ones, at least, but when he buries his head under his brother's chin they soak past Sanemi’s shirt.
This feeling has been lingering with Genya since he woke up, sometimes it is unbearable and sometimes it is barely there. Like if he doesn't hold himself tightly he'll split in half and be back there, lying on the floor with every nerve alight in pain. As if it we're not for the density of the air in a stale little room Genya may have never woken up at all.
So he's scared, he's scared to stand and eat and think and leave this little room. Genya shakes a bit with the forces of his tears, shudders and all his breaths become shallow. He shouldn't cry on his brother, shouldn't make the other boy worry and deal with him.
Hasn't Sanemi already been through enough? Should he have to shoulder Genya too?
“M’ s-so-sorry,” It's just a wavering voice, but to himself, Genya is louder than he should be.
“Ah shut up.” Sanemi says offhandedly, and then backtracks when Genya sucks in a harsh breath, “I mean- Listen don't shut up, just- you don't have to apologize okay?”
There's no reply from Genya, only more tears.
Squeezing his arms tighter, Sanemi curls around his brother, hiding him as best he could. When the worst of Genya’s weeping ebbs the elder takes one hand to hold the back of his head. Genya cannot see what kind of face his brother might be making, he cannot see anything though the fabric and the blurry tears.
“I'm always gonna protect you okay?” Sanemi mutters, “So don't go apologizing when you fall apart a little, it's okay, okay? I can just put you back together.”
Genya can do little more than hum a wet “mhm.” and clutch the back of Sanemi’s shirt.
For the first time Genya considers that he may have scars that are not just skin deep, that perhaps something about his life has made him weak today, and it shames him. That he may never split in half but always feel like he is on the brink of it.
Something similar to the uneasy feeling Genya had once had about his teacher. That because Himejima had been so much taller than him in life, it reminded Genya of something he could not forget. Genya cries for his teacher, he hasn't had a chance to miss him yet. He looks back on those first days training with the stone pillar and it shames him again. Flinching away despite never having met the man previously.
More scars, more scars that sink into his body even further than the mottled tissue he can see.
Genya is sure that he gave Sanemi a scar like that, something that makes him flinch and pause. Genya feels like a monster for it.
“I'm s-sor-rry N-nemi.” Genya blubbers, “M’ sorry f-for saying that.”
He can't find it in himself to say it all out loud, not at this particular moment. Genya has apologized for it, but doesn't feel like he's done so properly. Even now the younger chokes down more painful words, he knows they would have no use if they were thrown out like this.
He's right, Sanemi doesn't even seem to recognize what Genya is apologizing for, he just shushes him. His brother’s hand strokes his hair absently, Genya imagines that he has stopped listening a while ago. There will be more chances in the future that they have fought together for and won.
There is more time, even if it will belong to this little room for a while longer.