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Scraping by a visit to the afterlife by the skin of one’s teeth is a horrible ordeal, and there isn’t just one way to do it. Really, the quantity of horror depends on how one's life was threatened.
For Sanemi, he's come so close to death so many times throughout his life that it hardly bothers him. And yet the last night of demonkind left a scar on his mind that he had never once endured before. Facing a creature like Muzen was unspeakable, something with so much power that it can't even be described. Sanemi was one of two pillars that survived that night.
Pillars no more. Giyuu and Sanemi have served and now disbanded, there were no demon slayers anymore. No need for what he has dedicated his entire being too. The question of ‘What next’ has not really sunk in yet though, mostly Sanemi contemplates his survival.
He taps a finger on the bedside table. Sanemi only has eight of those left. Technically, he shouldn’t be sitting up yet, or out of his own bed, but the irresistible urge to sit by Genya’s side obviously won out.
The child laying, nearly completely covered by blankets, had a brush with death as well. Genya hadn’t made it to the final showdown, he’d barely survived upper moon one.
Genya was a weakling, and Sanemi had told him so many times. Little Genya who couldn't use breaths, who only had his human strength until he forsook it for that of a demon. His kid brother.
His only surviving brother.
Sanemi reached out and put his hand on Genya’s forehead, willing him to wake up, willing him to be alright. He’s been asleep for so long, weeks and weeks after everything has ended. Still healing from something he should not be able to heal from.
After locating his brother in the dust settling period of Muzen’s death Sanemi finally caved and dedicated himself. He asked Genya’s friends, including the Kamado siblings, about Genya’s powers, about who he had become while Sanemi wasn’t looking.
There was a long time where Sanemi could’ve pretended that he had no life but to fight endlessly. He didn't think about what he would do after it was all over because he never thought it would end. In the deepest recesses of his mind, as much as Sanemi was truly dedicated to eradicating all demons, he saw no future for himself and therefore saw no end to the violence.
Well. Here is his future. Here is his brother, safe underneath the palm of his hand.
It's hard to quantify the horror of it all.
Genya’s hair is ratty underneath his head, but there are so many hurting people that it's hard to divide all medical personnel between them. There is no one to brush and trim a child’s hair. Sanemi promises himself that as soon as the sun reaches over the horizon he’ll leave Genya’s side and track down a hairbrush. For now he can't bring himself to do so.
The weird calm expression his younger brother wore while dying is haunting Sanemi. When they had both been sure that he would die, at least.
Like there were no regrets.
It takes everything not to use his remaining fingers and clutch onto Genya’s clothes. Sanemi hates that expression he wore, it was just like every placating smile that Genya had worn as a child. When they were too poor to eat, Genya would wear that smile to try and reassure Sanemi that he was alright, that there was nothing he’d rather do.
So long, Sanemi thinks, it has been so long since he's seen Genya smile and it just had to be that goddamn smile.
“You should have regrets.” Sanemi hisses, “You should regret not finding a wife and living a full life. How can you possibly have been okay with dying when all you’ve lived through is hell.”
Genya doesn't answer, he never does, because he is fast asleep. So still and silent that it fills Sanemi with anxiety. Genya’s breaths rise so small that he could pass away in a whisper.
Nothing in life is fair and this is proof, not that Sanemi needed anymore past the day all but one of his family members were slaughtered. He sighs hard, it's very loud in the otherwise silent room.
Once Genya’s recovery was a certainty they moved him to a smaller single room for resting, but Sanemi still feels like he could pass away in a second. Upon voicing these concerns all he got was horrible pitying looks. He didn't comment on it after that.
Sanemi leans down and rests his head on his brother’s chest, to ease his fear. He remembers the scar bisecting Genya vertically and Instead it replaces that fear with a sense of self hatred.
“I won't leave you alone anymore.” Sanemi mumbles.
Genya doesn't answer.
“I've really got nothing else to do.”
Still silence.
It doesn't feel right to be by anyone’s side, much less Genya’s. For too many reasons, and really there shouldn’t ever even be more than one. But there's no point in listing them, and there are no more demons so he has nothing to keep him tethered to this world other than family.
When Genya wakes up, and Sanemi repeats in his head that he will wake up, he will wake up in a different world. That at least, is something that Sanemi has pride for. The world is a safer place, a place where his brother can live peacefully.
When Genya wakes up Sanemi does not know what he’ll say.
He’s spent a long time putting Genya down, verbally berating him, physically beating him up. It had been much easier to hide his affection and his fear behind hatred. If he could just have scared Genya off then he wouldn't be laying in this bed, dead to the world for weeks.
Sanemi lifts his head up and leans over. The moon is long gone and a tinge of light has begun to peak past the all encompassing blue of the sky. Another full day has passed. Sanemi breaths in and blows it out softly.
“I promise we can be brothers again when you wake up.” He chokes.
A few stray tears fall onto the blanket. He’s not sure of himself, he doesn't want to face Genya. He doesn't want to face the child whose mother he murdered. But it's what Genya wants, for some reason, and after seeing him cut in half bleeding onto the floor Sanemi finds it hard to theoretically deny him anything.
He stands and lingers, moving the fringe of Genya’s hair out of his face. He lingers some more until he forces himself from the spot and through the door. Sanemi closes it quietly and treks down the hall.
Plenty of people are awake, but they're all quiet as well, either restless visitors like himself, or doctors readying treatments. Sanemi slips past them all without regard, and in return does not pay any mind. He's not sure if he's no longer of any note because he is no longer a pillar or it it is because they are too tired to recognize him. Most slayers that were not pillars themselves were very intimidated by Sanemi.
In a basket within a closet filled with general care items, Sanemi finds a hairbrush. Now that he's out of that small room he finds himself wanting to go back less and less.
It's a terribly contradictory feeling. He never wants to let Genya out of his sight again and at the same time he would rather die than ruin that child’s life any further. Sanemi turns the wooden thing over in his hands, it's nothing special, he pours over it as if it is.
He forces his legs to walk again and it becomes easier to accept. One day at a time Sanemi can acclimate himself to his scars, he just has to keep moving forward. It's a slow process, and so he takes his time getting back.
“Shinazugawa-san?” Comes a voice that Sanemi doesn't think he's ever heard before.
That's so strange to him, considering he's seen Nezuko about a dozen times. She looks mostly the same, but there's a new cognizant tilt to her head, whereas before it had remained falsely childish.
Now she is just a child.
Sanemi turns to her fully and regards her with a neutral expression, or perhaps a slightly embarrassed one. Yes he had been an asshole to her. He feels bad about it now of course.
“How are you?” Nezuko asks pleasantly.
“Ah. Yeah, I’m.. I'm alright.” Sanemi replies.
Mindless questions are meant to be exchanged with acquaintances, so it throws Sanemi off that a girl he stabbed would ask such a thing. He really thought she would hate him, but he supposes he should have known better judging by Kamado Tanjiro’s stupidly pleasant disposition.
Nezuko beams, “I’m glad,” whooshes out of her, like she has worried for Sanemi.
Has she worried for Sanemi? He hopes to god that she hasn’t, it would just make him feel even more guilty about the stabbing thing.
“I hope you have a very nice day, and um, sleep a little!” She says.
“Ehm, thanks.” He awkwardly pushes out. “You too.”
Nezuko smiles again, so sweetly, “Thank you! I think I will, I like to sleep a lot after all.” She laughs a bit like there's some joke he should be getting.
But all Sanemi can see is a younger sibling, a child. Someone who he should not leave, someone who needs him. Sanemi smiles back, beyond his will, and feels some easy feeling bloom in his chest. Sanemi pats Nezuko on the head.
He waves goodbye to her and turns away, no matter what stupid feelings he has locked around his heart, he cannot take them out of Genya. He can't leave this time, not until his brother has found a happy life and begun to live to his fullest.
Sanemi turns the knob of the door to his little brother's room and walks halfway through it. Genya turns at the sound, sitting half upright in his bed.
He has this skittish look about him, so different from his face in sleep, and it's clear that he doesn't understand. Probably doesn't even understand that he has been in a coma for weeks. He has tired lines under his eyes, it seems like he cant quite keep them all the way open. Genya will be back asleep in a short while, Sanemi can already tell, but he's awake right now. For the first time since facing an enemy that nearly took his life.
Genya’s hair is flattened against the back of his head and it needs to be brushed but Sanemi has long since dropped the wooden thing. He runs to his brother's side, and when Sanemi gets there he’ll hear Genya’s heartbeat.
Regardless of the scar left there.