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Remus Lupin stood outside the familiar door, the carved owls on its wood silently mocking him, struggling to find the courage to walk into the Headmaster’s office. He took a mental note of what he must have looked like standing there, his jacket torn from the fight, a cut still open and bleeding over his right eyebrow, his eyes swollen after last night’s transformation. Thank Merlin the moon had come the day before, otherwise things would have evolved in a much, much different way.
Taking a deep breath, he pushed through the door. Dumbledore was leaning on his desk, talking quietly to the figure curled up on a chair in front of him, woolen blanket rapped around the man’s thin shoulders. He must have noticed him then, for he looked up and walked up to him. Placing a hand on his arm and whispering softly “I will leave you two to talk.”, Remus realized once again how his pale, always-knowing blue eyes looked at him with compassion, almost pity. He loathed that look.
The bang of the closing door startled him, pushing him forward, his legs unconsciously leading him next to the man, eyes sealed to the floor.
“You look good.” That rasp, weak and barely-audible voice was enough to make him look up and Remus hoped his flinch wasn’t visible.
“Bet I look like shit, don’t I?” the slightest trace of a grin this time, revealing only but a fragment of the Sirius Black he used to know.
The truth was, he looked awful. The once flushed, beautiful face was now replaced by hollow cheeks and abnormally sharp cheekbones. The thin strands of black hair falling miserably in front of his hooded eyes bore no resemblance to the thick, shiny locks and glimmering gaze he seemed to know so well a lifetime ago. Remus’s stomach turned when he remembered their earlier embrace, how he was terrified that if he held him too tight he might break, or worse- dissolve into thin air and lose him again.
The silence that had fallen between them had stretched for too long.
“Is Harry alright?” Sirius asked suddenly, before he could think of anything to say.
“I believe so, madam Pomfrey is patching him up but I trust he will be better soon.” he heard himself saying.
Sirius nodded.
“That’s good. You are hurt, too.” His eyes drifted over to the scar on his eyebrow but Remus waved his hand.
“I can take it.” he couldn’t bear the small talk anymore. “Sirius, I am so sorry. I understand if you want to stay away from me. I promise I will never contact Harry without your permission- ” The man before him starting shaking his head frantically, saying “No, no, no, no!”
“Do not do this now, I don’t have the strength. If you want to talk we will in due time but for now, the fact that you and Harry are alright and that Pettigrew is in the hands of the ministry is enough.”
“Alright, yes. Please, come stay with me.If- If you want to, I mean. Which you probably won’t bu- but, what I’m trying to say is, you are welcome.” Remus couldn’t remember the last time he had stuttered in his life, he must have been a kid. Sirius noticed, too.
“I’d hate to be a burden, I’m sure I’ll find a room at Hogsmeade.
“You are no burden, I have a rental house down at the village- nothing big -but it’s quiet and the press will have trouble finding you there.”
It was the first time he looked him in the eye. For a second he allowed himself to be deceived into thinking they were young boys again, in Dumbledore’s office being scolded for blowing up a classroom. Absentmindedly, he had placed his palm on Sirius’s bony knee and he quickly pulled back as if he’d burned himself.
“A little peace and quiet I could use, if I’m being honest.”
Standing up, he nodded and turned to exit the room.
His head was spinning, his attention so completely absorbed by the words he’d shared with Sirius, that he almost collided with the Headmaster.
“Oh, Professor Lupin, mr Black, I was just coming to inform you that you are free to leave, the ministry have all the information on mr Black they need for now.” Then he turned on his heels and yelled over his shoulder: “I’ll come by your house, Professor, if anything urgent comes up, shall I?” leaving the two men behind.
They had barely reached the entrance hall when they heard the muffled sound of voices, followed by no other than McGonagall’s screams to “Please keep out or else I shall curse each and every one of you.”
Her exasperated voice was followed by the sound of heeled boots walking quickly across the stone floors.
“I am certainly glad to see some things never change.” Remus couldn’t help but chuckle at the observation. “Huh, even your laugh sounds the same.”
“That’s because I’m still me, Sirius.” The tenderness in his voice surprised even himself.
But Remus had noticed,too. Just knowing that the person standing beside him was Padfoot gave him the same flatter in his stomach as ever. Yet there they were, 12 years had past since the last time they ever saw each other, older beyond their years and with enough trauma to last them for more than one lifetime.
“How are we going to get away, then?” Merlin, will he ever get used to that sound again?
“Oh please, as if this is about to be the first time we sneak out of the castle undetected together.” Rolling his eyes on Sirius felt like the most comfortable thing in the world.
Smiling fondly at the memories, the two men jogged up the marble stairs to the third floor, stopping to catch their breath against the wall of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.
“I am going to miss teaching so much.” Remus was trying to take in everything around him, realizing bitterly that he probably won’t pass through this door ever again.
Sirius came to stand next to him, exposed tattooed chest still rising and falling in a rapid rythm. He tried not to stare.
“I’m sure you were a great teacher. Just as we always knew you would be.
By ‘We’, of course, he meant their old group of friends. At least, he thought, now he knows he’s not the only one left. He never had been.
“We should get going, Minnie won’t be able to hold them much longer.”
The old one-eyed witch’s statue stood where it always had. A tap of his wand softly at the hump and a whisper: ‘Dissendium’ was all it took for the passage to open. The entrance seemed significantly smaller that the last time he’d used it but he squeezed into it with no particular difficulty. Sirius’s steps, light as a cat’s, were following close behind him, the luminous light he cast in the dark alley lighting their way to the cellar.
They broke easily out of the candy shop, glad to finally feel the fresh summer breeze hit their faces.
They walked the rest of their way in a comfortable silence and during that time Remus’s heart almost burst at the sight of Sirius. The smaller man was pacing with his hands clasped behind his back, eyes closed and head tilted back in a comical resemblance of a dog being taken out for a walk.
Soon enough Lupin’s small house came in sight and he rushed to open the door.
“You must be exhausted” he started as he turned the lights on to reveal the inside of the cabin. It wasn’t so much small as cozy, filled with big armchairs and fuzzy carpets, every surface covered with either a book or a funny shaped jar or something that had absolutely no practical use other than taking up space. Remus kicked himself for not having tied up earlier.
“Bathroom’s down the hall, if you want to clean up. Or maybe have something to eat first? Whatever you want. I’ll start with the tea.”
“Remus, relax. A shower sounds great.”
“Great, I will bring you a change of clothes.”
He quickly went into the bedroom, casting cleaning spells on his way, and found the warmest and most comfortable sweater and flannel pajama bottoms he could find. Nights were cold up here, even in June.
The water was already running inside the bathroom so he left them on a neatly folded pile on the dresser by the door and put on the kettle.
“I think i want to lay down, if that’s alright.”
Remus’s head snapped up and his heart skipped a beat. Sirius was standing in front of him wearing his clothes, practically drowning in them, damp hair tucked behind his ears and smelling strongly of his own muggle shampoo.
“I- Yes, of course. Bedroom’s the door on the right.”
“Oh no, no. The couch will do.”
It was too late to be having this conversation.
“Please, Sirius. Just let me do this for you.” His voice as well as his eyes must have betrayed his guilt, for Sirius did-surprisingly enough- as he was told.
He took one of the steaming mugs and sat down on the lumpy couch by the window. The starlit sky was empty of the moon, which always made him feel at ease.
Remus almost fell on his ass when he heard the first scream.
'Dementors' he thought at first. 'They've come for him'.
He burst into the bedroom, wand at the ready, only to find Sirius sitting on the bed with his face in his hands, sobbing quietly.
"Oh, Padfoot." The teacher didn't think twice before climbing next to the man. "Listen to me. You are in my house, at Hogsmeade, Peter is arrested and Harry is safe. Take a deep breath for me." Nightmares were a daily occurrence during the first war, back when they lived together in London. Dealing with a distressed Sirius was in his nature.
"I didn't- I couldn't stop him. I tried but- I swear I did."
"I know, I know. I'll get you some water."
"No!" Thin fingers laced around his elbow then slithered down and gently tagged at his palm. "Stay."
"Always." He whispered as he positioned himself on the other side of the bed, their fingers still entwined, but otherwise keeping distance.
"It's been so long." He Remus couldn't see Sirius's face in the dark but heard his sigh.
"Twelve years."
"Feels longer. It was terrible, Moony. I couldn't even think of you or Harry, they fed off of me. All I could do is obsess about Peter and my revenge. Every time a memory of you would come- no matter how small- they would notice. Especially during full moons."
He heard him shift on his side. The room was still pitch dark.
"If I had stayed with you that night, during your transformation. If I had never refused to be James and Lily's secret keeper in the first place, everything would have been so different."
"There still was a war, Padfoot. We might not have made it out alive either way. It doesn't do well to dwell on the past. Get some rest, we can talk in the morning." And just like that, the two former lovers fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
Morning came fast and Remus was the first to rise. He immediately got round on making breakfast and he'd only just brewed the tea when he heard the first knock. Hesitantly, he peeped through the window and sighed in relief when he saw Dumbledore standing on his doorstep.
"Good morning, Professor Lupin. I trust you had a good night?" He rarely awaited an answer to his questions. "I'm certain you did. May I come in?"
Remus stepped aside. "I suppose you are here to talk with Sirius?"
"Who's here to talk with me?"
Both the headmaster and he turned to see a freshly woken up Sirius stretching his arms above his head in a ridiculous attempt to wake his muscles. Once again, Remus couldn't help but notice how the hem of his sweater lifted at the movement, revealing a thin line of pale skin. Averting his eyes quickly, he sat at the kitchen table.
"Ah, mr. Black. I have good news. Mr. Pettigrew was taken to the Ministry last night and after long hours of interrogation, he succumbed. We managed to find out the names of a good many other Deatheaters and we are gradually gaining more information as we speak. I am very glad to say that you are officially a free man, even though a trial must be held for typical reasons."
The headmaster's face fell at that point, taking the stern look he did every once in a blue moon whenever he needed to be serious.
"I believe that I owe you my personal apology." He lifted his arm in protest as Sirius made to speak. "No, I do. We should have looked into the matter in depth before we acted. Things are not looking very well for the future. The information we got out of Peter is very unsettling and I am afraid that the outcome is inevitable" The dreamy smile came again. "On a side note, Harry would very much like to see you again. Both of you. Poor boy, it was the first thing he asked for when he woke up."
"Yes!" Sirius took a step forward. "Please, tell him to visit as soon as he's able. I know he probably has to go back in with his aunt, but could it be possible to arrange it?" His eyes searched Dumbledore's face for an answer impatiently.
"Harry needs, for safety reasons, to eventually go back to Privet Drive. I don't see however, the harm in letting him visit you. I shall speak with him as soon as I get back to the castle."
"Send him around for lunch, he'll be back in time to catch the train." Sirius nodded at Remus his thanks.
"Alright, then. I must be off. It is incredible to see the two of you together again. Until next time." With a loud bang, he disappeared from sight, leaving the two men shifting and blushing on spot.
Lunchtime came fast, for they'd had a late start this morning. Remus could tell that Sirius was nervous and he made no attempt to calm him down, something he'd learned would end badly, if his previous experience was anything to go by.
The second guest of the day arrived soon enough. Harry came in and Remus once again was taken aback by his resemblance to James. The two looked almost identical, it was ridiculous. The only difference was that Harry's skin was a soft caramel colour, a few shades lighter than his dad's and -of course- the eyes. Lily's eyes, staring right back at him.
"Harry! I'm so glad to see you. Come in, take a sit. I believe there is someone who would like to talk to you." The boy returned his smile, stepping in the house. He was rather scrawny, but healthily so, the ideal body type and posture for a skilled seeker. Even his style reminded him of James, light blue jeans, red converse and flannel shirt over a simple t-shirt. The only thing he lacked was his parents 'confidence. As if the last thing he wanted was people's eyes on him. Remus couldn't blame the kid.
"Harry James Potter. It is so good to finally meet you properly."
Their voices faded when Remus left the room. A few minutes later he was back, an old photo album clasped to his chest.
"This, Harry, is all I have left of your parents." He traced his fingers lightly over the brown cover. The Marauders, it read.
"There were seven of us. Moony, Prongs, Padfoot, Wormtail and three other unofficial members, you could say." Sirius looked up and his eyes caught Remus's for the briefest moment.
"Tell me about them. I want to know everything." Harry had taken the book in his hands and gently opened the first page where a single picture was taped with their names signed underneath.
With Harry sited between them, they started the old, painful and brilliant tale.
"That one, on the far right, is me. I used to be awfully handsome then, as you can clearly see." A chuckle and a roll of the eyes. "That next to me is Marlene." Sirius pointed to a pretty blonde girl with hair cut short, just below her ears. She was moving- laughing to be precise- and that sound filled Remus's ears, giving him shivers down his spine. "Next to her is Dorcas, good friend of ours and an even better Beater, let me tell you." The girl next to Marlene was tall with braids falling past her waist, rich brown skin glowing in the candle light. One toned arm was wrapped around her friend's waist, Harry noticed.
"On the floor sited right there on the left, is your father, unable to hold still even for a photo, no matter how desperately your mother tried."
There he was, James Potter, giggling uncontrollably like a toddler, Lily Evans on his side trying to bite back a smile. They were so young.
"That is me, if you can tell." It really was a precise depiction of their friendship. "And on my right, is Peter Pettigrew." Fortunately Sirius prevented the awkward silence that was bound to take place.
"We were seventeen, back then. Outside by the Quidditch pitch. This was before your parents' wedding. And here-" he turned the page "Is your first Christmas."
True enough, the next two pages were filled with pictures from the Potters' house around Christmas Eve.
Harry identified the plump baby that everyone seemed to pass around as himself, either being held by his mother or sitting dangerously on his father's shoulder or chasing around a big black dog. One particular picture, however, caught his attention. Professor Lupin -Remus- was standing in front of the overly decorated tree, cradling baby Harry in his arms. Behind him, Sirius was standing with his arms clasped around around the Professor's waist, chin resting on the other man's shoulder, smiling at Harry, both of them swaying softly to whatever music was playing. Despite its innocence, he felt as if peeking through a half closed door, as if the two of them hadn't posed for the picture, but someone had captured that moment anyway. Judging from the tension that suddenly filled the room, he guessed neither of them had remembered about it.
"Were are they now? Marlene and Dorcas?"
With a sigh, and eyes avoiding either him or Sirius, Remus spoke quietly.
"Unfortunately, neither of them made it. They died fighting, however. Such pure souls. Marlene, mostly. Dorcas could hex you where you stood if you so much as looked at her the wrong way. Polar opposites really. It is a wonder how they ended up together, but they loved each other dearly."
He took Harry's nod as a sign of approval and almost sighed out loud when no comments were made on the subject.
"Your parents were wonderful people. They stood up for others when no one else would, that's just how they were. Supporting, loving and entirely selfless until the very end. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them. They'd be so proud of you, never doubt that."
Remus cursed himself for the tears risking to fall down his cheeks. Sirius’s words made his heart ache and suddenly everything became too real. Sirius was innocent. He had spent twelve years in total misery, being tortured and alone, thinking he had betrayed him. How had this happened? How could he not think about the possibility that Peter was the one at fault? He felt so stupid looking back and not recognizing the signs. Peter going on secret missions, how many times the deatheaters seemed to have known their next moves, the look of disgust he gave the muggles they’d find murdered in their homes. Was it their fault? Maybe they were too harsh on him from time to time, teasing and pulling pranks at him. Was that enough to make him turn them in? Was that enough to let a baby -for Merlin’s sake!- to die? His best friends?
“Remus? Are you alright?” Harry’s voice calling his name pulled him out of his thoughts. He was dangerously close to slipping again and judging by Sirius’s worried face, he’d noticed too.
“Don’t worry about me, Harry. I am a bit overwhelmed, that is all.” He quickly -and not so discreetly- wiped his eyes and smiled. “What you should worry about is the train leaving without you. You still need to grab your things from the castle.”
Harry’s eyes dropped to the floor behind his glasses, disappointed.
“No need to worry, cub. The old man said you are free to visit whenever you feel like it. And keep an eye on the mail for me, will you?” Sirius’s wink made Harry smile again and all three of them exchanged their goodbyes.
“What are you up to?” Remus turned to him with his hands placed on his hips, just like he used to do every time Padfoot would get that mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Nice try, Moons, but I won’t budge. Are you still having your slip-ups?”
They’d had a good couple of hours, couldn’t they just focus on something else?
With a sigh, Remus made his way to start the tea, avoiding purposefully the other man’s gaze.
“Sometimes. They got pretty intense after... you know, but they have eased out lately.” That was honest enough.
“So, no wanderings? Memory loss? No breakdowns? Was Dumbledore informed before you started work? Kids can be too much.” Sirius’s voice, along with the scream of the kettle, the pounding of his heart in his ears and the regret and guilt the photos had caused him still tender, it was all too much.
“Shut up!” he snapped and immediately regretted it. He leaned against the counter, his hands rubbing frantically his face and tugging at his hair, whispering constantly “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. In a second, Sirius was by his side, taking his hands into his own and holding tight. It was something they had done countless times before, invading each other’s personal space, knowing just the way to calm the other down.
‘It’s alright Moony, it’s me,it’s Sirius, I’m here.Take a breath for me, please.” he placed Remus’s open palm on his sharp chest, and he tried to synchronize his breathing to his. They stayed like this for what seemed like hours and then both slowly opened their eyes.
Tears were streaming silently down his face before he could stop them. “Merlin, am I pathetic” he half-joked with a scoff.
“Nah, could’ve been worse. Go sit down, I’ll bring the tea.”
But Remus wouldn’t let go just yet. He kept his hand on Sirius’s shoulder, his back, manouvering himself around him but always keeping close. They ended up on the couch, a blanket wrapped around them, talking. They talked about Harry, how he has friends supporting him much like they used to have, Snape’s ridiculous teaching methods, the map and how the Weasley twins kept up splendidly with their legacy. Remus had to push aside unpleasant thoughts, like how Sirius never had the chance to grow up, how he lost some of the best years of his life in that cold, brutal place. There was no point in that, he knew.
“I think I should go back to Grimauld place.” That was enough to snap his attention back to the present.
“Why on earth would you do that?” He turned to face him, pushing his leg on the couch, arms crossed.
“It’s the least I can do. Everyone in that bloody family is dead and I’m the only one left. Why leave it stand there when I can give it to Dumbledore and his people? I bet nothing would piss dear Mommy off more.” Remus thought about it for a second but before he could say anything, Padfoot started mumbling again. “Plus, I can’t stay in here forever. You have a life to go back to, maybe even start teaching again next year. You have no responsibility when it comes to me and you know how much I hate depending on people.” Remus couldn’t believe those words had come out of Sirius’s mouth.
“What on earth are you talking about?” They were both looking at each other flabbergasted. “I am going wherever you are. Unless you don’t want me to. I am not going to leave you again, especially now when a new war is in the horizon. I suppose we could go take a look at the house, see how it’s holding up. I would have to make some calls, though. Maybe Molly would lent us a hand, with Arthur and the kids.” he was so busy talking to himself, thinking what repairing spells they would need to cast, that he almost jumped right out of his skin when Sirius’s arms flew around his neck. He hesitated at first but you’d have to cut off both his arms before he would deny Sirius a hug.
“What was that for?” he whispered in his shoulder.
“Thank you. For taking me in, for not leaving me.”
“Never again, Pads. Thank you for trusting me.“
The days passed slowly, with Remus and Sirius living in the small cabin by themselves. At night, they would sleep together, each laying down on his side, only to wake up in a mess of tangled limbs. They never talked about it in the morning. Dumbledore was on board with the Grimmauld Place idea, and they agreed to wait a few weeks after Sirius’s trial to begin the preparations.
The day came soon enough, and Remus found himself feeling so proud of Sirius. The way he stood in front of the Minister, keeping a stern look throughout it all, his black dress robes fell perfectly on his lean shoulders (he had gained a lot of weight lately, looking healthier than ever) and his posture was that of a true aristocrat.
There was something about his eyes, too -his whole expression, to be precise. It was a face Remus had learned to avoid through the years, so vastly different than the usual smile and characteristic flare that it scared him from time to time. It was a look he saved for when he needed to defend himself. Cold stare, pressed lips, hands and feet perfectly placed, nothing like his careless self. A look he had inherited from his family.
But there was something beyond that. This was the face of a man who had spent the last 12 years of his life imprisoned, away from the light of the sun and the company of any other being than murderers and dark creatures and everybody in the Wizengamot knew that. They’d be finished soon, it was clear. Dumbledore had reassured both of them that everything would work out in their favor, yet he couldn’t but feel his stomach turn every time he looked at the man. Standing up, he made his way out through the back door and fumbled with the matches to light a cigarette.
“The muggles say those things will kill you, you know.”
He nearly blasted the man’s brains out.
“You really should work on your greeting manners, Albus.” he managed to say while coughing up smoke.
“I apologize. Are you feeling alright?”
Remus had no intention of having this discussion, especially with his former Headmaster.
“I am managing, I suppose.”
“He is doing rather well in there. Looked just like old Orion for a second.”
“How can you say that?”
The nerve this man had from time to time.
“He wasn’t a kind man, I’m aware”
This was ridiculous. It was cold and drizzling, he had to get back in before the trial ended and the last thing he needed right now was Dumbledore and his nonsense.
“I need to get back inside.” Thin, strong fingers reached out for his forearm before he could move.
“The years ahead are full of trouble and pain. Neither of us has been lucky when it comes to love. Remember to hold on to every moment you have together, for I’m afraid the time will come soon for you to fight again.”
Oh, he knew it. He knew he was no where near fortunate enough for the universe to let him come out the other way safe and sound, not this time. What he hoped, however, what he prayed for late at night to whichever deity cared to listen, was for his Sirius and Harry to be okay. For them to have each other, for Merlin knows they’ve lost so much time. He would give his life, his freedom and whatever he valued most to make sure that would happen.
If only he had known...