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A dam break. A landslide. An exploding bus occupying his captain that probably should have killed him but by some miracle didn’t.
Tsunami. Eddie!!!—mud, dirt that took days to wash off—Thirty feet of wet earth. 118, 118, this is dispatch. We have Bobby Nash on the line, he says it’s important. Dispatch, please re- BOOM.
He felt like he was put through a hose roller and drained of every bit of energy he had by the time they’d made it back to the station. His bad leg was the most sore it’s been since before the screws came out, his head was pounding, and his heart wouldn’t stop racing. He just wanted to go home and sleep through the remainder of 2020.
“If 2020 were a day, it would be this one,” Hen whistled. “I am so ready to get home to Karen and the kids.”
Chimney smirks. “Tell me about it. If this day has taught me anything though, it’s that I need to be at home and in bed with my girlfriend instead of on FaceTime. So alas, Buck, the time has come I leave you alone.”
Buck stills. Just yesterday, Buck was practically begging Chimney to move out. He should be happy, really, but the thought of going home alone with the hurricane of bad on his mind makes him nauseous.
“Buck?” Chimney calls, and it’s then that Buck realizes he hasn’t said anything.
He shakes his head to shake away the thoughts and tries his best to put on a teasing smile. “Oh no, how am I supposed to survive without?”
Buck feels like he got himself into the next thing out of Chimney’s mouth. “You’ll be just fine, Buckaroo, you’ve got your COVID Crush to keep you company.”
“COVID crush?” Eddie walks into the locker room, freshly showered, an eyebrow raised.
“He talks to her hours at a time.”
Buck tries to suppress the groan of frustration that escapes him. “For the hundredth time, Chim, it’s not like that with us.”
Chimney raises his hands in defense. “Alright, alright, I believe you.”
He definitely didn’t believe him.
He tunes out the rest of their conversation as gets into his civies. He tries to get ready to leave as slowly as he can, completely dreading being alone again for the first time since quarantine started.
Christopher!
Before quarantine, Buck absolutely despised going home after shift. He was so convinced that he was going to end up alone and the emptiness of his apartment made it so much worse.
Wait, what? Dispatch, please re-
BOOM.
Having Chimney with him made things a little less empty but running the same shifts as his soon to be brother in law, Buck never seemed to get privacy. It felt a little claustrophobic at times, and Buck wants to kick himself for feeling that way when he was so desperate not to go home to an empty apartment. To not be alone.
Ed—Eddie! Eddie! No. Eddie! Eddie! No!
He wanted him to go back to his own apartment. He wanted to be able to talk to his therapist without Chimney assuming it’s a girlfriend. To talk about how low he’s feeling without worrying Chimney will hear him. He wanted to be able to shout dramatically about his super scary non-platonic feelings for his best friend without outing himself to Chimney.
CAP!
Christopher!
Eddie!
Where did all the water go?
“-Buck!”
Buck’s head snaps up at the sound of his name. Eddie is the only one left in the locker room with him, worry painting his face.
“Yeah?”
He really doesn’t want to see the way Eddie’s face softens into a sad expression when his voice cracks with the word so he looks away. He’s totally gonna believe he’s okay after that.
“Are you okay?
Buck rocks back on his feet and clenches his fists at the question.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. What were you saying?”
The lie earns him a look that says Eddie is calling bullshit. Which is what it was, but Buck hates that he can’t lie to Eddie.
He thanks whatever higher power there is that Eddie doesn’t push.
“I was saying that since you rode in with Chimney yesterday, I told him I’d take you home.” His smile is patient. “I’m ready when you are.”
Buck willed his eyes not to tear up over something as simple as having a ride and shot Eddie the most convincing smile he could. By the look on his face, not convincing at all. “Thanks, man. I’m good to go.”
The walk to Eddie’s truck is quiet. He doesn’t look up from his feet, doesn’t meet Eddie’s eye when they get in, and he definitely doesn’t hear Eddie ask him for a second time if he’s okay.
Eddie turns up the radio and a news station is covering the dam break and the landslide and Buck swallows the lump in his throat. His throat is dry. His heart feels like it’s in his throat.
Where did all the water go?
118, 118, this is dispatch. We’ve got Bobby Nash on the line, he says it’s important.
Hey, there’s a kid under here!
How long can he last down there? We’re talking thirty feet of wet earth coming down on him.
You’re new.
No! Eddie, Eddie! No, Eddie!
“We’re here,” Eddie shakes his shoulder to get his attention. “Let’s go.”
When Buck looks up, he’s not outside of his apartment complex. He’s in front of Eddie’s house and for a second, all Buck can think is, I’m home.
Then reality hits him and he thinks it probably isn’t safe for him to be in the Diaz household when Christopher is at high risk for getting the virus and they’re in an enclosed space and he’d had his mask down so a deaf patient could read his lips and he—
“You coming?” Eddie’s voice has a teasing tone to it but he could tell he was worried.
Buck swallows once more before answering. “Is it safe? I mean, with Christopher being—”
“You’ve seen him since the pandemic started and it was okay. We’re both coming from the same place and he misses you, Buck. I know you miss him, too. We’ll take precautions of course, but it’s okay. Now, I’m beat. You coming?”
Why do you have his glasses?
Christopher!
“Yeah.”
It’s quiet when they enter the house. Carla is sitting on the couch and Buck is assuming Christopher is in bed.
Carla grins when she sees them and quickly picks her mask up to greet them.
“Well I wasn’t expecting you tonight, Buckaroo.”
Buck smiles, effortlessly, at Carla’s enthusiasm and tries not to hug her. God, he hates social distancing.
“Hi Carla,”
As Eddie continues to talk to Carla, Buck zones out. He’s bone tired, more than, and he hasn’t felt this tired since the tsunami.
Where did all the water go?
He’d felt this way after searching for Maddie for hours.
We’ve got blood out here.
Maddie!
Why do you have his glasses?
Wait, what? Dispatch, please re- BOOM.
Christopher!
“- is gonna be so surprised to see you when he wakes up.”
Without even realizing it, Buck had made his way into the kitchen with Eddie. There’s a plate of toast in front of him and for the first time in the past day, Buck laughs. Toast is the only thing Eddie can make without burning it and Buck finds it totally endearing.
“Eat up,” Eddie smirks.
“I’m not really hungry.”
“I don’t care that you’re not hungry, you still have to eat this. We haven’t eaten since this morning.”
Buck rolls his eyes and picks up the toast, making direct eye contact with Eddie as he takes a bite. “Happy?”
Eddie gives him his own eye roll and scoffs. “I will be when that plate is gone.”
It’s quiet as Buck eats, quiet enough to fear Eddie can hear how fast his heart is racing. He couldn’t get it to slow.
Dispatch, please re- BOOM.
Hey, there’s a kid under here!
We’ve got blood out here!
We’re talking thirty feet of wet earth coming down on top of him.
Where did all the water go?
Christopher! Christopher!
Hey, Buck, is everyone off that thing? I think it’s venting fuel.
CAP!
Eddie! Eddie! Eddie, no, Eddie! Eddie!
Maddie! Maddie!
Where did all the water go?
He tastes salt water. He’s trying to fight the current of the wave so he can breathe but he can’t breathe and no matter what he seems to do he can’t reach the surface and Christopher is out in this and oh my God Eddie—
Eddie! Eddie! No, Eddie!
Eddie is the one who is trapped thirty feet underground but Buck can’t breathe. He feels like the air has been taken out of his lungs with no way to put it back and Hen and Chimney and Bobby are giving him a look. They think he’s dead they think he’s dead oh my God he’s gonna have to tell Christo—
Christopher!
Christopher is screaming Buck’s name but it sounds like he’s above surface so Buck needs to get above the water because he can’t breathe but the current keeps pulling him down and down and down and Christopher is still calling for him but he can’t do anything and—
“-to breathe, Buck. It’s okay, you’re safe with me but you need to breathe with me. In for 7, out for 7, okay?”
Christopher!
“Christopher is safe, in his bed. He’s safe and so are you.” Eddie reassures. “C’mon, try to match my breathing,”
He can’t breathe.
“Yes you can, Buck, you can breathe.”
He’s not breathing!
“Buck! Can you hear me?”
Dispatch, please re- BOOM.
“Tell me five things you can see.”
Christopher!
“Christopher isn’t here right now, Buck. You can see him soon, we just have to get you calmed down before then. Tell me five things you can see.”
Eddie!
“Yeah, I’m here, Buck, I’m here. Another thing you can see.”
CAP— Eddie? Eddie’s here. Eddie’s here?
“Yes, I’m here, I promise. Can you name another thing you can see?”
Buck tries to focus on his surroundings, tries to see anything other than death and debris and smoke. When he sees Eddie’s green sweatshirt, he chokes on a cry as he lists it.
“Good, good, that’s so good. Another thing you can see?” Eddie’s voice is getting clearer, like Buck is getting closer to the surface of the water.
Buck’s work bag. Eddie’s shoes. Christopher’s lego blocks.
“Good, great. Can you name four things you can feel?”
The couch? He’s on the couch. Eddie’s couch. The remote. The pillow. Eddie.
“Now three things you can hear.”
Eddie’s too-loud AC system. Sirens in the distance.
Where did all the water go?
“Hey, Buck, come on. Focus on me. What else can you hear?”
You.
“You’re doing so good. Tell me two things you can smell?”
Eddie’s shampoo. Cookies?
“Carla and Christopher made some today.” Eddie smiles. “There’s a lot left, don’t worry.”
Buck takes a deep breath and smiles small.
“Alright, now one thing you can taste.”
Blood? Why does he taste blood? Is it another pulmonary embolism? Is he—
“Hey, it’s okay, you just bit your lip too hard. Nothing to worry about, yeah?”
Yeah.
“Do you know where you are?” Eddie asks in more of a hushed tone, calm and collected. Calming.
“Home.”
And with that, he collapses into Eddie’s arms and rests his head against Eddie’s shoulder as he shakes apart. Every bit of pent up emotion slips from his lips in broken sobs and falls from his eyes in the form of hot, salty tears.
Eddie doesn’t ask, doesn’t push. He just holds Buck through it without any hesitance.
It takes another ten minutes for Buck to stop crying and for Eddie to try and pull away. Buck just grips on tighter, pulling him even closer, and Eddie does the same.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles into the crook of Eddie’s neck.
“There’s no reason to be,” Eddie promises vehemently. “It’s okay.”
There’s a stuttered breath and Eddie holds on even tighter, as if holding onto him so tight will put all of his broken pieces back together. Maybe it can.
After a while, he finally pulls away to find that Eddie’s eyes are damp as well. He winces. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry…”
Eddie shakes his head with such conviction. “Please don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. I love you, Buck, and seeing you hurting hurts me but that’s not your fault.”
I love you, Buck— no. He doesn’t mean it in the way he wants. He couldn’t.
“How do you know I don’t love you the way you want?” Eddie challenges, voice strong but eyes nervous. He’s nervous? Why is he nervous?
“Because… it’s not possible.”
“Anything is possible, Evan. How do you want me to love you?”
Be in love with me.
“Being in love with you is not impossible. I should know, I fell in love with you pretty quick.”
Eddie loves him back? Eddie is in love with him—in love. This isn’t real, he has to be dreaming. This is definitely a dream. A nice, beautiful dream he wasn’t expecting toni—
“Buck?” Eddie’s voice finally quivers and it’s then Buck realizes that it’s not a dream at all and he hasn’t said anything since Eddie spoke.
“You love me?” He tries to stop his voice from cracking half way through but the emotional whiplash he’s feeling is making that feat impossible. “You’re in love with me.”
Being in love with you is not impossible.
“Head over heels.” Eddie swallows.
He loves him back. He loves him back. Eddie Diaz loves him the way—
“Please say something?” Eddie asks desperately, seemingly unnerved at Buck’s silence.
“I love you too,” Buck swallows his nerves. “I’m in love with you, too. Head over heels.”
The breath of relief Eddie releases takes Buck’s own breath away, in a way he’s never felt before. His mouth is pulled into a grin and it’s for Buck specifically and wow, he’s so pretty.
“Can I kiss you?” He blurts out and it makes Eddie throw his head back in a startled laugh before he looks back and nods.
They both lean forward and— fireworks isn’t the correct word for what he feels when their lips touch. A symphony plays in his heart and fireworks erupt around them and Buck finally feels like his world is put together.
The kiss doesn’t put all of Buck’s broken pieces back together, it doesn’t stop the physical and mental exhaustion after the day— year— he’s had, but it does help ease the pain of it.
When they pull away, Eddie’s smiling from ear to ear and Buck’s face is as red as the trucks at work. He goes to hide in the crook of Eddie’s neck again and when he does, he can hear that his heart isn’t the only heart racing.
They sit like that for another five minutes before Eddie taps him on the back and pulls away. His expression is serious compared to the grin he was wearing just minutes before.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yes, I would love to talk about how you’re in love with me,” Buck deflects.
Eddie gives him another eyebrow raise. “You know that’s not what I’m talking about.”
Buck shrugs and looks at his nails like they’re the most interesting thing in the world.
“I’m sorry I brought up the tsunami earlier,” Eddie speaks up after it’s obvious Buck isn’t going to say anything. “It was insensitive, even if I didn’t mean for it to be.”
Hey, at least it’s not a tsunami, right?
“No, Eddie, it’s okay. It was a valid point, it’s not a tsunami and hey, we were fine. It’s fine.” Buck tries to laugh it off, fight back tears he thought ran out.
“We were fine but you were still triggered, and that’s okay, but I’m sorry that I made it worse.”
“You didn’t make it worse.” Buck says vehemently. “It’s not your fault I’m a baby—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Eddie cuts him off. “Being affected by trauma doesn’t make you a baby.”
“I was fine, I wasn’t near the water, I shouldn’t have freaked out.”
“A freak thing happened that reminded you of something traumatic you went through and you pushed those bad feelings aside when people needed your help. You’re so strong and that’s one of the many things I admire about you, okay? Having flashbacks and panic attacks don’t make you weak.” Eddie says with conviction. “Having trauma doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong because you survived that trauma and you’ve come out on the other side.”
Buck chokes back a sob. “It all came back.”
“What did?” Eddie prompts. “What came back?”
“The tsunami. The truck bombing. You being buried alive. Maddie. It all came back.” He croaks. “The dam break brought me back to the tsunami, the bus explosion brought back the truck bombing and that dread of not knowing if Bobby was okay brought back the terrible feeling of not knowing Christopher was okay during the tsunami, or you when you were underground, or when Maddie was kidnapped. It all came back and it won’t go away again.”
Eddie sighs. “Oh, babe. It’s going to be okay— you’re going to be okay. You know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you’ve got me by your side. We can call Frank—”
“We don’t have to call Frank.”
“Listen, I know how against therapy I was when I was mandated to go but he really helped me process my trauma and it could really benefit you, too.” Eddie grabs Buck’s hand and smiles at the look he’s giving him. “Yeah, I know, me talking about my feelings. Crazy right?”
Buck snorts. “No, I mean, we don’t have to call Frank because I already have a therapist.”
“You do?”
He flushes. “Yeah. As Chimney has deemed her, my ‘covid crush’. ”
Eddie’s eyebrows shoot to his forehead in surprise and laughs. “Your ‘covid crush’ is your therapist? Not gonna lie, I was a little jealous at first.”
“You? Jealous?”
“Oh, yeah, very. Here I thought you had gone and found someone in the middle of a pandemic when I was standing right there.”
“No one but you.” He bashfully grins. “I need no one else.”
Eddie leans forward to peck his lips before pulling back with a soft smile. “Have you talked to her about any of this?”
“Kind of?” He shrugs. “Never in depth. She’s asked but I wasn’t ready to bring back all of these feelings and memories that I had buried in there, scared that something like tonight would happen…”
“Have you ever actually talked about this to anyone? Like, in depth conversation about what it was like for you or have you just pushed everything down and tried to work around it?”
“Not really…”
“Working around your trauma is only going to make things more painful for you. You’ve got to work through it or else all of this pain builds and you end up doing something stupid.” He clears his throat. “I learned that one the hard way.”
“You must have learned that one from Frank, too, huh?” He chuckles. “Maddie told me the same thing once.”
“He’s wise. I’m sure your therapist is, too, so try to talk about it with her. I’m always going to be here whether you talk about it or not.”
“I promise to try to open up about it in therapy.” He sticks out his pinky and giggles when Eddie links his own pinky with his.
“It’s all I can ask. I’m always here to talk about it too, okay? I know I’ve come to you enough times about my own shit.”
Buck playfully rolls his eyes. “I’m proud of you, by the way. Opening up about—”
A yawn escapes him, cutting him off abruptly. He meets Eddie’s eye and they simultaneously burst into tired laughter.
“I think we should get to bed, what do you think? We’ll talk more in the morning.”
Buck grins. “I think that sounds like a plan.”
Eddie leans in for one last kiss before he stands from the coffee table and pulls Buck up with him.
When Eddie starts to walk, still having not let go of Buck’s hand, he stops when Buck doesn’t move. Does he want Buck to follow him?
“You coming?”
“To bed with you?”
“Well yeah, that was the plan. Unless you don’t want to?”
Buck shakes away the shock and starts to walk with Eddie. “No! No, I want to. I would love to.”
With that, Eddie grins and guides them both to his room.
The second Buck is cuddled up in Eddie’s arms, shielded from all of the things that can hurt him, he relaxes for the first time that year.
The days to come are going to be hard, he knows that. There was a reason Buck was never ready to talk about what happened and how he was feeling. It’s going to bring back ugly feelings and scary thoughts and he’s not ready for the nightmares to come after digging up everything he’s forced himself not to think about in so long.
It’s going to be hard, and he’s sure there’s going to be more panic attacks and breakdowns to come.
But right now, with Eddie by his side, he doesn’t worry.
For the first time in almost a year, he doesn’t have to worry.