Chapter Text
I can’t remember when I had a thought of my own
I can’t remember the day I sold my soul
So I’ll do just what I’m told
And I’ll call that rock and roll
I can’t remember the last time that I smiled
That wasn’t for a camera
Willie knows they shouldn’t be here. They promised themself decades ago that they would stop doing this. They had stuck true to their word for so long, but this morning they had woken up feeling that deep, aching loneliness in their bones, or whatever they had in place of bones, and they just had to see her. Had to know if she’s okay.
The last time Willie saw their cousin April, it was 1991. She was twenty years old and Willie had only been dead for two of those. Now, she’s forty-nine, fifty next month, and Willie can’t even bring themself to imagine how much she could have changed in all that time. Willie’s changed so much, and that shouldn’t even be possible.
It’s that fear of the unknown that keeps them hovering outside her house, unable to go inside and face the present. So here they are, sitting on the swing set in the backyard and just staring at the back door.
There’s a small whooshing sound to their right, and Willie doesn’t even have to look to know who it is.
“This is a new spot,” Alex says, his voice soft, like he’s unsure if he’s intruding on some sacred moment.
“Nah,” Willie chuckles. “Probably the oldest spot there is. Haven’t come here in a while, though.” They reach out their hand, and Alex takes it immediately. “How’d you find me?”
“You know how I can always kind of sense where Luke and Reggie are?” Alex asks, and Willie nods. “Guess that extends to you, too.” He pauses and holds up Willie’s skateboard. “Plus, you left this in the driveway.”
Willie gives him and small smile and takes the board. They place it on the ground and use their feet to roll it back and forth.
“So what is this place?” Alex asks.
Willie hesitates before answering, “My cousin’s house.”
“April?”
“Yeah,” Willie says, willing their voice not to break.
“You don’t talk about her much,” Alex says, giving Willie’s hand a little squeeze. “Or about anything before the club, really.”
Willie just shrugs. It’s rare for them to have trouble finding words, to have trouble deflecting others from the pain they keep hidden so well, but today they just feel empty.
“You don’t have to tell me about it if—“
“No,” Willie interrupts. “No, I want to. It’s just— it’s so hard.” They can feel a sob rising in their throat, and they try to hold it down. “I’ve been so lonely for so long, and it hurts to remember what I used to have. I’m jealous of you Alex, I really am.” A tear slips from their eye, and they give up on suppressing it. They let the waterworks flow. “And I know that sounds so shitty to say because you’ve lost so much, but at least you have someone, you know? You got to bring Luke and Reggie with you, and I know you lost Bobby, and your sister, but at least you have some of your family. I don’t have anyone from my life. Everyone I knew— my friends, my family, April—they all moved on without me, and I just had to watch.”
Alex gets up from the swing, and panic flashes through Willie’s mind. They’ve upset him, they have no right to be jealous of him, he’s just going to leave like everyone—
Strong arms wrap around them and cut off their spiral. They blink, taking a moment to process, then hug Alex back, burying their face in his neck.
“Willie,” Alex breathes. “I can’t even imagine—“ he breaks off, taking in a shuddering breath. “I would have been so lost without the guys. Without you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” Alex pulls back and cups Willie’s face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe their tears away. “I know it doesn’t change what happened in the past, but I promise you as long as I can help it you’ll never be alone again.”
Willie pulls Alex back in. “Thank you,” they mumble into his chest.
“I love you,” Alex says, “and I want to know whatever you’ll tell me about your past. Whenever you decide you’re ready.”
Willie nods, their cheek rubbing against the soft fabric of Alex’s hoodie. “I think I’m ready. I want you to know me. It’s just… it’s a lot.”
Alex sits back down on the swing, taking Willie’s hand. “Take your time.”
Willie takes a deep breath. “I guess… I guess I should start before I died.”