Work Text:
There was something magical about how Edwina always captured Brett's attention. She appeared and her whole presence screamed ‘I’m here, look at me now.’ What else could he do but to obey.
Still a few years ago it was just a role Eddy put on for their short skits and videos. His personality changed, not drastically, but in smaller, more nuanced ways. How she moved, how she sat or talked, how she captured the attention of everyone in the room, with just a short laugh or twirl of hair between her fingers.
It used to confuse him a little at the beginning, the change between her and his Eddy.
Brett felt like Eddy was escaping into the role for comfort and clarity at first. As if she could see things better without his brain questioning all the small details. Straightforward and determined.
But seeing her stay longer after each new video they filmed with her, Brett stopped seeing her as a role Eddy put on, more as a different version of Eddy, a person he became in the next breath for a period of time.
Then he slowly began noticing it started happening outside of them filming the videos as well. Eddy didn’t say anything, but Brett could see her there. Slipping out when Eddy was lost in learning a new piece and needed a different angle to understand a difficult passage, or while editing video, or simply when they were enjoying their bubble teas together, wig or no wig.
The hair helped see the change, but wasn’t completely necessary to register the change.
Sometimes it was the voice, high pitched and soft, slow and steady and charming. Sometimes the cute scrunched up nose when they were laughing at a particularly bad pun.
Some days there was something off right from the morning. Eddy would be especially quiet during filming, it almost scared Brett. He would listen patiently when Brett did their usual intro, nodding along the way, adding some hmm’s and yes’s. But would speak only when Brett left the sentence hanging in the air unfinished, waiting if Eddy would pick it up, or if he needed to finish it alone. It varied depending on the day.
--
It happened in a quiet moment, when they finished practicing a peaceful passage of the piece they were working on, and slumped on the couch, Eddy pressed close to Brett’s side, took his hand into his and studied his nails and fingertips.
There was something so gentle in that gesture, Brett couldn’t help but fall each time even deeper and deeper in love with Eddy. He laid his head on Eddy’s shoulder, his presence calming his nerves and heart, when he heard a soft (and slightly out of tune) melody coming from Eddy’s lips, in higher notes than usually. In a soft voice he immediately recognized.
It was the most comforting moment, and he couldn’t help but say to Eddy, ‘It’s okay if she stays around more often, you know. I wouldn’t mind getting to know her better’, he mumbled it quietly, half against Eddy’s shoulder, but still loud enough to notice how Eddy immediately relaxed into his side, still holding his hand in both of his, which were now slightly shaking.
--
A breath that Eddy held all this time, was pushed from him, taking all his tears and insecurities about himself, leaving him curled up inside Brett’s embrace, safe and protected, knowing either Eddy or Edwina will be welcome with him anytime.
After what felt both like infinity and mere seconds, Brett heard Eddy whisper almost silently, ‘I think... I think I might be genderfluid. Or maybe bigender… I-’ It sounded like he wanted to add something to it, to explain, or take the words back, but nothing came out.
Brett took the words in, still rubbing circles on Eddy’s back in gentle support, thinking what it might mean for Eddy and for himself. Few definitions he once read while figuring out his whole deal now running through his mind. He didn't want to ruin this moment for Eddy with anything rushed or out of place. He took few moments and hummed,
‘Yeah? I’m glad you could tell me, and I’m so proud of you.’
He felt the rest of tension in Eddy’s shoulders slowly dissipate upon hearing the words from Brett. He burrowed his face deeper into Brett’s neck, he felt wet patches forming on his t-shirt. ‘Should I change pronouns when addressing you, or even name?’
‘Hmm, pronouns, yes, probably, name.. I don’t know yet.’ he mumbled the words, sniffling in between. Then titled his head against Brett’s shoulder, to think more clearly how to answer all that.
‘I think the pronouns might help, I don’t mind either he or she or even they, if it’s neutral but in general “he” is okay unless I say I would prefer something else. And I don’t mind Edwina, but maybe Eddy can stay as well regardless, you know. What do you think, do you think Eddy could be a.. could be a girl’s name as well?’
‘Of course it can,’ Eddy was still crying into his shoulder, it made Brett’s heart break into million pieces. He was very concerned, but mostly he just wanted Eddy to stop crying, he slowly cupped his cheek, wiped the tears running there alongside his thumb under his glasses, and leaned in closer, making sure first that it was okay to kiss him now. He wanted to pour all of his love he had for him, for her as well, into the kiss, then he hugged him close, whispering praises and words of love.
‘Whatever you’re comfortable with, and whatever suits you the most is okay. And if you change your mind on it later, that’s okay too. I love you, every aspect and every personality you might still hide or change or come into later on. It’s all of you. And I will always be there for you.’
He peppered his face with kisses until they were both almost laughing. The tear tracks on Eddy’s cheeks now gone.
‘So it doesn’t change anything between us then?’ The residue hint of Eddy’s insecurities was still apparent in his question, and it hurt, but it also meant Brett would have to find all the new ways to show them both his love more.
‘No, darling, it doesn't.’ Brett would hug Eddy even closer, but he worried he might accidentally suffocate him. ‘We adapt, always have, we are both used to change since our uni days, this is just another path on our journey. If you let me be there with you.’
‘Okay, okay.’ He heard more sniffles but it seemed the worst was behind them. ‘Thank you, Bretty. I mean it, really, I don’t know what I would do without you.’
‘The same goes for me. And today, how do you feel, love, do you want me to use he or she for you?’
‘I think both are okay. I don’t particularly need only one of them, for today though.’
‘Can you explain it a bit more, how it works for you?’ Brett didn’t want to fuck this up, it was enough to see Eddy breaking down beside him few minutes ago. After the panicked glance from his partner, he quickly added ‘You don’t have to right now, only if you need me to specifically change something or not use some words, I know for people some certain words don’t sit well with them.’
‘No, it’s okay, I mean, I’m not completely clear about everything either, this whole thing is pretty new to me, too. That’s why I didn’t want to share it with you yet, but I guess you still know me better than I do myself, huh. At most of the time I still feel like male Eddy, but then from time to time, I wake up not feeling right, like something doesn’t fit. It’s hard to describe. And then with Edwina.. it kind of clicked why I enjoyed playing as her so much. But it still doesn’t change me, I’m still me.’
'I know. Okay. Does that mean I sometimes have a boyfriend and sometimes a girlfriend? Ohh, lucky me.' Brett smiles at the laugh he gets from Eddy.
'Yeah, lucky you. But for now, only when it’s the two of us. I’m still so unsure about everything that comes with it.'
‘Of course, take all the time you need, and I will always be here if you want to talk about it.’
Brett wanted to make him feel loved and cherished, tell him how precious and important he is for him, as his violin partner, lover, soulmate, his whole world, the sun and moon and galaxies all together.
--
Eddy felt like floating, exhausted but happy. This heavy feeling on his chest finally fell off a bit, after realizing he was fighting with himself for over the past, what, weeks? months? years?
The part where he didn’t feel sometimes like a man was with him for so long, buried deep and never discussed with anyone else but himself. The constant nightmare of waking up feeling not right. It messed with his head so much sometimes.
When he started the skits playing as Edwina, he felt so happy, but confused.
He was struggling with Edwina for a bit, angry at himself for needing her so much, to be around and taking his place, confused about what it meant for himself and people around. His violin playing at that time was raw, emotional rollercoaster, intense and searching for meaning.
Slowly but surely, he made progress. Noticed how some days he could only wear baggy hoodies that would hide his physique, felt frustrated at how people talked to him or about him, woke up feeling strange like his body wasn’t really his and the whole days ahead of him he spent in a daze and in need to get back to bed as soon as possible.
The role of Edwina gave him some space to breathe. He told himself so many times it’s a role he plays, not actually him. But she stayed sometimes with him, and he recognized that voice in his head, urging him to act as she wanted. To crack jokes only she does and to laugh and cringe and cry along with Brett while watching k-dramas.
She wanted a place in this world too, a place where Eddy would let her be herself, known by others and loved as much.
It wasn’t something he wanted to discuss with Brett yet, despite them being best friends for so long, then partners, then even more. Eddy was scared he might lose that, he would tell him when it was the right time.
Then Brett started noticing, but never said anything until now. He didn’t seem to mind Edwina making appearances more often, even complimented on her violin playing and charade abilities. Eddy was getting comfortable being her around Brett. Not only during filming, but even on regular, ordinary days. But then again, there was really no ordinary day living and working with Brett. He brought chaos and so much energy into every project they did, but also patience and love.
Logically, Eddy knew he had to tell Brett soon, but he couldn't bring himself to, not just yet. Because what if that was the final straw that would make him leave, leave Eddy and leave from his life. Eddy still sometimes thought he didn't deserve him, a person so caring, loving, talented and funny like Brett, well, he could have been with anyone else.
Except he always stayed, or always came back, to Eddy. So Eddy started to trust, not maybe in himself completely, but in Brett, and their shared dreams.
--
Brett loved them both the same. He loved Eddy so, so much, and he learnt to love Edwina as well. It wasn’t something he had to debate over for long. They were the same, but not.
Same in the way they both wanted attention and appraisal, same techniques but different approach to them, different melodies of their voice and manners in moving around the house, but still the same beautiful smile, laughing fully over Brett’s stupid jokes with bunny teeth showing, soft eyes following his movements around the room while he was practicing.
--
After their talk Edwina starts to show up more freely.
It’s always joyful for Brett to see the toothy grin and sparkles in her eyes when she wakes up, grinning up at him between their pillows, later she puts on the awful beautiful wig she loves so much.
Brett has in mind to buy a new better one, or at least brush this one from time to time. Her appearance follows with chaos and boundful of new energy. Energy that Brett almost missed seeing in Eddy. It’s like floodgates opened that were keeping her safe and guarded, and slowly began to disappear, not overnight or even completely, but they let go some of that tension from hiding her. Making breathing easier for both of them, as they found a new depth to their relationship.
She brings in more confidence, or Eddy feels he can fake this confidence better when the world thinks she’s a different person from him. He can hide behind her golden blonde messy locks, twirl one around his finger, for Brett’s eyes a clear sign of anxiety, but with Edwina’s nonchalance about it, she makes the movement seem almost seducing, charming.
___
She loves Brett most when he plays for her. Not only for Eddy, or both of them, but specifically for her, serenading her, when he notices she feels sad or unhappy. Brett wants nothing more than to put a smile again on those lips. He plays Ysaye 3 for her, it’s her favorite piece. She likes how passionately he plays these types of pieces, aggressive, fast and yet still so careful. She always puts her hand against her chest, to help her anchor herself in this world, when all she wants is to flee towards the raw sound, feeling the music as much as she can until the very last note. Brett is one of the very few people, if not the only one, that can make her feel this way.
When they’re filming she’s a put on performance, when they’re alone, she acts as she pleases. She likes to please Brett the most.
He learns to play Paganiniana just because she asked him once to play it for her.
She is so soft in the way she curls up her legs under her and cuddles close to Brett on their couch. His heart skipps a beat everytime she giggles in her falsetto higher voice at something dumb Brett said.
She is the most beautiful when playing violin, as is Eddy, focused, so focused on nailing the difficult passage correctly, or perfectly playing the highest note of the concerto they are learning. Every little bit has to be perfect, that is one of the things they have in common.
It takes some time getting used to the new brash way of Edwina stating things. Like she doesn’t have time to care about what way it comes off, but needs to get the thought out first. Fixing and polishing it afterwards. The sharp, yet playful ‘I don’t care about personality, you better play in tune’ jokes, her laugh, her smirks, her viciousness, almost on the edge of mean, but never hurtful, maybe it might come off like that to others, but never to Brett.
Eddy is more careful with his words, thinks about them before, especially if he’s explaining violin related details and techniques, he wants it to make sense and be clear for anyone.
He patiently waits for Brett to finish his stream of thoughts first, then concludes his own point after him.
Eddy has the power to turn him into a mush, with soft glances and careful touches. Edwina has the power to make him into a bumbling idiot only from one toothy grin she sends his way, he stutters, words dying on his tongue, already forgetting what he was about to say.
Both Eddy and Edwina loves to cuddle with Brett, wrapping him into a blanket and keeping him warm and safe. He wouldn’t change a thing about his lover.