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Sometimes , Leorio mourns for the child he never exactly got to be . By the time he was 17 he passed as a fully grown adult , and even before that he was expected to be far older than he felt . He'd grown up fast .
Killua strikes a heavy sort of sadness in his chest , but Gon makes it even worse . Children . Like him . Kurapika makes his head hurt even trying to comprehend their survival .
He doesn't feel like he went through enough in comparison . So he simply doesn't mention it . Leorio the greedy premed student . Selfish and arrogant in every way possible . It's easier to be that than it is to be anything else .
That being said , it kills him to remember how Kurapika had looked at him during the hunter exams . Killed him to remember the shock on his friend's faces when they realized he was just as young as they are . How could he be ? Already stuck to the way the world works .
His cause felt stupid . Money . He never wanted to be unable to care for anyone again . It's not noble like Kurapika , it isn't just like Gon's , and even Killua seems to be benefitting in some way . Leorio is just ... There . He feels ridiculous .
Ridiculous in the way that Kurapika observes him , like a predator watching prey . Ridiculous in his height , nearly stumbling into low doorways , and ridiculous in his lack of ability .
He turns over in his bed . Kurapika , who he shares a room with , doesn't stop watching .
" Leorio , " They say , quietly . " Something is wrong . "
They can read him like a fucking magazine . He feels stupid . It would be easier to just mask like everybody else seems to do just fine . But Leorio always wears his heart on his sleeve , whether he liked it or not . He groans .
" I'm trying to sleep . "
Get off my back , he says . Without saying that , of course . He can practically hear Kurapika frowning at him .
" You're not . You've been sitting there for minutes and you had this look on your face . What were you thinking about ? "
" It's none of your business . "
He's right . It is none of their business . But hey , what kind of a friend would they be if they didn't care about him ?
" I'm serious , Leorio . I'm worried about you . "
He's getting frustrated . Just leave him alone , you stupid fucking perfect idiot . He doesn't want to bring it up to Kurapika , who's suffered so much . He's afraid that they'll laugh and spit in his face . What right does he have to mourn ?
They speak again , and he doesn't quite catch the words , but he knows that they piss him off . And he starts talking before he realizes it .
" You know what ? God , fuck . I'm tired , Kurapika . You know you and the others thought I was nearly in my thirties when we first met ? And you told me all about how I'm so fucking ridiculous in my suit and tie . You guys barely even like me , right ? You think I'm some greedy nobody , and I'm tired of it . "
Kurapika is silent .
" You all talk like I've never lost anyone before , or how I'm such a dick for wanting money before everything else . I'm fucking tired ! I've lost people too , and I hurt just like everybody fucking else ! I've never been a kid and all you people seem to do is rub it in my face . "
His face is burning . He has officially said far too much to be comfortable . Leorio pulls his covers up over his head and hides underneath them . Like a child . He curses the notion . It makes his chest ache .
Kurapika inhales . They exhale .
A mattress shifts . Leorio feels a weight press down on the edge of his bed , and then a hand on his back . " I'm sorry , Leorio , " Kurapika's voice says . " I really am . "
They sound so sincere that Leorio could vomit . Stop pitying him . He's not to be pitied . Leave him alone . Leave him alone leave him alone leavehimalone leavehim -
" You're not any less valid than anyone else , you know . "
His breath catches in his chest . Tears threaten him for the first time in a while .
" You grew up too fast . It's okay to grieve for the person you could have been . It's okay to want things you didn't have . "
Leorio is shaking under their fingers . He hopes it isn't noticeable . It is . Tears pour over his skin . He barely notices .
" We love you a lot , Leorio . More than I think you're aware of . Each one of us . We don't know what we'd do without you , and we're proud to have you on our team . We're proud of you . "
Proud of him .
Proud of him proud of him proud of him proudofhim proudofhim . It plays back in his head over and over until he can't remember what it actually sounded like in real life .
" I'm sorry for disregarding you . And I know that if the others knew they would be too . No one thinks that you're a bad person . We care for you . I care for you . "
Kurapika cares for him . That puts a warm feeling in his chest . They can feel him shake , so they rub small circles into the muscle of his back like if they do it long enough Leorio will forget how they even got there .
" I want you to be happy , Leorio . That's all . However you need to do that . "