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Izuku was...he didn’t know too much about what he was. It was numbness, he thought. With the grey blurring at the edges of reality.
He’d been doing fine. He thought he was doing fine, at least. It’d been normal. (He knew he’d been starting to get bad again, but didn’t really want to admit it).
So instead he lay there on his back in his bed, with the window open enough for the cool night’s breeze to drift in through the open window. Izuku stared almost blankly at the ceiling, mostly unaware of the goosebumps pebbling his skin.
His hands throbbed, scars aching from the growing chill. He’d regret it in the morning, but the pressure on his chest seemed more important in the moment. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I’m fine. It’s fine. Nothing bad has happened recently. I don’t have a reason to be like this.
He held up his hand in front of his face, flexing the fingers and watching as the scar tissue stretching over the skin moved with it. It almost hurt to move, but the pain was grounding.
That’s not a good thing to think. And he knew that, but he wasn’t sure how much he cared right now. When the pressure in his chest got to be too much he pushed himself up slowly, wincing slightly as his aching hands pulsed with a sharper pain.
He stumbled to the window, leaning against the wall and poking his head out, trying to breathe through what reminded him of smoke in his lungs. Thick, heavy, suffocating. It was hard to take a deep breath.
Izuku didn’t notice the tears starting to fall down his face until one of the drops dripped onto his hand and he touched his face lightly in surprise. He couldn’t help the slightly bitter laugh that escaped him, as more tears started to fall. He muttered to himself “I really am such a crybaby aren't I?I’m crying over nothing, Kacchan was right I am pathetic.”
He gripped the windowsill tightly in shaking hands, breath hitching with restrained sobs before he fisted one of his hands in his hair, pulling until his head protested with a throb of pain.
“Useless, pathetic Deku , why am I even trying? I’m never going to make it like this, I’m never going to be the kind of hero All Might wants me to be.” And he wouldn’t be. He could never be the next symbol, he would never be a pillar for society like he had been. He would never be good enough for that.
Who would want to look up to someone like him? Izuku resisted the urge to slam his hand into the wall (if only to feel something other than this pressure and this suffocating self hatred).
But he couldn’t do that. He wasn’t selfish enough to wake someone up doing that. “I couldn’t even handle being class rep in the beginning, couldn’t take charge during any of our lessons, how the fuck am I supposed to be a pillar to society when I’m like this?”
He squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a shuddering breath, and then pushed away from the wall and stumbled into the common area. Water. Water would be good, and he’d stop being such a baby .
He flicked on the light, and scrubbed his face roughly to clear it of tears, forcing the need to cry down (even if it continued to sit aching in his chest). He opened one of the cabinets, grabbing a glass and filling it.
He sipped at the cold water, hands shaking badly and when he went to take another sip it slipped from his hands and crashed onto the floor. He stared blankly before dropping down, picking up the pieces with trembling hands.
He didn’t fully register how the edges cut into his fingers and palms, until there was blood mixing with the water and turning it a cloudy pink and he stared at the shards in his hand, fingers twitching with the urge to see how deep that shard could go.
He unthinkingly tightened his fingers around them, watching as the skin parted easily and more blood fell from his hand.
He blinked and there was a piece in his arm. It stung. He pressed harder, and kneeling on the kitchen floor, he felt nothing. The world had gone dim again at the edges and he barely felt it beyond a slight sting.
He heard footsteps approaching, heard someone- sensei- call his name but he didn’t fully register it until there were hands on his, pulling them away from his arms (that were covered in red ).
There was murmuring in his ear, trying to pull his attention but he stared blankly at his hands as someone else held them gently, he felt himself get settled on a couch but he wasn’t sure where.
It felt like he was listening through thick water, syrup in his ears, and he couldn’t understand what was being said. Not really. It was hard to breathe still, no matter how detached he felt from things.
A gentle hand guided his face up and he met Aizawa-sensei’s eyes, staring blankly. He saw him speaking but couldn’t hear over the roaring in his ears. Izuku saw him frown and then get up to walk away, and he felt a spike of panic but it was smothered quickly by the dull grey.
When Aizawa came back he pressed something cold into Izuku’s hand, and he jolted slightly, more awareness coming as the cold shocked his system. He blinked slowly, and looked down at his hand, at the ice cube melting in his palm.
Aizawa was gently cleaning and bandaging his arms and this time he winced when the pain spiked. His hands would likely have to be wrapped afterwards, but he assumed Aizawa would take care of that when the ice was gone.
Aizawa murmured gently “you back with me kid?” And he nodded slowly, still feeling numb. And tired. The ice cube finished melting and Sensei began to wrap his hands, careful not to press too hard on the cuts there, and cleaning away the leftover water on his hands.
When he was done he sat on the couch next to Izuku, and looked at him, trying to hide the concern in his eyes. “Can you tell me what happened problem child?”
Izuku opened his mouth and swallowed hard “I..I don’t..I didn’t mean to I just-“ his hands started to tremble as the emotions started to slam into him, and he realised what had happened. It wasn’t the first time but..it was the first time he’d done it outside of his room. It was the first time he’d been caught.
Aizawa grabbed him lightly by the hands, pressing them together with his own and speaking in a low tone “What do you mean, kid? I can’t help if I don’t know.”
Izuku’s breath hitched and I’m going to cry again like a fucking crybaby arent I. He opened and closed his mouth twice before he blurted out “I just wanted to feel something different.”
Aizawa looked concerned, worry creasing his forehead. “Did something happen tonight?” And Izuku shook his head. Nothing specific had happened after all.
“No I just- I’m sorry, this is so stupid, and you shouldn’t have to deal with this and I- I just- it was just a bad night and then you caught me because I couldn’t fucking handle it and I’m sorry-“ he was cut off as Aizawa covered his mouth with a hand. He was starting to hyperventilate and he hadn’t even noticed, like a fucking idiot .
His hands shook and Aizawa removed his own hand, speaking firmly “Do not apologise, this isn’t stupid. Not at all. Your safety is my priority, always.” He looked like he was going to say more, opening his mouth, but Izuku cut him off.
“But that’s because it’s your job! And- and if you’d known me before you wouldn’t care, they never did, they just always told me to finish it-“ he stopped speaking suddenly and realised what he said, jerking back violently “I- I wasn’t supposedtosaythat I’m sorry I’m sorry I-“
Aizawa pulled him into a hug, and places Izuku’s hand on his chest, murmuring softly in his ear “Feel my heartbeat kid, follow my breathing. Yeah that’s it, just like that.”
Izuku let out a low keening whine, and clung to him as sobs started to hitch in his chest the emotion crashing into him. Aizawa held him closer and when Izuku instinctively went to claw at his arms he grabbed his wrists, placing Izuku’s hand back onto Aizawa’s chest and holding it there, other hand combing through his hair gently.
Izuku crumpled, and sobbed into his teacher's chest, struggling to breathe through his tears. He eventually forced himself away, flinching back when Aizawa reached out, and muttered a soft “ I’m sorry” repeatedly under his breath.
The man faltered, but said in a still low tone “It‘s alright. Just talk to me kiddo, what happened?” He looked concerned even if he seemed to be trying to hide it, fingers twitching with the urge to reach out again to his hurting student.
Izuku shook his head, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, trying to stabilise his breathing. He opened his mouth and shut it again before letting out a shaky breath. “It..it’s just a bad night and I just meant to get some water but then I dropped it..and there was glass and I don’t even remember doing it.” He trailed off and dug his fingers into his knees, trying to focus on the controlled pressure instead of the throbbing in his wrists or the weight on his chest.
Aizawa frowned slightly and Izuku tried to hold back a flinch. “You don’t remember? Can- can you explain that more?” He reached out slowly, remaining in Izuku’s line of sight before gently placing a hand atop dark green curls. He let it settle there for a moment, and shifted closer to his student.
Izuku sucked in his next breath a little easier than before. “It um- it’s happened before, pretty often but like..the world is dull and sound is weird and time doesn’t make sense. And it’s..hard to focus on things and I can’t always remember what I’ve been doing. Does..does that make sense?” He looked up uncertainly through dark eyelashes, and Aizawa ruffled his hair again.
He gave a faint smile. “Yeah, that works kiddo, thanks for telling me.” Izuku nodded slowly, a wariness still in his eyes and he opened his mouth to say something before seemingly cutting himself off and instead looking away at the ground.
Aizawa removed his hand but immediately placed it on the couch space between them, an offer if he wanted it, after seeing the tension bleed back into the child’s shoulders.
Izuku glanced up and then between him and his hand for a few moments before tentatively curling his trembling hands over Aizawa’s palms (and god his hands were smaller than Aizawa had ever realised before then, and scarred beyond whatever should have happened to a child his age).
Izuku took a shuddering breath and whispered another “I’m sorry”, squeezing Aizawa’s fingers slightly. The teacher curled his fingers gently in return, comfortingly.
“Don’t apologize kiddo. It’s alright. I just want to help you, okay? That’s what I do.” Aizawa adjusted, and tapped a finger on the back of the kids hand to try to coax Izuku into looking at him. “Hey. Mi- Izuku. Can you look at me?”
Izuku looked up, and Aizawa met his eyes, speaking gently “My job is to protect you, all of you. That includes protecting you from yourselves. This is not a burden, okay? This is something I am choosing to do.” He maintained eye contact, before blinking slowly at him. (Damn cat instinct, he had too many)
Izuku stared and then blinked back just as slowly. Aizawa snorted softly before he could stop himself, but it was worth it to hear the soft giggles of this kid. Aizawa opened his arms up tentatively, but muttered a soft “c’mere” and the kid relaxed into him, curling his arms around Aizawa carefully.
Aizawa combed his fingers through his hair like he had earlier, and said quietly after a few minutes “We’re going to have to talk about this more later, okay?” And Izuku nodded slowly, even as his grip tightened.
“Y-yeah. I know..” He sounded uneasy, and Aizawa hugged him a little tighter, contemplating his next words.
“We’ll need to get your arms checked, but that can wait til morning, as long as you’re willing to stay in my apartment in the next building for the night. Protocol states you need to have someone with you and whole the infirmary is open, I think you’d be more comfortable in a different bed, but you can decide.” He made sure to keep his voice at a low rumble, and was pleased to note Izuku didn’t tense up too much and remained fairly calm on his chest.
Eventually though the kid pulled back and scrubbed at his eyes again. “Stay with you..if- if that’s okay I mean, you don’t have to watch me if it’s easier for you not to and it probably is so like I’d be fine on my own if I needed to be-“
Aizawa cut him off with a hand on his head. “It’s fine. I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t perfectly okay with it.” Izuku looked at him with slightly wide eyes. This was..different. It was different. Adults weren’t supposed to care. They’d never cared before.
But Aizawa had never really been like all the adults before. Aizawa had pushed him but had believed in him, and had respected his opinion and his boundaries. Aizawa wasn’t like the others. So maybe..maybe this was real. Maybe it was really okay.
So he nodded slowly and when Aizawa got up and offered him a hand, Izuku took it, carefully being tugged to his feet. He stayed close to his teacher when they stepped outside, shivering at the cold breeze.
It was warmer inside the others apartment, and as he was being settled down in a spare room, surrounded by blankets and cats (cats!! He loved cats) he let himself believe that it might be okay. It wasn’t right now but..maybe it could be okay.
(Spoiler: it turned out okay in the end)