Chapter Text
I’ve seen this moment repeated over and over again because I’ve tried to save her more times than I can remember. That is my purpose. That is my reason to keep trying. I’m not sure how many times I can try again before I destroy myself, but that does not matter if I can save her.
It hurts less every time Asuka dies. I feel the pain inveterately now, but it is only because I’ve gotten used to the pain that I can keep trying.
I can’t save her this time. I knew that from the moment I entered this universe, but I stayed because I couldn’t let myself abandon her. I knew the pain would come, but I will always try, even in vain. It wasn’t her fault; it never was, I should’ve stopped the first time she died. I know I have to let go, but I would never forgive myself if I did. Though, I still haven’t even forgiven myself for the first time.
I didn’t have to let go. Asuka does it for me. She falls gracefully, and reaches out to the sky with the arms I wish I could embrace endlessly. Time moves slowly when you’re dreading the moment, almost like the universe is against you, holding it to your face and screaming at you to look, look and look desperate. I am not desperate. I will simply try again.
Every time I force myself to wonder what she thinks of last; sometimes I know she dies hating me, and the pain grows deeper like venom. Sometimes I fail before I even start to try. Sometimes, I want to think it will be the last time, and I can finally rest.
It never is the last time.
I refuse to let it end. I have carved Asuka’s place as the hole in my heart over and over again every time it starts to close. I would destroy the world if it meant she would be saved. I have already sacrificed myself for her sake.
I close my eyes and recite the prayer, the words are burned on my tongue and I repeat them in muscle memory, no longer knowing what they mean. When I open them, time will start again. I will have another chance to save her.
Lilith speaks to me, “Do you not know?”
I nod my head. “She will never be the Asuka I lost in the beginning.”
“So why do you continue?”
“Because she is Asuka, and because I am Rei.”
I wonder if ghosts exist. If they do, I have too many to count.
Lilith raises her hand and I let myself fall. She waves, and I land.