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I may not live to see our glory...
But I will gladly join the fight...
James Sirius Potter apparated home soon after Teddy and Lily's wedding, his heart heavy in his chest as tears begin to blur his vision. He wipes his face, runs a hand through his messy hair, and takes in a shaky breath. James had been holding them back the entire day, trying to appear happy for his friends and family, trying to seem happy for Teddy and Lily, trying to appear as if none of it affected him. But the moment that he is behind closed doors, those tears are finally let loose.
He storms into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him and for once not caring how loud it is. James squeezes his eyes shut, and he buries his face in his hands. His legs fail beneath him, and James sinks to the floor, leaning against the doorframe as his body starts shaking with sobs. He had just watched Teddy, the man he had been in love with since he was a teenager, marry someone else. No, not just someone else, but Lily -- his own fucking sister.
While James is happy that his sister is happy, he can't help the bitterness that rises within his chest. But then comes the guilt that crashes into him like a hurricane. Lily had loved Teddy for just as long, if not longer than James has -- she had been overjoyed when Teddy had proposed, and she deserves to be. James had known what he had been getting into the moment he had broken things off with Teddy -- he had known, and yet, the heartbreak is still there.
But James would sooner feel the heartbreak himself than let Lily feel it. His sister doesn't deserve to have her heart shattered into tiny pieces; she doesn't deserve to see the man she loved marrying someone else; she doesn't deserve to watch the love of her life be happy and in love with someone else. James, on the other hand, deserves all of those things. James deserves to have his heart broken; he deserves to watch the man he loved marry someone else; he doesn't deserve to be happy in the same way that she does.
Lily Luna Potter -- no, Lily Luna Lupin -- deserves happiness. She deserves to live happily with her husband, deserves to grow old with him, deserves to start a family of her own, have children maybe -- a bunch of little Lupin-Potters who would most likely be just as chaotic as she and Teddy were. Lily and Albus are the best goddamn things in James's life, and he would sacrifice anything if it meant they would be happy.
But none of that takes away the heartbreak; none of that takes away the pain he feels; none of that stops James's heart from aching whenever he sees Teddy and Lily snuggled up on the couch or snogging in the yard; none of that stops him from crying himself to sleep most nights... It doesn't stop the concerned glances that Albus gives him; it doesn't stop the strained smiles that Teddy gives him whenever their eyes meet; it doesn't stop-
Suddenly, a violent pain in his throat makes him gag, and James feels his chest constrict as he starts to cough. He coughs and coughs and coughs, and the pain in his throat only grows. James feels something wet rising from his lungs, and when he coughs it out, he realizes that it's blood, but the more James stares at it, he sees that within the clumps of blood are flower petals.
The petals belong to a forget-me-not, Teddy's favorite flower. That's the only thing James is able to realize before he is coughing again, but this time, it was so much worse. He pulls himself onto his knees, doubling over so the petals could leave his body easier. He hacks and gasps and coughs, tears blurring his vision as he tries to catch a break, but it doesn't take long for the petals to turn to straight-up flowers.
His airflow starts to be cut off as the first few flowers clog his throat, and James feels the panic rise within him as he tugs at the flowers that are now forcing their way out from his mouth. The attempt is in vain, and the only thing it does is make the pain even worse. He begins to feel lightheaded, black dots dance in the corners of his eyes, and his lungs start to scream for air. Now very, very afraid, James makes a split decision and bites down on the stems -- hard.
Thankfully, the stems are thin, so they were severed without much of a fight. James takes in a gasping, pleading breath as the air returns to him, and he collapses to the ground shaking and sobbing even more than before. Fear and confusion flares in his chest, but James simply lies there in a puddle of his own blood as his sobs finally start to die down to a more manageable degree. A few minutes pass before James actually makes an effort to get up.
He goes straight to the library Aunt Hermione had set up for him when he first moved into the house. James goes through piles upon piles of books until he finds a suitable explanation for what had just occurred. By the time the sun had started rising, James had gone through over half of his library. He finally finds what he's looking for in a book about wizarding diseases. When James actually starts to read, however, he finds himself horrified.
The hanahaki disease. The disease of unrequited love. The book says that it affects both muggles and magical folk alike -- something that is incredibly rare. According to the book, hanahaki is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. Their lungs will fill up with the flowers that were their crush's favorite, and then that person will proceed to cough those flowers up until they suffocate.
Pretty morbid.
James flips through a couple more pages, frantically searching for some more information -- if there's a cure or not. He finds it a few minutes later: some potions can help manage the disease, but they can't cure it completely. There are only two known cures for it; if James is willing to risk it, he can do a surgery to remove the flowers from his body, but there's a very high chance he will end up bleeding out before the procedure is complete.
The other option is to get the person who he's in love with (Teddy) to fall for him. But that isn't really an option. While James knows that the Lupin had loved him once upon a time, Teddy's heart belongs to someone else now, and James isn't willing to interfere with his best mate and sister's marriage. There was no way in hell he would be shallow enough to actually do something like that.
James stares at the open book sitting in front of him, feels acceptance wash over him.
"Well, shit," he mutters under his breath.
And when our children tell our story...
They'll tell the story of tonight...
A few months later, James is eating dinner at the Burrow with the rest of his family. He notices that Teddy and Lily keep muttering quietly to one another during the whole dinner, but he chooses not to say anything about it. They're married, after all, and married couples are allowed to do things like that. He has no right to feel bitter or angry about it.
The reminder that Teddy is married makes James's chest twinge, and he feels the back of his throat begin to itch as the urge to cough washes over him. He bites it back, shoveling a mouthful of mashed potatoes into his mouth to try and fight the petals that are no doubt trying to force their way out from his mouth.
At the end of dinner, Teddy stands up. "Can I have everyone's attention, please?" Immediately, everyone falls silent, all of them staring at Teddy curiously. James finds himself doing the same, ignoring the sinking feeling that is starting to form in the pit of his stomach -- though that might just be the flowers.
"So... I know that this might be a little quick, but it kind of just happened..." Teddy starts, ducking his head nervously.
"Oh, just spit it out already, Ted," Roxanne shouts, and Teddy's hair flushes bright pink.
"Right, okay, um... I don't know any other way to say it, so I'm just going to be direct," he takes in a deep breath, "Lily is pregnant!" Teddy declares, a smile splitting his face.
Silence, and then-
"Oh my Merlin!" Ginny sweeps Teddy and Lily up into a tight hug, and that's when the rest of the table snaps out of their shock. Nana Molly is sobbing tears of joy, everyone starts congratulating the couple, while Harry looks a little miffed at first, he doesn't hesitate in joining the family group hug that is forming.
James, on the other hand, can only sit there in shock, staring at the half-empty plate sitting before him -- he looks up, accidentally meeting Albus's concerned gaze. James quickly gets up, forcing a smile onto his face as he approaches Teddy and Lily. When Teddy sees him, the smile on his face falters slightly, and James tries to ignore the hurt that rushes through him.
He pulls Teddy into a hug. "Congratulations, mate," he whispers, and if he hadn't been as numb, if he hadn't been as shocked, he would have made some witty remark to cool the tension between them. But he doesn't, and when Teddy starts hugging him back, James resists the urge to bury his face into his godbrother's neck and cry.
He hugs Lily next, pressing a kiss to his sister's forehead and feeling his heart warm slightly at the smile on her face. James spends a little more time pretending to be wrapped up in the happiness of the room, but then the itch at the back of his throat returns, and he quickly excuses himself to head to the bathroom.
He hacks up two flowers, and when he emerges, no one is any wiser.
Raise a glass to freedom...
Something they can never take away...
No matter what they tell you...
Nine months later, on July 27th, seven a.m, little Nymphadora Minerva Lupin is born.
James doesn't get notified of it until three hours after his sister had gone into labor. But when he does, he apparates straight to St. Mungos without a second thought, joining the gradually growing group of Potter-Weasley's who are sitting anxiously in the waiting room. James tries not to fidget too much as he sits there, but he can't help it. There's a familiar itch in his throat, a familiar ache in his chest, and James has to shove back the urge to start coughing. If he does, he knows perfectly well how it will end up.
Four hours later, the healers come out of the room. An exhausted looking Teddy Lupin follows, and when he sees the family all gathered there, he smiles. "It's a healthy little girl," he says weakly, and the tension immediately seeps from the room. Instead, people start cheering, and James is one of the first few to be let into the room to see his new niece.
The first thing that James notices when he sees her is that she's small. Really small. Her skin is wrinkly and pale, and though she had just been born, his little niece is screaming at the top of her lungs. A tuft of red hair is already forming on her head, and James doesn't bother smothering his grin when that single tuft suddenly turns bright blue.
"Oh? We've already got a little shapeshifter on our hands, now do we?" James teases when she gets passed over to him. "I can already see it - she's going to be a heartbreaker like her handsome uncle." He strikes a pose -- as best as he can with the baby in his arms -- a cocky smirk crossing his face.
Lily, from where she lies on the bed, her cheeks still flushed bright red, scoffs. "Oh, Merlin forbid she turns out anything like you." Teddy, from where he is sitting at her bedside, his hair its natural brown, laughs.
"The world might not be able to handle something like that," Teddy teases, and the smile on his face causes the ache in James's chest to grow.
Harry steps forward, holding out his arms. "Hand her over, Jamie. I want to see my granddaughter." There's a soft smile on his face, and the way that he stares at the baby is one of pure adoration and disbelief.
In most cases, James would try and protest because this is his niece, for Merlin's sake. He wants to hold her for as long as he possibly can. But then he feels the pain in his chest and the itch in his throat grow, and he knows that it's only a matter of seconds before the coughing fit he had been holding back for so long finally starts. So James just nods, handing little Dora Lupin to his dad and watching as the baby reaches up, clasping one of Harry's fingers in her tiny hand.
He runs to the bathroom, and if he had been paying more attention, he would have noticed the way that his sister’s concerned gaze followed.
Raise a glass to the four of us...
Tomorrow, there'll be more of us...
Two years pass.
James doesn't tell a single soul about the disease slowly taking his life away from him. He doesn't tell Albus or Lily, his mom or dad, or any of his cousins or, Merlin forbid, Teddy. He doesn't think he could deal with the pity they would direct his way. But it's fine. And it's not like he's in too much pain. He manages to control the outbreaks to a degree: he takes potions, pills, and any medicine that he can get his hands on, and yet, no matter what he tries or does, he can still feel his condition worsening as the days wore on.
It gets harder and harder to breathe, and there are moments where James just sits there in bed, wondering if he should just end it all before things get really, really bad. But as James holds his wand to his head during those moments, preparing to utter the words that will end his life for good, James soon finds that he just can't do it. He just doesn't have the courage.
One of the only positives is little Dora Lupin, who grows bigger and bigger with every day that passes. She loves her Uncle James, loves it when he carries her around on his hip, loves it when he shows off the scars he got from working with Uncle Charlie. She has Lily's dark red hair and Teddy's grey eyes whenever she isn't using her abilities, but her favorite hair color to sport is bright fucking green. Like, neon fucking green.
James finds himself spending as much time with his niece as he can, wanting to make some good memories with her before he eventually succumbs to his disease. While he knows that she probably won't remember him in a few years time, he doesn't care. He takes countless pictures with her, carries her around on his shoulders, and draws with her when she's bored. James smiles and laughs with his family -- ignores the burning pain in his chest that grows worse as the days wore on -- and tries to ignore the impending doom slowly drawing closer.
And while James never tells anyone about the hanahaki, he has a feeling that Albus knows. With the outbreaks becoming more common, Albus has walked in on James coughing more than once. Not only that, but one day, after walking into a coughing fit, his brother randomly pulls him into a hug, squeezing him tight. When Albus pulls away, he doesn't say a word -- he just gives James this sad smile and walks away. James also notices Albus becoming kinder to him as the days wore on. Not that Albus wasn't kind before, he just had a very, very weird way of showing affection that includes snarky remarks, a shit ton of swearing, and a lot of him rolling his eyes.
James doesn't say anything, but he appreciates his brother's actions nonetheless.
Telling the story of tonight...
It's Halloween when it happens.
It's kind of ironic, really. The day that his namesake had died is the day that he dies as well. Things start off as they always do -- he goes through his day as usual. But that night, he wakes up with a burning pain in his chest -- one worse than anything he's ever felt before. Before his eyes even get the chance to open, he breaks out into a violent coughing fit -- pale blue petals start flying out of his mouth, and he can feel flowers slowly clawing their way up his throat.
James reaches for the scissors he had left on his bedside table, the ones he had put there so he could cut the flowers before things got too bad. James fumbles for a moment, but his fingers curl around the handle. Immediately, he snips the stems, gasping desperately as his vision blurred, but the flowers are replaced almost instantly. James does it again, and again, and again, but every time he snips the stems, more flowers appear to replace them.
He can feel himself getting weaker as his grip on the scissors loosened more and more as the lack of oxygen finally began taking its toll. Tears start to trail down his cheeks, and both his chest and lungs are burning viciously. He coughs more and more, and the scissors slip from his hand. James feels a wave of acceptance wash over him, and he lets his tearful eyes flutter shut.
This is it -- he was going to die. James coughs more and more, and something wet splatters across his hand. He doesn't have to open his eyes to know that it's blood. James falls backward onto his pillow, body convulsing as his ears start to ring. He grabs his throat, and he opens his eyes for one last time, staring up at the ceiling as the darkness closes in.
Only, he isn't alone.
A transparent face flickers above him -- a man: a familiar mop of hair is on his head. It's dad, James realizes -- but no... it isn't dad. Dad's eyes are green like Albus's -- this man's eyes are a soft hazel, and they're gazing down at James with the saddest of expressions.
That's when James realizes who he is.
"Close your eyes, James Sirius Potter," his namesake whispers, "it'll be alright."
So James does. He lets his eyes flicker shut, lets his body fall limp as the darkness closes in on him. His last thoughts are of Teddy. He thinks back a few years, remembers the feeling of his soft lips on his, of his kind smile, of his beautiful laugh...
James Sirius Potter takes in his last breath.
They'll tell the story of tonight...