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The music was deafening in the Gryffindor common room. The marauders did go all out on birthdays. But Remus wasn’t celebrating. Not exactly anyway. He wasn’t out there celebrating with Mr James Potter, king of the quidditch field and all-time favourite birthday boy. No, he was sitting in his dorm, alone, cigarette pressed between his lips. Smoke enveloped him but he didn’t bother to open the windows, there was comfort in the feeling of being surrounded.
Thoughts were racing through his head. He tried his best to keep his emotions at bay but it was difficult as the tears pricked the back of his eyes. Remus squeezed the area between his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, trying hard to focus on the terrible rendition of Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy being sung outside in the common room. One voice was loudest: Sirius fucking Black.
“For the love of fuck…” Remus started pacing around the beds, hoping some movement would block out his thoughts. It was going well enough until a knock came at the door.
“Oi, Moony, you in there mate?” There was that voice again, hoarse now from screaming.
“Yeah, you need something?” Before Remus had time to prepare himself the door swung open and he was greeted with a rather sweaty Sirius. Remus’ breath got caught in his throat and the cigarette definitely didn’t help this. Sirius’ shirt was almost completely unbuttoned and his tie was loose around his neck. Remus went red when he realised he had been staring and looked away. But not before noticing the lipstick marks around his neck and chest. Of course, it’s Sirius.
“What you doing moping up here, man?” Sirius raised his eyebrows as he walked over to Remus.
“Fuck off, I’m not moping. Was just in desperate need of a fag.” Remus showed him the half-smoked cigarette.
“That’s your second one in about half an hour, what’s wrong?” What’s wrong? You’re what’s bloody wrong. Remus bit his tongue.
Sirius reached out, putting his hand on Remus’ shoulder, earning a sharp gasp from Remus. He raised his eyebrow at Sirius who didn’t seem very bothered by this reaction.
Remus didn’t know how to react in this situation. He just stared at Sirius, who really didn’t want to move his hand. Did he think this would make him talk about his problems?
“Look, Sirius, I appreciate the, uh, gesture, but I really am fine.” Remus awkwardly wiggled out of his grip and took a drag of the cigarette in his hand. Sirius gave him a look that screamed ‘stop lying to me’. Instead, he just asked for a smoke.
“You’re not going to stop, are you?” Sirius shook his head. Stubbornness really ran in the family.
Remus this time decided to open a window and stared outside as he smoked. The cold air was refreshing and also finally replaced the smokey air in the dorm. Remus tensed up as he felt Sirius behind him. He hated how close Sirius was to him. Hated his stupid eyes that he couldn’t stop staring at and that stupid hair he wished he could just run his hand through, those god awful hands. He hated it all. Or so he tried to tell himself.
“Rem, you’re staring.” Remus blinked away quickly while Sirius chuckled. He fucking chuckled.
“Right, sorry. Zoned out.” Remus rushed for an excuse.
“Hey, I do not blame you for staring.” Sirius winked at him jokingly, making Remus roll his eyes.
“You do that a lot, you know that right?” Remus’ eyes widened.
“What? Zone out? Yeah mate, I get fucking bored listening to you guys.”
“No. You stare, Remus.” Sirius was looking at him teasingly but Remus couldn’t understand what was going on in his mind
“I think you may have the wrong idea there Siri. Not everyone is in love with you.” That one made Sirius laugh.
“Excuse me, I have girls lining up begging for me to date them.” Remus felt that in his chest. Yeah, I guess I’m one of the people in that line.
Everyone at Hogwarts was in love with Sirius. Everyone at Hogwarts also knew about Sirius’ sex drive. Remus was honestly certain that Sirius and James fucked when they were bored. Remus had been with girls, though he was definitely a lot more secretive about it.
Remus was lost in his thoughts again, completely zoned out with the cigarette in his mouth while Sirius rambled on about god knows what.
“Lupin, have you ever kissed a guy?” Remus started choking on the smoke.
“What the fuck, Black?” Remus shot him a stare.
“I was just curious!” Sirius threw his hands up to defend himself, “I just remember you saying you had experience in areas we didn’t.”
Remus choked out a laugh and faced Sirius, “Yes, Pads, I have kissed a guy. A rather attractive one at that.” Sirius’ eyes widened. Shit.
“Oh… wow… okay. Right.” Remus couldn’t tell if he should laugh or stare him down.
“Look, Black, if you’re gonna throw a slur at me just get it over and done with. I promise I’ll laugh.” Remus took one last drag of his cigarette and put it out against the windowsill.
“I wasn’t gonna say anything bad, moony. Just wasn’t expecting that.” Sirius had a somewhat defensive tone. His eyes were darting around before he finally turned back to his cigarette.
“Riiiight…” Remus went to turn around but faced Sirius instead, “What’s the problem, Black?”
“Nothing! I swear!” Remus had knocked him out of his own trance this time.
“You’re doing the zoning out now.”
“Just thinking.”
“About.”
“Kissing you.” Remus’ eyes widened. What the fuck was happening tonight?
“Right, Sirius, how much have you had to drink tonight? I really don’t think you should be drinking anymore.” Remus this time did turn away and started walking towards his bed but was forced back by a pull on his wrist.
“Okay yes I’ve had a bit to drink, but I meant what I said.” Remus shook his head and pulled his arm away.
“Sirius, shut up. I beg of you.” What was this feeling? Remus was angry but he had no idea why he was angry. Sirius was drunk, if they kissed now he would laugh about it later and Remus would continue biting his tongue.
Before he could even think of anything else, Sirius’ lips were on his. Remus took a sharp breath in, breathing him in. He thought maybe he should fight, push him off. But that wasn’t his first thought, his first thought was to pull him in. He wanted to feel all of Sirius. When Remus’ hand reached Sirius’ waist he realised what he had done and practically threw Sirius off of him so he landed against the wall.
“Fucking hell Sirius. I need to take a breather.” Remus grabbed his pack and almost ran out of the dorm.
“Heyyyy, Remussss!” The drunken voice of James shouted after him but Remus just kept walking.
Fuck fuck fuck.
He walked out onto the grounds easily as he was quiet enough to be ignored by anyone around. He lit another cigarette and sat with his back to the wall. What the actual fuck had just happened.
Remus knew he liked Sirius. Hell, he’d been dreaming of the boy for a year now. But that was not how he expected that to go. He thought he could go the rest of his life ignoring how he felt about the Black boy but no, he just had to go and kiss him.
Did Sirius like him? Was that even a possibility? Sirius was known for his rather desperate love for women. But maybe there was a possibility. There was a spark of hope in Remus’ chest. Maybe this could be something he could do. And he was stupid enough to let that hope grow.
After what felt like an hour, though it was probably only half, Remus finally went back into the castle. His hands were bright red and he could see his breath in the air mixed with the smoke of the cigarette. His mind wandered occasionally to the Black boy and that kiss. He wanted to talk to Sirius. He wanted to know what the hell was going on in his mind. He couldn’t help but make up scenarios in his head like a 12-year-old, thinking about a happy ending for both of them.
That all shattered the minute he stepped foot into the common room. The music was still blasting and the room reeked of sweaty teenagers and alcohol. In the middle of the dance floor was Sirius. No, no, in the middle of the dance floor was Sirius practically having sex with this girl. He had his hands all over her and his lips locked with hers. Remus felt the light of hope in his chest slowly burn out. Sirius caught Remus’ eye and immediately froze. There was a sign of guilt in his eyes, regret.
But this was normal for Remus. He was stupid to get his hopes up. He should’ve learnt years ago that he really shouldn't do that.
He ignored the calls for him to join in the party, quietly declining, saying he really wasn’t feeling well. He stayed for maybe ten minutes, drinking whatever James put in front of him, all while ignoring the burning stare of Sirius which we could feel in the back of his neck.
After downing the last of his fire whiskey, Remus put an arm around James and wished him a happy birthday before stalking up to the dorm. He felt Sirius’ eyes on him as he walked across the room. As he walked up the stairs he heard steps behind him. Without turning he called out to the boy following him.
“Go back down Sirius. I want to sleep.” Sirius froze.
“Remus, I’m so sorry.”
“You were drunk, we can laugh about it tomorrow.” With that, Remus continued walking and went into the dorm.
He laughed at himself quietly as a tear rolled down his cheek. God, why am I crying? He couldn’t stop though. Through choked laughs he let the tears fall.
Happy fucking birthday, James.