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Yue Qi hacked out a lungful of smoke, panting harshly to catch his breath. The air was sulfurous and thick with the stench of blood, thanks to whatever creature he'd just slayed. Some type of three-headed beast. There were too many to keep track of in the Endless Abyss and if he survived long enough to make it out of here, he'd sooner never see another demon in his life.
And he had to survive. He had to survive, to escape, to go back to the Qiu estate, to save Xiao Jiu. Thinking of what would happen if he didn't reach his goal, it was not even an option.
Yue Qi had lost track of how long it's been. Months, years, he didn't know how long he'd been trapped in this hellscape for, and each day drove a knife in him more than any of the enemies he fought. The clock was ticking and each day was like another little failure to Xiao Jiu. He fantasized, sometimes, about clawing those Qiu's to shreds once he got his hands on them. Yue Qi never would've described himself as violent before, but then he never thought he was half demon before either. Maybe that part of his heritage was why he now dreamed of chopping Qiu Jianluo's limbs, of testing all the methods of torture he could imbue on the man with his blood parasites.
But he reprimanded himself for thinking these things because he didn't know if it'd be too far for Xiao Jiu. Oh, Xiao Jiu would want revenge, he was sure, but if that revenge was too savage, Xiao Jiu could instead grow to fear his Qi-ge. And that thought terrified Yue Qi more than the thought of never seeing a blue sky again.
Yue Qi might be an abomination, half human and half heavenly demon, a scorn of both the realms that shouldn't exist. But he felt it in his very soul that his purpose in life was to protect Xiao Jiu, and he would give everything to serve his purpose. He would do anything and everything Xiao Jiu asked of him, bar nothing.
To do that, he had to leave the Abyss first.
The tribe of succubi had pointed Yue Qi in this direction. There was a legend of the twin demon swords, Xin Mo and Xuan Su. One devoured the mind, the other devoured the lifespan. Yue Qi already knew Xuan Su would be his, because he would sooner throw away life than sanity, it wasn't even a question. He didn't need a long life, just a clear mind, to protect Xiao Jiu.
Scouring the landscape more, he entered the cave the beast had been guarding. And there in the ground stood those two swords pulsing with demonic energy.
Yue Qi grabbed the hilt of Xuan Su with no hesitation.
The power was a shock to his system, but with the will of a heavenly demon, he forced control over the blade and made it serve him. He carved a slice into the bedrock that would serve as his portal to the human realm. He left behind Xin Mo and the rest of the Abyss and didn't look back.
When he was out the other side, what greeted him was only the burnt wreckage of the Qiu estate.
Yue Qi collapsed to his knees and screamed.
___
Yue Qi didn't dare to breathe when he saw him again.
He had hoped. He had prayed to whatever gods might listen. He had cried himself to sleep at night and fought for any clues he could find, for where Xiao Jiu had gone.
He'd searched through the rubble of the Qiu estate for 3 days before deciding none of the remains were Xiao Jiu's.
Whether Xiao Jiu still lived after he escaped was a mystery.
But here Xiao Jiu stood in front of him now, wide eyed and wary.
"Why didn't you come back," Xiao Jiu asked him.
Nothing Yue Qi could say would ever make up for being too late. No excuse could lift Xiao Jiu's burdens. The truth would only hurt Xiao Jiu more– Xiao Jiu would either be horrified to know Yue Qi was an abomination and a demon or, on the slim chance he still respected Yue Qi, then he would be hurt to know the ordeals Yue Qi went through just to leave the Abyss. He would be enraged by the sword. Yue Qi still kept Xuan Su sheathed at his side at all times, always ready to use as a last resort.
Yue Qi sunk his head low and spat out worthless apologies. The words were worth less than the dirt beneath Xiao Jiu's feet, but there was nothing else Yue Qi could say, his hands were tied.
Xiao Jiu's face went cold and distant, and Yue Qi's heart shuddered under the weight of that gaze. There was no warmth in it. He'd failed again.
___
Yue Qi was a monster, and he didn't deserve Xiao Jiu or his forgiveness, but he would sooner die than let Xiao Jiu come to harm.
It was with this reasoning that he slipped his blood into Xiao Jiu's tea, at the earliest chance he'd gotten since their reuniting. Just a drop of it, Xiao Jiu wouldn't even taste it, wouldn't ever know. He didn't need to know. Yue Qi would never manipulate his blood to do anything but heal, or locate Xiao Jiu if they ever separated again. Not that they'd ever separate again if he could help it.
And the blood did help. Training at this late a stage took its toll on Xiao Jiu's body, and he struggled with bottleneck after bottleneck of cultivation. He experienced qi deviations frequently, to Yue Qi's horror, but his blood parasites sped his recoveries every time. Any other person experiencing qi deviations on this scale, this often, would have likely died by now. So no, Yue Qi did not regret giving Xiao Jiu his blood for one second, even if Xiao Jiu found out one day and scorned him for it.
Maybe because Xiao Jiu already loathed him, it was easier to make these excuses and justifications, that Xiao Jiu couldn't hate him that much more for the liberties he was taking. The lines he was crossing. But when lies were a web spun to cradle a loved one from harm, when boundaries were snuck passed to push him forwards in his journey, when the parasitic blood in his veins was actually keeping him alive and well, could it really be so wrong?
He didn't know what the right answer was, if there was one.
All he knew was that it hurt, to know Xiao Jiu was training at Qing Jing, not Qiong Ding. But it was still a peak of Cang Qiong and Xiao Jiu would be safe here. With luck, Xiao Jiu would even rise to peak lord status alongside Yue Qi, and then Xiao Jiu would have no reason to leave Cang Qiong, he'd stay right by Yue Qi's side. He was going to be under the whole sect's protection and Yue Qi could count on that keeping Xiao Jiu safe, safe, safe.
Nothing else mattered if Xiao Jiu was safe.
Not even his own… feelings.
The thing was that Xiao Jiu has always been his most important person. And he's since realized that perhaps his feelings for Xiao Jiu closer reflect a mix of demonic possessiveness and human companionship, rather than just human companionship alone. And he had difficulty stomping down the demonic side to his wants, even if he never, ever will act on those thoughts. He didn't want to possess Xiao Jiu, or lock him in a gilded cage, or limit Xiao Jiu's freedom in ways that would make him miserable. He didn't want to want that. He refused to use his power over Xiao Jiu and make him just another kind of slave, no matter how fiercely he wished to protect Xiao Jiu from even the slightest threats until the end of time. No matter how on worse nights, something screamed inside him to take Xiao Jiu and run away, forget about Cang Qiong, just run and leave to the ends of the earth, find the most isolated place in all realms and never take his eyes off him and never let him starve again or bleed again or slip away again–
Yue Qi's nails turn to sharp, inhuman claws that cut into his biceps and bled.
No
No
He didn't want to want that. That wasn't him. That...
But even so, he still had thoughts.
He was ashamed of most all of them, but there were some that veered in a very different direction from the former.
It didn't help that they were getting older now, and he could stand so near Xiao Jiu after so long separated, and Xiao Jiu… Xiao Jiu was growing into himself, stood a little stronger, spoke a little louder, day by day, and when he fought so gracefully in sparring practice like his cultivation method was a dance, an extension of himself, leaves turned to knives, beauty turned deadly. Watching made Yue Qi's throat dry. Even if Xiao Jiu would never reach his full potential for cultivation, Yue Qi knew Xiao Jiu would have him beat if they ever sparred– if Xiao Jiu ever deigned to grace Yue Qi the time for a spar, something unlikely to ever happen.
He was so, so beautiful.
Nothing could prepare him for the jealousy that hit him hard, when he heard the rumors Xiao Jiu visited brothels. He saw in his mind a vision of every last of those establishments burnt to the ground by his own hand. And Yue Qi fought harder with himself not to give in to the temptation, all the while feeling sick with himself, for daring to wish to be the one Xiao Jiu came to at night instead, the one to warm Xiao Jiu's bed side, when he'd failed Xiao Jiu and still wasn't worthy of him.
He touched himself to thoughts of his dearest Xiao Jiu. Tainted the image of Xiao Jiu with his filthy fantasies. His selfish desires. The demonic side of his blood was ravenous for Xiao Jiu's touch, Xiao Jiu's mouth, Xiao Jiu's body, Xiao Jiu's soul and Xiao Jiu's everything. Yue Qi was weak to cave to these instincts even in his bed at night, but part of the problem was Xuan Su, too. The succubi had warned him the twin swords could intensify his base urges, sexual urges included. Yue Qi absolutely refused to force himself on Xiao Jiu, and he could never imagine himself lying in bed with another, so all he had was himself to deal with his arousal in the dead of night, his own groans muffled into his pillows so none could hear.
Instead of calming down, his desires only grew more intense as time moved on, and his sexual fantasies grew more specific, detailed, and numerous. Every thought he had revolved around Xiao Jiu, from his scathing remarks and hatred to the softer fantasies where Xiao Jiu loved and forgave him.
He was almost relieved when he began training under the dream demon– he wouldn't destroy Meng Mo if he could teach him such a useful skill, and the idea of using elaborate dreamscapes to temper these desires was a little too appealing.
Time passed, the old peak lords retired, and the next 12 peak lords ascended. Yue Qi took on the name Yue Qingyuan, and with the power of being sect leader, he felt more sure now than ever that he could protect Xiao Jiu from anything. Xiao Jiu, Shen Jiu, rose as the peak lord of Qing Jing under the name Shen Qingqiu. Yue Qingyuan flinched when the name was revealed, and in that moment he wanted nothing more than to tear Xiao Jiu's shizun to pieces, force him to choke on his own blood and die like a drowning insect with its wings clipped, just for daring to force such a horrid name on his disciple.
So then Yue Qingyuan forced himself to leave on unsteady legs, to breathe through choked up lungs, to calm or at least pretend to well enough until the violent thought subsided. It was a coincidence, it had to be, and in the end, Xiao Jiu's shizun had still chosen him for the peak lord position. Yue Qingyuan had to be grateful for that.
(Yue Qingyuan had to not kill a man whose death would be blamed on Xiao Jiu before anyone else, being his former Shizun– being that no one else "should" have the motivation to make him disappear.)
...After that, Yue Qingyuan had the brief thought of slipping his blood into every newly ascended peak lord. It was a temptation difficult to resist. If ever a time came when one of them betrayed the sect, or betrayed Xiao Jiu… but no, he couldn't use his power for the sake of paranoia and what-ifs. Because… because… oh, he wished he could say it was because "it wouldn't be right," and speak that without a hint of falsehood. But that wasn't even close to the real reason. The truth was far more selfish: the more people who had his blood flowing in their veins, the higher chance at least one of them would find out about it, and the higher the possibility Xiao Jiu would overhear of this, would connect the dots and learn he's had Yue Qingyuan's blood inside him all this time. What hazardous level of qi deviation would strike Xiao Jiu amidst the feeling of such a sharp betrayal? What if it cost him his life? What if it didn't, but then, either in fear or revenge, he forced himself out of Yue Qingyuan's life? Yue Qingyuan didn't know which was worse. Yue Qingyuan couldn't risk that. Yue Qingyuan was selfish and every day it felt more true.
He was still tempted sometimes, especially with the way Liu-Shidi argued with Xiao Jiu, but every time he held back from anything rash– he couldn't harm Liu Qingge for the same reasons he couldn't harm Xiao Jiu's former shizun: the fingers of blame would all point to Xiao Jiu himself.
Xiao Jiu still resented him, still pushed him away, referred to him distantly with the title of zhangmen-shixiong and refused to allow him onto his peak if he could help it, but Yue Qingyuan still loved him. He loved him, with every part of his being, and if he could never again be closer to Xiao Jiu than this, he would be alright. Xiao Jiu simply being alive in this world was enough, and Yue Qingyuan would continue protecting Xiao Jiu both in blatant gestures and in secrecy. Even if Xiao Jiu never realized. Especially if Xiao Jiu never realized.
Like this, he could almost pretend Xiao Jiu was his, just almost.