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Michael isn’t sure what woke him up. The bedroom is still dark and quiet, but while he fell asleep pressed against Alex, they are no longer touching. He wonders if Alex woke up and left the bedroom. It’s not unusual for him to spend an hour or two in the living room when he can’t sleep. But when he stretches and turns, he sees Alex laying on his side watching Michael. He scoots closer and runs his hand down Alex’s arm. Alex’s expression is soft and gentle, and Michael thinks this might be one of those nights where they trade kisses until they fall back asleep.
Alex smiles and closes his eyes, capturing Michael’s hand when it brushes his. He squeezes Michael's hand before opening his eyes and speaking, voice barely above a whisper, “I don’t want to hurt you any more.”
The easy answer is ‘then don’t,’ but Alex’s words are unexpected, at odds with the peace they normally find in their bedroom, and Michael’s confusion keeps him silent.
“I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
“And how do I deserve to be loved?” Michael keeps his tone light, curious, hoping Alex takes the invitation to tease him.
Alex squeezes his hand again and takes a deep breath. “Without reservation. You should be loved openly, completely. You should be loved so deeply you never have to question it. I don’t know if I can do that.”
Michael closes the remaining distance between, hooks his leg around Alex’s and rests his head on his pillow. “Isn’t that for me to decide,” he reminds Alex gently.
They’re so close Alex barely has to move to place a kiss on Micheal’s forehead. “Self-preservation has never been your strong suit.”
Michael doesn’t say anything. It would be easy, too easy, to counter and start an argument where instead of hurling accusations, it’s self-recriminations they tally.
“For a long time I thought the worst thing about growing up with my father was not being loved,” Alex stops and tilts his head so he’s not looking at Michael.
As the seconds tick by, and Alex doesn’t continue. Michael taps his hip with their clasped hands to remind him that he’s still there. He thinks about kissing Alex, to comfort him, reassure him, to push the conversation to another time, but he can hear Reilly snoring in his dog bed so whatever is bothering Alex isn’t bad enough to alert him. Instead he waits, lets Alex decide if there is more he wants to say.
Finally, Alex takes a shaky breath and faces Michael again. “The worst part is that I never learned how to love. I love you so much. I feel like I am filled with love for you, but I don’t know what to do with it.”
The defeat in Alex’s voice sends a flare of rage through Michael’s body. He wants to revel in it, let the familiar warmth of anger give him purpose because it’s easier to focus on the person who hurt Alex than face the truth of how much Alex has been hurt. But he pushes his anger away so he can focus his attention on Alex instead of a long dead monster they will never be able to completely vanquish.
“When Maria broke up with me, she told me there was someone else who could make me happier than she did. She didn’t say your name, but we both knew she was talking about you.” He’s told Alex this before, years ago when they were trying to find a way forward. But Alex gives him his complete attention, trusting Michael is telling him again for a reason. “I thought she was wrong. Back then, if I even let myself think about being with you, happy wasn’t a word that came to mind. I thought if we ever managed to have a relationship, it would be full of drama, passionate and cosmic, sure, but not happy.”
Alex laughs when Michael says cosmic, and Michael can’t help but kiss him, both as a reward and to take some of the sting out of his words.
“She was right, though, and I’ve learned never to question Maria. We might have struggled to get here, but being with you isn’t a struggle. Life is chaos, it’s endlessly frustrating and sometimes heartbreaking, but being with you is my comfort, my safe space. Our relationship gives me strength and purpose and security. When I am with you I am both at peace and inspired, and I am happier than I ever thought I could be.”
He sees Alex shake his head and knows he wants to argue, so he lets go of Alex’s hand and presses two fingers against his lips, “Shhh,’ he says. “Listen.” He takes his fingers away and rests his hand on Alex’s shoulder, lightly massaging while he talks.
“I asked Maria once, after I realized how happy I was with you, if she looked into our future. She said she didn’t have to, that she saw us together at the hospital, and she knew.”
“I don’t remember being at the hospital with you,” Alex furrows his brow in confusion, and Michael can’t resist reaching up and smoothing it out with his thumb.
“I didn’t either,” Michael wasn’t surprised neither of them remembered. They had both been so focused on Maria and her recovery, a chance meeting didn’t merit their attention. There’d been no longing glances or weighted conversation, just the two of them briefly sharing space. “She told me you were saying goodbye when I came in. We were only together for a minute or two, but it was enough for her to know.”
“Something about our auras?”
“She wouldn’t say, but that’s what I thought too,” Michael shrugs. He knows Maria sees a lot more than she ever let on, but auras is usually the description she falls back on. “After she told me, I would think about it sometimes, try to figure out what she saw.” Michael leaves it there, waiting to see if Alex wants to know.
“What do you think she saw?” he asks, a bit of hope mixing with the curiosity in his voice.
“Remember when we found out my mom said there was no music on my planet?” Alex nods and Michael continues. “I hated hearing that because music is the one thing that has always calmed me, quieted all the noise in my head. I wondered if I would have missed it, even without knowing what it was, I would have felt the absence. Maybe I would have always felt a step out of place if I’d stayed there.”
“There would have been music. You would have taught them what it was.”
Michael shakes his head a little, amazed at the way Alex states that as a simple fact. That he believes Michael could have brought music to a culture that developed without it, that he would have the skill and insight to translate what lived inside him into a new language for his people. He can believe with certainty that Michael is capable of that while still believing he doesn’t know how to love Michael. He doesn’t know where Alex’s doubts are coming from tonight, maybe Alex will eventually tell him, but he may not. Sometimes they why is just less important than how they deal with them.
“I think my soul is always singing, trying to find the music to calm it, that’s what my aura is. But no one hears it because it’s playing at the wrong frequency, you know. Except you, Alex, you hear it, and your soul sings back. And once she saw us together, Maria could see it too. She looked at our auras and saw our souls singing to each other.”
He sees tears fill Alex’s eyes before he presses his face into Michael’s neck.
“You’re the only one who can do that for me, Alex. No one else makes me feel complete, no one else can love me the way you do. Promise me you’ll remember that.”
Alex’s breath hitches and he shudders in Michael’s arms. Michael kisses the top of his head and rubs his back. He silently curses himself for not telling Alex this sooner. It had felt too personal, too revealing about the depth of his own feelings. But what he didn’t consider is just like he needs physical, tangible proof - both their names on the mortgage, Alex agreeing to be their niece’s godfather - that Alex is as committed to their life as he is, that he’s not looking to leave, Alex might need to know that he gives Michael everything he needs to be happy and loved, that Michael isn’t missing out on anything by choosing to be with Alex.
Alex kisses Michael’s shoulder before looking up and giving Michael a watery smile, “I don’t know how you can just say things like.”
“You inspire me,” Michael wipes the traces of tears from Alex’s face. “Besides, how many love songs have you written me?”
“Not nearly enough,” Alex takes Michael’s hand again and kisses each finger. “And it’s not the same thing. I think about every word and rewrite them so many times. It feels like such a struggle to share the simplest thing, to find a way to say I love you. Even in the middle of the night, you know the right thing to say. It comes so naturally to you.”
“You are seriously underestimating the number of mental conversations I am having while changing someone’s oil.”
“I wish I could hear them,” Alex yawns, dropping Michael’s hand to stretch.
“Tired?”
“Yeah, sorry for keeping you up.”
“I like being up with you,” Michael shrugs away his apology. “We don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow. Except for playing with Reilly, we can spend the whole day in bed.”
“Sounds good,” Alex smiles, but Michael can still see a hint of sadness in his expression. “I do love you, you know. So much more than I’ll ever be able to show you.”
“I love you, too,” Michael slides his hand over Alex’s heart and something inside him clicks, knowledge he didn’t realize he had, is suddenly just there. Now that he knows what he can do, knows how to do it, it’s hard to hold back even long enough to make sure Alex wants this as much as he does. “I know how much you love me, Alex. I don’t ever question it, it’s a part of me now. I can show you,” he presses his hand harder against Alex’s heart to make sure he understands.
“You can do that?” Alex looks at Michael with a mixture of awe and hope and leans into his hand.
“Yeah, I can,” Michael doesn’t even try to hold back the smile the blooms on his face. He feels like his whole body is thrumming in anticipation. He takes a breath to center himself, focusing his attention back on Alex. With his free hand, he brushes the hair from Alex’s face. “Let me sing you to sleep.”
Alex closes his eyes and inhales sharply. “Please,” he breathes back out, opening his eyes and holding Michael’s gaze as he leans forward. As their lips meet, Michael feels warmth radiating from his palm. As all the barriers between them fall away, Michael feels the love surrounding them, and he knows he was right earlier, this will be one of those nights where they kiss and hold each other until they fall asleep.