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Back in high school, Joochan had been really looking forward to the mythical land of uni. It was supposed to be where there would be less of a social hierarchy, people would care less in general, and fellow students would be less likely to box you in as the “music nerd” at first glance, then never spare you a second.
Now, in his second month of uni, Joochan thinks he may be a bit of a wishful thinker.
Sure, the hierarchy may not be as prominent and there are more music nerds in his major. None of that helps the pang of longing when Joochan inevitably has a table all to himself and his overpriced sandwich, a few tables away from the cool kids. Those were not supposed to be present in uni either but there they are, loud laughter filling up the otherwise quiet campus café.
They do seem nice, though, Joochan will give them that. Some of them are, he knows, because for better or for worse he shares classes with a few, and because Lee Jangjun is too loud and friendly to remain unnoticed.
That's precisely the reason Joochan is trying his best to not attract too much attention. While he’s somewhat friendly with quite a few, none of them are friends, not really, and the thought of spending time in a large group of people he’s not close to makes Joochan a little antsy. That’s what he reasons with himself, whenever Jaehyun or Donghyun or, a few times, Jangjun, would extend an invitation to hang out and Joochan has to make a split-second excuse why that would be a bad idea.
The sandwich wrapper crinkles in his fingers and Joochan tries to make his exit as quiet as possible.
Of course, it doesn’t go as planned. The cool kids table is right by the entrance and Donghyun waves at him. Before Joochan can wave back and maybe run away, suddenly the entire table of maybe six rather intimidating boys is looking at him.
Intimidating and pretty Joochan's brain supplies unhelpfully. There is a pair of eyes Joochan avoids especially, and what if the face they belong to makes his heart a little jittery?
"Joochannie," Jangjun's voice breaks through his thoughts and when Joochan turns to him, he's sporting quite an impressive pout. "How did I not see you before? Wanna join us?"
If having six pairs of eyes on him was nerve-wracking, six pairs of expectant eyes is twice as bad and Joochan's brain scrambles for an excuse.
"I, uh," he tries, then falters. "I'm kind of in a rush? Maybe next time?"
Jangjun's face falls for a brief second before he's smiling again. "I'll hold you to that! Have fun whatever you're doing."
Joochan nods, promises an ambiguous next time and all but runs out the door. It’s an exchange that has happened quite a few times now, in more or less the same words. He doesn't put much weight to it, despite the now-reinforced longing in his gut. If he never stays, he’ll never get to find out what their expressions look like when they inevitably find out he’s not actually all that interesting. If he never stays, he’ll never get to see those eyes up close and that’s probably a good thing. Joochan doesn’t put much weight to that either.
*
The ambiguous next time turns out to be the day after. It’s Jangjun only this time, cornering him at the end of a hallway. Joochan’s next class is in what’s essentially a basement room, the hallway somehow dark even though all the lights are working.
It sends a shiver up Joochan’s spine, the unpleasant kind, but Jangjun is like an overly excited kitten at worst, so he forces it down.
“I’m going to be honest with you,” Jangjun starts, brows drawn in a frown. “Half of my friends are convinced you hate us and the other half that you’re just painfully awkward. I was running on the assumption that it’s the second one, but I really need confirmation because I may love being a bother but I don’t want to be an actual bother, you know?”
“You’re not!” Joochan hurries to say because. He isn’t. Jangjun is funny and sweet and a little too out there for Joochan’s inner peace sometimes but a bother he is not. “I don’t hate any of you, you’re just- intimidating, I guess?”
Jangjun blinks at him. “We are what?”
Well. Joochan already dug his grave, may as well lay in it. “You’re just,” he waves a hand around, like it’s going to get his point across. Jangjun’s expression does not change. “You just seem very fun,” Joochan finishes lamely. “And… a lot, in general. I don’t do well with unfamiliar people. And I’m not sure I’m cool enough to become familiar.”
Jangjun’s eyes narrow, like he’s offended and Joochan frantically plays back his words. Nothing seems out of place?
“I’m going to pretend that last part never came out of your mouth,” Jangjun states. “So it’s an anxiety thing, then? Would it help if it were fewer people at a time?”
Joochan stares at him. “Probably? Why would you go through the trouble, though?”
Jangjun heaves an impressive, long suffering sigh. He’d be a good actor, Joochan decides.
“Because you seem fun too,” Jangjun says slowly, like he’s talking to a child. “And maybe because I’m a better friend than some people deserve. Those people are not you, by the way,” he adds before Joochan’s nerves can spike up again.
“You’re not going to tell me who, are you?” Joochan asks after a beat of silence.
Jangjun beams at him. “Nope, but if he behaves you might just get to find out.”
*
Joochan doesn’t dare think anything's going to change too much but in hindsight, that was rather foolish.
It's little things, at first - Donghyun sits with him exclusively for their shared music theory class now; the lecture he shares with Jaehyun is shared by two other majors so it's hard to find seats but Jaehyun chats with him on the way to and out of the lecture hall, complains or simply walks with him in comfortable silence. Joochan can’t imagine it's terribly entertaining but Jaehyun either doesn’t mind or is very good at hiding it. Wishful thinking is what Joochan is good at, however, and he prefers to believe the comfortable silence is comfortable on both ends.
On a rainy Wednesday, Jangjun shows up at the campus cafe where Joochan currently is hiding from the rain. He's not alone, of course he isn't, but Joochan's poor heart stutters in his chest when he realizes just who Jangjun is with.
“Hi,” Jangjun greets, hovering just next to Joochan’s tiny table. “Mind if we join you?”
There aren’t any free tables and Jangjun could’ve very well used that as an excuse. Joochan appreciates he didn’t.
“Sure,” he moves his bag from the free chair next to him. He’s only somewhat surprised that Jangjun is not the one that takes the seat.
Jangjun does look incredibly pleased with himself, though.
“This is Youngtaek,” he starts, gesturing at the current source of Joochan’s nerves. “I’m not sure you’ve met before?”
“We haven't,” Youngtaek says, and Joochan has heard his voice before, sure, but this close it's a whole other feeling. It's a lot higher than Joochan initially thought it would be, given the blank expression Youngtaek sports a lot of the time. Especially when not with his friend group.
Joochan takes a second too long to reply. "I'm Joochan. Nice to meet you?"
"Very nice," Youngtaek agrees, in a tone that sets Joochan's skin on fire.
Jangjun goes for a facepalm but ends up just covering his face with his hands. He peeks through his fingers, glaring in Youngtaek’s general direction.
“Why do I even bother,” he sighs, dropping his hands. Like magic, the glare is washed out by a smile when he turns to Joochan again. “So, I believe this is the last person you don’t know? Except Daeyeol and Sungyoon I guess but you probably won’t meet them on campus so that doesn’t count. And Bomin. Wait, I think also Seungmin but he’s like, adorable, so that doesn’t count either.”
Joochan blinks at him, momentarily distracted from trying to sneak glances at Youngtaek (he got caught each time). “What do you mean?”
“You can now hang out with us!” Jangjun says, voice full of glee. “I mean, not much has changed, sure, but now there wouldn’t be anyone unfamiliar?”
Now Joochan’s face is definitely on fire.
“Don’t mind him, he has this weird idea that everyone should be friends with everyone always. You get used to it at some point.” Youngtaek grins and, wow, that’s one pretty smile. Joochan may be a little blinded.
“Heeey, there’s nothing bad in having friends!” Jangjun pouts, which only makes Youngtaek laugh harder. Joochan feels a little bad about laughing along but Jangjun doesn’t look really offended, so it’s probably fine.
“There really isn’t,” Joochan agrees, which makes Jangjun beam. “I just wish I was better at making them.”
Youngtaek gives him a curious look.
“I’ll be your social shield,” Jangjun vows solemnly, complete with the bow and the excessively official voice.
“You’re more like a social magnet,” Youngtaek laughs, knocking his elbow into Joochan’s. Joochan startles, which is embarrassing, but Youngtaek just gives him this look. “I can definitely fill in as a shield, though.”
Jangjun groans, rather loudly, and they get a few looks. Joochan’s nerves are still alight but it’s manageable now; it’s manageable enough that he’s laughing despite the looks and Youngtaek looks a little offended but there’s a smile hidden somewhere in there, Joochan can see it lurking in the corners of his lips.
Maybe there’s something to the mythical land of uni after all.
*
Despite Joochan’s initial reservations, things pick up surprisingly fast. Jangjun was right, he does already know most of them. He’s not sure how he never realized it before. Being in a group of seven is still a little strange but he can hold a decent conversation with almost everyone and it feels nice. At some point the corner table Joochan used to claim as his own becomes their preferred table too, so that’s nice too. Constant exposure makes it easier to look at Youngtaek up close, even though he seems to have a knack for making Joochan flustered at every other word.
All in all, Joochan likes to think he’s making friends. With the cool kids nonetheless. Which is why it really shouldn’t have been that surprising when Jangjun shows up at the café one day, announcing-
“Party!”
It’s met with a chorus of groans and an, It’s the middle of the week, Jangjun from Jaehyun. Joochan is secretly glad he’s not the only one disinterested.
“The weekend,” Jangjun stresses, face scrunched up in mock-offence. “I am an exemplary student, what do you take me for?”
Jibeom gives him a blank look. “The guy that convinced us to go have a picnic at 2AM on the night before most of us had an exam?”
“You’re all no fun,” Jangjun grumbles. He spends a solid minute sulking, before he turns to Joochan, smile plastered on his face again. “You haven’t met the grandpas yet! And Bomin, but he’ll probably not be allowed since there’s gonna be alcohol and I’d rather not be the one to corrupt the child.”
“I’d like to see you call Sungyoon grandpa to his face,” Jaehyun snorts. “And Bomin that he’s not allowed to come.”
The grin on Jangjun’s face is downright evil. “I call Sungyoon things a lot worse than grandpa.”
“And none of us want to know,” Youngtaek interrupts, mildly disgusted. Joochan has a feeling he’s missing something important.
“Whatever, you’re absolutely no fun,” Jangjun repeats with a dramatic sigh. “But Sungyoon and Daeyeol are both free on Saturday so you’re going to have to bring your unfunny butts to my place.”
“I also live there, you know,” Youngtaek points out.
Jangjun shrugs, which is about the only acknowledgement his apparently-roommate gets. He turns to Joochan instead. “You’re coming, right?”
And Joochan… wants to. Between coursework and more coursework he’s barely had a moment to himself and staying home sounds tempting but somehow, for once, being among people sounds a lot better.
“Sure,” he says in the end, and it’s only when the chatter around him picks up again that he notices it had stopped in the first place. Jangjun beams at him.
*
On Saturday, it turns out Jangjun did not, in fact, manage to prevent the Bomin person from coming. In fact, Bomin is there and determined to wreck chaos (his words), even though it doesn’t look like he cares enough to go through with it.
Joochan meets both Sungyoon and Daeyeol too, and promptly decides he’ll never be pretty enough to truly be a part of this friend group (Jaehyun elbows him in the ribs when he dares whisper it out loud).
So the beginning of the afternoon Joochan has. How he ended up in a circle with too many cups in places they shouldn’t be and a bottle in the middle, he has no idea.
What he does know, though, is that the bottle is spinning, and he tried to aim it so it would get to… no one, ideally? Maybe Jaehyun? It would be no less embarrassing but at least they would both be suffering.
The stupid bottle stops just shy of Youngtaek’s foot. It’s not dead center but it’s also not close enough to Jangjun for Joochan to argue it’s him instead. Somehow the thought of kissing Jangjun is much less scary; Jangjun is sweet and pretty and most importantly, funny. He’d probably find a way to laugh off Joochan’s nerves in a way that won’t make him feel hopelessly out of place.
Youngtaek, on the other hand, looks a little too pleased. After all, maybe Jangjun’s winning quality is that while he is pretty, Joochan is not really attracted to him.
Briefly, Joochan considers opting for the punishment instead but considering how Bomin is still trying to think of a way to break it to his parents that his hair will be bleached by the end of the night… The thought of kissing Youngtaek may make an army of angry moths take flight in Joochan’s stomach, but the fear of whatever unnamed punishment they come up being worse ultimately takes over.
“So?” Jaehyun starts, chin propped on his wrists like this Joochan’s internal war is a prime time reality show. “Are you gonna kiss him or shall we think of a punishment?”
Where Youngtaek’s pleased (and now slightly concerned?) expression may be worrying, the look in Jaehyun’s eyes screams unspeakable evils, and Joochan panics.
“Kiss! Uh,” he falters when a few of them cheer. The majority, predictably, look a little disappointed.
“I was looking forward to exact my revenge,” Bomin grumbles.
The thought of kissing Youngtaek momentarily takes second place to sheer indignance. “I wasn’t even the one that came up with it,” Joochan tells Bomin, voice maybe a little betrayed.
Bomin shrugs. “Does it really matter? Whatever, go kiss your boy and let’s get on with it.”
And just like that, whatever he could’ve maybe told Bomin gets lost to your boy. Joochan doesn’t think he’s been that obvious about his interest but then again, it may be wishful thinking again. Or maybe it’s just Bomin being a little shit. For the few hours Joochan has known him, he’s found that Bomin can have quite the unpredictable persona.
He doesn’t dare meet anyone's eyes, least of all Youngtaek's, as he gets up and walks over to him. That's what Joochan blames when instead of leaning over like someone with his dignity still intact, Joochan stumbles on someone's discarded beer bottle and falls right on top of Youngtaek. There's a chorus of laughter and now Joochan feels like maybe the ground should swallow him whole. Youngtaek, bless his heart, doesn’t laugh along. Instead, he rearranges Joochan's limbs into a less awkward position, like Joochan weighs nothing at all, and suddenly the fire in his gut isn’t born out of embarrassment alone.
Because they’re all squished together to make the circle; there are forgotten cups and stray bottles everywhere and the less awkward position means Joochan is seated right in Youngtaek’s lap, Youngtaek’s pretty eyes watching him from way too close.
“I already regret this,” Daeyeol mutters but Joochan barely registers it.
He registers the seconds, though. He doesn’t have a clock but each new second rings like a church bell inside him. Each new second that passes without him doing the normal thing, smashing his mouth against Youngtaek’s, laughing it off, getting back to his seat, letting the next person spin. Instead, all Joochan can do is stare: at Youngtaek’s cheekbones, at his lips, sometimes at his eyes but those Joochan can handle only as glances. They’re too close.
Youngtaek’s arms wrap around his waist, to steady him? But they’re on the floor. Joochan isn’t in danger of falling off.
“You don’t have to do this,” Youngtaek says softly, voice meant for Joochan only. He’s so close that his words fan across Joochan’s lips and he can’t help but suck in a breath. Youngtaek’s fingers tighten in his shirt, just a fraction. “I’ll make sure there are no consequences. Only if you want to.”
There’s an impatient huff somewhere behind them but Joochan doesn’t care. He made the mistake of looking for a moment too long and now he can’t look away, like Youngtaek’s eyes like a prison.
“I want to,” he breathes, even softer. The kiss, not the consequences, his brain supplies unhelpfully but Youngtaek seems to get it either way. Between one blink and the next, they’re kissing and by the third, Joochan has given up trying to keep his eyes open.
Youngtaek kisses like he has something to prove, hard and all-consuming and like nothing Joochan has felt before. For a few blissful seconds, Joochan forgets about everything - his nervousness, his embarrassment, everyone else in the room.
For a few blissful seconds, it’s great.
“Get a room, oh my god.” Jangjun’s voice successfully breaks the magic and Joochan startles, breaks the kiss even though Youngtaek’s arms don’t let him move too far. A quick glance in Jangjun’s direction tells him he’s more amused than actually disgusted, which is somewhat relieving until the reality of eight other people being in the room with them crashes over Joochan’s poor, kissed-silly brain.
He wants to get away but at the same time he really doesn’t, so he does the next best thing: presses closer, buries his face in the collar of Youngtaek’s sweatshirt (when did his hands end up around Youngtaek’s neck?). There are a few more exasperated sighs. When Youngtaek’s voice rumbles through his chest, Joochan feels the words more than he hears them.
“You know what, we just might.”
Wait, what?
Within seconds, Joochan finds himself manhandled again, Youngtaek’s hands holding him by the hips now and a lot higher. He squeaks, eyes flying open but doesn’t attempt to get himself free out of fear of toppling both of them. That would be a mess.
Well, that and he doesn’t really want to get away.
He spares a glance over Youngtaek’s shoulder as they’re moving away and finds - a whole lot of unsurprised expressions? He feels like there was more fake-gasping when Jangjun climbed into Sungyoon’s lap and made out with him for a solid minute, even though the bottle was technically pointing at Sungmin. Daeyeol is the only one that looks vaguely scandalized but he wasn’t all that thrilled with the game to begin with, so Joochan is willing to count him out.
Youngtaek only lets him down when there’s a door closing behind them and Joochan stumbles back on the bed he’s been placed on, catching himself on his arms.
“Sorry,” Youngtaek says but his expression is conflicted, eyes flicking down every so often. Joochan follows his line of sight to find his sweater all bunched up from the carrying and hurries to tug it down, willing away the blush he knows is taking control of his face right about now.
But then again-
“Isn’t this making things a little too obvious?” Joochan glances at the door and Youngtaek seems to snap out of it, then quickly, loudly flicks the lock.
“What things?”
“The things we’re...” Which is the exact moment Joochan notices the quirk of Youngtaek’s eyebrow, the amused tilt of his lips. It’s a perfect moment to shut the fuck up, Joochan decides. It was a perfect moment ten minutes ago, too.
Youngtaek looks downright gleeful now. “And what exactly do you think we’re going to do?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Joochan rushes out all in one breath. Some distant part of his brain registers that none of the words sound malicious but it doesn’t matter. Youngtaek is pretty and popular and funny and Joochan is neither, how could he have come up with that? The room is suddenly too small and the door is locked and how did he even think this may end well-
“Hey,” Youngtaek’s voice rings through the haze, gentle, not a hint of laughter in it. The lock clicks again. Joochan manages to look up and Youngtaek’s eyes are as gentle as his voice. He’s smiling, albeit a bit tentatively. “Would you mind if I came closer?”
Joochan shakes his head but he’s shaking all over and he’s not entirely sure it shows. A moment later, the bed dips next to him and Youngtaek’s hand reaches for Joochan’s, holds it like it’s something precious.
“I wanna do all the things with you,” Youngtaek starts, hesitant, maybe a little embarrassed? But it can’t be, in all the times they’ve existed in the same space, Youngtaek has only been weirdly confident or just neutral. Never embarrassed. But he laughs, and it’s choppy and self-conscious in a way Joochan knows all too well. Maybe Youngtaek can be embarrassed, after all. “I wanna… I wanna do so many things to you, god. But I wanna...” he trails off.
Joochan can feel his silly little heart trying to beat its way into his throat. “You wanna what?”
Youngtaek squeezes his hand, briefly, before he lets go altogether. Joochan misses the warmth but it’s a fair trade, because now Youngtaek is looking at him and Joochan can’t look away, just like back in the game.
“I really want to take you out first? I don’t know, maybe do cheesy stuff Jangjun would make fun of me for later. I wanna kiss you without having a game be the excuse.”
Each word makes something warm unfurl in Joochan’s gut and the anxiety may not be fully gone yet, he finally allows himself to reach out for Youngtaek instead.
Still, he can’t help but ask. “Why me?”
“Why-” Youngtaek cuts himself off, then narrows his eyes. “For the record, I think this is a ridiculous question because you’re amazing. But… I don’t know?” He falters and Joochan’s heart sinks a little but Youngtaek only squeezes his hand tighter. “I could tell you it’s because you’re pretty, or because the entire music program is whispering about how good you are or your voice? And you’re so smart, too. But the truth is,” Youngtaek pauses, tugs Joochan a little closer. “The truth is while they are all accurate, you’ve been all I could think about ever since Jangjun first introduced us and I have absolutely no idea why.”
It’s Joochan that edges closer this time but once again, it’s Youngtaek that leans in. This kiss is nothing like the previous one, even if it still makes Joochan lose track of the world beyond Youngtaek’s lips.
When they finally break apart, what feels like an eternity later, Joochan laughs, quiet and breathy. “Who knew I’m into someone so eloquent. All I can think of is that you make my heart do weird things.”
“Good thing well-spoken was never on that list,” Youngtaek says solemnly. It earns him a slap which only makes grin, pull Joochan into a hug, head tucked under his chin. “That’s more than enough, though.”
In Youngtaek’s sweatshirt, Joochan mumbles, “You’re also really fucking hot.”
Youngtaek’s laughter rumbles through his chest and Joochan hides a smile in his sweatshirt, too. It’s truly an amazing feeling.