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Our coming of age has come and gone- suddenly this summer it's clear…
Marinette was in love with Chat Noir.
It was a fact, a fact that made her cheeks glow and her heart race, a fact that she hadn’t been made aware of until a few minutes ago. A fact that she absolutely detested.
It had taken some kindness from Chat, a dream, and some pointed words from Tikki. That’s it- that’s all it had taken for her to realize she was hopelessly, desperately in love with the cat.
And it had taken her another thirty seconds to realize exactly why that couldn’t work.
I never had the courage in my convictions as long as danger is near…
She was lucky, really; while Alya had been living with her since her breakup with Nino, she was out for the time being, buying groceries for the two of them. If Alya had been around, she surely would’ve realized something was wrong.
She didn’t have to hide her pain now.
Because she loved Chat with everything in her- really, she always had. Her love for him had always been overshadowed by her love for Adrien, but she had an inkling that Adrien’s breakup with Kagami had something to do with her realizing with her feelings. Part of her had been waiting, hiding and hoping that somehow, Adrien would come back to her. But when the breakup happened, those feelings didn’t resurface.
Instead, now all she could see was Chat- Chat, and his warm smile, his soft hair, his sweet laugh, his teasing eyes...
She could see the outcome of their relationship, too. She could see the ruined Paris, the icy blue eyes and the snow-white suit, the contents of nightmares she’d been trying to ignore.
She loved him, but she could never have him.
And it's just around the corner, darlin', 'cause it lives in me.
She knew, from the little she’d heard in that timeline, that their love had destroyed the world. She knew that they’d destroyed each other. They were more literally broken than Alya and Nino had been- Marinette had driven Chat Noir to the point of akumatization .
She wasn’t safe for him.
But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come.
Still, her heart was a traitor, filled with hope she didn’t deserve and couldn’t handle. It could be different this time, maybe. She could protect him, warn him about the dangers of being akumatized. She knew the future- she could protect him from it.
Or they could wait- she could hold it together until Hawkmoth was gone, defeated, and they’d never have to worry about Chat Blanc. They could just love each other and be happy once Hawkmoth’s jewel was safe in the miracle box.
But who knew how long that could be? They’d been fighting him for years and had only gained weariness and frustration- their leads had led to dead ends, and they were back where they had started when she was thirteen.
All these people think love's for show, but I would die for you in secret…
No, they’d have to wait. She loved him, and she loved him enough to keep him safe from that horrible icy-blue fate she’d seen all those years ago, even if it meant staying silent on her love for him.
But it seemed like it was getting harder by the second. The feeling was bursting through her heart, pulsing through her veins, settling in her bones. It wanted to be sung, to be screamed, to be whispered in her Kitty’s ear under the starlight…
She couldn’t, though. This passion would tear her apart and she’d stay silent on it- she’d let her heart die over and over again and she’d smile through it if it meant she never had to see those icy blue eyes again. If it meant her Kitty would never go mad with cold isolation again, she’d do anything .
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?
Her throat felt thick as she thought back to their recent battles. She’d barely been able to watch him die, become injured, or disappear then- just how was she expected to stand by and watch it happen now?
She swallowed thickly. Maybe she was getting a taste of why Chat had jumped in front of her all those times.
She didn’t like it.
Your integrity makes me seem small…
Sighing, she stood from her workbench. She’d never get anything done now , not with her silly kitty’s face plastered in her mind like wallpaper, not with dangerous thoughts of kissing him filling her traitor head.
She walked carefully over to her bed, sitting down there instead. She was tired- maybe with a nap, her dazed daydreams would disappear, and she’d be able to think more clearly about the situation at hand.
Her face flamed when she thought of her last dream of kissing Chat Noir. Clearly that option was out of the picture.
She groaned loudly, giving her pillow a firm punch. He was just… too good for her. Even if they did defeat Hawkmoth in a timely manner, would he still want her? Would she, in good conscience, be able to date- to love - a boy as pure as Chat? He was… just so incredible. He was kind, thoughtful, vulnerable- so much she couldn’t afford to be.
You paint dreamscapes on the wall.
He brought Paris joy. While she saved them, and she restored them, he was the one who gave them life. He was the one who attended events and comforted victims- she had regularly seen him engaged in snowball fights with the children of Paris, and he’d made the city fall in love with him through everything he did.
Ladybug could never do that, no matter how hard she tried.
It's like I'm wastin' your honor...
And she was broken. She had been smashed against the rocks of a harbor she had tried to make port at, and she was still in scattered pieces. She was hurting and she was stressed, and if Chat knew who she really was…
He wouldn’t want her.
And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches…
But maybe… He’d seen her break down. He’d stood with her as she’d fought enemies, inside and out, and he’d professed that he’d love her no matter who she was. They’d fought Hawkmoth together- they were the only two people who could understand that pain. Maybe he’d love her anyway, despite her pain and her flaws and her shattered being.
Maybe he’d help her put herself together again.
Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other…
Maybe he’d want to help her, to stay by her side as she fixed herself. She didn’t have much to give him but her love- but god, she did love him. It seemed foreign to her that she hadn’t known this half an hour ago- now, the fact was ingrained in her. She loved that man.
She could give him love. Understanding, hopefully. Partnership. Cookies. She loved him, but was it enough?
But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me…
She’d give him everything she could, but she couldn’t help the fact that loving her wasn’t easy. She couldn’t change that she was a tempest, fueled by fear and pain and anger and heartbreak, and that to love her would be to try and stay in the eye of her storm. She couldn’t change the fact that she wasn’t as inherently good as he was, that she made missteps and mistakes with her jealousy and anger. She was working on it, but she couldn’t change that it had happened. She felt like she was falling, sometimes- into the pit of her mistakes and into problems she couldn’t solve.
If Chat thought of her as perfect, what would he think when he saw her now?
But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come…
A nagging thought in the back of her head stopped her from falling down that spiral. He had fallen in love with her after seeing her fail, after seeing her get back up again stronger and fiercer. He didn’t love her for the calm she put on as Marinette- he loved her for the fire she was as Ladybug, the fire she worked so hard to conceal. He loved her for what she had to hide.
All these people think love's for show but I would die for you in secret…
He loved her for what she had to hide, and she loved him for everything she knew about him- the kindness, the warmth, the laughter, the lightheartedness. She loved him for his sweet smile, his endless support, his poutiness, everything . She didn’t care- she loved it.
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?
Marinette knew loving him would never be easy. They were fighters, and unknown foes could attack them from all sides- let it be an akuma, another villain, or something else. But at least they’d be together. Loving him wouldn’t be peaceful- it wouldn’t be the three-kids-and-a-hamster dream she’d had so long ago. But it would be lovely, and fierce, and they’d be happy.
And that was all Marinette needed.
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?