Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A timid rain was already starting to fall when Seokjin parked around the corner from the restaurant. He stepped out of his car and immediately buried as much of his face as he could in his scarf, while he also put his cold hands in his pockets. He walked towards the door, exposed to the drops that were threatening to mess up his perfectly styled hair. When he finally reached the entrance the man stared confused at the sky before entering the building.

Once inside he sighed, relieved at the warmth of the place that was now giving him a pleasant feeling of comfort and happiness, once the cold and wetness outside had been finally defeated. He rubbed his hands together to warm them up before the waiter came to him asking if she could help.

At that moment he saw Hoseok waving at him from a corner of the large room and Seokjin simply pointed at him and told her he was here for his friend’s birthday dinner.

Once he reached their table Hoseok got closer to him and hugged him tightly “I’m so happy you managed to come!”

They were both smiling widely as they detached from their hug and Seokjin put a hand on the other’s shoulder before talking.

“Of course I came! I don’t have my present with me because I’m still working on it and I need your opinion before finishing it. Will you come to the atelier next week?”

Hoseok’s eyes were practically sparkling at the mention of Jin’s atelier. At that point it was obvious the present was one of his creations and the boy absolutely loved Seokjin’s clothes, loved his style and his technique. He hugged his friend again before jumping around for some seconds, practically yelling that he was absolutely excited and would have come to the atelier as soon as possible.

Jin was endeared at his friend’s excitement and felt proud about his choice for his birthday present.

They sat at the table and Jin greeted the people he already knew from Hoseok’s group of friends, while the latter introduced him to the ones he didn’t know. He sat down near Jimin, one of Hoseok’s colleagues from his dance studio. He knew him from all the times they had come to his atelier to choose the clothes for their dance recitals.

He had also met Hoseok like this the first time. He had seen some of his pieces in some boutiques all around the city. He had immediately liked his style and had got curious about how he worked. They had met at Jin’s atelier after that and Hobi had asked him to design some garments for him. Even if he wasn’t actually a dance clothes designer, he had absolutely liked the other’s personality from the start and had decided to give it a shot. He usually designed men's suits or other men’s clothing to sell in selected shops, plus unique pieces and gender-neutral clothes, but he hadn’t been able to reject his new friend’s request.

They had been working together for almost two years now, and were also really good friends, and Hoseok absolutely adored the fact that he was the only one in the whole city with the privilege to have Jin’s clothes for his recitals.

The table was now almost full, only two spots were left empty. The group was not so big, just ten people, but Hobi had decided that at the ‘ripe old age’ of twenty-seven he didn’t want anything big for his birthday, just his close friends and good wine. They could go to the club some other day, for this time he just wanted to relax.

Jin had immediately liked that idea: he was really busy with work all the time and absolutely wouldn’t have felt like dancing and sweating in a crowded place at the moment. He was glad Hoseok had chosen a simple dinner as a celebration for his birthday.

“Oh, you’re here! How are you?”

Hobi squealed, after spotting the last guests at the entrance and smiling at them. Jin had turned around at Hobi’s loud words to look at the couple approaching them.

The girl was very pretty, her dark, long hair fluttered as she walked. Her sparkling dangling earrings matched with her necklace and she was elegantly dressed. She was looking at the guy beside her with a small smile.

The boy was very tall, his hair was brown and neatly brushed in a way that left his forehead exposed. His big smile, so bright compared to the girl’s one, created dimples on his cheeks and his eyes were almost closed. He was wearing a long, dark-green coat and a black turtleneck. Seokjin liked what he was wearing, he thought it really suited him.

“Guys, this is Namjoon, we have been friends since we were kids, and this is Soobin, his girlfriend!”

Hoseok introduced the last guests as they took a seat right in front of Seokjin and Jimin, while Hobi was at the head of the table.

As soon as Namjoon had started taking off his coat, Jin had noticed how his eyes had immediately laid on him. His movements had halted for a split second, a barely noticeable moment of stop, before his glance had returned to his girlfriend.

They sat down and everybody started talking with each other quietly, a slightly louder laughter from Hoseok or another guest standing out between the smooth conversation from time to time. Jin mostly talked to Jimin or Hoseok’s sister, who was seated beside him, but he found himself more than once glancing at Namjoon, to find him either talking to their mutual friend, or looking back at him.

He wasn’t exactly staring, it was more like he was curiously observing. For example, he was the only one who had noticed when Jin had tried to reach the water bottle, that was a little far from his side of the table, by stretching a little towards it. He was going to stand up to take it, but Namjoon had preceded him by grabbing it and handing it to him with a kind smile. Seokjin had thanked him with a nod at that, and he could swear he had felt his cheeks blushing pink.

He asked himself why he had never met Namjoon in his years of friendship with Hobi.

“Jimin, Seokjin hyung told me he is giving me one of his unique pieces for my birthday, I’m so excited!” Hoseok told the boy while they were eating. Namjoon had immediately turned towards his front.

They hadn’t introduced themselves properly yet, so he didn’t know Jin’s name, but he immediately understood Hobi was talking about him when almost everybody on the table had turned to him.

“I never said it’s a unique piece, though…” Seokjin teased, and his friend gasped.

“It’s always a unique piece! All your clothes are beautiful, anyway…”

Hoseok always showered him with compliments about his creations and that made Jin shy and proud at the same time. He smiled gratefully and turned to Soobin as she started speaking.

“You are a fashion designer?” she seemed happily surprised.

“Yeah, I have been running my own small firm for five years now”

She immediately started asking more about his work and where she could find his clothes. She was really kind and she was also seriously interested in knowing more about Jin’s job, but Seokjin had, at some point, had to embarrassingly acknowledge to himself that he wasn’t able to focus entirely on her while her boyfriend was looking at him like that.

He couldn’t avoid his gaze, so he found himself detaching his eyes from Soobin every once in a while to meet Namjoon’s piercing ones. His look wasn’t making him uncomfortable, but that still curious glint in it made him so warm he was afraid his ears where a bright shade of red by the time the topic changed, and he wasn’t the centre of attention anymore. That at least for Soobin and the other guests, because Namjoon was still looking shamelessly at him.

Seokjin, at some point, had seriously started to assume he was imagining things. He couldn’t be possibly blatantly staring at him while his girlfriend was sitting right beside him, right? But still… He smiled at him when he made a stupid joke to tease Hoseok, he supported him when he expressed a negative opinion about the way too sweet dessert. He never directly talked to him, never asked him anything, but listened to what he said all night, always vigilant whenever he moved.

And Jin felt like he could actually combust any time at how giddy that made him feel, but he forced himself to stay calm and watch his restlessness. Namjoon had a girlfriend and they didn’t even know each other, so he seriously needed to calm down.

When it was time for them to say goodbye and they all got up to leave it was late. He had had a lot of fun, actually, and Hoseok thanked them all for their friendship and company. He was happy and Seokjin was glad his friend had enjoyed his little party.

They hugged, then Seokjin moved to shake hands or wave at the other guests. When he reached Soobin and Namjoon the girl hugged him briefly but warmly, while the man took his hand.

“It’s been a pleasure, Seokjin” he simply said, his voice sure. His hand was warm, almost hot, and big. It seemed to fit perfectly around Jin’s slender one, but the latter fastly brushed the thought off his mind because he wasn't like that. He wasn’t one to think about taken guys like that.

“Ehm, it’s been a pleasure for me too. I hope to see you again soon!”

His eyes widened when he realized what he had probably just said too much, and with a little too much excitement too, and he immediately retracted his hand. He didn’t like to embarass himself but he had just done it by saying stupid stuff to a handsome guy he had barely just met.

He felt like a clumsy teenager all of a sudden and decided it was time to leave.

As he walked to his car he noticed the rain had already stopped falling but the street was still wet. He put his hands in his pockets again while trying to avoid the puddles on the way to his car, but when before entering the restaurant he had felt his body shivering, he now noticed with pleasure that he was feeling a lot less cold. His coat suddenly didn’t feel that light anymore and his scarf was enough to make him feel comfortably warm.

When he arrived home and stepped into his apartment, the first things he noticed were the faint light and sounds coming from the television and the clear and loud noise of people kissing. Roughly, even.

Jin sighed and turned on the light of the living room before taking off his shoes. At that the noises stopped and he heard his brother giggling. He then shook his head while taking off his coat before heading to the living room.

“Hyung! I didn’t know you would come home this early!” Taehyung said from Jungkook’s lap, both hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders and cheek on his forehead.

Seokjin rolled his eyes and plopped down on the couch near the two boys “First of all, it is 1 am and, anyways, I already told you like a million times to not make out in our damn living room. You have a room, for fuck’s sake!”

Jungkook, who was holding his boyfriend’s thighs to keep him in place, laughed while Taehyung whined “I’m sorry, hyungie!”

Seokjin squinted his eyes and crossed his arms on his chest, but immediately brushed his fake annoyance off when his brother talked again.

“How’s the dinner been? Did you have fun?”

Jin’s eyes widened slightly. He didn’t know why that question was making him gulp and look around embarrassed. It was just a simple question about his night, but he couldn’t help thinking about the man he had met while trying to come up with an equally simple answer. It was like he was the only thing that he could remember about that dinner and that made him feel so stupid.

“Ehm...fun, we had fun! Hobi was really excited when I told him about the garment I’m making for him”

He tried to look as relaxed as possible while talking, but he was sure he hadn’t been able to stop the red that covered his ears.

Jungkook squinted his eyes just like Jin had done before and looked at Taehyung before snorting.

“Something definitely happened” he said.

“Nothing happened! We had fun and I am just a little tired, nothing more...” he didn’t dare look at the boys, but they knew him too well and he knew he would be caught in the span of some seconds.

“That’s not true, hyung! Are you okay? You can talk with us, if you want”

Taehyung had now squirmed in Jungkook’s hold to face his brother, a hand squeezing tightly one of his, eyes and tone gentle and worried.

Jin sighed again before squeezing Taehyung’s hand back and smiling at him. He knew he wouldn’t have been able to hide from neither of them his thoughts. Sometimes he would have wanted to have some sort of privacy, especially when it came to this kind of topic, but he was an open book for the younger, and Jungkook had learned to read him too through the years.

They weren’t exactly nosy, nor did they make him uncomfortable. He was glad the boys worried and took care of him, he loved and appreciated them both for that, but right now he felt slightly embarrassed at the thought of telling them he found attractive a straight, taken man.

“Well, I...met someone…”

He had already mentally prepared himself to be interrupted by his squeaking brother, and that was exactly what happened.

“Hyungie! Who is he? Is he handsome?”

“Tae, baby, let him talk…” Jungkook tried to calm him down with a chuckle.

“Thank you, Kook” he covered his face and explained “He is really handsome actually, but, before you can say anything, he also has a girlfriend, so…”

His brother’s initial enthusiasm shut down the moment he told him about Namjoon and his girlfriend. He also told him how he had glanced at him every once in a while the whole night, and how he had been absolutely kind and polite. But still, Taehyung had crossed his arms, and he had also put on his signature pout for when he was extremely upset and didn’t plan to take it away anytime soon. Jungkook was also staring at him, frowning a little.

“Were he and his girlfriend close? Like touchy and all that?” Jungkook asked.

“If you’re asking me if they were all over each other like you two always are, well, no. But, you know, they are adults, and it is actually you and Taehyung who are excessively clingy…” Jin said. He was joking but his brother lightly slapped his arm anyway.

“We are not excessively clingy! We are in love!” he said, now frowning deeper.

“Yeah, we are” Jungkook smiled dumbly at the boy, hugging him tightly “But I was asking this for a reason. I thought that maybe, if his attention was so focused on you it’s because they have problems… Maybe they are in a sort of crisis, I don’t know…”

“Or maybe he is an asshole” Taehyung retorted, bitterly.

“He didn’t seem like that, though…” Seokjin said. He really didn’t feel like the man he had met could be one to cheat or flirt with someone while he had a girlfriend, but it was also true that he had felt his eyes on him the whole night.

“But, even if it’s like Jungkook said I don’t care, he is still taken. And I absolutely don’t want to meddle in a relationship!” he shook his hands and head “Besides, I don’t know why we are having this conversation, I don’t even know him! We exchanged yes and no three words with each other…”

“Yes, but, from what you are telling us, there clearly was sexual tension between you two...”

“Tae! Oh my god, I’m leaving. This conversation is over” he stood up between the laughs of the boys, but turned around before entering the corridor, suddenly remembering something “Wait, you’re staying over tonight, Kook?”

The younger two nodded in unison and Taehyung spoke “Yes, tomorrow is our turn for the sunday lunch, but it’s just the three of us this time”

Jin stood in the centre of the living room for a moment, thinking about what they had in the fridge and if it was enough to prepare lunch the day after. Since Jin and Taehyung, and Jungkook’s family were very close, some years ago they had started spending every sunday lunch together, one weekend at their house and one at Kook’s. Jin liked having lunch all together, feel the warmth of a big family like Jungkook’s. It made him feel protected and taken care of, even if only for some hours. Usually it was them plus Kook’s parents, sometimes also his older brother and sister, but this sunday it would be just the three of them.

After some seconds of thinking he decided he would be able to cook something somehow, so he just turned around, yawned and waved, before disappearing in the corridor.

Once in front of his room he yelled “Go to bed and be quiet, please! I’ve run out of earplugs, you brats…” and disappeared inside.

They spent their sunday in the quietness of their house. The boys were twenty-one while Jin was twenty-eight, so they were a lot younger than him, but he had always felt happy with them anyway, even if sometimes he tried to fake annoyance at their behaviour. They were loud and they teased him all the time, but they were his family nonetheless.

Yes, ‘family’, also Jungkook.

Tae was his brother, but he and Jungkook had been best friends since they were ten years old, so he knew him well. He had seen the two grow up together, he had experienced any skinned knees, any good and bad grades at school, he had been the object of all of their pranks.

He had also sat with Jungkook outside their school when Taehyung had gone with one of their classmates to grab ice cream on Valentine’s Day, he had hugged his crying brother when he had understood he was in love with his best friend, and was scared to ruin everything between them. He had seen them coming to him hand in hand years ago to tell him they were finally together.

Jungkook had been there through almost all of Taehyung’s life, he was essential for him, and Jin loved him too like a part of his world, he was grateful for his presence in their life.

He and his brother had been alone since Seokjin was twelve and they had been living together, just the two of them, for almost seven years now, and that’s why he was always happy to be around Jungkook and his family, it made him feel embraced, cozy and giddy.

It wasn’t until two weeks later that he was finally able to meet with Hoseok at his atelier. The latter had been busy with the dance studio and he had told Seokjin that he wanted to see his suit when he had plenty of time, in order to choose the best design and be able to fix any detail.

Jin greeted his friend with a smile when one of his co-designers accompanied him in the room where he was rummaging through his drawings to find the designs he had sketched.

The garment he had designed was actually quite particular, but he had supposed Hobi would have liked it anyway since his style was unique and colorful. Moreover, he could also have used it for one of his performances. Hoseok loved wearing unusual clothes for his dances.

When he came inside the room and saw the dress on the mannequin he gasped, excited and mesmerized at the once-piece suite. The colour and the material were yet to be decided, but the model was almost finished and the style evident: the garment would result tight, the V-neckline deep and the upper part of the suit would be double-breasted.

Hoseok liked Jin’s idea very much and they immediately started looking for the proper material. They were looking for something as unique as the garment for the texture and the colour.

Jin was flipping through some fabric samples to find some ideas when his friend spoke.

“You know, one of my friends from the other night asked me about you...What do you think about this?” he said mindlessly, showing him a photograph from a catalogue.

Jin shaked his head with a grimace looking at the green, floral, silk shirt he was showing him, then focused on the first part of the sentence and stopped his flipping through the samples. Somehow he felt like he didn’t need to ask to know who the person who had asked about him was, but he didn’t want to sound too self-confident or even one to brag, so he asked anyway.

“Who?”

“Namjoon. do you remember? He is an old friend of mine…”

He didn’t know why but he suddenly felt his chest tighten at the confirmation of his suspects. He bit his lip and tried to sound unbothered by Hobi’s words, but the texture choice was now long forgotten and his movements distracted. He was looking down but his attention was completely on his friend when he continued.

“He asked me where we met and how long we have known each other” he looked up at the older under his eyelids at that, curious to catch his friend’s reaction.

Jin only hummed and showed his friend a piece of cloth. Hoseok smiled at the dark-purple, velvet material, took it from his friend’s hands and stood up to put it beside the mannequin to see if it could fit.

Seokjin stood up too and looked at the cloth on the mannequin, while his friend glanced at him with one eye. When he noticed his attention on him he straightened up.

“What?”

“He said you are really interesting” Hobi wiggled his eyebrows at that and Jin’s cheeks and ears blushed of a bright red.

“Hobi! He has a girlfriend! Even if he said that it was probably a simple compliment…”

He was trying to hide and deny how much that ‘simple compliment’ was making him feel giddy all of a sudden.

“Oh, so you remember him…” Hoseok was teasing again, but Jin was fast to shush him with a serious glare.

“Well, for your information, he has not a girlfriend anymore”

Jin looked at him again surprised, almost shocked. He opened his mouth to say something, but he was confused at the situation, so he just stood there, looking everywhere but at his friend, trying to find something to say that wouldn’t show too much what he had felt that night looking at Namjoon, what he had felt seeing him smile at him. He didn’t want Hobi to know he hadn’t stopped thinking about his kind eyes and firm handshake since that dinner.

“They broke up? But...they seemed fine that night…” he couldn’t help the comment to escape his lips and that made the younger chuckle. Could it be possible that what Jungkook had supposed was true?

“Well, yes, they were okay, but it’s a little more complicated than this…” he was examining the sample in his hands “I don’t want to talk about their problems too much because it is not my place to do it, but what I can say is that Namjoon has worked abroad for longer than a year with his ex university professor, while she stayed in Seoul. He came back like three months ago, but the long distance hasn’t been good for their relationship, so…”

Jin nodded in understanding and scratched his neck.

“Do you like it? I think it would be really cool with the style of the one-piece suit, it would make a good match” he asked, referring to the material they were both looking at.

“Yeah, I really like it. I also like the colour...I already know it will be beautiful if it’s you who created it” Hobi smiled at his friend putting a hand around his broad shoulders.

They decided to use the velvet material for the suit and, after choosing, they asked Jin’s assistant for a tea and seated on the stools near to the workbench.

“What do you think about him?”

“About who?” Jin was playing dumb because he was scared to say something inappropriate if they started to talk about the man from that night.

“Namjoon!” Hoseok didn’t need the other to speak in order to understand he was nervous.

“Oh, I-I don't really know, he didn’t talk that much about himself, he mostly listened?” he sipped from his tea after answering, all the while trying to cover his embarrassment.

“Mhm, that’s true…” the other shrugged “He’s not always like that, though...I suppose that night he was busy capturing everything he could about you”

“Stop it!” Seokjin pushed him playfully, but he seriously wanted his friend to stop talking like Namjoon had caught a crush for him, because he was sure that was absolutely not the case “Let’s not talk about this anymore, he just got out of a relationship and I’m busy”

At that he stood up and got closer to the mannequin once again “Instead, I was wondering if it would be better to use black buttons or something more flashy, like, silver or something like that…”

His friend took the hint and dismissed the topic with a sigh, before standing up too and reaching his friend.

On a rainy tuesday morning, not so much time after, Jin found himself seated on a table at his brother's university coffee shop, in front of Taehyung and Jungkook.

It happened that sometimes, when the latter stayed at their house for the night, Jin went with them to have breakfast together somewhere before work. Usually they would just sit for some time chatting and laughing about silly things, all the while sipping on their hot drinks.

Seokjin was rolling his eyes at the couple’s cheesiness while drinking, because Jungkook had just wiped some chocolate from the corner of Taehyung’s mouth with his thumb with such a dumb smile on his face, that the older hadn’t been able to hold back himself from throwing a cookie at him. The younger had just groaned at the gesture, before pecking his boyfriend’s lips.

“He is not cheesy, hyung, he is cute!” Taehyung had retorted when he had made fun of the boy.

“It’s funny how, even after all these years of me pointing it out almost every single day, you still refuse to admit how absolutely disgusting you two are…” he scoffed.

They boys gasped offended but, when Taehyung was about to say something else to defend himself and Jungkook, he saw someone behind Jin and pointed at him with his chin before turning towards his boyfriend “Look! There’s professor Kim”

They were now both looking somewhere near the counter of the cafe, and Jin turned around to see who they were talking about. He had actually heard his brother talk about this english literature professor Kim sometimes, so he was now curious to see him himself.

But the moment he turned around just enough to catch a glimpse of him, expecting maybe an old man with glasses and a old-fashioned blazer, the only thing he was able to do was gulp (and mentally slap himself for not wearing his plaid beige coat that always made him look absolutely chic and handsome), because right behind him, asking the man behind the counter for a coffee, there was Namjoon.

He indeed had glasses on, unlike the first time they had met, but he also had beautiful, brown, perfectly-styled hair, dimples around his big smile as he thanked the barista, and an absolutely stunning aura around himself.

At some point he looked at their direction distracted, but his eyes snapped open as he noticed Jin first, and his students second, seated together. He looked happily surprised, actually.

Seokjin immediately turned around again towards the boys and hid his face in his arms, forehead touching the table. The two were waving at their professor now and the older just wanted to bury himself in the depths of earth.

It was not that he wouldn’t have wanted to see him again: he had thought about him all these weeks, unable to take that stupid warm smile of his out of his head, for some equally stupid reason, so he would have liked very much to meet him again. He just didn’t want to meet him today.

Not when he knew he had dark circles around his eyes from all the overtime he was doing at work in that period, not when his hair were still damp from the rain, not when the last time he had said something to him he had only been able to say something dumb, and now he was sure he wouldn’t have been able to do any better now. He just knew he would make a fool of himself again, he just knew it.

Plus, he wasn’t expecting him to be his brother’s professor. He had heard him talking about teaching at the dinner but he was so young he wasn’t expecting him to be teaching at college. He found all this an incredibly unfortunate coincidence.

When he was able to hear low footsteps behind him over the faint sounds of the cafe, he snapped up his head and tried to adjust his hair a bit before someone stopped near their table and his brother spoke.

“Good Morning mr. Kim!” he was smiling widely and so was Namjoon, or, professor Kim.

“Good Morning guys. Good Morning Seokjin hyung, it’s good to see you again” he was looking between the boys around the table, the younger ones now slightly confused.

Jin was staring at Namjoon dumbfounded, but he turned to Taehyung as he spoke again, even more confused than him.

“Mr Kim, do you know my brother?”

“Yes, we…” the stylist was desperately trying to take a grip of himself to answer before the other could, but those piercing and warm eyes were staring at him and it was really difficult “We met at Hoseok’s dinner. I-I told you about it, remember?”

Taehyung squinted his eyes and looked at his brother with a questioning look. He didn’t tell him much about that dinner, apart from…

His eyes snapped open and he squeezed Jungkook’s arm forcefully, all the while babbling incoherently to cover his understanding.

His professor Kim was actually the Namjoon from that night. Namjoon for whom his hyung obviously had a crush.

Jungkook’s face was scrunched up in shock as he too understood what was happening, and he had to cover his laugh in his sleeve as his boyfriend spoke.

“Oh, right! What a coincidence!”

Seokjin wanted to slap them both, but Namjoon spoke again.

“I’m sorry but I just came here to say ‘hi’, I’m actually in a rush” his eyes were still on Seokjin “I hope to see you again soon, Seokjin hyung”

Jin was either dreaming or imagining things at this point because there was no way this guy was for real. He looked so calm, and his words were so direct and clear as he repeated what he himself had said some weeks ago. He was looking at Jin happily, while the latter felt so awkward.

He decided it was time to gather all his almost thirty years and answer properly to the man.

“See you soon!”

At that the man smiled wider at the boys and turned around to leave, glancing at Jin behind his shoulders a couple of times before actually stepping out of the bar.

And Jin’s forehead was now once again on the table, and an angry growl was escaping his lips, because he had waved. He had waved at him like a damn five years old kid. And his smile must have looked so dumb.

“I can’t believe mr. Kim and Namjoon are the same person!” Jungkook seemed euphoric at the irony of the situation.

“Me neither…” Jin mumbled from his spot between his arms.

“We need to go now but, hyung, we need to talk...”

Taehyung had stood up and was pointing at his brother firmly with his finger, but the latter was feeling too awkward for his own sake. He mumbled a muffled ‘okay’, but he was keeping his eyes closed, mind repeating in loop what had just happened.

“Tonight I’m staying at Jungkook’s , I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” he placed a light kiss on his brother’s head before they both headed off with a small laugh.

That day Jin went to work, drew and checked designs all in autopilot. In his head nothing more than that confused moment in the cafe, spent with him blushing and Namjoon smiling.

The night after, at dinner, it was just the two brothers. Tae was munching on his beef when he started speaking.

“Today, after class, mr. Kim stopped me and Jungkookie and asked about you. And he also says ‘hi’... again”

“Oh my god! I can’t believe that guy!” Jin almost threw his chopsticks while speaking. Taehyung jolted surprised.

“Hey you! Do you want to kill me with those or what?”

“I’m sorry, I’m just… Why did he ask about me?” Jin sighed. He couldn’t understand the other man at all. What did he want from him? Why did he ask around about him, but never asked Hoseok for his number if he was that interested in him?

“He is always like that” Taehyung was still eating as he answered.

“Like what?”

“Kind and caring. He always asks how everyone is doing when he arrives at class, always smiles gently. If he is actually your Namjoon from the other other night, then I don’t think he wanted to flirt with you, I just think he was being his usual self. About the staring, well…”

“Hoseok told me he and his girlfriend have broken up”

Seokjin was actually not surprised to hear his brother talk that way about the professor. From the first moment he had laid his eyes on the man he had known he was a good person, if those dimples of his were anything to go by. Always so attentive during all the dinner, always so gentle.

At that point he wasn’t even sure the staring had happened for real. Now he was just feeling like everything Namjoon did had been done out of courtesy, politeness maybe. Taehyung himself was saying that he was kind with everyone, that he was always smiling.

Even then, though, a part of him would have wanted that smile he had shown him to be just for him.

“Really? Wow, it looks like Kookie was right…” he was smirking while looking down at his plate.

“No, he wasn’t. You told me just now that he is kind with everyone”

“Yes, but this is more than kind, hyung. I think he might be actually interested in you”

Jin sighed again and played with his food on the plate. He didn’t want to admit it, but he would be so happy if Namjoon was actually interested in getting to know him. It had been years since the last time he had actually felt his heart beating faster because of someone. It had always been difficult for him to trust people, to dedicate himself to someone, to spend time with them, because his life was so full, his mind already so occupied. He had always met people who were never patient enough, never interested enough, so they just left every time. They left and that always made Seokjin find out he was also not so interested too.

But this time it seemed different. While the other times his mind was barely ever focused on whoever he was dating, always thinking about the new suits that had to be ready for the week after, or about what to give his brother for his birthday, this time his mind was full of nothing but a black turtleneck and a pair of round glasses.

He had thought a whole night about how good Namjoon had looked with those glasses on. And all this was happening without them never even speaking properly with each other.

“Come to the college coffee shop again tomorrow. He was there also yesterday, maybe he will be there tomorrow too”

“To do what, exactly?” Jin was actually tempted to go, but he bit lips nervously and looked at his brother, unsure.

“Just to see if he will come to talk to you. Maybe he won’t, but he could”

At that Jin looked down and Taehyung took his hand. He always did that whenever he wanted his brother to feel that he was there for him, to know that he loved him.

“I think you deserve to be happy, hyung. And I know it’s difficult for you, but maybe you can try and trust people a bit more. Mr. Kim is liked by everyone at college, I think he could be a good starting point for you to just go out with people and have fun, maybe?”

He knew he was right. Seokjin knew he was too hard on himself, he knew his brother was now an adult and his firm was going well, so he didn’t need to overload himself so much anymore. Years ago that had been compulsory, he couldn’t have done it any other way because Taehyung was a teenager and he himself had barely graduated, but now he could allow himself to breathe. He now could allow himself to feel.

So he did, and the day after he found himself seated in the same spot of two days before, Taehyung and Jungkook in front of him and, this time, he was wearing his plaid beige coat.

He was restless, his fidgeting evident and amusing to the boys in front of him. He checked his hair and light make up with his phone every five minutes, he looked around looking for someone he wasn’t even sure would come every five seconds.

His brother was smirking at him because he knew for sure Jin wanted Namjoon to come, wanted to see him and wanted to get to know him. He was just hoping he would have been brave enough to try and let himself go with him.

At some point, when Jin had already started sighing in defeat, convinced the professor wouldn’t have come, Namjoon opened the door of the coffee shop and headed to the counter. Jin didn’t see him, but Jungkook poked his arm as soon as he noticed him coming in.

Jin didn’t turn around, he just took a deep breath and closed his eyes to calm himself. His heartbeat rate had overly increased, and it just got worse when Taehyung and Jungkook left him alone at the table, waving their goodbye with encouraging smiles on their faces. He looked at them and he seemed absolutely frightened.

They had agreed before on leaving him alone if their professor would have shown up, so that it would have been more likely for him to go talk to Jin, if he was really interested in doing so. And, maybe, just maybe, he was really interested, Jin thought, because, after some minutes, he felt someone approaching him. The quick steps coming from behind him stopped beside his table and Namjoon talked.

“I think I really wouldn’t mind our meetings here becoming a routine”

Jin really couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was this man really flirting with him like that? Without even saying hello?

“Ehm...I…” he looked at him, but he wasn’t really sure on how to respond to his bold approach, because it had been so long since the last time he had even tried to flirt.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry, I was kidding!” he was chuckling embarrassed now “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I…”

“No no, it’s okay, it’s just...Maybe it would have been less out of the blue if you had added a ‘good morning’ at the beginning of your sentence”

At that the other laughed loudly and Jin smiled pleased at his own answer. He wasn’t sure if he had sounded rude or not, but the other seemed to have appreciated his sudden and lame joking.

“Yeah, well, good morning. Can I have a seat?” he pointed at the chair in front of him and Seokjin nodded eagerly.

Jin was now finally able to look properly at the man. He immediately noticed how his round glasses made him look older and serious, and that was a beautiful contrast to his words and now smug and amused smile. His hands were holding a big mug of cappuccino and his voice was deep, firm.

“How are you? We didn’t have time to talk much the other day”

“I’m fine and the other day...I think I was just surprised you are my brother’s professor so I wasn’t really able to say anything. At Hoseok’s birthday I heard you talking about your job, but I didn’t think you already taught at college. I mean, you’re so young...” he scratched his neck and took a sip of his tea. Some drops of it had wet the table and he started playing with the liquid with his index finger mindlessly.

Namjoon immediately noticed the small movement and he tried to hide a smile. It seemed like he was always attentive to everything Jin did, ever since their first meeting.

“It’s okay, I was surprised too, and I’m actually not that young. I’m just one year younger than you, hyung!”

“How do you know how old I am?”

“I asked Hoseok. Oh, and I’m also sorry for calling you hyung without even asking, but...Can I?”

Jin shook his head in disbelief at the younger’s words. He was so straightforward with what he said, but that made him also so effortlessly funny to his ears. The way he speaked amused him and he had to cover his laugh with his hand. He was already relaxing himself without even noticing.

“You already did, so yes, of course”

They were both laughing now and that made Jin feel more at ease. He didn’t feel so confident yet, but he knew he was starting to catch up with the man’s energy.

He hadn’t noticed how charismatic the other was at the dinner. He hadn’t talked much at their first meeting and he hadn’t noticed how lively he actually was. He felt happy that Namjoon was feeling comfortable enough with him that he was now able to show this part of his personality to him.

“You don’t really show your age though, your features look so young”

The younger’s eyes were examining Seokjin’s blushing face now, his sculpted jawline, his plump lips, and the older was just able to stare back at him.

“Have you ever read Oscar Wilde?” Namjoon said all of a sudden, leaning back on his chair.

Seokjin blinked, taken aback at the sudden question.

“I think I read something at school” he mumbled, trying to remember something about the writer “Like some poems, maybe, I don’t really remember actually. Ehm... why?”

Namjoon smiled and propped himself on the table, hands clasped in front of him.

“Well, yes, he also wrote poems, but I was now thinking about a book he wrote in the last decade of the 19th century. It’s called ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’. It is about a man who becomes obsessed with preserving his youth. He finds out a painting of him starts aging and rotting because of his sins in his place, and he starts committing more and more of them. He thinks he won’t suffer the consequences of his actions, the he won’t grow old, because the painting will do it in his place, but in the end the remorse for what he did eats him alive and he ends up destroying the painting, and, this way, killing himself”

Jin was listening attentively to Namjoon’s words, captured by his tone of voice and by the passion with which he was explaining the story to him. He immediately understood why his brother appreciated his teaching so much.

“Are you implying I have a painting that ages in my place?” Jin tried to joke again, and that made the man chuckle.

“Well, you could, but no. I’m saying that Dorian was beautiful, but his pride, his desire to be eternal and perfect, his envy towards his painting, his caring for himself only, destroyed him. Don’t you think that’s a great metaphor? A great lesson?”

Jin thought a moment about it and tried to answer properly.

“Yes, it is. Working in my environment often makes me ask myself to what extent beauty is really a virtue. Sometimes I just think it is a burden, especially in a society like ours, where everything you do is measured according to how you look. People judge you if you are beautiful and use that beauty to create your career. People judge you if you are beautiful and work in an entirely different field. And that’s not fair because you can’t really decide to look a certain way or another when you’re born”

He looked down, slightly embarrassed at the sudden turning of the conversation. He liked talking to Namjoon, he was interested in knowing what he was thinking, and the other looked equally focused on the older’s words. He had his eyes in his, inspecting, digging, seeking. He smiled, completely captured by his thoughts, by his words.

“I’m sorry about suddenly bringing up this topic, I’m an english literature professor and I love my job, maybe too much sometimes... And, when books and words come up in my mind, I start talking like on autopilot” he cleared his throat “I think I thought about Dorian Gray when we mentioned age and stuff because, since the first time I saw you, I’m not gonna lie now, I just thought you were beautiful. At the same time, though, it looks like you don’t know it or you don’t care about it? I don’t know, I just wanted to hear what you thought about beauty before telling you how handsome I think you are. You didn’t seem like someone who would have appreciated a simple and sudden comment about your appearance from someone you don’t even know. Just by barely hearing you exchange some words with the others that night made me think that you are also worth so many more and different praises”

Jin was frozen, his wide eyes slightly watery at the words. His mouth was almost dry and he tried to seek comfort in his tea, which was, now, cold. He was looking for something to say, but before he could Namjoon shocked him once and for all.

“I’m sorry, again, I just wanted to get this off my chest before we could really get to know each other. I’m a hundred percent sure you are so much more, but I think it would be a crime to not acknowledge how absolutely gorgeous you look”

He had managed to get Jin’s years red in the span of some minutes, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel awkward about that. How could he not feel flustered when the other had complimented him so much, in so many ways, all that in such a short time?

He hadn’t been able to say much more after that, especially because Namjoon had received a call and had told him he needed to meet with one of his colleagues to solve some problems.

Before saying goodbye, though, they had exchanged phone numbers and the younger had told him he wanted to meet up with him again. Seokjin had just been able to nod and smile, still extremely flustered but so, so warm.

He was so dumbfounded when he left the coffee shop that he almost tripped and fell in a big puddle. He hadn’t been able to feel embarrassed anyway, he had just laughed at himself and had continued walking.

Namjoon had texted him that same day, almost an hour after they had said goodbye. He had openly texted him that he had had to hold back himself to not call or send a message the moment he had left the cafe. Seokjin had smiled like a fool at the phone screen at that, ignoring the staring and amused glances of his coworkers.

He understood it had to be quite strange for them to see him like this. He had started his own firm almost five years ago, and since that moment he had only had occasional dates with random men he had just accepted the invitations because he needed a distraction.

He loved what he did, he loved being able to design his own clothes, he had put so much effort in becoming a stylist. He had studied for years, worked overnight to prepare his exams, all the while working as an apprentice in a small firm. He had spent entire weekends drawing, sewing. When he graduated he had already stored so many designs he would have been able to create at least five complete collections.

His job occupied his mind 24/7 and, on top of all that, seven years ago, he had decided to also take care of Taehyung. All the free time he managed to get he spent it with his brother, whom he loved and wanted to take care of, also because he was the only one who could do it.

He had never fallen in love in his whole life. He had had a boyfriend once after college, but they had stayed together for like one year before he had eventually dumped him because Jin, in all that time, hadn’t even been able to introduce him to Taehyung. He was still so young and he hadn’t wanted to force someone into his life that way, so he had just let him go.

From that moment he had just focused on other things, allowing himself just some fleeting moments with some random people every once in a while.

It’s been some years now that Taehyung was trying to convince him to finally allow people in his life, especially since he had gotten with Jungkook, but Jin always brushed the topic off, claiming he didn’t have time.

Well, he actually didn’t have much time, but he was also scared that whoever he would have met would never accept his way of living, his choices.

The moment he had met Namjoon, though, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the fact that he would have really wanted him to accept him as he was. He really wanted him to be the right person to stay by his side, to just support him, even if Jin wasn’t so good at dedicating himself to someone that way. In some way, he also knew he would be willing to try it with the man.

He brushed his thought off his mind because he knew he was just overthinking about all this situation. The two had just met and he didn’t want to get his hopes up to then be completely disappointed.

He decided to just answer the professor’s text in which he asked him to see each other again and tell him he would have liked to go on another dinner with him, just the two of them this time.

Taehyung was insufferable the morning of the encounter. Jin had tried countless times to tell him this wasn’t even going to be a date because they had simply decided to meet at Jin’s atelier after work, and then go grab something to eat for dinner. His brother, anyway, had just decided to blatantly ignore the older’s words and had spent almost fifteen minutes rummaging through his closet to find the perfect outfit.

Jin had obviously ignored him, given the fact that he was a stylist and, therefore, he was sure he didn’t need his help. He had just patiently waited for him to stop blabbering about how excited he was and, once Jungkook had come to pick him up to go to college, he had just worn what he liked best.

Even if he had faked composure in front of the other, Jin was, in fact, panicking. It wasn’t about what he was wearing this time, he knew his black slacks (designed by himself, of course) never failed to make him look extremely good. It wasn’t even about how he looked, because Namjoon had already told him he was handsome more than once.

He also knew they would surely have found something to talk about, but he was scared anyway. He was scared and nervous because he knew himself very well and he knew he liked Namjoon.

He liked when he looked at him, he liked receiving his texts, he liked his glasses and his words.

And now that he knew that he liked him he just wanted the other to like him back. His brother was right, he wanted to be happy but he also knew he didn’t want to suffer. He didn’t know if he would be able to bear it.

It was late afternoon when his assistant had told him that someone had come for him at the atelier. Seokjin hadn’t been able to hide a smile at the fact that Namjoon had come to pick him up. He knew he would have done it, of course, he had texted the address to him himself, but him really being there now was completely different.

Namjoon had tentatively entered his laboratory with a smile, after peeking from the doorframe and catching a glimpse of the older man putting his coat on. He was still wearing the glasses, Jin had understood, he used just during work and was holding an umbrella.

“This place is really cool!”

“Do you like it? It’s not very large, but it has everything I need. I chose every single detail of this place myself, so it makes me really proud when people like it”

Jin had already started smiling dumbly and blushing, and the other had arrived just a minute ago. He hoped he would be able to survive the night.

Some of his colleagues waved at them with a smile while they stepped out of the place, whispering and giggling between them. Jin looked down embarrassed once they got out, noticing that Namjoon had seen them too and was holding back a smile.

“I’m sorry for… that” he pointed at the building once they started walking down the road towards Namjoon’s car. He had offered to drive them to a restaurant he knew really well and was sure Jin would have liked.

Namjoon smiled brightly at that and brushed him off with a hand.

“They probably just thought this was a date and that’s not very common of me, so…”

He bit his lips at the words that had just escaped his mouth. He didn’t want Namjoon to know he hadn’t been exactly someone to go on dates in the last years. He wasn’t ashamed of that, but they had just met and scaring the man like that wasn’t exactly the best thing to do on their first non-date.

Seokjin looked at him with one eye and noticed your younger looking at him, his steps had slowed and he seemed insecure at how to respond. Before Jin could try and make up for his probably too straightforward words, the other spoke.

“I haven't asked you directly before and I’m sorry about that. I don’t know if you would like it or not, and it’s fine if you don’t, but I would very much like this to be a date”

Jin gulped at that. He would have been fine with that not being a date, but he would surely be more than happy if the other really wanted it to be one. Jin would have been a liar if he said he wasn’t absolutely, insanely happy and internally screaming in that moment.

He swung his own umbrella once they reached Namjoon’s car and he stopped in front of the passenger seat door. He looked at the man on the other side of the vehicle and smiled brightly at the way the breeze, typical of an early spring, was messing his hair up.

“Are you sure you understand the implications of what you are asking, mr. Kim?”

He was obviously teasing and the younger chuckled immediately, looking around and then back at him with a smirk.

“I’m very much acquainted with them, mr. Kim, and, because of that, I’m even more sure about wanting to date you”

Namjoon was keeping up with the joke, but at the same time his gaze was intense, sure. In that gaze Jin recognized once again the same curiosity, like he was trying to read his mind, understand his thoughts, analize his soul.

Seokjin couldn’t bring himself to dislike that gaze. It was difficult to dislike anything about the other when he was always so charming, always so gentle, always so kind.

He was now particularly liking the fact that his eyes were shifting from his own to his slightly parted lips from time to time, and, despite the fact of them being separated by a whole car, Jin felt like Namjoon was actually touching him. A shiver suddenly tickled his spine.

They both didn’t feel like they needed to say anything else, so they just got into the car and drove off to the restaurant.

The ride hadn’t not been particularly talkative. They had listened to slow music and Jin had asked him something about his job, but he had fastly noticed that even the silence between them wasn’t that bad. He liked the comfort of it, liked the fact that there was not even a crumb of discomfort between them, just a pretty blush on both of their cheeks.

The place Namjoon had taken him was small and cozy. There were just three or four tables, all already full, apart from the one reserved for them. The light was dim and warm and the jazz music made the whole atmosphere a lot more quiet and relaxed, just like Jin liked it.

Once they sat down and ordered their food Namjoon explained he had discovered this place thanks to his ex professor. They used to go together there after the lectures.

“Mr. Lee was one of my professors during my doctorate at college. When I finished it I worked as his assistant for a while, until he asked me to go teaching with him for a year in England. I thought it was a dream when he asked me, I felt so happy and proud at that moment. We left almost three months later and we spent a year there. I had never been so far away from Korea and I can’t deny that has been one of the best years of my life”

He seemed so happy by just telling all of that to Seokjin, so thrilled. He spoke about his job with so much passion and the older felt himself smiling every second more as he listened to him because they were really similar in that way.

He supported his head on his hand while he talked, intrigued every second more by this man who loved literature so much he was able to include a quote in almost every discussion. He was endeared by this fact and Namjoon noticed that. He even tried to hold back himself sometimes, but Jin didn’t want that.

“I like it when you talk about literature or poetry, just like the last time at the cafe. I would have loved to have a professor like you at university”

Namjoon looked down and held back a smile while taking a bite of his food. Jin took a sip of his drink and waited for the other to speak again.

“Well, I also like some things about you, actually”

Jin looked at him with wide eyes, ears bright red.

“You haven’t any right to make me flustered and expect me to not embarrass you back”

They both laughed but, before Seokjin could stop him from talking any further, Namjoon playfully lifted a hand to stop him and started speaking again.

“I like that you love what you do, just like me” Jin loved that too.

“I also like the way you always need to play with your hands when you are nervous”

At that Nmjoon looked down at Jin’s hands and the latter followed his gaze, eventually noticing he was holding his napkin and was folding and unfolding it mindlessly. He knew he had this habit, but no one had ever pointed it out to him. When he looked up he was met with an endeared gaze.

They stayed like that, looking at each other, for some time before Jin had the courage to look away and start breathing again.

He didn’t know why he was feeling so overwhelmed all of a sudden. At first he thought it was because it had been some time since he had last liked someone. But when their dinner was over and they were walking in silence on the bank of the river Han, while the moon was shining bright over them and a thin rain was still falling peacefully, he felt like nothing he had ever experienced could ever be compared to what he was feeling in that moment.

They were so close their hands were brushing, the umbrella Namjoon was holding to shield them from the rain made the older feel like they were the only people left in the whole world. He couldn’t feel the cold, he wasn’t able to admire the beauty of the city lights reflecting their shine on the surface of the water, like he did all the other times he walked near the Han, he couldn’t focus on the murmurs of the people passing by them. All he could think about was the handsome man that was with him, and his deep voice, and his compliments, and his attention to everything he said and did.

They stopped and turned to the river in front of them for a moment, but then Jin felt a pair of eyes looking at his side profile and turned around with a questioning look.

Namjoon slowly lifted a hand to his cheek. The soft touch made the other shiver pleasantly. He didn’t move nor he said anything.

The younger caressed his cheekbone lovingly with his thumb and examined his features with his gaze. He seemed lost in his thoughts and Jin didn’t dare disturb him, so he just took that time to take a step closer and put his hand on the one Namjoon had on the handle of the umbrella. The lingering touch of Namjoon’s fingers on his face made him feel so pliant and so eager to ask for more.

All his life Seokjin had always felt like he didn’t need anyone, like he was the one who had to take care of himself and of his family alone. He rarely allowed people to see through him, rarely allowed anyone to make him feel like he didn’t need to worry about anything.

For years every time he had allowed himself to relax, something had happened and he had been forced to go back to having anything under control. Eventually he had stopped doing that and he had just accepted the fact that anyone and anything would have ever been able to convince him to just breathe slowly for once, rather than gasping for air.

Everything he had ever believed about himself seemed meaningless now, though.

He didn’t want to think about anything now, didn’t want to think about the fears he had about a possible relationship, nor about everything that could go wrong. He just wanted to think about how much he loved being there with someone who was making him feel so light and carefree.

He was feeling like a child, because he was experiencing so many new things all together.

When Namjoon’s thumb moved closer to his mouth and brushed on his bottom lip, Jin took a step even closer. Their breaths were now meddling, they were even more focused on each other than before, if that was even possible. The younger then spoke and the words were inhaled by Seokjin like the purest air.

“I really wouldn’t want to act like a professor in this moment, but right now the only words that are coming into my mind are Shakespeare’s”

Seokjin could only laugh lightly at that and lean even more on the other’s touch.

“Her eyes in heaven would through the airy region stream so bright, that birds would sing and think it were not night. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”

Jin could just bite his lip and try to stop the tears forming in his eyes at the quotation. He suddenly felt so emotional he wasn’t sure he could afford all those feelings at the same time.

“It’s Romeo and Juliet. I just suddenly feel so blessed to be able to touch your cheek like this while Romeo couldn’t do it with Juliet. I feel so lucky because I’ve just spent hours looking into your beautiful eyes, but now I feel so scared that this night will end too soon. I would just want to able to look at you for a bit longer”

And Jin at that couldn’t hold back himself for a second more, because even if a man who was able to touch so softly, to say such poetic words, to look at him like he wanted to discover his biggest secrets, couldn’t possibly be real, he couldn’t care less about that now.

When his lips touched Namjoon’s nothing else mattered, because even if he wasn’t real, at least now he was able to taste this wonderful dream like he would have wanted to do from the start.

Chapter Text

When Jin detached himself from Namjoon, breaking the contact of their lips after their brief kiss, his eyes widened at the stunned look on the other’s face. His mouth was open in surprise and, for a brief moment, the elder thought he had just messed up their whole date and lost all his chances to have future ones.

He suddenly regretted not accepting his brother’s advice and not having gone on more dates during the past five years. If he did it maybe he would have known what to do.

Could it be that he hadn’t understood the signals? Maybe the other had just been kind all night and a kiss had just been too much and too early?

Jin took a step back, muttering incoherent words to excuse himself. He suddenly felt so embarrassed compared to how good he had felt just some minutes ago.

He had already retracted his hand from where it was resting on Namjoon’s one and was about to find an excuse to run away from that awkward situation. He wasn’t able to say anything more, though, because, after shaking his head lightly to erase the shock from his mind, the man in front of him smiled widely and took a step towards Seokjin.

He gripped him gently, but firmly, by his nape with the hand that was previously holding the umbrella, which fell neglected on the sidewalk. His other hand slipped inside his coat and grabbed his waist tightly, sending a shiver down the elder’s spine. Their chests bumped on each other with the force the younger had used to close once again the gap between them, and Jin’s previous discomfort was suddenly replaced by instant warmth as they connected their lips once again.

Seokjin's immediate surprise soon faded away and his hands moved to the other’s cheeks. He cupped his face and smiled between the slide of their lips. Namjoon chuckled lightly too and pecked him twice before deepening the kiss.

The younger’s hands went to slide around his waist until he was hugging him so tight Jin actually felt like they were about to become one, to merge their bodies together. They could feel each other’s heartbeats, they were breathing the same air. When one moved away to catch his breath, the other was fast to capture his lips again.

It seemed like it was never enough, and Jin actually thought it would have never been. The proximity was addicting, Namjoon was addicting for him. From the moment he had first tasted the feeling of his presence in his life he hadn’t been able to stop longing for it.

They kissed deeply and softly for some minutes until they weren’t able to feel anything but each other anymore.

The drizzling rain was still falling over them, slightly wetting their hair and their clothes. It was cold but their bodies weren’t. Their breaths and their touches were hot, comforting.

When they stopped kissing they stood close, foreheads pressed together. Namjoon pecked his cheek a couple of times with a smile, making the other giggle shyly and cover his face with his hands.

“For a moment I thought you didn’t want me to kiss you!” he whined, peeking an eye from behind his hands.

Namjoon just hugged him tighter and poked with his nose at the elder's hands to make him show his face. When Jin did, he found the other smiling brightly and brushed a wet strand of hair out of his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I was just surprised! I didn’t think you could actually like me”

“What do you mean, I literally went on a date with you! And after what you said, how could someone not like you?”

Jin punched him softly on the chest and left his hand there after, caressing the smooth material of his coat.

The younger examined his blushing face like he was now used to do, before resting his lips to the other’s temple and leaving sweet pecks from there to his eyebrows.

“And how could I not want you to kiss me? Jin, you are so sweet, and kind and funny! I really like you too”

Jin was already looking down, but he hid in the crook of the other’s neck to cover his bright red ears.

The night was dark, and the lights coming from the city reflected in the puddles in the streetwalk and in their eyes. Jin's forehead pressed on Namjoon's shoulder and, when he felt the soaked material of his clothes, he looked up at the sky, noticing just now that the rain was starting to become heavier and the wind scathing.

Namjoon seemed to notice too and he was fast to reach for his forgotten umbrella, which was still on the ground. It was wet too, but Jin had left his own in the car, so they just laughed loudly as the younger took Jin’s hand and dragged him to the nearest building, hoping to find shelter from the bad weather.

They ran back to the restaurant hand in hand and stopped under the porch at the entrance. They were still laughing and Jin got closer to Namjoon to stop himself from shivering.

Now that they weren’t hugging anymore he could finally feel the freezing cold of the night, but when the other circled his waist with his arm again, he instantly felt better and he took his other hand before pecking his cheek.

“Are you cold?” Namjoon asked, feeling the other getting closer to him and nuzzling at his side.

“Not anymore” Jin mumbled.

Namjoon smiled widely and kissed the top of his head lovingly, tightening his grip on him.

When Namjoon’s car stopped in front of Jin’s apartment they looked at each other for a second, before the younger brought a hand to his nape to kiss him deeply again. The position was uncomfortable, but they both didn’t want to stop, even less say goodbye for the night.

“I don’t want you to go” Namjoon whispered, but soon regretted his words and moved away from the other to look at his face. He searched it, worried to find some sort of discomfort.

Jin had told him about his brother, how close they were and how he would have preferred to go home that night. They had also decided to see each other the next day, even if they would have wanted to be together for more time. They wanted to take things slow though, and they both agreed on it, but now the words had just slipped out of Namjoon’s mouth and he hadn’t been able to stop them.

When he looked at Seokjin’s face he just saw him biting his upper lip to stop a smile, before he leaned forward to caress his cheek. He swiped his thumb on his cheekbone.

“I know. I would like to ask you to come inside, but I think that would make everything really awkward. My brother and Jungkook are probably making out in Taehyung’s room or on the couch now… Once I found them half naked in the kitchen! I won’t tell you the details, but the point is that I think that tonight is not the right night…”

They both laughed at the explanation and Namjoon nodded with a smile. Jin knew he understood when he took his hand and kissed it softly.

They actually kissed for some more minutes before Jin forced himself to get out of the car, as the situation became more heated. The slide of their lips had become wet and eager, and their flushed cheeks when they stopped to take a breath gave away how worked up they actually were because of that.

The elder waved at Namjoon from the entrance before going in and closing the door of his building behind himself.

When he entered his apartment he leaned on the closed door with his back for a moment. He felt like his heart was starting to beat at a normal speed again now after hours. His head was spinning and a smile was plastered on his face, not giving any sign of going away anytime soon.

All the lights were off and his brother was not in sight. He was thankful for that, he didn’t know if he would be able to resist the urge to rumble about Namjoon to him for hours if he had been awake.

He also didn’t think that would have been appropriate: Namjoon was still his professor, after all, and he also wanted to see where their relationship would have taken them before introducing him to Taehyung as his boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Jin growled into his hands, trying to muffle the sound to not wake up anyone. He couldn’t possibly be already thinking about being ‘boyfriends’. They had literally just kissed, he had just come back from their first date.

They had talked briefly about going slow and that was what he wanted to do. He decided he would have erased from his head the word ‘boyfriend’, and wouldn’t have brought that up until he had felt like Namjoon really wanted what they had to be something serious.

He shook his head to empty his mind, but his smile stayed on as he changed to something more comfortable and went to bed.

Once on the bed, he tried to close his eyes and relax his mind to finally go to sleep, but it was like the memory of his lips on Namjoon's was haunting him. Just when he was turning around to change position under the covers, he heard his phone buzz.

When he stretched to take his phone from the bedside table and read the message, he wasn’t able to stop himself from hiding his face in the pillow in embarrassment for how wide his smile had become. His heart was beating so fast he felt like he could have had a heart attack in a matter of seconds.

Namjoon had just texted him a simple ‘I already miss you’ and he knew he was a goner.

With half of his face still hidden in the pillow he texted an ‘I miss you too’ back, before putting his phone away, forcing himself to sleep before he could do something incredibly childish, like starting to jump around the room in happiness.

He woke up early the following day, even if it was a saturday. Almost prancing around the house, he immediately went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for everyone. He knew Jungkook was home too because his shoes were at the entrance, so he prepared extra food. He also put on some music and started singing low.

Usually he worked on saturdays too, but that day he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on work, so he decided to just take it slow. Plus, he and Namjoon had decided to meet in the afternoon and he didn’t want to go to their date looking tired and dishevelled, like he usually looked after work, again.

He was whistling mindlessly when he saw Jungkook coming into the kitchen. He smiled widely when he saw Jin cooking.

“Hi hyung! I thought you would have gone to the atelier today, I was going to prepare breakfast for Taetae…” he seated at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee in front of him.

“Yeah, well… I took a day off…”

Jungkook looked at him with squinted eyes.

“You never take a day off” he seemed really confused and Jin couldn’t blame him. He really never took a day off.

Jin glared at him, but, before he could answer, his brother came into the room yawning, a hand rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“Goodmorning, hyung” he said, before going towards his boyfriend and plopping down on his lap. He curled up in Jungkook’s embrace, hugging his knees and nuzzling in the other’s neck before kissing there and starting talking again “How did yesterday go?”

Jungkook whispered something into his ear but Jin wasn’t able to catch it. He just imagined it to be some of their cheesy exchanges, so he just rolled his eyes and put the plates with their breakfast on the table.

“Very well, actually”

He seated in front of the two boys and tried to contain his smile. He didn’t want them to ask him too many questions, but he also knew there would probably be, as always, no escape. He shoved his food in his mouth and scrolled through his phone to avoid his brother’s stare.

“Mind elaborating?”

Taehyung had now turned towards him, still in Jungkook’s lap, with the latter’s head on his shoulder. He was looking at Jin with a raised brow.

“We went to dinner, talked a lot…”

“Did you two kiss?” Jungkook interrupted. Taehyung was now feeding him the pancakes while waiting for his brother’s answer.

“We…” Jin gasped and stood up “If I tell you that, then will I be free from your interrogation?”

“Maybe…”

Jin sighed but decided to give in. He was sure they wouldn’t have stopped pestering him if he didn’t tell them.

“We...We kissed” he whispered.

His brother immediately ran to him and jumped in his arms “You kissed mr. Kim, oh my God, I’m so happy!”

His brother was loud, as always, but he was really happy for him. He was always happy whenever Jin was happy.

And he started screaming even louder when Jin told him they would have met that afternoon too. Jin just shook his head at his brother’s exaggerated reaction and went to his room, leaving Jungkook to deal with his sudden morning energy.

He had to make a few work phone calls in the morning but, apart from those, he really took a day off.

With Namjoon they had decided to meet at a park near his house. They would have gone for a walk and then had something to drink at a bar, and Jin couldn’t actually be more excited.

When it was almost time he walked to the park and waited on a bench for Namjoon. He was actually a bit early so he didn’t expect to feel hands covering his eyes just some seconds after sitting down.

The warmth coming from the skin touching him was already unmistakeable for Jin. He instantly felt his lips curving into a wide grin at the thought of Namjoon being already there, early just like him.

Before the other could even speak, he stood up and turned around, moving around the bench to reach the younger, cup his cheeks and kiss him.

He noticed when their lips were already sliding together that Namjoon still had his glasses on. They had shared their first kisses while Namjoon didn’t have them on, having taken them off during their dinner, so that time there had been nothing that could make the kiss even slightly uncomfortable. But now that the glasses were there, Jin found his hold on the other’s face and his trying to get as close as possible to him slightly awkward.

They both chuckled between kisses when Jin squished too hard with his hands, and the glasses tilted and almost fell on the ground. Namjoon was fast to catch them and he took them off before gripping Seokjin’s waist with firmness.

“I wanted to surprise you...” he mumbled while caressing Jin’s back.

“Yeah, sorry” he just hadn’t been able to stop himself. He pouted, and Namjoon immediately kissed his pout away. They both smiled dumbly at each other.

Jin was head over heels and he was well aware of that. He knew the whole situation was big and complicated, but he just felt so good whenever he was with Namjoon. It had been so much time since he had felt that good for something unrelated to his job or his family, and he didn’t want to let that go.

When they started walking through the park and discussing their day, and Jin felt Namjoon taking his hand and swaying their intertwined fingers in the air, the warmth that had taken over his body the moment the other had arrived just increased. A smile seemed to be embedded on his face by now.

Namjoon told him about his lectures of the day, while Jin told him about the garment he had designed for Hoseok, which was now finished. Everything was familiar, comfortable, almost like they had done this a thousand times. But Jin remembered very well they were just at their second date and, when they stopped at a cozy outdoor cafè, he decided to bring up the thoughts that were making him nervous and insecure about the whole situation.

It was cold but the heat lamps all around them and Namjoon’s fingers, with which he was tracing the skin on Jin’s hand, were helping him to feel better.

“I think we have to talk…” he started. He knew that was an abrupt way to start but Namjoon didn’t seem nervous, just curious. He tilted his head and the elder continued.

“But you can’t touch me while we talk” he retracted his hand with an embarrassed smile and the younger gasped.

“Why?”

“Because I can’t concentrate if you touch me and we seriously need to talk” his tone was playful and Namjoon huffed before pouting, leaning back on his seat. Jin smiled again and explained.

“I know that it is not exactly recommended to talk about exes on first or second dates, but…” he notices Namjoon nodding slowly. Jin didn’t want to sound too serious, he didn’t want to ruin the mood or pressure the other, he just needed to get this out of his chest.

“The first time we met you had a girlfriend, and that wasn’t even two moths ago. I know you two broke up because Hoseok told me that. I wouldn’t have gone on a date with you if that hadn’t been the case” Jin wanted this point to be clear.

“It’s just that… I like you, and I know it’s too early to talk about this and everything...” he grimaced, not wanting his words to sound too heavy or demanding “But I understand that, as someone who has just got out of a relationship, you could not want something serious so soon. And, because of that, I want you to know I am not someone to do like...the casual type of relationship?”

He closed his eyes and shook his head with a frown. Namjoon seemed amused by his awkwardness for a moment, but he also looked deep in thought.

“I had a moment where I just went on dates or did hookups, I am not saying I am against that, I just don’t do that with people I really like and not at this point of my life”

Namjoon sighed and, at that moment, a waiter brought them their hot chocolates. He blew softly on it before taking a sip.

“Me and Soobin met at university” he started with an unsure voice, but, the more he talked, the more he seemed to start relaxing “We have been friends before getting together, and she has been my girlfriend for something more than three years. During the year I’ve been to England she has stayed in Seoul for work and she never asked me to stay or come back, she has always supported me. We talked and video called a lot but it obviously wasn’t the same”

Jin never interrupted him once during his explanation. It seemed like it was the first time Namjoon was talking about his breakup with someone who hadn’t witnessed their relationship and could, this way, give honest reactions and opinions. He really hoped this could help him in some way.

“We loved each other, really, but when I came back, even if at first it all seemed the same, after just some days we discovered that nothing was actually the same. Our lives had changed, our perspectives had changed, our visions of our future had changed. We had decided to get a house for the two of us once I would come back, but suddenly that didn’t feel right, so we decided to wait. And at the dinner… we were already thinking about taking a break and we broke up almost three days after. She is important for me, she will always be, but this was the right thing to do, for the both of us”

Jin was glad to hear that they hadn’t had a bad break up. He didn’t know Soobin, but when he had met her she had seemed like a good girl, kind and smart.

Thinking about what he was saying, that night he had noticed the couple wasn’t particularly close, actually. They had seemed fine, but still pretty cold.

Namjoon’s words were slightly comforting him, but he still didn’t want the younger to get himself into something he wasn’t ready for.

“That night I noticed you…you were looking at me a lot?” he shyly said.

Namjoon looked down chuckling “Yes… But, honestly, I would have never flirted with you or anything while I was still dating Soobin. It’s just that you are really beautiful and you seemed so smart and kind…”

“I know you wouldn't have...”

“You know?” Namjoon cocked an eyebrow amused.

“It’s not that I don’t know how absolutely charming I am...” he faked a sway of his hair and laughed “But it was obvious from the start that you were too loyal”

“Do I really look that innocent?” Namjoon propped himself on the table and lowered his tone of voice, while looking at Jin with dark eyes “Are you sure about that? Do I need to prove you wrong?”

Seokjin widened his eyes and scoffed before drinking his hot chocolate. Namjoon could just smirk and drink too before talking again.

“I really like you too, hyung, I told you. And we already said we’ll go slow. We can take our time, go on dates, talk…” at that he moved closer to him with his chair and took one of his hand in his “If you want me too I would like to try this with you because I want this, I want you”

Jin gulped and he felt his whole face blushing.

A loud thunder broke the sudden silence and they both looked up at the sky worriedly. The clouds were grey and menacing. Little drops of water started falling and Jin looked at Namjoon, who was still glancing up.

He was so handsome Jin felt his breath caught in his throat. He knew he wanted him, even if this was dangerous, even if this was totally out of his comfort zone. He wanted something real, and lasting, and he knew it, but he also wanted it with someone he really cared about. He didn't want to settle for someone he knew he didn’t like enough just because it would have been safer.

He wanted butterflies, passion and love. And he wanted those with Namjoon. It was like he had known it from the first moment and, even if it hadn’t been like it for the other, he didn’t care, he just wanted him.

So he leaned forward and cupped his cheeks, slowly kissing him to make his point across.

“If I asked you if you want to go to my house to have something to eat, would that go against our ‘going slow’ agreement?”

The rain that had started to fall while they were at the cafe had resulted in being just a short storm. They had sheltered from it inside the place for some minutes and, after it had ended, they had walked in the park for some more time. They had now reached the younger car and Jin was biting his lip at Namjoon’s words.

“I don’t think so...” he gulped. Jin really wanted to spend more time with Namjoon, but going to his house meant no people. And no people meant touching and kissing without having to worry about someone watching. And kissing Namjoon, given how much he liked that, could definitely lead to something more and, as much as Jin wanted it, he was unsure. Some time had passed since the last time he had been alone with someone he liked so much, not to mention how many months had passed since the last time he had had sex.

Jin wanted to slap himself because, how could he possiby be thinking about sex in a moment like that? He needed to get a grip.

The man took a step towards him “You don’t have to come if you don’t feel like it, we could see each other tomorrow or next week…”

Namjoon smiled tenderly and Seokjin melted. He didn’t want him to think he didn’t want to go, he wanted to be honest.

“I want to come, really! I’m just…” he looked down “I’m just a bit nervous...” he squeezed his eyes.

Namjoon caressed his cheek and held his chin to make him look up at him. His eyes were deep and caring.

“It’s okay, I understand. Let’s just grab some ramen and watch a movie?”

“Really?” Jin squinted his eyes at him. He didn’t want to sound like a kid on his first date, but he actually felt a bit like it. He didn’t know if he was ready for something more than kisses for that night and was glad Namjoon wasn’t judging on pressuring him, but he was feeling embarrassed nonetheless. He knew his ears were red, and maybe also his neck.

“Really” Namjoon seemed firm though. He was smiling and brushing Jin’s hair out of his face.

“Okay”

And so they found themselves seated on Namjoon’s couch, in Namjoon’s small apartment, eating ramen.

Jin had texted Taehyung he would be home late and was now looking around this unfamiliar, but not less warm than his owner, living room. There was a big bookshelf that covered a whole wall, and many more books scattered around the house, on the kitchen table and even on the floor. The elder giggled as he noticed it and Namjoon looked at him questioningly, his mouth full of food.

“This is exactly how I imagined your place to look like”

“Do I look that much like a messy and boring person?” He looked around too.

“You are not boring!”

“But I talk a lot…”

“And I like it” Seokjin meant it. He liked Namjoon’s voice a lot “And your students like it too. Taehyung always tells me about how interesting your lessons are. And he did that even before we got to know each other, so he’s not trying to make me talk to you about how good of a student he is”

They both laughed and Jin took a bite of his own food too.

“Taehyung really is a good student. He always asks questions and makes a lot of interesting comments. Jungkook is more shy but he is very polite”

Jin proudly smiled and looked down, his chest suddenly warm at the thought of his brother.

“Your parents must be really proud of you two. You run a successful firm and Taehyung is going to graduate soon, that’s awesome”

Seokjin gulped as the warmth in his heart was being replaced by ice. He continued to look down to hide the expression on his face. He didn’t want to make the other feel bad, he didn’t know about his parents, how could he? Moreover, it had been so much time since he and his brother have been alone, and that small comment shouldn’t have affected him this much. It was just that it had been so sudden, the thoughts suddenly coming to his mind so in contrast to the previous comfortable atmosphere, and he felt his mouth going dry.

He reached for a glass of water on the coffee table and swallowed loudly while putting his bowl of ramen away. He felt Namjoon’s eyes on him. When he looked up he found him staring at him, eyes searching his face trying to find the source of the sudden discomfort.

“Did I say something wrong?” his voice was laced with worry and Jin felt his heart break. It wasn’t Namjoon's fault if the thought of his parents made him so emotional till this day. He saw him put his food away too.

“No… but I thought Hoseok had told you…”

Hoseok didn’t know much about Jin’s family, but he knew his parents died when he was a kid and that he lived with Taehyung. Seokjin didn’t particularly like talking about that part of his life, because usually people tended to pity him or babble about how great he had been for doing what he did.

Seokjin didn’t think he was great and didn’t want people to tell him that he was. He had simply chosen what he thought was best for his family.

“Tell me what?”

Namjoon was now scared and he squirmed closer, slowly moving a hand on his back to comfort him.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, this is not exactly a ‘second date thing’ to tell”

Jin tried to joke but Namjoon was still serious. Not stern, but he was visibly trying to think how to make him feel better.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to”

“It’s not that big of a deal, don’t worry... It’s just…” he took a deep breath and looked around, not able to look into the other’s eyes.

“Our parents died when I was twelve and Taehyung five” he blurted out. Namjoon gulped at that, but he didn’t say anything, his touch on the elder’s back just became softer, while his free hand rested on his thigh.

“They died in a car accident. Me and my brother have lived with our aunt for nine years before I decided to adopt Taehyung when I was twenty one” he felt his eyes becoming watery and his voice shaking. It had been a really long time since the last time he had told someone this story, and he found out that even after all that time it still hadn’t gotten easier.

“I worked and went to school at the same time to have enough money to take care of both of us when we would move in together. After I graduated I used that money and what I had inherited from our parents to rent a house for us and live there with Taehyung. Then I worked some more and...you know the rest, about my firm and everything”

He closed his eyes and felt a tear roll down his cheek. He really wouldn’t have wanted to cry, he felt so stupid.

“I’m sorry I’m crying, this way you will think I didn’t want all this, but I did!” he tried to dry his tears with the back of his hand “I chose to do this, even if my aunt had offered to keep us with her for as long as we wanted to stay. I didn’t feel pressured, I just wanted to be with my brother and take care of him. I don’t want you to think I’m crying because I suffered because of this decision, it’s not like that”

Seokjin looked at Namjoon and saw he had a frown on his face. He was looking intently at him when he started shaking his head and his hand moved to Jin’s cheek.

“I don’t think that, don’t worry” he whispered and leaned his forehead on Seokjin’s before closing his eyes “I just think you had been very brave, hyungie”

Another tear rolled down the other’s face and fell on his hands in his lap. He sniffed while trying to explain himself “I love Taehyung and I wanted to give him as much as I could, even if I knew his childhood wouldn’t ever be simple. I wanted him to feel at home, not to feel like I had felt when we moved in with our aunt”

He remembered clearly everything from those days: his aunt crying when she had welcomed them in her house, the awkward first dinners together with her family, the feeling of being a guest in what was supposed to be also his house.

“She is great, really, but I’ve never felt at home there, not even once in nine years, and I wanted something different for Taehyung. I wanted him to have his own home”

With that final word he broke down and threw himself in Namjoon’s arms. He hid in the crook of his neck and wetted it with his tears, while he gripped the back of his sweater tightly. He felt Namjoon’s warmth engulfing him, his strong arms making him feel so small but so cared for.

“Ssh, baby, ssh…” he felt Namjoon whispering softly. He didn’t focus too much on the pet name to not start daydreaming, and also because he was just so grateful for his soothing voice. It was calming him and his thumping heart, and he didn’t need anything more at the moment.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried so much. He didn’t feel ashamed, but he got worried this could be too much for the younger. He didn’t want to sound like one to complain or cry for his past. Everybody had his problems, he didn’t feel special.

“I’m sorry” he mumbled, his lips brushing Namjoon’s skin. The other held him tighter.

“For what?” he dropped a kiss on his temple.

“For crying so much. I told you this wasn’t some second date story to tell” a breathy laughter escaped his lips, but his words were sorrowful and his breath irregular.

“I don’t care, hyung. I want to know everything about you, and I think that, by now, this is the most beautiful part of yourself I discovered. You are so amazing…” he kissed his temple again, and then his forehead and his hair.

“ ‘m not...” Seokjin mumbled, still against his skin.

“Yes, you are. And don’t think I’m pitying you, because I’m not. I’m just stating facts. You are just one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met”

Jin still didn’t like to be complimented for what he had done, he still didn’t feel special, never did. But in that moment, in Namjoon’s arms, his breath near his ear, his cologne surrounding him, chests pressed together, he did feel somehow special..

He felt special for someone who was able to read him and already knew all his quirks. He felt special for someone he had just met, but also someone that already understood him so much more than many of his friends ever did.

And he also really didn’t feel his pity, he just felt admiration. That was new for him and he didn’t despise it. He let himself sink in that sensation without asking himself more questions.

Seokjin didn’t know for how long they stayed there like that, basking in each other’s warmth, whispering sweet nothings that only they were allowed to catch.

He knew that, at some point, he had felt arms lifting him from the couch and Namjoon’s voice whispering something in his ear in the lines of “Sleepy baby”.

He also knew that, probably hours later, judging by the absolute dark of the room, he had felt the other squirming to get closer to him and wrap him in a tight hug. And they were in a bed now.

That night he dreamt of his parents, Taehyung and him laughing together.

He didn’t remember the last time he had slept so soundly and peacefully.

He scrunched his nose at the sudden itching feeling on his face. He didn’t open his eyes, he only scratched his face lightly to brush the sensation away and tried to go back to sleep.

After some seconds, though, he felt a feather-like touch on his cheek and a now familiar warmth by his side. His lips curved into a smile and, after some seconds, he heard laughter and a soft voice.

“Jin?”

The elder kept his eyes closed, pretending to be still asleep, even if he knew he couldn’t stop his grin from blooming further on his face. Namjoon chuckled again and caressed his cheek.

“Hyung?”

He nuzzled in the pillow and hugged himself under the sheets, still not opening his eyes. He felt the other move closer and his breath fanning on his ear.

“Baby?”

Seokjin’s eyes snapped open and a blush spread on his ears and cheeks. He suddenly remembered Namjoon calling him that the night before, Namjoon softly putting him on the bed and covering him to keep him warm. He remembered Namjoon’s reassuring whispers and touches. He pulled the blanket over his head to hide.

“I’m not a baby!”

“Oh, so now you answer”

Jin peeked from behind his hideout and glared at him.

“I’m not a baby!” he repeated playfully. Namjoon pulled the blanket away from his face and smiled.

“But when you act all cute and you start blushing you indeed look like a baby”

At that he kissed him softly, cupping his face with his hands. Jin was quick to kiss him back, sighing satisfied at the pleasuring sensation of the man’s touch.

They kissed for some seconds, before Namjoon whispered breathlessly against his mouth “Don’t you like it when I call you that?”

The younger moved his lips to his jaw and started leaving pecks from there to his neck “Do you want me to stop?”

Seokjin’s head started spinning and his breath was caught in his throat. He was now lying face-up on the bed and the other was almost hovering over him.

The wet kisses on his skin and his deep voice were making him ask himself whether his question was related to their previous exchange or to something else. Just the thought of that was making him crazy.

Hands moved to his waist as their lips collided once again in a much more heated kiss. A moan escaped Jin’s mouth before he could stop himself and he reached to grip the younger’s white t-shirt tightly.

Their tongues slided together, roamed each other’s mouth, explored what they could, not refraining from taking as much as they needed from the other. Every touch sent a jolt through their bodies, every shared breath was conveying everything words wouldn’t have been able to express. The wet sounds they were making and their sighs soon filled the room.

Namjoon slided one of his hands under Jin’s shirt and he had reached his tummy, when he suddenly stopped and broke the kiss to rest his forehead on the elder’s chest. They both panted out of breath as Jin looked up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry…” Namjoon mumbled against his shirt.

“For what? It’s not your fault that I am so absolutely irresistible”

They both chuckled and Namjoon looked at him with a glare before leaning in and pecking his lips once again. He then rested his chin on his chest.

“As much as I want to continue kissing you, I have bought breakfast and it’s sunday, so you have a lunch to attend”

Jin’s eyes widened and he immediately seated up, almost scaring Namjoon with the sudden movement.

“What time is it? Oh my God, Taehyung must have called me a thousand times…”

He started blabbering as he looked around for his phone, upon realizing that he had slept out without telling his brother, that he was probably already late for his sunday lunch, and that he had been on the verge of going way more far than a kiss with Namjoon less than a minute ago.

He heard him laugh and looked back at the younger confused.

“What? Why are you laughing?”

“Don’t worry, it’s 9 am. I thought it would be better to wake you up early so that you have time to go home and get ready. Moreover…” he reached for some bags on the floor and put them on the bed “I suck at cooking, so I went out to get something to eat”

Jin was shocked. He looked between the food and Namjoon with his mouth wide open.

Not only had he remembered Seokjin telling him about his lunches with his family, he had also gone out at 8 in the morning on a sunday to get them breakfast. He couldn’t believe his eyes and he just bit his lips, words caught in his throat. He felt so lucky and blessed. He didn’t know it could be possible to feel so good with someone, he didn’t know it was possible for someone as attentive and caring as Namjoon to even exist.

“Thank you. I… ” he inhaled and scooted closer. He reached his side of the bed and kissed him once, before taking his arm and sliding it around his own shoulders.

They ate together in a comfortable silence after that, Jin still dazed from their previous night.

He could still smell the younger’s cologne on him even when Namjoon drove him home and they said goodbye, while his mind replayed their morning heated kiss in his mind non stop.

He was glad that, when they were making out, he hadn’t thought not even for a moment about his doubts and his fears. In those minutes, maybe because he had just woken up, maybe because Namjoon’s warmth made him dizzy, he hadn’t thought about anything other than lips, and tongues, and hands.

He wanted to feel like that again, he wanted to just relax and completely trust the younger. He didn’t want to think about everything that could go wrong again, he didn’t want to be ashamed of all the years he had spent without someone touching him like that anymore. He just wanted to live the moment, have fun, bask in all the feelings that were growing towards Namjoon.

Turned out Taehyung wasn’t mad at him, nor was he worried. He imagined Jin would have slept at Namjoon’s that night, he just didn’t really think they would have just slept.

“So you really didn’t have sex?”

They were now driving to Jungkook’s house for their sunday lunch. Jin sighed and rolled his eyes at his brother.

“For the hundredth time, no, we didn’t. We want to go slow and I prefer it this way, stop being your horny self”

This time Taehyung rolled his eyes at him and lightly punched his arm “I was just asking!”

They both went silent at the comment, until Seokjin spoke again.

“He makes me happy, though”

“I can tell”

His brother smiled lovingly at him and Seokjin couldn’t help but smile back.

He knew he was being obvious. It had been clear as the sun from the moment he had stepped into their apartment that he was happy. The smile and blush on his face were evident, and so was his excitement about everything Namjoon said or did. He told Taehyung everything, from the things that had made him laugh, to the things that had warmed his heart. His date seemed to be the only thing he wanted to talk about.

That day at lunch also Jungkook’s family asked him everything about Namjoon. Apparently the boy hadn’t been able to keep to himself the fact that Jin finally liked someone, and now his mom was asking questions about his looks, his job, his life, practically everything.

Jin answered with a bright red face at the bunch of questions, until Jungkook finally came to rescue and stopped his mother before she could ask more.

They spent the rest of the day peacefully, but Jin didn’t have the chance to call Namjoon until late afternoon, when they came home and he finally noticed he had a missing call from him and a text.

‘I’m sorry, I know you are busy. Just wanted to hear your voice’

Jin giggled at the text, and immediately reached his room and closed the door behind himself to call the younger.

“Hi” he heard him say from the other side of the line after some seconds.

“Hi. Is everything okay?”

“Yes, I’m sorry I called you, I shouldn’t…”

“No, I’m happy you called” Jin immediately interrupted him. He noticed the other had a low voice, one he didn’t know. He seemed tired or upset, Jin couldn’t really tell.

“Can we see each other tomorrow?” Namjoon suddenly blurted out. It was like he had kept that in his chest for the whole day and was now eager to let it out.

Jin was happy to hear Namjoon wanted to see him, but the tone of his voice made him slightly fidgety.

“Sure...Are you sure everything is fine?” he asked tentatively.

“Yes, it’s just…” he heard him sigh and now he was sure something had happened for him to sound so bothered, especially because he was fine that morning “Don’t worry hyung, just some work stuff”

Seokjin nodded while sitting on the bed and didn’t ask more. He would have wanted to help him, but he thought that if he wasn’t telling him he shouldn’t have pressured him. He didn’t want to sound too clingy, so, after that, they just said goodbye.

Turned out the day after they wouldn’t be able to meet because Seokjin was, like most of his life, really busy. He was now totally immersed in finishing his new collection, after receiving a call in the morning from the production unit. They had told him that they would have needed more time for all the clothes to be ready for the selling, so they had to speed up their last revision for the designs. They still had some details to check, and he was still unsure whether other pieces were appropriate for the theme of the collection or not. The revealing of the collection was at the end of may and Jin was practically panicking.

Namjoon had told him it was fine because he also had a lot to do at college, so they settled for calls and texts.

Seokjin should have also met with Hoseok, but he called him to tell him they would have to postpone to the next week, at least. He was completely absorbed in trying to finish his collection in time for the starting of the production so he really didn’t have time.

“I’m sorry Hobi, I know we just have the last fitting left, but this week is going to be hell” he was trying to hold the phone between his head and his shoulder while sewing paillettes over paillettes on one of his new designs.

“Don’t worry hyung, we can see each other when you are free” he got silent for a moment before speaking again “It’s not that you don’t want to see me because you are scared I’ll ask about Namjoon, right hyung?”

Seokjin almost stinged his finger with the needle at that, so he stopped his movements and took the phone with one of his hands.

“He.... You two talked?”

“Not exactly” he heard Hoseok huff “He didn’t tell me much, but I knew something was up with you two when I called some days ago and he told me you were meeting. I know him well and he doesn’t tell me much about this stuff, never did, but I thought you would have told me you were dating my best friend!”

Hoseok wasn’t mad, he was just playfully scolding his friend, but Jin felt slightly bad anyway.

“I’m sorry, you are right, it’s just that everything happened so fast and…” he stood up and reached the small balcony of the atelier.

“Don’t worry” he heard him laugh brightly “I am not that surprised, actually. Just…”

Seokjin gulped and leaned on the wall waiting for the other to continue.

“I believe you two already talked about this, and you certainly don’t need my advice…” if only Hobi knew how much Seokjin actually needed advice “But I know Namjoon well and sometimes he tends to keep everything to himself. Every problem, every insecurity”

Jin felt his heart clench. He knew he and the man had already talked about his recent break up and their dating, but he also got worried at his friend’s words as he remembered the night before and Namjoon’s tone on the phone.

“He may seem mature and all because of his attitude, but he is also insecure most of the time. He and Soobin were also very close and…”

Seokjin felt his legs going numb as the words continued to reach his ear. He knew Hoseok was just trying to be a good friend for the both of them. He understood very well his worries, being them the same ones that kept him restless whenever he started thinking about his situation with the professor.

Those words, anyway, were making him feel more nervous than what he already was, and he didn’t feel like that was the right moment to talk about everything that was wrong with his relationship with Namjoon. As much as he would have liked his friend to help him, he didn’t need other problems to think about now.

“Yeah Hobi, I know. Can we please talk about this another time? I have things to do”

He knew his voice had come out harsh, severe, almost rude, and he instantly regretted talking like that to his friend, but before he could say sorry someone called for him inside the atelier.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. See you next week?”

“Yeah, hyung. I’m sorry, you’re right, it’s not my place to tell you what to do. See you!”

The younger didn’t seem mad, maybe a bit hurt. Seokjin couldn’t really tell, so he just closed the call and got back to work, before the doubts and that unpleasant feeling that was starting to grow in his chest could start hurting him for real.

It was thursday night when Seokjin heard the bell of his apartment ring.

It was almost half past nine in the evening and he was already face down on the bed. He had worked non stop all week, even gaining multiple reproaches from his brother because he had often forgotten to eat.

He had stayed till late at night everyday at the atelier, and had woken up at ungodly hours of the morning to check the designs alone, before the place could get too crowded with his co-workers.

They were almost finished with the last review, but Jin knew he wouldn’t have relaxed until he had been able to see the clothes in front of him, ready to be distributed.

That night he had gone home a bit earlier to check the promotion campaign one last time before speaking with his press office the next day, but the moment he had entered his room he had fallen on the bed exhausted.

Taehyung was at Jungkook’s home because he had a flu and he wanted to take care of him. He had already called Jin an hour ago to remind him to eat and sleep early. He had also left him something in the fridge, but Jin actually just wanted to sleep.

The moment he heard the bell he thought for a moment of his little brother. Maybe he had come home to check if he had really eaten and had forgotten the keys. He reluctantly stood up from the bed to open the door.

When did, though, he immediately felt refreshed, like all his worries had been washed away by a sudden summer storm. The rain was, in this case, Kim Namjoon, and, in that moment, Jin thought he had never liked the rain so much before.

“I figured you would need a drink to cope with this week so I bought some!” he swung a bottle of alcohol in front of him and smiled.

Jin stood frozen for a second, looking between the alcohol and the man dumbly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, maybe this is a bad idea? You are probably with your brother…”

“No, no! Taehyung is with Jungkook and…” he interrupted him before Namjoon could start thinking he didn’t want him there.

He already felt a bit guilty because he hadn’t been able to call or text much. Most of all, though, he realized just in that moment, when he wasn’t in a rush and he had the younger there with him, that he had missed him like crazy.

“I’m so happy you are here!” he suddenly pulled him towards himself, tightly gripping his shoulders, to kiss him passionately, but also sloppily and messily.

Jin felt the other sighing against his lips and, with the hands on his waist, he melted in his touch, his lips moving on their own on the other’s. The usual warmth coming from the younger’s body made him feel relaxed for the first time in that week, and he couldn’t help but feel thankful for that.

“Thank you” he mumbled between kisses, while the other softly pushed him inside the house to close the door behind himself.

“For what?”

Jin moved to kiss Namjoon’s jaw and ear and he heard a low grunt from the latter at the action.

“For coming. I’m sorry I…”

“Hey” at that the younger cupped one of his cheeks with his hand to make the elder look at him in the eyes “Stop saying sorry. I’m happy you want me here, that’s more than enough”

They finally decided to move on the couch when they both were out of breath because of the kisses. Jin took something to eat out of the fridge and some glasses, and displayed it on the coffee table.

“I’m sorry for like...disappearing this week”

“I told you to stop saying sorry. You had things to do, that’s okay”

“Yes, but I barely even answered your texts, you must have thought I am a terrible date” he pouted, looking at the younger, waiting for a reaction that could show even some mild anger, but he didn’t find any.

“I think you are the best date, and you know that. I also think you are hardworking and I am really proud of you, but don’t tell anyone” he smirked at that and Seokjin laughed loudly.

He suddenly remembered their call from some days ago and he licked his lips nervously. He wanted to ask Namjoon if he was okay and if he had something he wanted to talk about, but he wasn’t able to do it, because Namjoon asked him about his new collection and he got lost in telling him all about it.

He was so excited he wasn’t able to stop, but the younger didn’t look bored, just amused.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked after some minutes.

“Like what?” Namjoon was now smiling and he got closer to Jin on the couch until he was able to wrap his arms around him, manhandling him until he made him lay on his chest with his back.

The latter gasped at the movement but, once he felt the contact with the man, he just sighed and snuggled close, hands playing with the younger’s fingers.

“I don’t know, like I am saying something really interesting, while you probably don’t even care that much about it”

He felt Namjoon kissing his temple and his cheek before gripping his chin to turn his head, just enough to kiss him on the lips.

“I care about what you say”

They kissed again and, between the slide of their lips, Seokjin found himself turning around in his arms. He nibbled at his lower lip to slide his tongue inside his mouth and deepen the kiss.

He was now laying between Namjoon’s legs, supporting himself on his shoulders, while the other held him by his waist. He felt his hands going under his shirt and he shivered pleasantly at the touch.

When he moved his hands to the younger’s nape and pulled his hair with a silent moan, Namjoon broke the kiss and looked at him.

“Is this okay?” he sounded breathless, but Jin was no less.

At the question they stared into each other’s eyes, Seokjin carding his fingers through the other’s locks, and Namjoon’s now red and swollen lips slightly parted.

“I-I want this” he closed his eyes at his stuttering, but continued after a deep breath. He wanted to tell Namjoon about his insecurities, because he liked him so much and didn’t want secrets or misunderstandings between them.

“It has just been a long time since I last dated someone” he looked down embarrassed “And I know I am almost thirty and I shouldn’t be embarrassed like I am, I don’t know, a fifteen years old kid, but…”

Namjoon grabbed his thighs at that, bringing him on his lap in one swift move, and Jin actually felt like he was about to swoon on the spot. He felt his already flushed face redden even more and he just waited with a heavy breath for the other to speak.

“You just need to talk to me” at that he kissed his neck “and tell me what you like”.

Every time he spoke he landed a kiss on his face, on his collarbones, behind his ear.

“Tell me what you want, I will give it to you”

Jin was lost in Namjoon’s whispers, in his deep voice filled with lust, in his lingering touches on his neck and on his arms.

His fingers moved to the front of Seokjin’s shirt to unbutton it slowly, letting it slide past his shoulders and admiring his bare chest and tummy with adoration. His fingertips started tracing his naked skin, the touch barely even there, strong gaze darting from his eyes to his body.

Jin just exposed his neck by tilting his head back, unable to hold the other’s glance. His fists clenched on Namjoon’s clothes as he bit and kissed every part of his body he could reach, taking his time to pay his respects to his body like he would have done to a king.

Jin felt in heaven. He didn’t remember ever feeling so worshipped, so special and unique. He felt like the other, with every touch and every kiss, was trying to tell him how much he cared for him, and Jin felt it all, heard it all clearly.

When he started to undress Namjoon back and saw the handsome man’s naked body, he stayed for some seconds looking at him, before he decided to show him how much he cared for the younger.

He started trailing his lips everywhere, as he felt the other fumbling to take away what was left of their clothes.

The room was now hot, sweat was starting to run down their backs. The dim lights of the room reflected in their eyes as they stared into each other every now and then, breath caught in their throat at the overwhelming sensation of being together, of being skin to skin.

Sometime after, when their clothes were already scattered all around the room and the food was cold and forgotten on the coffee table, Namjoon picked Seokjin up, sliding his hands to hold his thighs, while the elder gripped his waist with his legs tightly.

He clumsily walked them towards Seokjin’s room and, when the younger laid him down on the bed and looked at him, his hand moved to hold Namjoon’s.

The latter brought their intertwined hands to his mouth, and kissed gently Jin’s knuckles multiple times to calm him and reassure him that he was there with him, and he wouldn’t have left soon.

He also whispered it softly at some point during the night, when the moans and the pants were covering every other sound in the house, even in the whole world, actually.

Loving words and praises whispered in each other's ears, as their hands roamed and explored curiously. Suddenly every drop of fatigue and anxiety in Seokjin’s mind seemed to have evaporated in nothing but bliss and satisfaction.

The following hours were spent with pleasure filling their bodies and smiles widening on their faces.

When the moon was already high in the sky and their breaths had finally slowed down, they found themselves sprawled out on the bed, Jin once again leaning on the other’s chest, his head supported on Namjoon’s shoulder. The younger was encircling him with his arms, keeping him so close, like he was scared someone could take him away from him any time.

As the elder drew circles on the other’s thigh, looking at their intertwined legs, he bit his lips at the feeling that was rising inside his chest, a warm and delightful sensation that seemed to be erasing every other emotion.

“You are so perfect, hyung, sometimes I fail to believe you really exist” Namjoon sighed and kissed the top of his head “Even when I’m in class and I explain and talk about all those love poems, all those beautiful expressions of desire, and affection... Once I found them so magical and unreachable. I recognized their pleasantness, why they were all so appreciated all around the world, but I just thought it was impossible for someone to be as perfect as the people all those poets described. Now that I’ve met you, though, I just feel like not a single word I could think of from all those poems would be able to describe you in the right way, not even one of those works would make justice to the person you are”

With tears in his eyes, Seokjin turned around in his arms and cupped his cheeks, looking into his eyes.

“Not a single word would be enough to describe the way I feel when I am with you, hyung”

In the morning Seokjin woke up early when his alarm rang. Namjoon, on the other hand, hid his face in the pillow at the sound and got back to sleep soon after.

The elder smiled at him, at his naked frame sprawled on his sheets, at the wonderful man with whom he had spent the most beautiful night of his life with, then went to prepare something for breakfast.

When the pancakes were ready he ate some of them, and then filled one plate for Namjoon. He took it to his bedroom and he gently placed it on the bedside table. He seated down on the edge of the bed, leaning towards the younger to wake him up gently with a peck on his lips.

“Joonie” he whispered, earning just a grunt in response and arms hugging his waist tightly.

“Joonie, I have to go to work, but you can stay as much as you want” he kissed him again before trying to stand up to take a shower and get ready.

Namjoon, anyway, had other plans, and he just grunted again before pulling Jin in for a deep, lazy kiss, his eyes still closed.

“Joon, I really have to go, I’m sorry…” he chuckled against his lips and pulled away his arms from around himself to finally stand up.

The younger just let himself dramatically fall limp on the bed with an audible sigh, then moved to lay on the side, a hand supporting his head.

“See the mountains kiss high heaven, and the waves clasp one another; No sister-flower would be forgiven if it disdained its brother; And the sunlight clasps the earth and the moonbeams kiss the sea: what is all this sweet work worth if thou kiss not me?”

Jin turned towards him from his place in front of the closet and rolled his eyes.

“Why do you have to be so dramatic?”

“Because you want to go away and you are not giving me any more kisses. Percy Bysshe Shelley understood my struggle very well, why could you not?” he whined playfully and Jin could just laugh.

“I’m sure your mr. Bysshe Shelley is probably turning in his grave now at your improper use of his lines”

With that he kissed him once before going towards the bathroom with a giggle, when he heard him complain behind him.

As soon as he got out of the shower and he started dressing up in the bathroom, he heard Namjoon’s voice coming from his bedroom.

At first he thought he was talking to him so he opened the door to ask if he needed something, but when he did he noticed he was probably talking on the phone. He was addressing his mom and he seemed eager to cut it short.

Jin left the door open, and was about to go back into his room, but he stopped when he heard the younger talk again. From the bathroom he could hear him just fine, so he waited there and eavesdropped for some seconds.

He really didn’t mean to, he wasn’t his intention. He was mainly doing it to give him privacy for his call, but he was also interested in what he was saying, and also a bit confused.

“Yeah, she is very busy with work in these days, I don’t think she will be able to call you soon, mom”

Jin got closer to the door to hear better because the younger had lowered his voice.

“Soobin is good, oh my God mom, she is good, I promise…”

Jin gulped at the name and he felt his heart pick up its pace.

“Seriously? Are we really talking about wedding again?”

Now Seokjin was definitely panicking. His heart not only was beating like crazy, it was doing somersaults in his chest. He gulped and decided to go back into the room.

He didn’t feel well eavesdropping, mainly because it was just an easy way to misunderstand and create a mess out of what was now a beautiful and happy moment for them. He didn’t need a reason to ruin everything now.

When he got back, Namjoon wasn’t on the phone anymore. He seemed perfectly normal, his smile made the whole room bright and radiant. Seokjin couldn’t help but smile back at him and accept his kiss, when he stood up to hug him.

His still naked body against his made him dizzy, just like he had done the night before, and he couldn’t do anything but let himself drown in the pleasure of being this close to him.

Chapter Text

“How is it going?” Namjoon’s voice on the other end of the call was amused.

Jin had spent his lunch break texting the younger, who was still at work, about how one of the first dresses the production unit had sent him to check before proceeding with the making, wasn’t turning out the way he had expected. The moment Namjoon had seen the other’s text after his lesson, though, he had called him.

“Everything is a mess. My fabrics are late, this one dress is horrible and tomorrow I have to give the production unit a solution to make it at least good and don’t stop the entire process”

Jin sighed and put the call on speaker while he hid his head in his arms, his forehead on the desk of his studio. He was alone and he allowed himself to breathe as he heard Namjoon moving.

“Baby?”

Jin squeezed his eyes shut and felt his cheeks growing hot and red at the small word.

It had been some days since Namjoon had started calling him that more often. Even if before he would have never thought he could ever get used to that so easily, he had found himself liking and enjoying the sweetness in the man’s tone every time he said that.

That made him feel warm and dumbly happy.

Jin didn’t know he would be one to give in so fast to being weak to simple, cheesy gestures like that, but here he was, melting because of Namjoon calling him pet names.

He remembered with a grimace every time he had made fun of Taehyung and Jungkook for always using pet names with each other.

“Yes?” he answered with a low voice, glancing at the screen of his phone, almost as if he would be able to spot the smirk he knew the other was now sporting on his face.

“Baby, you are an amazing fashion designer. All your pieces are unique and elegant. I know you can do this”

Namjoon spoke softly, and Jin closed his eyes and imagined he was whispering every sweet word in his ear.

“How do you know?”

He didn’t sound sure, but Namjoon was.

“I just know it”

Jin waited for a moment and sighed again before speaking.

“Well, maybe the dress isn’t that horrible… I think it just needs a bit more tulle…” he murmured as he heard Namjoon chuckle “And the other pieces are ready, I just need to check some things…”

Jin smiled to himself as they both stayed silent for some seconds.

“How do you do it?” Jin asked after shaking his head with a small laughter.

“How do I do what?” Namjoon’s tone was still playful.

“You always manage to calm me down and find a way to ease my tension. Before I met you I was able to deal with my stress just fine, I think… But now that I got used to you helping me, I’m not actually sure how I was able to do it anymore…”

Jin was feeling giddy, but how Namjoon’s presence in his life was becoming everyday more important actually scared him. He had never leaned on anyone, not once in his whole life after his parents’ accident, not even on his aunt.

Even though he had always done everything by himself, always dealt with every problem without any help, nothing in the last weeks seemed to work anymore against his worries and stress better than hearing Joon’s voice, having him hold his hand and caressing his cheek before leaving a peck there.

Once he had tasted the sweetness of his loving cure and attention, Seokjin had found himself unable to hold back from looking for it everytime he needed it.

Namjoon was always happy to help him and Jin was grateful, but everything was also new and unexpected. The power the younger held over him always made him speechless.

“Is that a bad thing?”

Namjoon was always worried about overstepping and Jin was grateful for that too.

“No it’s… intense”

Seokjin took a deep breath and stood up, picking up some documents and drawings, aiming to go to his assistant to check that one last dress and finally find a solution for it.

“I want to see you” Namjoon said firmly.

The two hadn’t been able to see each other for some days because of Jin’s busy days and tired evenings. He had tried apologising a thousand times, but everytime the younger had shut him up with a kiss.

Every night he could, Seokjin went to Namjoon’s house after work. He always found a hot dinner there (usually from the restaurant nearby because he still didn’t know how to cook) and open arms in which he was happy to dwell.

Namjoon was refreshing and comfortable, with his kind words, his big smiles and those endearing dimples. His kisses were loving and sweet, like anything else Seokjin had ever tasted in his whole life.

However, the elder was overwhelmed by the upcoming launch of his new collection and he didn’t want to be a bother.

“I’m staying here till late at night today, I’m sorry… Maybe we can see each other-”

“I’m coming to the atelier later and I’m bringing food” the younger interrupted before he could speak further. Jin smiled and rubbed his nose shyly. He looked around, worried that someone could be able to spot his red ears.

“But I’ll be busy and grumpy”

“And I’ll kiss you until you won’t be grumpy anymore” he stubbornly retorted. Jin found that absolutely adorable.

“That way you’ll distract me!”

He heard Namjoon huff and groan, and he chuckled.

“Okay. I’ll bring food, then I’ll kiss you for a bit and I’ll help you with whatever you need”

Jin bit his lips for a second and rolled his eyes, but he felt his heart beating faster in anticipation.

When Namjoon had arrived at the atelier that evening he had done exactly as he had promised.

After waving with a big smile at the few people who were still at work, he had walked towards Seokjin, who was revising some designs, with a bag full of food.

The elder hadn’t even had time to greet him, that the man had brought him closer with his free hand on his lower back and he had captured his lips with his own in a soft kiss.

Jin had been caught off guard but, as soon as he had felt the warm proximity of Namjoon’s body and his smile between the kisses, he had immediately slid his own arms around his waist, melting under his touch.

“Hi” Jin mumbled when Namjoon finally detached himself from the kiss and pecked his cheek.

“Hi”

They looked into each other's eyes for a second, one of Seokjin’s hands going up to brush the younger’s hair and the latter hugging him tightly against him by the waist. They spent some seconds in that position, until they finally realised a few of Jin’s coworkers were giggling and glancing at them.

It was dinner time, so not many people were there, but Jin’s closest colleagues were and they had all been teasing him since the first time they had seen Namjoon at the atelier.

They both smiled at the curious glances that they were directing towards them, and they detached from each other slowly, linking their hands together.

“Can you take a break? I brought dinner!” Namjoon lifted the bag and Jin nodded at him, still smiling.

They moved away the pile of things that were occupying his work table before settling their food down.

Seokjin was munching on his meat when he felt the other looking at him from his side. He was suppressing a smile by biting his upper lip.

The elder tilted his head in confusion because Namjoon seemed to be thinking about saying something. Before he could ask him if everything was okay, Namjoon leaned towards him and swiped the corner of his lips with his thumb.

Jin felt himself blushing, but he smiled at the man nonetheless.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself” Namjoon whispered, his face still close to Seokjin’s.

With his eyes on his lips and a smug grin on his face, he went to peck his lips sweetly.

Spending time with Namjoon was easy.

Jin never needed to worry about anything when they were together. He always felt light, peaceful.

He didn’t need to appear perfect nor to work harder to do better: Namjoon was there to reassure him about how beautiful and strong he was anyway. He always reminded him with sweet words that he deserved a break sometimes.

Seokjin rarely allowed himself to stop and breathe, but Namjoon didn’t hesitate to tell him how much he actually needed it.

So, a week after, when he had finally given in the last revision of his new collection and once he was sure the production was finally going smoothly, he decided to finally listen to Namjoon's advice and he started coming home earlier.

Taehyung was the happiest of them all when he noticed the change in his brother's attitude and he even thanked the professor after a lesson.

He was sure it was Namjoon’s doing because, everytime his brother came home at an acceptable hour of the evening, he always received a call after some minutes of being home and that call always made him giggle and blush like crazy.

Jin was thankful and happy too, of course.

Even though it was difficult to admit it for the man, the thought of someone finally taking care of him made him feel so good that sometimes, in the dark of his room, after receiving a last good night message from the younger, he actually felt like his chest was about to explode from happiness.

Taehyung had always tried to ease the pressure on his back since he had started to grow up, but Seokjin had never let his little brother take responsibilities he himself could take. He always told him he was too proud and he knew he was right, he just couldn’t stop his sense of protection.

He had always been happy to take care of Taehyung, though, he was his family, everything.

On the other hand, though, basking in the comfort Namjoon gave him with his own sense of protection had the power of making him feel things he had never experienced before.

Not ever with his partners. Not ever with his friends.

He didn’t remember it very well, but maybe he had felt this safe just with his parents. When they were all together, in each other’s embrace.

All his initial worries about being with someone after so much time spent alone were only forgotten and replaced by tenderness everytime Namjoon slept beside him. On those nights he had started to convince himself that he didn’t need much more than his presence in his life to finally feel whole.

Not just apparently satisfied, full of things to do and thoughts, but finally full of sweetness, something he hadn’t felt from someone who wasn’t from his family for a long time.

Although they had decided to go slow, they soon found out they couldn’t be far from the other for too much time, so the younger’s house had become a second home for Jin. They didn’t ask themselves too many questions, they simply enjoyed each other’s company. They were too happy to find time to define what they were, and they both seemed content with that.

Taehyung often tried to convince his brother to bring Namjoon home for one of their usual sunday family lunches, but Jin still wasn’t sure.

They had known each other for something more than two months now, and Jin was well acquainted with the fact that Namjoon was in a serious relationship just some weeks before their first kiss.

Plus, despite everything good that came with being with Namjoon, Seokjin’s guarded self couldn’t stop thinking about Hoseok’s words of some time before.

The two hadn’t talked much in the last weeks, but when the latter had finally come to the atelier to try his suit. Even though he hadn’t addressed the topic after the way Jin had reacted on the phone the last time, the elder was sure he was, if not worried, thoughtful about their relationship.

Namjoon hadn’t told him anything about speaking with Hobi, so he assumed also the two friends hadn’t touched the topic.

“Sometimes he tends to keep everything to himself. Every problem, every insecurity…”

Seokjin had remembered his friend’s words during their meeting at the atelier, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to ask him more.

He was sure Namjoon’s actions and words towards him were real, he had no doubt about that. He was also sure he hadn’t been that happy with someone in years and he couldn’t think of the possibility of losing it all after such a short time.

Still, Hoseok words seemed to be embedded in his mind, and, even if during the last weeks, because of all his schedule and things to think about, he hadn’t had that much time to linger on their meaning, once he had finally found time to focus on them, he often stopped to reflect.

And not only on that.

Another thing often started to bother his otherwise peaceful dreams.

At first he had tried to blatantly ignore the uncomfortable feelings that had bloomed in his chest the morning in which he had heard Namjoon talking with his mother on the phone, but he couldn’t deny that the part of the conversation he had overheard, had been, in fact odd.

He wasn’t a teenager, he knew overhearing a conversation could bring nothing but misunderstandings. He didn’t think he could rely that much on the short part of the call he had heard, but the sting that just those few words had caused in his heart, still made him gulp and breathe heavily every time he remembered them.

He was a weak man though. Weak for Namjoon at least.

It was a sunday afternoon at the younger’s apartment, when the thought of his words on the phone suddenly came to his mind, like it had already happened to him often in the last days.

He felt his own face darken out of nowhere and he turned his glance towards the man who was laying his head on his lap.

Namjoon was intent on watching a movie and he didn’t notice Jin staring at him until the movement of his gentle fingers stroking his hair came to a stop. At that he looked up at the man with a peaceful smile, dimples on full display and eyes kind and slightly closed because of the stretch of his lips.

And Jin really wanted to ask, he really did. He wanted to clear his clouded mind, he wanted to shut up the voice that sometimes messed with his head.

But Namjoon was everything he had always looked for, he was everything he needed. And he was there with him, he was so close to him.

He brought him food and called him everytime he could after his classes. He smiled at him like he was the most beautiful person in the whole world, he whispered sweet nothings to him during the nights he was restless because of something and lulled him to sleep.

He kissed him like he wanted to keep him forever, and he made love to him like he wanted to be kept forever.

And Seokjin wanted to keep him.

He wanted him so much that everytime Namjoon looked at him with his gentle eyes he wasn’t able to bring himself to say anything.

That day it was no different. While looking at his handsome features, he smiled back and he kissed his forehead gently, forgetting everything once again.

“I’m back!” Jin shouted while he was taking off his shoes.

It was a friday night and Namjoon was busy with some colleagues that night, so they had just seen each other in the morning and then they had planned on going out on saturday.

“We’re in the kitchen! Dinner is ready!”

Taehyung and Jungkook were, apparently, already home.

When he stepped inside the kitchen and looked up he was met with the boys smiling faces turned towards him. And their newly dyed cherry hair.

“What the fuck?!”

Taehyung laughed brightly at his shock and Jungkook scratched his arm after shrugging.

“Do you like it?”

Taehyung’s previously dark brown locks had been replaced with a pastel, pink color, while Jungkook had cut his own hair and he was sporting the same shade.

“You- you dyed your hair pink?”

“We did!” Taehyung spinned around to show his new hair better and Jungkook circled his waist with his arm, grinning at Seokjin.

“Taetae wanted to do something special and funny for our fifth anniversary and this is his idea!”

“Oh, I have no doubt it was his idea…”

Jin had always known his brother was eccentric and he had often dyed his hair when he was younger, but it had been some years since he had last done it. Plus, Jungkook didn’t seem the type to like such bright colors on himself, but Jin supposed he was simply genetically incapable of saying no to his boyfriend. Nothing new, actually...

“You don’t like it?” Taehyung pouted and Jin shook his head before smiling at them.

“No, I like it! It’s cheerful and it suits you both, I am just surprised”

They ate dinner together that evening, and the day after he told Namjoon everything about his crazy family’s change of look.

They had decided on staying in at the younger’s apartment because, even though the spring had already come, that day was raining heavily and lightnings had been brightening up the sky all morning, all the while filling every silence with their deep, furious rumble.

“They really have both cherry hair now? Like a ‘couple hair dye’?”

Namjoon seemed amused and Jin couldn’t blame him.

“That’s cute, though… They are cute! How long have they been together?”

Namjoon was sipping on his hot chocolate and Jin was beside him on the small couch, his legs on his lap.

“Like… their whole life?” he chuckled as he tried to recall the first time he had seen Jungkook at their house.

He was a skinny, shy, boy with bunny teeth and a kind smile. He and Taehyung still lived with their aunt at the time and the two boys were in the same class at school.

“I clearly remember my ten years old brother ranting to me about this new kid in his class while having a snack after school. He told me everything about how Jungkook loved Iron Man and videogames and he immediately asked my aunt to invite him over that weekend”

Seokjin squirmed on the couch and laid his head on the armrest, stretching his legs further onto Namjoon’s lap, then he put away his hot chocolate and took his hand in his own.

“From that day they became best friends. But Taehyung is charismatic and he has a bubbly personality, it’s easy to like him, while Jungkook, as you too told me, is more reserved. When people started asking Taehyung out or they started giving him gifts on his birthday in middle school, Jungkook wasn’t able to hide his sulking, to say the least...”

“And Taehyung? Did he like Jungkook too from the start?”

“Taehyung was more oblivious, I think? But I knew he liked him back. When he understood that too he panicked. He was scared to lose him as a friend, but it was obvious they both felt the same”

“Loving is scary at any age, and they were just teenagers… I don’t blame them for being worried about the outcomes”

Jin looked at Namjoon at the words and he found him looking nowhere in particular. His gaze was lost somewhere in front of him. His hand was still tightly holding the elder’s one, but he suddenly looked distant, his mind wandering places Seokjin wasn’t exactly sure he could reach.

“Sometimes he tends to keep everything to himself”

After some seconds of serious silence, Namjoon turned around and looked in his direction, even if not exactly at him. It was like he was trying to see Seokjin, but he wasn’t able to, almost as if a thick fog was clouding his vision and blurring his mind.

The other tried searching for his gaze and cleared his throat before whispering “Yeah, I-I tried my best to help the both of them and just… be there, I think”

Namjoon finally blinked rapidly at the words and smiled softly, his gaze now finally on Seokjin, really looking at him.

“I’m sure you did. You are easy to talk to, I would have been glad to have someone like you to talk to about love at their age”

Seokjin gulped at that.

He wasn’t sure why, but the way Namjoon had spoken, the look on his face, the words that he had let out of his lips, almost as if he had tried to keep them inside for as long as he could, until they had just been able to escape, immediately caused a strange feeling to set in his stomach.

“Every problem, every insecurity…”

Hoseok’s warnings were coming back to fill his mind once again and he shifted in his seat, aiming to get closer to Namjoon and finally push himself to ask everything he hadn’t still been able to ask.

He was scared, sure, but he was more scared of Namjoon not being able to talk to him, to tell him if something was bothering him.

He had never felt like Namjoon was actually hiding something from him. He had never felt discomfort in his presence or else, but if Hoseok was right he was good at hiding things. He was good at hiding how he really felt, and his last words were certainly hiding something underneath.

Namjoon wasn’t one to stop himself from talking further, from explaining something or engage in conversation. For the first time, though, that day Seokjin felt like his words were not expressing what he really wanted to say, and, most of all, that he really didn’t want to say anything more.

He saw Namjoon turning around as soon as the words had come out. He was him threading a hand through his hair and he heard him splutter nonsense for some seconds before standing up from the couch.

“Joonie…” he tried, but he couldn’t continue because the other’s phone suddenly rang, and he took the opportunity to excuse himself and get out of the living room.

Seokjin stayed seated on the couch, his hands in his lap.

The rain outside had finally stopped, but he didn’t notice that until a sudden ray of sunlight peeked from between the curtains and enlightened a spot on the wall in front of him.

He looked up and found a photograph hanged there, one he had never really noticed before.

He stood up to see it up close and sighed when he noticed it was a photo of Namjoon with his family.

He must have been thirteen or so in the photo, and his parents stood behind him smiling, his dad’s hand on his shoulder and his arm around his wife’s shoulders. They looked happy. Jin remembered he had a picture like that with his parents and Taehyung too.

When Namjoon came back from his call after some minutes he didn’t give time to the elder to bring up his previous words again. He distracted him with what one of his friends from England had told him on the phone and he ended up falling asleep on the couch with a book in his hands, while Seokjin checked some work things on his laptop.

They say love is blind.

Seokjin had never been blind in front of anything. Always attentive, with his guard up, his eyes wide open.

Seokjin had always been proud of how he could read people. He could spot lies in others’ words in the snap of a finger, he had always been good at that, at work and in his private life.

He had never realised how much he had actually always fooled himself, though.

Maybe he had been good before, but that was until he had met Kim Namjoon.

That was when he was forced to admit that love is, in fact, blind.

“I think I’m falling in love with you”

Namjoon had whispered those words at three in the morning, while his chest was pressed to Seokjin’s and their noses were touching. The naked skin of their heated bodies in contact, their dark gazes interwined.

Jin at the words had felt a warm tear escaping his eye and then rolling down his cheek, a firm hand already there waiting to catch it and caress the spot it had wetted.

Namjoon was beautiful as he hovered over him. His brown locks were messy as Seokjin tugged at the short hair in the back of his head, his arms strong as they embraced his body, his want almost screamed by his desperate movements.

His body and his love bare in front of Seokjin.

“I think I’m falling in love with you” Seokjin had repeated to him in a whisper, his voice so small nobody would have ever been able to hear it except for Namjoon, who immediately swallowed the words along with his kisses.

Outside of the house a lightning had surprised the sky with his force and fury in that exact moment, scaring the night so much that the clouds had started crying in fear.

Crying in love.

The day after Namjoon came to Seokjin’s house to attend his usual family sunday lunch, and the two of them, Taehyung, Jungkook and Jungkook's parents found themselves awkwardly seated at his kitchen table.

Seokjin was nervous because they hadn’t known each other for that much and he had never brought anyone to his sunday lunches. They had never even discussed going together at one, Jin had just suggested it mindlessly during their shower together in the morning.

Namjoon, on the other hand, had been immediately at ease with the idea, so after some seconds of amused looks between the sunday guests, one of Taehyung’s warm laughs had been enough to make everyone relax and enjoy the food Jin had prepared.

Everyone was comfortable in Namjoon’s presence (not that it was difficult for him to put people at ease) and, surprisingly, nobody asked embarrassing questions, not even his brother, which in fact made everything easier.

“I like him. He looks like a good person and he likes you a lot” Jungkook’s mother told him while they were cleaning the kitchen together.

Seokjin glanced at the man, who was now seated on the couch with Jungkook’s father talking about some random book. He had his glasses on and he was stunning, to say the least.

“I don’t want to ask you too many questions... Jungkookie told me you haven’t known each other for that long and I know you” she looked at him with squinted eyes at that. She really knew him.

“I’m just happy to see you happy”

Taehyung had told him the same so many times before too, so, apparently, Seokjin was even more obvious than what he thought. He didn't really mind, though.

On a warm day of may Jin decided to call Namjoon during a break.

“Yes?”

The younger’s voice sounded annoyed on the phone and other people talking could be heard around him.

“Hi… I’m sorry, am I bothering you?”

Namjoon sighed deeply and more noise was heard before silence finally came, along with his voice.

“No, it’s not that… I’m sorry, that was rude”

“No! I called you during work, it’s okay if you are busy. I just wanted to tell you that the date for the launch of my collection has been decided. It will be in two weeks, so make sure to be free! We will have a fashion show and a buffet! It will be fancy so I’ll make sure to find the perfect suit for you too”

Jin was happy for the upcoming launch of his collection. He had spent almost a year working on it and a lot of talk was being done around it online. Expectations were high and Jin wanted to do good.

Namjoon had never failed to support him throughout the last months of preparation and he seemed even more excited than him.

“Oh, yes sure…” right now Seokjin wouldn’t have used the word ‘excited’ to describe Namjoon’s tone on the phone.

“Is everything okay? If you want I can call you later, or we can see each other tonight-”

“No, tonight I can’t, I’m sorry” Namjoon immediately cut him off. He almost sounded cold, something he had never been around Jin “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah…”

That sunday Seokjin thought it would be better to not invite Namjoon to their family dinner. He had looked oddly distant during the whole week and, even though Jin desperately wanted to ask him about it, he also didn’t want to bother him.

Namjoon was also always so kind and understanding with him, always respecting his limits, and he would have wanted to do the same.

He pondered for days which would have been the better way to talk to him, not only about his strange behaviour, but also about everything that had made Seokjin worried in the past weeks.

He would have wanted to ask Hoseok. He had also called him once or twice, but he had never managed to find the right words.

Seokjin hated not being able to express his worries, just like Hobi had told him Namjoon did. They were so similar in that sense, and Jin had never even realised it before he had been forced to face the reality of the situation: he had spent so much time alone, only worrying about his job and his brother duties, that now it was difficult for him to understand other people’s feelings.

He felt everything with Namjoon, every tremble of his own body every time he touched him, and he felt his heart clenching pleasantly at every sweet word or gesture. He felt everything so strongly that sometimes he was scared that his feelings would have ended up destroying him.

But those feelings had also the power of leaving him speechless and weak, so weak that now he felt selfish.

Selfish for not being able to help Namjoon for whatever problem he had, selfish for wanting to stay in the dark rather than asking him about that call and all his strange behaviours.

It was certainly easier that way, staying in the dark, but Jin didn’t want it to be easier, he wanted it to be real.

At the same time, though, he didn’t know how to act. Fear paralized him.

Fear of messing up, fear of saying the wrong words, fear of scaring or disappointing Namjoon, fear of losing him.

So he didn’t move, he didn’t say anything, he just tried his best to call and text him, to be gentle and sweet. He tried his best to express everything with his own means while he looked for a better way to help the both of them.

He recognised his limits, but he really wanted to be better, even though Namjoon, if he had noticed them, had never made a big deal out of it.

The younger’s mood seemed to get better as the days passed by, even though they didn’t see each other much, due to some work schedules at university.

On monday, then, he invited Seokjin to his apartment for dinner. He brought wine and they ate junk food.

Namjoon seemed perfectly normal that night, his smiles always warm and kind and his hands gentle as he caressed Seokjin.

That made him relax and pushed him to at least try to talk, if not about Namjoon, at least about himself.

He knew he couldn’t go on like this, lying to himself like it was nothing, so he took a deep breath and took the words out.

“I’m sorry if sometimes I’m... “ he sighed as he felt fingers carding through his dark locks.

Jin was facing Namjoon on his bed, their bodies close, breaths steady and eyes sleepy. He groaned, looking for the right words.

“I’m sorry if I don’t always know how to comfort you or be helpful the way you are with me” his voice was barely audible now and his eyes were closed as he leaned his forehead on Namjoon’s.

He put a hand on the other’s naked chest and felt his heartbeat under his palm, a rhythm that helped him calm down.

“Hey, what are you talking about, hyung?” Namjoon gently asked, his voice calm and soft, just like a warm breeze.

“No, Joonie, I know I’m not good at talking and, you know… being a support for you. We all have hardships and I don’t want you to think I take your support for granted. I’m not good but I can try. I want you to know I’m here for you if you need me, I can listen and I can…”

“Hey, you… Baby, why are you bringing this up all of a sudden?” he traced a line on Jin’s cheek and chin with a finger and he got closer to him, tangling their legs together and looking intently into his eyes.

“Because you are always so kind and I just feel selfish sometimes… Like, you listen to me and all that but I never do anything in return…”

“Hyungie, I don’t stay by your side to receive something in return…” he shook his head, holding his face tighter with his hand “I’m happy when I get to help you! You already do so much for the others, also for me, so don’t even try to say you are selfish”

Seokjin chuckled with fondness at Namjoon’s reaction, his hands moving from his chest to his neck and feeling the muscles and the smooth skin there.

He leaned down to kiss him, trailing his lips from his collarbones to his jaw, then he went to kiss the crook of his neck and stopped there, mumbling against his body.

“I’m sorry anyway… These days I would have wanted to ask what was bothering you, but I didn’t know how...”

Namjoon’s body tensed in front of him, his breath caught in his throat.

Seokjin looked up at him and found him licking his lips, his eyes closed as he sighed.

“It’s not your fault I was being an asshole, hyung. I am the one who should say sorry for behaving like shit and not even explaining why” Namjoon sounded angry with himself as he spoke, his jaw clenched.

The elder kissed there again and then moved to his lips, a hand going to relax the tense muscles on his back.

They kissed slowly, lips sliding wetly together and tongues meeting with soft sounds.

“It wasn’t about you last week” the younger whispered against his cheek “I’m sorry I made you worried”

Jin touched his nose with a finger to make him smile, and he grinned back as soon as he saw dimples appearing on the man’s face.

“Are you okay now? Do you want advice or something?”

They chuckled, but Namjoon shook his head and moved a hand toward his lower back, bringing him closer and making their chests press tighter together, hot skin on hot skin as his fingers gripped his waist in a tight hug.

Namjoon was everywhere. On his skin, mirrored in his eyes, in the fingers that were tracing the lines of his body, in the scent that filled the whole house and the air surrounding him.

He was breathing Namjoon, he was feeling him deep in his mind, in his heart, embedded in his soul.

Seokjin held his breath at the feelings flowing over him and observed him as he spoke with a firm tone.

“I’m always good when we are together, do you still not know it? Do you not understand the way your only presence in my life makes me ecstatic?”

Seokjin looked into his eyes at that, words sinking in while they hugged tightly and kissed some more.

“So…” he murmured playfully when they detached from each other “are we boyfriends now?”

They had joked about the word before, but they had never really used it to define themselves. In that moment, though, it seemed right to bring it up, just to feel how it would have sounded, how it would have felt on his tongue.

Jin didn’t really expect Namjoon to answer seriously, but then he saw him nodding with a big smile, his eyes sure and real, and Seokjin decided that was the best word he could have ever pronounced in that moment.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms, the most perfect place in which they could desire to be, and dreamed of each other, the rain falling on them, a dim light coming from some street lamps and the river as their witness.

At Jin’s collection launch everyone was invited: Taehyung and Jungkook arrived in advance to help the staff fix the last details, while Jungkook’s parents and Seokjin’s aunt were the first to enter as soon as the doors of the fashion show venue opened.

Hoseok and Jimin arrived soon after with a huge bouquet of flowers and a letter attached.

Hobi was wearing the suit his friend had designed for him and he had a big smile on his face as soon as Jin went to hug him.

The elder would have wanted to talk to him, and he felt like the other was stopping himself from speaking too, but he was too excited and focused on the event of the day to think about something else.

Plus, since the talk he and Namjoon had had in bed some days before, the younger had been all over Jin, even more than before.

He had helped him almost everyday after work at the atelier, despite the fashion designer telling him multiple times that it wasn’t necessary and that he had a whole staff to help him. He just refused to listen and he continued bringing him coffee and sweets at every time of the day and the night.

Plus, the way he acted when they were alone had become so loving and dreamy, that Jin had seriously started to think that all his doubts had only been produced by his overthinking mind because there was no possibility in the world that this man was hiding something from him.

He was all too much. All too sweet, all too kind, all too understanding. He wanted Jin so openly it was difficult for the latter to even try to resist him.

As soon as they entered Namjoon’s apartment at night, he didn’t even let him properly take off his shoes before pushing him against the nearest wall and kissing him senseless, his hands roaming on his whole body hungrily, until they were both flushed red and out of breath.

He devoured Jin with his eyes whenever he saw him, he touched him like it would have been the last thing he would ever do.

Given all this, it wasn’t a surprise for Seokjin when it dawned on him.

After he had checked the makeup for one of his models one last time in the backstage of the show, he looked towards the other side of the room, where Namjoon had spent almost an hour helping someone from the staff fix a dress.

He laughed, despite the nervousness that had been caging him for days, at how the other’s brows were furrowed while looking at the unfamiliar cloth in front of him.

He thought about how the professor had woken him up at seven in the morning that day with a kiss, knowing how he absolutely despised the sound of the alarm, and he had also stayed up till late at night to calm him down, using chamomile and warm hugs.

He thought about how he had accompanied him there and how he had helped even putting up the stage for the show because the workers needed some extra help.

When Namjoon looked up, a bright smile immediately bloomed on his face as they locked gazes and Jin held his breath.

He gulped as he accepted it, as he understood it.

He was desperately in love with that man.

He wasn’t just falling in love, he had already fallen and he was now buried under the pile of destructive, but so beautiful, feelings towards Namjoon.

He loved his eyes and his dimples, his soft hair and his strong scent, the way he talked and spoke about poetry and literature. He loved his body and how strongly he held him. He loved how he had been able to understand him and all his quirks so fast, how he had accepted them and appreciated them. He loved how he kissed him and touched him, how he made love to him and how out of this world that made him feel. He loved his hands, his glasses, his arms.

Everything.

Namjoon was everything and Jin was lost.

The fashion show was great and people were enthusiastic after seeing the new clothes.

A lot of reporters and fashion journalists, along with other stylists, had come to the event and Jin had to answer dozens of questions about the collection and his next goals.

The success was huge and Jin felt so grateful. All his hard work had been rewarded and people were starting to notice his ability and capacity.

Taehyung cried and hugged him tightly that day like when he was a kid. His pink locks soft under his brother’s hand when he caressed him and kissed his forehead.

“Thank you, hyung, thank you so much. I’m so proud of you, so, so proud” he mumbled between tears, eyes inspecting Seokjin's face, holding his hands and kissing them.

Jin felt a tear roll down his own cheek as he looked at his little brother.

He remembered all the lonely nights in their new apartment, right after they had moved in together.

After Taehyung went to bed he always stayed up late to study and finish his designs, and he also always woke up early in the morning to prepare breakfast and leave for work.

He remembered the first time he had brought Taehyung and Jungkook to the place he had bought for his atelier, the smiles on their faces and his own happiness at the thought of starting to finally live his dream.

He looked into his brother’s eyes and, like it always happened whenever he did that, he saw their father. He imagined how proud he would have been of him.

He was sure his parents would have loved being there with him that day, his creations all around them and everyone appreciating his work. They were always so supportive of him when they were alive, always buying cloth for him, one time also a sewing machine.

They would have cried of happiness if they were there.

Taehyung and Seokjin surely cried of happiness, holding tight onto each other, almost feeling their parents hugging them back, in their hearts and in their memories.

Namjoon kissed him as he turned to him, his hands on his cheeks as he repeated to him how absolutely amazing he was, how proud he should have been of himself and of everything he had done.

He kissed him so hard Seokjin felt his lips going numb, but they didn’t stop until Taehyung separated them with an amused snort, reminding them of how many people were around.

When their aunt met Namjoon she hugged him tightly too and made him promise to come to dinner sometime.

In the following days the atelier received call after call, from stylists, magazines and shops all around Seoul. Everybody was crazy for his collection.

When, many days later, Jin finally decided to visit Namjoon at work for the first time, it was already summer and the weather was hot.

While the other had come to the atelier countless times, he had never gone to the college to see him, so that day he decided to surprise him and eat lunch together.

He knew on wednesdays he didn’t have lesson until late afternoon, so he decided to look for the faculty lounge and try to see if he could find him there.

He had asked Taehyung that morning for directions and he walked through the hallways for some time before finding the room.

Once inside he asked a middle aged woman for his boyfriend, but he immediately turned around when he heard Namjoon’s voice right behind him.

“Joonie!” he exclaimed when he saw him coming towards the room with a man by his side.

He waited with a smile for his usual bright greeting, a warm hug and kiss, dimples on full display and sweet words.

But all of that never came.

As soon as Namjoon noticed him he stopped talking and walking. He freezed on the spot and he gulped as his face became pale.

The man beside him looked between Jin and Namjoon with a confused look before touching the latter’s shoulder.

“Hey, is everything okay?” he asked. Namjoon suddenly came back from his trance and blinked.

Jin made a step closer to the couple and smiled shyly at them, unsure of what to do and a bit disappointed at the professor’s reaction.

“Yes, it’s okay, it’s just…” Namjoon was visibly speechless, but he tried to splutter some words while the other two men looked every second more confused.

An awful feeling made its way through Seokjin’s insides and he was sure he was growing pale too.

“Hyung, this is Min Yoongi, he teaches here at university too” the man looked at him and bowed with a smile.

Jin smiled back and waited for Namjoon to speak again, but he seemed to be struggling to do it.

“And this is Seokjin, he is…” the younger looked at Seokjin, his eyes wide and lost in his own.

He tried to understand what he was trying to tell him with that look, he really tried, but all he could see was guilt.

Namjoon gulped and looked away, his gaze going to fix on an undetermined spot in front of him as he pronounced the next words.

“He is a friend”

His voice had been barely audible, but the sound had ringed in Jin’s ears like the most obnoxious alarm.

It was like a thousand voices started screaming in his head all at once, while the ground under his feet gave in and swallowed his entire body and soul, burying him in the depth of the earth.

He felt his legs becoming heavy and his mind cloudy.

Suddenly everything around him became hot and suffocating, the lights became too bright and the sounds too loud.

Seokjin looked at Namjoon, hoping that he had got it all wrong, that he hadn’t heard his words right, but the other still wasn’t looking at him and he was instead focusing on telling something to the man beside him.

The elder couldn't hear a single word, though.

He couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even stand on his feet anymore. He felt his body shaking with tears, but not a single drop rolled on his cheeks.

Someone was calling for him, but he didn’t pay attention. He couldn’t pay attention.

Everything lost focus, light and smell. The world turned upside down and Jin lost his way.

Friend.

Now worried eyes were surely on him, but Jin couldn’t feel, he couldn’t see.

Friend.

Namjoon hadn’t lied to him, right? Jin knew him, he was for real. His touches were real, his gazes were real, his kisses were real, his words were real.

Friend.

When he looked back at Namjoon, blinking as he tried to see him in the broken display of the world in front of him, he noticed something similar to tears in his red eyes, but he didn’t see them fall.

The younger just looked at him with that damn guilt in his eyes. Seokjin couldn’t bear it.

He loved him and he still couldn’t bear seeing him in pain, feeling guilty, but still…

Friend.

He ran.

He tried to control his legs enough to not stumble on his own feet and he ran away. He ran past the classrooms and the hallways of the college, until he reached the front door and pushed it open.

He could have stayed, he could have asked, he could have yelled. But he ran. He ran away because nothing made sense.

What sense could it make to say that word right in front of his eyes? What sense could it make to lie like that, knowing that he was listening, that he was right there?

What was he expecting from him? To not say anything, to just nod and smile?

Nothing made sense.

Memories of a strange morning call, of sudden and inexplicable rude words, came back to him. Silences he had chosen to ignore came to knock on his door, a door he didn’t even have to open for those silences to come inside and break him into pieces.

He ran towards his car and ignored the people around him because those words and those silences were everything he could hear and feel.

Once inside the car he finally felt the tears.

They started streaming down his face all together while his phone started ringing like crazy.

Jin covered his ears, trying to muffle the sound, and he continued crying and sobbing desperately.

Friend.

He took his phone out, but he didn’t answer. On the contrary he went to the contacts list and called a familiar number.

He ignored the signals of other incoming calls as he waited for an answer from the other side of the line. It didn’t take long before a bright voice resonated in his ears.

“Hyung! It’s good to hear you, how…”

“Hobi” he tried to speak, but his voice was hoarse and almost inaudible. It was enough to interrupt the other, anyway, and to make him speak again in a much worried tone.

“Hyung, what’s happening? Are you okay?”

“I need... “ more tears and sobs came out along with the words “Namjoon… he-”

“Where are you hyung? I’ll come to you” rustling sounds were heard, along with Hoseok’s concerned question.

“At… t-the college… Joonie, he-” Jin rested his forehead on the wheel and tried to calm the trembling of his hands. The signal of new incoming calls was still persistent.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes, hyung… I’m so sorry, please breathe, wait for me”

Minutes passed and the calls didn’t stop coming, the ringtone so loud inside the car and in his head that it was now almost painful.

Namjoon was calling him non stop, but Jin didn’t need to hear more lies.

He needed to hear his Joon call him ‘baby’ and hug him, he needed him to bring a poem up and tell him how much he meant to him with that. He needed his warm body against his own and he needed his love. He didn’t need lies. He had never wanted lies, he had always hated lies.

He had always been afraid of lies.

Hoseok called him again after some time and he found him faster than he would have expected in the college parking lot. He knocked on the window and helped him out of the car before hugging him tightly.

He brought him to his own car and gave him water, but he didn’t ask him anything during the whole drive towards his house.

He held his hand at some point, noticing his trembling body.

Seokjin couldn’t stop the panic that was pervading him, he couldn’t stop the tears. He was powerless, like he had always been when it came to Namjoon.

It was easy to fall when he was there to catch him, though. It was easy to let go and allow himself to feel powerless when he knew the man he loved would have been there to hold him.

But now he was powerless and alone. Namjoon wasn’t there to hold him anymore.

Once in Seokjin’s apartment, Hoseok held both of his hands while they sat on the couch and he was trying to calm himself down. He dried his tears and shut his phone down when he noticed the calls didn’t stop coming.

He waited for Jin’s breath to come back to a somehow normal rhythm and smiled sadly before finally speaking.

“I’m so sorry…” he repeated, gaining a confused look from the elder.

“It’s not...What are you sorry for?” he whispered.

“I wasn’t sure and I didn’t…” Hoseok shook his head and closed his eyes, but then he leaned forward and held his hands tighter “Can you tell me what happened?”

“I think he…” Seokjin shook his head, trying to form in coherent words what had happened with Namjoon, his thoughts spinning in his head “I think he was hiding something… I think he was hiding me”

Hoseok closed his eyes too and nodded. When he spoke his voice was small.

“I would have wanted to ask more, but I told you he doesn’t talk much about his real feelings… And when I called you, months ago, I didn’t want to scare you, but…”

“Why did he have to lie about me, Hobi? I thought he-” Seokjin sobbed before he could go on, the words dying in his throat.

I thought he loved me.

“It’s not that simple, hyung…” he sat back on the armrest of the couch and sighed “He may seem sure, strong. He looks like he never doubts himself, not even for a second, but it’s fake, it’s all fake”

Jin looked at his friend with wide eyes, while panic still occupied his mind.

“I thought that he was getting better at that, that he was now finally resting... He has been so happy these months, hyung, so happy, but at this point I think he is too used to it and he is scared of what could happen if he stopped lying”

“What are you talking about, Hoseok? I don’t understand…”

The other seemed to be pondering whether to talk more and explain himself or stay silent.

“Please, Hobi, I need to know”

“Okay...” the man nodded, his bottom lip between his teeth before he explained himself.

“I suppose he never told you much about his family?”

The elder shook his head, trying to recall the few words Namjoon had told him about his parents.

“He is an only child. His father died two years ago” at that Jin nodded. He knew about that.

“Namjoon admired his father a lot. He was a professor too. He looked up to him and they were very close, but he was also not so tolerant when it came to some aspects of his son’s life” Jin felt his heart clenching at Hoseok’s expression.

“I don’t know the details because, as I told you, Namjoon doesn’t talk much about this and other things… I know that when Joon was like fifteen and he told his father he liked a boy he didn’t react well. As I told you, he trusted his father and thought he would have been supportive? But he didn’t support him at all… On the contrary he told him it would have been better to ignore his feelings and forget”

Hoseok brushed his hair and sighed, his eyes wandering everywhere in the apartment, and Jin felt tears pooling up in his eyes once again.

“I think at first Joon believed him and all, but then he grew up and he understood more about himself… At some point he simply started hiding things to his father. He lied because he didn’t want to disappoint him, he didn’t want his father to think low of him. At the same time he could not force himself to be someone he wasn't, you know how these things go… I’ve known him since we were like five and I noticed how he changed during those years. He hid things from his family, but he started doing that with me too”

“When he fell in love with Soobin and they got together his family was really happy. His father met her sometimes and I think he had great hopes for them. Namjoon was happy with her and he was relieved. That was perfect: he was happy and she was a girl…That was the perfect way to please both himself and his father”

“I’m not saying he chose the easiest way, he and Soobin loved each other a lot. But it all changed when his father died. Namjoon was broken and some time after he went to England… I think that was when he started seeing how much of himself he had been hiding and repressing for years, and I’m not only talking about his sexuality”

Seokjin’s heart clenched as he leaned his head on the backrest of the couch. Suddenly a lot of things started to fall in place, and he didn’t need to know the whole story to understand the implications of what his friend was telling him.

“I think you came right when he was starting to regain control of his life, but he never asks for help so it must be very difficult for him now... I’m sure he really fell in love with you, like really, but I think this complicated everything?”

“So you think he lied to the people around him, and he is still lying, because he-”

“That’s all he has ever known, hyung. He always had to lie, I think he’s scared and confused...”

Namjoon’s eyes were real, Jin wasn’t wrong. He must have always been used to lying, but he didn’t lie with Seokjin.

Seokjin’s head was dizzy with information and realisations, his heartbeat rate had long ago become irregular, but now it had almost stopped.

His heart was fluttering in his chest with some sort of unknown heaviness that was crushing and wounding his body.

“I’m sorry he never had the courage to tell you and you had to discover this from me, but you needed to know… He will probably hate me for this but you had to know everything and I didn’t want him to hide anything anymore. You are my friend too and I know how much he means to you. I got it from the first time I asked you about him at the atelier”

Hoseok got closer to his friend and caressed his wet cheek with a small smile. Jin’s lips trembled at the contact but he leaned on the palm.

“When you are ready I think you should talk to him and let him explain, but…”

“But he is not ready to be with me”

Jin said the words in a hushed whisper, his eyes closed as he tried to stop more tears from coming out.

He had always been bad with asking him about his feelings, but the other had told him it wasn’t his fault, and maybe he was right, maybe Seokjin was powerless in front of his fears.

Those fears that had troubled and chained Namjoon for so many years were too strong, even for Jin, who loved him so dearly, so totally and strongly.

Seokjin understood that well because he had been afraid his whole life.

He had always been afraid of falling in love, of getting lost in something he didn’t have control on.

Namjoon had come in his life like a hurricane, like a flood, leaving him breathless in the most beautiful of ways.

He had gone against all his own walls for Namjoon, he had found in him the strength to believe in himself, in his capacity of loving again, or better, to really love for the first time.

Namjoon had saved him so fastly from a life of loneliness, lost in his own fears and beliefs, and he had taken his hand to bring him out of his home made prison.

But Namjoon was in prison too, and Seokjin hadn’t been able to see it, his own sight too steamy to see much more than inside his hideout.

The man could have lied to him, but Jin had lied to himself.

“Hyung, you two should talk before coming to conclusions, I don’t…”

“I love him” Seokjin admitted out loud, his voice sure and firm for the first time since Hobi had seen him that day “I want to talk to him and I don’t want to leave him alone, I really don’t. I want him to do what is best for him, and if what it is best includes leaving me for now, then that’s okay”

Jin looked down at his hands, at the couch on which he was seated.

He remembered his and Namjoon’s first night together, his dark apartment and their soft kisses. He closed his eyes and he let himself recall everything.

Hoseok looked at him between his own tears. He knew he thought the same, that that was what he had always thought. Now he understood. He understood his words on the phone, his sad smiles when they had met.

“Hyung…” he sobbed with his eyes still on Seokjin “Are you sure you’ll be okay? You love him, he makes you so happy… He is good for you”

“But if I’m not good for him then what’s the point?”

The words stabbed him right in the chest and he felt his body losing every last inch of strength in a second.

“I can wait if that’s what he needs, and I can let go too. He taught me a lot you know?” Jin smiled sadly through the pain “He is good for me, but he taught me how to be good with myself too. I think I can do something for him now”

Seokjin didn’t answer Namjoon’s calls. He knew he wouldn’t have stood hearing the guilt in his words. It wasn’t his fault, Jin didn’t want him to feel guilty.

At the same time he knew he would have had to hear that voice sooner or later.

Namjoon continued calling for the whole day. He also called Hoseok at least ten times, until he decided it was time to at least tell him Seokjin was with him.

He went to the bathroom to answer, not wanting Jin, who was laying on his bed under the covers, to hear and get worried. He was able to catch some words anyway, though.

“Joon, don’t worry he is with me, he is good…” Hoseok spoke with reassurance in his voice, trying to calm Namjoon down “Yes, we are at his house but please don’t come here okay? He wants to talk to you, but not today… Just give him time”

They talked for some more time but, at some point, Jin’s eyes closed with fatigue and he fell asleep.

He woke up again when it was late at night.

Hoseok had left him something to eat and a note on which he had written that he had gone to work, but that he could call him whenever he wanted. He had also called Taehyung, who would have stayed at Jungkook’s house that night, and he had told him his brother was okay.

Seokjin was sure his brother had called him anyway, but he was reassured his friend had taken care of that.

Outside was dark and cloudy as he dragged himself out of bed. He took his phone with him and he went to the kitchen, when he decided to turn it on.

As expected he had texts and calls from both Taehyung and Jungkook, but the most calls came from Namjoon, of course.

There were at least fifty calls and as many messages.

‘Hyung please answer me’

‘Hyung, I’m so sorry’

‘Jinnie, please please I made a mistake, let me explain’

‘Baby please’

‘Baby let me hear your voice, please’

Jin closed his eyes and felt tears coming back.

Namjoon shouldn’t have had to say sorry, he needed to tell him he was not angry.

He was sad, heartbroken, wrecked, sorry. He wasn’t angry, though, and Namjoon needed to know.

‘Hi, Joonie. Can we meet tomorrow morning?’ he typed fast. The reply came seconds after.

‘Yes, hyung, yes please. I’m so sorry, I need to explain’

‘I know you are, I am too. See you tomorrow morning at the park near my house at ten’

After he sent the message, and texted his brother too, he shut down the phone once again and ate in silence in his kitchen, his eyes damp and his hands cold.

The sky was white and gloomy over the park, despite the temperature being warm.

Only a few people were around when Seokjin walked through it with an umbrella in his hand to reach the place where he had met with Namjoon months before.

He kept the other hand in his pocket as he looked in front of himself at the puddles that were forming on the ground, the drops falling incessantly over him.

Namjoon was already there when he arrived at the spot. He was looking everywhere around him and he widened his eyes when he spotted Jin coming towards him.

He gulped but he ran to him, his brown hair disheveled and his eyes puffy visible also at such a distance.

He was slightly pale, but still incredibly handsome. No one could ever compare the natural, unfiltered and spontaneous beauty of Namjoon’s features for Seokjin.

He tried to catch as much of the sight of him as he could, to paste that image in his mind and in his memories forever.

“Hyung…” Namjoon said, unsure and scared in front of him.

To the elder’s eyes he had always looked so strong, so sure of himself, so bright, but in that moment he looked almost frail, like a kid in the middle of a storm. Seokjin would have just wanted to hug him and keep him close, lull him with his voice and never let him go.

“Hi Joonie”

The man closed his eyes and took a deep breath before taking a step closer and tentatively reaching out with a hand to touch Jin’s face. He put a trembling palm on his cheek and leaned close to rest their foreheads together, while Jin closed his own eyes too, breathing in Namjoon’s warm and calming scent.

“I’m sorry hyungie, I need to tell you something”

“I’ll listen”

Before he could explain, the younger got even closer, until their lips were brushing.

“Can I kiss you?”

Jin didn’t answer, he just kissed him softly, his full lips capturing the other’s bottom one between them. Namjoon breathed heavily as he caressed his hair and his neck, sliding their lips together until he moved to kiss his forehead and rest his mouth there for some seconds.

“Hoseok told me he told you some things… I didn’t want you to discover all that this way”

With his free hand on his shoulder and their lips so close Jin answered, shaking his head.

“I told you I’m not good with all this, I’m sorry I didn’t ask you about your worries before, I just-”

“No, no please Jin, this is not your fault, it’s mine, it’s all mine”

The sound of the rain falling on their umbrellas filled their ears while Namjoon looked for the right way to start.

Seokjin’s head had been hurting since the day before and he supposed Namjoon’s did too, so he caressed his face and kissed his temple in an attempt to sooth him.

“I didn’t tell my mom and my friends that me and Soobin broke up” he all at once mumbled, eyes closed once again.

Jin nodded and looked down at his chest and broad shoulders.

“My father wasn’t supportive of me not only liking girls and I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want him to think bad of me, even though I didn’t understand why he was so against it, I really didn’t...”

Namjoon was visibly struggling to get the words out. His eyes were becoming damp the more his voice quivered.

“I lied to him a lot when he was alive and I’m not proud of that but I thought that was the best way to not make him suffer and, at the same time, live in the best serene way possible…”

Their fingers interwined somewhere in the middle of the younger’s speech and Jin brushed his thumb on Namjoon’s hand when he noticed tears falling between them, along with the water drops from the sky.

“Soobin was like the best thing that happened at the time because she was a girl and she was great, that way both me and my family could be happy…” he painfully chuckled while Jin rested his forehead on his chest and inhaled the soft smell of his shirt “But then he died, I went to England and everything changed between me and her”

“I loved my father, I really did, but after his death I thought I would be free from all the lies because I didn’t have to hide from anybody”

Namjoon held his face to look into his eyes again before continuing.

“When I met you I thought I would have finally been happy because with you I could be real, I really could be myself. You make me so incredibly happy, hyung, so happy...” he was sobbing desperately by now, but he didn’t stop talking. Words were now flowing like a river in flood.

“When I am with you I don’t need to lie, that’s why I need you by my side as much as possible, that’s why when we were apart I was so rude and all that… Because when I go to work and I meet my friends, or my mom calls or comes to visit me, just like she did some weeks ago… Those days I just can’t-”

The rumble of a thunder tore the steady sound of the rain, along with Namjoon’s hiccups.

“I’m a coward, hyung. Yesterday I panicked and I wasn’t able to say you are my boyfriend. I thought I was free from the lies, but I’m still afraid. Everyday I face people and I really want to just ignore the voice in my head that tells me to lie, because it’s easier that way, but I can’t, I just can’t…”

They hugged tightly when the sobs became too much and the voice got stuck in Namjoon’s throat.

Jin tried to calm him down by whispering in his ear and caressing his back, despite being a crying mess himself. He wished he could do something, everything, to help him somehow, but the more he listened to his words and his sobs, the more he started to acknowledge that maybe he was really not what Namjoon needed in that moment.

“Ssh Joonie… I want you to know I’m not mad, really. I understand and I’m so sorry, so incredibly sorry”

“I don’t know what to do hyung, this is too much, I don’t…”

“Love, look at me...” he detached from the younger just enough to look into his eyes “I think you need time for yourself, to talk with your mother and the people you love. You need to remind yourself of who you really are, just like you did for me all these months”

Namjoon blinked confused at him but he didn’t interrupt him, he just held with his free hand the front of the elder’s t-shirt, keeping him impossibly close.

“You did so much for me and I will never be thankful enough for that, but now you should do something for yourself”

A fresh tear escaped Seokjin’s eye, but he quickly dried it with his hand. He didn’t want to cry anymore, he wanted to be happy that Namjoon would have found a way to really be himself. He wanted to smile.

“What are you talking about hyung? I love you, you are good for me, you are not the problem here, I-”

Jin closed his eyes at the confession and he tried to continue without trembling too much.

“I know, I love you too, so much Joonie, so much... but we had said we wanted to go slow right? I think this is the right time to slow things down… Thanks to you now I have a starting point where I know I can love and be loved dearly, just like how I wanted to. You need space to find a starting point for yourself too, Joonie, without lies and fears”

Namjoon let his umbrella fall on the ground and cupped Jin’s face at those words, kissing him deeply and sloppily. The elder’s own umbrella fell and they both felt the rain soak their hair and clothes.

The tears mixed with the rain and their hands trembled on eachother. They couldn’t breathe, but they didn’t stop kissing.

“Baby, I can’t do this, I don’t…” the younger mumbled between their linked lips, but Jin just smiled briefly, carding his hands through his damp hair and trying to look at him the best he could in the pouring rain.

“This is not a goodbye, love, this is just the best for us now. I don’t think I’ll stop loving you so easily, and letting you go now it’s almost physically painful, but… I want you to be sure of what you’re doing and I want to do the right thing…”

“Do you really think this is the right thing?” Namjoon didn’t move away, not even of an inch and his breath fanned over Jin’s lips.

“In this moment I wouldn’t even want you to move away of a millimeter, so I don’t know if it’s the right thing” he chuckled, biting his own lips “But if it is then, when we’ll see each other again, I’ll be able to hold you tighter and I’ll know you won’t need to hide it”

They looked into each other’s eyes again, but before Namjoon could say sorry one last time the other kissed him again. They kissed and kissed and they lost count of time.

Nobody was around and it was still raining when they pulled away.

“The day I met you I read something. It was a letter of a famous american composer that one of my colleagues told me about” Namjoon was keeping him so close, so much Jin thought he would have never been able to let him go.

“This man, John Cage, and his partner have been together for like fifty years and he wrote a lot of letters to him… In one of those he says his lover is like the rain. He says he is terrific and gentle”

“I only understood what he meant when I got into the restaurant that night and I met you. I thought it was destiny because, just like the rain, that night you came suddenly and unexpected. Just like the rain you are both scary, because with you I feel so much all together, but you are also so sweet and kind. I fear you and I love you”

“You are just like the rain, hyung”

Chapter Text

Seokjin was playing with an orange post-it as he pouted, looking at his laptop screen, where he was scrolling through a bunch of photos of himself.

It was sunny outside, the last aftermath of summer bringing with itself a warm weather that didn’t succeed in improving his mood, not even a bit, but, on the contrary, just made Seokjin sigh and huff repeatedly.

He still hadn’t gone out of the atelier to eat lunch because he didn’t particularly fancy the thought of seeing people, so he had stayed in his office to check the photos the magazine had sent him after the photoshoot of a few days before.

The photos were good and he was flattered that a big magazine had chosen him as the model for the cover of the month of november. They had called almost a month after the fashion show, asking him some questions about his firm and how he had created it, then they had decided his story was interesting and had proposed him to be the model for the cover.

Taehyung had gone crazy when he had told him, but Seokjin just thought it would have been good for the firm, nothing more.

As he was now looking at his own face on the screen, he felt like he didn’t recognize himself.

Well, it had been some months since the last time he had looked at his face in a mirror and had actually recognized himself.

He brushed off the thought as he crumpled up the post-it and threw it on the other side of the room.

Well, at least he would have looked cool on his first ever cover shoot...

Almost unconsciously, as he was being photographed, bringing back a memory so deep and dear to him, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from wishing to be like a modern Dorian Gray.

He would have wanted one of the photos to just become his own Dorian Gray’s painting, to let it feel everything in his place, to make it suffer, at least just to not feel all the hurt that had been plaguing his chest everyday since that rainy day in the park anymore.

After checking all the photos, he closed the tab on his computer screen with a sigh and sent an email to the magazine. He told them he approved all the photos and left them the power to decide which one they preferred.

At least, that way, he wouldn’t have had to look at those shots anymore.

The rest of his work day passed quietly.

After his last fashion show, he had also received a lot of new orders for some customized pieces. He enjoyed doing those the most, so he worked hard on that task alone in his studio for a few hours, then he went home.

The next day he had an appointment at the atelier with Hoseok and Jimin. They had ordered some pieces for one of their upcoming performances and they were coming to check the designs that Jin had thought of for the clothes.

They arrived on time the next day and immediately greeted Seokjin with warm hugs and wide smiles. The elder smiled back at them forcefully, but he knew his overall appearance was gloomy.

It had been this way all summer, which he had spent mostly working and busying himself with whatever duty he could, just to not think.

Hoseok had obviously noticed he was sad, but he tried to not push it too much and ask him much more about it because he knew that would have made Seokjin close in on himself even more than what he was already doing.

He had been the one to hug him and call him everyday after what had happened… He and Taehyung had taken turns to check on Seokjin at work and outside work, just to see if he was eating properly and not overworking himself too much.

He hadn’t talked much about his thoughts since the first days after the breakup, when the wound was still open and the elder still felt like expressing his thoughts on that. It seemed like Seokjin had practically decided to shut down that part of his head after a while.

All of a sudden, Seokjin had stopped even mentioning what had happened to him and the man he loved.

His name wasn’t pronounced anymore in the Kim house and if somebody tried to ask him something about the matter, he just changed the subject.

He had admitted to Hoseok that he knew this wasn’t exactly the right way to deal with his sadness, but he also said it was still too painful for him to bring up, so everybody tried to just respect his decision and be by his side as much as they could, without pushing him to talk about something they knew would have hurt him when it wasn’t necessary.

But when Hoseok saw him at his atelier that day, when he listened to him talking and explaining to them what he had thought for the designs for their stage clothes, he sighed and decided that this time, it was worth trying.

Jimin at some point received a call and excused himself from the two friends, leaving them alone and giving the younger the perfect opportunity to turn to Seokjin and smile at him tenderly.

“How are you?”

The other turned to him at that and looked down for a brief moment before shrugging.

“Pretty good. Very busy”

“Ah, I see…”

Hoseok was nervous and Seokjin could see that well. He looked at him as he bit his lips and looked to the side before clearing his throat.

“Taehyung texted me that he already told you that Namjoon went back to England before the summer”

At the mention of his name, Seokjin’s heart stuttered.

It didn’t matter how much he had tried to set that word aside, to not pronounce it nor hear it. Namjoon’s name still made him shiver every time he heard it. He hadn’t forgotten the way he had felt the first time Hoseok had pronounced it in front of him, the night he had met Namjoon for the first time.

The memory came back to him like a pleasant blow of warm breeze and he unconsciously closed his eyes, reveling in it while he could.

He was quick to shake himself out of it after some seconds, though, and he turned to Hoseok with an expression as emotionless as he could.

“Yes. He told me he had announced it during his last lesson last semester”

Hoseok nodded and Seokjin already started to dread where this conversation was going.

“Oh, that’s good. And… how do you feel about that?”

“What do you mean? Why should I have to even feel something about that?”

Hoseok opened his mouth to speak and blinked at that, but before he could say anything else, Seokjin put down the pen he was holding and pinched the bridge of his nose.

The look in his eyes when he looked back at his friend held an intimidating threat that resembled the one of a thunderous, cloudy, grey sky, ready to break out into a pouring rain.

“Hobi, please, I really don’t feel like talking about him now. You don’t have to worry about me, I have things to keep me occupied”

“Oh, I know that very well, but I also know that you miss Namjoon. You miss him a lot”

“I never denied that” Seokjiin clenched his jaw at that and he tried to stop the tears from forming at the back of his eyes “I love him, of course I miss him”

Hoseok smiled a little and squeezed his hand over the table at which they were sitting.

“But I gave him this time to think and become someone he can be proud of. I took some distance for the both of us”

“I know that, but that doesn’t mean you are not allowed to suffer because of it”

Seokjin felt a lump in his throat.

His thoughts all went back to the times in which Namjoon made him feel at ease, just enough to express all his worries and troubles. He had taught him how to ask for help, and Seokjin had learned it could really make him feel better if he did that with the right person.

“How is he?” he mumbled in a small voice, not daring to look into Hoseok’s eyes.

He felt his friend move by his side and waited in silence for him to answer after he heard him cough once.

“He is busy too, but he is good. He is getting there, at least. He always asks me about you, you know?”

At that Seokjin’s heart did a flip in his chest. He put a hand over it to feel it thunder in his ribcage.

Namjoon asked about me.

“For real?”

“You really thought he wouldn’t have?” Hobi laughed at him as if he had said the most absurd thing in the world “He is crazy about you, of course he asked how are you doing!”

Seokjin licked his lips at the words. It had become difficult for him to breathe properly and his heart thumped hard again, almost as if it was about to jump out of his body.

I am crazy about him too.

He thought about how many times he would have wanted to ask about Namjoon too. How many times he would have wanted to call him and text him. How many evenings he had spent in his room, with Namjoon’s number on the display of his phone, ready to just click ‘call’, but, in the end, he had just thrown it somewhere and gone to bed with a sigh, too scared to overstep, too scared to be inappropriate.

It was true he had tried not to think too much, not to dwell too much on the memories, but it was difficult.

Too damn difficult when all he could see when he closed his eyes was Namjoon’s smile.

Too difficult if he sometimes still somehow smelled him on his clothes, on his pillows.

Too difficult if, whenever he dreamed, he only dreamed of his lips and his hands on him, of the way his skin brushed against his own, of his deep voice whispering in his ear.

“He would have wanted to text you to congratulate you for all the success of your firm, but-”

“But he didn’t know if that was right” he looked back at Hoseok and found him smiling softly “Yeah, I can imagine…”

“Look, I’m not saying you should call him. It’s your choice, your relationship, so I don’t want to meddle even more in it. I just think that, since you care so much about the other, and you are both here, torturing yourself while thinking about each other…” that made Seokjin snort, but he didn’t deny it “...maybe a text wouldn’t be a bad idea”

Hoseok shrugged and leaned back on his seat.

The other didn’t have time to reply to him because Jimin came back into the room and smiled brightly at them before inviting them to lunch after their meeting.

The elder was glad, though. He needed time to think, anyway.

That night, at home, he was watching a movie with Taehyung and Jungkook when he decided to unlock his phone and open the chat with Namjoon on his messenger app.

He stared at it for a moment as the music coming from the movie played in the background.

It took him a moment to notice that Taehyung, who had his legs on his lap and his head against Jungkook’s chest, was squirming to get him to notice him.

When he looked up, the boys were both looking at him. Taehyung had a brow raised, while Jungkook looked curious.

“Is everything okay? You are not watching the movie… It’s a crime one, your favorite”

Seokjin put his phone down and sighed, glancing back at the tv for a moment.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m just… distracted tonight. I don’t want to ruin our movie night, though”

“You are not ruining it, hyung!” Taehyung straightened up a bit, just enough to be able to look at his brother more comfortably.

Jungkook nodded along and offered Seokjin a can of beer.

The elder chuckled and accepted it with a sigh.

“I think I’m just tired, don’t worry…”

“You know you can tell us everything, right? Jungkook can go if you want more privacy too!”

Jungkook grimaced at that and was about to protest when Taehyung turned to him and pecked his lips to shush him.

That made Seokjin smile and he squeezed Taehyung's ankle to reassure him.

“Jungkook doesn’t need to go… I don’t have much to tell you, I just…” he looked towards the window and bit his lips.

I just miss him.

“I have things to reflect about” he decided to say in the end, his voice small and quiet.

Taehyung’s features softened then and he glanced at his boyfriend briefly before smiling at his brother tenderly.

“Hyung, you know how much I admire how thoughtful you are, right?”

Seokjin nodded and looked at the other to push him to continue.

His voice sounded mature and sure to Seokjin’s ears and, for a second, a wave of pride rushed to his chest and constricted his heart in a warm embrace.

His brother, who he was used to seeing with the eyes of a ‘father’, of someone who had taken care of him for his whole life, of someone who had always been his safe haven in this life, which had been so cruel to the both of them...

Seokjin mostly looked at him with the eyes of an older brother, the memory of him as a baby while he cried in his arms when their parents left them, of the little kid he drove to school and helped doing his homework engraved in his mind.

But right now, for a moment, as Taehyung looked at him with his feline, earnest eyes and his small smile, comprehensive and so gentle, he was the one who suddenly felt like a little kid, so scared and so confused.

That was how he had been feeling for the last months, which he had spent thinking about the love he had found and didn’t know if he could ever have back, but right now, that emotion felt stronger and hit him forcefully as he gulped in front of his brother.

Taehyung, an adult, a man, the one who had been by his side all this time after Namjoon had left. Seokjin felt like crying, but he swallowed that sentiment down in order to focus on the other’s deep voice, on his calming tone and on his wise advice.

He wanted to hide in his embrace and feel protected, but for now he only looked Taehyung in the eyes and grasped like a lifeline the hand that he immediately offered him to hold.

“If you hadn’t been so thoughtful, we probably wouldn’t even be here right now, in our house. I don’t know if I would be in university if you hadn’t been so considerate, so careful” a tear escaped Seokjin’s eye and he hoped it wasn’t visible in the dim light of the room, coming only from the television “And you certainly wouldn’t have fulfilled your own dream of becoming a fashion designer if you had been less attentive, less pensive. You are my role model, you will always be. You know how many times I would have liked to be more thoughtful like you instead of being the impulsive mess I can be most of the time when I have to make decisions…”

The three of them laughed lightly then, and Seokjin turned to Jungkook behind Taehyung for the first time since his brother had started speaking and found him looking softly at his boyfriend, his own eyes misty with tears.

He suddenly remembered all the times Jungkook had been there with them during the worst moments, how his smiles had always helped him and Taehyng more than he could ever imagine, and another tear fell on his cheek.

Jungkook caressed Taehyung’s back before he talked again.

“I admire this part of your personality, but, at the same time, I really keep close to my heart one thing you once told me. You said that if things don’t work out how you planned them to go, it’s wiser to change perspective of things and just try something different instead of being stubborn in wanting to pursue your first method. If a path doesn’t take you anywhere, maybe it’s better to just change and see where another path takes you”

He clutched his hand with a strong grip and Seokjin waited impatiently for his following words.

“Maybe, if thinking so much doesn’t work out this time, it’s better to just choose without thinking further and see what happens. Maybe it’s better to change perspective and try something else, like being impulsive… just this time”

Silence fell between them after that and Seokjin looked outside the window behind his brother as a crease appeared between his brows.

Don’t think too much.

It felt like something his mom would have told him if she had been there and that made more tears fall on his face.

He finally leaned forward then and reached for that hug he had been craving for some minutes now. His brother held him tight as he sobbed into his shoulder, his body shaking in the other’s strong embrace.

He felt Jungkook’s comforting presence beside them and greedily reached out with a hand to hold his, to have them both close to him.

His family.

“Thank you” he mumbled in his brother’s neck “You have grown up so much and I didn’t even notice. Sorry if sometimes I still act like the big, tough brother with you. I don’t mean to, it’s just that…”

“Ssh, don’t worry. I like it when you do the big, though brother. You will always be my big, tough brother”

Seokjin chuckled and sniffled and held the both of them tighter.

“Of course. You won’t ever get rid of you big, tough brother” he raised his head from the hug, then, and looked over Taehyung’s shoulder to search for Jungkook’s eyes “You too, brat. I’m your big, though brother too”

Jungkook laughed and his bunny teeth showed cutely.

“The best” the younger mumbled, trying not to cry more.

Taehyung sniffled too and detached himself from Seokjin to nod and cup his jaw.

“The best” he turned to Jungkook briefly then, but he was staring at Seokjin when he whispered “The best family, too”

Mid autumn brought colder days and warmer clothes and Seokjin was thankful for the softness of his sweaters that kept him protected and sheltered from the freezing breeze that blew in the streets of the city.

It didn’t rain often, despite the season, but every time it did, Seokjin liked to walk out of his office during lunch break and reach the riverside.

He knew that didn’t do him good. The riverside reminded him of kisses and tears, of soft whispers and wide smiles.

But still, Seokjin couldn’t imagine a place where he would have felt more warm, more quiet and at ease.

The sound of the rain falling on his umbrella was like a soothing lullaby that made the thoughts clearer in his mind and his heart calm for some moments.

Taehyung had told him to change his perspective, to think less, but his brother still found it difficult to follow the advice, even if he wanted to.

Every time he reached the park and stood over the river, he thought of how much he wanted to just call Namjoon and ask how he was. That would have been more than enough: to know how he was.

If he was feeling better, if he had stopped feeling guilty.

Hoseok said he was busy and successful and that he had asked about him almost all the times the friends had called each other and that made Seokjin smile every time he remembered it.

But he knew hearing Namjoon’s voice would have felt different. His voice had always had the power to soothe him and tame down his stress and these days he really felt like he needed to hear it again.

Things around him were changing. People knew his name and magazines called to interview him.

And Seokjin was glad, really. He was grateful and he was excited to see what was waiting for him the next months.

But sometimes, it all got just too much and the only thing he would have wanted to feel was the strong embrace of Namjoon’s sure arms around his body.

Sometimes at night he still dreamt of it, of the way Namjoon’s touch made him feel, how he was able to be so therapeutic for Seokjin.

He had to admit he tried not to think about it. He forced himself not to think about it.

Because it hurt to remember and it hurt to think that now Namjoon was far away and his warmth was far away and voice couldn’t soothe him anymore and his words couldn’t reassure him anymore. And even if the months spent with him had taught Seokjin to deal with his worries more calmly and to take care of himself, it was different now that he wasn’t there anymore.

As he stood by the river, a coffee cup in his hand and the umbrella in the other, he noticed he had stopped looking at the view in front of himself minutes ago and his gaze had got lost in the fog and the buildings on the other side.

He gulped and blinked when he threw away the cup of coffee to glance down at his phone and check the time. He should have started walking back to his atelier if he wanted to get that last design done within the day.

Seokjin was about to turn around and go back, when a name popped up on his screen and he gasped.

Namjoon was calling him.

For the first time in months, Namjoon was reaching out to him.

His heart started hammering in his chest so strongly that he was scared he wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

His breath got cut in his lungs and he had to support himself on the railing to not let his wobbly legs fail him.

It felt like destiny, how just mere seconds before he had lost himself in the memories he had with the man and now he had the possibility to really hear his voice, even if he was so far away from him.

Seokjin looked down at the screen, but he still couldn’t bring himself to answer.

What would he say to him?

Actually, there were many things he wanted to tell him, but he didn’t really know where to start. He felt taken aback and confused, but it also felt good.

He really was about to hear Namjoon’s voice.

He was finally about to click on the screen to answer, when the call disconnected and the notification of a missed call appeared on his phone.

His eyes widened and only then he noticed how much time it had taken him to answer.

Now Namjoon would have thought he didn’t want to talk to him or that he had ignored his call. He would have supposed Seokjin was angry at him and didn’t want to even hear what he had to say.

He panicked as he thought about all the possible scenarios that could appear in Namjoon’s mind at the moment and he clicked on the call button without even thinking.

He couldn’t let Namjoon think he was angry at him while the only thing Seokjin wanted to do was kiss him silly.

He pressed the phone to his ear and tapped his foot on the ground nervously, biting his lower lip and shivering from both the cold and the eagerness.

Just when he heard the beeping of the call stop and a silence come up on the other end of the line, he finally realized he didn’t really know what to say. He didn’t want Namjoon to think he was angry, but he didn’t know where to start talking. All the words suddenly sounded silly in his head.

“Hyung?”

Namjoon’s voice came out unsure and the elder felt so tense that he had to take a deep breath to steady the beating of his heart.

“Hi” he whispered, hoping the other had been able to hear him.

He had the confirmation of that when he heard a small sigh coming from the younger and then a bit of silence. Seokjin held onto the railing tighter and closed his eyes, waiting for more.

“Hyung…” he repeated, almost like couldn’t believe he was really speaking with Seokjin.

That made the elder’s heart squeeze in his chest, but he tried to hide the tension with a small chuckle.

“That’s me, Joon” he smiled wide when he heard Namjoon chuckle too “I’m sorry for earlier. I heard the phone ringing too late and I couldn’t manage to answer in time. I'm really sorry”

He lied, then he heard Namjoon's calming voice in his ear.

“Don’t worry, hyung. It’s fine. I don’t want to bother you! It’s a working day so you must have a lot to do”

“You are not bothering me… It’s lunchtime so…”

Seokjin gulped again and released a shaking breath.

“How are you?” he whispered.

Even at this distance, he could feel in his own voice the hesitance and in Namjoon’s slow answers the nervousness, but still, under all of that, hidden between the sighs and the stuttering, he could still perceive the lingering comfort they brought to each other and that helped him a lot.

“I’m okay… I’m busy with work and all of that, but I love it here. I missed England”

“I’m glad and I’m happy for you”

Do you miss being here, though? Do you miss me?

“Thank you, hyung… You are really kind”

It was evident how much more they both had to say, to ask, but neither of them could bring himself to speak first. Seokjin didn’t know where to start, didn't know what to say… he didn’t know what he wanted. What Namjoon wanted.

“I’m sorry again for interrupting your lunch break, it's just that…'' Seokjin felt Namjoon moving and patiently waited for him to continue, his lower lip trapped between his teeth “I read your interview on that popular fashion magazine… and I saw the photos and all”

Seokjin looked down, his cheeks red. He was amazed by how early Namjoon had gotten the magazine… It had only come out a few days before, after all.

“I wanted to congratulate you for your great achievements. You should really be proud of yourself for everything you are conquering”

Namjoon’s voice was more firm now, more sure and clear, and Seokjin felt tears pool in his eyes at the compliments.

He tried to push them back and tame down the redness in his cheeks with a cold hand, but he couldn’t do much for his rushing heart.

The younger’s words were a reassurance he had needed to hear for months now and he couldn’t even express how calming they sounded in his overthinking mind.

“Plus…” Namjoon continued, noticing Seokjin’s flustered silence “You were so gorgeous on that cover. You are always amazing, but that photo... “

Seokjin couldn’t help but giggle at the comment and he looked around, even more embarrassed now.

“Thank you” he muttered under his breath, voice still quivering “Thank you, Joon. I really appreciate it”

A thunder interrupted his train of thoughts for a moment and he looked at the sky, momentarily taken aback.

“No problem. You deserve this and a lot more”

“You deserve a lot too” Seokjin added, glancing back at the buildings, disguised within the thick fog “Hobi told me how much you are working and he also mentioned you are writing a long treatise? He didn’t tell me much, but that’s great!”

He didn’t mind the fact that he had just confessed the other that Hobi talked to him about the professor because what Namjoon had just told him proved that their friend did that with both of them.

It was amusing how until then Hoseok had been the only bridge between them, the only way they had had to somehow communicated during those months of separation, but in reality, their deeper, stronger, lingering connection, the one that had brought them to love each other so dearly, had never really dissolved.

The fact was that they were still close, despite their distance, they were still connected.

Seokjin’s chest constricted, pleasantly and painfully at the same time at the realization.

Namjoon’s smile at his excited words could be almost heard and Seokjin mirrored it.

“Ah, yeah… I didn’t think Hobi would have told you about it… It’s a book about Shakespeare’s tragedies. The professor I’m working with here it’s an expert in this field and he’s helping me finish this project I’ve had for some time now. I’m excited about it actually”

Seokjin could perceive clearly how shy Namjoon was about it.

“I don’t want to bore you, though, so I won’t talk more about it. It’s still in the making, anyway…”

“You are not boring! You never are, you know it”

Silence settled again between them and Seokjin was sure Namjoon was remembering it too, the first time he had gone to the professor’s house.

“Do I look that much like a messy and boring person?”

“You are not boring!”

“But I talk a lot…”

“And I like it”

“So, yeah, uhm… Let me know when your book will be published. I promise I’ll read it even when it becomes all abstruse and complicated”

That helped to tame down the tension and Seokjin grinned in the solitude of the park.

“Namjoon?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you feeling better?” he asked tentatively.

He was sure Namjoon got what he meant.

Seokjin didn’t mean if he was doing good with his job or if he was proud of his work. He didn’t care about England or other things.

He wanted to know if Namjoon still felt pressured and burdened. He wanted him to be okay.

“I’m working on it. I asked for help and I talked to my friends… It’s getting better, hyung”

That made Seokjin happier than ever and this time, a tear really slid down his cheek.

“That’s good. I’m so happy for you”

“Thank you. Thank you so much”

Namjoon’s voice quivered too when he spoke again and the elder closed his eyes to not burst into sobs.

He wanted to hug him and kiss him and never let him go again. He had asked himself for a long time if he had done the right thing by letting Namjoon go that day, if he just hadn't done more harm than good, and hearing now that Namjoon was getting better, that he had asked for help, that he was slowly finally turning into the person he knew he wished so dearly to be, made him release a breath of relief.

He too now felt better. Less guilty too, less burdened too.

“You don’t need to thank me”

“I do”

Seokjin felt like the other wanted to say more, but he tried not to focus on that sensation because, otherwise, he would have pushed him to say whatever he was keeping inside, and that would have brought Seokjin to miss and long for the other even more.

He already suffered too much for his distance, he didn’t want to think about Namjoon even more than he already did, at least until the other wouldn’t have been ready and healed.

“I… I’ll let you go now, but I’m glad you called back. I missed hearing your voice…”

A bit of silence passed between them and another tear fell.

“Can I call again? Sometime? Or even text… I don’t want to overstep, but-”

“You can, Joonie. It would make me happy, actually”

“Okay… So, I’ll hear from you soon?”

Seokjin turned around and started walking towards his office with a lighter heart.

“Sure. Bye, Joonie”

“Bye, hyung”

Namjoon didn’t call soon.

Seokjin neither.

They rarely heard each other’s voices again after that first time, except for brief conversations.

He texted, sometimes, and Seokjin texted him too, but he often stopped himself before he could dig too deep into what changes there had been in Namjoon’s life. He didn’t want to scare him or act too pushy.

He had decided to give Namjoon time, and even if it took him his whole strength to not call him every night before going to bed to ask him about his day, or to call him every morning while he was at work to be comforted, he knew this was the right way to act.

Since the day Namjoon had called, he had felt like someone who had been prohibited from eating something delicious for a long time that had succumbed to the temptation once: from that moment on, once he had come back to not having the possibility to taste that pleasure again, he had only been able to think of it. The way that deep voice had made him shudder, the way Namjoon’s words had caressed him like silk on his skin…

Seokjin often dreamt of Namjoon after the call, though. He had dreamt of him a lot even before, but now the images in his head felt and looked more vivid than ever.

Once he had woken up to the image of Namjoon crying in his arms, of rain soaking his clothes.

Sweaty and shivering, he had turned around and looked at the other side of the bed, where Namjoon had slept the first night they had spent together.

With his chest heaving, the man had closed his eyes and touched his arms and his chest just like he remembered Namjoon doing, but it didn’t feel the same.

Nothing felt the same and his head had hurt so much he had bursted out crying. He had got his pillow all wet with tears and he hadn’t slept more, in fear of seeing Namjoon again in his dreams.

Seokjin wasn’t an expert of English literature, but he loved to listen to Namjoon reciting poems.

That night, he had suddenly remembered one by John Keats. Namjoon had read for him a few written by the poet one day, and one in particular had somehow struck him.

Probably because at that time he was happy and warm and comfortable in Namjoon’s embrace, so he couldn’t really understand what the poet felt. The sadness, the absence… it all sounded foreign to his blessed out mind at the time, but now it felt fitting, to say the least.

The memory of those words that night had made him cry more.

‘Faded the flower and all its budded charms,
Faded the sight of beauty from my eyes,
Faded the shape of beauty from my arms,
Faded the voice, warmth, whiteness, paradise’

“What?”

Seokjin’s eyes widened as he looked at Taehyung’s and Jungkook’s shy gazes.

Their hands were interwined tightly over the table. It was sunday and Jungkook’s parents were sitting beside Seokjin for their usual family lunch, when the youngests had suddenly decided to speak up to tell them they had decided to move in together.

Seokjin’s mind was spinning when his brother took a deep breath and started explaining to the family what he and his boyfriend had planned..

“We know we are young and this may worry you a lot, but we have been reflecting upon this for some time now and we would like to try”

He looked nervous, and Jungkook squeezed his hand tighter before turning to his parents.

“Yes, exactly. We have been saving money and we both work alongside college. We know that it might not be easy at first, but we are graduating soon and we think that, after that, we will manage to afford a place to live together. Just the two of us”

Seokjin didn’t know what to say. His mind was a whirlwind of emotions and his stomach was churning with worry. A lot of thoughts came to his mind, and he felt guilty because just a few were happy and positive.

Taehyung looked between Jungkook and him, then he bit his lip and nodded at his boyfriend’s words.

“We wanted your opinion and we wanted to let you know so that you can advise us… It’s a first for us, all of this, and your support is really important for us”

Taehyung’s wide eyes fixed on Seokjin, full of admiration for his brother, full of hope.

But all Seokjin could think about were his worries for the future. For Taehyung’s and Jungkook’s, but also, egoistically, for his own.

Taehyung moving out would have meant finally facing the fact that his brother had grown up and he didn’t need his help anymore, or, at least, not like before.

He was happy Taehyung felt confident enough in his relationship that he was ready to live with Jungkook, but, at the same time, he felt scared.

Scared of letting his brother go.

He felt bad for that, but all his life he had been taking care of Taehyung. He had worked hard and he had found a home for them. He had done all of that alone, just so that Taehyung could have a place he could call home.

Now, the thought that Taehyung would have found another home, another place of his own, one he himself would have worked hard for, made him feel suddenly nostalgic. He felt bad for that, but he couldn't help it.

During the last months especially, Tahyung and Jungkook had been his greatest support. Thanks to them, he hadn’t felt lonely.

He felt so bad for his own selfish thought that bile climbed up his throat and he felt his chest squeezing.

He stood up as Jungkook’s parents smiled at the boys and stood up to hug them.

Jungkook hugged them back, but Taehyung didn’t take his eyes off his brother.

Seokjin suddenly felt out of air, so he excused himself with everybody and turned to walk away.

He couldn’t look into Taehyung’s eyes anymore. He wanted to be able to support him, to be able to hug him and tell him he was happy he had grown up too. He wanted to reassure him he would have helped him with everything he needed and he wanted to be the supportive brother he had always tried to be once again.

But right now, he just felt like a pathetic kid. He felt like crying and he felt even worse because of that. Taehyung and Jungkook didn’t deserve that.

He thought of Namjoon and, as he walked towards the balcony, he understood that during all the time he had thought that he could perfectly live without anyone, all the time he had lived thinking he could perfectly take care of himself without having to ask for help, he had been lying to himself.

He too needed love and he too needed a shoulder to lie on. Namjoon had made him understand that, but it was right now that Seokjin finally realized he too still had a long way to go when it came to taking care of himself.

He opened the door to the balcony and ignored the voices calling for him. Once he stepped out, he took a deep breath of air and tried to clear his mind. He closed his eyes and tried not to cry. He tried not to feel too horrible, tried not to pity himself too much.

He failed and a tear fell on his cheek. He took his head in his hands and tried not to sob to not feel even more pathetic.

Seokjin already missed Taehyung’s warmth even just thinking about it and he felt silly for that.

Taehyung wouldn’t have moved out the day after and he wouldn’t have left forever, he knew that. But he already missed Namjoon, he didn’t know if he would have been able to bear the pain of missing his family too.

This made him feel even more selfish and horrible.

Suddenly, a hand touched his shoulder and he gasped, immediately looking to the side to find his brother looking at him with damp eyes that mirrored his own.

Taehyung gulped and he looked even more nervous than before now, also concerned somehow and guilty too.

Seokjin’s chest filled with more horrendous feelings and he gulped, looking at his brother as he touched his shoulder.

“Hyung, are you okay?”

The elder sobbed and looked down, ashamed at himself. He shook his head and gripped the railing of the balcony between his hands.

“Tae, I’m so sorry for how I reacted… This… I’m really sorry, this is an important step for you and Jungkook and I should only be happy for you, but here I am… only thinking about myself”

He turned to Taehyung at that, and found him sniffling.

“I know right now it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m really proud of you two for taking such an important decision for your future! I’m sorry I’m acting like this… I’ve wanted you to have something that could be yours for my whole life… I did everything just for the sake of being able to give you something, and now that you want to do the same and build your own life, I act selfish and the only thing I can think about is you leaving…”

He blurted everything out in a single breath, and, when finished talking, he had no more air in his lungs and his chest felt even tighter. He looked at his brother’s earnest eyes and was about to look away in shame when he felt his arms swinging around him to hug him tight.

The warmth his brother’s embrace gave him made him sob and shake more and he hugged him back with even more force to find shelter in his arms, to ground himself and try to stop his mind from running to places he didn’t want to reach.

“I’m never going to leave you, hyung. Never”

“I know, but…”

Taehyung whispered against his neck and caressed his back.

“Hyung, I’m so sorry I told you about this in such a difficult time for you. I should have waited more… We should have told you later, when you would have felt better”

Seokjin knew what Taehyung was referring to and he chuckled between tears.

He thought about Namjoon and wondered if it would have been different to hear about Taehyung and Jungkook moving in together when he was still with the man.

When Namjoon was still there to hug him when his brother wasn’t around, when he spent the nights at his apartment whenever Taehyung was at Jungkook’s or when he came over on rainy sundays.

He liked to think he would have felt the same, that the worries and the selfish thoughts would have felt equally painful, but he knew it would have been different.

Of course, he would have still overthought about anything that could happen. He would have probably still cried. But this void in his chest, would have felt equally dark and hurtful?

“It’s not that… I would have still worried about you”

“Yes, but Professor Kim would have been there to hold you through this. Just like Jungkook will hold me when I will miss you too much” Taehyung detached himself from the hug just enough to brush the tears away from Seokjin’s face “You are the strongest person I know, hyung, I told you so many times… And I know we both will be able to get used to living in two different houses just fine, but we talked about this a lot of times already. It’s not a flaw to love and want to be loved. It’s not bad to desire warmth. I know how much he is important for you, it’s not wrong for you to feel sad without him”

“This isn’t only about missing him, though. It’s also about me being overprotective with you and I’m so sorry…” Taehyung caressed his jaw with a smile of reassurance.

“I know. And I just want you to know that this won’t be sudden. We still have to graduate first and we need to find a house, and I already told Jungkook I want our apartment to be close to yours because I can’t live too far from you. And we will still come to your house for movie nights. We will still come to sunday lunches and everytime you will need me or I will need you, we will only need to call. I will come immediately and you will do just the same”

Taehyung leaned forward and rested his forehead against Seokjin’s.

The elder’s heart bursted with warmth and slowly, so slowly, that warmth embraced the cold of his guilt and shame, the freeze of his worries and his trembling heart.

Taehyung was still the only one who could make him feel so safe and quiet. He was younger than Seokjin, but he also felt so mature in his ears when he managed to make him think straighter with his words only.

“It’s still just you and me. You are my family and this will never change, not even in a lifetime”

They looked at each other and Seokjin suddenly felt the sun hitting his back. He hadn’t noticed how chill but comforting the weather outside was since then, how the sun was bright and luminous that day.

It reflected in his brother’s eyes and in his boxy smile, the heat pleasantly surrounded the both of them and connected them in a way that helped Seokjin’s mind stop filling with unhelpful thoughts.

“I will never leave you. Me and Jungkook will always be there for you. You are so so strong, hyung. You are great, you just need to not forget that when things get tough”

Seokjin started crying once more and Taehyung’s arms flew around him again to hold him though the fit of tears.

“I love you, hyung. Thank you so much. This isn’t an end, this is a start. Please, don’t forget it”

Seokjin focused on his brother’s breathing against him, on the beating of his heart as he rested his head against his chest.

He caressed his fluffy hair and inhaled his sweet scent. A scent that surrounded his whole house, impregnated his clothes.

Taehyung. His family.

He was so proud.

Just like Taehyung had said, there was still a long time before he and Jungkook would have been able to move in together. They started looking for a place though and, surprisingly, Seokjin felt his heart flutter at the prospect of helping them.

After the initial shock, in fact, he had been happy to be beside Taehyung and Jungkook in their research and preparation. He still felt worried, but he supposed it was pretty normal as an older brother to feel like that.

He had reassured the boys he was okay, though, and that he would have supported them in every decision.

In December, snow started falling over Seoul. Between his busy days at the atelier, submerged by new orders everyday, new clients to entertain and his spring collection coming out in some weeks, and his quiet nights, spent with his family looking at rental sites or out with Hoseok, Seokjin had had to acknowledge that he could barely count on his fingers the times that he had chatted or talked on the phone with Namjoon.

He knew the professor’s book was about to come out, he knew he was coming back to Korea in the first months of the following year or so, and he knew he was feeling better.

The last time he had heard from him had been some weeks earlier.

It was late at night for Seokjin, and he was about to go to bed when he heard his phone ring from his bedside table. He was surprised to see Namjoon’s name on the screen and, as always, that made him gulp and squirm in his spot under the covers.

They didn’t exchange many words then because Namjoon was a bit busy, but he managed to tell Seokjin that he would have been able to be back in town for Hoseok’s sister’s wedding.

Hoseok had told about the big event to him at least a month earlier.

Seokjin knew Hoseok’s sister because of some dinners and shows the dancer had invited both of them to. She was bright just like her brother and incredibly gentle with everyone around her.

Hoseok had told Seokjin that she had had a boyfriend for four years and they had decided to get married in february.

Seokjin had also been asked to create the wedding dress, and, of course, he was invited to the event.

The girl had already come a few times to the atelier to design the dress and Seokjin thought it was coming out incredibly pretty.

He hadn’t even thought about Namjoon really coming back so soon, but now he felt a pleasurable tingle all over his body at the prospect of seeing him again.

Not exactly soon, but certainly sooner than he expected.

It felt like a lifetime to him since the last time he had seen Namjoon, and it wasn’t often that he allowed himself to think about meeting him again, but now he had decided to indulge in his desires more often and he usually found himself smiling every time he thought about it.

Also Hoseok seemed thrilled at the prospect of seeing his friend again.

They talked about it when he and his sister, Chaewon, came to the atelier to try on the girl’s wedding dress once Seokjin had finished assembling the first version of it.

He was crouching down in front of her, checking the hem of the wedding gown, a needle between his fingers when Hoseok spoke up.

The dancer was looking at them from a stool in the corner and he smiled wide at the sight of the dress on Chaewon's small frame. Her short hair and the white gown made her look young and ethereal.

“You did an amazing job, hyung! The dress is incredible!”

“It is! It’s just the first version, but I already love it, I couldn’t have asked for more!”

Chaewon smiled down at him after the praise and Seokjin felt happy.

“I’m glad you like it. I don’t really do wedding dresses, but I did my best. The fact that you like it so much it’s my biggest achievement”

Hoseok continued praising him and his creation until his phone rang with a notification and he squeaked as he read the text.

“It’s Joon! He has bought the tickets to get back to Korea! He is officially coming to your wedding, Chaewon!”

Seokjin stopped moving for a moment, the needle caught the cloth under his fingertips, his hands shaking slightly, but then he had to shake himself out of his trance when his colleague got into the room with more silk and threads for him, like he had asked.

He stood up from the floor and received the material from her, but he continued focusing on the siblings’ words as they talked about Namjoon and his return.

Hoseok seemed to want to stop himself a bit, but he also felt too excited to not express his joy immediately, even if Seokjin was there with them.

Chaewon looked equally happy and Seokjin couldn't help but smile at their joyful behavior.

“I’m so happy he is finally coming back! I also can’t wait to read his book! I’m sure he will win tons of prizes for it”

“He has always been talented, I have no doubts about that”

Seokjin walked around the girl and fixed some details on the back. He cleared his throat every once in a while, trying to not get too excited himself.

Hoseok seemed to notice his restlessness and he stopped himself mid sentence at some point.

“Oh, hyung. You already knew he was coming, right?”

Seokjin looked up from the tulle of the skirt and his eyes widened.

“Oh, yes, of course… Ehm… he actually told me himself some weeks ago. On the phone…”

Hoseok smirked a little at the words, then he turned to his sister and bit his lips. She giggled and Seokjin looked between the two.

“What?”

“You just seem nervous, that’s it”

Seokjin looked back down at the tulle and huffed.

“I’m not, its’ just… It’s…” he shook his head as Chaewon tried to look at him as he hid behind her.

She knew everything about him and Namjoon, or a big part of it anyway, because of her friendship with both of them, and she would have noticed his blush right away if she had managed to look at his face.

Seokjin glanced, not wanting the siblings to see how much he was affected by the whole situation.

“It’s scary to see him again after all these months”

“Scary? He can’t wait to see you, how is that scary”

Hoseok seemed sure but Seokjin just felt nauseous.

“It is. I want to see him too, but who knows what could happen between us. It's not like I’m sure he will want to be with me again…”

The siblings both snorted at the same time and that made Seokjin finally look up.

“What?” he repeated.

Hoseok shook his head and he crossed his arms over his chest to shrug.

“Nothing. You two are just incredibly funny”

Chaewon giggled too and Seokjin whined at how they were mocking him.

They didn’t talk again about Namjoon during the rest of the time together, but Seokjin could feel it in their mischievous gazes that they couldn’t wait to see what would have happened between him and Namjoon.

Christmas brought snow and laughs exchanged at a dinner table.

Seokjin and Taehyung spent it with Jungkook’s family and it felt good. It felt like home as always.

Soon it was a new year and Seokjin started noticing that things were slowly falling into place again.

It had been difficult to deal with a lot of things during the last few years, he had to admit it.

A lot of things had changed so fast, but now the world around Seokjin didn’t feel that overwhelming anymore: his job, his family, his heart. Everything around him seemed to be quieting down, like when after a thunderous, strong skyfall, the rain slowly went back to a steady rhythm. It still fell on umbrellas and formed puddles on the ground, making socks get wet inside people's boots whenever they splash the water with every step, but the constant tapping of it against roofs and the cold touch of teardrops over warm skin could also feel refreshing and not just overwhelming anymore.

Of course, unsurprisingly, comfortingly, it was raining on a January morning when Seokjin’s secretary knocked on the door of his studio.

He was inspecting some new fabrics, a tape measure around his neck and the sleeves of his warm sweater rolled up to his elbows, and he looked up with a small smile at the sight of the woman peeking her head inside the room.

She looked sheepish when she smiled back at him. She tapped with her fingers on the door and looked around, hesitating before speaking.

Seokjin was about to say something, but she turned fully to him at some point and took a deep breath.

“Kim Namjoon is here”

The cloth Seokjin had in hand immediately fell to the floor and his mouth opened in shock.

“What?” he murmured, not even conscious of his voice, that came out almost imperceptible.

He had to grasp the end of the table to keep a steady posture, but his legs still felt wobbly.

If he had felt fragile and weak when Namjoon had called the first time after months, now he felt absolutely delirious. He didn’t think he had ever felt this out of place in his own studio before.

He tried to recall if Hoseok or even Namjoon himself had ever told him anything about the man coming back to Korea this early, but nothing came to his mind.

The last time he had heard something from Namjoon was for Christmas, when they had called each other for the usual wishes. They had only exchanged a few words, like always when they spoke on the phone, always too scared to ask too much or to overstep, always too careful with each other, even after all that time spent away from the other.

He knew the wedding was soon, but he was severely unprepared to see Namjoon now, incredibly astonished.

Seokjin stood fazed for some moments, contemplating about what to really do with himself and with Kim Namjoon, the man he loved but hadn’t seen in more than six months, really being outside of his studio. Right now.

“If you want I can… I can tell him you are busy?” his secretary tried, looking restless herself as he waited for Seokjin to tell her what to do.

At that the man snapped out of his trance, or he tried, at least, and gulped down the lump in his throat. He touched his forehead and thought he had a fever with how much his skin was burning.

He also felt a drop of sweat falling down the side of his neck, so he closed his eyes, trying to not freak out.

“No, ehm… Tell him to come…” he looked around then, and touched his hair this time, grimacing at how tousled they were “Not now, though! Make him wait a minute or so, please”

The woman nodded, suddenly looking excited, and exited the room, closing the door behind herself.

Seokjin immediately runned to the side of the room and looked at himself in the mirror.

He hadn’t had a haircut since the photoshoot some months before and now he regretted it so much he was about to cover his hair with a cap. He hadn’t even put a tiny bit of makeup on that morning and his face looked pale.

He whined at the sight of his faint dark circles, but then he sighed. There was nothing he could do about it, anyway.

He was pondering if he should have kept his sleeves rolled up or not when another knock on his door made him jump.

Seokjin found himself thrilled and frightened at the same time, and suddenly this brought back to him the memories of the first times he had met with Namjoon.

Namjoon was really here. He had come back and he had come to see him on this rainy, cold morning.

“Just like the rain, that night you came suddenly and unexpected. Just like the rain you are both scary, because with you I feel so much all together, but you are also so sweet and kind. I fear you and I love you”

“Come in!”

The door opened on the other side of the room and Seokjin inhaled sharply at a sight he had waited to experience for such a long time.

How many times he had secretly wished for Namjoon to appear at his door or at the atelier, just like this, to then get disappointed when it didn’t happen. Of course, he knew that couldn’t happen, but still… it hurt every time.

But now…

Namjoon appeared inside the room and Seokjin felt like the rainbow had come again to paint his whole universe.

He was handsome, incredibly so. His hair was longer than what Seokjin remembered and he was wearing his glasses.

Namjoon was tall and had even more muscles than what the elder could recall. A few raindrops fell from his coat where his umbrella probably hadn’t been able to cover him and he was sporting a small smile on his face.

He looked expectant and unsure, and Seokjin’s heart squeezed. His hands interwined in front of himself and he bit his lip.

None of them knew what to say or if it was right to speak first, so they stood in silence for a few seconds before Namjoon cleared his throat.

“Hi hyung” he looked to the side, then down to his feet “Surprise? I guess…”

Seokjin had to laugh a bit at that.

“A surprise, indeed”

Namjoon looked up again once Seokjin finally spoke and he seemed to relax at the elder’s tone. He smiled back and took a step inside, closing the door behind himself.

“I’m sorry I came here like this… Without even calling or, I don’t know, telling you anything… I didn’t even text Hoseok before hopping on the plane, I think he might kill me when he knows”

Seokjin blinked, confused at the man’s words.

“What do you mean? Nobody knew you were coming back today?”

“I had to get back here in ten days, but I finished work earlier and didn’t have much to do… I also think I missed home a bit, so yeah… I packed everything and decided to come back earlier”

Seokjin must have looked very surprised because Namjoon chuckled nervously and scratched his neck.

“I know it may sound crazy, but… I wanted to be back as soon as possible”

The other nodded and didn’t ask more. He didn’t want to show it too much actually, but it felt like a dream to have Namjoon back to him… or, at least, to Seoul.... He felt like floating from how much he was happy to see Namjoon again, even just to know he was really okay and healthy. Even just to know that he still cared enough about him to come first to him before going to say hi to all his other friends.

“Well, it’s good to have you back. Really”

“It’s good to finally feel at home once again” Namjoon whispered, so low that Seokjin almost missed it, but loud enough for him to take a step closer and for his cheeks to bloom into a pink blush.

“I’m always good when we are together, do you still not know it?”

At that his secretary peeked her head inside the room once more and asked if they wanted tea or something. They both shyly nodded and Seokjin invited Namjoon to have a seat at his work table.

Seokjin couldn’t help but glance under his lashes at him at any given moment, to observe as the sides of his lips curved into his cute dimples whenever he smiled, the way his longer hair at his nape curled slightly on themselves, the way his eyes glinted everytime they fixed on him.

He really was back. Namjoon was back.

Seokjin had learned in the last year how just a few seconds could change your whole life, how your routine could be turned upside down when you least expected it to.

He thought he had chosen something when he had met Namjoon, but only now he knew what that choice had really brought to him, how much the small choice he had made then had changed the course of his life from the very first second.

He had often thought that big changes weren’t for him, but this small choice turned huge had taught him that maybe it wasn’t really like that.

Maybe not all big changes were that bad after all.

And maybe, just maybe, Namjoon was still the greatest choice he had ever made, even after all, ever after all the tears and the void.

It all made sense, it was all worth it right now, when he saw Namjoon again and he felt like he had made the right choice.

They made small talk for a bit, asking mindlessly about their lives as they stared into each other’s eyes. They were both shy and nervous and it was evident in how their voices sounded small and shaken.

“Actually…” Namjoon said at some point, startling Seokjin, who was still staring at the other’s frame, and thinking about Kim Namjoon being this close to him again “I’m also here to ask you for help”

Seokjin tilted his head in confusion as his secretary brought tea and some cookies for them.

“I know it may sound terrible! I’ve just come back and I’m already asking for a favor!” he shook his head and Seokjin grew even more curious, but he waited for him to say more “It’s not exactly polite of me, but well… I need a suit for Chaewon’s wedding and you are the only stylist I know”

Seokjin gasped after hearing that and he faked shock.

“Oh, so if you would have known another stylist you would have asked them? Are you not being too much of a brat right now, Kim Namjoon?”

Namjoon chuckled when he saw the amused glint in the elder’s eyes. Just then, they both seemed to catch up on how much the initial tension was already starting to dissipate, how they had fallen into a comfortable atmosphere and easy conversation just after a sip of tea and a warm smile.

Seokjin covered his wide smile with a hand and reached for a cookie on the table.

“Well, since you are in desperate need of me I think I might have to indulge you…” he said, with still a hint of amusement in his voice.

When he looked up again Namjoon’s eyes were fixed on him, on his hand holding the cup of tea, on his lips curling into a grin, on the skin of his bare forearms.

Skin Seokjin remembered him touching, lips Seokjin remembered him grazing with his own, getting them wet with the force of his kisses.

Suddenly the smile fell from his lips and he had to set down the cup to grip his slacks between his fingers and not tremble under the man’s scrutinous look.

“You…”

The word came out so weak that he closed his eyes and tried to focus on the sound of the rain pit pattering against the windows before trying again.

“You said you need a suit?”

It took a moment to the younger too before he focused back on the main topic and then he blinked, embarassed.

“Yes… I don’t want to look lackluster at a friend’s wedding, but I don’t really know what to ask for, so I thought that I could just entrust myself to you?”

“Ehm, sure”

Seokjin really tried not to think about how much the words seemed to have a double meaning behind them at that moment and he nodded, trying to look as focused on the task at hand as possible.

He reached for one of the binders he kept to the side with all the samples of his designs. He held the one for the suits and opened it in front of himself with a hum.

“Were you thinking about ordering one from our collection or would you want a customized one?”

Namjoon puffed his cheeks in thought and Seokjin stopped the urge to coo at how adorable he looked.

“I don’t really know… What do you think would be better?”

With that he stood up and came closer to the other, coming to a halt behind him to look down at the designs in the binder. Seokjin took a deep breath before answering.

“Well, some of our suits are perfect even for weddings, like this one, but maybe we could add something customized? I was thinking of maybe doing some adjustments to one of our suit jackets, so that we can make it more fancy and personal”

He pointed at a sample on the page to show it to Namjoon and felt the man leaning slightly closer to look at the design better. His hand came to rest on the table, near Seokjin’s arm, while his broad form seemed to cage him whole with the way he covered his back almost completely.

They weren’t even touching, but Seokjin felt like bursting into flames.

“This looks really good. I like that it’s dark blue, and I think some adjustments would be even better, just like you said”

Seokjin got distracted for a moment by Namjoon’s large hand as it gestured over the page and he blinked, wondering if the other felt just even a little bit of the heat that was rushing to him in strong waves too.

“Ehm, okay, good… I can think of something then send a few samples to you to choose between”

Namjoon finally stepped back away from him and Seokjin felt the need to finally inhale as much air as he could.

When he turned around, Namjoon was looking down at him and he seemed on the point of saying something more, something Seokjin didn’t want to dig into yet, still very much stunned by his arrival and eager to just keep him close for a bit more, without worries and answers to get and give in between.

He had waited for months to see him again, now words could wait for a while.

“I think I need to take your measurements first, though… This way we can start working on the suit as soon as possible, since the wedding is so close”

Namjoon looked down at himself and nodded as he finally took off his coat, which he had still on, even if he seemed to be realizing it just now.

“Sure”

He put his black coat to the side on a hanger, then turned back to Seokjin with his arms awkwardly stretched out on his sides.

“Okay, what do I have to do?”

Seokjin laughed at his lost expression and got closer to him, reaching for his measuring tape around his neck.

“Nothing strange, you just need to stay still and I’ll do the work”

Seokjin stood up and walked closer to him, inspecting his body like he would have done with every one of the people he often took measurements of, but this time, he did it slower, taking the chance of admiring Namjoon again after so many months spent apart.

He didn’t need to take this much time, really… he noticed almost immediately that he seemed to already know Namjoon’s body by heart, that the time away from each other had done nothing to erase the memory of his shape in Seokjin’s mind.

It could be called occupational hazard, or simply the fact that Seokjin had dreamt of that body almost every night since Namjoon had left, but Seokjin noticed immediately that he already had an idea of the man's measurements.

When he looked back up, Namjoon’s eyes were wide, but they got wider when Seokjin stepped closer.

“I’ll start with the measurements for the jacket, is that okay?”

After a quick nod, Seokjin walked behind Namjoon and measured the width of his shoulders.

He brushed his fingers against the soft material of Namjoon’s sweater and smiled unconsciously, then he measured from his nape to his waist.

“So, you are famous now, mmh?”

Seokjin chuckled and wrote on a notebook the measure before coming back to the front of Namjoon’s body.

“I’m really not. It was just a few magazines and only one cover”

“Yeah, but that’s huge… I mean, I read about you firm even on english papers once”

Seokjin felt shy for a second, and he felt even hotter because of how close he needed to get to Namjoon in order to measure the length of his arm, from his shoulder to his wrist.

“That’s great to know, but I don’t feel famous. It’s not like people ask me for photos or autographs when I walk down the street”

“Do you want me to ask you for a photo? I could do that, it’s been a long time since we took a photo together”

The words were intended as a joke, but when Seokjin looked up at the man, none of them was smiling.

Seokjin turned to write in his notebook the measurements before the loud thrumming of his heart could be heard, and braced himself for the next step.

“I think… I need to…” he gestured to Namjoons waist when he turned back, signaling to him that he would have had to raise his arms in order to let Seokjin circle the tape around him.

“Oh, okay”

Seokjin held his breath as he reached around Namjoon’s body to measure the circumference of his slim waist.

He looked down at the tape and tried to focus on it, but as he was slightly crouching down, he felt Namjoon’s breath on his hair and thought he was about to pass out from how it sent shivers all over his overheated body.

“Okay”

When he finally turned back around, he felt Namjoon relaxing too as the distance between them increased.

“Is your brother okay?” he asked, trying to focus on something that wasn’t Seokjin touching him everywhere, probably.

“He is! He and Jungkook have decided to move in together after graduating, you know?”

He moved to the side to measure the length of the professor’s leg as he spoke and a smile appeared on his face at the thought of his brother.

“Oh, wow! That’s great!” when Seokjin straightened up Namjoon hummed thoughtfully, though “It must have been a shock for you, though. I know how close you two are…”

Seokjin couldn’t help but sigh at the question and he looked around with a scowling expression.

“It was. It still is somehow, but I’m slowly accepting it. Taehyung promised we will still see each other a lot and I know he is in good hands with Jungkook. They will take care of each other”

“‘I’m sure about that”

The reassuring smile Namjoon showed him made his heart swell once again and he thought about all the times Namjoon had been together with him and the boys, how good those moments between them had felt.

Once again, he had to blink the images away from before his eyes to not lose his composure.

The next step was measuring the circumference of Namjoon’s thigh and Seokjin crouched down in front of him to do it.

Namjoon cleared his throat loudly and Seokjin tried with his whole heart to think of everything that wasn’t their compromising position.

“Anyway, with your upcoming book you will become famous too, I suppose”

“Oh, really not…” Namjoon laughed, amused “It will be just a long book for scholars and Shakespeare enthusiasts”

“But Hoseok said you will win prizes for it”

“Hoseok always exaggerates”

Seokjin moved to circle the tape around Namjoon’s hips, lower than before, and ignored Namjoon’s intake of breath in order to hum at his statement.

“I don’t think so, though… Why are you always so humble?”

Namjoon scoffed.

“Says you…”

Seokjin looked up at him with a glare and Namjoon couldn’t help but laugh against his hand at the sight, almost endearingly.

“What?”

“It’s nothing”

“Tell me!”

Namjoon huffed and looked at the street outside the steamy windows.

“I didn’t remember how cute you could look, how adorable you are. Sometimes I thought about it, but no memory could ever give justice to the real show… Just like nothing else that concerns you, this is a once-in-a-lifetime-sight”

It could be more than once, if you stayed.

Seokjin forgot for a moment what he was doing and looked down at his hands.

His mind could only play a single word on repeat and he had to do everything in his power to not yell it out loud.

Stay. Stay. Stay.

Look at me again. Make me smile again. Make me angry again. Make me cry again.

Stay.

“Sorry”

“About what?” Seokjin whispered, peering up at him.

“I didn’t mean to…”

“You don’t need to say sorry. Don’t say sorry, please”

“Okay”

Seokjin could still remember Namjoon’s last ‘sorry’ and right now, that was the last thing he wanted to think about.

“I really don’t-”

“No, ssh, please”

When Seokjin searched for the man’s eyes from where he was still crouching in front of him, his look was soft and gentle. He hoped this could comfort Namjoon, he hoped it could convey just how much he really didn’t need any apology right now.

“Okay, hyung” Namjoon repeated, his own look fond and peaceful. Not the shadow of a doubt or a turmoil was hidden behind his irises, and that made Seokjin’s chest feel light.

“Okay, well... “ he said, licking his lips “There’s one last measure left. Can you stay still?”

Namjoon blinked and looked down at himself.

“But I am still”

“Well, stay even more still”

A nervous silence fell on them when Seokjin moved to measure the space from the hem of Namjoon’s slacks to the inseam.

Seokjin tried not to even graze his fingers against the cloth and cursed internally at how awkward this felt with Namjoon even if it was always so easy with everyone else.

He did everything quickly, then stood up with his blush high on his face and neck.

“Okay, I’m done”

“Cool”

Seokjin went to take a sip of tea to ignore the sudden discomfort, then grabbed his notebook.

“So, I guess I will prepare some ideas so we can choose fast and we can have the suit ready in… let’s see…” he looked at his agenda on the table and hummed “Two weeks?”

“This early?”

“I’m good at my job, what do you think!”

Slowly the atmosphere drifted back to normal and they both grinned.

“Okay, then you’ll call me for an appointment?”

“Sure”

Seokjin’s phone rang as he nodded and, looking at the clock on the side of the room, he noticed he was late for an appointment. Namjoon seemed to understand the situation and started putting his coat back on.

“I guess it’s time for me to go, I already kept you here for enough time. Thank you so much hyung”

“No problem, really. This wedding is one of my priorities right now, I want everything to be perfect”

“It will be with your help”

Namjoon lingered in the center of the room for some second, once again on the verge of saying something, but then he coughed and turned to the door.

Seokjin felt reluctant to let him go too, but he didn’t know what else to say to keep him close for more, so he just waved at him with a smile.

When Namjoon opened the door, he looked back one last time and Seokjin suddenly thought of the absurdity of it all.

The man had flown from England to Korea and the first thing he had thought of doing was come to him and ask for a suit.

He didn’t know if all this rush had been just an excuse to see him as soon as possible or something else but either way, Namjoon was back.

Namjoon had come back and, suddenly, the rain washed away even the last remnants of Seokjin’s anxieties.

“What do you mean he has come back?! Are you serious?”

Taehyung pushed his now faded pink hair away from his forehead and Jungkook looked up from his phone and stopped munching on his snack at the revelation.

“Prof Kim has really come back, hyung?”

“Yes. He is back” Seokjin mumbled, going back to setting the table for the dinner that he had organized.

Jungkook and Taehyung were already there, but Seokjin was expecting also Jimin and Hoseok. He glanced at the clock while Taehyung scoffed, incredulous, and hurried back to the kitchen to check on the food he was preparing.

“And he didn’t say anything to Hoseok hyung?”

Seokjin hummed as he got back to the dining table and found the boys looking at him.

“Exactly”

Jungkook laughed then and he shook his head.

“He is going to be so mad”

And in fact, when just a few minutes later Hoseok and Jimin arrived, Seokjin opened the door to greet an extremely distressed friend and an incredibly confused one.

“I can’t believe he didn’t even tell me before coming back! He said he just straight up decided to book the first plane once he finally managed to settle everything in England and hopped on it without even calling his family!” at that Hoseok turned to Seokjin, who was looking down at his plate with pink cheeks, and squinted his eyes at him “He didn’t even go home before coming to you, you know?”

Jimin made a cooing sound at the confession, but immediately shut up when Hoseok turned to him with his angry gaze.

“I’m so mad! Tonight he went to see his mother, but once I see him it’s over for him”

Taehyung and Jungkook snickered from the other side of the table and Hoseok looked one last time at Seokjin when the latter didn’t say anything.

“You two better make up fast because if he is your boyfriend I may decide to not kill him the second I meet him again!”

Seokjin got even redder then and he closed his eyes.

“I don’t know if…”

“Oh, don’t start, Kim Seokjin!” Hoseok warned, pointing at him with his chopsticks “He wants you back or otherwise he wouldn’t have taken the first plane to get back to you”

“But nothing really changed between us for him to get back this quickly for me! We barely texted during these months and we knew things about each other just because of you!”

Hoseok huffed then, exasperated.

“Yeah, but he has been super busy and he told me he rushed everything in his schedule to get back sooner! He knew you were okay with talking to him because you texted and he also knew one way or another you would have met at the wedding, so I just think he tried his luck and came to the atelier because he missed you!”

Seokjin thought about their texts and remembered them only talking about trivial things and only referring to the past whenever one of them sent a timid ‘I miss you’ scattered here and there.

Sure they missed each other, but Seokjin thought he had been the only one to long for the other so strongly that he himself had thought about just taking the first flight and flying to him more times that he could count.

The fact that Namjoon might have longed for him just as much had only been a dream for him and Hoseok was picturing it as a reality right now, so that shocked him for a moment.

“You think…” he whispered, looking up to find all of his friends looking at him with sure and sincere eyes “You really think we can start again?”

It was scary… The prospect of hearing a ‘no’ was the scariest thing in his mind, especially because he had told it to himself so many times already and had come to the point of believing it entirely, of not even being able to imagine a different outcome.

“I think so” Hoseok said confidently, instead, and it made Seokjin feel warm.

“No offense to Prof Kim, but if he doesn’t want to, then he is an idiot” Jungkook followed, receiving an approving nod from his boyfriend.

Seokjin glanced at Hoseok and found him smiling softly.

“I think he wants to”

The elder still felt scared, but that smile made him grin too and he felt his body relax a bit

He wanted Namjoon with every fiber of his body and soul. The least he could do was try again, right?

It had been a week since their first encounter and Seokjin and Namjoon had talked on the phone almost everyday since then. Namjoon was busy visiting friends and family after coming back to Korea, so they hadn’t seen each other (because of this and the fact that neither of them had really dared to ask, actually), but Seokjin had sent some ideas for the suit to him and he was now working on it.

They had decided to meet in a few days for a fitting and Seokjin was ecstatic.

Hoseok had convinced him to try and live everything without thinking much about the past, and, even if he wasn’t that good at that, he was trying.

They had separated in order to learn how to deal with whatever was bothering them in their lives and maybe now, when a lot of things had changed in their mindsets, could really be the right time for them to be happy… together.

So, the next time Namjoon came to the atelier, Seokjin was certainly more prepared.

He had gone for a haircut and he had put on lipgloss and perfume. He had dressed more accurately too and he was ready when his secretary knocked on the door.

He could tell Namjoon had put effort in his outfit too and that made him smile.

“This is incredible, hyung! You really made the suit unique!”

“Thank you!” Seokjin looked down at the suit he was showing the man and pointed at the various details he had added “Like we had thought, the shirt underneath it’s still simple, but I added the silver decorations to the sleeves and the rim. To make the jacket even more singular I lined the inside with dark silver satin. I hope you won’t find it too flashy?”

“It’s not. It’s perfect”

Namjoon looked up with a big smile and Seokjin couldn’t stop himself before he was moving to rest a hand on his shoulder with a chuckle.

That made the both of them get stiff for a second, but before Seokjin could retract his hand, embarrassed and suddenly incredibly nervous, Namjoon turned even more to him and raised his own hand to touch the elder’s one.

His fingers grazed against the back of it for a second before Namjoon tentatively rested his right hand on Seokjin’s shaking one on his shoulder.

Seokjin silently gasped at their first real contact after so many months.

He had almost forgotten how warm Namjoon could be, how reassuring his aura could be for Seokjin and how rough but homely the skin of his palm felt.

Namjoon held his breath and he gripped the other’s hand lightly, just enough to remove it from his shoulder and hold it in a more secure grip in front of himself, in the now little space between their bodies.

His large palm enveloped Seokjin’s, his pointer finger grazed the underside of his wrist and, if he just had pressed on it a bit more, Namjoon would have been able to easily tell the exact moment the elder’s pulse quickened at an impossible rate.

They stood there for a second, their hands finally reunited in a hot grip, until Seokjin released a breath, still not looking away from their fingers.

“Maybe you should try it on? To see if it fits all right or if we have to do some adjustments?”

He didn’t let Namjoon’s fingers go, though, even after pronouncing the words, and that made the man smirk. He caressed the back of his hand with his thumb before looking up and nodding.

“Aye-aye, hyungie”

The words made Seokjin gulp, but he smiled wide nonetheless and let Namjoon’s hand go.

The younger walked to the side of the room and got inside the small changing room to wear the suit.

When he walked out, he looked perfect. His muscled body was hugged in all the right places by the fabric and the details Seokjin had added just gave the right amount of fanciness to the whole picture.

He got closer to check some seams and hummed as he crouched down to see if the pant’s hem needed to be fixed.

“It’s basically done. I’ll just have to fix the last details, then I can hand it over to you in a few days. Just in time for the wedding”

“Thank you, hyung. You are the best”

Seokjin chuckled again and helped Namjoon take off the jacked to mark some modifications he needed to do with some pins.

“Stop it now! You sound too surprised! You really thought I couldn’t do it?” he looked at the younger with a raised brow as he folded the jacket on his arm.

Namjoon shook his head, but before he could say more, Seokjin turned towards his work table.

He wrote in his notebook the various things he needed to fix and didn’t notice Namjoon getting closer until he felt his presence right beside him.

“Is there a possibility for us to see each other before the wedding? And maybe not in the atelier but… let’s say… for dinner?”

Seokjin halted his movements and looked up from his notebook to glance at the man.

“I would like to talk to you, if you feel like it…”

Namjoon looked vulnerable as he fiddled with his fingers and looked everywhere on Seokjin’s face but not into his eyes. Once again, just like many months earlier, he looked young and unsure and that made Seokjin’s heart squeeze. And even if he was scared to talk to him and not have a jacket or a shirt to think about in the way, he nodded because he needed that talk too… He wanted that talk and he wanted to hold Namjoon’s hand again.

“But not at dinner”

Namjoon looked taken aback.

“Not at dinner?”

Seokjin didn’t know how to put it without telling Namjoon that dinner would have reminded him too much of times where dinner would bring them to one of their apartments after, to nights of kisses and touches and silent gasps whose memories always made him weak in the knees.

Not that lunches or breakfasts didn’t, but dinners were different. The dark of the night blurred his mind and brought him back to fever dreams of Namjoon’s lips and hands and he didn’t think it would have brought the right atmosphere for him to focus on their serious talk.

“Not yet, if you don't mind. I think coffee would be more… informal?”

Informal… yes, that was a way to put it if ‘less reminiscent of nights where you would pull me by the hand after eating to drive me home and cage me against the bed to take my breath away’ could be called /formal/.

Yeah, maybe it was too much to let Namjoon know all of that. Coffee was better for now.

Namjoon blinked and nodded back at the elder, visibly puzzled by Seokjin’s weird reaction, but he also seemed likely to accept whatever Seokjin would have wanted to give him if it meant spending time together.

“What about friday? I could bring you the suit and then we can go to that chill cafè near your apartment?” he suggested, suddenly reminded of the place he and Namjoon used to go to on lazy sunday mornings to eat breakfast.

“Sounds perfect”

Namjoon smiled at him, and before he could go back to the changing room, he squeezed Seokjin’s hand again, leaving his mind even fuzzier than before.

Seokjin was wearing his dark green coat and his forehead was exposed as he had brushed his bangs to the sides of his face carefully. Underneath the coat he had a large sweater that he knew could fall down his shoulders a bit and expose his collarbones when he moved too much. His cheeks reddened as he thought about how he had chosen that specific sweater just because of that.

He knocked on the door of Namjoon’s apartment and waited impatiently with his brand new suit in hand.

When Namjoon opened the door, he looked in a rush but he smiled at Seokjin nonetheless. He leaned against his door though, almost as if he was trying to cover what was inside his house.

“Hyung! You are…” he looked at his watch then and grimaced “...on time… I’m ready, though! Just a minute!”

Seokjin smiled as he nodded, watching as Namjoon looked back again and grumbled something under his breath, reaching to the side to grab his coat from the hanger.

The elder couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked, how his hair was messy but made him look so hot, how the fabric of his grey sweater clinged to his broad shoulders.

Before he could fully exit the apartment, Seokjin offered him the suit to take and Namjoon bowed at him.

“Oh right! Thank you so much again for this, hyung. Thank you”

“Once again, it’s really no problem”

Namjoon put the suit inside his house and closed the door of his apartment behind himself, then he looked at Seokjin apologetically.

“Sorry for… ehm… My house is a mess right now with all the things from the moving and I couldn’t find some of my clothes before, so that’s why I’m…” he pointed at himself and his slightly wrinkled pants and scratched his nape.

“Sorry again…”

“Don’t worry! I get it… And you” Seokjin looked to the side before continuing “You look good”

When he looked up, Namjoon was staring right at him and suddenly Seokjin felt small and fragile in the silent hallway in front of his apartment door.

“And you look beautiful”

They started walking towards the exit of the building in silence and Seokjin hid his hands in his pockets.

The weather outside was cold and it was drizzling over them as they crossed the street towards the cafe.

Neither of them seemed to dare to speak more after the exchange of compliments, but Seokjin didn’t feel uncomfortable. Nervous, maybe… a bit restless too, but he was starting to get accustomed to the feeling once again since Namjoon had come back, because that was how he had always felt in his presence, even if he had forgotten about it for a while.

Everything felt the same between them apart from one thing.

Namjoon had always looked so powerful, his personality so charismatic, and that had always surprised Seokjin.

Right now, it still felt like it, his presence was still very much noticeable and heavy wherever he went, but now his exterior also seemed to timidly crack sometimes. His armor felt thinner to Seokjin’s eyes as he spent more time with him, and behind it, he was also finally able to see a bit of vulnerability. Seokjin had just been able to spot that part of him in moments when they were alone, hidden in the dark of their apartments, bare and exposed to each other, so it felt new to him to be able to observe this side of Namjoon in public.

This childish and shy trait of his personality felt fresh, it made his eyes glint cutely and his hands tremble a little whenever he didn’t feel too confident, and that was something that he had always tried to hide before.

Seokjin remembered loving that part of him, adoring the way he would look so much younger in those moments in which he allowed himself to show his insecurities, and right now, that made him feel connected to Namjoon in some much deeper, magical way, especially because that glint of shyness now was more present.

Every time he had met Namjoon in the last days he had noticed a bit more of that exterior shell cracking under his gaze and that had made him feel like the man was finally opening up more without even realizing it.

Before, probably unconsciously, it was like Namjoon had always felt ashamed of that small part of himself and had always tried to hide it from everyone’s eyes, except from when he felt most comfortable.

But now it was different.

Now Namjoon was slowly letting his shield fall in order to let Seokjin see what was underneath, all his worries and his insecurities, all his questions and his lies… it was all slowly crumbling down in front of Seokjin’s eyes.

The elder felt glad and blessed to be able to witness this change and he felt proud.

Namjoon was trusting him enough to let him see that even him wasn’t perfect, that even him wasn’t always okay and sure of himself.

He had seen that naked part of him on a sad day once, but now it wasn’t a sad day anymore.

“What do you want to drink?”

Seokjin looked up from the menu he was holding and glanced at Namjoon, seated at the opposite side of the small, circular table.

“Hot chocolate. You?”

Namjoon closed the menu, then, and grinned.

“The same”

The waiter came to take their orders and Namjoon bit his lips as he watched Seokjin closely.

The elder touched his neck then and noticed that his sweater had already exposed his collarbones a bit, so he suddenly felt shy and looked down, trying to hide his pink ears and cheeks.

Namjoon coughed then and Seokjin could feel it in the air that he was thinking about what to say, looking for the right words to express what he had in mind.

“Ehm… I don’t really want to ruin our afternoon from the start or make the chocolate taste bitter, but…” he looked anxious as he spoke and, even if Seokjin thought he knew what Namjoon was trying to express, that made him nervous too.

“I think I need to tell you a few things before we start, ehm… seeing each other again?” Namjoon grimaced at his own words before looking away “No, not like that… I mean, not so soon?”

His blabbering made Seokjin smile a bit and he tried to ease the tension when their chocolates arrived by pushing his closer to the man.

“Here, drink this before you continue, okay?” he smiled softly and Namjoon looked at him with wide eyes “I know what you mean. Don’t worry, Joonie”

The affectionate word slipped before he could stop himself, but Seokjin was glad it happened when he saw Namjoon’s shoulders visibly deflating and his cheeks grow pink.

“Okay” he drank his chocolate, looking away from Seokjin’s curious eyes “I think I owe you an explanation. Because you helped me in ways I cannot fully comprehend, and, somehow, I feel like an explanation is the minimum of a thank you that I can give you”

Seokjin warmed his hands up with his chocolate as he listened. He didn’t think he needed Namjoon to thank him for anything, instead, it was him who owed so much to Namjoon. He didn’t want to interrupt the professor, though, since it seemed like he was on the verge of expressing something he had been thinking of telling him for a long time, so he kept quiet..

“While I was away I worked a lot. On myself, at the university, on my book. Like you said, I tried to find a starting point for myself, without lies”

Seokjin remembered his own words and shivered, thinking of the day he had last seen Namjoon under the rain.

“I was happy there, but I missed you… I missed you like crazy…” Namjoon scratched his neck and looked to the door, where people kept coming inside the cafè to find shelter from the rain.

“But I didn’t know if it would have been fine to contact you, since you had been the one to ask for some time apart. And also, I didn’t know what to tell you once I contacted you because I still felt like a lot of things were unsolved for me and I wanted to be back only once I was sure I could be someone who deserved you… someone you could be proud of”

The words made Seokjin’s heart squeeze and he blinked at the other.

“I’m not that perfect either, Namjoon, and you know that”

“Yes, but I made a mistake. And a big one”

“But you also helped me so much and I learned a lot from you… While me…” Namjoon fiddled with his fingers on his lap and he looked curious as to what Seokjin would have said after.

“I cried after Taehyung told me he wanted to move in with Jungkook… And not happy tears. I only thought about myself and I cried because I was scared to be alone, and still now it’s difficult to think of living without Taehyung, even if I’m starting to get used to the idea… I acted egoistically.”

He felt ashamed once again at the admission, but he looked into the younger’s eyes anyway “So I’m really not someone to look up to”

“For me you are. You didn’t get mad at me when I lied to you and you offered me a way to fix things… I wouldn’t have been able to let you go if you haven’t been so firm, so strong”

They both looked down, suddenly hyper aware of how much had happened between them, how much they had been through, and how much there still was between them.

Feelings, worries, questions.

“So I tried for you and for myself. I worked to not feel too guilty, but I also asked for help. And it’s working. I’m getting better and, when I came back, I talked with my mum. I tried when I was away but it didn’t feel right to do it from afar and I knew I needed to do that in person”

Seokjin felt himself shuddering from tension. He thought about Namjoon having to face all his worries alone, about how strong he had been during those moths.

He didn’t say anything to make Namjoon speak more and he only waited for him to continue, even if some seconds passed before the other could find it in his heart to keep explaining.

The elder had the urge to reach out and brush a strand of hair away from his forehead for comfort then, or to hold his hand and whisper reassurances to him, but everything felt futile to him knowing the only person Namjoon was struggling with was himself.

“It was difficult, I have to say. We are still working on it but we are getting there too” his eyes wandered back from the man’s neck to his eyes and stayed there “And also all my closest friends know that I’m single now and, well… they also know about you because, apparently, now that I have started, it seems like I can’t stop talking about you”

They chuckled, shyness showing itself on their cheeks and ears, before Namjoon started rambling again.

“Again, this doesn’t mean I am expecting something from you. I-I talk about you but that doesn’t… I mean, I don’t-“

“That’s fine Namjoon! Don’t worry, I get it”

Seokjin was trying to act mature and quiet, but his mind and his heart was a mess of mixed feelings.

He was glad they were really talking again, he was overwhelmed by how much sentiment Namjoon was pouring in everything he was saying and how much struggle he was showing behind every honest admission.

He wanted to hold Namjoon close and tell him he didn’t need to explain and that Seokjin could see how much he was trying, for real. But, at the same time, he knew this speech wasn’t really for him, but for Namjoon himself. It was proof that he was getting where he wanted, that he was really doing something for himself.

“With this I just wanted to tell you that you were right. I needed time and I need to thank you for showing me I needed it and for giving me just that”

Seokjin didn’t even notice when the first tear got his cheek wet as he locked eyes with Namjoon.

Like a single drop of rain against a window, it rolled down the side of his face and, before it could fall, Namjoon leaned forward to catch it.

More tears came after that and Namjoon looked at him, not diverting his gaze for even a second.

“I’m proud of you” Seokjin murmured, sniffing.

“I’m proud of you” the other repeated, smiling a little.

Seokjin had to look down when he started crying more, feeling his whole body going numb from how strong all the feelings at once were hitting him.

His whole body shook with loud sobs and at this point, he didn’t really know what he was crying for anymore.

He had missed Namjoon too much, he loved him too much.

Namjoon scooted closer with his chair and before Seokjin could say anything, Namjoon was already reaching for his hand.

“Baby?”

The elder’s eyes snapped up and he felt his lips tremble violently, his whole body crushing with emotion.

“Say that again”

It had been so long since he had last heard that word pronounced by that specific low voice and hiccuped, broken by the realisation that it still made him feel as fragile as ever.

Namjoon squeezed his fingers.

“Baby…”

Seokjin couldn’t bring himself to care about the fact that he was tearing up like a kid in the middle of a packed cafè because Namjoon was soothing his hurting heart with his deep voice and he was beside him again. He was back and he wanted Seokjin too.

Namjoon was still his.

“Again…”

The younger got even closer and circled his hand with both of his own as he chanted a series of whispers close to Seokjin’s cheek.

“Baby, my baby…”

Seokjin opened his eyes to stare into Namjoon’s glassy ones and he held out his free hand to caress his face, to touch that cold and damp skin.

“You are here”

Namjoon nodded and nuzzled against the palm softly touching his face and kissed it multiple times, making Seokjin tremble like a leaf as he felt the touch of his chapped lips.

“I love you so much, baby…”

Between sniffles, Seokjin smiled as he heard those words and Namjoon kissed his fingers again.

Their hot chocolates got cold in their mugs as they stared at the other for a while, not saying anything, only basking in the serenity brought by each other’s presence.

Seokjin thought of all those nights he had spent under his covers, thinking of the way nothing ever felt as mellow as the trace of Namjoon’s fingers grazing over his arms and hands, over his shoulders and back.

He always cried a bit more when he was reminded of how Namjoon always got closer to him in his sleep at night and unconsciously traced the line of his jaw with the tip of his nose, tickling Seokjin and making him open his eyes. He never minded it, though, whenever it happened, because it gave him the possibility to witness the sight of the gorgeous man lying peacefully on his side and to really appreciate the warmth of his body in his arms.

Right now, in this small, cozy cafe in the middle of a rainstorm, Seokjin felt that calming familiarity once again as he observed Namjoon’s tears falling on his own hand, and he smiled, making Namjoon smile back.

“I knew since that meeting when you compared me to Dorian Gray that you would have caused fuss in my life, Mr. Kim”

Namjoon laughed, throwing his head back a little before looking back.

“You always compare me to something or someone. Once I’m Dorian Gray, then I’m the rain”

“It’s because you are everything. I can see you in everything, hyung, that’s why it’s so easy for me to make metaphors about you or bring up poetry when I need to speak of what I feel for you. While I was in England and I was writing my book, I knew I needed to focus on Shakespeare , but you were still all I could think about, so at night, after working on that, I wrote some more in a notebook. Poems, stories, thoughts… everything that came to my mind, and it was all somehow related to you”

“Will you let me read some of that sometime?”

Namjoon bit his lip, suddenly shy.

“Does that mean we can see each other for a second date?”

Seokjin’s grin got wider as the other caressed the side of his neck with a hand and he couldn’t contain his blush.

“Whenever you want. I don’t think I can go another day without at least having the prospect of going on another date with you. I can’t bear not knowing how you are another day” he looked at Namjoon, his eyes heavy with tears again “I have been brave once by letting you go, but I don’t think I will be able to do it again, Joonie”

“I don’t want you to do it. I don’t want us to do anything that could make us feel so hurt again. I need to feel you close. Will you let me?”

Seokjiin nodded briefly, letting Namjoon nuzzle against his palm once again with a soft smile.

They didn’t say much more for the rest of the date. They didn’t feel like they had the strength to after everything they had unpacked from the six months they had spent apart in just the span of some minutes. They knew they had all the time they wanted now that they were both at peace, willing to jump into this fully once again, and this time with less burdens on their backs and more desires deep in their hearts.

As Seokjin continued holding onto the other’s wrist while they ordered some sweets, he thought of how much time had passed since the last time everything had felt so right to him.

They still had a long way to go, but Seokjin didn’t feel scared anymore.

As they exited the cafe, still hand in hand, and he noticed small droplets of rain still falling from the sky, their shoes splashing in the small puddles on the concrete of the sidewalk, Seokjin looked at Namjoon, who circled his waist with his arm.

When he rested his head against the younger’s shoulder, he took a deep breath, inhaling his calming scent.

Terrific and gentle, indeed.

The day of the long awaited wedding, Seokjin found himself completely caught up in the preparations early in the morning.

He and his assistant brought the wedding dress to Chaewon’s house and helped her get ready. Hoseok helped too and he snapped photos of his sister’s glowing smile every chance he had.

Seokjin looked proud at his work once everything was ready and the woman stood in front of the mirror to take one last look at herself with delight.

Hoseok shed a few tears and hugged them all tightly before they left the house to reach the place of the ceremony.

Once at the venue, Seokjin left the Jung siblings to their family and went to greet friends and family. He waited for Taehyung and Jungkook to arrive and beamed when he noticed their cherry coloured hair stand out between the crowd of guests, then he hugged Jimin when he reached the place too.

He looked around every once in a while, looking for Namjoon.

The professor had texted him that morning saying he would be on time. He had also sent a shirtless selca which had made Seokjin blush and squirm in his bed, but he had promised himself to not think too much about it during the wedding.

Only a few days had passed since their cafe date and they were still on that stage in which they were looking for the right direction to take in their relationship, but like it always happened between them, every moment together always brought with it a lingering, pleasurable tension that made Seokjin’s toes curl and his heart beat fast. Even if they had tried to ignore it for now, it was there and Seokjin burned with the need to touch and kiss and grip, but he tried to contain himself because he really didn’t want to mess this up.

Everything else was perfect, though. Seeing each other again, holding hands, smiling and chatting and reading poetry. Everything felt like heaven to Seokjin and he was serene like he hadn’t been in a long time.

Namjoon arrived just when he was starting to walk outside the building to call him, and he only smiled at the elder with an apologetic grin when he noticed him.

“I’m sorry I’m late! I almost got lost on the way here!”

And Seokjin couldn’t help but chuckle at that, pulling Namjoon by the hand to get to their seats. Taehyung and Jungkook greeted their professor with a polite bow and a smile, happy to see the man being part of their lives again.

The ceremony was sweet and Seokjin found himself looking for the younger’s fingers in his lap at some point to squeeze them and try not to let the happy tears blooming in the back of his eyes fall.

Namjoon brushed his knuckles with his thumb and Seokjin felt his gaze on him while they all cheered for the couple who had just sealed their vows with a kiss.

The day was pleasantly warm, despite it still being february, and a slight breeze blew over the trees outside the place of the event.

The newlyweds had chosen a sort of enormous gazebo for the banquet, which had been decorated with soft looking, sweet-smelling flowers. There were round tables on one side of the huge room, while the other side had been left empty for the dances after. A band was playing soft jazz music near the dance floor as they all walked in and Seokjin’s eyes got captured in the white and pink blossoms placed carefully on the tables and the fairy lights hanging all around them.

Everything looked magical and romantic and the soft light coming from outside made the atmosphere cozy and quiet, filling Seokjin’s heart with peacefulness and joy.

Namjoon glanced around amazed for a while, until Hoseok reached them and touched his back, willing him to go say hi to some of their old friends.

“I’m sorry to steal him away so soon, hyung! But Chaewon did the seating arrangements weeks ago and you two are not at the same table…” he looked shy as he glanced between the both of them, but Seokjin only chuckled.

“Don’t worry, Hobi. It’s fine” Namjoon nodded along, but his eyes stayed on the elder “We can see each other after dinner”

The professor smirked, then he got closer to Seokjin to leave a small kiss on the crown of his head before turning back to his friend.

“Don’t worry” he repeated as Seokjin bit his lower lip “We can go”

With that they left the man to go back to his own table for dinner.

During the meal, every once in a while, Seokjin turned back to look at Namjoon’s table on the other side of the room.

He saw him smile and eat his dinner quietly. He saw him turning back to him every now and looking at his eyes with a mischievous grin.

Seokjin’s cheeks stayed pink for the whole night, feeling those brown, deep eyes on him every now and then, sensing that longing he himself had been feeling for months finally being reciprocated and being amplified by their closeness, by their being in the same room, a few feet apart, with everything they knew was between them, every word and every touch that still remained unsaid and undone.

Taehyung pushed his shoulder at some point after some small talk with the other people on their table.

“He is so whipped, he can’t stop looking at you!”

“Sshh! Tae!”

Seokjin looked down at his plate and fiddled with the hem of his suit jacket.

“What? It's true! I bet as soon as people start dancing, he will come to ask you to join him and we will never see you again until tomorrow!”

“Oh my god, Taehyung!”

Despite his scolding, it took Namjoon just a few more minutes, more lights to flicker on and the newly married couple to start dancing a bit to excuse himself from his own table and reach Seokjin’s.

“Can I have this dance?” he offered, his hand stopping mid air to wait for the elder’s answer.

Seokjin looked at his brother, who just smiled at him, then at Jungkook, who was still munching on his food, but whose eyes crinkled in a childish grin when he saw him and the professor close to them.

“Of course” the man only mumbled then, taking the other’s hand and letting him guide him to the dance floor.

Namjoon circled his waist with an arm once they stopped walking on the side of the dance floor, a more retired spot where less people could see them. He brought his chest closer to his own than what slow dances usually required, and then gripped his hand.

Seokjin had to stabilise himself by holding onto his shoulder, both from the shock of being pulled this close and from the rush of his heart, which made his legs feel wobbly and his mind reel in circles.

Namjoon’s eyes observed him attentively as he licked his lips and took a deep breath. He caressed Seokjin’s hip almost imperceptibly with his pinky as he held him, but he didn’t say anything and he only lifted the corner of his lips up a bit as Seokjin brushed a strand of hair away from his forehead. They danced slowly to the music, their feet barely moving.

“It’s been ages since the last time I danced…” the elder mumbled, looking to the side as other couples joined them “I don’t think I even remember when or with who”

“Well, now you can remember dancing with me, if you want”

That made the man laugh a bit.

As if he could ever forget this moment. As if he could ever not remember Namjoon.

“Have you ever thought about marriage, hyung?”

The question made Seokjin gulp and look up at Namjoon with wide eyes, but the other looked genuinely curious, so he just pouted and thought about it for a bit.

“Not really, I must say… I see it as an oath, as a moment in which two people can have witnesses while they promise each other commitment in their relationship. It’s romantic and it makes me happy to see people get married, but everyone has different ways of promising things to each other… and I also think that, before that kind of promise, there are lots of smaller, immediate promises don’t require much talk or blatant actions”

Namjoon held his breath as the other spoke, examining his features, so Seokjin looked away.

“I think even just being there, understanding, embracing each other’s weaknesses and strengths… Those can be important promises too… And they are not just that, but also facts, proves that you are not just playing. Those are real”

The man sighed beside him, and Seokjin felt him leaning towards him to nose at his cheekbone. His hands tingled and he gripped the fabric of his suit tighter, trying to not give in just yet and turn his face to the man to finally kiss his lips, just like had been wanting to do for weeks now.

Even if the people around weren’t looking at them and the lights were dim enough to give them some privacy, Seokjin still felt shy at the prospect of letting himself go here, surrounded by guests.

“Can I promise you something, then?” Namjoon whispered in his ear.

“Only if it’s real”

They chuckled, lightly, sweetly.

“I promise I will show you all my weaknesses and all my strengths” Namjoon continued, the tip of his nose tickling Seokjin’s temple now “I promise I will try to not let fear overtake me and I will not run away from the truth again. I promise I’ll be here, for as long as you want me to, and I’ll try to understand myself better, in order to be the best man I can be for you”

Seokjin closed his eyes, his limbs suddenly heavy as he leaned more of his weight against the other and rested his head on his shoulder, their bodies still swaying slowly with the music.

“I promise I will love you and I will cherish your love. And, even if I can’t promise you that everything will always be okay for us, I promise you I will be by your side through it, if you want me. Because I want you so much and I don’t need you to promise me anything… I just…”

Namjoon’s voice quivered and he started sobbing between his words, making Seokjin look up at his misty eyes and gentle smile.

“... I just need you, hyung”

“Oh, my love”

Seokjin’s hands flew to the other’s cheeks, cupping them and brushing the tears away as they started to fall.

He finally forgot about their surroundings, about the people dancing and twirling and laughing beside them, about the music accompanying their movements, about the lights over them, and he leaned over the other to pepper his face with light kisses, drying the tears one by one with his lips.

Namjoon hugged him tighter and let him take care of him like he wanted, not saying anything as those pink lips finally met his own in a fierce kiss.

It felt like fire lit up in Seokjin’s chest, making him dizzy but hungry and possessive at the same time as he tasted that skin again, as he finally reunited with the man he had dreamed of for so many months.

They kissed and it felt like the first time, or maybe the last time, with how desperate their movements were.

Seokjin gripped the back of the man’s hair and pulled, making him gasp and bite his plump lower lip.

Even if fast and rough, the kiss just felt heartbreakingly loving. In it there was everything they didn’t have the need to say out loud and everything they hadn’t had the possibility to convey during the time spent apart.

Namjoon held him so strongly that Seokjin felt desired and protected and wanted and loved all at once and that made him shed a tear too, which mixed into their pecks.

They kissed for a bit, half hidden from the crowd around, and by the end of it, their lips were red and swollen and Seokjin felt so good he couldn’t find in him the strength to let Namjoon go now.

“Please, stay with me, stay with me…” he murmured into their kiss, letting Namjoon caress his back soothingly.

“I will, baby. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere”

And those words felt right because it was right for them to be close now, to be together. Now that there wasn’t anything left unsaid and now that the wounds were starting to heal and the bruises weren’t that purple and swollen anymore.

It felt refreshing to hear him say that and Seokjin laughed, happiness filling his entire body as he threw his head back and let Namjoon spin them both around and sway more to the melody playing in the room.

“You are staying!”

The professor nodded, kissing his lips again.

It was then that somebody, somewhere close to them, laughed too and people cheered as a loud pop was heard and sparkling gold confetti started falling over them like rain.

Seokjin gasped in Namjoon’s arms and they both laughed along with the rest of the people around.

Some kids started running in circles under the waterfall of glittery decorations and Seokjin spotted Taehyung and Jungkook on the other side of the dance floor, jumping like babies while Hobi and Jimin chuckled fondly.

Namjoon kissed his neck, admiring his boyfriend as he laughed loudly at the scene, then looking at him as he turned around and picked a confetti which had got stuck in the younger’s hair.

The colourful rain surrounded them, but it didn’t soak their clothes. It warmed even more their already burning hearts and embraced them as they finally found the way to each other, once and for all.

“My baby…” Namjoon murmured, in awe of the man in front of him.

“Only yours” the other smiled shyly, making Namjoon kiss him again.

And in that moment, Seokjin thought that maybe it just took time and patience and love and care to find what one was really looking for, and not perfection.

Perfection wasn’t something that could bring happiness, but little things and big hugs could.

Taehyung’s smiles could, Jungkook’s kind words could. Friends’ touch could… memories of his family could.

Namjoon’s lips on his, his hands around his waist and a rain of golden confetti certainly could.

As he looked at the man he loved in front of him, he thought that he would have been able to bear every difficulty and struggle life would have brought him, if at the end of the day, he could have by his side a love like this who would dance of happiness under the rain with him.