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the walls melted around me, under the pressure of those horrible images from the past, and I fell, into darkness
like a star that walks past the surface of a dark hole, its light locked forever inside.
on the other side... on the other side, you see, who knows what is on the other side. but I knew.
it was a hard surface, as hard as stone. unfeeling and cold. draining my energy away.
there was light, just a slice into the world outside. happening too fast to catch up.
but I didn't want to see anything else
I didn't want to look
because the darkness hid things that terrified me.
so I sat there, with my back to the rest of the room, eyes stuck to the window
focusing on the moving life outside as best as I could.
I plastered a smile on my face to prove myself it was safe. maybe, if I wished it ambitiously enough, I was actually outside.
don't stop looking forward, my thoughts said. but my thoughts
imagined.
kept rushing through, masticating, ruminating about what could be behind me. don't think about it, it doesn't exist, not anymore. it's just- they rehearsed.
I don't know how long I wasted fighting against that voice and what it was telling me, because inside dark holes time
is meaningless
maybe it was thousands of years
maybe it was only a minute
(I could see the dust on my nose)
but I was so sore of soul that my body finally just
turned around
and I saw what was at the other side
of this trap
and what I saw was
myself.
dwarfed by the height of the room, but she was there as clear as day
I didn't want to think about her, but she existed, and she had never disappeared.
only
I remembered then, this was the tower. I had been here before.
I felt every scratch and crack on my feet as I stood up.
the other me was also with her back turned, eyes pressed shut. they had been for a long time, but she had not looked back.
I knew very well how that felt.
even though she was all the way on the other side of this wretched place, I reached and I took her in my hand. and she fit perfectly in the cup of my fingers.
she had looked of size but that was because she had been so far away
I looked at her with soft unblinking eyes, I really looked at her
for the first time.
my tears had been too scared to come out but now they were welling on the rims of my eyelids, curious at the pea in my hand. peeking out so cheekily that some of them fell down my face
she was as cold as the ground, I hadn't realized.
without any more thought I pulled her to the warmth of my gem
and I held.
"I'm going to stay with you" were words that
simply came out of my mouth. they wouldn't have occurred to me to say but they were so honest, so truthful this time, that suddenly pebbles of water jumped down trampolining my lashes.
I had to say it again because I had to believe this was happening. that it was raining in the desert
the other me filled my hand, her eyes also wet
and they were her own tears.
"I heard your call and that's why I'm here"
"you are not alone"
"I'm glad I found you"
I had to use my other arm because I couldn't hold her in one anymore. such warmth to the touch, I just remembered I was alive! and I loved being alive!
"I'm so happy you exist"
I squeezed her face, "flaws and all"
her chuckle was a song.
