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“He needs to sleep.”
“I agree,” Dr. Chakwas gives Kaidan a single nod before continuing, frown creasing her face. “But I don’t condone you giving Shepard sleeping pills without his knowledge.”
Kaidan shakes his head. “You know Shepard will just refuse to take them.” He gestures with his hand at nothing in particular. “You’ve seen him, how exhausted he looks. At this rate he’s going to die on the battlefield because he’ll be too tired to dodge a bullet.”
Dr. Chakwas shakes her head, as if she thinks Kaidan is being overly dramatic. Maybe he is. It is invincible Shepard they are talking about after all. So invincible, that death can’t even keep him down. Still, Dr. Chakwas stands, gives Kaidan a pointed look, and then walks over to a locked drawer. She digs a key out of her pocket and uses it to open the drawer. “I’m only giving you these because you are a good person, Kaidan, and I believe, in the end, you’ll do the right thing.” She procures two pills and deposits them into Kaidan’s palm.
With a quiet thanks, Kaidan leaves the med-bay and heads to Shepard’s quarters, knowing Dr. Chakwas is right. Even if it means having a fight on his hands, he shouldn’t trick Shepard into taking a drug without his consent. After all, Kaidan certainly wouldn’t be happy if Shepard did the same to him.
It’s been a rough couple of days, having just failed the mission on Thessia, so it’s not surprising when Kaidan walks into Shepard’s cabin and finds the man sitting at his desk with his face buried in his hands. Shepard doesn’t acknowledge him and Kaidan runs a hand up his back in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “Hey.”
Shepard takes a deep inhale of breath, scrubs at his face once, twice, and then turns tired eyes and an even more exhausted smile his way. “Hey.” He looks Kaidan over, as if checking for injuries, which Kaidan finds ironic since Shepard is the one that is always falling or threatening to fall from great heights, injuring himself in one way or another, or being the center of attention when bullets are flying at them. “What are you doing here? Everything okay?”
He wants to kiss Shepard for caring so much even when the galaxy is burning around them. Instead, he crouches down in front of Shepard and gently says, “I have something for you.” Kaidan holds his palm out.
The response is immediate. “No.”
Kaidan huffs. “You don’t even know what they are.”
“I can guess.”
Shaking his head, Kaidan stands up and crosses his arms. “They’re sleeping pills.” Shepard opens his mouth to comment or retort, Kaidan doesn’t know which because he doesn’t let Shepard speak. “Listen, I could have put these in your food or your drink, seriously thought about it too, but Dr. Chakwas reminded me that I’m not the type of person to violate your trust like that.”
“Remind me to thank her later.”
“You need to sleep, Shepard,” Kaidan continues, ignoring Shepard’s statement. “Because the way you’re going, you won’t make it to the final Reaper battle.”
“I’m fine, Kaidan,” Shepard sighs.
“You look exhausted, Shepard. When you do sleep it’s not for very long and it certainly isn’t restful because of how stressed you are. You need rest, Shepard. How are you supposed to fight to your fullest if you’re tired?” Kaidan shrugs. “This will help.”
“This,” Shepard stands and paces towards his bed, crossing his arms when he faces Kaidan again, “means if there is an emergency, I can’t help.”
Kaidan huffs again, walking towards Shepard. “It’ll be fine. Don’t be so dramatic.”
“Me dramatic?” Shepard chuckles, shaking his head in amusement. “I think we need to discuss who is being more dramatic than the other.”
“Well, I’m not backing down.”
Shepard’s arms fall to his sides and he takes a deep breath. “No, I suppose you won’t.” Shepard’s eyes travel from Kaidan’s face to his hand and back to his face. “Okay, fine. I’ll take them on one condition.”
“Which is?”
“You lie down with me.” Shepard shrugs. “You must be just as tired as I am.”
Kaidan approaches Shepard, grabbing his hand and transferring the pills over. “You’re the commander. I’m not nearly as tired as you are.”
Shepard’s other hand, the hand that isn’t holding the sleeping pills, comes up and cups the side of Kaidan’s neck, catching his eyes. “Do you think I haven’t noticed you’re not sleeping either? Lie down with me.”
Kaidan sighs. “Okay.” He pushes away. “I’ll get you a glass of water. Sit down.”
With a small, victorious smile, Shepard does as he’s told. “Aye, aye Major.”
Kaidan rolls his eyes and turns away, grabbing a glass that is sat on the coffee table. After determining it’s clean — “I only had water in it earlier” Shepard had told him — he goes into the bathroom and fills it with water. He then hands it to Shepard who is sitting on the edge of the bed. Shepard takes the pills — “Would you like to inspect the inside of my mouth to make sure I actually swallowed them, Sir?” “Don’t be an ass, Shepard.” “Calling your CO an ass isn’t very professional, Kaidan.” — and hands the glass back. Kaidan sets it back down on the coffee table.
Kaidan nudges Shepard’s shins. “Scoot.” Shepard, with a smirk, scoots back and lies down, allowing Kaidan to take his foot and start untying his combat boot.
Shepard stretches out, using his arms to pillow the back of his head. “What happens if someone comes up and needs me but I’m asleep?”
“I’m the next ranking officer on board. I’ll handle it,” Kaidan answers.
Kaidan hears Shepard take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “You’re technically higher rank than I am.”
Kaidan slips the boot off of Shepard’s foot and moves onto the other. “You’re an N7. Technically , I’m not.”
“That gets kind of confusing doesn’t it? You’re a Major, a Spectre even, and yet because I’m an N7 I’m still higher rank than you.” Kaidan looks up just in time to see Shepard rub a hand down his face. “Do you want to trade?”
“Oh no, you’re a born leader. I’m… not.” Kaidan drops Shepard’s boot next to the other.
“You should stop selling yourself short like that.” Shepard’s smile is gone, turned serious now. Kaidan doesn’t know what to say to that, his self-esteem has never been all that great, and when the silence drags on for too long, Shepard pokes him in the stomach with his foot.
Kaidan takes a breath and moves on, not wanting to get into their personal history of wins and failures right now. Instead, he looks over Shepard’s body and asks him, “Do you want your clothes off, too.”
The smirk on Shepard’s face returns almost instantaneously. Kaidan doesn’t know how he does it. He supposes that mystery is some of the appeal. “Kaidan,” his tone is admonishing but playful. “You’re going to proposition me sex when I’ve got sleeping pills in my system?” When the only reaction he gets out of Kaidan is him crossing his arms and shaking his head, Shepard sighs and rolls onto his side. “I forgot you don’t have a funny bone in your body.”
Kaidan rounds the bed, going to the side Shepard isn’t lying on. “Sorry, I’ve been cursed with Serious Disease.”
“Ha.” The sound is devoid of any actual humor but Shepard doesn’t really seem annoyed so Kaidan knows he’s only teasing.
Kaidan crawls onto the bed, getting closer to Shepard until he can wrap his arms around the other man’s waist. He pulls Shepard close, resting his cheek on the back of Shepard’s neck. “Go to sleep.”
“Can’t, the pills haven’t started working yet.” Shepard chuckles. “They’re kind of slow.”
“They’re probably slow release so they keep working throughout the night.”
“So, then what happens if there’s an emergency and we have to escape the Normandy?” Shepard asks, moving his hand down to grab onto Kaidan’s.
Kaidan lets a heavy breath out, thinking about the last time they had to escape off the Normandy. “Then… I would carry you to an escape pod. At least, this time you’d actually make it on one.”
“What happens if you can’t make it to an escape pod because you’re too busy trying to carry my unconscious ass out of here?”
“Am I just now realizing how many hypotheticals you like to come up with? What is this, Shepard? Blasto?”
“Ride together. Die together.”
“That’s not…” Kaidan licks his lips, his chest constricting with the memory of Shepard dying, of leaving them — leaving him, or that’s what it felt like, despite not having been together at the time — and though Shepard is right there in his arms, alive and well, it still hurts to think about. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
The room falls quiet, solemn, and Shepard mutters a low, “Sorry.”
Neither of them speak for several minutes, Kaidan trying to get his emotions under check, and Shepard doing… whatever Shepard does in his head. At one point, Kaidan even thinks Shepard has fallen asleep until the man sighs heavily and squeezes Kaidan’s hand. In the end, Kaidan feels the need to fill the silence with something. He doesn’t mind sitting or lying in the quiet with Shepard, they’ve done it a million times, but the air is too heavy now to enjoy it.
“It’s a painful memory,” he supplies even though he knows the moment to say anything on the subject of Shepard dying has come and gone. “When you died, I mean.”
Shepard sighs again, shifts, and then settles. “Kaidan…” He doesn’t continue and Kaidan is left hanging there, waiting for Shepard to complete what he was about to say.
“What?”
Shepard twists in Kaidan’s arms, not fully turning over but enough to look Kaidan in the eyes. “When we face the Reapers…” He licks his lips, eyes flitting away before locking onto Kaidan’s once more. “You have to be prepa-”
“Don’t,” Kaidan cuts him off, feeling the lump form in his throat and his chest constrict painfully.
“Kaidan.”
“Not right now.” Kaidan gently shoves at Shepard’s shoulder, encouraging him to turn back around. “Go to sleep.”
Shepard stares down at him before letting his mouth curl into a tiny smile. He leans down, presses a kiss to Kaidan’s forehead, and then lies back down, back pressed into Kaidan’s chest. “Yes, Sir.” He tangles his and Kaidan’s legs together. “Think the pills are finally beginning to work. I’m starting to feel pretty sleepy.”
“Good.” Kaidan squeezes him, pecking him on the back of the neck. Shepard chuckles and Kaidan relaxes, glad that they’ve moved past what Shepard was about to tell him. It’s not like Kaidan doesn’t know. They both need to prepare for it, to say goodbye to each other. But when they are like this, they’re allowed to not live in reality for a couple hours. Kaidan wants to keep it that way.
“If something really bad happens, promise to wake me, okay?” Shepard says and he really does sound tired now, as if he’s going to fall asleep at any moment.
Kaidan gives him another kiss, this time on the back of the head. “Promise.”
Shepard nods, yawns, closing his eyes, “Alright, Major.” His body gradually grows more and more limp.
Kaidan snuggles closer, pulling Shepard as close as they can get, burying his nose into Shepard’s hair so he can breathe him in. “And the term is ride or die,” he whispers.
And he’s pretty sure most of the crew would.