Archive of Our Own ^beta

If I were asked to describe my childhood,

It would go a little like this:

Mornings waking up in a house full of love,

And afternoons spent playing board games with my moms.

The sound of children laughing,

And the gentle roar of the river near my home.

The dark blue of the house down my street,

Where I spent my afternoons,

With you.

During the month when the bright days came back,

When we would build igloos in my backyard,

Until we couldn’t feel our cheeks.

The smell of the beach, of fish, and hot summer days.

I still remember when we would sit on your teal bed,

And you’d braid my hair like it was your duty to do so.

You, 

Always smiling and kind,

Except when they teased me about my family,

Only then, did you let your temper show.

You,

Always smart and the only one by my side through tough times.

Only you, Yue.

We grew up together, 

Our births separated only by nine days

With you being the oldest,

Something you never let me live down.

The elders always pointed out how close we were, 

Because I followed you around everywhere you went,

They called me your bodyguard,

I took the title with pride.

And even if it was a joke,

I swore to protect you until the end of time.

⸻

I remember when we were in the 3rd grade, 

You fell off your bike on our way home,

Your knee was scratched, so I took your hands in mine,

And kissed them just to make you laugh. 

Or, when I broke my ankle skating,

You carried me on your back

And never left my side. 

I loved you then, even if I didn't know it.

Art class, 7th grade,

You drew a picture of me, 

The one where I’m smiling at you

And showed it to the whole class, 

You treated it like a masterpiece worthy of the gods.

I still remember the day the doctors said your mom wouldn’t make it,

That her cancer would eventually take her.

After that, you made sure she had the time of her life,

Or what was left of it.

Remember the time we started a band? 

I played the guitar, louder than we were allowed to,

You sang, gorgeously like everything about you,

And wrote songs for your mom, just to make her laugh.

I wrote one for you, too,

About the time I helped you two

Dye your hair like the snow.

The whole neighborhood seemed to hate us,

But we didn’t care, 

Because the last summer of our childhood we spent it there,

In my garage.

We were the happiest we’d ever been,

But nothing ever lasts, does it?

⸻

We were 15,

The day your mother died, and I wasn’t there.

I was out of town on a school field trip

When you called my number and said you needed me, 

I dropped everything to be at your side.

You tried to be strong, to show the world you were fine,

But the moment I looked into your eyes, 

You dropped to your knees and cried. 

I held you so tight, 

Because what else was I supposed to do?

Your mother wasn’t just my friend’s mom:

She was a caring woman, smart like you.

It was painful to look into your eyes and see the same gaze,

I could only imagine how hard it must’ve been.

As you buried your head in my shoulder,

I silently swore, because,

How could I let this happen while I was gone?

Why wasn’t I there for you?

I prayed to the spirits for forgiveness.

Dark times came, and I don't think they ever left.

⸻

One month after the funeral, you packed your bags,

Moved to your aunt’s house, 

And said goodbye to your childhood home to head South.

We fought before you left, 

I begged you to stay, 

You said I didn’t understand. 

You left me, head held high to the sky as you fought the tears.

I pretended not to see you sob when you got inside your car,

You pretended not to see how I chased you with my bike. 

(And I pretended not to hurt,

when you didn’t wave back.)

What you didn’t know though,

Was that before everything

Butterflies placed themselves inside my stomach

At the mere thought of you.

I knew what it was,

But I didn’t say a word.

⸻

Our town never felt more empty, 

I didn’t think I’d ever felt more alone,

Without you there I felt like a fish without water, 

I was bound to die. 

Your new city never felt more full, 

The kids screamed and your heart ached as you cried,

Alone, and yet, you felt crowded.

You were bound to die. 

⸻

When you and your father moved away,

I fell into despair.

What was I supposed to do without my best friend?

You didn’t text,

Or call.

You were the only one I wanted,

The only one I had,

The only one I needed ,

And still, you never replied.

I hated you, I knew it then.

You broke my heart,

Plucked the life out of my eyes

And took it with you,

Left me blind.

How could you? 

You took the colors out of my life,

Painted them on your bedroom wall 

And didn’t look at the past. 

You didn’t text back.

And I hated you, I was sure of it. 

The months passed by like seconds, 

Our childhood oasis existed only in our deepest memories.

I didn't play the guitar or danced.

I trained hard and heavy, 

Anything to stop thinking about you.

You didn’t sing, nor dance, 

Studying what went wrong until your brain couldn’t take it,

Anything to stop thinking about your mom;

Your light in the dark.

I hated you and I missed you,

Because I spent countless hours staring at the moon

And thinking about you.

I couldn’t help but wonder,

Did you thought of me,

As you spent countless hours staring at the sun?

⸻

When you left town, you felt like your mother was being replaced.

Your aunt looked almost like her twin,

Same eyes, same nose, same skin tone,

But not the same soul; not your mom.

Eventually, you learned to love her, and she learned to be there for you

In the best way she could.

She helped you appreciate the stars,

Instead of keep searching for the moon.

School started again,

And you barely thought of the small town up North. 

But something kept pulling you back,

The olive house turning the corner,

My home.

While you were gone I changed,

And so did you. 

The years passed and we grew into our shoes,

Studied ‘til sunrise, paid taxes,

Worked until we couldn’t keep our eyes open.

I still dreamt of you,

Of the ghost of your fingers running through my hair,

And how your lips would taste

If I were to press mine against yours.

But still, the days of children laughing 

And long days under the sun shining down the beach were over,

No more seeing the world for what we wanted it to be,

But looking at it in grey scales,

As it was.

I moved into the big city .

The buildings towered over me,

So so different from my childhood home,

The cars honked and the streets crowded.

I still had your number, knew it by heart.

But you never called or texted,

And I barely slept,

Agonizing about what went wrong.

Wondering

If you were my moon,

Was I your sun?

⸻

When people looked at you,

They saw a perfect girl,

But I could see beneath the browns of your eyes,

And in the middle of it all stood an island of despair.

Your life began to crumble, 

As alone as a single weed growing through the snow.

For years, I thought you had your life resolved,

I got news you moved into the same city as mine,

But I’d already forgotten your number by then. 

I thought your life was as perfect as a princess’s,

But it was closer to the contrary.

Your life was crashing in on you,

Still feeling the aftershocks of the earthquakes

Caused by your mom.

You felt trapped, 

Like everybody wanted you gone,

So you packed your bags and fled,

Left people behind again.

I was unfair, 

For hating you,

I realize that now,

I thought your life was perfect,

The straight-A student you always were.

But it was as far from it as it could get.

I was unfair,

Because I never understood 

Just how much your mother meant to you. 

That night before you left,

You said,

It was like the moon had been plucked out of the sky,

Leaving you unbalanced, empty.

And I never got what that meant until way too long after you left. 

⸻

It was five years after you left our town and the pain was gone,

Leftover aches still filled my joints.

I had pushed you to the back of my mind, 

Not daring to think about the girl who’d left town,

All those years ago.

But when you knocked on my apartment door, not knowing where else to go,

I thought about saying no, because how could you? 

But then, how could I ? So I said yes.

I let you sleep on my couch,

In my tiny one-bedroom apartment.

I thought of those times when we were kids,

When we promised to live together when we moved away.

And while then we may have been living in the same space,

I still felt the same loneliness from five years ago.

Because how do you act around a stranger who was once your best friend?

⸻

Eventually, our grudges loosened,

After much needed hours-long talks about everything ,

And the rift between us stopped being visible from Outerspace. 

Day to day, your smile returned,

And when I took you to see the stars,

So did the glint in your eyes.

The good humor of the old days made a comeback,

And I bought a guitar to play it while you sang,

We laughed and danced along to our favorite song,

And as I took your hands in mine,

I swore I felt the moon shining a little brighter that night.

My apartment came alive,

As the colors slowly came back to our lives,

As my best friend came back to my life.

Weeks passed by in the blink of an eye,

You got a job nearby and helped with the rent.

Bought plants to put on the kitchen windows,

While I ignored the increasing butterflies in my stomach.

Because I couldn’t,

I couldn’t be the selfish one

And admit whatever that feeling was.

Funny enough, you felt the same,

But we were both too stupid to voice it.

So we bottled it in, just like our grief.

⸻

My apartment became yours too,

I knew it when the neighbor’s cat

Climbed in through the balcony 

And preferred your lap over mine.

You laughed and teased me for weeks on end about that,

I pretended to hold a grudge, while in reality

I had to admit it was a little cute.

And I pointedly decided to ignore the home feeling I got with that.

I fully realized the gravity of my feelings

Not long after that, 

One night as I tried to fall asleep,

I heard you singing from the living room,

The same lyrics from the song I wrote when we were 14.

You remembered, 

Was all my brain could supply.

I didn’t sleep much that night.

But what I didn’t know, 

Was that you also realized the warmth you felt every time we danced

Wasn’t just a best friend thing.

One day as you went through the old photo album I kept,

You found the portrait;

The one you made in 7th grade,

The one I kept with me for years.

Your heart swelled and got bigger and bigger,

Finally taking all the space that hadn’t been filled

Since your mother’s first doctor visit.

We didn’t say anything at first,

Just quiet gazes and lingering touches, 

Screaming softly at the back of our throats,

Should I? Should I not? 

⸻

I thought it was a lost case,

Falling in love with you a too-great of a risk. 

Because I had just gotten you back,

I couldn’t ruin it like this.

Not this way.

Until the day we watched our favorite movie,

We laid together on my bed, as our minds drifted off to each other.

Your hand found mine, and I stopped resisting,

I held you close to me,

And we kissed like the world would end if we didn’t,

The movie, long forgotten.

And your lips didn’t taste like in my dreams,

They were even better,

Sweet, passionate, addictive, even.

I wished we hadn’t wasted so much time, 

You said the same. 

⸻

We’ve moved to another apartment since then.

A handful of them, really.

Each of them, holding the same place in my heart;

My home away from home,

Because you were there.

The one where we live now is spacious,

And the windows are huge, 

Just like you like them.

We wake up with the rays of sunshine

As they hit our face and hair,

Yours glows, even though it’s no longer icy-white.

All I want to do is paint your form,

Show it to everyone in the world,

And tell them how you’re the one.

We fall asleep with the moonlight,

It illuminates your face in an ethereal way.

And as I see you sleeping next to me, 

I can’t help but feel euphoric,

To the fact that childhood me

Got everything she wanted.

And just like the push and pull,

The routine repeats.

⸻

I used to think that love was linear,

Always happy, perfect couple,

Black and white. 

But as I spend more and more time with you, 

I realize that it’s nothing like that.

Because your love isn’t black and white,

Good or bad, sane or foolish, 

It’s multicolor; ever-changing.

Because every day you find different ways to love me,

And every day I love you differently.

⸻

Now, we listen to our song and dance,

A slow waltz with my head buried in the crook of your neck

And your hands around my waist.

I feel the rises and falls of your chest,

You look down at me, chin placed atop my head,

Just so you can brush your lips against my hair. 

We laugh and smile about the things we did when we were kids, 

Always longing for the past,

Aching for the years we spent apart,

But while I still want them back,

There’s no point in beating ourselves up

For what we want and cannot have.

Because we wish we could turn back time,

Go back to the sunny days of childhood,

Back to when the clouds hadn’t blocked out the light. 

But now I understand,

That the rain has to come before the rainbow.

So let’s cry, let’s let it all out,

Not bottle ourselves up anymore.

Let’s take the calm before the storm

And use it to prepare,

To put everything in place,

So that when the thunder strikes,

We won’t have that much to repair.

I’ll let you say everything you need to say to me,

Listen to you when you feel the world is closing in on us.

I’ll wipe the tears off your face

When the date of your mother’s death approaches,

And I’ll hold you close to my chest,

Let my heart beat for yours when you think you can’t make it.

You’ll always know when I need to vent, 

So you’ll sit me down and hold my hand,

As you listen to all the nonsense that comes out of my mouth.

But at night, when I can’t keep my walls up,

You’ll cradle me in your arms and whisper:

Everything will be alright, 

Maybe not right now, but,

In time.

⸻

I realize now, how far back my feelings go,

Because

I loved you then,

In our childhood homes,

In art class,

In the skate park,

In my garage, 

As I saw you get into your car.

I loved you, even if I didn't know it.

And now, I love you even more.

Because I choose to love you every waking moment,

And I’ll keep choosing to love you,

Until my respirations become shallow 

And my memories blur. 

Because that’s how strong your love is.

Because even If the price of your love

Is my despair,

I’ll forever choose to drown in the galaxies your eyes hold

Rather than live in a world without you in it, my moon.

So, hold me tight in your arms,

Just so I can feel your heartbeat with mine.

Keep me close to you at all times,

Just so I don’t endure icy winters without your light. 

Because you shine so bright,

So blinding. 

Only you. Yue.