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“No. No, no, no.”
The glass is snatched out of Jugyeong’s hand before she even has the chance to lift it to her lips. She fights half-heartedly, tightening her grip on it for just a second before letting Soo-Ah take it from her and hand it to Tae-Hoon
Who downs it in one go and gets a glare from Jugyeong in return.
He and Soo-Ah drop down in the chairs at either side of Jugyeong, leaning close to her in interest. “How did it go?” Soo-Ah asks. She presses her hands together. “Did you kiss? What did you eat? Did he walk you home?”
Tae-Hoon glances at Soo-Ah, quickly diverting his gaze the second she looks back, clearing his throat as he plays with the corner of the menu laid forgotten on the table.
“No,” Jugyeong replies tersely. She’s looking ahead, lips pulled into a tight line. “No,” she repeats, quieter.
Soo-Ah frowns. “Jugyeong-ah. What happened?”
There’s a whole minute of nerve-wracking silence that feels like an eon. Jugyeong opens her mouth. Then she closes it, trying to find the right way to word what she’s feeling. Then, “Suho’s back in Korea.”
It’s a little funny how Tae-Hoon’s the one to huff and scruff his hair in something akin to frustration. “Aish. That jerk!” he shouts, a sudden blurt that makes Soo-Ah widen her eyes at him to shut him up.
He scowls. But doesn’t say anything, leaving the talking to Soo-Ah.
“He’s back in Korea,” Jugyeong buries her face in her hands and her fingers in her hair. “It’s not fair to Seojun.”
“Did you reject him?” Soo-Ah asks, using that soft understanding tone that manages to soothe a sting in Jugyeong’s chest.
“I pushed him away,” Jugyeong replies. She thinks maybe talking about it will help her bleed her scruples out. Help her make sense of herself. Help her go back to Suho because she loves him. She loves him so much. “After the date… he hugged me and it felt, wrong. So I pushed him away.”
Soo-Ah places a hand on her back, rubbing it gently in the most comforting way she can. She doesn’t say anything. Tae-Hoon doesn’t say anything. The restaurant is crowded and hectic but the silence on either side of her is suffocatingher, closing in on her like a wall too tight. “Say something,” she orders. Begs. Needs the comfort more than anything right now.
Soo-Ah purses her lips, sparing Tae-Hoon a quick look before she’s brushing Jugyeong’s hair away from her face. “What do you want me to say?” she questions. “I can tell you what you want to hear, if that’s what you’re looking for.”
Jugyeong looks at her. Long and hard and she’s gaping, lips parted slightly like she’s just realizing they’re on different sides. “No,” she shakes her head once. “I want your viewpoint,” she pauses, her throat bobbing like she has to physically prepare herself for her next question. “Am I wrong?” her voice fails her anyway, sadness eating away at her words until they’re barely a whisper. “Am I wrong for still loving Suho?”
Soo-Ah’s smile doesn’t widen, but it gains a sincerity that makes Jugyeong’s eyes sting. “No,” she replies. “But are you sure it’s love?”
Jugyeong’s brows furrow, molars grating together as she looks at her friend. “What?”
Soo-Ah breathes out her nose and sits up. She tucks her hands under her thighs and draws her shoulders up. “Sometimes you mistake love for,” she shrugs. “Memories.”
“Memories?” Jugyeong questions.
“Mhm,” Soo-Ah hums. “You haven’t seen Lee Suho in two years. You spent those two years loving the time you spent together, but how do you know it’ll be the same now?”
She’s looking at Tae-Hoon, and Tae-Hoon’s looking back, lips pressed together like he’s on the verge of tears. He sniffs. “Suho was my best friend!” he yells, smacking a hand down on the table. “But I’m team Seojun!”
Jugyeong groans. “You’re team Seojun because Suho ghosted you,” she sighs.
“No,” Tae-Hoon lifts his head proudly. “I’m loyal. And Suho is still my best friend,” he says the last two words in a smooth English that makes Soo-Ah smile despite herself and despite the rough patch they’re going through in their relationship right now. “But I’ve always felt like Seojun cared for you more. He was the one who confronted Soojin about the…” he trails off, gesturing vaguely for his own face. “And he puts up with you when you’re drunk even though you’re a mess!”
“Yah!” Jugyeong complains.
“He was beside you when you got your cosmetology license! And stood up to Selena when she said something mean to you. And—” he takes a deep breath and very gravely goes on, “He always gives you his drumsticks.”
Soo-Ah nods once he’s done and lifts a hand to tuck Jugyeong’s hair behind her ear. “And he looks at you…” her voice thickens with a softness Jugyeong never thought Soo-Ah would feel towards Seojun. “He looks at you like nothing else matters.”
It’s the last nail in Jugyeong’s coffin. The words rip her apart and turn her inside out. Guilt gnaws at her ribs as her bottom lip quivers.
“All of that and you’re not even his,” Soo-Ah whispers. “I’m not close with him,” she states, louder. Firmer, trying to curb her emotions and be the strong one here. The voice of reason. “But if you want me to tell you Suho would ever love you as much as Han Seojun does…” she huffs a laugh from her nose, shaking her head with tears brimming her eyes. As though seeing Seojun pine away in front of her physically hurts her. “Then I can’t tell you what you want to hear.”
Jugyeong hangs her head, defeated.
“Maybe it didn’t feel wrong,” Soo-Ah starts again. “Just new.”
“I love you!” Tae-Hoon shouts. The confession burst out of him as he pushes his chair back and stands to his feet, the sound of the chair scraping across the floorboards making nearby people look at him weirdly. He’s too dramatic.
Soo-Ah stares up at him, equally shocked as Jugyeong. Then she laughs and rolls her eyes. “I love you too, honey!” she exclaims in a saccharine tone. “Sit down, this isn’t our time.”
“No, it’s okay,” Jugyeong shakes her head. “I need to head home. My parents must be worried,” she brings herself to her feet and rubs the back of her fingers over her nose. “I’m fine! I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She’s out before either of them can tell her that no, she’s not fine. She’s far from fine.
“Jugyeong! Lim Jugyeong!”
“O?” Jugyeong turns around, blinking as Tae-Hoon runs towards her, out of breath and sweating. “Taehoon-ah!” her eyes round in confusion. “Why are you following me? Did you leave Soo-Ah alone?”
“She’s okay, I’m going back,” Tae-Hoon pumps out. He bends down, hands planted on his knees as he tries catching his breath. “I know… I know it isn’t. My place,” he heaves between gulps of air. “It isn’t my place to give you this.”
Jugyeong bends down slightly and tilts her head. “Give me what?”
Tae-Hoon hands her a folded piece of paper. “It fell,” he looks up at her. “It fell from him outside the bar. Before he took you home,” he explains.
Jugyeong makes to unfold the paper but Tae-Hoon stops her with a hand on hers. “Read it once I’m gone. I’ll cringe.”
Jugyeong nods. “Ok.”
He stands upright and nods firmly before he starts walking away and back to Soo-Ah. Then he stops and turns around. “Jugyeong-ah,” he calls out. “It’s not fair to pick when you haven’t given him a chance.”
Her confusion morphs to something else. Something softer. She smiles, nodding jerkily.
The paper feels like a burning weight in her hand as she waits for Tae-Hoon to round the corner and pass from sight.
You’re my world and all my moments.
I like you.
Do you know what yellow tulips mean?
One-sided love. Loving someone alone.
When I first saw you, it felt like moonlight soaked into my eyes.
Every time I see you, my heart stops beating like a broken clock, that’s how much I like you.
Jugyeong doesn’t realize she’s crying until her tears start falling on the words, smudging them like that’ll erase the effect they have on her. Her eyes have already memorized them. They’re indelibly etched inside her now.
She laughs, teary and broken, and wipes the back of her sleeve over her cheeks. Laughs a little more.
She tucks the letter into her pocket.
Then she runs.
…
Mrs. Han looks surprised to see Jugyeong at the door. She looks over her shoulder like she’s expecting Seojun to be with her.
“Hello, eomeonim,” Jugyeong bows politely.
“I told you to drop the honorifics, Jugyeong-ah,” Mrs. Han responds amiably, her smile motherly and sweet. “Is our Seojun with you?” she adds a second later.
“No,” Jugyeong replies. “I…” she drops her head. “Thought he’d be back by now,” she muses to herself.
“Ah. Maybe he went to get Gowoon the outfit she ordered for the wedding,” Mrs. Han murmurs. She sounds unsure and looks like she knows they were on a date.
“Did Seojun-ah…perhaps…” Jugyeong trails off. “Tell you?”
A smile splits across Mrs. Han’s face. “Of course he did,” she tuts. “He gushes about you a lot. Do you want to come in?”
Jugyeong returns the smile and shakes her head. “I’ll just call him later,” she steps back and turns on her heel.
“Jugyeong?”
“O?” Jugyeong turns back around. “Yes?”
“Don’t break our Seojun’s heart, okay?” Mrs. Han says it kindly, like she’s entrusting her with him. “I can protect him from his motorbike, but this is out of my hands.”
Jugyeong nods and waits for Mrs. Han to close the door to let her smile fall. Her shoulders slack. What has she done?
The situation leaches the energy out of her as she steps back and leans heavily on the wall, head tilting back against it.
It’s silence until it’s not.
Seojun’s footfall comes a small while later, heavy and slow. It draws nearer then stops a meter away from Jugyeong, making her push off the wall and stand upright, turning to face him.
“What are you doing here?” Seojun sounds tired, eyes bloodshot as he looks at her. A muscle in his jaw twitches and his lips make an aborted attempt at smiling before he schools his expression. “It’s late.”
“Seojun—” Jugyeong takes a step towards him.
He counters it with a step backwards. “Don’t.”
Jugyeong stays where she is.
“Please,” Seojun’s throat moves up and down, hands clenching into fists at his sides. “Not now, okay?” his voice is soft despite everything. Despite heartbreak and rejection. “I can’t force you to return my feelings but I need you to give me time, okay?”
Jugyeong has to curl her toes in her shoes to hold back from taking another step. “Seojun—”
“I was being selfish,” Seojun declares on a breath. “I know that now. You never got over your feelings for Suho and I took advantage of that. I spent all this time thinking that being friends would be enough. But it wasn’t and I… I was too wrapped up in my own feelings that I lost sight of yours,” he looks downcast and away, smiling to himself.
He always smiles. To bring those around him a sense of comfort.
But she sees right through him. There’s a sadness singeing the edges of his smile as he forces himself to look at her. “I’m sorry.”
Jugyeong feels lost for words, something that Seojun doesn’t seem to mind. “I’ll drive you home,” he lifts the bag he’s holding. “Let me put this inside, okay?”
He walks past her, and.
Jugyeong’s words aren’t working but her body moves on instinct, on a rampant, deep-rooted urge to tell him. She turns around, arms enveloping him from behind and bringing his walk to a sudden stop.
She holds on tight, shakes with a cry.
The bag he’s holding drops to the floor.
She waits a beat. Then two. Three. Loses count a dozen beats later.
Then his hands rest on hers. “Yah. Don’t be dramatic,” he croons. “I’ll get over you. You have no idea how many women flock around me every day asking for—”
“I want you,” Jugyeong cuts in, voice a choked, tearful thing as she hugs him tighter.
Seojun’s playful words screech to a stop, his whole body drawing taut against her as his hands drop from hers, swinging still at his sides. She holds her own wrist, keeping her hold on him firm. “If you still want me,” she pules, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Give me a chance.”
Seojun’s completely quiet and still. His silence sounds like rejection.
Her heartbeat counts the passing seconds for her, and when he lifts his hands again to unclasp hers from around him, she gets what he meant by a broken clock.
It hurts. His touch’s gentle as he forces her to let go of him, but it hurts. Up until now, she thought her heart was scattered in pieces on the airport floor where Suho left her two years ago. But this. This is a whole new ilk of pain. One that wraps itself tight around her heart and pulls taut until she can barely breathe.
She moves back. To salvage what’s left of her dignity. To pick up its tatters and leave.
Seojun doesn’t let her step out of his space though. He’s holding her hand and he’s turning around to face her.
And if he’s rejecting her. If he’s going to reject her while looking at her like that, like the whole world could burn to ashes around them and he wouldn’t care as long as he’s drowning in her. Well. It’s a heartache Jugyeong thinks she can weather.
He lifts her hand to his mouth and kisses her palm, eyes not leaving her. Her lungs slacken, breath trembling out of her as she watches him watch her.
She tilts her hand to hold his cheek and thumbs away a tear he unshackles. Then. “Do you know what ambrosia symbolizes?” her voice drops to a hoarse whisper.
He does know. Because he’s smiling. A smile that would make the blind smile. And he’s stepping in and he’s crying a laugh or laughing a cry. Then he’s kissing her.
Laughing against her mouth and framing her face with gentle fingers.
She kisses back. And it’s the only right she’s ever known.