Chapter Text
There goes my heart beating
'Cause you are the reason
I'm losing my sleep
Please come back now
There goes my mind racing
And you are the reason
That I'm still breathing
I'm hopeless now
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Buck rolled over in bed and glanced at the time stamp on the clock that rested on his nightstand.
1:26 AM
He groaned and sat up, rubbing a hand over his face, annoyed that he had to be up in four hours and still hadn’t managed to fall asleep yet. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was the joy on his best friend’s face as he introduced the 118 to his girlfriend, Ana Flores.
Buck’s fake smile at the party convinced everyone that he was delighted Eddie found someone to cherish and love, even if it wasn’t him. He supposed it was time to push his feelings aside, even if it did crush him because it meant so much to him that Eddie had finally found happiness in his life.
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“So, Eddie, where’s your guest?” Chim’s question had Buck falter in his stride. His smile dropped a bit, but he quickly pulled it back up and continued his conversation with Maddie as he subtly eavesdropped on Eddie and Chim.
From the corner of his eye, he can see a faint blush crawl up Eddie’s face. He nervously chuckled before answering, “She’s parking her car right now.”
They were at Athena and Bobby’s for the usual Sunday barbeque. Eddie mentioned that he wanted the team to meet someone and Bobby all but invited his guest to the grill. No one knew who this guest was — not even Buck.
And Buck, well, he felt intimidated. And jealous. It’s not like he and Eddie were dating, so he had no place to be jealous. The burning pit in his chest did not simmer though, so he took a large swing of his drink.
“Woah, Evan, are you okay?” Maddie had a concerned look in her eye.
He can’t form words, so he nods. A little too fast, and a little too much, and his sister wants to press for more but she doesn’t, and he’s grateful.
The doorbell rings.
Eddie stands up taller, head flickering between the door and the crowd of people. “That’s probably her. I’ll get the door.”
Buck’s eyes shamelessly follow Eddie as he climbs the stairs to open the door. Standing on the other side is a beautiful woman with dark eyes and dark eyes. She’s in a red dress that makes her skin radiate and oh.
Eddie presses a quick kiss to her lips as a greeting and grabs the bottle of wine from her hand, ushering her into the house. They make it down the stairs together, and Buck turns his head away to avoid accidentally meeting Eddie’s eyes.
“Everyone,” the conversations come to a lull and they give their undivided attention to him. They inch closer to the pair and Buck trails behind everyone, his hand clenching his drink tightly.
“I would like you to meet someone very important to me. This is Ana Flores, my girlfriend.”
Buck’s heart drops. He’s frozen to his spot and doesn’t know what to think. Girlfriend. Eddie. Eddie. Girlfriend.
His eyes catch his best friend’s and he quickly throws a smile his way as everyone crowds the new couple, eager to get to know her. Ana is making her way around, shaking hands and hugging, when Buck decides he needs to get his act together and extend his greeting before figuring out a way to leave the party without looking suspicious.
“Hi, I’m Buck.” He sticks his hand out for her to shake, and he’s a little thrown back by the way she goes in for a hug. With a drink in his left hand, he awkwardly hugs her back with the right.
“ You’re Buck.” A knowing glint is in her eye but it leaves as quickly as it came. “Eddie’s told me a lot about you.” She smiles and he feels funny like he should hate her, but she’s done nothing wrong to him.
“All good things I hope,” he prays his voice doesn’t give away how he feels on the inside.
“Only the best.”
He swallows thick. “So — uh, how did you guys meet? Coffee shop? Park?”
Ana brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. “Actually, I was Christopher’s teacher last year. We met through parent-teacher conferences and we just clicked.”
A teacher, huh. It made sense, in a way.
Ana is someone who would understand Eddie’s priorities, which were mainly Chris and his health and happiness. She is someone who’s enough for Eddie, the way Buck knows he could never be.
“I’m just so glad to have him in my life. I’ve never been this happy before and when he wanted to introduce me to his team, I was elated.” She beamed at him. If Buck could see the insides of people, she was probably filled to the brim with happiness.
“Yeah, he’s the best.” He repeats.
He sees Athena coming up to them, most likely wanting to introduce herself. Quickly taking it as an escape route, he comments, “Well, I won’t keep you waiting. There are many people who are excited to meet you. Welcome to the party, by the way.”
“Thanks, it was so great to meet you!” Ana waves goodbye at him and turns around to have a conversation with Athena.
He’s alone for maybe five whole seconds before Eddie joins him.
“So, what do you think?”
Five words are all it takes for his heart to race rapidly.
Raising an eyebrow, Buck responds, “What, you need my approval or something?” His throat burns when he takes another swing at his drink and he’s glad to feel a different type of pain.
Eddie frowns and Buck suddenly regrets his response. He never wants to see Eddie frown or be unhappy.
“No, I just —I dunno. I guess it’s a little weird to be dating again, yeah, but I think it’s time.”
It’s time.
Two words have never crushed his soul more. It’s time I leave you. It’s time I find a different love.
It’s time I don’t stay.
“She seems nice.” He takes the third swing. “Perfect for you.”
“You know, I wasn’t sure about asking her to meet the team. Normally I wouldn’t introduce a new partner this early but this is different. The connection is definitely there, how could I avoid it? Plus, Chris loves her.”
Of course, Chris loves her. He can win over just about anyone and for him to grow this fond of someone so quickly, it hurts him a little.
In a split second, Buck could see the Buckley-Diaz movie marathons replaced with family dinners, his personal drawer cleared out for Ana, and replacing him with Ana on their weekend trips to the aquarium or space museum.
Buck knows he’s thinking too far ahead and jumping to terrible conclusions, but he can’t help it. In the end, everyone leaves. He just assumed Eddie and Chris would be the last to go.
“Hey, man, thanks for giving me the push to go out there again. Really, I owe this all to you.” Eddie squeezes his shoulder and walks over to his girlfriend. They chat with Hen and Karen as Eddie gently pecks her cheek and holds her hand.
They fit, Buck thinks bitterly. Like a lock and key.
“You’re welcome,” he mumbles. It’s his own fault that he’s feeling this way. Maybe if he hadn’t pushed Eddie to find someone then he wouldn’t be drinking his feelings away right now. It made Buck sad to see that his best friend was lonely and unhappy. So, he cast his loved for Eddie away, and told him to “get back out there”.
It worked. But perhaps too well. Maybe Eddie’s too far out there to ever come back to Buck.
Stop being an idiot, his conscience tells him. Eddie is happy. Let him be happy. Your feelings aren’t important right now. Look at the smile on Eddie’s face.
He glances up and he feels reassured. One look at Eddie made him feel safe. And that smile, oh, that smile is beautiful. It lights up a room and brings warmth into his chest.
Okay.
He doubts he’ll ever get over the love he has for Eddie, and he doubts he will ever stop loving his best friend, but he’ll ignore it for now. He has to.
Buck’s heart is heavy and he takes the last swing, walking over to the trash can to dump it away.
He heads out the door to get some fresh air, and frankly, to get away from the loving couple. A familiar body perched on top of a lounge chair near the pool catches his attention.
“Chris?”
The little boy perks up at the sound of his name. “Buck!”
“Hey, buddy,” an immediate smile forms on Buck’s face. It’s genuine this time. “What are you doing out here? Party’s in there.” He jerks a thumb behind his shoulder.
“It got too loud in there,” he mumbled back.
Quickly catching on that something was bothering Chris, he sits down on the chair beside him. “What’s wrong, Superman?”
Chris frowns for a brief moment. “I don’t want you to go away.” He climbs into Buck’s lap and fumbles around with the hem of his shirt.
Buck is confused. “What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere.” It only takes one look at Chris to notice that the boy has got tears welled up in his eyes. Buck caresses his head and gently places it on his shoulder.
“You’re not around anymore.”
“What? I don’t understand Chris.”
The boy sniffles. “You’re there with me, but you’re not there with me and Daddy. We’re not a family anymore. Is it my fault? Did I do something?” He turns his head up to look at Buck.
“No, no, Chris. It’s not your fault.” He sighs before coming up with a fast explanation. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there but that is not on you. Your dad has been meeting someone and I just wanted to give him space. Even though I wish for nothing more, I can’t be here all the time. I hope you understand that.” Buck is reminded of all the times Eddie has called him over for babysitting duties while he ventured out into the evening. He should’ve figured it was to go meet Ana.
“Yeah, Ana, I know.” Chris goes back to mumbling and lays his head on Buck’s shoulder again.
“What’s the problem? I thought you liked Ana.”
Chris lets out a soft sigh. “I do. She’s nice.”
“But?”
A short moment of silence wash over them before he speaks up again. “But she’s not you.”
Buck’s heart hammers in his chest. His ribcage suddenly seems too small for his heart to hold the love he has for this little boy. “I—Chris?”
For once, he’s speechless. She’s not you.
He had no idea he meant this much to Christopher, and the adoration he feels is immense.
“Please don’t leave.”
He gently kisses Chris’s head, running a hand through his hair. “I won’t,” he promises.
“I wish you could stay forever. You will, won’t you?” The hope in the little boy’s voice crushes him.
“I’ll try my hardest to stay with you, forever.”
“And Daddy, too!” Chris quickly adds, worried Buck forgot about what made him sad in the first place.
Buck leans his head back against the chair, his fingers continue to stroke Chris’s hair.
“Yeah, Daddy, too.” His voice is thick and tears well up in his eyes, knowing he’ll have to break his promise one day.
Because one day, Eddie won’t need him in his life anymore. One day, Chris will understand his absence and forget him. One day, the people he loves most will leave him behind. And the thought alone tears him up in more ways than he can imagine.
And if Ana happens to walk by, happens to hear the end of the conversation, and happens to see the lone tear seep out of Buck’s eye, she doesn’t mention it.