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Rey stares at the two pink lines on the stick. She’s in her and Ben’s bathroom, hands firmly planted on the counter, leaning over the test.
She’d bought it earlier that same morning, after Ben had left for work. Rose had gently suggested it the night before after Rey had told her she had been experiencing some nausea over the past week and half or so. Rey had laughed it off, but she kept thinking about it the rest of the night, trying to remember when her last cycle was. When she checked her calendar the next morning, she saw that she was indeed very late, almost due for the next one. How she could have gone that long without noticing, she had no idea, but Rey had caved and bought a test.
She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths, then straightens and reaches for her phone that’s sitting on the counter.
She surprises herself by not calling Ben, or even Rose.
“Rey, dear. How are you?” Leia’s voice sounds through the phone’s speaker after a few rings.
“I...” she brings her hand to her forehead and rubs at her temples. She can’t feel anything other than shock and anxiety gnawing in her chest. “I don’t know.”
“Hmmm. Are you at home?” Leia’s voice takes on a concerned tone. After knowing each other for about three years, almost two of them spent being married to her son, it still makes Rey’s heart hurt -in a good way- that Leia has accepted her so fully into her family.
“Yeah, I’m at home today. Ben is at work,” she leaves the bathroom, enters their bedroom and sits on the bed as she speaks. Kylo looks up from where he is laying with a chew toy on Ben’s side of the bed.
“Well I’m in the area, if you’d like me to stop by.”
Rey smiles as she feels that little twinge in her chest again at her words.
“If you’re not too busy, I’d actually appreciate it.”
“Of course. I can be there within the hour, I just need to drop a few things off. Is there anything you’d like me to bring you?”
Rey feels like she might cry. This sweet woman doesn’t even know what’s going on and she’s offering to come visit and bring her things.
“No, that’s alright. Thank you, though.” Rey lays down on the bed and closes her eyes. She feels Kylo move closer to her and nudge her shoulder with his nose, asking for scratches which she reaches her free arm up to give.
“Okay. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way.”
After they’ve said goodbye and hung up, she twists around to look at the dog. His eyes close as she rubs his silky black ears. When she stops, Kylo moves closer to lay right against her side and let her wrap her arms around him. Rey cuddles the dog for a few minutes before sitting up. He looks expectantly at her, mouth hanging open and tail wagging. She smiles softly, giving him one last ear scratch before going back to the bathroom.
For a moment she stares at the test still sitting on the counter, then puts it in one of her drawers where she knows Ben won’t find it. She’s not scared for his reaction; just a few weeks ago she had watched their friend Kaydel hand him her newborn and saw how his eyes practically lit up, how carefully he had held the tiny girl against his chest and gently rocked her when she had fussed. She knows he’ll be excited and knows he’ll be a good father to this baby and any future children they may or may not have. She just doesn’t really want him to find out by seeing a positive pregnancy test just laying on their bathroom counter.
As she walks out of the room to go to the kitchen, she catches her reflection in the large, full length mirror leaning on the bedroom wall. She stops in front of it and pulls her shirt up past her stomach.
Rey brings her free hand up to rest on her lower abdomen, over the general area where she assumes her baby is. She has no idea how far along she is, though obviously not very far since she’s only missed one period. The thought only further increases her anxiety.
Tears start to form and she closes her eyes, taking a few moments to breathe deeply. Her hand gently rubs back and forth over her still flat stomach. It’s hard to reconcile with the fact that there’s a tiny someone growing in there.
She feels Kylo’s nose bump against her leg. Rey keeps one hand on her stomach and rests the other on his head, rubbing between his ears. Though he hasn’t been trained in any therapeutic capacity, the dog has always been very perceptive of both Rey and Ben, knowing just when they need a little extra support.
When she’s calmed a bit and her eyes open, she tries to imagine how she’ll look in a few months. She finds she doesn’t hate it, though she knows what she’s imagining and what she’ll actually look like will probably differ.
It’s not being pregnant that she’s worried about, however. It’s what comes after that has her on edge.
An hour later, Leia is seated across from Rey at her small kitchen table, both with cups of tea. Kylo lounges on the nearby couch in a sunspot produced by one of the large windows in the room.
“Have you told Ben yet?” Leia reaches across the table to take her hand.
Rey shakes her head and takes a sip of her tea. “Not yet. You were the first.”
“Rey,” Leia waits until she looks up to continue. “You seem nervous.”
There’s no point in trying to hide it from Leia, so Rey takes a breath and nods. “I am.”
“About what? Telling Ben?”
“No! No, I know he’ll be excited. I just... I don’t know how to do this.” She puts her head in her hands.
“Do what?” Leia prompts.
Kylo chooses this moment to leave his sunspot and trot over to Rey, resting his head in her lap and huffing loudly, a sign he wants attention. Rey strokes his head as she takes a moment to gather her jumbled thoughts before looking back to Leia. “Being a mom, I guess. I can’t remember either of my parents. The foster homes I lived in didn’t exactly have model parental figures. I don’t know where to start. I’m scared I won’t be good at it.”
Her mother in law smiles softly at her. “I felt the same way when I got pregnant with Ben.”
“You did?”
Leia nods. “Oh, I was terrified. I know I haven’t shared much with you about my childhood. I don’t know if Ben has told you about it, but mine and Luke’s birth mother died in childbirth, and we were both adopted. My parents both died when I was 19. As much as I wish it had been different, I didn’t have my mother to ask for help. And to be honest, most new mothers are at least a little scared at first. But instinct will kick in. And Rey, you have a whole team of supporters behind you. You’ve got an amazing group of friends, a husband who loves you more than anything and who would do anything for you. And of course you have me. I know I don’t replace your mother, that has never been my intention, but I will still be there for you whenever you need me, Rey. For you and Ben. And this little one.” She pats her hand.
“Thank you, Leia.”
“Looks like Kylo here would disagree with you, though. He’s essentially your first child anyway.”
At the sound of his name, Kylo perks up and leaves Rey in favor of Leia. Although the woman is not incredibly fond of dogs, everyone knows she secretly has a soft spot for the black lab.
“Have you been able to make any doctors appointments yet?” Leia looks at Rey as she pats Kylo.
Rey shakes her head. “Not yet.”
“I can get you in touch with a friend of mine, Amylin, if you’d like. She comes highly recommended.”
“That would be great, actually. Thank you.”
“Of course. But first things first. You need to tell Ben,” she says as she gives Kylo a few scratches.
Rey nods. “I will, I just need a little time, I think.”
“I understand, just not too much time I hope.” Leia takes a sip of her tea.
“No, I’ll tell him soon. Probably tomorrow. Just to give myself time to wrap my head around this.”
Very early the next morning, Ben wakes up to empty arms and the sound of the bathroom door creaking open. He sees the light turn on, but doesn’t hear anything else.
He gets up when Rey doesn’t come back after a few minutes. Kylo, who had been sleeping in his dog bed in the corner of the room, meets him by the door. He crouches in front of the dog, reaching his hand out to rub his ear.
“I got this, buddy, don’t worry. Go back to bed,” he says softly. Kylo whines, but obediently returns to his bed when Ben straightens up. He knocks lightly on the door before pushing it open.
“Rey?”
She’s sitting on the ground near the toilet with her feet planted on the floor, elbows resting on her knees and head in her hands. He smiles slightly at what she’s wearing, tiny sleep shorts and an old black shirt of his; though it’s been shrunk a few times over in the wash, it still hangs off her shoulder and she has to roll or shove the long sleeves up her arms every few minutes when she wears it around the house.
Ben pulls the door closed behind him, not entirely convinced Kylo won’t try to follow him. He sits down next to her and rubs her back slowly. After a minute or two, she leans over and rests her head on his leg. His fingers run through her hair and hears her sigh against him.
“You still not feeling well?”
She had been nauseous on and off for over a week, but had waved it off as just a stomach bug; he’s been getting a little worried, to be honest. And she’d seemed even more off ever since he’d come home last night. They had eaten takeout and watched a movie together in bed, Kylo periodically switching from laying at their feet to pressing against one of their sides, but she hadn’t been her usual chipper self. Usually they would have talked about the movie while it was going, but she had just snuggled down in his arms and hadn’t said much as they watched.
Rey sighs again and sits up, turning to look at him. He brushes her hair away from her face.
“This isn’t how I was gonna tell you...” she has a tiny, almost sad smile on her face. Ben instantly starts to worry.
“Tell me what?” his panic must be evident in his voice or in his expression, because she chuckles a little and runs a hand through his hair.
“I’m not sick, Ben.” She pushes herself up to stand and turns toward the counter. He stands and watches her open one of her drawers. She takes an audibly deep breath before pulling out a small box from the back of the drawer.
“What’s that?” He asks when she doesn’t turn to him after a moment.
She turns around, but keeps the box and it’s contents hidden behind her back. “Close your eyes.”
“Rey, what-”
“Just do it Ben, trust me.” She laughs softly, cutting off his growing frustration.
He sighs but closes his eyes. He hears the box open and whatever is inside slides out. He feels Rey’s fingers curl around his hand, lifting it palm up, then feels her place the object on top.
“Okay, open.” She says as her hands leave his. He opens his eyes to first look at her, then at the pregnancy test currently resting in his hand and back to her.
Wait, what?
He does a double take, bringing it closer to his face to see the result. As he does, everything starts clicking. Her recent nausea and tiredness suddenly make more sense. He already knows what he’s going to see before the two pink lines come into focus.
The panic that had slowly been growing is quickly replaced by excitement. While they haven’t been actively trying, haven’t really talked about it other than they know they want children eventually, they haven’t been actively taking precautions against getting pregnant either. It seems ‘eventually’ is now.
Ben looks back to Rey, a smile on his face. “Is this real?”
She nods, lips upturned slightly, and his smile grows wider. He drops the test on the counter in favor of wrapping his arms around her waist, lifting her up off the ground. She holds onto his shoulders as he spins them around, a small giggle escaping her mouth.
He comes to a stop and sets her down on the counter. He holds her close to him, standing between her legs with one hand on her hip and the other resting on her thigh. She moves her hands from his shoulders to the back of his neck, he feels her fingers threading through his hair.
Her smile is small, but radiant as always as he leans in to kiss her.
Rey breaks away and her hands slide down to his chest. He rests his forehead against hers for a moment, then presses a kiss to her cheek before pulling back to look at her. Her eyes are unfocused, distracted, with a hint of tears starting to form. There’s something bothering her.
“What’s wrong, love?” He lifts his hand from her thigh to tuck her hair behind her ear and cup her face, thumb smoothing over her cheekbone. The other slips under her shirt to lightly trace up and down her side.
She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment, leaning into his palm. When they open again, a tear spills down her cheek. “I’m scared, Ben.”
As soon as the words leave her lips, he understands. After carefully chipping down her walls over the first few months they had been dating, he had gotten her to trust him fully. He knows more about her childhood than anyone else, aside from Finn who was actually there for part of it. He knows what kind of people she was placed with, that she didn’t have the kind of care she should have had while growing up. He understands how that could have left her feeling inadequate, like because of the example she was given that she wouldn’t be a good parent. While their childhoods were vastly different, his spent in a large, lonely house with all the possessions he could want and parents who more often than not seemed too busy for him; even though he now knows and believes that his parents love him, he can somewhat relate to how Rey is feeling.
They had both felt so alone for so long, but they’re not alone anymore.
”C’mere,” He lifts her from the counter, prompting her to wrap her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.
“I can walk, you know,” she mumbles sleepily against his shoulder as he moves back to their bed.
He chuckles and just holds her tighter. “I know.”
“What are you doing?” She lifts her head when, instead of just setting her down on the bed, he climbs onto it with her arms and legs still wrapped around him.
“Well I, for one, always feel a lot better here with you than anywhere else,” he says, lowering her against the pillows.
Rey holds his face in her hands as he hovers over her. He leans to one side, propped up on his right elbow, fingers running through her hair, while the left hand holds onto her wrist.
“Sweetheart, listen to me,” he whispers. “You are not alone in this. We try our best and make sure they know they are loved. That’s the most important thing we can do, alright?”
She nods, blinking back tears. He wipes an escaped one from her cheek and leans down to kiss her. He slides his left hand down her arm and to her side, the other arm sliding under her, hand splayed across her back. Her arms wind around his neck, holding him against her.
They are interrupted by the sound of tags clanking together by the foot of the bed. Ben pulls away and rolls onto his side when Kylo starts quietly whining.
“Come on up, buddy,” he calls to the dog and a few seconds later they hear him jump onto the bed.
Rey laughs when Kylo nudges her arm away from her body and plops down by her side, her arm conveniently around him, resting his head on her chest. Ben reaches over to scratch behind his ears.
“If he could talk, I think he’d say you take care of him pretty well.”
“Well I suppose he is just a big baby,” she strokes the dog’s back fondly as he wags his tail. After a moment she turns her head to look at Ben. “Your mom said the same thing, you know.”
“Oh? When was this?” He turns his attention back to his wife.
“Yesterday morning,” she sighs, looking back to Kylo for a moment before meeting his gaze again. “I’m sorry, I took that test and I thought you would be the one I told first, then I saw it was positive and she was the first person I wanted to talk to.”
“Hey, don’t apologize.” He moves his hand from Kylo’s ears to the back of her neck, thumb brushing against her jaw. “I’m glad you feel like you can talk to her. It took me a while to get to that point.”
His relationship with both his parents had turned sour in his later teen years, resulting in over six years of estrangement after he left for college, but meeting Rey had turned his life upside down. It was because of her that he now had a relationship with his family.
Rey lifts her free hand to his cheek. “I know. I’m glad you did.”
“Me, too.” Ben turns into her hand, pressing a kiss to her palm. He moves his hand from her neck, trailing down her side to rest on her stomach, thumb stroking gently. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you, too. But,” she pauses and lets go of his cheek to hold onto his hand, “baby is down here.”
She pushes his hand a few inches further down. He laughs and looks down at their hands, both covering her nonexistent bump. He lets his head drop down to the pillows, pressing his lips against her shoulder.
“Do you know how long?”
“No. I was going to make an appointment later today.” She leans her head to the side, resting her temple against his forehead.
“I can come with you, right?” He asks, stifling a yawn. It really is very early.
Rey chuckles, jostling Kylo from his spot on her other side. The dog stands up and moves to lay by their feet, though they both know he’ll end up wedged between them somehow.
“Yes, you can come with me, Ben.”
“Good. Now let’s sleep, it’s too early.”
“Agreed,” Rey whispers, eyes already drifting closed.
Ben quickly gets out of bed to turn the bathroom light off. He then returns, reaching down to tug the blankets that had been pushed down earlier back up to cover them. He curls around her, nuzzling her neck with his nose and wrapping his arms around her waist, tugging her close. She responds by snaking her arms under his and around his torso. He rolls onto his back, pulling her to rest against his side, her head on his chest.
“I love you, Ben.” She mumbles, snuggling closer. He runs his hand up and down her back.
It takes him by surprise sometimes, the fluttery feeling he can still get after being together for four years, almost two of them spent being married, that comes from hearing those words come from her mouth.
“I love you, too.”
They wake up, hours later, still wrapped in each other’s arms, Kylo predictably pressed against them.