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It’s a well guarded thing, Hua Cheng’s missing eye. Xie Lian knows why it’s gone, he knows it was always a source of pain, but never pushes about seeing the sunken eyelid.
It comes about when they’re soaked through from running home in the rain. Hua Cheng had come to help in Puqi village and didn’t bother changing from his original form. They’re caught in the rain right before they make it up the steps to the shrine. They’re soaked to the bone in the short moment it takes them to run inside. Hua Cheng or Xie Lian could have easily just willed themselves dry but the small laughter as they ring their hair out, helping the other into dry robes, and wiping their face is hard to replace.
Xie Lian quickly stands on his tip toes to pat a dry cloth along Hua Cheng’s face. He had a line of water running from his eyepatch. Xie Lian moves to press the cloth over it but there’s a small flinch from Hua Cheng, moving from the cloth. He stops, his eye flicking to Hua Cheng’s, trying to convery he’s sorry.
“I apologize, San Lang,” Xie Lian says with a gentle smile. “I was just trying to get the water from it, I wasn’t trying to move it.”
“Gege can look at whatever he wants,” Hua Cheng says. It’s not very convincing though as his voice shakes at the edges and he looks scared, cornered.
Xie Lian doesn’t mention any of that though. He continues to smile, shaking his head. “San Lang deserves to be comfortable. He can show me whatever he is willing on his own time.”
There’s a tenseness that leaves Hua Cheng from those words and an easy smile comes back onto his face. They’ve talked about boundaries, letting Hua Cheng having things to keep to himself and having his own moments. Xie Lian supports and encourages it so easily smiles, batting away the nervous energy of Hua Cheng trying to insist that everything is for Xie Lian.
Hua Cheng leans forward, drying them both in a blink. Xie Lian looks up, eyeing Hua Cheng at the new robes he’s put into. They’re warmer and and less torn at the seams, quickly patched and sloppily resown where he trips and stumbles over different things in travels.
“San Lang shouldn’t worry about the state of my clothes. He should make sure our roof doesn’t leak again under this rain.”
It dispels the tension in the air easily. They fall into easy chatter as always. Xie Lian cooks dinner and they eat, watching the rain through one of the windows that doesn’t quite close. Hua Cheng notes to fix that when it isn’t wet out.
It’s when they’re in bed, warm as they curl around each other that Hua Cheng is able to speak. “Gege shouldn’t look at my eye. It’s...unsightly.”
Xie Lian shifts, pulling so Hua Cheng is laying across his chest. He ignores how his pulse quickens slightly and gently winds his hands through Hua Cheng’s hair. He takes a moment to say something, chewing his words carefully.
“San Lang is a lot of things,” Xie Lian finally says. “He is kind, proud, strong, beautiful. Many things. You could have any form and I would still say the same because you are my husband. I see nothing about you as unsightly or monstrous. But I understand San Lang has not had the luxury of hearing that very often. He should not be pressured to show me anything he doesn’t wish to.”
It’s quiet, save for Xie Lian’s quiet breathing. There is a slight hitch in Hua Cheng’s shoulders they don’t mention. It’s another moment before Hua Cheng says anything, his voice rough and watery.
“One day. Not today.”
Xie Lian presses a kiss to Hua Cheng’s hair line. “There’s no rush. We have forever.”
It doesn’t take forever for Hua Cheng to finally relax though. Xie Lian had softly broken down his edges, making it easier for him to be complemented, accepting he was beautiful, that he was worthy of love and good things. That Xie Lian wanted to be there no matter what. They had rough patches where Hua Cheng had to cling to Xie Lian, his hands shaking almost imperceptibly or when Xie Lian would retreat into himself, lost and jumping when Hua Cheng touched him. It had taken a very long time but one day, Hua Cheng turns to Xie Lian, smiling nervously like he did when Xie Lian asked to marry him. It’s nervous and giddy all at once and Xie Lian stops, leaning on his toes to kiss it.
“What is San Lang smiling about?” Xie Lian asks against his lips.
“I think I’m ready to show Gege my eye.” he says. He is nervous, tugging at his braid and rolling the pearl between his fingers.
Xie Lian pulls back, smiling gently. “There’s no rush if you’re nervous. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.”
Hua Cheng shakes his head though. If he could, Xie Lian is sure he’d be blushing. “He has been patient and made me feel loved. Gege makes it easy to bare myself in a way I’m not used to. I want to show you something nobody else sees.”
“If you’re sure.” Xie Lian murmurs, smiling so hard his eyes squint.
He moves his hands, deliberate and slow, to the back of Hua Cheng’s head. They’re in their room in Paradise Manor. They had taken over a room after servants flitted through a little bit too often when Xie Lian was in less than decent states. It embarrassed him so much Hua Cheng couldn’t help but move their things into a proper room, adorning it with the best linens and mattress, only for Xie Lian and him. It’s their own little world inside the room and feels like it as Xie Lian unties the eyepatch.
There’s a special rule Xie Lian had made for himself where if he woke up before Hua Cheng, he wouldn’t open his eyes. Not until he heard Hua Cheng moving, putting the eyepatch back on. He had taken off in the cover of darkness, when he thought Xie Lian was asleep, and puts it back on as Xie Lian fakes being asleep.
But as the eyepatch falls, Xie Lian feels his smile turn warmer. There’s scarring from short and jagged nails, part of the lash line not fully together from the intensity and desperation of the marks. Xie Lian doesn’t care. He doesn’t linger on it as he looks at the open anxiety and fear Hua Cheng has as he searches Xie Lian’s face.
Xie Lian leans forward and kisses Hua Cheng’s nose. He rests his thumb under the right eye, stroking along the broken lash line absently as he presses another kiss to Hua Cheng’s cheek, his eyebrow, the corner of his lips. It makes Hua Cheng let out a small laugh. Xie Lian finally stands as high as he can and kisses the scarred sunken eyelid, lingering for a few seconds before he pulls back.
“Like I said before, San Lang is my San Lang. He could never be anything other than beautiful, handsome, kind, wonderful, and the love of my life.” Xie Lian punctuates every compliment with another kiss to the right eye lid.
There’s a strangled and choked noise from Hua Cheng before he buries his nose against the crook of Xie Lian’s neck. He’s shaking and his eye is wet. Xie Lian rubs along his back, humming tunelessly.
“Gege is also the love of my life. I am glad he speaks so highly of this San Lang,” he finally says. It’s broken but so, so fond that Xie Lian beams.
He pulls Hua Cheng up, cupping his face. “I could never speak badly of my San Lang. I would hope he doesn’t do the same as well when he is able.”
Hua Cheng looks at Xie Lian with so much love it leaves him breathless before he kisses Hua Cheng. They’re smiling into the kiss and it’s not very coordinated but that’s okay. They take their time as they stand in their own little world as they whisper to the other and find comfort together.