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It had been days since he last came home. The cold light of the moon peeks through the window sills, breaking the barren darkness of the room. Silence. He felt his heart ache upon the recognition of something he used to know so well. An old friend he used to seek solace with. If it were to be 6 years ago, he knew his soul would jump in happiness with the mere sight of the dark, and silent room.
But things have changed. He had become so used to the sound of a cackle breaking through the morning air. A teasing laugh caressing the pink on his ears. A flirty giggle accompanied with a vision and a promise that he is right where he is supposed to be. It had been so long since he last met silence. So long.
A whiff of a breeze flew through the open window. Cold, and alone. The warmth of his breath disappearing as it joins the chill of the circulating wind. He breathed with the weight of every painful things on his chest as he looked at the place that was used to be painted with bright orange and yellows, now a vision of black and blues.
The sounds of "welcome home"s and "I've been waiting for you"s are now replaced with echoes on an empty hall. The clanking noices and chatter in the kitchen had left him, leaving behind nothing but eerie droplets cascading from a partly-broken faucet. What used to fill his ears with sincere whispers of "I love you"s now gone to the ether.
For the first time since he entered the place half an hour ago, he took his first step. Settling down on a blue velvet couch lined with scarlet red throw pillows.
He was never a fan of those blinding colors. So bright and vibrant. Yet he had let those stay because he had learned the power of falling in love with colors. Falling in love with warmth, with beauty.
"A pop of color never hurts, Lan Zhan!" He said.
He remembered the words like it was spoken yesterday. When in fact it had been so long ago, that the once bright colors of red had dulled down and faded over the years. He felt the corners of his eyes sting at the sudden memory.
He looked over to his left and he was treated with the vision of a place so precious his heart broke with a single glance. The modest queen size laid against the soft blue walls. Carefully pleated and tidied, not a single wrinkle on its sheets. What was once a palace of tickles, giggles, of kisses and cuddles, now a hollow forgotten castle of bittersweet shadows.
"Come back to bed, Wei Ying."
He whispered, mimicking a familiar memory of him waking up on a moonless night, only to see his heart and beloved standing by the window. Staring off into the distance, as if wanting to chase for something.
And he remembered being replied with a sudden, "We should go see the ocean, Lan Zhan." With an immense fondness reflected on two silver eyes. As if those could already see the water crashing along the shore.
"Mn. We can go tomorrow." He said. And a whine and some giggles would fill the room along with the words the man would often say to him. "But it's now or never, Lan Zhan!"
And then he sluggishly took the blanket off his body and started packing their things for a late night trip to the beach.
An unwelcomed tear fell from his eyes as he moved. Placing himself silently and carefully within the covers of the bed with desperate feelings clawing on his chest. The memory, oh so precious yet so wounding all at the same time.
Because it was only ever with Wei Ying, that pain was pleasure and pleasure was pain.
"Why did you leave, Wei Ying?" He whispered on the empty air. With a silent sliver of hope that a cheerful voice would pop from behind and tell him that everything was just one of the man's extremely elaborate jokes.
That the letter he left him was written 20 seconds before he placed it on his office desk because he almost forgot about it being the key element to the entire prank. That the lack of his own colorful clothes inside their closet only meant he would start wearing his clothes more often now, knowing how much he loves seeing him clad in nothing but his boyfriend's too-big white shirts. That his sudden and unspoken resignation from his precious art teaching job was because he was offered to teach on some better school. That his phone being unreachable and his social media accounts being deactivated only meant he wanted to stay off his phone and start spending more time with him.
That him disappearing, is just him preparing for some surprise for their 5th anniversary tomorrow.
But tomorrow became today, and today to yesterday, and yesterday became a week ago. And there was no surprise. There was no Wei Ying.
He heard himself sob for the first time in his entire life since he was young. He clutched on the edges of the thick duvet as he closed his eyes tightly. Streams of liquid cascading down from the folds of his eyes. They were left uncared for.
He just wanted to know why.
Why Wei Ying, why?
And there, he cried. Cried every drop and ounce of tears he held back since the first day he was gone. Sobbed as loud as he could to fill the breaking and wounding silence cutting through his bones. A symbol reminding him that everything is gone. His everything is gone. Reminding him that what used to be endless moments filled with a warm smile, so bright and beautiful it puts all the stars in the sky to shame, was nothing but a mere memory now.
A memory.
And so he peeked. Eyes opening and staring on the floor to ceiling window right across the bed. And then the vision overlapped with the memory and he could almost see him again. Standing there. With his back facing him creating nothing but a silhouette against the shine of the bright stars.
And he would say "Come back to bed, Wei Ying." and he would be treated with a giggle and a whine and an invitation to go see some place in the middle of the night and he would say "It's now or never, Lan Zhan!" And he would get himself out of bed and do just as what his love wanted.
But he cant do that now. Not anymore.
Because the vision is now nothing else but a memory. Yet he knew, that the memory of a silhouette by the window sills will forever haunt him. Everyday as he wakes up, and every night as he close his eyes to sleep.
Because everything he could ever wish for, everything he could ever need and want.
Everything used to be now.
Then, it became never.