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Lan Wangji had long known he would someday grow tired of the three-piece suits. Of the glasses of wine barely even touched. Of the files and folders stacked on a long, sturdy table. He knew a day would come that the clicking of leather shoes against hardwoord floors would start driving him crazy. The silence he had grown accustomed to, the empty air he had graciously learned to link with comfort and safety and sanity, will soon become the crumbling edges of a nightmare he could never run away from. Lan Wangji knew that day will come. He just didn’t expect it to come this fast.
“Wen Qing is an outstanding woman, Wangji. She’s a medical graduate of an internationally renowned university and she’s currently helping in the conservation of farmlands and husbandry in the south.” Lan Wangji tried to steady his breathing as he listened, calming himself down before he could even do something he knew he was not supposed to.
“Yes, I am sure Miss Wen is great. But marrying Wangji off with a Wen exiled from the main family will bring us nothing. The most she can probably do is get the farmers to side with us in the next election.”
“A Wen exiled is still a Wen. I’m sure once the main family hears that Wangji married her, they’d take her and that brother of hers back in. Afterall, she is still marrying into the Lan surname. We’ll still be able to reap the benefits of being related to the Wens, while keeping Wangji’s image pure. Since he’s marrying an exiled woman-turned-farmer.”
Lan Wangji’s fingers ached and tremble. It almost felt desperate. He wanted to hold something. He wanted to reach for something and rely all of his strength there. Lan Wangji breathed a heavy huff before reaching towards the untouched glass of red wine.
“What about Miss Luo from the Jin Family of the flatlands? I heard that although she is just a maid of service to the Jin heir, she’s still receiving excellent education and being trained to handle political affairs in the future. Marrying her will cement our alliance with the Jins and make sure the affairs between the flatlands and the mountains of Gusu will always be under our radar.”
Lan Wangji breathed with a final blink as he raised the glass to his lips. Feeling the warm spikes of alcohol cascading down his throat. He downed the entire glass right in front of the elders of his family. But as if he wasn’t contented with that action alone, he dropped the glass back to the table with a loud thud. He felt his brother’s gaze burning against his cheeks. And for the first time since the meeting started about an hour ago, Lan Wangji looked up to meet someone’s eye in that meeting table. “… Wangji.” He heard his brother whisper right beside him.
There was a long pause of eerie silence. Lan Wangji was glad that his uncle was not there to witness him openly ‘rebel’ in front of the other elders of the family. He was glad that no one else in that table has the power nor courage to stop him and reprimand him from his actions.
He was wrong.
As Lan Wangji prepared to get up from his seat and leave the room, he was frozen stuck on the ground by a booming voice. “Lan Wangji.”
It was definitely the first time he closed his eyes tightly shut and reached for his temples infront of a lot of people. Lan Wangji felt disappointment coursed through his veins as he did not expect this little scene of his to fire back at him this quick. He’s exhausted. Tired of being the ‘best’ puppet.
“Uncle.” Lan Wangji uttered as he greeted Senator Lan, who was standing by the entrance of the Lan estate’s meeting room. “You have returned.”
Lan Qiren’s brows were furrowed as he stared at his nephew. Lan Wangji recognized the image of disappointment and rage to which he would usually bend and cower in fear from. But not anymore. He’s exhausted. Tired of constantly being afraid.
His uncle huffed a small cough before looking at the other people inside the room. His eyes wandered back to Lan Wangji before he continued. “Meet me in my office.” Lan Wangji couldn’t do anything else but nod and bolt out of the room and into his uncle’s office.
As he entered, his gaze first caught the small wooden plaque sitting on the large wooden table. “Senator Lan Qiren” it said. He could almost feel the huff of mockery scratching at his throat. But he digressed. He was raised better than that.
Lan Wangji stood at the middle of the empty and silent room as he waited for the senator to come. Finding himself eerily calm. His thoughts were glued onto one thing. Onto one image. The silence was doing things in Lan Wangji’s head. He’s starting to look back and regret once again. It’s been 6 months.
A few more empty minutes passed him by before the silence was overtaken by the sound of the office door opening. He was quick to raise his head up from the floor to meet the gaze of the man that had just entered. He watched his uncle walk to his seat, all while he continued to stand in front of him.
The old senator proceeded to carefully organize the clutter of files on his desk. After so, he opened his laptop. Lan Wangji saw his uncle fiddle with something for a short while before the man grabbed his phone and made a call. For the next 30 minutes, he stood on the same spot. Barely even moving as he continued to watch and wait for his uncle. How petty. He thought.
By the time his uncle lifted his eyes to meet Lan Wangji’s, the clock had just stroke one hour later. With a strained voice, the old senator started. “You do understand the importance of our family’s diplomatic relationships with the other political families, right?”
Lan Wangji stood still. And no, don’t get him wrong. He does understand. Did. He understood, but not anymore. He had chosen to not understand anything anymore.
“Wangji. You do understand, right?”
“Uncle, you are asking me if I understand that I am to be sold and married off for diplomatic purposes.”
Lan Wangji’s throat scratched, he was almost out of breath. His tongue ached and his skin felt like burning soon after he spoke. It was the first time he spoke back to his uncle like that since… Well, since him.
“Lan Wangji!” Lan Wangji couldn’t help but flinch a little at the sudden raise of his uncle’s voice. He was fully aware how disappointed and enraged his uncle was at the moment. And he couldn’t care any less about it.
The senator blew a sarcastic laugh after a few silent seconds. “Ha! Don’t tell me this is still about that wretched adopted child of the Jiangs?” Lan Wangji was silent. “I knew it. You’re still crazy about that useless boy who knows nothing but rebel against the orthodoxy and disgrace his entire family!”
Lan Wangji first saw his hands forming into fists before he felt them. His eyes were glued to the ground as he listened. He’s exhausted.
“Wangji! How many times do I have to remind you that you can go and fool around with anyone in the country, except for that man!”
“I was never fooling around, Uncle.” Lan Wangji recognized the shake in his breathing. “What I had with Wei Ying was never simply ‘fooling around’.”
The old senator was seething in rage in his seat. He dropped his palms down the surface of the wooden table as he stood up and yelled. “So what are you trying to tell me, huh Wangji?” Lan Wangji choked on his own breath. “That you love that useless, good-for-nothing, idiotic and ungrateful rebel? That you love the man who only brought disgrace to the Jiangs?”
Enough. Lan Wangji thought. Enough. “That man couldn’t even do the bare minimum of keeping his mouth shut to save the hands who fed him. He’s fully aware that his family is in alliance with the president and he still can’t keep his mouth shut from throwing disgraceful dirt on the name of the president! Is that the man you’re proudly telling me that you love, Wangji?”
“Yes.” Lan Wangji’s fists trembled. The edges of his eyes were scorching as he struggled to stop himself from tearing up, having heard the most beautiful soul he ever met be criticized and cursed by his own family. “Yes, Uncle. Wei Ying is the man I love. The man who opened the eyes of the common public to the corruption of the secretary of the president and saved the dying people in the slums. The man who starved himself eating scraps for 2 months trying to show the world what 2 months worth of hunger does to the poor bodies of the young children living in the streets. He is the man who fought and screamed at the congress so that the health of the impoverished be prioritized instead of constructing a giant obelisk that was solely for the purpose of bragging and a show of wealth. Wei Ying is that man, uncle. And he is the man I choose to love.” Lan Wangji paused as a tear escaped his eyes. “He is the man I love.”
Silence devoured the room and had multiplied the weight of the air tenfold. The mere act of breathing was so difficult that Lan Wangji couldn’t even heave a sob. His entire body was trembling as his red-rimmed eyes stared at the old senator.
“You can marry me off to anyone, uncle. You can use me as a puppet and make me do whatever it is that you want.” He paused as he swallowed a lump on his throat. “But you are never, ever, to curse and call Wei Ying undeserving of my love. Because if there is anyone in this world who deserves every beautiful thing is this universe, it’s Wei Ying. And no one else.”
Lan Wangji drove across the empty roads of the mountains as tears flowed one by one down his skin. Rage, guilt, regret, bursting in his veins. He knew he shouldn’t have agreed when Wei Ying asked him to end everything between them. He shouldn’t have nodded his head when Wei Ying said “It’s for the sake of both of our families”. He shouldn’t have let go of Wei Ying’s hand, nor should he have stood still as he watched Wei Ying’s back slowly disappear. He shouldn’t have agreed to sacrifice what they had just so they could follow what their families wanted for them to do.
Lan Wangji parked his car by the side of the road as he reached the small clearing at the top of the mountain. He remembered how he slammed the door at his uncle’s face as he left. He had never done that before. Yet nothing felt more freeing than being able to say no to something for the first time in his life.
As he rested his back against the flat of his seat, his eyes watered at the images flashed in his mind. He was reminded of a boisterous laugh. A smile so blinding the sun cowers in comparison. He remembered the 2AM drives up the mountains and the early mornings he spent waiting for the sunrise with the man whose both thoughts and words are worth diamonds. A vision of the picnic they had 8 months ago, and the first time he drank alcohol. The weekend he was sick and he was left to fend for himself, and then suddenly he was there. Wiping his fever down with a cloth and reading him silly children’s books as he drifted off to sleep. He craved for the movie nights and that one series about Roman history they never got to finish. Lan Wangji ached for him. He ached for Wei Ying.
As the tears clouded his eyes, he found himself staring off into the distance.
And as if by magic, he suddenly could breathe again. As if by some sort of sorcery, he found the tears flowing down a smile on his lips. He didn’t even need to think twice about anything. He got out of the car and walked towards the silhouette of a back turned to him. One that he slowly watched disappear infront of his eyes before, now slowly coming into full view.
As he approached, he saw how the light on the moon reflected against the skin of the man standing by the top of the clearning. A solemn look on his face. The smile he had longed to see was missing. But regardless, the image was still beyond breathtaking.
Lan Wangji took a few more steps, only to stop as he was finally standing right beside him. Beside Wei Ying.
He saw the shock in Wei Wuxian’s face as he appeared. The quick shift of his neck to see if Lan Wangji was indeed standing right beside him, left a small smile on the edges of Lan Wangji’s lips. Lan Wangji breathed, and he blinked. And his gaze wandered up the sky. He looked at the beauty of the full moon yet he couldn’t help but to think that the man beside him could easily overshadow the beautiful sight.
Lan Wangji saw by the edge of his eyes that Wei Wuxian soon went back to looking up the sky as well. The comfortable surge of silence that surrounded them was so heart-wretchingly familiar that it felt as though Lan Wangji finally breathed for the first time after being submerged underwater for months. He breathed. And he breathed. And he allowed himself to bask in the lavish moment he knew he could only have when there is Wei Ying.
The silence spanned for what felt like years. Lan Wangji slowly dropped his eyes down to his feet as he breathed again. He felt the cool air gushing down his lungs. And he swore that there is nothing in this world that could feel more beautiful and freeing.
“Do you think,” Lan Wangji was caught as he heard the voice he so desperately missed spoke up. “There will ever be a day when we can finally do what we want do?” Wei Wuxian continued. “When we can finally be who we want to be? Or be wherever we want to go?” A few second of silence settled before he spoke again. “Or be with whoever we want to be with?”
Lan Wangji shifted his entire body to face Wei Wuxian. With a lidded look, he stared at the water brimming against the corners of Wei Ying’s eyes. Lan Wangji stared as he listened. “Will there ever be a day when the voice of the weak will be heard?”
Lan Wangji saw a shadow of a smile appeared on Wei Wuxian’s lips. But they were so weak and muddled with grief that they never reached his eyes. Wei Wuxian said as he smiled mirthlessly. “A day when our voices will be heard…” He continued with a whisper so low it was almost inaudible.
Lan Wangji’s heart caved in on itself as he watched a single tear managed to escape and ran down Wei Ying’s cheek. His fingers ached to reach for it and wipe it away. And so he did.
As his thumb wiped the tear off of the man’s face, the rest of his palm took shelter by Wei Ying’s neck. His heart thumped as he saw Wei Ying moving to nestle his cheeks on the warmth of Lan Wangji’s hand. “Will they ever ask us what we want?” Wei Wuxian was then fully facing Lan Wangji as well. His eyes were glassy as he looked at Lan Wangji with what seemed like desparation and hopelessness. Lan Wangji breathed.
A moment of quiets, “What do you want, Wei Ying?” And the time came into a still. The cool air froze and warmth erupted from both of their chests. Wei Wuxian smiled as he melted against Lan Wangji’s hand. And before Lan Wangji’s heart could even process anything, he was quickly enveloped in the most comfortable, warm, and lovely embrace he had long craved and longed for. Wei Wuxian sobbed against the skin of his neck. Lan Wangji felt as though he was home again.
“Ask me again, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying spoke as Lan Wangji felt his tears on his neck. “What is it that you want, my Wei Ying?” He asked. And there was silence. Wei Wuxian’s arms grew tighter around Lan Wangji’s neck, and Lan Wangji’s fingers dug deeper on Wei Wuxian’s waist.
With the smallest of sobs, We Wuxian answered. “What I want is to lose my breath loving you, waking up with you, singing songs with you, smiling with you, laughing with you, hugging you just like this,” he paused. “What I want is to be able to love you again. And to feel your love again. Just like before.”
Lan Wangji shut his eyes as his arms crossed around Wei Ying’s waist. Wei Wuxian continued. “I want to fight the world with you. So that even if I lose I could still be happy because I know I have you.”
The voices in Lan Wangji’s mind were suddenly hushed into one coherent thought. One that he knew he should’ve long known but had constantly refused to acknowledge.
There is nothing without Wei Ying. And if he were to choose on whether he lives on nothing all by himself, or loose everything but Wei Ying. Then there is no other thoughts nor choices to be done. He would choose Wei Ying. Over and over again.
As Lan Wangji came into that decision, he didn’t realize that the silence and the warmth surrounding the two of them had long dried Wei Ying’s tears. Their chests rose in synchrony. Their breaths danced around each others. Their hearts beating a beautiful melody. And Lan Wangji was certain. Nothing will ever be more beautiful and freeing than this. Than Wei Ying.
The quiet drifted, and Wei Ying whispered. “What do you want, my Lan Zhan?”
And Lan Wangji knew there could only be one thing he is sure of. No answer was more honest and fitting. He whispered back to the love of all his lifetimes, “You.” He breathed, eyes shut and happiness flowing inside him for the first time in what felt like forever. “Only you.”