Archive of Our Own

The day Buck gets his cast off, he’s excited. He looks forward to being able to walk, to go up stairs, to drive and wear regular clothes again. He knows he has a lot of physical therapy ahead of him before all of that comes easily, but he’s excited to get started. Maybe soon he can go back to work.

His first desire upon arriving home is to put on a pair of jeans. He slowly makes his way up the stairs, taking his time. It’s harder than anticipated, his leg is still weak, but he eventually makes it to his bedroom.

Previously, Maddie and Eddie had brought down most of his clothing, leaving only the things he couldn’t wear while in a cast upstairs. While he’d been comfortable wearing pajamas and sweatpants, he’s missed dressing normally.

Sighing, he sits on his bed and rests for a moment before pushing himself back up and towards his dresser. He opens a drawer and pulls out two pairs of jeans, tosses them on the bed and sits back down.

All goes well at first. He removes his sweat pants and gets the jeans over his feet and legs, pulling them up. They feel tighter than expected, but then again, he’s been wearing baggy clothes for months, so perhaps it’s normal.

He only starts to panic when he’s gotten them up to his hips. The problem is that the button won’t close. In fact, it’s a good two inches from even meeting with its corresponding hole.

Buck’s heart rate picks up as he realizes what the issue is, but he’s not going to give up just yet. He takes a deep breath, sucks in his stomach and pulls the two sides of the jeans closer. He’s almost got it. Maybe if he lies down…

In the end, he manages to get them up, but they’re ridiculously tight. He almost cries as he pulls them off and throws them to the corner of his room.

Buck has never been overweight before.

As a kid, he was scrawny. In high school, he worked out and gained muscle. He maintained it as an adult, his gym regiment and job keeping him in shape.

He never really had to worry about what he ate, as his weight never changed much during this time. It’s hard to be fat when you’re moving constantly.

He supposes that’s really the root of the problem. He’s been eating like he did before, but not moving at all. He’s been entirely sedentary since his injury.

It takes him a bit to mentally prepare himself for checking into things further. He’s almost afraid to know how bad the damage is. Just looking in the mirror, he guesses that he’s put on at least twenty pounds. He’s not exactly fat, but he’s not particularly fit looking, either. Most of the weight has gone to his stomach, rounding it out a bit, and he’s wider, too. His butt is slightly more padded as well. His uninjured leg looks the same, but the one that had been in a cast is smaller, thinner, its muscles atrophied from lack of use. Buck thinks it’s sheer luck that his face has been untouched.

He wonders how he didn’t notice it. He also wonders how Eddie didn’t notice. Or did he? And if so, would it impact their relationship? Eddie is a fit man, why would he stay with someone who wasn’t?

The thought makes Buck feel even worse. He curls up on his bed and stares at the wall, hating himself for letting this happen.

Buck resolves to start dieting the next morning.

He wakes up, takes a shower, and reluctantly gets on the scale to see how much he’s gained. He wants to have a starting point.

The result is worse than he anticipated; he’s gained twenty eight pounds. He sighs loudly as he reads the number off, but it does motivate him, and he eats nothing but egg whites and a half a grapefruit for breakfast.

Eddie stops by in the afternoon, by which time, Buck is starving. He’s used to eating larger amounts of food, and his stomach has been growling for hours. It makes him grumpy and he nearly tears Eddie’s head off when he sees that he’s brought takeout with him.

“I wish you hadn’t done that,” he says, glaring at the bags of food. “You should have asked first.”

Eddie seems taken aback by this remark.

“I usually bring takeout. I didn’t think I’d have to ask,” Eddie replies.

“Well I’m not hungry.”

“O...kay,” Eddie says in response. “No one’s forcing you to eat it.”

Buck sighs, wishing on some level that Eddie might bite, and they could argue. He feels angry, both at himself and to some extent at Eddie, because Eddie should have mentioned it before it got this far. Maybe Buck could have caught it before his weight got out of hand. Now he has to diet off thirty pounds, and it’s going to be a miserable process.

Ultimately, they move to the couch and watch a movie while Eddie eats his lunch. Buck is still hungry, his stomach is still growling, but he forces himself to resist the temptation of food.

Eddie leaves that night feeling very confused, but hopeful that in a few days Buck will feel better.

Buck does not end up feeling better. If anything, he feels worse. He only ate a small salad the day prior, and he wakes up to his stomach feeling as if it’s eating itself.

And then the smell hits him. Fucking bacon and eggs and pancakes, and he hears Eddie and Christopher downstairs and remembers that it’s a Saturday, and they have breakfast together on Saturdays. Fuck.

Avoiding the meal is difficult. Buck quietly eats a piece of bacon and two eggs, chewing as slowly as possible. He downs three cups of black coffee, which he hates the taste of, but he knows that there’s no calories in it. He listens to Christopher tell them about his week and his new friends at school, but he makes no comment. All he can think of is that he’s still hungry, that he wants more food but that he can’t have it.

Eddie looks at him and calls his name.

“Buck? You there?”

“Huh?” Buck turns his attention to his boyfriend.

“Christopher was asking if you wanted to go to the Science museum today.”

“Oh. Um, sure.”

Christopher cheers, happy to go, but Eddie looks concerned. Something is definitely up, and he plans to figure out what it is.

Buck still has to rely on crutches to get around for longer distances, as his leg is still weak. It tires him out having to do that, and within an hour of their visit, he’s feeling exhausted. Eddie seems to take pity on him, and suggests that he take a seat while Eddie takes Christopher around a bit more.

When Eddie and Christopher return, Buck is looking worse for the wear. He’s pale and shaky, and Eddie is instantly worried. He doesn’t want to alarm Christopher though, so he waits until they get home, and Christopher is playing a video game to say anything.

Buck is sitting at the kitchen table, holding a cup of coffee, his hand shaking. He tries to bring the mug to his lips, but the shaking is too much.

“Okay, I need to get Hen or Chim to check you over,” Eddie tells him.

Buck starts to protest, but Eddie raises a hand to silence him.

“No. Either you tell me what’s going on, or I call them right now. Something’s wrong. You’re worrying me.”

“I’m fine,” Buck replies, glaring at Eddie. “Stop it.”

“You’re shaking, sweaty and weak. What’s going on? Are you sick? Did the doctor give you new meds or something?”

Buck closes his eyes and growls in annoyance.

“No, none of that. Just… let it be, Eddie. Please.”

He hates that he knows Eddie is right. He hates how weak he is, that he can’t even go three whole days dieting without his body giving out. He hates that he’s even in this situation.

Eddie sighs, sits across from him and takes his hand.

“Buck, you know I love you. I care about you and I’m worried,” he says carefully. “Please be honest with me. I’d do it for you.”

That’s what changes Buck’s mind. He knows Eddie would tell him if something was wrong. He’s always been honest with him about everything.

Buck takes a deep breath before he speaks, wishing he didn’t have to do this.

“It’s just… Since I got hurt, I, y’know. I’m not in great shape anymore.”

“Well I think that’s to be expected. You’re lucky to be alive in general though. And you’ll be walking unaided soon enough.”

“Yes, but… Eddie, come on. You’ve had to have noticed it.”

“Noticed what?” Eddie is looking him dead in the eyes, looking truly concerned.

“That… that I’m fat now. I gained twenty eight pounds, Eddie. In two and a half months! My friggin’ jeans don’t fit. Most of my shirts are tight. You had to have noticed and you didn’t say anything and I don’t understand why. And… and I’m worried, too.” The last part comes out before Buck can stop it.

Eddie opens his mouth, then closes it, unsure of how to respond. He can see that Buck is very upset. His eyes are watery, as if he’s trying not to cry, and it hurts him to see his lover like this.

“What are you worried about?” Eddie finally asks.

“That you won’t be attracted to me. That I won’t be in good enough shape to continue at the 118. That I’m going to end up fat and alone forever.” He sniffles, a tear running down his cheek. This is so stupid, he thinks to himself, and he hates himself more for feeling like this. He should just man up and cope.

Eddie frowns and wipes a tear from Buck’s cheek.

“I see.”

Buck sniffles again, doing his best to stop himself from crying.

“I’ll lose it soon. I’m trying to now. That’s why I’ve been so tired and shaky.”

“Because you’re not eating,” Eddie concludes. “I really wish you’d told me this sooner.”

Buck says nothing. He doesn’t know how to reply. The whole thing is shameful and dumb and kind of scary. He’s expecting Eddie to leave any minute now, tell him how right he is and to go.

“First off,” Eddie goes on, “I did notice, yes, but I didn’t mention it because I saw no reason to. You’re recovering from a serious injury. And… truthfully, I think you look fine! You look good with the extra weight. You’re not fat by any means, you know.”

“Not fit either,” Buck remarks.

“Stop. Stop putting down the man I love,” Eddie says, kissing Buck’s hand. “And let me finish. I’ll always love you, fit, chubby, thin, however you look, I’ll love you. As far as the 118 goes, you’re not that out of shape. Even if you don’t lose the weight, you’ll still be able to train enough to be capable of doing the job.”

He notices that Buck won’t meet his gaze, and he tips Buck’s chin up.

“Look at me.”

Buck forces himself to do so.

“I…,” Buck starts, his shoulders slumped. “I’m not good enough for you. Not like this.”

Eddie sighs. “I meant it when I said I think you look good like this. Really. If anything..." He trails off, pulling up the courage to continue. "If anything, I find you more attractive this way.”

Now it’s Eddie’s turn to feel slightly embarrassed. He’s being honest though. He likes how Buck looks, with his little belly and love handles. It kinda turns him on, not that he ever thought he would admit that.

“You have to be joking,” Buck says, eyes wide. He’s stopped crying. He looks stunned.

“I’m not. But if you want to lose it, that’s fine too! I’ll still think you’re hot. Just don’t do it because you think I want you to. Because I don’t. Really, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted to jump your bones lately. I’ve only held back because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Wow,” is all Buck can think to say. He does feel better, though, having heard all of this. “I never took you for a chubby chaser,” he jokes.

Eddie shrugs.

“I like what I like, and I like you. Now, can I please make you something to eat? I don’t need you passing out on me. You of all people should have known better than to starve yourself.”

Buck snorts and cracks a smile.

“Sure. And thanks… for all of that. For telling me your true feelings. I actually feel kind of better.”

Eddie kisses his cheek.

“Of course. I love you, man.”

Buck smiles bigger.

“I love you too."