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Part 9 of dad I swear it's not my fault but
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Published:
2021-02-07
Updated:
2021-09-18
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1,618
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2/?
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"okay dad, I swear this isn't my fault but..."

Summary:

bits of Den Den conversations between the crew and their (very tired) dad.

Also known as: "the children left the nest. except it doesn't feel like it at all because they call me every three fucking seconds lord take me from this world."

Notes:

aight, been a while since I wrote this series! xD remember that this series isn't chronologically written, so there are a few already adopted kids that I haven't written the process of adoption for yet, but just go with it aight?

these are literal snippets, so you can have fun imagining who is saying what.

For reference, any dialogue in italics is one of the strawhats (over the phone), and dialogue in normal text is Loto.

Chapter 1: (Strawhats) East Blue Saga.

Chapter Text

“So okay uncle, I was robbing this pirate ship--”

Loto pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nami, what have I told you about robbing pirate ships?” 

He can just imagine her sulky pout when Nami mutters, like a rehearsed line, “don’t rob pirate ships,” she mutters sarcastically. Then, “look uncle this isn’t about me--”

 

 

“Mister? Yeah so Luffy, that fucking idiot? He just got carried off by a bird.”

“...what?”

“Can I just leave him?”

“What-- uh, no. No. No, no , no. Go get him back, Zoro. You’re a good boy. Go get him back.”

 

 

“Daaaaad?” Luffy’s voice drags unnecessarily, and Loto’s face is already in his hand. “Zoro got stabbed by a weird guy with a big red nose.”

Loto just facepalmed.

“Did he stab them back?”

“Yeah. But now he’s bleeding again and Nami’s angry at us. I think we need a doctor.”

“Oh Luffy, you think so?” he’s bordering on the edge of wondering if he should strangle the Den Den Mushi, “then maybe you should get one.”

“Oh. Okay then!” and a little further Luffy declares that, " guys, we’ve gotta get a doctor next! Oh, musician first though.”

If they drown, Loto might just let it happen.

 

 

“Mister Loto? Usopp just proposed to Kaya and--”

Loto spat out his drink and spent a while choking. 

A different voice, Nami’s, takes over. Loto hears the sound of a fist connecting against a head. “Can you not give Uncle unnecessary heart attacks?”

 

 

“Sir?”

Loto stared at the snail. Over the years, he’s gotten really got at understanding those tones. 

Sanji is calling him Sir. 

That, if anything, is just strike number one of ‘I think someone just died, help’. 

“Okay sir I swear it’s not my fault, but uhm-- uh yeah, this is about the Mosshead, uh… he kinda challenged a really strong swordsman and got monk’s robe sliced.”

Loto’s heart ceased right there, nearly dropping his pipe in shock. 

He barely gathers enough of himself to bark out his next order, “PUT MIHAWK ON THE FUCKING PHONE RIGHT NOW OR I’LL--”

A distant whisper-shout of ‘how did he know it’s MIhawk? I didn’t say anything!’ before Sanji clears his throat, “...uhm… Mihawk? Sir? Mister Mihawk?”

An awkward pause. 

Then, “our uh, dad, wants to talk to you. Sorry.”

 

 

“Mister, do you ever feel like chucking Luffy across the continent?”

“Something like fifteen times a day, why do you ask?”

 

 

“Uncle, before you scold us about the article and the bounty poster I just want to make it clear that this isn’t my fault.”

Ah, classic. Loto has only gotten that kind of greeting about two thousand times this month. And half of them are from Nami, impressively enough.

It’s almost a staple now, and it’s always by Deuce, Kuina, or Nami. The three sane ones of the pack. (And no matter what anyone says, Koala is NOT sane.) He’s going to buy them the best birthday presents when the time comes.

Instead, Loto says, “I don’t know, thirty million is pretty cool for a start.”

“Don’t encourage him, uncle!”

“I mean, I’ve been wanting to burn down those marine bases too, ever since that time I snatched Arlong back home. Now that I think about it, I never got around to do it. Tell him I said thanks for saving me the trouble.”

“I just said don’t encourage him--”

“By the way, who’s Don Pringles?”

“Krieg. He was such a shithead!” Sanji’s voice takes over, “he put a hole in the Baratie, can you believe? This was when Mihawk almost cut it in half too. Owner Zeff would’ve drilled them a hole in their skulls if Luffy didn’t shuck his shitty ass into the sea.”

“Woah. Then okay, what about this Black Cat guy?”

Usopp takes over, “Khlahadore! His real name was Kuro, you know the butler guy we kicked away from Kaya’s mansion a few years ago WELL HE CAME BACK and then!!”

“He was an asshole!”

“I blew him away!”

“No, Kaya did. She literally screamed him to oblivion.”

“No no, Tamanegi deserves the MVP award here, did you see that beautiful throw? That wrench socked him right in the forehead! I raised him so well.”

Chapter 2: (Chaos) Meanwhile...

Summary:

Loto has a hard time keeping track of what's happening everywhere, because when they call him, they don't explain the situation. They just call to rant and Loto just has to guess.

(He turns his ability to care down to zero and picks up the phone again today.)

Chapter Text

“Hey Mister,” that’s an ominously happy voice coming from Kuina, “there’s this guy here, he’s gonna kill Sabo. Is that okay?”

Loto stares quietly into the sea. He lets out a heavy drag of his pipe, before saying, “no, I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”

“Why did you need a moment? Dad, why did you need a moment?!” came the horrified, very horrified voice of his very dear favourite son. 

“Awh. Too bad,” Kuina says, but she isn’t talking to Loto. “Our dad said no.”

“What the--” that’s not anyone’s voice he knows, “that’s not how this hostage situation works --!!” 

“Anyways, sorry to bother, bye Mister,” Kuina says cheerfully, and then she hangs up. 

Loto stares at the Den Den Mushi for a while longer. 

Then, “...the fuck?”

 

 

“Dad dad dad dad Smokey is being a meany he’s trying to arrest me! He’s so mean!” 

This call is rainy, full of static, and so hasty it sounds like someone snatch a Den Den Mushi to hurriedly chase after each other to tattle. 

“I don’t know Luffy, maybe the fact that you’re a pirate and he’s a marine has to do with it? Just maybe, don’t take my word for it.”

“It has everything to do with it!” came Smoker’s very far-away voice. 

“I mean, I didn’t want to destroy the platform, blame the lightning bolt!” 

“The what .”

“He’s even using the stupid stick thing!” 

Smoker immediately argues that “your fucking dad gave it to me to use against you! Stop complaining! And stay the hell still, it’s hard to fight in this rain!” 

“NO!” 

“The what ,” Loto repeats, halfway out of his chair but there’s no chance of an answer now. “What lightning bolt Luffy. Luffy. ” 

Just then, the other Den Den Mushi rings, and Loto immediately picks it up. 

“Awh, they’re bonding,” Sabo says. “Smokey’s not even using Haki. He keeps denying it but he always goes easy on Luffy when the time counts.”

Loto takes a moment to realize what this means, “get Dragon. On. The. PHONE.”

 

 

“Hi, Mister!” 

This caller sounds like she’s pouting, surrounded with loud machinery noise, screeching profanity, and a loud threat of very specific medical malpractice. Someone else is trying to ‘restrain the captain’ before they ‘accidentally capsize the sub’, or something. 

“Hi, Perona,” Loto says, “I suppose something went wrong over there?”

“Yes,” she’s very annoyed, “Law is being a meany mushroom-head piece of ugly.” 

“That’s very unfortunate,” Loto says, his words partially bloated out by ‘who are you calling ugly, UGLY’ , a very uncharacteristic threat that probably just means the two goths had a spat of creative differences again and they were calling to rant. 

“SHE DYED THE BOILER SUITS PINK,” came the incident in question. 

“They’re not that bad,” Shachi’s voice says. 

“Yes they ARE,” that’s Ikkakku.  

“I’m sorry,” oh Bepo. 

“You’re a child,” Perona argues. “Baby 5 agrees with me.”

“Baby 5 agrees with everything,” came Buffalo, sounding tired.

“She painted BEPO pink,” Law has grabbed the snail now, and they were apparently snatching it between each other to say their point one at a time. 

“And you fixed my Kumasshi! What is a zombie bear without bandages?!” 

“You’re wasting bandages with that stupid thing! It’s filthy!” 

“YOU’RE filthy!” 

“You only get a right to complain about us when you do some of the boiler work for once!” 

“NEVER!” 

Loto set the Den Den Mushi aside, calmly brewing up a cup of tea to listen to the noise. It was nice to hear Law so heated up about something. Perona really brought the childish side right back out of him, and that was nice. 

But oh, by golly, this is not good. It’s only been a month since they started journeying on their own. They might sink and that’s a submarine. 

“How about you two take shifts on whose aesthetic you follow each week?” he suggests right into the middle of their conversation. “Like take votes, or have some bet on who gets to choose?”

All argument pause for all of two seconds before, “first one to the communal room board gets to choose!” Buffalo declares, and the entire submarine devolves into utter mayhem until the Den Den Mushi automatically loses contact. 

Loto sips his tea and frowns. “I’m running out of sugar.” 

 

 

“Hi Mister, on what level of annoyance am I allowed to shoot a Seastone bullet into my former captain? Like, not trying to mutiny, of course.”

“Wear a bunch of them like a knuckleduster. You’ll be able to get a punch in, and that’s more satisfying.”

“Ah, wonderful idea. Thanks, Mister.”

“You’re welcome, Deuce.” 

 

 

“Sir,” oh that’s a rare call, “what the fuck is your son doing in Marine Base G2 and why is he wearing a seaman recruit’s uniform?”

Loto hums, “sorry, Smokes, I have a free-ranged child policy so, I don’t watch my kids much.” 

“I could tell ,” Smoker sounds fucking exhausted, “has anyone ever told him that his tattoo, not the one on the back I’m talking about the one with his name on his arm , is a dead fucking giveaway?” 

“I’m not sure if he knows himself,” Loto admits, “sorry, my child is an idiot.”

“Don’t worry, marines are fucking stupid too,” Smoker grumbles, “I had to sit in front of him in a fucking meeting and somehow no one else noticed I’m going to lose my fucking mind.”

Loto huffs out a short laugh. “Where are you, kid? Wanna get a drink?”

“I’m begging you, no.”

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