Archive of Our Own

His first real memory is of pain. He has no idea what is going on, but he screams, his arms are burning and he wants it to stopstopstopstopsto-

Alex is five the first time he hears about soulmates. He’s sitting with his Oma, looking at old pictures. He’s leaning against her, her arm around his small frame as he watches attentively. Among all of the pictures Alex points at one specific. His Oma laughs, tickling his side which makes him giggle. His grandparents stand close to the camera, both showing one of their forearms. There are black lines curling around their skin.

“This is my soulmark, Liebling”, she says and pushes her sleeve up. The same curling lines on the picture are marking her skin there. Reverently he touches them, but they don’t feel any different than her skin. He knows they’re supposed to be words. He can see an ‘A’ like ‘Alex’.

“What’s a soulmark?”, he asks and his Oma looks down at him. She has that thinking face. Grown-ups use it a lot to hide how much they know. Like when he wanted to keep playing with Kyle Gardner, but his parents told him he didn’t like him anymore, which was very confusing because Alex did like Kyle, but his father had taken Alex by the shoulders and insisted that he, Alex, didn’t like Kyle anymore. He didn’t argue further, because his father was looking at him strictly, not accepting any ‘but’s’ even though it was sitting there on the top of his tongue.

His Oma clears her throat and pulls him close to her. “Soulmarks are given by God”, she says. Alex’s eyes widen. “They show you who your perfect partner is.”

Alex grins, pushing up his own sleeves, ignoring his grandmother’s sudden yelp to stop.

He forgot. The inside of both of his forearms is scarred, a mixture of grey and pink flesh marring his skin. Tears are welling up. Alex tries to bite his lips and keep the tears down, because his father says only girls cry and he’s not a girl.

His Oma pulls him close, whispering soft, calming words in German into his hair. She tells him how special he is and that one time he’ll find someone to love, regardless of the scars on his arms.

His mother is cooking in the kitchen, having left Alex on the floor with his favourite picture book. He still can’t read, but he likes making up stories for the pictures. He’s wearing a blue shirt today, covering his forearms. He pushes the sleeves up, rubbing over his skin.

“Mama, where is my soulmark?”, he asks. The plate slips from her fingers and crashes in the washing basin. She turns towards him, her blonde hair in a tight ponytail as she breathes out a “what?”

“Oma told me she and Opa are soulmates. She showed me her soulmark. Where is mine?”

“You don’t have one”, she says, turning back around. “God didn’t want you to have one”. Her words sound so cruel in contrast to his grandmother, who had tucked him against her side.

Tears are welling up again and he sniffs silently as they roll down his cheeks.

Doesn’t God love him. He touches the crucifix around his neck, the one his father told him to pray to every night. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong for God to punish him. He’s always been good. When he got the last chocolate ice-cream, he shared it with Nina, who’d been crying because she doesn’t like vanilla. When Sunny from next door fell, chasing him, he turned right back and cheered her up. When Drew pushed Lionel for wearing glasses he defended him.

He tries to do the right thing, because that’s what he’s supposed to do. His parents have read him stories from the bible since he was a baby. He’s praying and upholding the ten commandments and singing as loud as possible when he’s in church.

Alex never gets to wear sleeveless shirts, no matter how hot it is outside. They need to ‘hide the shame’ his parents tell his grandmother, when she complains for him. Alex presses his back against the wall, pulling his knees against his chest. His parents are ashamed of him. Of course they are, he must be especially naughty if God won’t give him a soulmate. He didn’t even just keep his forearms bare, no, He marked him with scars, so everyone would know what Alex was. Undeserving of love, because love is only found in your one true soulmate according to Pastor Simmons.

(He still hopes Oma’s words are true, but Pastor Simmons works at the church. He must be closer to God, right? He knows this stuff.)

So there won’t ever be anyone out there to love him as completely as a soulmate could.

Alex’s eyes are burning with tears that he refuses to let fall. He feels ashamed, he presses his nails into the scar tissue and it burns. Small pulses jolt through his arms and he gasps, pulling his hand away.

He swallows and waits. His Oma is not allowed to go to the playground with him later, but he still goes to her house for a sleepover where they eat chocolate ice-cream with sprinkles and watch a movie together.

When he’s eleven his parents tell him he won’t go to Middle School with his friends. Instead, he’s going to start school at Chapel St. Jude, which is a school for ‘special children’. As he finds out, none of his classmates have soulmates. He sees a grey-pink scar on his room mate’s left forearm and he bites his tongue.

The beds are hard and the blankets are scratchy, but Alex is doing okay. Here at least his mother cannot look at him with that disapproving glint in her eye, like it’s his fault he doesn’t have a soulmate. He doesn’t have to pray until his knees hurt under the watchful gaze of his father.

Sister Tattiana is strict. She looks quite young, but there are constant wrinkles around her mouth. She expects nothing but perfection from her students. Alex isn’t lazy by any means, but he feels exhausted by her sheer presence. He’s doing well in school, so at least she isn’t on his case constantly.

The day starts with morning prayer and then a short breakfast, school and afternoon activities which consist of working in the garden, joining the church’s choir, doing charity work etc. Alex loves music, so he decides to join the choir. He never got much exposure to music. His mother never had the radio on. His Oma’s records were the only way to hear anything but songs praising the lord. When Alex’s in town he likes to walk into the music store and flip through the albums and singles. He’s listening to the music there under the guise of being a paying customer. He never buys anything, mostly because he has no money, but also because every other influence is forbidden. Plus, even if he had records or cassettes, there is no way to play them.

Sister Tattiana calls the music scene ‘a sinful seduction to their already endangered souls’. Alex understands that the church wants to protect them, but he really wants to have just a taste. In bed he tries to memorise the songs he’s heard at the music store and drums his fingers on the mattress, humming along after Jake, his room mate, is asleep.

They talk about soulmates once, when they’re fourteen. They all have to stretch out their naked forearms, revealing any kind of scars. Sister Tattiana looks at them, shaking her head.

“You are in the right place. In here, we pray for you to return to God’s good graces and if he forgives you, he’ll heal you”. Alex hears a boy a few chairs from his gasp in wonder. Sister Tattiana smiles tightly, but it does not reach her eyes.

“You must never show your forearms to soulmark bearers outside your family and the church. They will judge you harshly”, her eyes turn towards a girl, silently crying as she holds her left forearm. “Others already have made such an unfortunate encounter.”

The girl cries harder, but nobody gets up to calm her down. Alex is the only one with two scars, the edges as harsh and ragged as they ever were. Sister Tattiana takes him aside later, her hands clasping down on his wrists, thumbs digging into the scar tissue, turning the skin paler. His arms throb in pulses.

“You have been judged the harshest among all of us. It will take time for your soul to repent, if you ever achieve such a task. I wonder what your soul must be like”, her grey eyes bore themselves into his, the disgust clear as day, just like his parents. She lets him go and Alex hurries along.

If he cries that night into his pillow, only Jake is there to judge him. Jake and God.

He wakes up the next day with swollen eyes and when he’s praying his mind is blank. Until that last moment, because he can be good. He’s always tried to be good, but maybe he can be better. His soul can be saved, he just has to deserve it and maybe that’s just what he has to keep in mind. Their God is merciful and when he sees how much Alex repents for whatever he did, then he’ll be fine.

It gives him hope.

Alex is behaving well. He gets up in the morning, he prays with the others and keeps his grades up. He signs up for all kinds of charity work, so much that he falls asleep as soon as his body hits the mattress.

It’s his life for a whole year, but it doesn’t matter how much he does, his scars are never changing.

Alex is fourteen and a half when he tidies up the basement and finds an old drum set sitting in a corner. It looks just like it did in the music store. Only there he didn’t dare go any closer.

Carefully he runs the rag over the snare drum, up the hi-hats to the crash cymbal and over the high tom and medium tom. He swoops over the high cymbal and down the floor tom until he reaches the stool. He has no idea what this is doing in a church, but now that it’s in front of him he has to try it out. His foot finds the bass pedal and starts thumping out a steady rhythm. He gathers the drum sticks up from the floor and just moves. It doesn’t sound pretty, but the feeling is awesome.

By now he has long forgotten his task to clean up the basement and is trying out the rhythms he’s tapped into his mattress before.

It’s Sister Naya who finds him and when she does, Alex freezes because for the first time he has had so much fun, he forgot his surroundings. His heart is thudding against his chest, his fingers squeezing around the sticks in his hands.

“Let’s go upstairs before anyone sees”, she says. Alex nods quickly, placing the drum sticks on the stool and hurrying towards the door. He throws one wistful look back towards the instrument, but Sister Naya’s squeeze is around his forearm is edging around painful and brings him back to the here and now. He nods and follows her upstairs. He eats and prays and keeps thinking about the drums in the basement.

When the church and the connecting building are quiet he sneaks down the basement again. This time he has his watch with him. The thumping and drumming comes naturally, moving quicker and slower, changing the rhythm altogether.

Finally he’s able to put the rhythm in his head into actual sounds. He spends hours at a time, banging and hitting the drum set. He feels looser, more relaxed. He didn’t even realise how stiff his whole frame had been.

When it’s half past three he sneaks back into his room. He closes his eyes and falls asleep with a smile.

Alex doesn’t stop doing the charity work, although he cuts down a little, just so he has enough energy for the drum set at night. He understands that the Sisters want to protect them and grant them salvation, but as soon as he’s touched it, he can’t let the drum set go. It’s his little secret. The only secret he has and when he prays in the morning for another night to play, then it’s just between God and him.

When he prays, he asks God to give him a sign if he should stop. He will, he tells himself, if this is what is really expected of him, but night after night he sneaks in and back out without anyone catching or hearing him.

Alex is almost fifteen when all the students are called into the assembly room. Sister Tattiana is standing in the middle. Next to her a boy and a girl, Brian and Sophie, both one year older than him. Brian is only wearing his shorts and Sophie’s sitting in her undergarments.

It’s the day they learn that finding solace in another person is a sin. Doing anything but pursuing a platonic relationnship will bring them closer to hell.

When Sister Tattiana demands of them to watch as they’re both physically punished, Alex lowers his head and closes his eyes. He still hears both of their cries and gasps as they beg for mercy, as they are whipped, promising never to touch each other, or anyone, ever again. Alex wants to cover his ears, but knows that this is not only a lesson for Brian and Sophie but for all of them.

He feels a tap on his shoulder. Sister Naya nods towards Brian and Sophie. Their tear-stricken faces are edged into his brain.

God chose not to give them soulmates and searching for someone on their own is disrespecting their God. He’s always been taught that God is forgiving, he’s read the bible. His life feels more and more narrowed. The beat thrumming through his veins is his only ray of hope.

When he’s banging on the drums that night, it’s to relieve frustration. He’s not sure who he’s angry at. He’s not even really following a rhythm, his only goal is to make noise, to be heard.

“You’re a pretty shitty drummer”, Jake says, sitting on the steps towards the door. Alex stumbles off the stool, falling on the ground. He grunts, trying to right himself.

Jake starts laughing. It’s a happy laugh and while Alex is half sitting, half lying on the floor, the balls of his hand scraped he starts laughing as well. It’s not as loud as Jake’s, little huffs escaping his chest.

Jake grins at him, his bright blue eyes shining with mischief as he asks “can you actually play?”

Alex smiles in response, righting the stool back and starts to play. A steady t hump thump thump on the bass drum, starting to follow a new rhythm in his head. Something with purpose. He’s grinning widely when he stops and Jake clicks his tongue, smiling.

“Not bad, Mercer”, he says and stands up. He walks towards him, his fingers gliding over the crash cymbal. The moonlight illuminates the room barely, but Jake’s pale skin seems to glow and black strands slip off from behind his ear, falling into his face.

Alex has the urge to kiss him.

He bites down on his lip, casting his eyes down, because what was that? This is not what he’s supposed to be feeling. If kissing a girl was bad, kissing a boy must be his downfall. His gaze slides down to his left forearm and he wonders faintly if this is the reason why he has them. Has God punished him all along, because Alex wouldn’t be happy with a wife? He’d been fine with the thought to never marry a woman, this possibility honestly never occurred to him. Until now.

“You know, if you’re interested in music, I do have a walkman. Maybe you want to listen to some music together?”, the smile on Jake’s lips is faint but Alex’s heart beats louder.

“Yes”, gasps hurriedly, making Jake laugh with his eagerness. He grabs Alex’s hand and pulls him up with him. They sneak back into their room and lie down on Jake’s bed, the walkman and the headphones between them, each pressing one ear against it.

He gets to know Neil Young, Aerosmith and Nirvana. He listens to Iggy Pop and Elvis and Depeche Mode and Pearl Jam. He drums the beat with his fingers into the mattress, already planning to repeat as much as possible the next day.

Talking to Jake feels much more intimate now. They both have a passion in music, humming under their breath. It’s exciting. Jake’ll show Alex a song and he’ll later recreate it with his drums while Jake sings. He doesn’t have a musical bone in his body, but he loves singing, loves music and Alex is happy to indulge him.

They sneak into the basement together, the possibility of getting caught should scare Alex, but it just makes it more exciting. His blood is thrumming in his veins when they press against each other behind a wall. They’re so close sometimes, all he smells is Jake.

When he touches himself the first time he imagines Jack’s hand rubbing him and how it would feel like to press his lips against Jake’s. The thought that this is what’s wrong with him sits heavily in his stomach, but at the same time it feels good.

The dichotomy of it is swirling in his stomach, keeping him awake for hours.

Alex is sixteen and the sneaking around has been going on for months now. They have become bolder, leaving their room too early, almost bumping into a Sister and leave too late. Sometimes Alex even falls asleep during prayer. That’s when the twist in his gut is sharpest. He doesn’t want to disrespect his God, but he also wants to follow his passion. It feels like he’s pulled into two directions and he wants to follow both of them. Ultimately he needs to decide what way to go, but he fears not all of himself will make it there.

Alex is doing charity work down in the city, giving out sandwiches and apples to the people in need, when Jake crashes into him. He tugs at his uniform until Alex relents and follows him. Jake makes a turn into a narrow alley and finally comes to a stand. There’s a big banner hung across the street.

Music Festival.

Alex gapes.

A few street artists stand on the sides, playing guitar and singing while handing out flyers. Jake shoves him further down, a young woman with purple hair and a nose ring is belting out a song he’s never heard but she’s killing it.

“This is it. We have to go there”, he squeezes his shoulder and Alex agrees. They have to be there.

She grins at them quickly when she catches them watching and hands them each a flyer. It’s next week and the entry is only a dollar, which they will donate to the local school to help to expand music lessons for kids after school.

“It sounds like charity”, Alex says and the singer can’t contain a snort, which she covers up beautifully. Jake grins brightly, taking Alex’s hand and walking back.

The next week is hell. Not literally, but close enough. Alex can’t concentrate, he’s giddy and the night before the music festival he can’t fall asleep. When he looks over at Jake he sees the same wide grin stretched into his cheeks. The same giddy expression and Alex knows he’s not alone.

In the morning they get up like everyday, pray and eat breakfast. The charity work is laid out for him and Alex packs his bag with blankets and donated sweatshirts. The flyer is safely pushed inside a sweater. They take off as soon as possible, walking down the winding path that leads down to the town.

Jake hums his new favourite song under his breath and grins at Alex, who supplies him with a beat by hitting his leg and his chest. Once they reach their destination Alex and Jake gift the blankets and sweaters to the first people that come around. They’re still close to the food kitchen so it doesn’t make much of a difference whether they wait or not. Alex slips the flyer out of the sweatshirt before he gives it to an older woman who thanks him enthusiastically and Alex bites his lip.

For a moment he forgot why he loves the charity work, too caught up in the moment. But then Jake takes his hand, intertwines their fingers and pulls him along the street.

They can hear the first band getting ready to start their song. The amplifiers screech an ugly tone and then the first band really starts. It’s rock, that much Alex knows. His fingers are shaking the closer they get to the entrance. A burly man with a thick moustache and sunglasses raises an eyebrow behind his dark shades as he sees them, bright and grinning. For a moment he stares, eyes caught on their school emblem, then he shrugs and asks for their money and then presses a stamp on the back of their hands.

They leave their empty backpacks in a corner before they really delve into the crowd.

Jake grins at him mischievously. “Shall we?”, he tugs Alex further into the crowd.

“Yeah”, he whispers, but it’s enough for Jake, who tugs him along. Alex’s hands are sweaty, but Jake doesn’t complain.

The people around him look completely different, dyed hair, high ponytail, nose ring, lip ring, eyebrow ring, clear skin, tattooed body, leather, flannel … there’s everything. Alex and Jake still stand out. They’re wearing their church garbs, which brings them more than one amused look, but Alex doesn’t care. They’re swallowed by the crowd, pulled inside and vibrating just with the rest of them. People are singing and playing music, trying out harmonies together and Alex has the urge to dance.

“The devil’s work”, Sister Marge said about the festival when a girl had talked about it during school hours, but Alex doesn’t see it. Everyone is laughing and playing music and singing. They’re not doing anything wrong.

“In case we lose sight of each other, let’s meet up back here in two hours”, Jake says, pointing at the side of the stage. Alex nods, he actually is getting a little nervous. He breathes in deeply to calm himself down. Jake grasps his wrist and pulls him into the crowd once again. People are dancing to music played at separate booths. He can smell grilled meats and french fries.

They wander down a few booths, watching people sing, never really stopping. Alex wants to soak everything up, all the impressions. He’s drumming fingers against his thigh when he hears rhythms he especially likes. He’s about to turn around to Jake and ask him something, when he hears a voice raise above the general noise. It’s just for a moment and it’s almost immediately swallowed again, but Alex stops right in his tracks. He doesn’t even realise that Jake’s hand has slipped from his own. That voice sounded so raw and heavy with emotions, Alex tries to gently push his way through the crowd.

He can breath more freely, when he’s out of the main crowd closer to the stage. There are more booths set up in a somewhat oval circle. Bands mostly, checking their instruments and singing to each other or simply talking amongst another. The first band he comes across throws him a look and start laughing. Alex hugs his torso, trying and failing to hide his church uniform. He hurries along, hoping desperately that it wasn’t them who he heard singing. The next band is singing low among each other, they nod towards him when they see him watching and Alex smiles.

His head whips up, when he hears someone play a few notes and sing towards his band mates. That’s the voice. Alex reins himself in not to look like a creep and walks evenly along the booths, stopping here and there, but his main attention lies on the three boys, around his own age, playing and talking.

He’s almost with them, when the singing stops and the boy who was singing plops down onto a chair. He’s wearing a sleeveless shirt and a beanie, brown hair spilling out from under it. “Dan is probably high again”, he says, still plucking on his guitar. “This is serious. We can’t play gigs, if our drummer never shows”.

“Or is too high to play the drums if he does show up”, another one grumbles.

“We had to cancel the last two”, the third boy, this one wearing a leather jacket, admits, sitting on an amplifier.

“I know, but that’s also why we’re here right? Maybe someone wants to join our band, if we play-” the second boy starts.

“We can’t play without a drummer”, beanie interrupts, shaking his head. He gets up abruptly and turns around, eyes locking with Alex. “What?”, he barks.

Oh, Alex realises, he’s been staring. He feels his face heating up.

“Sorry, I’m just- uh- … I heard someone sing and it sounded really good and- uh”.

Leather jacket jumps up, grinning. “Don’t mind Luke, he’s just pissed”, he says. The boy wearing the beanie, Luke, snorts and turns around again.

“I’m Reggie by the way”.

“I didn’t mean to intrude”, Alex says, trying to salvage the situation. His gaze flickers to Luke, who’s strumming on his guitar, attention somewhere else.

Reggie shakes his head. “It’s not you. Our drummer is bailing on us. Again. You know how hard it is to play gigs without a drummer?”

“Hard?”, Alex tries, earning a smile from Reggie. He’s open, grinning at Alex, even though they have just met.

“Really hard”, Reggie confirms. Alex nods, pressing his lips together. Reggie’s warmly inviting, but Luke’s still fiddling with his guitar and the last guy just nods at him.

“You like music?”, the third one asks, leaning forward slightly. His guitar is placed over his lap, which he holds in place carefully.

“I do”, he confirms. “But we’re not allowed to anything that could ‘seduce us to the devil’”, he says, making quotes with his hands and pointing to his school uniform, the emblem of the church sticking out. Reggie looks at him, eyes wide, turning back to Luke.

“Is that true?”, he asks, to which Luke rolls his eyes fondly.

“Of course, why else do you think we’re this good rocking out?”

“Ha ha”, Reggie says dryly and turns back towards Alex. “So, have you, like listened to real music then?”

“Real music?”, Alex asks, raising an eyebrow. Reggie turns back to Luke and their third band member, just looking at them, which makes Luke simply shrug.

“I mean, you know, church singing is just really boring. I fell asleep three times when my parents made me go to the local church”, Reggie admits. He’s smiling at Alex and when he looks up to Luke, there’s a twinkle in his eye.

“I am in the church choir”, Alex says, which makes Reggie flush and stutter. He’s adorable like that. “I do like real music, which is why I’m here. The choir isn’t really that exciting”, he finally admits, when he thinks he’s tortured Reggie enough. The boy throws him a relieved smile and he thinks he can hear the third band member cackle into his hand.

“I didn’t think the St. Jude’s were allowed here”, Luke says, his voice carrying a slightly mocking tone. When he looks into his eyes, they’re shining with mischief which kind of just fits.

“We’re not.”

“A rebel, awesome”, Reggie grins and Luke hums at nothing in particular. “So, um, hey, do you want us to play for you?”, Reggie asks then. “We would be warming up and we can rock you to the end of your church life”, he’s grinning brightly, swooping his bass from where it leaned against the amplifier.

This time Alex laughs quietly. “Sure”.

Reggie guides Alex back towards the drum set, and pressing against his chest. He lets himself fall onto the stool, the feeling familiar. He gathers up the drum sticks where they lie on the snare drum. “Here, so you’re not in the way when we rock out”. Reggie shuffles back and rights the bass.

“Ready?”, Luke asks. The other two boys nod and then they start playing.

As soon as they start, they’re in a different world, consumed by the music and the rhythm and the lyrics. They’re cheering each other on, grinning bright and giving their all, even if it’s just for one church boy they met not even ten minutes ago. Words are failing Alex as he watches them. They’re so good. Alex can’t stop himself from grinning. They compliment each other fully.

Alex is right, Luke’s voice does sound amazing. What gets him even more, is when Reggie joins him, their foreheads pressing together as they sing the lyrics in sync with each other. His fingers start tapping against his thigh, already anticipating and imagining the best rhythm to compliment them.

They all stare at him bright eyed when they stop.

“You are amazing”, is all Alex can breathe out. Reggie whoops and the third member and Luke fist bump. “Did you write this song?”

“Yeah”, Luke says, still grinning. He pulls a chair closer and lets himself fall onto it, leaning against the back.

“Awesome. It’s really- uh, I loved the lyrics and the rhythm and the melody. I- especially I liked um”, Alex looks down at the drum set. He has the rhythm in his head, he just can’t explain the spot. He rolls the drumsticks experimentally in his hand and hits the bass pedal. The one thing Alex has taught himself was listen and repeat. So that’s what he does. “This part”, he mumbles and repeats the rhythm as accurately as possible, closing his eyes as he hits the drums.

He opens his eyes again and smiles at the boys, who are collectively staring at him. Luke’s eyebrows are pinched together and Alex flushes. It was not his intention to make them angry, all he wanted was to connect to people with music and Luke, Reggie and their band mate, he really needs to get his name, just made it so easy. “Um, sorry”, he hurries out, tripping over his own tongue and scurries to his feet. Luke shakes his head.

“No, that was. That was actually really good. For y’know. Your first time on the drums.”

“Oh”, he says. “No, I mean, at night I sneak downstairs to use the drum set hidden in the basement.”

The last boy shakes his head, a laugh escaping his mouth. He turns his head to Reggie, who’s grinning brightly.

“You’re full of surprises, huh church boy”.

“That’s not my name”, Alex argues, but Luke waves him off.

“Do you think you can learn to play the drums for this song in the next hour?” The other boys nod their consent and Alex looks down. He didn’t come here to play, but- when he looks in the expectant faces of the three musicians he can’t not agree.

“Let’s try.”

For the next hour Alex sits with Reggie, Luke and Bobby, the last member who finally introduces himself, and practices. His arms hurt, but it’s a good hurt. Luke stops him again and again, tuning something on the beat, talking to him about the rhythm until it just makes sense. It’s different than playing for himself, it’s harder but also so much better. It’s not just repeating a rhythm but working with the others, blending their own instruments to create something. He’s giddy, playing alongside the band. His heart skips a beat each time Reggie or Luke grin at him openly. They tell him how amazing he is and Alex ducks his head, but inside he glows.

“This is amazing”, Luke crows and even Bobby pats his shoulder companionable. “Do you think you can perform this well on stage?”

It might be the adrenalin talking when Alex gasps out a “yes”. Reggie whoops.

“All right, but before we go-”, he trails of, pulling on Alex’s church shirt. “This needs to come off. Wait, um, here”, Luke rummages in a backpack until he makes a confirming sound and pulls a black hoodie out. He gives it to Alex. It’s decorated on the front with a white logo and print.

“Sunset Curve?”

“Tell your friends”, Reggie says, winking. Alex flushes and ducks his head.

“I don’t think they would dare listen to your music”, Alex comments, making Reggie chuckle. He pulls the shirt over his head.

“Doesn’t matter. Now it’s time to rock”.

Being on stage with Sunset Curve is an adrenaline rush he’s never known before. It’s just one song they’re playing but it’s fun. Reggie keeps on turning back to him, rocking with him, really making him feel like he’s part of the band. Luke throws him one of his smiles every time he can, curving the one corner of his lip up while he’s singing and Bobby turns towards him during one of his riffs.

He’s buzzing with all of it, laughing when they bow and the applause washes over him.

He’s never felt this alive. He’s laughing when he’s getting off stage, Luke squeezes his upper arm. “You were amazing”, he says.

Alex ducks his head. “I messed up the-”

“You’ve known the song for an hour. You were amazing”, Reggie argues immediately. Bobby nods and Luke grins.

“Thanks”, he breathes. “So were you guys.”

“Alex!”, his head whips up. Jake pushes through a few people. “We have to go. Right now. You were amazing by the way”, Jake grips his arm, pulling him with him.

“Wait, what?”, he thinks that’s Reggie, but his attention is solely on Jake.

“We need to get back. Now! Come on” There’s no arguing with Jake and so Alex turns back one more time.

“Your sweatshirt.”

“Keep it”, Reggie shouts over the noise. Alex pulls the hoodie off when they’re back to the corner near the entrance where they’ve stashed away their backpacks and pushes it inside. Apparently one of their classmates has seen them enter the music festival. Jeanine, a friend of Jake’s warned him. When they get back, out of breath and buzzing, the ink still present on the back of their hands, they get caught.

Of course they get caught. He and Jake both have to pray during dinner and then even longer until their knees hurt. Alex’s head is definitely not focused on praying. All he does is repeat the performance in his head, ask for forgiveness half-heartedly and prays that he’ll get the chance to see them again. To play alongside the boys again. Sunset Curve. The hoodie is still stashed in his backpack and his stomach sinks every time someone gets too close to it. As soon as they’re allowed to get up, Alex scrambles for his backpack and walks back to their room.

They go to bed without dinner that night. They’re both too buzzed. Jake tells him that he met a nice band who would let him try out a guitar and once that didn’t work out they let him use wrist bells which apparently he rocked. Alex tells him how he stumbled upon Sunset Curve and he thinks he imagines it when Jake sighs that he was amazing.

In the morning they are awoken much earlier than the others to once again pray in the chapel alone. Later they have to carry the huge stacks of flour from the hut near to the kitchen and when they’re done with that they have to continue right to chop wood. There’s not much time to think about music or the band, because his muscles are crying out to him by the end of the day and when they’re excused Alex falls right into bed.

He pulls the Sunset Curve sweatshirt out of his backpack and pushes it under his pillow. It feels special, a reminder of what he did. Of what he is capable of and of how much fun he can have.

For the first time it felt like being part of something else that is not church. Church is all his future used to be. His inevitable future he cannot escape from, the only place he will ever get accepted in.

But he doesn’t want that. He wants to do something with music. Just thinking about it makes his blood rush in his body and his hair stand up. The way Reggie and Luke and Bobby and he fit together… It makes him long for that one glorious moment he stood on stage.

Alex can’t quite concentrate on school. His whole day consists of learning, talking, praying and singing. Singing in the choir doesn’t satisfy him at all. It’s like he’s had a taste of the forbidden fruit and now he can’t stop craving it.

It’s not just the music. It’s Luke and Reggie and Bobby as well. They’ve left an impression on him. Sneaking out during the day is impossible. They are being monitored at all times now. Charity work is off limits for the foreseeable future and instead he has garden duty, digging his fingernails into the dirt to pull out the roots of the weeds for hours.

The school, the church feels more like a prison than it did ever before. Before he had some kind of ability to move around and do some things he likes, now it’s just work and repent until ‘the devil’s music leaves his soul’. He hates it. This cannot be his whole future.

He’s standing in the front with the rest of the choir. Jake’s sitting next to the others, clearly visible, throwing him a small smile. Alex echoes it. The church isn’t really full. It never is, which is probably why he stops when he lets his eyes slide over the church goers. The leather jacket is completely out of place and in it is Reggie. Next to him Luke, pressed against the leather and throwing a distasteful look around him.

But Alex can’t focus, because they’re both here. When Reggie catches his gaze he presses his elbow into Luke’s side which makes him turn towards him. Reggie whispers something and Luke’s gaze whips towards the choir until he sees him as well. Reggie lifts a hand to do a small wave and Luke grins brightly at him and Alex grows warm. He can’t stop the smile drawing itself on his face.

He can’t concentrate during the performance, because Luke and Reggie are watching him. Alex moves his lips on autopilot while his thoughts are going off. The boys went out of their way to see him and that even though neither of them seems to be thrilled to be in church.

Once the last tone has rung, the choir walks back to their places. Alex can feel their eyes on the back of his head, but he doesn’t dare turn around. He can’t let anybody know that he knows Luke and Reggie, that they’re the boys he met at music festival. Only as long as nobody becomes suspicious he’ll be able to properly talk to them.

The service drags on. It feels too long and Alex wants to jump out of his skin. He whispers the prayers under his breath and sighs relieved when the priest goes into the Lord’s Prayer. Like always they gather outside to talk to the church community. Alex excuses himself from an older woman telling him how wonderful he had sung with a smile and a heartfelt thank you.

“What are you doing here?”, Alex breathes out as a greeting, already out of breath.

“We really wanted to see you”, Reggie says, bumping his fist softly against Alex’s shoulder.

“You did?”, he asks with a high voice and Luke grins.

“Of course man. Like, we met once but damn, you just fit into the band”

“Plus you’re crazy talented”, Reggie adds and Luke nods.

“Not gonna lie, we did hold auditions for a new drummer because we really need to get started but”, Luke shrugs, looking up at Alex’s face “we just couldn’t find the right fit. I think it’s because we’ve already found you. You’re already part of the band and we want you”

“You do?”

“Obviously man, otherwise we wouldn’t be here”, Reggie says, smiling. He looks at him expectantly, which Luke mirrors.

“So?”, Luke asks, stretching the o. He opens his arms slightly. “What do you say?”

What can he say? Alex wants to be part of their band so badly. He’s craving that rhythm, that music, that sense of belonging so much. If he can hide what he really is, maybe he can build a friendship with these boys. He’ll be building a friendship on top of a lie. They don’t know why he is in school at church, they don’t know how … broken he is. How undeserving of their kindness and yet … he craves it. All he wants to say is ‘fuck it’ and rock out and go to church every Sunday.

“I- I want to”, he emphasises the want. “But I can’t. Going to that festival pretty much limited my free time to nothing. I-”, he stops. He’s sure he’s seen someone move. When he turns his head he sees Jake watching. Worse, Sister Tattiana is standing next to him.

“Let’s meet here tonight”, he hurries to say, smiles and then excuses himself just as Sister Tattiana walks over. Luke and Reggie flee in a move that looks not at all calm and collected.

“What did they want?”, Jake whispers, watching the two musicians leave.

“They want me to join their band”, Alex mumbles. Jake’s head jolts up and he’s staring at Alex. He smiles tightly at him.

“That’s awesome, man”, he says, but the way he brings the words out doesn’t sound like he thinks it’s awesome at all.

“They’re gonna catch you”, Jake says hours later, when Alex pulls the Sunset Curve sweater over his head.

“They won’t, don’t worry”. Alex plushes his blanket up and finally squashes his backpack under them as well. “They’ll see you and if they should come in, you can cover for me, right?”

“Right”, Jake says, leaning against the wall. He’s biting his lower lip, his hands playing with his walkman.

“Unless you don’t want me to go?” If he’s being honest, Jake has started acting somewhat subdued since Luke and Reggie showed up. Playing music, being in a band is what he really wants and he thought that Jake would understand.

“No!”, he shouts out, a tad too loud and lowers his voice again immediately. “No, you should go. Talk to them. I’ll be here when you come back.”

Alex smiles and opens the door. He’s not going out the door. Down the hall there’s a window and an old apple tree beneath it. It’s been dead for years now, but nobody has touched it. He’s seen other boys use the path to sneak out. It’s like an open secret only the students know.

Alex opens the window and swings one leg out. It’s not too high, but he might still break something if he falls wrong. He swallows, and searches for the branch to hold on to. He swings his other leg through the window, standing on the small ledge, leaning his weight backwards. His grasp around the branch is brutal and for a moment he’s just standing there, staring in front of him. There’s the big branch he needs to step on to, to make it safely across the gap.

He tries to stop thinking, but his brain is going on for hours. He’s never really been afraid of heights, but the rain and the darkness just add a new layer to his escape route. Alex breathes in deeply and then jumps. It’s short and his foot makes contact with the branch, before he slips, but he’s already on the other side, holding on to the tree with his dear life. Slowly he climbs down. There are small dents, which make grasping for footage much easier. He laughs breathlessly, when he’s down, wiping his hands on his pants.

“Hey Church boy”, Alex turns around. There’s Luke, standing between the trees about a hundred feet from him. He gestures him closer and Alex follows, his heart still beating in his chest, but he’s happy. The boys really decided to show up. Luke grins at him and pats him on the shoulder awkwardly, which makes Alex in turn laugh. Luke guides him into the enclosing forest for about ten to fifteen minutes he guesses until they reach a cabin. He hesitates for a moment, looking at Luke who grins.

“This belongs to Bobby’s parents. They use the cabin when they need a break from town life, or something. I don’t really get it.

“Okay”, Alex mumbles and follows the guitarist inside. Reggie and Bobby sit in some kind of garden chairs. Both sit up straighter when Alex and Luke enter the cabin. There’s also a small couch pushed against the wall, in the middle there’s a coffee table with a few candles, the only light source. It’s not much warmer than outside, but at least it’s dry.

“Hey, you’re here”, Reggie says, getting up.

“Yeah”, Alex smiles.

Bobby opens his arms wide. “Welcome to la Casa Wilson” he grins and Luke rolls his eyes.

“It’s barely standing”, Alex says, pushing against the wood. Reggie snorts.

“Yeah well, my parents stopped using it since before I was born. We’re lucky it’s still in as good shape as it is”

“We’re lucky this is so close to the church”, Reggie says.

“Not really, they actually built it here, because it is close to the church. Before they had their falling out, they got up here regularly, at least twice a year to meditate and live among nature or something like that”, Bobby explains.

“Falling out with the church?”, Alex inquires. The three boys look at each other and it feels like Alex is missing something.

“Doesn’t matter now. The important thing is, the cabin is here.”

There’s nothing else that Alex can say to this. It really is lucky. The cabin is not really warm, but it keeps them dry and it’s so far away that nobody will simply stumble upon them.

“We were talking. We really want you in the band. I mean, come on, you did have fun, didn’t you?”

He did, Alex really, really did. He nods.

Luke grins. “See and … we can make it work. I just know it. You fit into the band so well, this is a sign. We can, we can practise at night. Granted, for now we won’t be able to play any gigs, but maybe later, when they stop watching you. What do you think?”

“You’re sure this is what you want?”, Alex asks.

“Definitely”, Reggie agrees and Bobby leans forward, nodding.

“Plus, we won’t be kids forever. Once you’re eighteen we can finally get started for real. You’re what, fifteen?”

“Sixteen!”

“Even better. What do you say?”

“Yeah”, the word is out before Alex can even think but Reggie just brightens and jumps him, hugging his torso. Bobby fist bumps the air and he feels Luke’s hand clapping his back.

“It’s decided then. Sunset Curve has its official new member!”

Alex laughs giddily and the warmth from Reggie’s hug spreads through all of his limbs. He hugs the boy back.

“Never thought it would be a church boy”, Bobby comments, grinning.

“It’s Alex”, Alex says, because finally this has to be enough. He feels Reggie freeze, turning his head towards Luke.

“Alex?”

“Short for Alexander, but … never call me that, please”

“Yeah, sure”, Reggie breathes against his chest.

“Are you okay?”, he finally asks, because slowly this is getting uncomfortable. Luke jumps in, grinning, pulling Reggie back and throwing his arm around him.

“Yeah, we’re fine, right?”

“But Luke-”, Reggie shuts up when Luke mouths later to him, squeezing his side gently. Reggie nods.

“Well boys, let’s drink on it!”

When Alex is back in bed that night, he’s feeling fuzzy and happy. He can’t wait for their first band practise.

It’s laughable how easily Alex falls into the band. The boys are amazing. They develop a schedule for Alex to sneak out of the building and meeting up back at the cabin. The boys brought Bobby’s drum set as well as their guitars and bass there during the day.

They start of as just playing, getting to know each others energies, but then they practice in earnest. Luke’s a hardass when he wants to be, yearning for perfection as it seems like in nothing but music. At the same time he is unbelievably passionate and energetic, praising Alex and Bobby and Reggie so much. So it doesn’t matter when Luke wants to repeat the same song ten times in a row, because there’s something bugging him about the song.

Reggie’s always there to light the mood or to make him feel better even if he didn’t know that he needed it. He’s easy to talk to and fun to tease. He also has a killer voice, it’s not just Luke. Sometimes Reggie would sing and make up a melody and Alex would find a rhythm with the drums or his hands on his knees. Every time Reggie would smile at him, his eyes lighting up.

Bobby exudes calmness. He’s brilliant at the guitar, bringing Luke back to the realm of reality when his passion carries him off. He’s also the one reminding them to take a break and eat and drink. He doesn’t talk an awful lot, but he’s there and when he says something, it’s usually pretty thought through. Unless he complains about Luke.

Luke and Reggie still meet Alex even if they didn’t plan on playing that night. They just hang with him, sitting on the ratty old couch the boys squeezed into the cabin.

“This is surprisingly comfortable”, Alex says, when he sits on the couch. The leather is smooth and well worn, but soft.

“Everything must be comfortable for you”, Luke shrugs, handing both Alex and Reggie a bottle each. To Alex’s quizzical look he adds, “y’know, ‘cause I imagine your bed must be rock hard. You’re basically a monk.”

Alex flushes, because he is definitely not a monk. “Monks take their vows of chastity”, Alex comments offhandedly but flashing Luke a smirk. He rasps out a laugh which Reggie mirrors.

“So, you’re getting some?”, he asks. Alex thinks back to their first lesson at the church.

“No. It’s sinful having sexual relations with someone who is not your soulmate”, which is not the only reason, something inside him hisses. But the well practised answer slips out before Alex can even think about it. He looks up when Luke and Reggie stare at him. It’s that same look again. Bobby has it too. Sometimes when he tells them about his life at church they adopt this look on their faces which he can’t quite describe, but it drives him crazy. It’s then that he realises again that he is different. He is thankful at the same time, because these are the moments that stop him from forgetting. He can never be truly himself with them. They would leave, they would see what kind of monster he is, impossible to love because he doesn’t deserve it.

It doesn’t matter that it hurts. Like they’re pitying him. He needs to remember that this is how the world works. He’s simply not as good a person as Reggie or Luke or Bobby.

Reggie steps closer. “Bobby’s with his girlfriend right now”, he says slowly.

“Who is not his soulmate”, Luke continues.

“Oh”, Alex breathes. He remembers their lessons well. Brian and Sophie’s faces forever etched into his brain. Alex wets his lips and frowns, because he doesn’t understand.

“Shouldn’t one wait for their soulmate?”, he asks. He would have thought they learned that in school, just as he did. Luke shrugs.

“They like each other. I think as long as it’s consensual, they’re fine, right?”

Maybe it is all right, he guesses. As long as both know and neither tries to trick the other. Right? Maybe it’s just them. Maybe there are different rules for people with names etched onto their skin. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe they don’t have to be as careful with their souls as Alex and the rest of the students at St. Jude’s have to be.

“Yeah, I guess”, he says. Luke and Reggie smile at each other, relieved and then at Alex. He’s not sure how much of a leg he has to stand on, but it’s annoying that they always seem to stop breathing when they talk about anything concerning the church. As if they expected Alex to go off. As if he were too inexperienced, too innocent to be able to form his own opinion.

He swallows the feeling down. He doesn’t want to argue about it. He may also understand them. There are a lot of people in church that completely devote themselves to the rules. Alex is more … tainted, he guesses.

As his friendship with the band grows, it deteriorates with Jake. Alex asked the band whether he could bring him and the boys immediately agreed. The problem was Jake. He wouldn’t sneak out with him anymore. When Alex talked about the band he would shrink in on himself. They spoke less and never listened to music anymore, no matter how many attempts Alex makes to include him. It’s weird.

He tries to spend more time with Jake during the day, but he keeps on avoiding him. When Alex is gardening, Jake is checking on the youngest children. When Alex is at choir practise, Jake is gardening or cooking. He starts to completely avoid him and- well Alex thought they were friends.

When Alex brings the topic up Jake shrugs.

“I needed to get a break from you”, he says and Alex can’t help but feel rejected. He nods his understanding, but he’s left unsatisfied and when he goes to bed that night and listens to Jake’s breathing pattern, it doesn’t give him comfort like it did the last few years.

It may be petty, but Alex stops trying. If Jake wants to spend more time with him he has to come to him and not the other way around. He’s tired of trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. Even though it still hurts when Jake purposefully sits down next to Evan instead of him during dinner. Alex gets along with the others, they’ve just never clicked like he clicked with Jake. Like he clicked with Luke, Reggie and Bobby.

At least he still has the boys.

He turns seventeen. He doesn’t tell the boys, because he doesn’t want to change a thing in their usual dynamic. He lies next to Luke after practise, his body heat pressed into his. Reggie’s head on Luke’s stomach, fingers threading through his hair and Bobby’s feet on Alex’s lap. He counts the seconds until midnight and just wishes that everything can stay just like this. With all of them together, no matter what they do.

They come to church each Sunday. They never talk much, but it’s the only way to see the boys during the day. Bobby doesn’t come as often ‘Church gives me the creeps’, but he does appear on and off, always smiling at Alex when he sees him. It means a lot that he overcomes his personal reluctance to spend a few minutes with him.

Alex tries to watch them during service. Bobby’s face is usually blank when he doesn’t look at Alex, Reggie looks chastised, pressing his side against Luke and Luke … Luke looks angry. He’s openly hostile when he looks at the priest during their holy words. Alex doesn’t quite understand.

He does understand that the things they are taught are in some points different than what Alex knows, but they need to have some common ground, right?

They usually never talk about church when they meet at the cabin and Alex is kind of glad about it. They play, listen to music, talk and sometimes even drink a little. Never too much, because Alex needs to climb back up the tree in the early morning hours, but it’s exciting. The world is a little more vibrant then and the touches a little hotter and the intensity sharper and more blurry at the same time.

Alex is sleepy throughout the whole day, usually doing tasks that don’t demand too much brain activity.

The weird thing is, he doesn’t feel guilty at all. He knows he should put his heart into the church’s lifestyle, but he doesn’t. His future doesn’t look as bleak anymore. He can do both, he tells himself. He can make music and help, in his own way. He can be faithful to God while doing what really fills his soul. He just needs to survive until he is eighteen.

And if that isn’t enough … then maybe God’s not as merciful as he’s being made as.

He can do it. He can. He can.

They develop their own songs. Sometimes Alex sits with Luke when he’s writing, supplying words when he’s stuck. Luke is amazing, the way he’s spinning words together, putting them to music. Sometimes all Luke does is scribble onto a page, his tongue peeking out and his hair falling into his face and something in Alex tightens.

Reggie’s bringing his homework more often since Alex mentioned he’s pretty good in languages. Reggie looks up at him as if he hung the moon when he explains a grammar rule or helps him translate a sentence. He’ll look at Alex and tell him earnestly how amazing he is and all Alex wants to do is wrap him in his arms.

He also learns that Reggie’s not very good with fights, one time he actually hides behind Alex when Bobby and Luke get into a loud argument. Luke later tells him about his parents and their endless fighting.

He learns of the tension at Luke’s home when he rips out a page from his notebook. Even if he does side with Luke (he has to) he tries to talk to him about his mother. In the end he watches him write one of the most beautiful songs.

Luke promises to try to talk with his parents again.

A few days later he hears from Reggie that, even though things are still tense, Luke has moved back in with his parents. Reggie and Luke’s father apparently did a lot of negotiating, but it worked out. When Luke looks at him, there’s something new tugging at Alex. When Reggie hugs him, he never wants to let them go.

“I booked us a gig”, Reggie announces as soon as Alex steps through the cabin’s door.

“I- you know I can’t meet you guys before 11 and even that is still almost too early”, Alex says, sitting down on the couch next to Luke, who has his guitar on his lap.

“I know, I know, it’s what I just told the guys. It’s a midnight party or whatever. The bands don’t start before eleven. Our slot is around 1 a.m. It’s enough time to play a few songs and get you back safely before anyone wakes up. Bobby has a car, we can bring you back as closely as you want to. What do you say?”

All of the boys stare at him, waiting, expecting. Luke’s grinning bright and even Bobby has that happy little smile on his face. Only then does Alex realise, that it’s nothing they will do. It’s nothing they will make Alex do. They would probably cancel if Alex isn’t in. They chose a slot for him, so he could participate with them. They haven’t had a gig in months, because Alex won’t be able to make it and even now that he might be able to participate without anyone finding out, they’re still waiting for his agreement.

“Yeah, I’m in”, Alex confirms and Luke literally jumps onto him, pressing him into the couch. Reggie and Bobby follow. They’re heavy but warm and Alex can’t stop laughing.

Three songs. They ditch all the songs from before Alex joined.

“It’s not our sound anymore”, Luke shrugs when Alex points it out and that comment alone makes his heart swell. In the end they have Long Weekend, Crooked Teeth and Now or Never, their newest song.

“We’ll ditch it, if it doesn’t sound as it should by Saturday”, Luke says, circling the last song on his notepad. Reggie and Bobby nod. Alex is still too excited, he’s vibrating inside and smiling. They start rehearsing right after, playing until they’re drenched in sweat, until the rhythm is in Alex’s bones. Now or Never still sounds rough at the edges and Luke’s furiously scribbling by the end of practice, mumbling that something’s missing. Something’s not right.

Alex lounges himself against Reggie, his arms buzzing pleasantly. “You’re basically our Leia, giving us all a purpose”, Reggie mumbles, more to himself than Alex, an arm stretched along Alex’s upper arm.

“Who?”, Alex asks, trying to look up at Reggie who gasps dramatically. Luke groans, but smiles adoringly at Reggie while Bobby simply rolls his eyes.

“Tell me you know Star Wars”, Reggie says and his earnest facial expression makes Alex laugh.

“I repeat, who … or what?”

“Also, Alex is Leia?”, Bobby throws in, which, doesn’t help in Alex’s confusion.

“Obviously. Luke’s Luke, I am Han and Bobby’s-”

“Obi-Wan?”, Bobby throws in at the same time as Luke snorts, “if anything you’re Chewie.” Bobby jumps up, taking Luke in a headlock while Reggie basically tells Alex the plot of the first Star Wars film. (The first, because apparently there are three already).

“I am the princess?”, Alex asks hesitantly.

“Um, I mean, for the sake of the story”, Reggie says, flushing slightly.

“Does that also mean, that you’re-”, Bobby doesn’t get any farther because Luke jumps him and Reggie squawks, flushing redder.

“That’s my cue to go”, Alex says as he gets up. The warmth already missing against his side.

“If you have to”, Reggie mumbles and honestly, that is adorable.

“Don’t miss me too much”, he can’t stop but tease and Reggie’s smile turns slightly sad, which is not what he wanted.

“We will”, Luke jumps in, throwing his arm around Reggie’s shoulder and pulling the boy in. For a moment he just stares at the two and then nods and says his goodbyes. He crawls into bed much later than he usually would, but he’s feeling happy and buzzing and just so full.

“You’re cutting it close”, Alex hears Jake’s voice from his bed, slightly muffled.

“I know, but I’m still here on time. Plus nobody but you notices.”

Jake grumbles something and then turns around, his back towards Alex. He sighs and pulls the blanket up to his chin. He dreams of laughter and soft touches and calming voices and-

Alex wakes with a start, rubbing his hands against his eyes because he- he swallows. There’s an aching between his legs and Alex closes his eyes in shame. He can’t destroy this now. He can’t think of Luke and Reggie like that.

He takes a cold shower in the morning to punish himself, refusing to touch his own body. When he’s on his knees in the chapel he prays, prays that the boys stay in his life and prays for himself not to blow it.

It’s bad enough that he’s dreaming of a boy again, it’s worse that it’s two this time and at the same time two that he’s developing a deep friendship with. He won’t risk it by his own mind and body betraying him.

He still thinks of Reggie’s smile and Luke’s grin and Reggie’s lips and Luke’s hands and-

They practise the next few days. Luke and Reggie are as open with their touches as ever. Alex tries to rein his own desire in and to keep more to himself, but he sees the confusion glimmer in Luke’s eyes and a hurt look flash over Reggie’s and he feels worse than he did in the morning. He wants to touch them, easy and simple and innocent touches, but he’s afraid.

His mouth dries when Luke bends over to pick up a bottle of water and he definitely does not see Reggie’s pale stomach, when he throws himself on the couch, his shirt rucking up. (He can’t stop thinking about it.)

He prays longer in the morning, getting up with too little sleep and tired eyes. His body is barely moving and even the ice cold showers don’t help too much in the morning anymore. Father Morris stops him on Friday morning, a kind smile on his lips.

“Are you all right, my boy?”, he asks, guiding Alex to the benches.

“Yeah, just … thinking a lot.”

Father Morris nods, even though Alex doubts he understands.

“You’re the first to pray and the last to get up. In my experience that means that something is troubling you.”

Alex bites his lip, hanging his head. “I- My thoughts are not-”, he must be red from the embarrassment. But he also knows that Father Morris won’t take no for an answer, no matter how kind the man is. “My thoughts are not exactly pure lately and I- I’m praying to- for God to give me strength and maybe to help me make them go away”, he finishes lamely, grimacing at his own words.

Father Morris nods, he lays a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “You’re doing the right thing. I am sure God will provide all the help he can give. He never burdens us with more than we can handle”. The smile is supposed to be kind, but Alex feels-

Empty.

“I know”, he agrees. Father Morris gets up and invites him to join breakfast. Alex eats subdued, an itch under his skin all day. They don’t plan on practising that night because they’ll need all their strength according to Luke. Plus, they sound amazing, even though he’s still not happy with how the song sounds.

“Alex”, there’s a hand on his shoulder and a voice next to his ear. Alex jumps up, staring up at the darkness. Jake’s still sleeping in his bed. It’s Luke who’s standing over him.

“What the-”, he mumbles, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“I finally figured out what the song is missing”, Luke announces, moves erratically as he pulls Alex out of bed. Alex slips his clothes over his pyjamas, his brain still too tired to fully understand what is going on.

When they’re down the tree Alex is finally completely awake again.

“You sneaked into the chapel?”, he hisses, accusing. Luke shrinks slightly, but he’s still too excited.

“I know, I’m sorry, but it’s important!”

“You could’ve been caught!”

“I know, but Alex, we need you. This song only works with you there and- we needed you”, his voice is urging and pleading at the same time and Alex would be lying if he said it didn’t do anything to him.

“Still-”

“Don’t be such a worrywart”, Luke breathes, too close to his face, as he pulls him towards the cabin. Alex follows him, hand warm, heart beating in his throat and he thinks he’ll follow Luke anywhere like this.

Reggie and Bobby are already in the cabin, playing a harmony. Neither look like they planned to be here, half in their pyjamas.

“Like I said, I figured it out”, Luke starts right when they’re through the door. “It’s the bridge, I’ve been concentrating on the wrong thing, here”, Luke basically jumps towards them, showing them the scribbles, like they’re supposed to mean something. Well, they probably do to Luke.

“You have the worst handwriting”, Alex grumbles.

“Hey”, Luke whines.

Bobby snorts. “He’s got a point.”

“Okay, let me explain.” It’s less of an explanation and more sounds and movements and Luke jumping everywhere. In the end Alex gets it.

He and Reggie are supposed to sing.

“You have an amazing voice”, Luke argues. Alex is just about to ask him how he could even know that, but then he remembers the boys showing up on Sunday mornings, listening to Alex sing in the choir.

“This isn’t gonna work.”

“Yes it is, just. Let’s try it, okay? If it feels wrong we’ll go back how the song was before just … I promise you, it’s what we need.”

Alex agrees, because how can he not when Luke looks at him like that, wide eyes, pleading look and- he folds way too easy.

They play the song once, Alex misses the part where he’s supposed to start and something shakes in him.

“It’s all right”, Reggie comforts him, smiling at him reassuringly. The second time Alex’s voice is thin, but he’s singing the lyrics. He’s drowned out by Reggie, who’s giving his all. Doubt sneaks up to him from the back of his head.

“Don’t pressure yourself. We trust you.” It’s Bobby who’s standing next to Alex, squeezing his arm. Luke looks over, his intense look in his eyes he only gets when music is involved.

The third time he’s supposed to sing Luke turns towards him, smiling openly and Alex belts out the lyrics. He can see Reggie jump, grinning and singing with him. It’s a new euphoric rush. When the last note is played they all come together, bodies mingling and limbs pressing and Alex can’t breathe but that’s okay.

“You’re amazing”, Reggie breathes against his ear and Alex shivers, but he feels Luke nod somewhere against his shoulder and Alex just lets out a breathless laugh. He feels so happy.

They rehearse the song a few more times. Luke keeps turning back around towards him, when he’s singing and Alex feels special. This is the opposite of what he prayed for, but it just feels so good.

By the end they share a water bottle, sweating and happy. Luke’s about to push the sweatshirt over his head, when Alex sees it. Reggie’s writing on Luke’s right forearm.

Reginald Peters

His breathing stops and his eyes jump towards Reggie. He has his sleeves pushed up, but he can easily make out Luke’s terrible scrawly handwriting.

Luke Patterson.

It shouldn’t be a surprise, but it still somehow is. It takes a moment before he realises the more important detail. They’re both boys. According to his studies and the teaching of the church same-sex soulmates do not exist and have never exist because God condemns it.

Alex tells himself to stay calm, but he’s freaking out. He excuses himself soon after, telling them he’ll see them later tonight. He basically flees.

He can’t sleep when he’s back in bed. He doesn’t understand anything anymore. How can it be that Reggie’s name is on Luke’s skin. How can it be that Luke’s name is on Reggie’s skin. This shouldn’t exist. It can’t exist, he knows. He’s read everything on the subject, hoping, praying that there is a reason for his thoughts. But there doesn’t seem to be.

So how? How?

He doesn’t find sleep until the morning. At that time he’s closed his eyes for an hour tops, before the morning bell chimes. When he gets up he feels sluggish and weak. No words come to him during prayer but ‘how’? He can’t quite grasp it. God can’t just make one exception, right? Luke and Reggie can’t be the only soulpair. So what is going on? What is-?

If the church is lying- he’s been with the church almost all of his life. He’s been taught that God loves everybody but at the same time he punishes people before they are born. He’s been taught he has to atone for sins he’s never even committed. He thinks of Sophie and Brian and he thinks of the church’s strict rules and the teachings of love and sharing and he’s confused. He doesn’t know what to believe anymore.

Absently he rubs his forearms, the scars itching.

He’s subdued at breakfast and almost falls asleep during school hours. He watches Sister Tattianna, her strict eyes roaming over her students. He looks up and down the rows, all girls and bows leaning over their Latin translations.

Alex can’t focus, the words swimming before his eyes.

He looks for Jake in the room, his shoulders hunched over the text. His body turned towards Evan, fingers squeezing his hand quickly. It’s over too quickly, nobody has seen but Alex.

In the evening he sees Father Morris talking to Lisa, her lips trembling. Is his compassion even real? He doesn’t know. He’s always been so nice. He’s been always there when Alex had a problem. He couldn’t have faked it, right?

He can’t help himself, but he’s started to question everything.

“Do you ever think they’re lying to us?”, Alex asks quietly when he’s sitting on his bed in the evening and Jake’s changing his clothes. Jake freezes, not turning back towards him.

“What makes you think that?” Jake’s still not turning around. For the first time Alex hesitates. A few months ago he would have shared his thoughts immediately, would have told him what he discovered but now he keeps his observations to himself.

“Just – sometimes I’m not sure they’re telling the truth”, Alex finally admits. Jake laughs, hard.

“Nice that you’ve finally caught up”, Jake says, his tone hard and mocking. Alex balls his hands into fists. Jake turns around fully, sighing. “… I – yeah, I know what you mean.”

Jake doesn’t share anything else until they’re both in bed, lights out at least for an hour.

“I like Evan”, he admits quietly, voice soft. “Like, really like him.” Alex can hear him shaking his head.

It’s quiet. “Like a man is supposed to like a woman?”, Alex whispers then and Jake laughs softly. “Yeah, like that.” He never knew Jake had the same problem as him, maybe the same thoughts as he did. Maybe even the same worries as him.

“Does he like you too?”

Jake hums an affirmative.

“I’m happy for you”, Alex mumbles and he means it.

“Thanks.”

When Alex gets up, he hears Jake move. “Have fun”, he says when Alex leaves the room. He grins towards the bed. “I will.”

Alex climbs down the tree as always, hiding along the shadows. This time, instead of making his way towards the forest, he walks the path down towards the town. He sees Bobby’s car just where he promised to wait for him. He slips into the passenger’s seat. Bobby grins at him and starts the car.

“Ready?”, he asks and Alex grins for an answer. “Yeah, let’s rock.”

“Hell yeah”, Bobby shouts and then quiets immediately, turning towards Alex with wide eyes. He can’t do anything else but burst out laughing.

“Hell yeah”, he repeats and Bobby whoops.

It’s half past twelve when they arrive at the venue. Alex’s hands have started sweating and he rubs them nervously at his trousers.

“The boys are back in the room”, Bobby informs him and guides him backstage and towards the room that has ‘Sunset Curve’ scribbled on a slate tablet. Reggie is the first thing Alex sees when Bobby opens the door. Reggie pressing himself against Luke, their lips moving against each other with Luke’s hand tightly curled into Reggie’s hair.

They look hot, a warm feeling spreading through his body and settling in his gut.

It’s an image he’ll never forget Alex prays/dreads. He’s not sure. Bobby clears his throat and the boys jump from each other, eyes wide as they stare at Alex. They all stare at Alex. Reggie reaches for Luke’s hand, his face pale. Nobody says a word, all just staring.

“Good job, guys”, Bobby sighs and Reggie flinches slightly which causes Luke to glare at Bobby.

“Um what?”, Alex asks finally, because everybody seems to wait for something.

“We’re – uh, look, we know what they teach you at the church, at your school and – look we’re-” It’s funny. Luke looks like he’s scared and ready to fight Alex at the same time. He’s pushing Reggie slightly behind him, to protect him. Alex won’t tell Luke he looks as intimidating as an angry cat.

But everybody is still waiting and that’s when it clicks. Oh, they’re still waiting for him to react. Negatively, if Luke’s stance is anything to tell. For the first time Alex realises that not only has Alex been hiding his desires from them as well as his scars, but they’ve been hiding their relationship from him. Not because they’re ashamed of each other, but because they were afraid of what Alex would think.

The knowledge somehow eases something inside of him.

“Together. Yeah I saw”, Alex finishes his sentence. “Hey, I – I … it’s okay. We can still talk about it after the show, if you want, but I still want to be with you … in your band. Be your friend”, he hurries to correct him quickly.

All three of the boys ease up. Bobby slaps him gently on his back and Reggie grins relieved. “Good, because we want to keep you as well.”

Alex raises an eyebrow, but Reggie simply laughs and Luke rolls his eyes fondly. “Ignore him”, he says and then reaches out for Alex to squeeze his shoulder.

“You sure?”, the guitarist makes sure.

“Yeah.”, Alex breathes.

They all move towards Alex and wrap their arms around him, pulling him towards them. Alex closes his eyes, hears them breathing and relaxes.

“Oh, I forgot”, Reggie’s the first to let go of the three of them, turning towards the wardrobe and pulling out a plastic bag.

“You can’t go on stage in these”, with that Reggie gestures towards his clothes. Alex looks down, the church’s crest is easily recognizable and his trousers also don’t really look like he’s about to rock out. More like he’s about to go play scrabble with the elderly.

“Okay”, he allows. “What did you have in mind?”

“Glad you asked”, Reggie grins and throws him the bag. “Catch.”

Alex does. He opens the bag and pulls out several t-shirts and three pairs of pants. “We had to guess your size. Choose your pants first and we’ll go from there. You can change in here, we – we’ll turn around”, Luke pulls the other boys to him and turns his back to Alex.

Alex looks down at the pieces of clothing and chooses a black pair first. He shimmies out of his church trousers and then pulls the new pair on. It’s a little too tight and he immediately pulls it off again. He grabs the next ones, which sit looser around his body. He likes the form and black does go with everything, right?

“I’m done”, he informs the boys. They all turn around, giving him thumbs up.

“Good, now the shirt. Reggie falls onto the couch, spreading the t-shirts out on the coffee table. They’re all different colours, green, dark blue, baby blue, pink, red, black and yellow. Alex touches all of these, the fabric is nice. His hands glide over the shirts in contemplation. His fingers halt over the pink one for a short moment and then glide further until he grabs the baby blue shirt.

“Good choice”, Reggie compliments, although Alex thinks that it really didn’t matter which shirt he’d have chosen.

He opens the buttons on his church shirt and slips it off his shoulders. He’s reaching for the t-shirt when Reggie grabs his wrist, staring at his forearms.

Alex winces, pulling his arms back forcefully. Reggie looks at him wide-eyed and even Luke is pale, looking like something knocked the wind out of his sails. Nobody is saying a word, just staring and the noise in Alex’s head grows so much louder.

He hears Bobby gasp for air and that seems to be what he needs to get back into motion.

Hastily he pulls the shirt back on, his fingers fumbling on the small buttons. His head is buzzing. Sister Tattiana’s words pressing against his skull. His fingers are clumsy when he gets up, trying to shove past Luke and Reggie.

He should have been more vigilant, but the whole atmosphere had taken him in so far, he forgot. He forgot the most important rule and now all he can do is leave, because now they know what he is. Maybe the church had been lying, but they said the truth about them. Now the band know how much he belongs to the church, they know now that his soul is barely worth saving.

The thought of being able to leave the church had been such a nice dream.

“What did they do to you”, Luke whispers, a warm hand on his wrist that refuses to let go. Alex stops in his tracks, blinking the tears away because this is not what he expected to hear. Carefully Luke rolls his sleeves up, fingers brushing softly against his scars.

“What?”

“What did they do to you?” And now Luke looks angry. Alex flinches, before he realises that he’s not angry at him.

“I’ve had them my whole life”, he argues softly, confused.

Luke shakes his head. “No, look, you. You’re-”

“Luke?”, Reggis pulls on his sleeve, looking uncharacteristically vulnerable. They just look at each other, fingers touching at the tips. Reggie’s eyes are wide, body turned towards him. The crease between Luke’s brows softens. Alex turns his head. The moment looks too intimate. He feels like he’s intruding. It’s so much different than the kiss he witnessed earlier.

A long beeping sound interrupts them.

“This is one hell of a night”, Bobby murmurs, his head in his hands. When he looks up again, he too looks pale.

“We’re on in five minutes”, Luke mumbles, but there’s no real passion behind it.

It’s Bobby who presses the t-shirt back into Alex’s arms. “I have a denim jacket if you’re not comfortable without sleeves”, he says. Alex nods. When he pulls off his church shirt this time he’s oddly aware of the boys staring. His fingers fumble when he slips the t-shirt on. Bobby offers him the denim jacket without a word and Alex pushes his arms through the sleeves hurriedly.

He can hear himself breathing hard and loud in the small room.

“Can I – Alex can I hug you?”, Reggie asks and he’s so timid, not daring to touch him. Alex nods and Reggie throws himself against him, pressing his face against his neck. Tears gather in his eyes and he feels them slip down, rolling off his cheeks. He’s shaking, but Reggie’s pressing himself closer. Something gives inside of him, because, they’re not running. They don’t tell him to go.

He thinks of the girl crying the first night they talked about soulmates.

“Alex”, Luke mumbles and hesitantly squeezes his hand, watching Alex’s face. He smiles tightly at Luke.

This time it’s a knock that interrupts them.

“Sunset Curve? You’re on!”

Alex lets go, rubbing the denim over his cheeks. “Let’s go, talk later”, he says. His head is swimming, but he’s not afraid anymore. The boys won’t leave him, he’s sure of that now.

“Yeah”, Bobby agrees and Luke and Reggie echo the word.

They exit the room, and walk on stage together. There’s already applause and the lights are bright. He can’t see the crowd, but he sees Luke, Reggie and Bobby and that is enough. He sits down on his drum stool, twirling the drumsticks.

Reggie throws him a smile and Luke nods.

Alex breathes in deeply and then he counts to three.

Once they start playing, Alex gets sucked into the rhythm. It’s muscle memory, it’s a special feeling, playing with them together. It feels freeing. They know about him and they still want to be friends. They still accept him. He loosens up and when Reggie jumps onto the plateau where his drums stand he’s all in. Laughing and playing off of his bandmates. They move together, play together, guided by the music.

They’re one.

Now or Never works just as well as they did the night before. Luke glows when he plays the last chord and lets the sound ring out. The applause erupts almost immediately and Alex can’t help but grin. He bows with the others.

“We’re Sunset Curve, tell your friends”, Reggie says into the microphone just before they leave the stage. Luke’s excited, jumping up and down, squeezing their shoulders.

“This was amazing. This was – this was it. This was us, did you feel that? Our music was – we were - “, Luke shakes his head and starts laughing. Reggie chimes in and so do Bobby and Alex. He’s breathless and happy and he feels like he’s floating in the best possible sense.

“Yeah”, Alex agrees, he’s between Luke and Reggie. Luke’s hand is still on his upper arm and Reggie’s hand is between his shoulder blades, snaking up to squeeze his neck. They sit down at the bar, four beer bottles already served.

“To us”, Bobby toasts.

“To music”, Luke crows.

They clink the bottles and drink.

The next band steps onto the stage, testing the instruments before they start playing. Alex is still buzzing, a little from the beer but mainly from their performance. “Come on”, Luke mouths, setting the empty bottle down, and pulls him towards the crowd of the people. Bobby waves at them, staying put at the bar, a girl pressing her arm against his.

Reggie follows them, already moving to the sound of the beat. It takes Alex a moment, encouraged from the beer and both boys, before he starts moving to the sound. The band’s good and the three of them move around, always touching, always close. Alex is sweating, but he’s warm and he feels amazing.

He never wants this to end. He memorises Luke’s red lips and Reggie’s red spots on his cheeks. He memorises the curl of Luke’s nose and the glint in Reggie’s eyes. He memorises Reggie’s swaying, the press of his hand against Alex’s and Luke’s smooth movements, the soft touches of his hand running down his upper arm.

They’re both so fucking beautiful.

They’re soulmates.

The thought halts Alex’s movements. He’s not even sure what he’s doing. He shouldn’t. He stops, trying to pull himself away from the boys, but they hold on to him, their facial expressions changing into concern.

“Alex?”, Reggie shouts against the music.

He shakes his head because he needs to sit down, needs to talk to them because he doesn’t know what this is. Reggie nods, like he knows and guides him out of the crowd, never letting go of his hand. Alex feels Luke move behind him, never letting too much space between them.

Alex feels like he can breathe again when they’re outside, the cool air a stark contrast against his hot skin. He shivers.

“You’re okay?”, Luke asks and his voice is so much softer now, it’s still somewhat ringing in his ears.

“Better now”, Alex mumbles and Luke smiles encouragingly.

“Good.”

They’re quiet for a moment, just leaning against the wall, holding each other. Alex swallows, because this is nice, but at the same time he’s just so confused because what is this? What are they doing?

“You’re soulmates”, is what Alex finally chooses to say. Luke and Reggie look at each other, he can sense it more than actually see.

“We are”, Luke confirms what he already knows.

“I saw your tattoo yesterday”, he admits. “I didn’t know you guys existed – I mean – I mean same-sex soulmates. I was told they don’t exist”, he admits in a small voice. Luke takes a deep breath, the grip around his hand grows harder, edging slightly on painful, fingernails digging into his skin.

“Of course we do”, Reggie mumbles, his hand the complete contrast to Luke, drawing soft circles around the back of his hand.

“I didn’t know”, he says lamely and for the second time this night feels tears gathering in his eyes. “I thought feeling like I do, I thought God punished me because -”, he doesn’t end the sentence. He doesn’t have to. Luke and Reggie are on him in a second, back to wrapping their bodies around him.

“It’s not wrong”, Reggie whispers into his ear and Alex nods, without really knowing why.

“You’re gay?”, Luke asks, somewhere against his neck. His breath tickles.

For the first time he feels like he’s really showing who he is, “I think so.”

“That’s cool. That’s completely fine”, Luke sounds so convinced, there’s not a shred of doubt in his voice and Alex is just not sure how he can be. How can he be so positive.

“Is it?”

“Of course it is. We wouldn’t be all over you if it weren’t. Plus we kinda hoped you were”, Reggie admits. “Ow!”

Alex steps out of the hug, trying to look at their faces. Reggie’s ducking his head, smiling slightly. Luke inhales and exhales deeply.

“We hoped you were, because you feel like you belong with us”, Luke says slowly, like he’s choosing the words carefully. Maybe he is. He’s looking at him eyes earnest as he stares at him, interlacing their fingers. Alex’s breath catches in his throat.

“But you’re soulmates”, he argues weakly. Luke smiles, nodding.

“We are, but we like you too. We’ve liked you for weeks, we just didn’t know how to approach the subject and … we want to be with you. If you want us that is.”

Alex’s head is spinning, in a good way, in a really good way. “I – I … yeah, yeah, I -”, that’s all he can say.

“Can we kiss you?”, Luke asks then, a little breathless as he presses closer to Alex, his skin touching Luke’s and he’s just hyper aware of their touches. They’re hot.

“Yes.”

That’s all he says before Luke presses his lips against his. He kisses like he sings, passionate and giving himself completely. His lips are soft and his right hand presses up towards his neck, squeezes once slightly and then just leaves it there. Alex follows the movements, dizzy from the taste and the feel. He drags his eyes back open

“Me next”, Reggie says as soon as Luke leans back. His head is still fuzzy from Luke’s lips when Reggie moves in. His lips are soft, just like Luke’s, but different. Good different and Alex shudders when he moves his lips and then a tongue swipes over his lips and Alex loses all brain functions.

He moves against Reggie on pure instinct. He thinks he can feel Luke against his back, his voice whispering something but he can’t concentrate because there’s so much.

“Are you okay?”, Luke mumbles against his neck.

Everything is fluffy bunnies and cotton candy. It’s more than okay.

“More than okay”, Alex echoes his thoughts.

“Good.”

They flop down on the grass, sitting in a circle. There’s at least one limb touching each other. They exchange sweet kisses again and again and Alex just feels so full with everything.

Luke and Reggie are soulmates and for some reason they want him too. At least for now. Alex will stay for as long as they want them and when they wake up one day because he’s in the way, then he’ll leave. But for now he’ll let himself enjoy this. Them.

Reggie’s on his left side and Luke on his right. They talk about nothing in particular, teasing each other and laughing and apologising with more kisses in between and that’s just something he never thought he’d feel. Every time one of them presses their lips against his he’s gone again, swept up in that amazing feeling that is Luke and Reggie.

Yeah, Alex is more than all right.

They have still time until Alex has to be back and Alex intends to use every second of it.

They look up when they hear the door open again. Bobby and the girl from earlier are walking towards them, hands clasped together. Probably his girlfriend, his brain informs him, but that’s just not important right now.

“Yo Bobby”, Luke greets. Bobby just stares at them for a moment, watching them and then something clears on his face.

“You finally told him, huh”, he says and Reggie nods against Alex’s shoulder, dropping a kiss on the denim there.

“Shut up, Bobby”, Luke hisses and it’s a little more aggressive than it needed to be. Bobby raises his eyebrows and Alex looks back between them.

“You should tell him, really.”

“Tell me what?” Alex asks.

“Nothing bad, really”, Reggie assures him quickly. “There’s a reason why we didn’t bring it up before. We were scared … but after today”, Reggie keeps babbling, smiling goofily at Alex and it does kind of work. The panic that’s been rising inside of him somewhat calms down.

“This is not calming me down!”

He is lying, but he really wants to know whatever it is. Reggie and Luke exchange looks.

“Okay”, Luke says, squeezing Alex’s hand. “To be honest, by now we hoped you noticed. We haven’t exactly hidden them”, Luke shrugs. He slides even closer to Alex and lifts both his arms, so Alex can see the writing n his forearms.

The light is less than ideal, but even now he can clearly make out two markings on Luke’s skin. His right forearm still bears Reggie’s name, but his left – he raises it closer to his face, just to be sure. There in Alex’s tidy handwriting is his own name.

Alexander Mercer.

And Alex shivers, because that is his name on Luke’s forearm. Reggie shrugs his leather jacket off and shows him his right forearm, the same words, the exact same handwriting etched into his skin as well.

His head is swimming, today is a whole wheel of surprises.

“But that’s-”, he mumbles, following the ‘A’ on Reggie’s arm with his index finger and Reggie shivers.

“We didn’t think we were right”, Luke mumbles. “You met us, you knew our names first and we thought that you either didn’t care, or you weren’t interested in anything beyond friendship or you weren’t our Alex.”

Their Alex.

Luke shrugs. “Reggie and I talked and – you just felt right, you know. It didn’t matter whether you were chosen by whoever for us. We knew what we were feeling and like I said, we wanted you for weeks now. If you wanted us back, which you do”, he sing songs the end.

“Probably even longer than that”, Reggie admits shyly, and his smile makes something in Alex’s gut swoop.

Alex pulls Bobby’s denim jacket off his body, showing his own scarred forearms. The pink-grey skin there is throbbing.

“I have soulmates”, he mumbles. He has them, they’re right here. Not that it makes any difference, because he wanted them before. He’s felt guilty for so long, praying to find out what it is that is wrong with him. There has been time in his life where he devoted himself completely to the church and now that very notion feels ridiculous. Everyone he’s known has done nothing but lie to him.

He wonders if he was even born with the scars. He presses his fingers into his forearms until it hurts. It’s a familiar hurt, pain flashes in front of his eyes and screaming and the smell of burnt flesh-

Alex scrambles to his feet and stumbles over to the bushes and retches. His whole body is violently heaving and he hears Luke and Reggie run over to him, he can feel them linger behind him, putting their hands on his back hesitantly.

“Alex?”, Luke asks.

He’s shivering. When there’s nothing left in his stomach, he flops down back into the grass.

“I -”, he swallows. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”

Luke nods, his face carefully blank, but Reggie’s pulling on Luke’s arm.

“Do you want to go back?”, Bobby asks neutrally. Both boys at his side scoff, but Bobby’s watching him. There’s no judgement as he asks it and Alex is grateful for it.

He looks back to Reggie and Luke. “I do believe you. Completely”, he tells them. Then to Bobby, “no”, and he feels Luke and Reggie relax.

Bobby nods.

“You can stay with me. Reggie does most days anyway, my folks won’t really care for one more guest”, Luke immediately offers.

“Thanks”, he smiles at him and Luke presses a kiss to his temple, soft and lingering. It almost makes him want to cry again.

“Gotta say, there’s never a dull moment with you”, the girl next to Bobby says. Bobby blushes and it’s entertaining to see him lose his cool.

“So, this is my girlfriend Amy. Amy, Alex”, he introduces them quickly. Reggie laughs at his side. It’s calming and soft and breaks some of the tension.

“Let’s go”, Bobby says. They all get inside Bobby’s car with Alex in the middle again, flanked by Reggie and Luke. The radio is on and the station is playing some kind of song that could be almost a lullaby so soft and slow.

Alex is almost dozing, his head on top of Reggie’s shoulder, when the car stops. “We’re here come on”, Luke murmurs gently. Reggie hops out of the car, effectively letting Alex’s head drop into the empty air, and holds the door open for Alex and Luke. They say goodnight to Bobby and Amy and then turn towards the house.

There’s still a room lit in the otherwise dark house. It seems to be a one storey, smaller than Alex’s own childhood home, but it already looks more inviting.

Luke lets go of his hand when he searches for the keys in his pockets. Instead Reggie grabs his, interlacing their fingers without looking up.

“Aha”, Luke holds the keys up and opens the door. The three of them walk in. Alex follows Luke and Reggie’s example in toeing his shoes off at the door, when they do.

Now that he’s closer he can see that the last light burning is from the living room. There’s a woman sitting in an armchair, sleeping, probably Luke’s mother, an open book on her chest. Luke gently shakes her and she startles awake, looking up at Luke with wide eyes. She relaxes when she’s awake enough and sits up. The book falls to the floor with a dull thump.

“Mom, we’re back. I told you, you didn’t need to stay up.”

“You said you would be home earlier”, she admonishes him, but there’s no heat behind her words.

“I know”, Luke says. “We-”, he turns back towards Alex and Reggie and then back to his mother. “Mom, this is Alex”, he introduces him. Alex can hear Mrs. Patterson gasp. She leans forward to see them and her eyes widen. She looks back up to Luke.

“Your Alex?”, she asks so softly, Alex is sure it was only meant for her son.

“Yeah”, he breathes and he’s smiling when he says “our Alex.”

Luke’s mother gets up, she wipes her hands on her trousers and then unceremoniously hugs him when she’s close enough, pressing him against her body into a soft and warm embrace.

“It’s nice to meet you, Alex”, she says. He can see Luke grinning brightly at them. Alex presses his lips together, because this is new. The last real hug he got from an adult had been his grandmother the day he was sent to Chapel St. Jude’s. This is warm and safe. She already knows what he is and she still-

He’s not crying, not again.

He can see Luke’s features in her face when she steps away from him. The gentle smile, the slope of her nose, but also the wavy brown hair and that twinkle in her eyes.

“Now off to bed, boys”, he says and rushes them off.

Reggie shows him Luke’s room. They start to get ready for bed slowly, taking their time to touch and kiss without any kind of passion, just reminders. Luke finds him a toothbrush and an old t-shirt and shorts. He changes quickly and brushes his teeth until his gums burn, just to make sure that this isn’t a dream.

They shuffle into bed together, their limbs entangled and he can feel their chests rising and falling.

“This will work out, right?”, he asks and Reggie hums an affirmative. Luke rubs his thumb softly over his scars and drops a kiss there.

“Definitely”, he whispers in the darkness. Alex relaxes into their arms, he smells nothing but the two of them. He feels warm and happy and good. Reggie presses his head in the crook of his neck, throwing a leg over him and giggles when Luke grunts.

“We’re not letting you go”, Reggie promises. “… unless you want us to, of course”, he allows after a beat. Alex nods.

“Don’t be stupid”, Alex whispers, but he’s smiling. He hears Luke laughing against his hair, full body shaking, fingers crawling up to his chest, reaching for Alex’s other hand.

They stay like this, quiet in the early morning hours until they fall asleep pressed against each other.

Alex awakens in the morning to church bells calling for the morning sermon. There’s no urge to head towards the institution. Instead there’s a deep rooted peace inside of him, tethering him to the boys lying next to him. As he turns his head to drop a kiss to Reggie’s cheek and Luke’s neck, he prays just for himself in the arms of his boyfriends.