Chapter Text
Shin Hyeok-u used to dream of a superhero coming to save him, back when he was just a scared little boy sitting in a dark closet, back when he didn’t know boys aren’t supposed to be saved, that they’re supposed to be strong, maybe even do the saving.
Shin Hyeok-u is weak. He doesn’t save people. He wants to be saved. He wants to feel strong. He wants someone to hold him. He wants to cut everyone down.
So when some random cripple stumbles into his row in the library, interrupts the lovely conversation that he’s having with Kim Ung-min, tries to save him, save a boy, he feels familiar anger build within him, warming up, crawling up his throat and choking him. How dare this weak cripple try to be a hero for a boy?
If some cripple is able to be Kim Ung-min’s hero, why can’t Hyeok-u have his own?
When So Mun comes back, suddenly able to fight, the anger within him grows into rage, into hatred, burning, burning, burning.
How dare he be a hero? How dare he try to change the hierarchy, take Hyeok-u’s only strength away from him? How dare he be a hero for these idiots, who refuse to challenge a system that doesn’t benefit them? The hatred burns, and hurts, and burns.
It’s suffocating, the way he can see himself glaring at So Mun in the reflection of his eyes, the way So Mun’s glare reflects the same hatred. It’s like a dagger in the chest, every time Hyeok-u kicks someone down, only for So Mun to appear and pick them back up. Hyeok-u curls up in his dark room every night, the front door banging as his father comes home, closing his eyes and only ever seeing So Mun’s compassionate smile, hearing his soft whisper, “Are you alright? Are you hurt?” He allows these moments of weakness to pass. They have to pass.
Then, it’s Hyeok-u being kicked down by the people he once saw as below him, people who once respected him and his authority. And So Mun is suddenly in front of him, offering his hand, asking if he is alright, and all Hyeok-u can think is, I’m not falling for your tricks, and, I won’t allow you to hurt me, and, I don’t deserve your kindness. Hyeok-u forces himself to his feet, lies through his teeth that he’s fine.
Hyeok-u goes home, and his father’s already there for once. Myeong-hwi takes one look at his son’s bruised face, and anger twists his wrinkly face.
“What did I tell you about behaving?” he growls, walking up to Hyeok-u and roughly grabbing his face. “What the hell did you do, punk?”
“Nothing,” Hyeok-u whispers. Tears sting at his eyes, and a sob wells up in his throat, but he shoves it down violently. “I didn’t do anything, Father, I promise.”
Myeong-hwi stares at him for a moment, as if debating whether or not to give Hyeok-u more bruises, before deciding that it’s not worth his time. He’s an important man, after all. His time is money.
“Next time, protect your face.”
That little bit of wisdom imparted, the mayor retreats to his office.
Once he’s sure his father’s out of earshot, Hyeok-u scoffs, before going to his bedroom. Protect your face. So no one will see the bruises, won’t start suspecting that Mayor Shin Myeong-hwi’s son is a delinquent. There’s a reason that Myeong-hwi only ever throws Hyeok-u down by the hair, only kicks his stomach, stomps on his legs, hits him in places constantly covered by clothing.
Hyeok-u hides it all, though he doesn’t know why. How satisfying it would be, to be able to send the evil bastard to prison for once and for all, let him rot away behind bars for the rest of his miserable life, maybe even get shanked by a cellmate. Wouldn’t that be something? Hyeok-u smiles to himself humorlessly.
He knows why he doesn’t tell anyone. It’s because his father provides him with housing, food, water, money, power. It’s because he’s nothing without his father pulling the strings. But most of all, it’s because, no matter the pain he’s been put through, the torture he’s endured, he’s still his father. He still loves his dad, the person who had played for hours with Hyeok-u at the local park when he was six, the person who had hugged Hyeok-u tight and allowed him to cry on his shoulder when the little boy’s mother suddenly drove away and never came back. He still loves his dad.
Hyeok-u hides himself under the blankets as he silently cries. So Mun’s image fills his head, the boy’s hand extended in a silent offer of reconciliation, his face cold but at the same time, understanding, willing to listen. His eyes, with the hatred no longer burning. His own face reflected back at him, the fear, anger, disgust.
Hyeok-u thinks he hates So Mun. He dreams about taking his hand, seeing So Mun’s kind, bright smile directed at him for a change.
He wakes up and is disgusted with himself for wanting that, even subconsciously.
Even still, every time So Mun finds Hyeok-u in some remote corner of the school, being beaten up by his old cronies, he saves him, and offers his hand. Every time, every atom within Hyeok-u’s body screams at him to just take So Mun’s hand, and every time, Hyeok-u forces himself up, leaning against a wall, or standing up through sheer force of will. He’s gotten better at protecting his face, but all that means is that the bruises given to him by his so-called peers overlap with the ones from his father. It all hurts so much. He pushes it down.
So Mun looks disappointed each time Hyeok-u refuses to take his hand, and honestly, Hyeok-u wants to scream at him to just give up already, to stop offering him this kindness that he hasn’t done anything to deserve.
Ung-min still flinches when they make eye contact. Hyeok-u tries to keep his eyes to the floor whenever the other boy is around. It’s nowhere near enough, but it’s something.
Baek Jun-gyu, the senior who’s going to finally graduate next year, starts demanding more money, so Hyeok-u creeps into his father’s study. He sees the blood. He sees the other creature in his father’s eyes, sees the murderous intent, slams the door to his bedroom shut, prays, prays for the first time in his life since his mother drove away for the creature inside his father to stop.
That night, Hyeok-u locks the door before he goes to sleep, and cries, and dreams of So Mun’s kind smile, hand outstretched, asking him, “Are you alright?”
No, he wants to scream, no, I’m not alright. My dad’s a psychopath, and I think he wants to kill me.
He watches his father kill someone over the security footage. He pleads with his father not to kill him, wishing he was literally anywhere else right now, wishing So Mun would barge in with his superhuman strength and speed and beat his father up and offer his hand and ask, “Shin Hyeok-u, are you alright?” because he’d take his hand, and he’d say, “No,” he’d say, “I’m not alright, please, please take me away from here, please, save me.”
Something enters his body. He can feel it laughing at him. He blacks out.
He wakes up in an unfamiliar bed, and finds that he has no idea where he is, how he got here, or how much he doesn’t remember. The last thing he remembers is his father, the cruel smile on his face, something viscerally inhuman.
So Mun suddenly pops into the room and summons him to eat. Hyeok-u hates this, hates how his memories blend with his dreams until all he can see is So Mun reaching out his hand. How warm would it be, how soft, how gentle?
Hyeok-u reacts the only way he knows how, playing up his inner pompous rich brat, pushing So Mun away before he can try to reach out like he does all the time in his dreams.
He’s such a hero. Hyeok-u hates it so much. He wants So Mun to save him.
Eating breakfast with So Mun’s grandparents, watching as they talk and laugh and look at each other with love in their eyes, Hyeok-u figures that So Mun has already saved him enough.
When Hyeok-u starts to walk away, So Mun stops him. He offers help. Ung-min arrives on his bike, explains the situation. So Mun extends his hand. Hyeok-u takes it, biting back shame, fear, disgust, anger.
Hyeok-u is still sitting in the room that Ung-min has temporarily provided him with when his father is put back in some hospital. Ung-min reluctantly enters his room and tells him where his father is, gives him the address, and leaves immediately afterwards.
Ung-min still refuses to look him in the eyes. Hyeok-u understands. He can't look at himself in the mirror either.
Hyeok-u visits his father on a school day, when he knows for sure that he won’t accidentally run into anyone he knows from school, especially anyone he has targeted for money, or even because they simply looked weak. His hands shake as he remembers the last time he saw his father, with that disturbing smile, talking to himself.
When he walks in, the room is empty of visitors or nurses. His father is alone, hooked up to various machines. Hyeok-u takes a seat next to him.
Seeing his seemingly untouchable father like this, fragile, makes Hyeok-u want to laugh until he cries, makes him want to vomit, makes him want to hold his father’s hand like they do in those unnecessarily dramatic TV shows, makes him want to suffocate him to death like he tried to the last time he visited his father at a hospital.
“Why can’t you just die?” Hyeok-u asks, even as he reaches out to gently clutch at his father’s hand. It’s warm. Hyeok-u feels the tears falling from his eyes. He glares at his hands around his father’s, as if it’s somehow their fault that he’s crying.
“I’m sorry, son,” Myeong-hwi whispers. Hyeok-u’s head whips up toward his father, whose eyes are still closed.
“Father?” he asks, his voice cracking. “Father, you’re awake?”
“I’m sorry, son,” he says again. “I have failed you. I’m sorry.” His hand turns in Hyeok-u’s and gently curls around his son’s hands. His eyes slowly open, and they make eye contact with Hyeok-u. “The safe in my office. The code is nine-one-eight-nine. Take the money and run.”
“Father-”
“You mustn’t let them find you.”
“Father, please-”
“If they do, make a show of cooperating with them, but use the money from the safe to get a good lawyer.”
“Dad!” Hyeok-u shouts to interrupt him. “What are you playing at, telling me to take your money and run away?”
“Protecting you,” he whispers, “the only way I know how. Now go. I’m tired.”
Myeong-hwi closes his eyes and allows his hand to fall from Hyeok-u’s, and his son takes it for the dismissal that it is. He stands on shaky legs before walking quickly out the door. A man is waiting outside, holding a steaming cup of coffee. He wears a name tag. Detective Kang Han-ul.
“Is he awake?” the man asks.
“No,” Hyeok-u gruffly replies before speed-walking away. His heart pounds, and once he gets outside of the hospital, he runs. He goes all the way to his house, and reaches into his pants pocket, relief filling him when he finds his key. He unlocks the door, and dashes to his room, where a large travel bag, filled with essentials like clothes and non-perishable foods, hides in a corner. He takes out the food, which leaves a sizable amount of empty space. He then takes the bag to his father’s study, and pretends that he doesn’t see the blood that has yet to be cleaned off the floor. He opens up the safe, muttering to himself, “Nine, one, eight, nine,” and then promptly stuffs all the empty space in the bag with the stacks of bills stored there.
If he had known about the safe, he would have stolen a lot of the money and left the house long before his father had suggested for him to do so.
Hyeok-u loves him. He’s still a monster.
He’s still the same man who hugged him, kissed his head, ruffled his hair and said, “Good job, son,” whenever he did anything remotely well.
Hyeok-u, carrying his bag, walks back to the room where he’s staying, just to tell the staff that he’s checking out, and to give Ung-min his thanks when he gets back from school.
That night, for the first time in years, Hyeok-u tries to contact his mother using an old phone number he finds in his father’s phone book. A woman picks up the phone, but Hyeok-u’s throat closes up at the voice, and she eventually hangs up, thinking that it was a prank call, or a butt dial.
Hyeok-u doesn’t know if that woman is his mother. He doesn’t remember his own mother’s voice. He doesn’t even know if she’s still alive.
That night, he falls asleep leaning against the wall of some noodle shop. He doesn’t know why, but his feet lead him here, as if his body knows that he will be safe here. It feels safe. It feels warm.
When he wakes up, he finds a nearby store and changes into his school uniform in the restroom there. He then walks all the way to Jungjin Station to lock his bag in one of the lockers, before walking to school.
He hears the whispers. His father finally woke up in the hospital, and he was promptly arrested for murder, attempted murder, and corruption. The students stare at him, sneering. Some have the gall to approach him.
“Heard your dad finally got arrested for all the crap he’s been doing while in office,” one sneers. “How does it feel, knowing you have no power now?”
Hyeok-u blinks. “It’s terrifying,” he says quietly, “but I’m used to being terrified.”
His answer shocks the student enough that he’s frozen still, and Hyeok-u walks around him. With others, he is not so lucky. They shove him against the walls of the school as he once did to them, apologizing sarcastically. Bruises that he doesn’t remember getting are pressed against with every shove and he viciously bites back every pained sound threatening to escape his throat.
He finally finds the people he was looking for. They’re sitting with a new guy that he doesn’t really recognize, but Hyeok-u walks up to them anyway, calling their names.
They turn around with fear written on their faces. “Could you come meet me?” he forces out. “After school, where we used to-... I used to…”
“Okay,” one of them says. “Of course.” His voice is shaky.
As Hyeok-u walks away, he hears that same voice defending his decision. “So what if his dad’s been arrested?” the guy argues. “He could still easily beat us up! You think he cares about cops?”
Hyeok-u doesn’t go to class. He doesn’t think he can stand several hours of sitting there, feeling everyone’s eyes on him, So Mun’s eyes on him. His hands start shaking again, and he shoves them into his pants pockets.
“His dad killed So Mun’s parents,” he hears. “His dad’s the reason he had that crippled leg before.” “Wow, I guess violence runs in the family.” “I guess hating So Mun runs in the family, too.”
All he wants is So Mun’s outstretched hand, his kind, radiant smile. All he wants is to run away.
After school, he goes to that spot, and he finds the three dudes that he had tortured for the entirety of second year, lined up the way he used to force them to. Hyeok-u stands in front of them, hands trembling as he pulls them out of his pockets. Their wide eyes shoot to them, and the attention makes his body tremble even more.
“I’m sorry,” he finally says. “There’s nothing I can do to make up for the amount of injuries you have sustained because of me, or the money I have stolen from you, or the year that I forced you to waste, living in fear. I am extremely sorry.” He bows as low as he can. The three boys, stunned, watch as he leaves.
Hyeok-u shoves his hands into his pockets again, but when he looks up, he sees the other friend of the three guys he had just apologized to, Ung-min, Juyeon, and So Mun.
He clenches his fists as he walks towards them.
He doesn’t really know what he says to them. He’s talking on autopilot, walks away on autopilot, and lets that mindset carry him all the way to some convenience store, needing somewhere with a restroom to check out the injuries he doesn’t remember getting. Before he can walk in, though, he sees the small TV screen in the corner.
“MAYOR SHIN MYEONG-HWI ON TRIAL FOR HIS CRIMES” it reads. It seems as if the court case has just begun. He sees a familiar head of messy, curly hair in the front row.
He doesn’t bother sticking around to watch. He knows his father is guilty.
“Wild, isn’t it?” the cashier says to him. “I can’t believe I ever supported the guy. What an evil bastard.”
“Yeah,” Hyeok-u says, though it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. “He’s a really awful guy.” An awful guy whose money he’s going to be living off of for as long as he possibly can.
He heads into the restroom then, and stands in front of the mirror as he slowly pulls up his shirt, looking at the true extent of the damage. He has vague memories of being thrown around by someone with superhuman strength, though the only person who he knows with that kind of power is So Mun. Perhaps something happened between them during that period of time where he doesn’t remember anything. That doesn’t really make sense though. If they’d fought, why would So Mun allow Hyeok-u to rest in his bed afterwards?
It’s weird that he even slept in So Mun’s bed in the first place. It’s weird that he doesn’t remember anything. It’s weird that he doesn’t remember how he got all these relatively new bruises. There are lots of things that are weird about this entire situation, and Hyeok-u is extremely ready to just put it all behind him.
After checking out his injuries, he exits the restroom, and buys a small pack of gum that he doesn’t really want.
He goes to Jungjin Station, retrieves his bag, and walks towards the courthouse on a whim.
Hyeok-u doesn’t go inside, just stands a good distance away, casually leaning against the outer wall of some building, blending into the scenery. A good ten minutes later, a whole bunch of people start filing out of the courthouse. He figures that means his father’s trial is over.
He doesn’t know if he feels relieved by this or not. He settles on ambivalent.
As Hyeok-u thinks on his father’s last words to him, he suddenly comes to a realization. The evidence. The blood on the floor of the office, the security camera footage that shows his father killing that one supporter in cold blood, it’s all still there. They know, they have to know, that Hyeok-u knew all this time what a horrible person his father was. He witnessed a murder. Could they arrest him for that? Could he be charged for withholding evidence?
Was his father really trying to save him by telling him to run away?
Hyeok-u falls to the ground, and curls up around his bag. Could he be arrested? Does he need to assume a fake identity or something? Are the police looking for him right now, or does Myeong-hwi’s incarceration signify the end to this entire thing? Does he need to leave the city?
He thinks of the blood on the floor, the blood on his skin, the blood rushing in his ears.
Hyeok-u takes a shaky breath, then another, deeper one. Inhale. Exhale. He picks up his bag and walks to Jungjin Station again, but this time, stands in front of a map of the country and closes his eyes before pointing at a random spot. He opens them, and a few minutes later, buys a ticket to Gongju.
On the ride there, he nods off, dozing with his head leaning against the window of the train. He dreams of a kind smile, an outstretched hand. “Are you alright?” the boy asks softly.
“Yeah,” Hyeok-u replies, “but I’d feel better if you were with me.”
“Then don’t run away.”
Hyeok-u smiles ruefully when he wakes up. The train is almost at his stop, and after this, he’ll have to take a taxi to the nearest cheap hotel. The sun sets, giving off a beautiful golden glow. It reminds him of a certain someone in his dreams, though it feels unnecessarily cheesy to compare the two, even just in his mind.
I don’t have a choice.