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The Garden Party, 1914
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can choose what stays and what fades away
“So I’ve ruined everything?” Mary asks in despair, knowing only too well what Matthew’s answer will be if he chooses to give her one. She can see the turmoil in his bright blue eyes, the despair that her lack of certainty has caused him. When his response comes it’s more devastating than she’d imagined, all the more so because she can tell he’s trying to be kind, to spare her feelings.
“You have shown me I’ve been living in a dream, and it’s time to return to real life. Wish me luck with it, Mary. God knows I wish the best for you.”
With that, she watches him walk off slowly, and unable to prevent herself, unable to school her features back into her usual expression of polite indifference, she lowers her face into her hands and sobs.
Now that it’s happened, that he’s run out of patience with her indecision and forced her hand, she finds herself desperately sorry. She finds that now he’s gone away, withdrawn his proposal, she’s suddenly, completely sure that she loves him, that she’s loved him for far longer than she or anyone else thought possible.
Perhaps more shockingly, now that there’s not the faintest possibility of it occurring, she also suspects that it would have been enough for her, that she could have been happy simply living a life with him, future Earl of Grantham or not. Oh, she’s sure it would have been an adjustment, and she’d have hated to leave Downton, but she has a hunch that he would have been worth it, that they could have made each other happy.
And now, she faces an uncertain future, the story of Mr Pamuk flying around London, and the one man she’s truly felt love for gone for good, perhaps forever.
Thinking about the scandal, and what Evelyn had told her about its origin, she feels savagely glad of her earlier sabotage of Edith, relieved that at least she won’t have to face months of Edith preparing for her wedding, Edith planning her honeymoon, Edith being happy while she watches, relegated to the role of an onlooker and helpful sister.
This train of thought over with, she sighs internally, knowing that she shouldn’t rejoice in her sister’s unhappiness, and thinks darkly that of course things didn’t work out between her and Matthew, that she could never be good enough for him, worthy of him.
This sends her once more to the verge of tears, and disregarding the festivities surrounding her she gives in, weeping as she thinks she’s never allowed herself to do before, at least not since she was a very small girl.
At this point she notices Carson approaching out of the corner of her eye, and struggles to collect herself, wiping the tears from her eyes and attempting to control her voice.
“Are you quite well, m’lady?” he asks, his voice full of concern that Mary isn’t quite sure she deserves but is glad to hear nonetheless.
She nods and replies “Of course. You know me, Carson. I’m never down for long,” attempting to keep her voice level, but knowing she’s failed entirely as soon as the words leave her mouth.
Taking them both by surprise, this isn’t a barrier they’ve broken since she was a much younger girl, Carson puts his arms around her, and she allows herself to relax into him, reveling in the rare show of affection.
“I know you have spirit m’lady. And that’s what counts. It’s all the counts in the end” Carson says, showing once more the apparently unshakable faith he places in her.
Hearing this, she can no longer find even a semblance of control and gives into the need to sob like the small girl she feels like in this moment. As Carson keeps his arms around her she feels a strange sense of calm, and while she knows it cannot last, that she must return to the garden party and face the rest of her family soon enough, she takes comfort in it.
She thinks perhaps that she may be able to take a little of this calm with her as she faces the uncertain world ahead.
Two Years Later, The Concert, 1916
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
Standing at the end of the Great Hall, watching the guests file into the concert, taking their seats, all Mary can think about is him. In fact, it’s been all she can think about since Mama and her sisters had told him that Matthew was coming, and would be here with his fiancee.
She’s been putting on a brave face, pretending that news of his arrival and his engagement mean little to her, that she’s only happy for him, but deep down she knows she may have fooled the others, though not she thinks Sybil, but she hasn’t fooled herself. She’d hoped time would fade the love she felt for him, and while he’s been away at the front she’s been able to keep up the pretense, half convince herself that it has.
Then, she sees him, entering the room in his dress uniform, accompanied by a woman that she supposes must be his fiancee, the famous Miss Swire. As he talks to Papa she finds herself frozen in place, completely transfixed by him in a way that is quite unlike her. At first she’s simply glad to see him looking whole and healthy, happy even, and back at Downton where he belongs.
And then, finally, she catches his eye, and it’s all over, any lies she’s told herself about how happy she is for him, how they can simply be friends now evaporate in an instant. Seeing him here, seeing him look well and unharmed, simply brings on deep pangs of regret, knowing as she does that she could be the one by his side if only she hadn’t been so stupid, so indecisive, if she hadn’t ruined everything.
As Isobel, Matthew and Lavinia walk over, accompanied by Papa, Mary is fiercely proud of how level she’s able to keep her voice as she greets Lavinia, saying in tones that she knows betrays little of what she’s feeling “Hello Miss Swire, I’m Mary Crawley.”
Throughout their introductions she can feel Matthew’s eyes on her, intense as they always have been, and she takes a little pride in the fact that somehow, she seems to be the person made least uncomfortable by this arrangement. She may not have Matthew, or happiness, but Mary takes heart in the fact that she is at least able to keep up her facade, to act the part of the welcoming cousin convincingly. After all, she thinks to herself bitterly as the introductions reach their conclusion, it’s one she’ll have to play for the rest of her life.
After she’s finished the requisite social niceties and made her peace with Matthew convincingly, she settles down in her seat catching Carson’s eyes across the room as she does so. She resolves to go and visit him later, she’s been avoiding him more than usual lately, ignoring anyone likely to see through her facade to the very real pain just beneath, but she’s missed him and his steady confidence in her more than she can say.
He gives her a small nod, and she takes heart in it, taking comfort in the fact that at least one person recognises the agony this is putting her through and is proud of her for soldiering on. She doesn’t quite know what she’s done to secure Carson’s loyalty and constant support, but as she sits there listening to the music, she resolves that he will always have hers and that one day she’ll find a way to show him that she is forever on his side.
Later that evening, after everyone else has either gone home or to bed, Mary creeps down the kitchen stairs and finds her way down the passage to the Butler’s pantry, where she knows she’ll find Carson.
Knocking on the door, and hearing his gruff voice invite her to enter, she slips inside, seeing his face show a mixture of surprise and pleasure as he stands to greet her.
“M’lady, how can I help you?”
“I’m not really here, but thought it was about time I came to see you, I.. I found myself missing your presence while I was away.”
He smiles down at her, the expression transforming his usually gruff face into something softer “and I you my lady, and I you.” Here, he hesitates before continuing “I hope it’s not remiss for me to say, but I was very proud of you earlier, welcoming Mr Crawley back like that. I know it was not easy.”
Mary sighs “It was not, but there being someone that recognises it makes all the difference.”
“You’re strong my lady, you’ll make it through, just you wait and see.”
Taking heart in this reassurance Mary nods “I won’t give in, especially with you here to watch over me.”
“I know you won’t, I’m sure of it..”
For a minute she stands there, simply content to be in the presence of someone who truly believes in her. Then, recognising that she must leave before she loses control of herself in his presence once more, she gives a nod goodnight and slips from the room and back upstairs to the sanctuary of her room.
Despite the agony of the day’s events, she feels sure now that she can make it through, if not to happiness then to some kind of life. After all, she’s Lady Mary Crawley, she doesn’t give up without a fight. She has a reputation to uphold and she means to see that she does so.