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Nagisa slid into the seat next to Kayano and laughed as she shoved a magazine in his face.
‘’Do you see these chickens? Do you see them? Their forced to eat and eat till they die, just so their fat for us to eat? I'm disgusted!’’
‘’Don't worry Kayano, I'm a vegetarian’’
‘’But I love chicken nuggets. Do you see my problem!’’
Nagisa comforted Kayano in her chicken induced grief. Meanwhile, the class buzzed around him. Chatter a happy background to his school life. He set out his books, settling into his normal morning routine. Sugino came over, slung his arm around his shoulder and Nagisa melted into his happy school self.
Then Koro-sensei flew through the door, arms piled high with Italian ice-cream.
‘’In honor of everyone getting above 80 in our last test, Ive elected to bring you this delicious Italian gelato!’’
His laughter wrung out in the silence. Then,
‘’Ice-cream!’’ came the war cry as the sugar hungry teenagers swarmed their teacher. Karasuma stood back to watch the carnage. Children crept away left right and center clutching their delicious prizes.
‘’I'm glad you enjoyed my surprise! Let's see... oh Nagisa, Isogai! You haven't got yours yet!’’
Isogai happily grabbed the proffered ice-cream. Bananas flavour. It used to be his favourite.
Nagisa hung back. He knew he should take it, Koro-sensei had gone to so much effort. It was such a lovely surprise!
But he couldn’t he knew he couldn’t.
The evening before his mother had been playing her favorite game. ‘’This one? Or this one? Blue or purple? Which do you think Nagisa?’’
He hadn't responded. He knew he wasn't expected to. Both dresses were equally horrid in his eyes. But it didn’t matter. Mother was a little girl, showing dresses to her doll. The doll stayed silent and submissive. He stared at his feet. He would not fight this time. He’d be enthusiastic. Make her happy. Be a model child.
When she touched his arm, he flinched.
Failed already, of course he did. When did he ever play properly? Her face flicked but she kept her smile. ‘’Arms up!’’
The dress slid over his shoulders, wrapping softly around him. Purple and pretty. And he dragged a smile onto his face. When mother forced his face up to look in the mirror his smile faltered. Why wasn't he used to it yet? Why couldn’t he just enjoy having her full attention? None of his friends became the sole object of their mother's attention for hours on end. He knew that. Why didn’t he apricate it?
‘’Don't you look perfect Nagisa darling? You know I love you when you're like this. Your just like my baby, my daughter. Noone would know any different if they saw you like this! Isn't it wonderful?’
His eyes in the mirror turned glossy like a doll.
Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry dot cry
Her fingers threaded through his hair like spiders. She picked up a hairbrush, her favorite part. She could brush so hard it burned, he never understood how. But brushing could be more painful than bruises. He knew. He experienced both.
‘’Can I do it?’
‘’What?’’
Too late to back down now. ‘’Can I brush my hair?’’
He felt a small victory in her shocked face. He felt less victories when her face contorted into rage.
She screamed for a really long time. When she eventually finished, he had been reduced to tears, crouching on the floor. The dress had ripped.
‘’No food tomorrow. Do you understand me?’ she pulled him by the hair to look in her eyes. ‘’No food tomorrow. Or you know what happens.’’
‘’Yes mother.’’ he hissed.
‘’I can't here you.’’
‘’Yes mother!’’
She laughed at him. Pathetic. And walked off. Nagisa had shoved the dress into his closet and went to bed.
He hated no food days.
But he’d never eat if she told him no. Not after what happened last time.
Koro-sensei was holding out the ice cream enticingly. ‘’I bought it just for you Nagisa! Eat up.’’
‘’Thank you...but no thank you. It was really nice of you! But I... am fine. Thank you.’’
Koro-sensei looked hurt so Nagisa hated himself. But he couldn’t eat it. Every single part of him told him to back away. Say no. Mother would find out, she always did. She knew she knew she knew what he did always found out. Remember what happened? Not again again. Again. Again.
‘’Man, Nagisa that’s harsh’’ said Terasaka. ‘’He went to Italy! What don’t you like ice-cream?’’
Nagisa loved him for giving an excuse. ‘’Not really, but I do appreciate it!’’
‘’Shall I get you a brownie instead?’’
‘’No! No, thank you. It’s fine. Kayano can have mine?’’
Kayano cheered and hugged him. Luckly the food distracted her from his shaking. He crept away as soon as he could.
Locked in the bathroom stall he crouched with his head between his knees. Shapes danced behind his closed eyes, morphing into Koro-sensei, food, mother.
It happened when he was 8. Ripping his pretty jeans with the embroidered flowers. After being dragged inside mother had screamed, as usual. But this time was an added punishment.
‘’You'll not eat anything today, do you understand? Do you understand me?’’
He had nodded. Bemused.
He got hungry that evening so he waited till she slept and crept to the kitchen. Stolen left over rice from dinner and eaten it in his room. Proud of his professional thievery.
Mother noticed the blatantly missing food, of course she did. How could she not?
He’d come home from school and found her sitting at the table. She wore her almost but not quite angry face.
That was a dangerous one.
“Are you hungry?”
He hadn’t dared to answer.
“I didn’t think you were. Since you are all our rice yesterday. I was mad” - he flinched - “but I realised you were just hungry. Growing boys are always hungry!”
Feeling like a condemned man granted a reprieve he’d curled on her lap like a toy, smiling her favorite smile.
“ So.... I thought I’d get you a special surprise to say sorry!”
A special surprise?
She’d brought out a huge tub of his favourite ice cream! Banana! And she said it was all for him!
He’d tucked in beaming. It was a struggle to finish it, but he’d finished every bite. It seemed to make her happy, and a happy mother was a happy Nagisa.
So full he felt he couldn’t eat for a week, he’d stood up from the table.
“Where are you going?”
That’s when he saw how angry she was. Not shouting angry.
It was worse.
She’d taken a second tub from the freezer.
Put it in front of him and handed him the spoon.
“Eat up Nagisa! Since your so hungry!”
“I... don’t really want it. I’m full.”
“But I got it just for you! Eat. It.”
He didn’t like it the second time. Every spoon weighed on his tongue. Froze his teeth and filled his stomach, he felt like he’d swell up and explode.
When she brought the third tub he threw down his spoon.
“I’m full now! No more, I won’t I won’t.”
Arms crossed like his teacher did when she meant Business.
She shoved the spoon in his mouth so suddenly his lip bled.
Not waiting for him to stop choking she shoved spoon after spoon inside him.
It was painful, burning and cold all rolled up and stored in the throat. He couldn’t swallow but more and more kept coming.
Finally it was empty.
She brought out a fourth tub and he stared to cry.
“Why are you crying? Are you a baby Nagisa? A baby you can’t handle getting what it wants?”
“I don’t want it! Please Mummy, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
She prised his mouth open.
Half way through he shuddered and vomited into the tub.
Mother pulled away disgusted.
He almost smiled. He couldn’t eat it now! She’d let him stop!
And she brought up a full spoon.
“No no no no no no!” Trying to run and being dragged back.
She made him swallow as he sobbed. Every spoon. Every slimy hot cold dirty spoon.
He threw up again on the 5th tub. It got all over him and dripped onto the shiny table. The smell made him gag, he’d have thrown up again but the spoon was already down his throat.
He could barely move when the tub was empty. His arms felt like dead weights, pinned to a bulging, monster of a body. Coverd in vomit he begged for her to stop. He’d do anything if she stopped. Never disobey if she just stopped!
She laughed at him. He knelt In a puddle of vomit infront of her, head on the floor.
“Aren’t I a lovely mother? I’ve given you so much yummy treats? Do you think any other mother would let you do this?”
He shook his head and she shoved it back to the floor.
“Stay down.”
She sat and watched him. Shaking. For longer than he could imagine.
And she left him there.
He didn’t dare move, even when she turned off all the lights.
He’d stayed their all night. Sobbing, throwing up. Never lifting his head.
She’d come back in the morning.
“Get up. God look at you, your disgusting. Don’t you have any dignity? Clean yourself up. And if you ever” she dragged him by the hair to eye level “ do something like this again? I’ll really punish you. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”
He’d counted to 100 after she’d left. To make sure she really wasn’t comping back.
Then he dragged himself to the shower and just sat there. Waiting for the water to get rid of the slimy feeling all over him. The feeling stayed long after the smell disappeared.
He couldn’t remember what clean felt like anymore.
It took so long to stop shaking.
Next time she told him no food, he obeyed. He’d never disobey her like that again. Couldn’t learn what a “real” punishment was. Knew he couldn’t survive it again.
Nagisa forced himself to breath into the floor of the school bathroom. Pasted a smile on his face and pinched himself to stop the shaking. Slid into his chair next to Kayano and laughed when Sugino slung his arm around him.
Everything is fine.