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Ye Zun is used to nightmares. He doesn't remember anything else. Still, there is something about this specific nightmare that disturbs him more. It varies in details, but always ends up with him killing gege again, dissolving Shen Wei into pure dark energy particles and filling himself until he's choking on power. Oh, so much sweet power…
Ye Zun wakes up with a choked off gasp. His heart throbs in his ears, sweat sticks long strands of his hair to his temples, and his muscles are locked up like a prison of flesh and bones, the cage he barely deserves for his greed, his crimes...
He's in their bed, the one they all share on nights they are all home. Faintly, over the pounding of his heartbeat, he can hear their slow breathing. Shen Wei's head is turned towards him, slack in sleep, while Zhao Yunlan's right over, one arm thrown over Shen Wei's chest. They are painfully vulnerable like this, as if they don't even care that they are sharing a bed with a monster. At least he didn't wake them all by getting tangled in the covers as he trashed, this time.
Ye Zun desperately wants to reach over to gege, to touch him. He needs to make sure he’s alive -- he didn’t really kill him, not again -- but his limbs won't obey, like he doesn’t even have a body, only weight. The darkness of the room is crushing him, trapping him, and there is no light, no touch, no air -
He raises trembling hands over his mouth, muffling sobbed breaths while he tries to stop shaking. He can't wake gege and Yunlan, not again, they deserve some rest.
As soon as he can get his legs functioning, he slips out from the end of the bed and staggers to the shower. He sweated through his clothes and his hair is disgusting now. Plus, the bathroom's far enough from the room that he won't disturb the others with his childish problems.
Turning on the overhead light makes him wince, and his mirrored reflection makes him flinch, so he closes them all and lets himself only use the muted city lights filtering through the bathroom's high window. Ye Zun is used to darkness, after all. This is plenty.
He picks up what he needs to wash and turns the water to hot. The initial splash makes him jump, and laugh humourlessly at himself.
He washes briskly, scrubbing hard, waiting to feel warm, to feel clean.
He doesn't know how much time passes. He is curled up on the shower tile, skin stinging, the humidity suffocating, mist curling up the walls, and still trembling when suddenly there are arms around him.
He trashes, weakly - always so weak - and someone speaks to him gently, calmly, repeating themselves over and over. Ye Zun can't hear the words but the tone is warming him in places the water couldn't reach. He quiets, only then discovering he had been making noises too.
It's Shen Wei, because of course it is. His hands are careful as they check him all over, rub lotion on his scrubbed raw skin, wrapping him in warm towels and solid arms. Ye Zun stays silent as he is guided to the couch, where he is held safe and secure by both gege and Yunlan. Somehow this is worse than feeling trapped alone because he doesn’t even deserve their forgiveness, let alone this care. Not when he has killed gege and so many others, hurt Yunlan. Not when, if not for the Hallows, they would be all dead, dead, and and it would be his fault -
As sudden as lava erupting or ice cracking on a lake, words break out of him in great heaving sobs, most of them nonsensical. He tries to explain it was just a nightmare, the nightmare, and they don't have to do this. He keeps getting lost in painful tangents and tangled memories. They don’t argue, don’t refute him, just silently hold him close and listen. He's so grateful it physically pains him, makes him angry at them and angrier at himself.
Still, they let him navigate these broken emotions by himself. They dry him, bundle him up. At one point, Shen Wei leaves briefly and returns with warm tea and another towel. He sets to combing and braiding Ye Zun's long hair, the way he used to when they were kids. Yunlan's hands cup his around his teacup, encouraging him to take a sip when his voice cracks.
Slowly, like a bled out wound, Ye Zun’s words trickle down into silence. He feels drained and unsettled as he looks down into the delicate cup in his hands, at Yunlan's fingers over his.
“Why do you do this?" Ye Zun whispers after a long pause. "I did nothing to deserve you, or this.”
Shen Wei only hums, and continues to part and twist his hair in the same slow, meditative way. It’s Zhao Yunlan who finally answers, his tone firm regardless of the sleepy air clinging to his shoulders.
“Because our love is ours to give, not yours to earn. And we choose to give it to you."
Ye Zun feels the honesty of that answer like a gunshot. He chokes back a yelp of pain, of frustration.
Zhao Yunlan waits a moment to see if he'll reply, then shrugs and goes on. “I could list how fierce, how brilliant, how lovely you are. Explain how you're a greater prankster than Da Qing and Lin Jing teamed up. But you wouldn’t be convinced either way, am I right? Nobody gets convinced they deserve love via rational arguments.” Yunlan's voice holds a resigned note, but also a dry sort of sympathy. Frowning, Ye Zun recalls bits of Yunlan's self-deprecating tales about his shriveled black heart. As he was back then, Ye Zun remains baffled by this. He has never met a person with heart as overflowing with love as Zhao Yunlan.
“So, see, there's no other choice. We just have to continue showing affection for you in every way possible,” Zhao Yunlan grins while Shen Wei tuts, and Ye Zun can’t help his lips turning up in reaction. It could be that Ye Zun is too broken to understand it, or maybe Zhao Yunlan is right and love simply cannot be explained. Maybe it has to be grinded into our bones by living with it, and the most we can do is hope it sinks deeper than the scars.
Shen Wei kisses Ye Zun's temple and tells him, with conviction that could move rivers: "We are here, and will be here with you as long as you want us."
Zhao Yunlan kisses his forehead next and adds, cheeky, “And maybe even if you don’t want us. We can be sticky.”
They take him back to bed and hold him close between themselves, not shielding him from the world nor his consequences, but offering comfort and support. Ye Zun lets them, still confused but starting to be a little amused at Zhao Yunlan's increasingly sleepy banter. He's still giving Ye Zun mumbles reassurances between yawns as he snuggles to his back, and while Ye Zun cannot understand nor agree with the sentiments, he feels warmed nonetheless by their undeniable existence.
Ye Zun still doesn't believe he deserves any good will. Maybe he never will believe it. But maybe he can learn to accept what's freely given, and that can be close enough.
In front of him, Shen Wei silently cups his cheek and smiles softly.
Ye Zun swallows and closes his eyes, capturing the sight. He nods. Shen Wei caresses his hair, and Ye Zun allows himself to be soothed into a doze, even as the sun slowly rises.
/ the end.