Archive of Our Own

Cardassian courtship tends to be vitriolic and rife with arguments from all participants, whether it is flirtation in the leadup to a one-night stand or a lifelong romance. However, established romantic relationships tend to be more openly sappy and calm. See how Tekeny Ghemor spoke about his late wife. This isn’t a universal thing—in fact, a relationship retaining its argumentative qualities could be seen as admirably energetic and youthful—but a calmer future is most common. Quark and Odo (though neither are Cardassian themselves) met on Terok Nor during the Occupation and seem to be in some sort of established Cardassian courtship but never reduced the level of vitriol.

The main principle behind these vitriolic courtships is the intimacy of anger. It involves hashing everything out to get to the heart of your love. Part of the reason this seems so sentimental is because of how repressive Cardassia’s State can be, and how much it limits free speech. To share one's true, differing opinions passionately with someone is very intimate, as is the ability to annoy/be annoyed or even absolutely excoriate one’s love/be excoriated with no hard feelings. In addition, the intimacy of anger isn't limited to disagreements. It also involves the ability to explode with rage around one's love with the shared trust that no one will be hurt. “A Time to Stand” features a scene of Weyoun presenting an amiable mask before suddenly exploding at Damar, revealing the stress he is actually under. 

Elements often found in these courtship arguments are insults and challenges, normally involving whatever field the object of one's affections specializes in or cares about. Gilora Rejal’s insults regarding O’Brien’s engineering are a very good example. Insults may also contain a hidden compliment or confession embedded within them. See something Garak tells Bashir:

Really, at the heart of these words is the fact that his time spent with Bashir is the light of his life, but this romantic confession is couched in terms that make it sound like that's all a sign of his degradation. This confession of “hatred” is really a Cardassian confession of love.

Courtship challenges can be similar to romantic insults, but they more directly call upon the object of one’s affections to grow/improve/be honest. Here is Quark providing an example, challenging Natima Lang: 

Sometimes the challenge is phrased in a less obvious fashion. Here is Weyoun, challenging Damar: 

This exchange contains insults from both parties, but Weyoun’s double as a challenge to reduce the drinking. Meanwhile, Damar both compares Weyoun to a Cardassian while simultaneously implying that he has reason not to trust him. This exchange would be a very typical one for Cardassian courtships in general, and overall the interactions between these two characters would be extremely ordinary for a Cardassian romance. 

When individuals from different cultures engage in Cardassian courtship, it is common for their arguments to involve each other’s media or traditions while also taking cues from them in private. This characterizes practically all of Bashir’s and Garak’s debates.

Generally, flat-out insults, particularly regarding one's intelligence, tend to be viewed as more feminine, whereas boasting, swaggering challenges tend to be viewed as more masculine.

Dukat’s behavior should not be considered typical of most Cardassian courtship because he tends to be interested in and prey on Bajorans, and not treat them as his equals. That being said, Kira’s disgust and insults toward him probably feed into his fantasies because he can pretend she has a flirtatious motivation.

Shows of strength are a final element involved in Cardassian courtship. Power and survivability are traits considered highly desirable among Cardassians, possibly due to the oppressive conditions in which they’ve lived, or perhaps for older, more mystical reasons. Responding to one’s love’s stubbornness by using a show of strength to overpower them for their own good is considered one of the most romantic gestures of all, and may often involve shooting one’s lover. See Bashir's shooting Garak or Natima's shooting Quark. In the case of Bashir, that instance was particularly romantic because he later recited Garak’s own words in order to resolve the situation, indicating that he had listened intently and valued his stance despite disagreeing with it heartily.

A method of expressing affection that is a clear declaration and acknowledgement of romantic love is pressing palms together. The depth of the affection can be indicated by the strength of the contact and the length of time the palms remain flush. Brief contact may be more cheeky and potentially platonic, but a sustained, firm hold is as clear as a romantic profession. Garak and Bashir share this sort of touch in “The Wire” when Garak asks if Bashir will forgive him and Bashir agrees. Curling one’s fingers around another’s during a pressing of palms, or interlacing them, is even more romantic. 

Pressing foreheads together is a sign of deep, unconditional love in Cardassian culture. It is a gesture normally reserved for family members and partners who plan to be or already are married. 

Key episodes: 

“Profit and Loss” explores reconnecting with an old flame in a Cardassian respect.

“The Ascent” when viewed through the lens of Cardassian courtship rituals, centers on a couple in a life or death situation giving their all for each other to the very end. 

“Our Man Bashir” can be analyzed as an example of picking at one’s love interest to relieve tension, as well as for a romantic show of strength at its climax. 

“Destiny” involves a cultural miscommunication and explicitly states that arguing is how Cardassians flirt.