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Jude wandered back into the royal chambers, still reminding herself that they belonged to her now, that she was the High Queen, and it wasn’t some sort of sick secret between her and Cardan. It had been an eventful few weeks, between the battle and treaties being forged and going back to the mortal world when it was all over. All Jude wanted was to sit in bed and do nothing. It seemed funny, now, that the one thing she did her best to avoid during her exile—being sedentary and bored—was what she was longing for now. It was the first time in her entire life that Jude finally thought seeking out adventure and danger wasn’t worth the mental and physical exertion.
Lost in her thoughts, Jude tugged off her boots one at a time, then unloaded her weapons, daggers hidden in shoes and under pant legs and Nightfell, onto a table near the door in the antechamber. It was all oddly mundane, bringing Jude back to her days as seneschal and Shadow Queen, when she would return to her chambers after long days of meetings and Cardan’s schemes and pretending that she still hated him. Most of it was still the same, she did have far too many meetings with people who still didn’t see her as a strong queen—some because she was, after all, only human, others because they couldn’t see that 90% of the reason Cardan had avoided war and bloodshed for as long as he did was because of her ruling in secret for months—and she did still have to deal with Cardan’s schemes, however now they weren’t meant to break her down or push her away and when you can laugh with the person antagonizing you it changes the nature of things quite a bit. The last bit is different, though, because Jude doesn’t have to, nor wants to, pretend she hates Cardan anymore. Somewhere along the line, in between being pissed at him for exiling her and feeling more despair than ever at the moment she realized she would have to kill the serpent, unsure of what that meant for the man she loved, Jude realized it wasn’t worth pretending that she hated him anymore. Afterall, the whole court knew they were married, and Cardan knew how she felt, even if she didn’t actually verbalize it, and it just felt dumb to pretend to hate someone that she obviously cared so much about.
It was all a lot of feelings that Jude didn’t like thinking too much about, so instead she just let things happen as they did and didn’t analyze why she acted the way she did, lest she be forced to face some truths that she was steadfastly ignoring. She wouldn’t think about the way her heart fluttered when Cardan caught her eye from across the room during meetings with advisors and grinned before anyone paid him any attention. She wouldn’t think about the feel of his hand in hers when they would walk into grand rooms at the start of revels, of the way his hand reassured her and helped ground her. And above all else, Jude refused to think about the way she almost whispered decidedly romantic things into the dark of the royal chambers when she woke before Cardan and saw the peaceful look on his face while he reached out for her in his sleep. No. Jude refused to acknowledge it all, because she was never one for putting feelings into words and it all felt useless to say romantic things to someone after all she had been through. It wasn’t as if she’d never told Cardan how she felt, he knew she loved him, she had said as much, but something about saying out loud with abandon, without giving it proper weight, still felt foreign to her.
And thus, caused Cardan’s new favorite game— antagonizing Jude by being overly honest. Because, while Jude was perfectly, content leaving things unsaid and instead replacing them with actions that showed her feelings, Cardan was overly fond of saying how he felt over and over and over again—in vivid detail. Part of it was because he couldn’t lie, which to be fair, wasn’t exactly his fault, but it was mostly due to his new policy of refusing to evade Jude’s questions and being more honest with her than anyone else. It was quite the predicament, because Jude couldn’t leave so much unsaid and unacknowledged when Cardan wouldn’t hide a single thing he felt or thought.
Which all brought Jude back to the present, where she was pointedly ignoring the High King seated on a chair near the fireplace, watching her intently. He looked ready to say something, and Jude didn’t think she could handle any of his scheming before she bathed or at the very least was sitting down. Luckily, Cardan didn’t say anything, instead opting to gesture for Jude to join him by the fire with a wave of his hand. Jude obliged, softly padding across carpets to Cardan, before slipping into his lap. This was one of the few things Jude was actually not ignoring—she knew she wasn’t the best at being verbally affectionate, but something about soft touches and hugs alone in a room felt a lot less intimidating than vocalizing or working out her feelings, and if she was honest, after getting a taste of the mundane, affectionate ways that Cardan would press up against her when she was brushing her hair or trace her ear and jaw and arms with a featherlight touch while she read papers in bed, she didn’t think she could ever give it up. Right now, Cardan seemed content to hold her in his arms, albeit a little awkwardly because of the chair’s size, but he didn’t seem to mind, instead opting to pull her closer to him, resting his head on top of hers. She felt safe and content and another emotion she refused to name as a part of her valiant “Don’t think about how much you love Cardan in case you accidently turn into a romantic pile of mush” policy. Regardless, Jude thought she could stay like this forever, huddled in Cardan’s embrace in a room where the only sounds were the crackling fire and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
Cardan, however, decided that he would not stay like that forever, and interrupted her peace with a whispered “Jude,”
She made a soft noise in response, already dreading whatever nonsense he was going to bring up.
“Jude,”
“What, Cardan?” It wasn’t a harsh question, but it definitely wasn’t the kindest voice ever used, revealing her exhaustion from the day.
“What are you thinking about?” Jude tensed, she knew he would eventually ask her this question, not to antagonize her, but because, as she’d learned over the past weeks, Cardan had genuine interest in everything she did and said and thought. Usually, Jude could say something vague about treaties or Vivi or Taryn and the baby, but right now she couldn’t think of anything but Cardan and warmth in her chest. She knew she could lie, but there was always some level of guilt brought on by outright lying to the one faerie she could trust to never mince words or disguise the truth through clever language. So instead of saying anything she froze, and she knew Cardan could feel it.
“I’m just asking because you seemed lost in thought since you walked in the door, but you don’t have to answer if you don’t want.” As always, Cardan was almost a little too sweet, something that still caught Jude off guard after years of rivalry and spiteful interactions.
“It’s not that I don’t want to answer, I just, I don’t. I—” She cut herself off, what was she going to say, I just don’t want to say that I was thinking about how much I loved this, how much I love you, because I can’t handle emotional vulnerability so I made a pact with myself to never acknowledge that I love you out loud unless I have too because I don’t think I could process it? She was already decidedly ignoring the way she so easily said she loved Cardan in her thoughts, how in the world could she say that out loud? It felt absurd in the moment, like this was all some joke. She could lie to Cardan and herself and say she wasn’t thinking of anything and it’s no big deal, or she could go against the one rule she had been steadfastly following for months now and stop feeling like she was constantly hiding something. It was a harder choice than she would admit because the comfort of her routine was nothing compared to the comfort of Cardan’s embrace and after a long day a part of her yearned to just stop thinking and let go of all her worries, it wasn’t like Cardan didn’t feel the same or would be surprised by her feelings, in fact he seemed way too smug the first time she admitted how she felt out loud.
And so, in a moment of bravery—which in hindsight felt silly, she hadn’t been as worried in battles, when faced with death and destruction as she was in this moment—she said as loudly as she could bring herself to, “I was thinking about you. About how much I love you.”
The fire continued to crackle, something Jude forced her entire attention upon as she came to terms with her uncharacteristically honest confession. Unsurprisingly, Cardan responded quickly, “How fitting, I was just thinking the same thing.”
Jude felt the tension leave her body at his words, feeling foolish for worrying about any of this. She turned her face into his chest so she could feel the warmth of his skin through his shirt.
“Really?” Her voice was soft and muffled in the fabric of his shirt.
“Always. You are entirely too distracting, my love. Even when I tried to convince myself to hate you, I was constantly thinking about how much I loved you.”
The words caused her breath to stutter, something about the offhand way Cardan could say things like that made her feel things she never imagined. He was truly gifted in getting under her skin in all the best ways, something she loved and hated at the same time.
“I hate you,” she whispered. “I hate that you just say things like that and expect me to do anything in response, it’s not fair at all.”
Jude could feel his smile as he a pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.
“Well, do you want me to stop then?” His voice was terrible at hiding the smile that was taking over his face. “After all, I never want to cause you pain, and the last thing I want is for you to hate me.”
Jude hated him, hated that he could get under her skin like this, but refused to be the only one being antagonized in the moment, “No, you don’t have to stop. Perhaps I should just take a page from your book and be alarmingly honest. I could say that even though its not fair that you say things like that, I feel the same, that even when I am determined to ignore you, I get pulled in and love you a little more.”
It was his turn to startle, after all, Jude’s strength was just as much in how she lied and hid things as it was in her skills as a warrior. Her honesty had definitely caught him off guard and hearing her verbalize things like that was a complete rarity. She smiled into his chest, knowing she had the upper hand.
Cardan’s voice filled the air, “When you were gone, I felt like my heart was on fire, like I had everything I needed to survive, but nothing I needed to live. I don’t think I could manage without you.”
“When you were a serpent,” Jude could feel Cardan stiffen under her at the words, but continued on, “I thought about keeping you forever, because I don’t think I could live with myself if you were dead, even if that meant living with something that wasn’t truly you for the rest of my life.”
The words hung in the air for a moment. Jude’s vulnerability surrounding them like an unfamiliar blanket.
After a few minutes, Jude forged on, “I think that I was scared that you dying would prove that everyone I loved would leave me. First my parents, even though that wasn’t their choice, then Madoc betrayed everyone and Vivi left to the mortal world, and after all my struggles with her by my side, even Taryn betrayed me at one point. So, I thought that if you left, then that was it, that I was a curse, that loving people ended in disaster. Which saying out loud feels stupid, because none of it was my fault, it wasn’t like I pushed them to do any of those things, but when everyone you love leaves, things don’t really have to make sense in reality to make you scared of them.”
Cardan’s arms curled tighter around her body, “Well, I can promise you this: I will never leave you, nor will I ever make you leave me again. You don’t get a choice now, Jude, I’m yours, forever. There’s no one else, nothing else, that will ever matter more to me.”
The spark in her chest was back as she heard the words, filling every part of her tired body with energy as she tilted her head up to look at him. And in the warmth of his arms, she smiled and whispered, “I love you, Cardan, more than I could ever say.”