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"I'm sorry, you what?" Beca asks, stunned at the words she's just heard come out of her best friend's mouth.
"I know that you've only recently broken up with Jesse, and you might not be ready to move on but I've had these feelings for", after a pause to catch her breath from rambling, Chloe continues with a sigh, "a while now, since I met you actually but I didn't dare say anything at first because I didn't want to scare you off but then you were with Jesse for so long and I sure did not want to ruin that, but now that we're, you know, starting over in New York and everything, I thought it was time I got that out of the way."
Chloe stops abruptly but does not look at Beca. Instead, she stares ahead, facing the New York lights that twinkle in the darkness as her face burns amid the cold air of a dark January night. She does not dare look at Beca because she knows that she cannot handle what she would see; a confused, slightly angry, slightly dumbfounded Beca.
After a few seconds of unbearable silence, Chloe thinks Beca has left and she remains alone on the rooftop of their new building; there is not the slightest movement or sound that indicates that Beca is still standing where she was moments ago. Still petrified of looking over her shoulder, Chloe asks with a broken voice: "Beca?" She mentally blames it on the cold that the tiny two syllables came out dissociated.
Beca does not know what to do. Never once in her life had she thought that she'd be on a rooftop of a building in New York, next to the gorgeously hot redhead she met at an activity fair of a college, out of all places, hearing her confessing her love for her after five years of knowing her and four of being her co-captain in an acapella group. She isn't angry, she isn't sad, she isn't disappointed or offended, but she isn't happy, thrilled, or excited either. She is only surprised; just sheer astonishment at the three little words she's just heard.
"Chloe, please tell me you're kidding. Tell me you were trying to make me laugh." She says, still expecting it to be a joke. "Tell me you didn't mean it, Chlo. Tell me it's a complete lie and you do not feel a single thing towards me."
"What?", Chloe asks this time turning towards Beca, as if the words that just hit her ears did not register in her brain, as if for some reason, her brain completely forgot how to speak English and did not understand the meaning behind Beca's sentences.
"We can't do this, Chlo." Beca somehow finds the strength to let out a small chuckle through her strained throat as she says that sentence. She is only speaking in short sentences, afraid that if she prolongs her sentences any longer, the tears perched on the corners of her eyes will spill and she won't be able to stop them.
"We can't?"
"Chlo, we're best friends. Come on, tell me you didn't mean to say it and- and nothing has to change between us." Beca is practically begging at this point. She knows what she's saying does not make any sense. She knows she's only hurting her best friend by ignoring and invalidating her feelings. She knows that she is screwing up big time. But her heart is beating too loudly for any chance of her rational thoughts actually stopping the words coming out of her mouth. The part she has worked hard and long to tame over the years surged out to the surface immediately. The walls she has managed to keep down for five years shot back up, skyrocketing in the blink of an eye. What it is that is happening, she does not know, but the Beca she has built since her freshman year in college has been shoved back in some dark corner of her brain and is currently slamming her head against the wall, cursing every word being said.
"No, yeah. I-", Chloe stops. She has to. She has to stop to swallow the bile rising in her throat and clear the strain before she continues. "I completely understand, I just thought-", once again she repeats her actions, only this time she fails at keeping her tears at bay and they swim down across her cheeks uncontrollably, fleeing the pools in which they've been held captive. "You know what, nevermind. We're cool. Best friends. Sure."
Chloe gives the brunette a small smile as she turns to leave and rushes towards the exit of the rooftop, wiping her tears only to be met by more coming down. She desperately wants to disappear before Beca notices her crying, but cannot help the sob that escapes her when her chest gets too tight for her lungs to handle. She walks as fast as her legs make it physically possible for her and eventually accelerates enough to jog a few steps before getting to the door of the staircase leading to their apartment.
Beca wants to go after Chloe, she really does. She wants to hold her tight and take back all the things she's said to her. She has never seen Chloe cry so much and it hurts her that she's the reason behind her tears. She didn't mean to make her cry after all. She didn't even know what she was doing. She has been attracted to Chloe too, that day when they met at the activities fair. Sure, as the weeks went by, she eventually gave up on her little crush and dismissed it as nothing further than a simple attraction. But Chloe was always different and she knew it. She never thought she'd let someone see through her or break down her walls, let alone make a home of the place she'd locked up for years. Chloe did though. Without even asking for permission, she did all these and so much more one step at a time. She'd taught Beca how to open up and let go and expose herself and that it's all okay because she was safe with someone who would never take advantage of that part of her.
Why she, so persistently, insisted on denying Chloe's feelings for her and locked up herself in her old cell again remains a mystery for her puzzled brain. Chloe, on the other hand, was quick to deny her feelings and refrain herself from saying anything that might further affect their friendship in a negative way - if that was even possible. She hid back her tears, or tried to at least, and gave Beca the sweetest smile, and just went back to the apartment; as if walking the path they've taken to get to the roof backward would help erase their conversation of the night.
Beca felt like an asshole for making Chloe cry, but most of all, she felt like an asshole for forcing a smile out of Chloe through her tears. This is when it really hit her. She made Chloe cry; Chloe Beale out of all people, the sweet little angel that always wants the best for her friends and fights to make it happen. Suddenly, the impact of her realization was too strong on her and the tears streaming down her cheeks against her will confirmed it. Instead of making it right, however, Beca sits down on one of the chairs laid out on the rooftop as she hugs her knees to her chest and buries her face in them, hiding her burning cheeks from the icy air of January. She lets herself cry out the hatred she mustered against herself in the last couple of minutes, hoping the tears she cries get Chloe even. They don't. They never will. But she keeps crying, nonetheless, simply because she cannot stop them anymore.
The redhead has been her best friend for so many years. She has been there through everything. She brought Beca out of her shell and taught her how to face the world one obstacle at a time because she stuck around. Yet when Chloe confessed her feelings for Beca, after years of holding them in, Beca only shoved her away and denied them. It must have been so hard for Chloe to gather up the courage to say them out loud, to confess her deepest emotions to her best friend. Beca somehow managed to ruin it. What the hell did she do?
Three stories down, a silently crying Chloe Beale faces the wall on her side of the bed, preparing herself to pretend-sleep if Beca enters through the door. She really does not want to discuss this any further. She has managed to dodge Amy's questions of the reason behind her eyes being "redder than your hair, Beale", and Beca being out so late on the rooftop because it's a "brass monkey weather out there!" Eventually though, by the time Chloe finished her shower and got ready for bed, Amy had fallen asleep, too tired to ask more about this and that.
So now she was left alone, muffling her cries in her pillow, her chest tight with pain and her throat tighter because of it. It's been too long since she's cried like that. Sure, she was stressed sometimes, angry some others, but never this sad. She poured her heart out, after an inner battle that lasted days and resulted in the foolish decision to tell Beca her true feelings towards her. But Beca did not even feel the same and her reaction was the last thing Chloe expected. The thought that she might have ruined their friendship is what hurts Chloe the most. It was the fact that she was so careless that, for a moment, she forgot the main reason that's been keeping her silent all those years; that she might lose Beca as a friend. Chloe has practiced so hard to keep her feelings for herself and has succeeded in doing so by repetitively telling herself that she should put Beca's comfort before her own and respect her relationship with Jesse. Now, however, it is all ruined, including the bond she once shared with her closest friend. She wishes she never gained the confidence to tell her how she felt because for a brief moment, it felt like flying, and now she has fallen and broken her shortly-grown wings and instead of soaring, she felt, in fact, more like dying.
As she keeps recounting the events of the nights, Chloe doesn't register the shy rays of sunshine making their way through the yellow curtains behind her. Her tears have dried long ago, sucked into her turquoise pillow that is now dotted with teal blue uneven patches. Her thoughts, however, have not stopped running around in her mind all night long. She can't help but turn to Beca's side of the sofa bed they share, in hopes that, in some kind of magical, mysterious way, Beca would be sound asleep in her spot on the bed and that last night did not happen. At first, Beca's smell is so strong that Chloe actually believes her small, sleeplessness-induced daydream to be true. Soon after she turns though, she is met with the immense absence left by the petite girl. Her heart shatters again, and Chloe thinks it might be impossible to restore it now.
Reluctantly, she removes herself from the bed, pushing the covers off her, as she puts on her clothes and gets ready for her day. As she walks through the door towards the small elevator, Chloe is met with a tiny, tired-looking frame, cracking her neck as she rushes down the stairs, and stumbling on some of them as she shakes herself to consciousness. Her eyes meet stormy ones and suddenly, the girl in front of her freezes. Chloe takes her in, quickly scanning her features as she analyzes the face she's come to learn by heart. Her eyes are swollen, her makeup from the day before is smudged, her hair is a complete mess, and it is obvious from her posture that she was not in the most comfortable position.
"You didn't come home last night," Chloe states the obvious with the smallest voice she's ever used. Her tone is the very opposite of her usual chirpy and confident one.
Despite that, the words still reach Beca as she replies with a hoarse voice, "Yeah I- I accidentally fell asleep on the rooftop."
A few seconds of wordless, lingering stares past, both girls continue on their initial paths, Chloe to the vet clinic she's interning at, and Beca inside the house to get ready for another day at work.
It is not until later in the afternoon, when Beca has just finished her shift and is walking home, that she notices how empty her day has been. Without Chloe continually texting her random pictures of cute animals she gets to examine, or hideous animal jokes that the vet makes, Beca feels a loss in her life. Her day has shifted from a rollercoaster of emotions that emerge with Chloe sending her a new text every time to plain emptiness, nothingness. She thanks God her day at work was not a busy one because she would not have been able to focus. Thoughts from last night's events kept coming back to her no matter how hard she tried to push them away, and she did try, so hard, until she didn't anymore and decided to rationalize with them instead; something Chloe had taught her to do a few years back. Walking home now, she thinks back to the conclusion she drew.
She loves Chloe. She's in love with her. But she doesn't want to be. She doesn't want the risk of ruining their friendship over a silly fight, or a long-distance relationship, or maybe even a divorce. She can hear Chloe in the back of her head telling her over and over again that the silly fight will happen but everything will be okay at the end like it always is, because they're Beca and Chloe, and that's what they do. She can hear her assuring her that she will work as hard as she can to prevent the long-distance relationship and that she'll try to be with her every step of the way. She can hear her swear that if she gets the chance to marry her, she will never want a divorce. Because it's Chloe, and when Chloe Beale loves, she puts her all into it.
A short walk later, Beca reaches the apartment and prepares herself mentally, as she pushes the key in its hole, to face Chloe after what happened last night because they cannot go on forever pretending nothing happened. Something, indeed, did and will forever change the type of their friendship. She opens the door to a strangely vacant apartment, however, the only sound is the one coming from the tiny shower next to Amy's bed.
"Chlo?" Beca calls out, hoping to get a response.
"Is that you, Shawshank?" The Aussie responds through the sound of running water.
"Amy? Where is Chloe?" Beca asks, a small feeling of worry crippling its way through her thoughts. Has Chloe decided to leave for good?
Poking her head through the curtain, Amy quickly answers Beca's doubts.
"Ginger said that she was going to Central Park for the afternoon but that she'll be home for dinner. She's been acting weird lately"
Beca can wait until Chloe comes home for dinner. The two of them will talk it out since Amy would be busy with her Fat Amy Winehouse show. Yet again, Beca saw what happened when the two of them last tried to talk something out. She needs to make things right with Chloe, and the longer she waits, the more complicated things will get. As a brief image of what dinner would look like with a distant Chloe Beale coming home and her awkward self not daring to open the conversation goes through her mind and she scratches all her early thoughts about waiting. Beca cannot wait for Chloe to come home for dinner. So instead she turns on her heels and sprints out the door, hurrying to catch the next bus leaving for NYC. As she runs towards the elevator she hears Amy's voice behind her, "Well that makes two of you now."
A little over an hour later, Beca has been walking in the park for a few dozen minutes now, searching particularly for red hair among a setting sun and artificial lights. It's harder than she thought, and Beca's about to give up when she sees a familiar pair of headphones resting atop messy red curls pulled back in a ponytail. She recognizes her best friend's jacket as well, confirming all the more that it is indeed her Chlo. Suddenly, Beca is overcome by mixed emotions; the need to go over and make it right with Chloe, and the fear of being rejected just like she rejected her last night. Her tongue is suddenly dry and she is very aware of the pounding against her ribcage. Her hands begin to tremble as she takes a step towards her, determined not to wait any longer. As she approaches the bench on which the redhead is sitting, all the words she ever learned slip away from her memory and she cannot remember a single one of them to start the conversation.
She soon decides against talking to Chloe and prepares herself to turn on her heels but is caught by ocean blue eyes blaring through the settling darkness. Chloe's eyes meet Beca's and she looks unfazed by the fact that Beca came all the way after her. Beca thinks Chloe's too tired to react at all, since, just like her, she must be feeling empty. So instead of running away, Beca, for the first time in her entire life, decides to face reality. She sits down on the bench, scoots closer to Chloe, and places her head on her shoulder, indulging her sweet scent and relishing in the comfort of her best friend's shoulder, the one she's come to on multiple occasions for the past few years. Chloe is still at first, but soon gives Beca her usual response of leaning her head on top of Beca's and holding her hand while caressing the back of it with her thumb, a gesture Beca's grown accustomed to.
"I love you, Chlo," Beca says, her voice a few notes above a whisper, as the remainder of her tears start falling again.
This is the most she has ever cried, Beca thinks.
"I love you too, Becs."
And it might all be worth it.