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Roman didn’t like to admit it, but he had some… insecurities. It’s something he needs to work on, and he knows that. And being in a new relationship wasn’t really helping. Well, new-ish, he supposed, it had been a few months since him and Janus got together, but they had been… a little rocky.
Especially since they practically hated each other when they first met. It took a long time for them to understand each other and figure everything out, and now they were together, and they were happy. Truly, Roman was very happy, but… sometimes his insecurities crept back in, hence the ‘rocky’ thing. And he’d noticed some things with Janus as well. They hadn’t been having arguments or anything, it was just… other, small things that got on his nerves.
One of the biggest things that set him off was how Janus would always hide his phone whenever Roman walked in. He hid a lot of stuff, actually. He’d sometimes go and lock himself in the bedroom or bathroom for long periods of time, practically silent, and Roman could never figure out if he was texting somebody else or not. Maybe it shouldn’t set him off the way it did, but it always made his insides boil with insecurity, was Janus hiding something from him? What if he was… cheating on him?
It kept him up at night, sometimes. But then Janus would roll over in their bed and curl up into Roman’s side and it would melt away, and he’d put his arm around his boyfriend and drift off into sleep. Of course Janus wasn’t cheating on him, he would never do such a thing.
… Then again, it wasn’t always so simple.
He was having a particularly bad day, he just couldn’t seem to get his mind to settle down and the thoughts to leave him be. So, of course, when he went to go find Janus, and found him in the bedroom, hiding his phone away as if he were a criminal being caught with the evidence as soon as Roman entered the room… Roman couldn’t quite convince himself he was overreacting.
And with that, he snapped. He wasn’t proud of it, but it just happened, emotions boiling over and making him act irrationally. He snapped and anger took over his normal anxious worry about the situation, and he growled, “Why are you always hiding your phone from me? Huh? Are you cheating on me?!”
Janus’ eyes grew wide and he shook his head, opening his mouth to deny the accusation, because of course, he wasn’t, but Roman was faster, snapping again, “Show me your phone then!” He demanded.
Janus swallowed, he was hesitating, he looked nervous, and that made Roman’s mind start screaming at him that that meant he was right and Janus must be hiding something from him. Fueled by all the times this had happened before and his head had been filled with insecurity now twisted into anger, he stormed over, snatched the phone from Janus’ hands and stormed out the bedroom, slamming the door harshly behind him.
And Janus was… frozen.
Roman just-- he- he was mad and- and-- he was angry and mad and upset- and he yelled, he’d never yelled at Janus like that before-- because he was angry- he was so angry--
Angry at him, because he kept hiding things. Like his phone. He knew he shouldn’t, no one liked it when you hid things from them (Of course they didn’t), but he just… it was an old habit, and habits are hard to break. Old habits die hard is what they say, after all.
But… that wasn’t an excuse, he’d still messed up. He clearly had, otherwise Roman wouldn’t have just yelled at him and… confiscated his phone? He wasn’t sure if Roman was going to give it back or not. Maybe if he found something he saw as bad. Janus didn’t think he had anything offensive or wrong on his phone, but he knew all too well that his opinion was often not shared and very much seen as the wrong opinion.
He knew because of his parents, his views and thoughts and feelings on things were always wrong to them. Something he had, on his phone for example, that seemed normal and innocent to him would be something his parents would find a way to exploit, make fun of him for, or tell him he was a freak for having it.
They were always making fun of him, he sometimes wondered how they even found so many things to make fun of, but maybe he was just that flawed. And if they weren’t doing that, then, well… his father, mostly, forever a man who liked his drink, and especially when he was drunk, everything Janus did was wrong. And wrong moves usually ended in pain.
Something in the back of his mind, one last screaming part of self-preservation that hadn’t been burnt away like most of it from all those years of living with his parents, always told him that it wasn’t right, and that it was an unfair and bad situation to be in, but he hadn’t managed to escape it until he was nineteen, and he was only twenty-one now.
Throughout most of his life he’d never had other relationships to compare with. He didn’t have many friends, barely any at all, acquaintances at best, and even then, if they were upset and angry about something, Janus avoided them at all costs. Because he didn’t know how to navigate that. He had no idea, even though they shouldn’t have any power over him, if they were angry, who was to stop them from taking it out on him?
Roman was his first romantic relationship, they’d technically met in highschool, but they didn’t get along then. Roman always used to bring out his fight instinct, and while he’d normally flight before anyone could yell at him or take a swing, he’d always bite back at Roman’s remarks. Roman never seemed to notice it was out of pure instinct instead of some sort of familiar back and forth of bitter banter between them.
But then they’d started to get to know each other, and although it took a long time (and a lot of Patton pushing them together), Roman managed to lower his walls and the guard he kept so tightly, they’d stopped throwing insults at each other and eventually got together. He hadn’t seen Roman angry or heard him say anything unkind to him in a long time.
But now he’d pushed Roman over the line. He pushed his sweet, caring boyfriend to breaking point. Because he was just a selfish, lazy screw-up. And, well, surely, Roman was going to react the same way? Why wouldn’t he? And so… well, that meant… would Roman really--?
Of course he would, you idiot, you made him mad, what else is he going to do!? His mind taunted him. He could feel his breathing rapidly picking up as he started to hyperventilate, his mind starting to fog up, his chest tightening as he sunk from the bed to the floor.
A million different things Roman could do, do to him, were running through his mind. He could just give him a simple slap, or he could do something more, he could punch or kick him, or he could take not only his phone, but other things too, even things that were necessary. He could not allow him to leave the house or hang out with all their friends… or he could just… break up with him.
He didn’t want any of those, of course he didn’t. Especially not the last one. But would he fight it…? He wasn’t even sure at that point, he wasn’t really in any fit state to fight as he sunk deep in a panic attack, and he knew he should at least try and stand up for himself and stop being so pathetic, but god, it was so difficult.
And, besides, really, he deserved it, didn’t he? He was the one who messed up and made Roman angry, it was his fault. So whatever punishment Roman deemed fit, right? That’s what his father always told him, that it was his fault and he messed up and it’s his problem to fix. Years and years of hearing the same words and reasons over and over again, seeping into his brain, and Janus couldn’t help but believe them.
And he didn’t see a reason it would be different with Roman. Of course, it was a completely different situation… but he still messed up. And he knew what happened when he messed up. It didn’t matter who it was, he was still a braindead idiot, wasn’t he? So he was still going to be punished, wasn’t he?
Sometimes, when he wasn’t in the middle of a panic attack because he knew his boyfriend was coming back any second to hit him, he could subdue the thoughts and taunting whispers of his parents voices to back of his mind. He’d been pretty much a hermit since he’d moved out of their house, but he went out with the group sometimes, and they were always nice and they laughed with each other and they would have friendly banter and teasing… and they never got mad at each other. And he’d think back to those moments and wonder if maybe all this time his parents really were wrong.
… But obviously not. They were clearly right, and he was a screw-up and he was a mess and a freak and he was so annoying and selfish and such a LIAR, he wasn’t even sure when he’d started spitting out lies to them to try and cover himself but it never worked, he’d only get it worse, because not only was he an annoying dumbass moron, he also a dirty liar.
He heard the door open. Oh god, he’s back and he’s still going to be so fucking angry-- And god, now Janus was in the middle of a panic attack, like a pathetic baby, and that was going to make Roman even more mad, and the punishments were always so much worse when he was having a panic attack--
He couldn’t see properly, his vision was blurred, with tears, most likely, but Janus couldn’t even tell at that point, and he kept squeezing his eyes shut, trying to quiet the voices in his head. They were so loud. They wouldn’t shut up--
Pathetic.
Weak.
Idiot.
Annoying.
SELFISH!
And then, through the haze and the mist, he heard a snippet of a voice, soft and gentle but laced with worry, familiar but oh-so far away, “...Jan, Janus, please, sweetheart you need to breathe, okay?”
And there it was, a sweet and gentle voice trying to… calm him. He briefly registered that no one else was in the house, so that must mean it’s Roman… Roman, trying to calm him, so soft when he should be angry and yelling. That… didn’t make sense.
His breath halted, stopping his ragged breathing altogether, as the shock of Roman being gentle was enough to snap him out of his panic for a mere moment. “Janny? Can you hear me? Can you breathe in and out for me, sweetheart?”
His brain was thrown for a loop, suddenly muddled and confused, trying to figure out what Roman wanted from him. He just had to do what Roman wanted. Roman… Roman asked him to breath, didn’t he? So… he needed to breathe? It was a strange request, incredibly strange actually, considering Roman should of been screaming and kicking him right then. But, after all, Roman was a kind soul, perhaps he didn’t want to do it while Janus was having a panic attack.
He was too kind. Janus didn’t deserve him.
“Breathe, honey, in for four…” It was hard, incredibly difficult, his chest was still so tight and he wanted to go find somewhere to hide and curl up and possibly cry, but Roman wanted him to breathe, so he needed to do that. If he did what Roman said then… it would be better, right? Roman would go a little easier on him.
He followed along with Roman’s instructions, but he fell out of the loop, chest heaving as his breathing picked up again, turning ragged, and through his now slightly more clear vision, he saw the red and white blob that was Roman move back. Shit, shit shit- no no, i’m sorry, i’m sorry--
And suddenly his internal thoughts were spilling out his mouth, broken, nonsensical and desperate apologies, as tears prickled in his eyes and started to fall down his face. Of course he hadn’t escaped the punishment, he hadn’t given Roman any reason to let him off, especially not after having a panic attack like that.
“I’m sor- sorry, please, i’m sorry i’m sorry-- don’t-- i’m sorry, please don’t--” He choked on his own words, a sob retching from his throat. God, why was he such a mess? It’s no wonder people hated him so much. He hated him.
“I- What? Don’t... don’t what, Jan…?” Roman’s voice came, sounding strangely pained and confused, sort of like a kicked puppy. Before he could even process why Roman sounded like that and why he had even bothered to ask, it was obvious, wasn’t it?, the answer was slipping out of his mouth.
“D-don’t hit me, please…” It came out as a mere whisper, and it was so pathetic, so weak and desperate, that Janus wouldn’t be surprised if it made Roman want to hit him more.
But Roman?
He couldn’t believe it. He was stood, frozen on the spot, heart completely shattering. Hit him? Roman would never, ever do such a thing. He couldn’t even imagine ever hurting his love like that. Why would Janus think such a thing?
He was curled up on the ground, hands tugging at his hair, tears streaming down his face, desperately trying to breathe, begging Roman not to hurt him. He thought… he thought Roman was going to just carelessly hit him?
Why? He hadn’t--
The phone. Of course, when Roman had practically screamed at him and stolen his phone, it obviously freaked Janus out. But he hadn’t expected this… he hadn’t expected Janus to be completely terrified, breaking down on the floor of his bedroom.
He’d never seen Janus react like that befo--
Oh. Oh.
Suddenly he realised, and everything came crashing down on him. Of course. He hadn’t seen it. Janus had told him before that he was sensitive to sound, but Roman didn’t read into it that much. Maybe he should have.
Anytime someone was angry, whether it be the neighbours or someone on the tv, if there was loud yelling and genuine anger, Janus would leave the room. One minute, he was there, and Roman would turn away, and the next second, he’d look back and Janus was gone. And then he’d be gone, for however long, locked in a room by himself, or having left the house with no explanation.
Because he was panicking. He left, ran off, so Roman wouldn’t see it, and dealt with it by himself. Roman felt awful. Why had he never bothered to check on him? Well, of course, he’d gone and knocked on the door and asked why Janus had locked himself in the bathroom, but he never stayed or persisted, or tried to coax Janus out to ask him what was wrong. Because he never bothered to consider that something was even wrong in the first place.
He was such a shit boyfriend. God, he should of known, should of picked up on something. He’d always thought that Janus just had a sort of up and down personality, that him being in the middle of the flirty banter one second and then going to find a corner to sit in alone the next was just because he was like a yoyo, just up and down like that, like it was a joke.
All the times that Janus ran off by himself, hid things, suddenly backed down from a conversation, and would say he was just tired or something… it added up to something, something Roman didn’t like. The idea that someone had hurt him in the past, and left scars and marks all over his life.
And worst of all, that he hadn’t had the time or resources to try and heal it. That he was stuck in some sort of broken mindset, conditioned to think he would be punished.
“Oh… oh Janny, no, no no darling, i would never hit you. Never ever in a million years would i ever lay a hand on you.” He forced himself to keep a calm, steady voice, even with the now growing anger inside of him. He kneeled down, holding out his hand non-threateningly, “I promise, sweetheart, i don’t know why you would think i would, but i would never.”
Janus shook his head, as if he didn’t believe it, which only made Roman’s heart ache further. “I- i don’t- you- you’re m-mad-” He stuttered out, Roman shushed him gently, “I’m so sorry baby, i shouldn’t have gotten mad like that, i promise i’m not mad anymore. You need to breathe, okay? Breathe for me, please?”
He slowly coaxed Janus into trying the breathing exercises again, and he gently took Janus’ hand to hold to his chest so Janus could follow along with him. His boyfriend stilled at the movement, but as Roman counted out the breaths, he followed along. It took a while, a few slips ups that Roman quickly reassured Janus was okay, and more gentle reassurances about how well he was doing as they went through the steps.
Eventually, his breathing went back to normal, and a silence settled between them. Roman didn’t let go of his hand, lowering it to his lap and holding it tight, not enough to hurt, just enough for Janus to know that Roman was there, and reassure him once more that everything was okay and safe.
He hoped it was working.
“I-” Janus spoke up suddenly, voice quiet, “I’m sorry.” Roman shook his head, using his other hand to slowly tuck a few stray strands of hair that had fallen over Janus’ face behind his ear, “You didn’t do anything wrong, my love. This is my fault.”
Janus frowned at that, looking at their hands in Roman’s lap, “But i… even though you… said you wouldn’t… you know… i still-- i still messed up and kept hiding my phone from you--” Roman cut of Janus’ ramble, which was slowly turning frantic again, shaking his head once more, “No, no i was wrong. I shouldn’t have taken your phone, that was extremely out of line. And of course, you weren’t doing anything wrong anyways, i know you would never cheat on me, it's just… insecurities.”
He sighed, “It’s something i need to work on, and not something i should take out on you. Ever. And i apologize. I left your phone in the other room, i can go get it if you’d like. And of course, if you want a break from me, that’s perfectly fine.”
Janus looked into his eyes, undoubtedly surprised by his words, “You… you aren’t going to confiscate my phone?” Roman frowned deeply, “No, of course not. Why would i do that?” Janus shrugged, taking his hand away from Roman’s to cross his arms across his chest, almost hugging himself, “I.. i don’t know. I guess i just… i just thought that’s how it worked.”
“How… what worked?” Roman asked, somewhat hesitantly, he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer, the confirmation would be so hard to hear. Janus swallowed, shrugging again, “I… i guess just- just how it worked? I… i made you annoyed… and well, since you aren’t going to hit me why wouldn’t you take my phone instead? Or… some other kind of punishment, like not letting me leave the house or something… that’s… that’s just always how it’s worked…”
Always…? He blinked a few times, furrowing his brows. But that would mean… “Your… your parents. They treated you like that, didn’t they?” He said out loud as the realisation hit him. Of course. ‘Always’. He forced back the growing anger, Janus didn’t need to see that, even as it was boiling up inside of him at the idea of his love being abused for his entire life and not knowing any different.
“I…i’m sorry-” Janus looked like was about to cry again, and Roman couldn’t hold back any longer, pulling his boyfriend into his arms. He wrapped his arms around Janus securely, holding him to his chest, Janus’ head leaning on his shoulder.
Janus was stiff for a moment, but as the warmth of the hug surrounded him and Roman’s whispers in his ear registered, “I’m so sorry that happened to you sweetheart. I’ve got you now, you’re safe. You’re safe with me baby, i promise.” He couldn’t help but melt into it, tears flowing down his cheeks and he let out small, quiet sobs.
They sat like that for god knows how long, Roman holding Janus close, promising him safety and care and love. It was all Janus ever really wanted. Roman wouldn’t hurt him. There was no punishment.
Everything, for once, … was okay.