Chapter Text
It was three am. Jungkook had no idea how this always happened. It was only supposed to be five more minutes. Just five. Why did he do this to himself?
He had entered one of those social media spirals where one post led into another until he was scrolling through articles in some random niche corner of the internet. Today’s topic of interest: asexuality. A random Twitter screenshot of a Tumblr post about the asexuality spectrum had piqued his interest and now he was knee deep in an existential sexuality crisis.
At three a.m.
Because that was the mood.
Jungkook eyed the clock at the top of his screen with annoyance. The number changed as the minute passed. It felt decidedly mocking.
Instead of doing the responsible thing—namely going to sleep—he pointedly chose to ignore it.
A comment on the video he had been watching caught his attention as he continued scrolling. It was just an offhand remark about some kind of app for ace people. He never would’ve seen it if he wasn’t so far down in the comments, but it piqued his interest. A quick internet search told him that it was essentially a dating app for ace people.
From what Jungkook had seen so far, the community of asexual people was quite small. There were few centralized organizations where he could get more information, and hardly any platforms where he could talk to an actual person about what it was he was feeling. Or what he was not feeling. That was debatable.
The idea of being able to talk it all out with someone was very appealing, but it also scared him. Jungkook had never really put himself out there so blatantly and he would have to actually talk to people. That was well out of his realm of expertise.
It was also a big step to take. Jungkook had just wanted more information on a topic he was interested in. Downloading an app meant only for asexual people was much more than simply educating himself on the topic. It meant actively acknowledging that he was questioning his sexual identity.
He didn’t know if he was ready. If it would even change anything.
Still, something deep inside him couldn’t help but want to satiate his curiosity. Maybe it wouldn’t change anything, but at least then he would know.
Besides, it’s not like he was committing to anything. He didn’t have to make any kind of decision about himself at this ungodly hour. At the end of the day, he could always just delete it. No harm no foul. At least it would quiet that tiny corner of his mind. It was better than having an unrelenting ‘what if?’ hanging over his head for the rest of his life.
The asexual-themed icon blinked up at him from his screen, and he hit the download button before he could give it too much thought. Pulling up the app, he was greeted with an ace of spades logo as the login and signup page loaded.
Oh. This was going to be a whole thing. He had to make an entire account. That...was distinctly above his three am effort threshold.
Maybe this was the universe’s way of telling him that it was time to sleep. Jungkook took a moment to evaluate the pros and cons of sleeping versus fully committing to the bad sleep schedule lifestyle.
A low battery notification popped up.
He sighed.
Fine. Sleep it was.
He briefly fumbled for his charger and plugged in his phone before haphazardly plopping it on to his bedside table. Rolling over, Jungkook settled down into a comfortable position and allowed the jaws of sleep to swiftly swallow him into its abyss.
***
Jungkook fuzzily registered a bright ping from his phone. He didn’t even bother to open his eyes, just felt blindly along his nightstand—sending at least one pencil clattering to the ground in the process—until his hand fell on his phone.
Despite knowing that he would hate himself for the brightness, Jungkook opened his eyes a sliver in a futile attempt to reduce the glow as he brought the phone up to his face. A purple notification met his wincing gaze, and he squinted even further. None of his social media notifications were that shade of purple, so what—?
The reminder of his late night deepdive had him groaning.
No.
It was way too early for this.
He tossed his phone onto the bed next to him with a huff and turned to bury his face in the pillow. That was a problem for future Jungkook to think about.
In the light of day and with a rested mind, his revelation from the previous night seemed so much more far-fetched. He couldn’t help but doubt everything he’d identified so heavily with the night before. Every spark of validation and acceptance, every relatable meme. It all seemed a little...dubious. Like maybe he’d just tricked himself into thinking he identified with this group, when in reality, he just needed to find the right person and get over his snags.
He should just stop being so overdramatic and not tickle the fins of a sleeping whale. Delete the app and forget it even existed.
Still, he couldn’t deny how happy it had made him. Like someone understood him for the first time in his life. It was validating. He felt less alone, knowing that his experiences weren’t isolated.
He hadn’t identified with every single thing every resource had said, but they also emphasized that he didn’t need to. Everyone’s sexuality was different, and Jungkook’s just seemed to fit so well into the ace spectrum.
The promise of community and understanding was alluring. He had never considered it possible before.
He couldn’t help the yearning and the shy, growing excitement fluttering through the air. He tried to suffocate himself and his volatile emotions in his pillow, but couldn't even stifle the coil of anticipation in his spine or the warmth in his cheeks.
So much for thinking about it later.
Deep breath. All right.
Releasing himself from the confines of his pillow, he sat up. He tapped his cheeks briskly as if patting courage into his skin. He could do this. There was no harm in seeing what it was all about. His personal information could be kept private; no one would ever even know he was there.
But he would know.
He staunchly tamped down the whisper coming from the depths of his heart.
Instead, he seized his phone. He was determined to see this through.
“Let’s get it.” He muttered, filling in his details. “Let’s get this bread.”