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It doesn’t happen all at once, no, because these things are never as easy as that.
Everything starts with Camille, of course- she’s the one who gives the initial push and makes it so that all of Alec’s carefully placed tiles start to fall, one after the other, until there’s nothing left standing.
To be fair, though, it’s not actually Camille’s fault that everything falls apart so easily. Magnus is to blame for the rest.
Alec hadn’t really anticipated it to be such an issue- he had expected Magnus eventually to start opening up about his past, about their future together.
In hindsight, maybe he should just have taken that blasted vampire up on her offer- alas, at the time it had felt petty, and slightly childish, so he had refused her.
Which actually brings us here, to Alec breaking his own heart in order to spare himself even more pain in the long run.
Because yes, Alec loves Magus- he loves him a lot- but he’s not going to commit himself to someone who is not going to do the same in return, particularly in a situation such as theirs. He won’t spend his whole mortal life with Magnus if there’s even a remote chance that he’s not taking their relationship as seriously as Alec is doing. It’s taken him a long time to realize it, but now he’s reasonably sure that he deserves more than that. He only has one lifetime, after all, and probably a very short one. He wants something real; he wants to be loved completely and without reserve. Ideally, he wants to be loved by Magnus- but Magnus is holding back, he’s holding back a lot, and that just won’t work.
So yeah, it seems that Alec is going to have to do the dirty work himself.
“You can’t be serious,” Magnus looks shell-shocked, a frown marring his usually smooth forehead. “You’re really breaking up with me over this?” This being the fact that there’s another ex of Magnus’s that has resurfaced from the woodwork, and Magnus is refusing to tell Alec anything about her, past the “It’s an old story, angel, let’s leave the sleeping dogs alone, shall we?”
So yeah, Alec is breaking up with him over this, but this happens to be also just the tippy top of a fucking huge iceberg.
“You know just as well as I do that the fact that you’re going out for coffee with Miriam-whatshername is not the issue here” Alec points out with a glare, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Again with that story, Alexander? Why are you so bothered by the fact that I just want to let the past stay where it is? I don’t have an especially nice life story, you know, forgive me if I don’t want to rehash any of my issues with you” Magnus sounds exasperated as he says it, arms thrown wide in emphasis.
But what’s worse is that what Magnus has just said has missed the point by freakin’ miles.
“It bothers me because one day I’ll be part of that history, too, Magnus,” he says it as calmly as he can, but he can’t help the coldness seeping into his words.
Magnus’s eyes soften immediately, “Oh, darling-”
And Alec can just tell what Magnus is going to say, something probably along the lines of you’re different, love and you’re special, angel, but for some reason, he can’t stand to hear it now. Because Alec is serious, and he doesn’t want to be fed any more bullshit- and partially also because who’s to say that Magnus didn’t say such things to his old lovers, too?
So he does the only thing he can think of to spare his heart any further pain.
“No, you know what?” he stands up as he says it, cutting short Magnus’s surely charming and lovely spiel about the uniqueness of their love or any such lies, “We’re done”
He stalks to the door and lets himself out without even sparing Magnus another glance.
-
Once Alec makes a decision, whatever it may be, you can be sure that come hell or high water he will always stick to it. Always.
So he blocks Magnus’s number on his phone, avoids the warlock as best as he can, and tells his siblings to do the same.
He throws himself into his work instead, joining in as many missions as he can and chasing the adrenaline of the hunt to keep the pain of his heartbreak at bay.
It’s when he almost gets himself killed on the job that someone steps in to say something- and to Alec’s eternal shame, that someone is Jace, of all people. Jace.
His parabatai lectures him for what feels like fucking hours, pacing restlessly before Alec’s infirmary bed.
You getting killed won’t solve anything, he says, you can’t deal with your feelings this way.
And when Alec dares to point how hypocritical all of this sounds when coming from him, Jace simply breaks down and tells him that he’s aware of it, but he can’t stand seeing Alec acting this way. He begs –begs- Alec to please find other, less harmful ways to deal with his broken heart without getting fucking killed in the process.
Alec caves in- because of course he does, it’s not like he can resist Jace’s puppy dog eyes anyway, something Jace is perfectly aware of.
-
And see that right there? That is the reason why, instead of being productive and chasing demons, he’s currently dancing naked on a table, two people at his sides, and a huge joint between his lips.
“‘ss Jace’s fault” he mumbles around the filter, eyes closed as he tries to lose himself in the moment.
The man he’s dancing with, a cute Seelie with dark hair and sparkly eyes, laughs merrily at his words.
He spends the rest of the night with him; partly because the man’s handsome and he looks like he knows what he’s doing, but mostly because there’s a big part of him that doesn’t want to spend another night alone, even if he’s aware that he’s not even remotely over Magnus yet, and that some part of him will ache with shame and guilt the moment he’ll wake up in another’s bed in the morning.
-
It’s incredibly late when he manages to go back to the Institute.
His mind is still a bit hazy from the drugs and the thorough physical session with the Seelie, so it takes him a moment to realize his bed is not as empty as he’d previously thought.
He’s in the middle of getting out of his filthy clothes when he realizes it- there’s a man inside his room, sitting on his bed.
“Fuck” he swears, startled, before raising his eyes to meet the very, very unamused ones of Magnus Bane.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asks, and it’s a testament to how much out of it he is that he doesn’t blush under the warlock’s dark gaze.
“Had a fun night, didn’t you, darling?” Magnus asks in lieu of an answer, lips drawn tight as if he’s barely restraining himself from throttling him.
Alec frowns “Don’t see how i’ss any of your concern” he says, words slightly slurred together.
Magnus’s eyebrows reach his hairline, now “Are you high?!” he asks, so surprised he forgets he’s supposed to be angry.
Alec snickers, because God, Magnus’s reaction is priceless “Of course I am, angel” he answers, mimicking Magnus’s usually dulcet tones “how am I supposed to deal with this-” he gestures towards the warlock currently occupying his bed at fuck-knows-what hour of the night “-otherwise?”
There’s an unmistakable flash of pain in Magnus’s eyes at his words, and Alec frowns.
“No, don’n be sad” he says, “S’s not your fault if you don’t love me enough” he shrugs “I get it,” he says, because he does. He must be a very difficult person to love if so many people have trouble with it.
Magnus sighs, looking suddenly very old.
“Come on, get in,” he says, the same way a tired parent would say it to a naughty child, “You’re still drunk. We’ll talk more about it when you’ll be able to string more than two words together without getting side-tracked”
-
Magnus is not there in the morning, and Alec thinks he might have just dreamed it.
To his surprise, however, he finds a leather-bound journal laying rather innocuously on his nightstand, a journal that he definitely has never seen before, let alone put it next to his bed.
Alec’s eyes widen with the realization that yes, the night before happened. It wasn’t a dream.
With his heart hammering fast into his ribcage, he reaches out and picks the offending object up, opening it in his lap with shaky fingers.
Alexander, it reads on the first page.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay this morning, but I have important business to attend to, and I really have to go.
There’s a reason I came by, though, and it was to give you the book you’re now reading.
It’s a journal. Read it, please. When you’re done, you can either choose to wash your hands of me and my troubles-and I wouldn’t blame you for that if that were the case- or maybe you could take me back. If that is the case, on the other hand, I encourage you to stop by the loft as soon as you’re done. It doesn’t matter if it’s late at night or if you’re high or drunk or whatever. I mean it.
I will be waiting.
Love,
Magnus
-
The tale of Magnus’s life, as it turns out, is devastatingly complex and poses just as many questions as it answers, if not more.
But despite his confusion and the glaring lack of clarity on Magnus’s part, Alec can see the effort the warlock must have put into writing the journal.
As far as gestures of goodwill are concerned, this is a pretty big one.
And so there’s only one thing left to do.
The moment he closes the book for good, Alec is out of the Institute and running at full tilt towards Brooklyn.
He presses his thumb on the button of the intercom and waits, waits, waits until there’s finally Magnus’s voice, “Who dares bother the High Warloc-”
“It’s me, Magnus” Alec cuts him off, laughing shakily because God, that ridiculous question and that ridiculous voice and fuck, he needs to see him now.
He takes the stairs two at a time until he’s finally standing face to face with his lover.
“You look like shit,” he blurts out, because it’s true- Magnus looks like he hasn’t slept for days.
Magnus lets out a loud, startled laugh at that and lunges forward, throwing himself into Alec’s arms.
They’re not alright, not yet- but as of now, Alec is reasonably sure that they will be.