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“Ever since I was a kid,” he began. “Mikasa.”
His tone was cold. His eyes, once sparkling, were dull, cold. His words were harsh. She couldn't recognize who he had become.
“I’ve always hated you.”
She shakes her head as tears form in her eyes. She struggles to hold them back, whimpering, because of his harsh, cold, dull, words. She’s trembling as she tries to stay still, keep her hands on the table, to keep from angering him. Mikasa’s tears threaten to spill.
“Eren!” Armin shouts, and Mikasa turns to look at him. His face is full of pain, anger, and a hint of betrayal.
How could Eren, the one she had joined the Scouts for, risked everything for him, how could he say these words?
“How dare you!” He shouts, lunging across the table, fist clenched to swing. She stops him. Slams him down, and she doesn't know why. Instinct. No, she shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. It can't be true.
Armin looks at her in shock, and she lets go of him, backing away. “N-no,” she says, looking at her own hands.
Eren isn’t fazed, in fact, it seems like he was waiting for her to do just that. “See? All you've ever done is live according to what your Ackerman blood has told you to do.”
His words hurt. They cut, she's bleeding out, but he doesn't help her. He doesn't clean her up or whisper soothing words. No, he's the one holding the blade. He holds the blade and it drips red. Her blood. His knife. At that moment, she can’t focus on anything except his words.
“In other words, a slave.”
“...faithful to your Ackerman instincts.”
“A slave.”
“I’ve always hated you.”
No, it can't be true.
Why not?
It just can't.
It makes sense.
No.
“That's all you are.”
Mikasa forces herself to look at him, and she tries her hardest to see who he was, who he should be. She can’t find him.
Armin cries out, and his fist connects with Eren’s nose. He doesn't flinch. Mikasa doesn't try to stop him or pull Armin back.
“It’s fine,” he tells one of his comrades, facing Armin. His nose is bleeding. “So, Armin. We’ve never fought before, huh?”
He walks towards Armin, and Mikasa can only watch. She can only watch as Eren’s fist connects with Armin’s face, once, twice, three times. She can only watch as Eren tells Armin that he could never put up a fight, and it’s true. Armin’s not a fighter. He should have never been forced to become a fighter. He was never a fighter. She can only watch as Eren hurts Armin cruelly, and she knows that she should stop him.
But she can't. She can't move her limbs to stop him. Mikasa could beat Eren in a physical fight, they all know. She could force him to his knees, slam him to the ground, stop him from hurting Armin.
But she can't.
She can only watch.
Why? She thinks, as Armin curls up, his arms shielding his head from Eren’s fists. Why can’t I fight against him? I'm strong.
“Just...stop!” She chokes out. She can't fight him. She can't. She's weak.
Eren stops, huffs a breath. He says words, not to her. To his comrades; The ‘Yeagerists.’ What a stupid name. Mikasa rushes to Armin, cradles him in her arms, holds him tight. His face is ruined, bloody and bruised, and it’s all because of the man in front of them.
A man they once knew.
A stranger.
Who is he? She doesn't recognize him anymore.
Where did Eren go? Why did he leave in the first place?
“Tell me where Zeke is,” he says. “There’s no need for us to fight.”
Mikasa looks at Armin, unable to say a word. Fight? She can't fight. Armin fought, and he was beat. She's the only one who even stands a chance against him, but she can’t fight. She can't.
She can't. She can't fight.
Why?
She just can't.
Is it because of what he said?
What?
Is it because of who he is?
No.
So it’s because of who he once was, then.
No.
No? Then why? Why can’t you fight? Which reason is it?
None of them. All of them?
She just can't fight him.
“A slave.”
“I’ve always…”
It’s loud. Too loud. She has a headache. It’s pounding her skull, just like Eren beat her already wounded heart to a tiny, tiny pulp. It hurts, just like how he hurt her.
“Take them away,” he says, “the brat who killed Sasha too.”
The ‘brat,’ Gabi, gasps, scared, terrified of Eren. Mikasa looks at her, the mention of her old friend sending a flare of pain through her chest, but she doesn’t feel any sort of hatred towards her. It wasn't Gabi’s fault. She didn't know who Sasha was, how much she meant to them. She didn't know what she was doing. It was only war. How could she blame a little girl for taking the life of one person when she’s done the same thing? When Eren’s done the same thing, but so much worse? Sasha didn't deserve to die. But it wasn’t Gabi’s fault. No, it wasn't her fault at all.
So who’s fault was it? And why did it have to be Sasha? She has too many questions, and no answers. Mikasa looks away, and Armin shifts in her arms.
“And?” Armin croaks out, “What is it you even wanted to say?”
Eren looks back and down at him, eyes still empty, dull.
“Is that the freedom you wanted? The freedom to hurt Mikasa? Tell me…” he coughs.
Mikasa is shocked that Armin has the strength to say that. Her heart pangs of guilt; it’s her fault that he’s this beaten. If she just stepped in, fought back, he wouldn't be so hurt. It’s her fault that she can’t fight, not anyone else’s, she realizes.
When Mikasa looks back at Eren, his face holds emotion, and she realizes that it’s been months since she’s seen him show it. It’s shock mixed with anger and confusion. Shocked that Armin had even said anything, angered because he’s always been angry. And he’s confused…
...because of Armin’s words.
The freedom to hurt her.
“Who’s the real slave to a piece of shit?”
Mikasa sucks in a sharp breath. Eren grits his teeth and makes a noncommittal noise, a slight whimper. His eyes only hold anger, but Mikasa sees the pain behind them.
Why is he in pain?
“Who are you calling a slave?” Eren forces out through a clenched jaw. “Let’s go.”
Mikasa doesn’t fight back when his comrades point a gun at her. She picks up Armin easily, and follows Eren to the dungeons, all while thinking:
Why is he in pain? Why can’t she fight? Why isn’t she strong enough to fight? Why? Why?
Eren grimaces as he feels the blood leaking from his nose steam and dry up. He looks at his reflection in the mirror, looks directly into his own eyes, angry. Pained.
It had gone just as planned, right? So why did it hurt him so much?
He knows the exact reason why.
She had believed his words. A lie that he fabricated, helped by Zeke and her own habits. He made up the reason why she got frequent headaches, and she believed him easily. Of course she did. She trusted him blindly, and he used that to his advantage.
You took advantage of her?
What? No.
But you just said it?
It was for good reason.
Was it?
…
The freedom to hurt her, right? You have that.
…
Right?
Armin’s words. He did have the freedom to hurt Mikasa, hurt Armin, but what gave him the right to do so?
Eren thinks back to his lie. If they were smart, they would know he was lying. It makes sense in multiple ways, but only to Mikasa. The ‘bond’ only applies to Mikasa. If they had remembered that Captain Levi didn’t have a bond to anyone, they would figure out he was lying.
The ‘bond’ didn't exist. Mikasa chose to love him because of her own heart, not because she was possessed by her old ancestors. She didn’t get headaches because of her ‘old self trying to find her again,’ that was something Eren made up. Her instinct to protect him came from herself, and in the heat of the moment, it was something that she couldn't realize. All for the better. The less she knew about it, the more she was willing to believe it.
Okay, but why? Why hurt them?
He stares into the mirror, thinking of her, of Armin, of all of his friends. He thinks of Sasha, remembers her laugh, her smile, the twinkle in her eyes. It hurts, all of it. She died, and he couldn't prevent it. Even after he told them that he wanted them to live long lives.
Sasha would never get a long life. She was dead. Shot and killed by a tiny little girl. Gone, just like that.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
She was dead.
Tears jumped into his eyes when the truth bites him, hard and unforgiving. Gone, dead, and he never got the chance to say goodbye.
Your fault.
He knows.
Why didn't you stop it?
He can’t. Couldn't. Eren couldn't stop it from happening, no matter how hard he wished.
Mikasa needed to be out of this cell. She was pacing back and forth, feeling the gaze of Hange, Armin, everyone. She needed to know why he had lied to her.
It made sense at the time, when Eren explained it. It made perfect sense. But in the cell, away from him, his reasoning started to sound shaky. Armin pieced it together before she did, and it was no surprise. He had always been smarter, better at making decisions, than she was.
The more they thought about it, his words started to make less sense.
“Why would he say something like that? It’s obvious that Eren didn’t hate you as a kid.” Armin had wondered out loud.
Mikasa thought about it. If Eren truly hated her, no child would be able to hide it so well.
“Then..” she looked directly into Armin’s blue eyes, beautiful, once shining. Now so dull. “Why would he say that?”
“Well, if I have to guess, he’s trying to protect us.”
“Protect us? By hurting us? By hurting you?”
Armin touches his cheek, wincing when he feels that it is still sore. Mikasa winces as well, she hates it when other people hurt.
“Because...he has to be planning something. He wants to protect us from that.”
“But my headaches,” she points out. “It makes sense.”
Who am I? She thought.
Armin sighs. “Everyone knows you get frequent headaches. Besides, you forget that you're not the only Ackerman around.”
Armin’s right, of course he is. He’s always right. Captain Levi was an Ackerman too, and he didn’t seem to have any sort of bond to anyone. He’s never complained about skull splitting headaches. It made sense. Eren lied to her.
Wait, but why? Why would he lie to her about that? Force her through that pain, all for it to be some sort of ruse. It didn't make sense. She needed to find out the truth. For the first time since a while, since that fateful night in Marley, her fire rekindled.
It felt like a match dropped onto a pile of logs. It began to burn through her, and she felt strength surge through her, just like she had used to feel. She straightened her back, and she felt strong again. Just like she had used to.
She felt like she could fight.
Mikasa closed her eyes. The fire licked at her heart, soothing it, strengthening it, and her eyes flew back open. She needed to know.
She gripped the iron bars of the cell, shouting to the nearest guard. “Let me out.”
He laughed at her sleazily, loosely holding a shotgun in his chubby arms. “Not a chance.”
“Let me out,” she said slowly, “or so help me god, I’ll pull these bars apart with my own two hands.”
“Mikasa.”
Armin’s voice. She ignored him.
“What are you doing?”
“Let me out.” she said.
“No.”
“Now.”
The guard rolled his eyes, and Mikasa found herself staring down the barrel of a gun.
“Mikasa!”
Mikasa held her hand up, signalling for Armin to let her be.
“Shoot me. I dare you.”
The guard snickered, finger on the trigger. “Normally, I wouldn’t be so quick to shoot such a pretty lady like you, but since you're a traitor to the Eldians, it won't hurt my conscience too much.”
Fingers gripped on cold metal.
A breath.
She grabbed the gun a split second before it shot, the bang making her ears ring. It was smoking, and the guard’s eyes were on the ceiling, where the bullet hit. His mouth was gaping, eyes shocked. Mikasa wrenched the gun out of his hands and calmly pointed the gun at him.
“I'll say it one more time. Let me out of this damn cell.”
Fingers fumbled over keys as he rushed to unlock the cell door. She dropped the gun on the ground. Armin scrambled over to her, and he clutched her wrist in his small hands.
“Mikasa!” his eyes were full of surprise, and Mikasa wasn't shocked to see it. “Where are you going?”
“To find him.”
“Mikasa…” Armin eyed the gun on the ground and shuddered. “The last time..”
“I know.” She cut him off, pushing open the door and side stepping the petrified guard. “I have to know. I have to know why he's lying to us. Why he's doing this.”
“But,” Armin began, hand still clutching her wrist. “Can you fight him?”
Mikasa’s gaze hardened to stone. “Yes. I can.”
I'm strong, she thinks.
Are you though? The tiny little voice in the back of her head speaks up again.
Yes, she is.
She’s strong.
“I’m strong, Armin.”
Mikasa races through the palace, avoiding everyone in her path. She races towards the one place where she knows that he’ll be. She needs to know. Every fiber of her being is screaming at her to fight.
Fight! Fight!
Will you be able to fight him if the time comes?
Fight! Fight!
Will she? She doesn't know.
Are you strong enough to beat him?
Yes.
But you can't. You can't fight him.
Yes.
Why is that?
Yes, why is that?
She doesn't know.
Fight! Fight! Her body screams.
Eren stares out of the window, looking at the stars. It reminds him of a time when he was younger. Armin took the three of them stargazing, and he pointed out all of the constellations scattered in the sky. So long ago.
So, so long ago.
He sighs. Breathe in, breathe out. Fight.
Wake up, fight.
Fight.
Until there’s nothing left for him to fight.
Fight, until he has his freedom.
Fight.
A knock on the door jolts him out of his thoughts. He snaps his head to look, narrowing his eyes in the process.
“Who’s there?” He asks.
Louder knocking. No, it’s more like banging. The handle jiggles, but it’s locked.
“What do you want?” He sighs.
More persistent knocking, and Eren is ready to wrench open the door and threaten whoever is out there. The knocking stops, and then-
CRASH.
The door gets kicked open, lock ripping through the side of the frame. What? Who would ever do that?
Mikasa.
Mikasa is outside his door. His heart stops. He freezes in place, mouth open in shock. He looks at her, eyes full of surprise, but only for a second. He resumes his masked calm, almost bored.
“What are you doing, Mikasa?”
She pushes into him, hands grabbing his shirt collar and forcing him farther back into the room. Using all of her strength, she shoves him. Eren stumbles, falling onto the ground.
“Why did you lie?”
Eren’s heart jumps.
“You shouldn't be here.”
Mikasa gives him a look, her expression full of pain. Because of him.
She’s hurting, and it’s because of him.
Your fault.
He knows.
“Tell me,” she looks at him, jaw clenched. “Why did you do it?”
He can see the tears forming in her eyes again.
“You hurt Armin. Why?”
He can see her fists clenched by her sides. She’s shaking slightly, trembling. Out of fear, anger, or adrenaline, he doesn't know. Maybe a mix of all three.
“Answer the fucking question, Eren.”
Yeah, answer the question.
Shut up.
Why are you hurting them?
Because he loves them.
So you show it by hurting them?
“Just tell me, please.” Mikasa begs, dropping to her knees in front of him. “I just want to help you.”
She reaches for his hand, but Eren slaps it away. He sees the hurt flash through her eyes, and she draws her hand back, forming a fist again.
“Do it, Mikasa.”
“W-what?”
“Do it! Hurt me.” He meets her eyes, piercing her.
“Eren, what are you saying? Answer the fucking question.”
“Just hit me. I can see you itching to do so. Fight, Mikasa.”
Mikasa’s clenched hands are shaking, he can see it.
“Fight back, Mikasa. What are you waiting for?”
She backs away from him, holding her head in her hands.
“Fight me, Mikasa! Or are you too weak to do so?”
“Be quiet, please.”
“You can't fight me, why is that?”
“S-stop.”
“You're nothing but a slave, boiled down to your Ackerman instincts.” He spits out, and her face crumbles.
She sobs.
“SHUT UP!” she roars, and Eren doesn't flinch at her loud tone. “Just stop talking for once.”
She gets to her feet, and it might be the first time in ages that he feels a flash of fear run through him. Mikasa draws herself up to her full height, face angered, fists trembling. It makes Eren feel so small, just like how he used to feel when they were younger. When she was stronger than him.
He looks up at her, face blank.
“You lied. You hurt me, you hurt Armin, and, worst of all, you killed innocent people. I-I’m no slave.”
She trembles.
“Innocent people,” she looks at him, hurt. “Sasha, she..’”
“Don't bring Sasha into this,” he says as anger flares through him.
“...You laughed. Connie said so.” Her face, so full of pain, betrayal, and it stings Eren’s heart.
“Is this the freedom you wanted? The freedom to hurt Mikasa?”
“Why, Eren? Why did you do it?”
“Who’s the real slave to a piece of shit?”
“Why did you do it? Why did you lie?” she shouts at him.
And much to her surprise, he begins to laugh. He laughs, and it holds no humor. Just malice.
“All of these questions, but you still aren’t strong enough to fight me.”
He laughs.
Mikasa draws her fist back, and Eren braces himself for her punch. He closes his eyes. The punch doesn't come. He opens them. Her hands drop to her sides limply.
She breathes in, breathes out.
There are tears streaming down her face.
“You're wrong, Eren.” The crack in her voice sends a pang of pain through him. “I’m strong, strong enough to fight you, fight the world, but I can’t.”
He eyes her warily, still prepared for an onslaught of swings.
“The reason I can’t fight against you, why I never could, is because I love you.”
Eren winces, the words cutting straight through his bones. No one has said that to him in forever.
I love you, her words ring through his head, echoing.
“I love you too much. You saved my life, how could I ever repay you? Repay Carla?”
He grimaces in pain at the mention of his dead mother.
“I love you, Eren.”
Eren squeezes his eyes shut, hoping to keep in the tears. He wants her to stop talking. He wants her to leave. When he opens them again, she’s gone.
I love you too, he wants to tell her. But there's not enough time left for them.
He stands, walks to the bathroom, looks into the mirror. He sees himself, who he is now, but behind him, he sees his younger self. His younger self looks at him in shock, in utter disbelief that Mikasa would tell him that.
Why did you do it?
Because he loves her.
You hurt her. Is that the way you show love?
No, he hurt her because he loves her too much.
What sense does that make?
He grips the sink, knuckles white. Grits his teeth. Glares at himself, furious that they never got a chance. They didn't have enough time. Her words swirl around in his head.
“Why did you lie?”
“You hurt Armin.”
“The reason I can’t fight against you...”
“...the reason I never could...”
“Is because I love you.”
“I love you, Eren.”
“I love you.”
I love you.
Love.
A strong word.
Love.
They could have had it. They could have loved each other.
Love.
In the mirror, he doesn't see himself anymore. He sees Armin, earlier today, lying on the ground in Mikasa’s arms, beaten, bloody, bruised. Hurt, and it’s because of him.
“Who’s the real slave to a piece of shit?” Mirror Armin asks him.
He punches the mirror, it shatters to a million pieces, raining down on the sink, the floor. It breaks.
Just like his heart. Just like how he broke her’s.
Love, he thinks. I love you.