Chapter Text
Damn these feelings for Eadith that have crept into his heart over the last several months. It was easy to deny them at first. To simply chalk them up to being in the presence of a beautiful woman for an extended period of time. All of the men probably thought she was beautiful, right? So it wasn’t just him, Finan told himself. But, he now realized this was more than a simple attraction or lust. She was beautiful, man was she beautiful; But more than that she was kind, intelligent, and full of life. The woman had a fire in her spirit - one not put out easily, as she had demonstrated by overcoming so many hardships.
Sometimes Finan would find himself thinking about her and his breath would catch in his throat. When his mind should be focused on something important, he would find himself distracted by the thought of her. Thoughts he had no right having. Thoughts of them lying together or just holding one another, her red tresses flowing down the length of his arm while she rested her head in the crook of his neck. Lips locked in a deep passionate kiss. Visions of them down the road, starting a family together.
‘Stop it, you bloody egit!’ He chastised himself. ‘She doesn’t belong to you, nor will she ever. She probably never wants anything to do with a man again after all she’s been through, let alone someone like you.’, he thought.
‘You have nothing to offer her. No roots, no home other than the house in Coccham which is barely more than a shack if you’re to be honest. And, more than that, it certainly isn’t a secret that you have been known to frequent the rooms above any alehouse in any village you come to; Although the appeal has worn off since Eadith had come into your life. All you have is the pitiful amount of silver you have saved. But that’s not what a woman like Eadith wants or cares about. IF she ever were to give her heart to someone, it certainly wouldn’t be to a man the likes of you.’ Finan was now pacing back and forth wearing a path into the grass as he continued in his thoughts, occasionally mumbling out loud. He had walked down to the stream, far enough away from the camp that he thought he would have some time to himself to clear his head.
Finan’s thoughts continued, however. She would want a real man. A man without all his baggage, all of the scars not only on his skin but on his soul. One who she could put down roots with, not one that rides off into battle whenever he is called, not knowing if he’ll come home alive or dead. Eadith would want someone that would be there everyday, without a doubt, to protect her, not off protecting the people of Wessex. ‘For her sake man, put her out of your mind! It’s never gonna happen!’, he berated himself.
As he continued to pace, Finan dragged his fingers through his dark, unruly hair, trying to take a deep breath to settle himself. Even if Finan were to find out that Eadith had feelings for him, he could never allow anything to happen between them. It wouldn’t be fair to her. It wouldn’t be fair to ask her to sacrifice her chance at a normal life in exchange for a marriage to a man that might not even be there a good portion of the time. 'Marriage?!' In all the years since being drug out of Ireland in chains the prospect of marriage had not once crossed his mind. He had simply been happy to follow Uhtred, fight, have good friends, food, and ale. 'You bloody fool,' he mumbled. Finan knew he was in deep now.
“Do all Irishmen carry on conversations with themselves?”, a voice behind him asked in a teasing manner. Startled, he quickly turned around to view a sight to behold. The descending sun was shining down from behind Eadith, making her gorgeous red hair appear as a fiery halo of sorts. Although some of her features were darkened because of the light’s direction, he could make out the smirk that her sweet, plump lips had turned into. He unwillingly allowed his eyes to travel from her face, down her body, and quickly back up to her eyes again. As if he hadn’t already made a big enough fool of himself, he could feel his whole face turn crimson.
“Eadith!” Finan finally blurted out. “I uh, uh… I was just well, you know, um.” She closed the few feet of distance between them and placed her hand on his chest.
‘Not what I need right now.’, the Irishman thought to himself as he silently prayed that Eadith couldn’t feel the pounding of his heart beneath her hand.
“I just wanted to be sure I gave you my thanks for convincing Uhtred to allow me to come with you to Coccham.” When he didn’t say anything, she asked “Would you mind sitting with me for a minute?”
“Well it didn’t really take much convincing, I didn’t do much,” Finan replied as he stared at his feet. Eadith took his hand and pulled Finan to sit down next to her on the mossy bank next to the stream.
“Stop being so modest, without you I wouldn’t be here. I really do not want to think where I would be.” Her voice trailed off and it seemed as if her train of thought did the same. Her gaze was fixed on the gurgling stream laid out before them, her fingers nervously twirling a lock of her silky hair. The fingers on her other hand were still intertwined with Finan’s.
“Eadith,” Finan queried, “What’s really on your mind? You’re not very good at hiding the fact that somethin’s botherin’ ya. He gave her hand a quick squeeze before unlocking their grasp. Eadith couldn’t help but think how well this man could already read her. This man who she had only known for a few short months had gotten into her head, and most likely her heart too.
“Well, I suppose I am a bit anxious. Now that I am no longer Aethelred’s whore," she said with derision, "I’m not sure what my purpose is. Since my father disgraced the family, I’ve had no purpose except to be a plaything for men. Basically, I’ve never known what it’s like to be on my own and now that I am, it feels a bit overwhelming. Will I know what to do, now that I have my freedom? How will I know what to do to survive?”
“Oh my dear Eadith,” he slightly turned, grabbed her by both shoulders, and looked her straight into those beautiful green eyes; Eyes he thought he might be able to drown in. He spoke with an impassioned manner, brows furrowed. “You are a strong and intelligent woman. I know this all seems daunting right now. But you haven’t let anything get in your way so far and I don’t see anything standing in your way down the road either. You need to look at this as a newly found freedom. to do whatever it is you want; Not as a burden to carry.” Not trusting his willpower to hold out much longer, Finan dropped his hands away from Eadith’s shoulders and turned to look out at the running water. At this point, he was fearful of what his body might do in reaction to the impossibly perfect woman sitting inches away from him.
Eadith took a moment to compose herself. Finan’s eyes had seemed to bore right through her and look at her soul. It was somewhat startling yet not in a bad way; In a way that made her want more with this man. She took a deep breath and then, “I suppose you are right, maybe I do need to believe in myself a bit more. You know, despite the fact that I’m sure my reputation will follow me wherever I go, I still feel like I have been given a fresh start. And I have, thanks to you.”
She turned again to look at him. He was staring down at the grass, plucking blades of it in order to keep his fingers occupied. She reached over to still his hand, trying to ease whatever seemed to be bothering him. Instantly, Finan felt a lightning bolt run up his arm and go straight to his heart, making it start pounding once more. He dared not look at her and he desperately hoped that Eadith wouldn’t notice the bulge filling his breeches. She then leaned over and gave him a light kiss on the cheek, her lips soft as a light wind. "That, is for all the help you've given me," she whispered. Finan closed his eyes as his breath turned ragged. It was all he could do, not to jump up and run back to camp. She then cupped his chin and turned his face so he had to look at her, those green eyes once more staring deep into his dark brown ones. It was as if time stopped and they were the only two in the world.
Clearing her throat in an attempt to regain her senses, Eadith then took a cleansing breath. “As I said, I am not sure where I would have ended up if it wasn’t for you. Thank you, Finan. I truly am indebted to you.”, she said earnestly while still looking into his eyes. It took all of what was left of his self-control to keep himself from giving her a proper kiss right then and there. He knew he had to get out of her presence.
“Uh, well, it was nothin’ lady.”, his voice rough with emotion. “You are more than welcome. I uh, I think Uhtred is probably looking for me by now,” he said as he stood up rubbing the back of his neck, staring in the direction of the camp. “I should probably go see if he needs me to do anything.” And with that, he turned and high tailed it away from the stream, not even offering to help Eadith up as he normally would insist upon, with any woman.
Eadith watched him go, surprised at his hasty departure but grateful for the brief moment of time they got to spend together, alone. Just being near Finan made her feel safe and carefree, ready to conquer whatever came next. Not only was he handsome, but he was also thoughtful and caring, willing to do anything for the people he loved. Yes, she thought, the Irishman was right. Nothing will be able to stand in my way… as long as I have that man beside me. Eadith stayed sitting next to the stream a little while longer, allowing herself to daydream about their future together.
As soon as Finan was out of sight he stopped to get ahold of himself. Leaning against a big oak tree he closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. Reaffirming to himself that he is doing the right thing by not pursuing Eadith, he vowed that he would not be yet another instrument of hurt to the woman, even if that meant her not understanding the reason behind his soon to be cold shoulder. As hard as it was going to be put on a distant and uncaring attitude towards Eadith, it would be easier than staying friends with her while wanting more at the same time. He wasn’t sure he could trust himself to not lose control and just kiss her until they were breathless. At least this way, Eadith’s heart would be free to find another man, should she want one, without him getting in the way. Finan finally started to make his way back to camp. Needless to say, he was not in the best of moods when he returned.