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Yeonjun stared at his reflection in the window. His hair and makeup were still intact from the shoot, but it looked strange paired with his day clothes. His slicked back midnight black hair transported him back to the last time he had styled his hair in a similar fashion. But his makeup sent him into the future, to a time where natural highlights and basic contouring did the trick.
His reflection wasn’t that clear in the car window, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away as he waited for his manager to unlock the doors. The day had been unlike one he had ever experienced before, and while it was exhilarating, it was also exhausting and terrifying.
Being around models and designers and that specific brand of fame was new to Yeonjun, who was used to the idol world. He was used to mic checks and bright makeup, easily understood thematic clothing and sets, and everything else that came with his career.
But the fashion world…it was even more different than Yeonjun expected.
Everything ran at a different speed, a slower speed, as if every single detail required its own schedule. The atmosphere was much more serious—not that being an idol wasn’t serious, but this was a form of art that could was simply in a league of its own. Yeonjun knew he was representing a smaller fashion line, but the size of the company didn’t matter. Once you were in that world, you were in it entirely.
He may not have been walking for Louis Vuitton or Versace, but the weight wasn’t any less. He was in the unique position of having one foot in both worlds now, and he wasn’t sure how to balance it out. Sure, being an idol had given him skills easily transferrable to being a model, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t a nervous wreck the entire time.
It didn’t help that he was completely alone save for a few staff members from BigHit assigned to accompany him. His members weren’t invited—something that made Yeonjun a little bitter if he thought about it too much—and it was a closed set so there wasn’t even room for them to visit. Yeonjun always felt a little off working on projects without his dongsaengs, as if four little pieces of him were missing, but he was getting better at being independent.
The stylists who transformed Yeonjun into a model fresh for the runway were nothing like the ones Yeonjun had back at BigHit. These stylists were classically trained artists, wielding a brush like a sword and painting Yeonjun in a whole new light. Gone was the youthful heartthrob fourth generation ‘It Boy’ from sensational K-pop group Tomorrow by Together. In his place, a matured, sharpened, and striking young adult.
His feline-like eyes were emphasised with subtle makeup, his cheekbones and jawline so angular Yeonjun wondered if his stylists had a background in geometry. Not a single hair was out of place, and Yeonjun was almost afraid to breath should he risk ruining their masterpiece.
When he was brought to the changing rooms, he did his best not to feel affected by the fact that he wasn’t going to get any privacy. The stylists stayed with him and helped him take off his day clothes—he had been instructed to wear a button-up top so nothing would have to be pulled over his head.
He was nearly naked before they finally pulled out his first outfit from its fancy cover. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around himself but he knew that this was part of being a model. His stylists didn’t see his body as something purely sexual, they saw it as a canvas for the clothes he was going to be modelling.
And when he was fully dressed and everything was pinned in place to perfectly highlight both his figure and the shape of the fabric, he started to really understand his role.
This wasn’t about him. Of course, the general public would make it about him—he was kind of the only K-pop idol currently scheduled to walk for New York Fashion week after all—but the fashion world wouldn’t pay a single mind to his credentials. To them, he was a newbie, a blank slate. The criticism was going to be intense, far more intense than anything Yeonjun had experienced before, and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to handle it.
But they chose him for a reason, they had invited him. And it would have been a bigger mistake to turn the opportunity down. No matter how much it made him doubt himself. No matter what sort of questions it raised in his head about how he identified as a human.
The actual shoot had a beautiful set, different than one Yeonjun had ever worked on, but still familiar enough to relax him just a fraction. All of the cameras and lights and staff running around put him at ease.
He was normally a social butterfly, talking to any new people he met at a given event, but this time he was viciously shy. This wasn’t his turf, he had no understanding of the politics of fashion save for what he had read in his spare time, but he wasn’t sure any of that information could apply to the shoot he was on.
The other models seemed nice enough, but they tended to keep to themselves too, letting the staff guide them and move them and order them around the entire time. There was no room here for creative input, Yeonjun’s only role was to do as he was told and look pretty while doing it.
His passion for fashion was the only thing that made the entire ordeal enjoyable. If he hadn’t cared for clothing and the artistry that came with it, he would’ve drowned in his insecurities.
The photoshoot was the easiest, the walk the hardest. He had practiced with a coach for a week straight prior to the day of, and he thought he did alright, but he wouldn’t know until the critics started publishing their reviews. He was going to do his best not to overthink things until then.
It’s just…he was a performer. He wasn’t made to walk like a robot and keep his face straight and emotionless. He had been trained to do the exact opposite, so he really couldn’t be sure if he had done a successful job as a model. Maybe it just wasn’t for him.
Or maybe he was just letting his doubts get to him.
The beep of the car jolted Yeonjun out of his own head, and he turned, giving his manager a small smile before he opened the door and climbed in. He put his bag on the seat next to him and buckled up. He cracked his neck a few times and then reached down and rubbed his ankles. His feet hurt from standing for so long and he was pretty sure his jaw was locked from not talking for so long.
His manager got in and they drove off quickly. “Did you enjoy it, Yeonjun-ssi?” his manager asked him. Yeonjun looked at him through the rearview mirror and gave him a smile, nodding. “It was really different, I learned a lot,” he said, voice a little hoarse. His manager only gave him an encouraging smile and then let the music fill the air. Yeonjun was grateful for the quiet as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
The drive lulled him halfway to sleep, the exhaustion of the day really starting to set in. As soon as he was back at the dorms he was washing his face and going straight to Soobin’s room for some much-needed cuddles.
At the thought of his boyfriend, Yeonjun’s eyes opened. He blinked a few times before digging his phone out of his bag and unlocking it. He smiled when he saw the numerous messages from his dongsaengs and family. His mother had sent a rather lengthy message about how proud of him she was, and Yeonjun was good and read it all and didn’t skip straight to his conversation with Soobin.
He sent a grateful reply to his mother, promising to call her when he could, and then he moved on to his other messages. Beomgyu had sent him a lot of good lucks and break a legs, which made Yeonjun snort in amusement. Taehyun gave him a tactful reminder of the nature of the fashion industry before sending lots of words of encouragement. It did help ground Yeonjun a bit, being reminded of how harsh the modelling world was.
Kai just literally screamed and gushed about how proud he was and how he couldn’t wait to hopefully try to model one day in the future, and the rest was lost in a sea of emojis. It made Yeonjun giggle though, and he made a mental note to give Kai an extra long hug when he saw him.
And Soobin, Soobin’s message was the shortest and yet it made Yeonjun nearly tear up with affection.
From: Soobinie
I’m so proud of you. I love you.
Yeonjun stared at the text on the screen, trying to think of a response but being unable to conjure the right words. He pressed his phone to his chest and closed his eyes, deciding to just thank Soobin in person when he saw him in a few minutes.
The rest of the drive passed quickly, Yeonjun’s body warming in anticipation of being reunited with his group, back in his comfort zone and away from the critical eyes of some of the most elite members of society. He was drained of energy but felt a final push rush through him as the car pulled into the basement parking garage of the BigHit building.
He unbuckled and got out quickly, waiting for his manager to get out and walk him up. Once inside the building, his manager turned to him in the elevator, a hand on his elbow. “They’re going to be filming your return, but just for five minutes, and then you’ll be free for the rest of the evening and tomorrow,” he informed.
Yeonjun nodded, expecting the cameras. It was rare that he wasn’t being filmed, it was something he had grown used to over the years. He was glad for a day off, but he wasn’t sure if Soobin would get to spend it with him, and that dampened his brief excitement just a little.
His manager got off at the administrative floor, bowing to Yeonjun and congratulating him on a successful modelling debut. Yeonjun bowed back and thanked him for his guidance, and then the doors slid shut and he was completely alone.
He leaned against the wall, exhaling heavily and stretching his neck out again. Everything about him was so stiff. His makeup was cracking and his hair was literally crunchy. He really hoped he would actually be able to shower soon, and that the staff didn’t suddenly decide to interview him or something. They could do that later.
The elevator dinged and Yeonjun got off, yawning as he walked down the familiar hallways. His heart did pick up when he got closer to the door to the lounge where he knew his members were waiting with some sort of celebratory cake that he wouldn’t be able to eat until the next day.
A smile was already forming as he opened the door, and when he was met with cheers, he smiled completely. The first thing he saw was Hueningkai, because the maknae launched himself at Yeonjun, body crashing into the elder, arms locking around him. “Yeonjunie-hyung! I can’t believe you’re a world famous model now!” he shrieked, laughing loudly. Yeonjun chuckled, managing to put his bag down and hug Kai back, patting his back.
“Yah, I don’t know about world-famous,” he drawled, rolling his eyes playfully. Kai only laughed again, before Beomgyu came up and pried him off so he could give Yeonjun his own hug. It was much shorter and less suffocating, but just as meaningful. Taehyun tiptoed up to pat Yeonjun’s shoulder and give him a little bow. “You’ll have to tell me all about it when you’re rested, hyung,” he said. Yeonjun chuckled, nodding and ruffling his hair.
He looked over then, at Soobin, who was holding the celebratory cake Yeonjun suspected would make an appearance, and he looked so peacefully proud it made butterflies burst in Yeonjun’s stomach.
Soobin’s presence had hit him when he first walked in, that gentle and steadying calm amongst the chaos of the other members—Hueningkai—that attracted Yeonjun like a magnet. When their eyes met, it was like falling in love all over again. It simply never got old.
The younger walked up to Yeonjun, holding out the cake and giving him a dimpled smile. “Congratulations, hyung,” he said, voice low. Yeonjun tried not to smile too hard, aware of the staff members and their cameras hovering close by. He accepted the cake only to put it aside and give Soobin a hug. There wasn’t much more they could do until the cameras were off, but it was enough for now.
Soobin’s arms wrapped around him for a moment, nose brushing the side of Yeonjun’s neck, and then they parted. They shared a longing gaze, and then Yeonjun turned and clapped his hands together and thanked them all for staying up to greet him.
Thankfully, the staffers took that as their cue to wrap up, and they were gone within the next ten minutes. As soon as the door clicked shut behind them, Yeonjun let his shoulders fall, slouching and exhaling. “I’m so tired,” he pouted, picking up his bag. His members flocked to him, patting his back and telling him to rest and relax and take it easy. He appreciated them, he did, but now that he didn’t have to act for the cameras, he really was very tired.
Soobin picked up on this, and gently hushed the younger members, telling them to head to bed. Yeonjun gave him a grateful smile, and then hugged Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Kai and wished them sweet dreams. They gave final words of congratulations, and then filed down the hall to their rooms, Beomgyu taking over as eldest hyung to make sure the two maknaes had everything they needed.
When it was just Soobin and Yeonjun, the younger of the two approached, gently taking the bag out of Yeonjun’s hand. Yeonjun looked at him, a blush colouring his face beneath the now-dried and cracked makeup. “Take a shower hyung, I’ll take care of everything else,” he whispered, smiling softly. Yeonjun swallowed, nodding as he did his best not to get emotional.
Feelings had been piling up inside of him ever since he arrived on set that morning, but he hadn’t been able to deal with them until now. And he wasn’t entirely sure what they meant. But it was okay, he could talk them out with Soobin and that would make him feel better.
But first, he really needed a shower.
Soobin gave him a playful nudge toward the bathrooms, and Yeonjun chuckled, turning on his heel and walking away. He stopped by his room to grab some clean pajamas and a towel, and then went to start the shower.
When he stepped under the warm water, he let out an actual moan of relief. It felt so good to wash away the hairspray and gel from his hair and to scrub the makeup off his face. He did two rounds of conditioner after shampooing, to make sure that his hair was as silky smooth as possible. He decided to go ahead and do a repair treatment too, since lord knew his poor hair needed it.
His face wash simultaneously burned and soothed his skin, but he was glad to be free of makeup. Once everything was washed off, he let himself soak under the water for a few minutes with his eyes closed. He went through his calming routine, focusing on the beat of his heart and the in-and-out of his breathing. It helped lighten the weight in his chest, relieved him of the stress of the day, and made it easier to understand the feelings bubbling inside him.
They were mostly familiar feelings, but they weren’t very fun feelings. The doubt was creeping back, along with a touch of anxiety. He would be fine as soon as he talked it out, so he turned off the water and dried off, pulling his clothes on quickly. He lathered some face lotion over his cheeks and forehead, and then brushed his teeth. His hair was still pretty wet, so he ran the towel through it a few more times before deeming it dry enough and leaving the bathroom.
He padded down to his room, and when he opened the door his eyes widened in mild surprise. His room looked exactly the same, except for the addition of Soobin. The boy stood in front of Yeonjun’s bed, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand. They were roses, and Yeonjun didn’t need to be an expert to know what the represented.
The blush on his cheeks matched the red of the roses as he stepped forward, closing the door quietly behind him. “Soobin-ah…,” he whispered, blinking fast. Soobin’s face broke into a beautiful smile, and he held out the flowers. “I’m sorry it’s so cheesy, but I wanted you to have something in celebration,” he explained. Yeonjun chuckled, gently taking the flowers and lifting them to his nose, inhaling the floral scent.
“You didn’t need to get me anything, baby,” he replied. Soobin blushed, but didn’t look away. If anything, his gaze only intensified, and Yeonjun’s cheeks burned darker. He carefully set the flowers on his desk, and then moved closer to his boyfriend. “I wish you could’ve been there,” he whispered. Soobin reached out, hooking a hand around Yeonjun’s waist and pulling him flush against his body. Yeonjun squeaked a bit, hands landing on Soobin’s chest automatically, and he tilted his chin back to be able to lock eyes.
The younger ran his fingers through Yeonjun’s damp hair, before wrapping his arms completely around the elder and giving him a much better hug than the first time. Yeonjun melted into it, relaxing his entire body and letting his head rest on Soobin’s shoulder. His eyes closed, and Soobin continued to hold him tightly, swaying them a bit.
Yeonjun tightened his own grip, not realising how much he needed the comfort. As he stood in Soobin’s embrace, his feelings came crashing down over him at once and if not for Soobin grounding him, they would’ve swept him away. Yeonjun curled in a bit closer, not wanting Soobin to let him go.
The younger started rubbing his back, twisting his head to press a kiss to the back of Yeonjun’s, and Yeonjun leaned back, arms still around Soobin’s neck. Soobin gave him a gentle smile and kissed his nose. “Can’t believe I’m dating a model,” he teased. Yeonjun laughed once, before a sudden feeling of fear and doubt hit him, and the smile fell off his face.
All of the physical and emotional stress of the day built up to this one moment, and Yeonjun didn’t even realise he was crying until Soobin was moving them onto the bed and pulling Yeonjun onto his lap, thumbs wiping away his tears.
“Fuck,” Yeonjun finally acknowledged, leaning back and wiping his eyes furiously. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying.” When he dropped his hands, Soobin rested his hands on Yeonjun’s waist, thumbs rubbing comforting circles into his hips. “Do you want to talk maybe? Or we can just sleep, whichever you want,” he reassured, giving another soft smile. Yeonjun returned it a little, before sighing, running a hand through his hair.
He wasn’t really sure where to start, but Soobin was so patient, watching Yeonjun calmly, his hands still caressing his skin. Yeonjun appreciated him more than he would ever know, truly. He looked around the room for a moment, before he sighed again and started messing with the hem of Soobin’s shirt absentmindedly. “I don’t know if I’m meant to be a model,” he admitted, not meeting Soobin’s eyes.
Soobin didn’t say anything, and so Yeonjun kept talking, each word like a tiny weight lifting. “Everyone there was so experienced and serious, I don’t think I spoke a single word to anyone because I didn’t know what to even say. I thought I knew a lot about fashion but I was so lost the whole time, I only managed to do okay because of the staff.” He took a breath then, the tears gathering again as he fisted Soobin’s shirt. “I tried as hard as I could, but I don’t think I d-did very well,” he finished, voice nearly inaudible at the end.
He sniffled a few times, smoothing the fabric of Soobin’s shirt, feeling his steady breathing under his hand. There was a few seconds of silence, and then Soobin gently coaxed Yeonjun forward to rest again his chest. Yeonjun went willingly, unfolding his legs to stretch next to Soobin’s. He tucked his body into his side, head cushioned on the younger’s shoulder, Soobin’s arm around his torso to keep him secure.
Yeonjun sniffled a few more times from the new position, feeling Soobin’s cheek against his hair. His free hand came up to meet Yeonjun’s, and their fingers locked almost instantly. “You tried your best, hyung, and that’s what counts,” Soobin comforted, voice low and tremulous above Yeonjun. “You were never trained as a model, and those who matter know that, so don’t hold yourself to the same standards.”
The elder hummed, knowing Soobin was right but knowing it would take time to believe his words. “I just hated doubting myself,” he murmured. Soobin lifted their entwined hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of Yeonjun’s palm. Yeonjun pulled back enough to look up at Soobin, wanting to see him. “You were asked to do something outside of your comfort zone, and you did it. And that’s what I’m proud of.” He let go of Yeonjun’s hand to cup his jaw, and Yeonjun’s breath caught in his throat.
“I’m proud of your bravery, hyung. And I want you to be proud of yourself, too.”
Yeonjun could only stare at his lover, his heart racing and his mind in a tailspin from the heartfelt words. It wasn’t often that Soobin rendered him speechless, but this was one of those instances. And Soobin just stroked Yeonjun’s cheek, giving him a sweet smile as they stared at each other.
They stayed that way for a bit, and then Yeonjun sat up, cupping Soobin’s cheeks in his hands and leaning forward to kiss him. Soobin kissed back immediately, but Yeonjun led it, holding his boyfriend’s face in place as he kissed him deeply, passionately. He connected and reconnected their lips, turning his head to make the angle more comfortable. Their lips slid against each other wetly, the light sounds filling the quiet room. Soobin let Yeonjun kiss him as he pleased, resting his own hands on top of Yeonjun’s.
The love they shared hovered in the air around them and Yeonjun was so lucky. He was so, so lucky to have found someone to fall in love with. As he kissed the younger, every feeling he had for the boy shot to the forefront of his mind and he pressed closer. He kissed until he couldn’t breathe, and then he pulled away, chest heaving.
“You have no idea how much I love you,” he whispered. Soobin, cheeks flushed and lips swollen, blinked rapidly, before shaking his head. “It’s you who has no idea how much I love you,” he replied, breathless. Yeonjun shook his head, cradling Soobin’s face in his hands as he swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I’m not kidding. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully express what I feel for you,” he confessed, not caring how cheesy he sounded.
Soobin blushed more, before suddenly flipping them, pushing Yeonjun onto his back and climbing on top of him. “Don’t make this a competition, hyung,” he whispered, playful. It was a welcome shift to the previous mood, despite how tired Yeonjun was starting to get. He giggled a little, looping his arms around Soobin’s neck. “Kiss me again and I won’t,” he breathed.
A little later, as Yeonjun was on the brink of unconsciousness, he shifted in Soobin’s arms just enough to whisper in his ear. “Thank you for letting me vent,” he said. Soobin brushed his nose over Yeonjun’s cheek, nuzzling him closer. “Do you feel better?” he asked. Yeonjun nodded, tucking himself closer and breathing in Soobin’s scent. “You always make me feel better.”
“And I always will, hyung.”