Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

where it all went wrong.

The sweet scent of strawberries was the only thing to pull Kei out of bed on that late August morning. It wasn’t the pain in his neck from spending far too many nights on the stiff futon his brother had set out for him. It wasn’t the music abrasively blaring through the small Tokyo apartment. And it certainly wasn’t the prospect of returning home to Miyagi that evening. He’d been awake for nearly thirty minutes, which gave him plenty of time to become hyper aware of each of these factors. But, not one of them, in his opinion, warranted him moving from his place on the stiff, and yet, terribly welcoming futon he’d become accustomed to over the past month. 

It was the scent of strawberries that caused Kei to finally open his eyes, remove his blankets, stuff his feet into a pair of slippers, and toe his way into the kitchen.

Each one of these actions was against his better judgement.

“Well good morning sunshine.” Akiteru chided without so much as casting Kei a glance. 

Kei had come to realize over the past 30 or so days that he and his brother shared much more of a sibling telepathy than he had ever anticipated. The first example of this telepathic connection came when Kei called his older brother back in July. Within 30 seconds of the phone call (which was 30 seconds of choked greetings and stifled sobs on Kei’s end, and 30 seconds of patience despite his gnawing worries on Akiteru’s end) the eldest of the Tsukishima brothers was buying Kei a one-way ticket to Tokyo. Kei hadn’t asked him to do this, but it was exactly what he needed.

And, the most recent example of the Tsukishima Sibling Telepathy was in this very moment, for 2 reasons. The first was that Kei entered the kitchen without a sound, and Akiteru, with his back to the entryway greeted his brother without possibly knowing for sure if he was there. And the second was that Akiteru was heating fresh strawberries in a pot on the stove to serve over the breakfast pastries he had gotten from the shop beneath his apartment. This, Kei thought, was also exactly what he needed.

“So! Are we feeling excited about going back home?” Akiteru continued, choosing to ignore Kei’s lack of morning greetings. Akiteru had this habit of using the term “we” when really he just means “you”. It was a bother at first, but it became one of the many things Kei reluctantly grew accustomed to this summer break.

“Not really.” Kei replied shortly.

“Well things might be weird at first,” Akiteru proceeded carefully, still focused on stirring the pot on the stove top, “but, the second semester of third year totally flies by! You’ll be so busy with college prep, and studying, and entrance exams, you’ll be graduating before you know it.”

“Yes, it all sounds very exciting.” Kei replied, drying out his tone more so than usual to exaggerate his disinterest.

“Hey, don’t be like that. There’s lots of non-school related things to look forward to, right?” Akiteru hesitated in his stirring before continuing, “The team will definitely make it to nationals again which is amazing! That’s really crazy Kei, you get to be a starter at the Spring Interhighs for all three years that you’re in highschool. I mean, really, not many people can say they’ve-”

“We aren’t in yet, so just drop it.” Kei snapped, the thought of volleyball and the team and… it was too much for him to think about. Especially the day before he would have to see them all again. Kei took a breath and continued, this time quieter “I don’t even know if I’m going back.”

At this Akiteru halted in his stirring of the strawberry mixture and turned to face Kei, a fierce and almost intimidating flash in his eyes. “Kei.” he began, “he’s your best friend. It's been that way for longer than any of us can remember. He’s basically a part of our fucking family!” Akiteru rarely swore. Maybe spending a month with Kei had worn him down more than the younger had realized.

Kei watched silently as his brother spooned the soupy strawberry mixture on top of each of their pastries. Akiteru handed Kei his plate but didn’t let go when Kei took hold of it. Instead, the siblings stared level with one another, the scent of strawberry wafting between them. And then Akiteru spoke; “you need to suck it up and find a way to make it better, because guess what kiddo, you fucked up. And now it's time to go home and face the music. No more hiding.”

Akiteru smiled warmly as he let go of Kei’s plate and moved his way to the couch to eat his breakfast. Kei exhaled a heavy breath and closed his eyes.

You fucked up. No more hiding. 

“Okay.” he breathed out finally, before exiting the kitchen and joining his brother on the couch.

___

A summer without Tadashi left a sour taste in Kei’s mouth. Where there was once trips the coast, backyard sleepovers, and that extra burst of freckles that dusted Tadashi’s nose when he spent long hours in the sun; there were now bustling city streets, a lonely futon, and apparently no freckles in the entire city of Tokyo. None worth looking at anyway. 

Kei and Tadashi together was always a given. It was set in stone the moment they met in primary school, and would be woven into the very fabric of their adolescent experience. They began as somewhat of a comedy act for their parents; any way you looked at it, one was always the complete opposite of the other in every regard. Where Kei was tall, Tadashi was small. Where Tadashi was nervous, Kei was bold. Where Kei was gloomy, Tadashi was brighter than the sun. 

Their dynamic was a part of their charm. It’s what made them a cohesive unit. One always balancing out the other. It was fine when they were children. It was more than fine, it allowed for them to foster an inseparable relationship. The kind of friendship where days turned to nights, turned to weeks, until the pair couldn’t remember the last time they stayed at separate houses or spent longer than an hour apart. But as Kei and Tadashi got older, the dynamic started to lose its childish charm, at least for the two of them it did.

Where Tadashi once adored being the optimism generator for the duo, he began to grow exhausted of Kei's constant disinterest in most things that weren’t confined to just the two of them. And where Kei was once proud of being the brave spokesperson of the pair, a frustration grew within him each time Tadashi refused to advocate for himself. 

It was the kind of thing that grew over time. Retrospectively, Kei supposes the build began in highschool. The change in environment, the alteration to their middle school routine, and the new people who wandered a little too close to the private world of Kei and Tadashi (for Kei’s comfort), put a strain on their relationship.

But there was something else there too. It came in every stolen glance at golden hair or dainty freckles, it took shape in the brushing of pinkies on their walks to and from school, and it manifested in the refusal to quit their childhood habits of habitual sleepovers where the two boys would curl around one another to fit in one bed just as they’d done for years. 

There was frustration building, but there was something else bubbling up as well. Each feeling was different from the other, but both were new and confusing for Kei and Tadashi, nonetheless.

When they were in their first year, the build-up had become unbearable. One of them had to take the first shot, they both knew it. What neither of them expected was that Tadashi would be the one to do it. 

In an instant, the build-up came crashing down around them, but the destruction of their carefully constructed tower of cards freed them from their frustration. For a little while at least.

It happened two summers prior.  It happened at training camp. It happened when footsteps chased Kei into the darkness of the wet summer heat. It happened with the echo of volleyballs slamming into gymnasium floors and a faint yellow glow framing a childhood friend, who suddenly appeared unrecognizable. It happened when Tadashi, voice rid of its usual uncertainty, beckoned the nickname reserved just for the two of them.

With every utterance of ‘Tsuki’ from blushed and freckled lips, Kei was sure he was giving away a piece of himself.

He didn’t mind. 

But this particular ‘ Tsuki’ , beckoned loudly between heaving breaths, for all those in surrounding gymnasiums to hear, was the word which halted the build completely. It stopped Kei dead in his tracks. It gave Tadashi confidence. It showed Kei determination.

In one fell swoop Tadashi and Kei knocked down their delicately crafted tower of cards. And for a moment, it was bliss. But the build always started all over again.

___

Kei found a seat in the bustling Tokyo train station. His train to Sendai was scheduled to leave at 4:15pm. Kei glanced down at his phone. 3:58pm, he registered. Then his brain wandered, opting to focus intently at his lockscreen. 

He should probably change it before school tomorrow. 

Scrolling through the few photos he’d taken that summer, Kei opted for one of him and Akiteru at the Tokyo Skytree. Kuroo had taken it for them on one of the many days Kei had spent with Kuroo and Kenma out and about in Tokyo. The couple had been kind enough as to show Kei a good time this summer as best as they could. This meant many day-trips to tourist attractions, copious amounts of shopping, and with the help of Akiteru’s I.D. and Kei’s uncanny resemblance to his of-age brother, sneaking Kei into a few bars. Each of these activities hadn’t been too far out of Kuroo’s wheelhouse and he knew his friend would be good company over the summer. This knowledge that Kuroo was in Tokyo was a large factor contributing to Kei’s decision to spend the summer there. However, Kei was especially appreciative of Kenma’s calming presence on most of their adventures this summer as well.

In the grand scheme of things, Kei supposed that the summer hadn’t been entirely unbearable. 

The same couldn’t be said for the mess that was awaiting him in Miyagi.

Sighing, Kei changed his lockscreen. The photo of Kei and his brother replaced the former background; a picture of the Karasuno third years and their manager huddled around each other, each wearing their own version of a happy and care-free expression. Kei would never let any of them know that he had changed his phone background to this photo because he missed his friends over the summer. Especially not right now.

He checked the time again. 4:01pm. The train ride to Sendai would be about two hours, his mom would be waiting for him at the station, and then they would drive an hour home. He supposed he would arrive in his bedroom and collapse into his bed right around 7:30pm give or take. This would give him adequate time to completely spiral for the next 12 hours before he’d have to get ready for school. Perfect.

Kei sighed and slouched in his seat, this was going to be a long night.

___

Kei supposed that they could have seen this all coming. At least partially. 

The triumphs and failures of first year melted away like snow, and second year bloomed with hopeful new beginnings.  

Tadashi and Kei remained, utterly and completely, Tadashi and Kei. Greeting each other at their meeting place in the mornings, extra early so they could walk slowly to school, pinkies brushing against each other. Stealing glances during morning practise, homeroom, lunch, afternoon classes, evening practise. Walking home side-by-side. Each boy, always aware of where their other half was. Tadashi and Kei remained completely themselves; days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Weeknight sleepovers were no longer a topic of debate between child and parent, but rather an expectation. An assumption. A Guarantee.

Tadashi and Kei remained, utterly and completely, Tadashi and Kei. And with that, the build remained ever present. Looming, waiting, anticipating destruction.

This time it was Kei’s turn to topple their fragile tower.

“I don’t get this at all.”

“Yes you do, you’ve just decided you don’t want to do it anymore.”

“I’m just too stupid to be good at English. I won’t need it anyways, it’s fine.”

“You sound like Kageyama. Shut up and let me help you.”

“Rude.” Tadashi grumbled, eyeing Kei with playful frustration. In spite of his failed attempts to look angry with his friend, Tadashi pushed his workbook across the floor towards Kei, Tadashi himself moving in the same direction as well. 

“Besides, I thought you wanted to travel to America one day.” Kei spoke, noting the newfound warmth of Tadashi’s body, engulfed in his favourite and coziest cardigan, next to him. “You’ll wish you could speak English then.”

Having Tadashi so near to him was nothing unusual for Kei, but lately it was becoming unbearable. Why? Why was he freaking out so much? Why was his throat so dry? Sick. Kei silently assured himself. I’m just getting sick. That's all.

“Hmm” Tadashi hummed, an exaggerated pout spread across his face, pushing out his bottom lip. I’m getting sick. I’m getting sick. I’m getting sick. Sick. it’s just a cold. In a flash the freckled boy perked up, his disingenuous pout quickly being replaced by a toothy smile and sparkling brown eyes. “I won’t need to speak English because you’ll be with me! My own personal translator. Oh- and you’ve got this blonde hair so you’ll totally blend right in with all the Americans! Wouldn’t that be fun Tsukki, it would be just like Banana Fish, we’ll do New York and then we-”

“Stop rambling, Yamaguchi.” Kei chided, glaring at his opened English book on the floor in front of him, and cursing his fair skin, which he was certain was doing nothing to hide the heat he felt rising in his cheeks.

“Sorry Tsukki”

They were quiet for a moment before Kei spoke. “I’m not that good at English.”

“Tsukki! Yes you are!” Tadashi gasped, a hint of false annoyance in his tone.

“And I hope it's nothing like Banana Fish.” 

“Sorry, Tsukki, you’re right.” Tadashi smiled sweetly at Kei who had mustered the courage to look at his friend once again. This was a big mistake. “But you’ll still come with me though, right?”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Kei mumbled, eyes wavering slightly from their fixed gaze on Tadashi’s soft brown eyes to glance down at his mouth. Kei cleared his throat quickly averting his gaze back to the English homework sprawled out in front of them. “Okay, what don’t you get?”

Kei could feel Tadashi’s eyes searing into the side of his head, almost as if the freckled boy was attempting to telepathically will Kei to return his gaze once again. Kei had learned his lesson. He felt his heart twitch as he exercised significant effort in order to keep his eyes off of his best friend’s mouth. Tadashi finally gave up on his apparent mission. “This part here. I keep messing up the verb conjugation.”

Tadashi gestured to a text box in his own work book.

“Oh wait I’m on the wrong page.” Kei shifted his hand to flip the page in his own book.

“No, you’re good, it’s right here see-” Tadashi’s fingers reached towards Kei's book.

Except they never made it to the page. Instead Tadashi’s fingers brushed the back of Kei’s hand.

Tadashi and Kei one year ago would have flinched away from the warmth, muttering apologies and averting their eyes to anywhere but each other. But Tadashi and Kei in that moment, on Tadashi’s floor, on the floor they’d spent countless hours studying, playing pokemon, napping, and now holding hands? This version of Tadashi and Kei did not pull away from one another. 

Maybe, Tadashi and Kei had not remained as utterly and completely Tadashi and Kei as they had thought.

Kei felt it the moment Tadashi’s hand touched his own. The build was crumbling around them once again. And Kei felt brave.

“Okay,” he exhaled, hand turning under Tadashi’s touch to grasp his best friend’s impossibly lovely hand. “It's the present perfect tense. So you are describing something that has happened in the past and continues into the present. So if instead of saying ‘ you lived in this house’ , you would say ‘you have lived in this house since last year’ . Get it?”

Tadashi gulped as Kei’s grip tightened around his hand. He nodded, a signal for Kei to continue.

“So,” Kei’s thumb rubbed across the back of Tadashi’s hand, his touch as light as a feather, barely making contact with the freckles extending down Tadashi’s fingers. Kei squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled a deep breath before continuing. “Try this.”

With his free hand, and thankfully it being his right one, Kei penned three english words on Tadashi’s workbook.

“Okay, now rewrite it so it is in the present perfect tense.” Kei spoke. A false sense of security echoed in his voice as he reluctantly let go of Tadashi to allow him to write with his dominant hand. Tadashi stared at his workbook unmoving. “Only if you want to.” Kei uttered with urgency, any confidence he had just seconds ago had been drained from his tone completely.

“I want to.” Tadashi nodded, taking the pen from Kei. Kei observed that the way Tadashi looked in that moment was not unlike the expression he wore standing on the sidelines of the court, placard in hand, about to sub in for Hinata. It was fierce determination and an unshakable focus that had been nearly perfected by the end of their first year at Karasuno.

Tadashi carefully wrote each word, double checking his work along the way. Abruptly he paused and looked to Kei as if studying something buried deep in his eyes. He returned to his work once more before capping the pen and nudging his workbook towards Kei.

I love you.

I have loved you since     always.

Kei smiled. He smiled in the way he knew only Tadashi could recognize. 

“Good.” Kei mumbled, a blush sneaking past his cheeks and up to the tips of his ears. “See, you’re fine at English. You’ll have to take more classes for speaking and conversation stuff before you go to America. We focus too much on writing and grammar in school for you to be able to get by on just high school English alone. But you’ll be fine-”

Kei’s rambling was cut off by Tadashi’s hand in his once again, and the soft English slowly leaving Tadashi’s lips;

“I love you. I have loved you since always.” Tadashi spoke with confidence, but paused before tacking one more word on the end of his statement, “Kei.”

And if Kei had thought the name ‘Tsukki’ would tear him apart piece by piece, the name ‘Kei’ uttered from his best friend’s lips would end his life completely.

“I love you.” Kei spoke, in Japanese, because his brain had short-circuited and seriously infringed on his ability to confess his love for his best friend in any language other than his first. “Tadashi.”

In that moment, Kei can recall, wishing for nothing more than to know every single language that there is, or was, or ever will be, in the entire universe, so that he could tell Tadashi he loved him in each and every one.

But right now, as Kei boarded his train back home to Miyagi, to Karasuno, to real life, to Tadashi; even just saying those words in Japanese would be enough.

___

The train ride was bumpy. Kei hated that. 

He’d never admit it but he always hated travelling, and really any form of transportation, unless it was a skateboard or his mother’s driving. 

He had this fear that his train would derail. He’d read somewhere that the likelihood of surviving a train related accident was low. Really low.

Each bump and creak along the way incited a small amount of fear that bubbled up in Kei’s chest and threatened to burst open at any moment.

The pit in his stomach, the weight on his shoulders, the tearing in his chest. It was all because of the train. Not the destination. The train.

___

“Hinata you are such an idiot. Please shut up.” Kei spoke from underneath his eye mask, hoodie, and headphones. “I can’t see you, and I have headphones on, and somehow you are still pissing me off.”

“Seems like that’s your problem, Sucky-shima.” Hinata jutted, turning around in his seat on the bus to stick his tongue out at Kei, who couldn’t see him anyways. “Oh my god, look at you. You know for all the crap you give Kageyama about being the King, you sure do act like an evil queen.”

Kageyama snorted at this. His typical response when he couldn’t think of anything witty to say. Which was more often than not.

“You do look very regal, Tsukki.” Tadashi added from his seat beside Kei.

“Ouu! Queen Tsukishima, the true monarch of Karasuno!” Yachi contributed across the way, sharing a double seat with extra team equipment and a few loose Karasuno jackets that had been discarded and forgotten in Nekoma’s gym.

“Tsk. Whatever.” Kei huffed. He was quiet for a moment before lifting his eye mask and glaring daggers at Yachi, “I liked you better when you were scared of me.”

Tadashi laughed as Yachi launched herself across his lap and towards Kei. “You looooove me Tsukishima. I know you do.” she teased, ruffling Kei’s hair before returning to her seat across the small centre aisle of the bus.

“Shut up.” Kei huffed, significantly irritated now.

“What crawled up your ass anyways. You’re being way more salty than usual, Salty-shima.” Kageyama piped up finally.

“Good one.” Hinata praised the setter with a quick fist-bump.

“Tsukki doesn’t like being on the road. Cars and stuff make him nervous. Especially in bad weather.” Tadashi provided, gesturing to the cloudy April skies threatening to break open with heavy rain at any moment.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Kei sneered at Tadashi.

“Oh my god, do you think coach is gonna like…” Hinata started loudly before lowering his voice, “... kill us or something.”

“I will kill everyone on this bus if you don’t all shut up.” Coach Ukai called from the driver's seat, shooting an icy glare in the direction of the five third years through the rearview mirror.

“Yeah idiot,” Kageyama elbowed Hinata, “shut up.”

“You’re the idiot!” Hinata shot back, before the pair launched into their own hushed argument.

“Sorry Kei.” Tadashi spoke softly, slumping down in his seat next to Kei. Kei tensed up at the name. He hushed Tadashi, who responded in a quieter tone, “What? No one can hear me. They aren’t even paying attention.”

Kei closed his eyes and exhaled softly, leaning his weight slightly into Tadashi, in a way only Tadashi could notice.

“Why?” Tadashi whispered, “Why won’t you let anyone see us?”

“Yamaguchi-” Kei started, matching his whispered tone.

Tadashi cut him off sharply, “Don’t call me that.”

“It’s your name.”

“I don’t want you to call me by my last name anymore. Please. Why can’t we just be a couple all the time? Not just in private. I’m tired of-”

“You’re tired of what?” Kei snapped.

“Just,” Tadashi began, “just call me by my first name in public, at least give me that much.”

Kei looked at Tadashi, and Tadashi looked back at Kei. The tower was getting taller and taller and no one had toppled it in almost a year. They came close, but neither Kei nor Tadashi had the heart to push the tower over, to let it crumble around them.

“I can’t.” Kei sighed, turning away from Tadashi to look out the window.

“Okay.” Tadashi exhaled, his voice barely a whisper, but Kei could hear the hurt in his one uttered word as if he had screamed it from a rooftop.

He felt weight shift next to him as cold air hit his back through his hoodie. Glancing over his shoulder Kei watched Tadashi sit down next to Yachi, a sad smile on his face as he adjusted himself among the manager’s collection of stray Karasuno jackets.

Figures. Kei huffed internally, cursing himself as soon as the thought had entered his mind.

___

Kei shook at the memory. The feeling of his forehead pressed against the window of the train, scenery whipping by, cold air on his back. It all felt far too familiar. 

Kei pulled his phone from his pocket, the new lockscreen glaring at him cruelly. His smile was fake and ugly. His clothing looked too new. He was in a setting that didn’t suit him. He did not like this version Kei that stared back at him. 

Shaking away the thought, Kei opened his phone and selected one of the few names in his contacts. 

He pressed the phone to his ear as the call tone played, eyes squeezed shut, with a breath held high in his chest.

One ring. Then two. Three. And Four. And when Kei had given up all hope completely, the call tone stopped and was replaced with a grumbling: “Hello?”

Kei exhaled a heavy sigh of relief, before speaking, “Your majesty.”

“Ugh god, what do you want.” Kageyama answered from the other end.

“Is there practise tomorrow morning?” Kei asked coolly.

“You’d actually show up if there was?” Kageyama began, pausing only for a moment before continuing, “Yamaguchi gave us the first day back to classes off in the training schedule.”

“Which is code for you and Hinata will be in the gym at 6am tomorrow morning?”

“Ah so the city boy hasn’t forgotten all about his friends back home.” Kageyama returned. He was quite sharp today, Kei found this alarming.

“Listen, will you be there or not?” Kei asked, but it came out as more of a plea.

Kageyama, sensing the tone which was foreign to Kei, answered with a blunt; “Yes, we’ll be there.”

“Okay.” Kei exhaled the word as a sigh before regaining his composure, “Okay. I’ll see you guys tomorrow then?”

“He won’t be there you know. Yamaguchi.” 

“It’s okay. I-” Kei had to will the next few words out of his mouth, “I just really wanted to talk to you and Hinata.”  

“O-okay.” Kageyama stuttered, “Tsukishima, are you okay?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” Kei answered quickly before disconnecting the call and slouching down into his seat.

He hoped the train would swallow him up, or take him far far away, or derail.

___

Kei knew where it all went wrong.

“What do I wear to this?” Kei asked as soon as the line connected.

“Do you want to know what I’m wearing?” Tadashi asked from the other end playfully.

“You can always assume that my answer to that question will be yes.”

“I’m wearing those high waisted wide legged dress pants I have. The green ones. And my pirate shirt.” Tadashi described his outfit very poorly, but somehow Kei still knew exactly what he was wearing. “Kageyama is here already, he’s wearing a suit. Looking very dapper, my vice-captain!” Tadashi called after Kageyama. Kei assumed they were in the gym setting up.

“Can I wear a sweater? Is that okay?” Kei asked thumbing through the formal attire hanging in his closet.

“You should wear your turtleneck, and your cardigan, and those nice black pants.” Tadashi instructed Kei, “Yacchan agrees. She’s wearing a really flowy skirt, Tsukki, it goes out really far when she spins.”

Kei warmed at the excitement in Tadashi’s voice. “Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

“Yacchan also wants me to tell you that she’s wearing heels so when you get here and see a giant stomping around, don’t worry, it’s just her.” Tadashi laughed into the phone, Kei could hear Yachi yelling at him from somewhere in he background. “Ow! Our manager is so violent!”

“Goodbye. Tell the giantess I’ll look forward to looking down at her slightly less this evening.” Kei spoke into the phone while pulling clothing from his closet.

“Bye Tsukki!”

Kei sighed. Okay , he thought to himself, I’ll be fine, I can do this, for Tadashi.

When Kei arrived at the gym 15 minutes later the building was unrecognizable compared to how he had seen it just 2 hours prior as the team finished up practise. It was the last Friday before summer break and the July heat of that afternoon had started to subside as the sun sank slowly into the horizon. 

Balloons, streamers, metallic stars, various shapes of confetti, and a disco ball caught and reflected the sunset creeping through the gymnasium windows and reflected flecks of orange and yellow throughout the space. Although the sunlight would not last much longer, and it would soon be over-powered by multicoloured LED lights and glow sticks, Kei liked the gym like this. All orange and warm and relatively quiet. It reminded him of the late evenings he and Tadashi often spent together with skin touching skin, and lips peppering kisses wherever they were able.

But this particular evening in July was not one reserved for Tadashi and Kei. But rather for the team. The current Karasuno third years had been afforded the honor of seeing Karasuno High School Volleyball flourish in their time at the school, for both the boys and girl’s teams. Apparently, consistent trips to Spring Nationals had garnered a desirable reputation for the school, and their rosters were quickly filling up to be the largest they’d ever been. However, more team members and greater success equated to more equipment, more travelling, and more expenses. Ultimately, it led to a very large headache for Takeda. 

Yachi, who finds a way to concern herself with every aspect of the volleyball club, expenses included, took it upon herself to pitch the first ever Karasuno High School Volleyball Club Semi-Formal Fundraiser. Otherwise known as the reason their practise gym was filled with balloons, confetti, and a collection of alumni and current club members helping with set up at the direction of Yachi and Tadashi.

Yachi caught Kei’s eye and waved at him, whilst continuing to give instructions to a group of four first years, eager to help out. Kei approached her and Tadashi as the first years bounded off to help their manager and Yachi scribbled furiously on a clipboard she was holding.

“Hey, I was told there was going to be this super tall giantess walking around here that I had to look out for, Yamaguchi, do you know where she is?” Kei joked approaching the duo. He glanced down at Yachi, “Oh hey Yacchan, I didn’t see you there.” he spoke, resting his arm atop her head as if to rub in their very apparent height difference.

“Ah man.” Yachi pouted, punching at Kei’s arm. “I’m a whole four inches taller, thank you very much.”

“Careful, you’ll start to sound like Hinata.” Tadashi laughed. Yachi huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Well lucky for you, I’m in heels which means you get to do all my running around for me.” Yachi smiled, Kei could tell that she thought she had won this exchange. He would let her have it. “Can you please go get the cash box and raffle tickets from the club room?”

“Yeah, I got it.” Tadashi called, already on the move.

Yachi stared up at Kei who remained stagnantly placed beside her. “Aren’t you gonna go help him?”

“Does he need my help?”

“Well, I don’t need you looming over me like this. Go put those long legs to good use! Chop! Chop!” Yachi hit her pen against her clipboard authoritatively as she turned away from Kei, already moving on to the next logistical problem which needed to be tackled.

She really did become quite scary over the years. 

___

Yachi. Kei thought to himself. How was he going to face Yachi again ? 

The Sendai City train station was far emptier than Kei had seen it a month ago when he’d left for Tokyo. Now it was all orange glows and quiet shuffles of the stray evening commuters navigating their way through the station with quick steps and downcast gazes. Kei wondered if any of these adult-looking people had ever messed up in the way that he had. 

Kei had been considering himself to be an adult for a long time now. For as long as the seventeen year old could remember, he’d been told he was ‘mature for his age’ by teachers, coaches, and family members. Each one of them fueling a part of Kei’s ego which longed to be satisfied. 

Mature for his age. 

Kei laughed at the idea. Among the suits, high heels, and briefcases parading their way through the train station, Kei had never felt more infantilized.

The feeling intensified when Kei noticed his mothers car through the glass doors which separated the safety of the train station with the first piece of reality he’d be thrust into facing in the next 24 hours. The reality he’d been trying so hard to push away, to ignore.

By some act of universal intervention, the automated sliding doors opened in a swift movement as if to force Kei to cross through their threshold. 

There was a life waiting for him on the other side of those doors. One which, while he desperately tried to ignore, left a dull ache of wanting and loneliness in every fibre of his being. 

“Kei! Oh look at you my baby, you’re a proper city kid now!” His mother beckoned from inside the car the moment she caught his eye. The windows of the vehicle were all the way down, Kei knew this was his mother’s desperate attempt to hold onto the last fleeting moments of summer. 

Kei’s mom adored long drives in the late summer season. ‘The drivers are the happiest, the roads are the smoothest, and the sun paints the sky every single evening. It's a dream, soak it up boys.’ Kei recalled the words of his mother as she ushered her children out of their bedrooms on the last night of summer vacation countless years ago. It had become somewhat of a tradition, driving with all the windows down through the backroads of Karasuno on the last night of summer holiday. 

Kei’s mother had offered to make the drive to Tokyo to pick him up, but Kei refused, insisting that he’d use his time on the train to finish up his summer break homework. 

That had been a lie. 

While Kei’s homework was completed, it was done so during the first week of vacation when he had nothing better to do. The truth of the matter was that Kei didn’t believe he had the mental strength to make the five hour car ride with his mom from Tokyo to Karasuno without completely breaking down. She knew how to get under his skin and make him open up about the deepest parts of himself in a way only a mother can.

It was too much for Kei. The prospect of a one hour drive with her from Sendai back home, was daunting enough.

“Hey” Kei smiled warmly as he slid into the passenger seat after loading his suitcase in the trunk of the car and dumping his backpack in the backseat. He leaned across the console to give his mom a kiss on the cheek. “How are you?”

“Well I missed you dearly, for starters.” his mother cooed, “after this taster of being all by myself, I’ve decided you are never leaving for college. From here on out I am sabotaging all of your homework assignments so my baby never leaves me.”

“Yeah well, I give Akiteru another year in the city, max.” Kei rolled his eyes at his mother’s theatrics. “Tokyo is eating him alive, he’s not cut out for life alone in the city. You’ll get him back home, or at least back in Sendai,  just in time for me to leave.”

His mother hummed through a smile as she pondered this thought. She remained quiet as she pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road, marking the final stage in Kei’s journey back home.

“Well maybe I’ll stick with my plan, and if your predictions are correct, I can have both my boys back under my roof.” Kei’s mother spoke with certainty, a nod punctuating her statement. Kei huffed through his nose, signifying to his mother that he found her comment, at the very least, amusing. “So, how was the city? Did you have a good summer?”

“It was fine.” Kei spoke quietly, wringing his hands in his lap. Kei’s mother shot him a sidelong glance, signalling that she expected more from his response. “We went to the skytree. I saw some friends who used to go to Nekoma.” Kei offered.

“Good.” His mother nodded.

The drive was a quiet one. Kei and his mother soaking in the few remaining moments of summer before the world would become cold once again. The sun sank low into the sky, casting delicate rays of orange and pink across the horizon. Kei closed his eyes, head tilted slightly out the window as if to catch as much of the slowly disappearing sun as he was able to.

He hadn’t told his mom the details of what had happened last semester and why he couldn’t bear to stay in Karasuno any longer. He didn’t know how to find the words to explain what he had done. To shatter her image of her youngest child, her baby, who had done something truly terrible. 

“Sweetheart,” Kei’s mom began softly. The Tsukishima Telepathy had originated with her, Kei supposed. “Something happened with you and Tadashi. And before you get mad, your brother didn’t tell me anything, this is something of a mother’s intuition, okay?” Kei nodded, head still leaning out the window in avoidance. Kei’s mother continued, “You don’t ever have to tell me a thing about it. You went to Akiteru for this, and I can’t explain to you how happy I am that my boys are friends again. But Kei, no matter what, I am with you, I am in your corner, okay? You and Tadashi have something so special, and I know in my heart and soul that whatever you did that made you feel like you had to run away, it's not insurmountable. Tadashi is your person, Kei, he’ll forgive you.”

The next words tumbled clumsily out of Kei’s mouth, “Mom, I’m in love with Tadashi.”

“I know, baby.”

“No, like, I love him. I’m-” Kei pulled in a shaky breath of countryside air before pulling his eyes away from the golden horizon to glance at his mom. Silently, Kei cursed these car rides with his mom, and her witchy mom ability to get anything out of him without even asking for it. Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes and stain his cheeks for the first time in a month as he spoke the two words he had never said to a soul, the words he could barely say to himself, “I’m gay.”

“I know, baby.”

“I think he hates me,” tears spilled from Kei’s eyes and Kei did little to fight the wave of emotion passing over him, “I did something so bad, mom, I think he hates me.”

“Have you ever known Tadashi Yamaguchi to hate anyone?” Kei’s mom spoke, her voice soothing him into rational thought.

“No.”

“And do you want to fight for him?”

“Yes.”

“Then fight, baby.”

___

The clubroom was familiar. The club room was safe. It was a place where quiet whispers of Tadashi and Kei could be exhaled between kisses long after the gym had been locked up and they were the only two left at the school. Perhaps in the whole world. Kei wouldn’t know the difference.

“The gym looks really good right, Kei?” Tadashi asked brightly, digging around in the filing cabinet to retrieve the cash box.

“Mhmm” Kei hummed, leaning against the door frame watching as his friend moved quickly throughout the clubroom. 

“I’m so excited! The girls team is really fun too. It's been nice getting to know them more this year. Ono has done a really good job as the captain, everyone is really motivated.”

“You’ve done a good job too Tadashi.” Kei smiled.

“But we still lost Interhigh.”

“We always lose Interhigh. We lost interhigh with Daichi and with Ennoshita leading the team. That doesn’t mean anything.” Kei spoke flatly, the energy in the clubroom was shifting slowly.

Their tower of cards started to sway.

“It does to me. Maybe it doesn’t to you but-” Tadashi snapped, shifting his eyes to Kei, tension filling the room.

“Because you care more than I do?” Kei shot back.

One card fell from the top.

“Don’t I?” Tadashi’s eyes were full of months worth of complicated emotions.

“I care, Tadashi.” Kei maintained his flat tone of voice, rolling his eyes out of annoyance.

Tadashi laughed a bitter and terrible sound, “You’re right, I’m convinced.” he proceeded, sarcasm dripping from his tone.

A few cards from the middle shifted, causing a ripple effect of disturbance in their build-up.

“What do you want me to do? What more do you want me to do here? Run around like an idiot and put way too much effort into something so insignificant.” Kei regretted the words before they left his lips, but he spoke them nonetheless. 

The tower toppled, cards they’d forgotten had even been there were revealing themselves once again.

“I can’t believe you just said that.” Tadashi looked hurt, “Is that really how you see me?”

Kei was quiet. Unable to answer the question.

“I shouldn’t be surprised, honestly. You’ve been an asshole about this whole event as soon as Yachi pitched it. I just-” Tadashi paused, taking a deep breath and squeezing his eyes shut. He was very clearly fighting back tears, Kei hated himself, “I just thought you cared enough about me to at least pretend to care about this.”

“I do care about you Tadashi.”

“Do you? Because I’ve been turning over the facts in my head for about a year now Kei, and it really doesn’t seem like you do.” Tadashi’s tone shifted from sadness to pure spite, “I had to beg you, beg you Kei, to put an ounce of effort into Volleyball, the thing that made us best friends. Then, after confessing to each other, you have continually refused to accept my love unless we are alone, and even sometimes that isn’t enough. And you can’t even set aside your superiority complex and disinterest in the world long enough to let me get through the one night I have been looking forward to for months without wanting to scream at you.” Tadashi took in shaky inhales, “that doesn’t seem like care to me, Kei.”

Kei was quiet once more, throat dry, his tongue felt swollen in his mouth, and tears pricked the backs of his eyes threatening to spill over at any moment. Tadashi had gained confidence over the years they’d been at Karasuno, especially since becoming captain, but Kei never imagined that his best friend’s new found voice would be used to hurl insults in his direction.

“I don’t know Kei, I just got it in my head that maybe, if I was really lucky, you’d let me dance with you tonight.” Tadashi’s voice was quiet once again, never breaking eye contact with Kei.

Kei averted his gaze to his shoes.

Tadashi was braver than Kei ever was.

“Say something.” Tadashi mumbled, before proceeding, his voice shifting to a dried out plea, “Kei please, say something. Fight with me. Yell at me. Just show me you care. Please.”

The next 10 seconds of silence were the longest and most deafening moments of Kei’s life. A jumble of words rolled around in Kei’s head, flashing quickly through his mind, each thought being quickly replaced by another before he had the chance to grab onto the right words and vocalize them. He remained unmoving, eyes fixed on his shoes, every word in his mind remaining unspoken.

“Okay.” Tadashi exhaled with a sniffle, “take the cash box to Kageyama. You can man the front door with him as people show up. It shouldn’t take long to get through the initial rush of people. You can go home after that.” Kei felt the cash box being shoved into his chest, he raised his hands to take hold of it. Tadashi left the club room without either of them speaking another word.

Kei listened to the door latching behind him, he listened to Tadashi’s footsteps outside the door drift into the distance, he listened to the way the old stairs creaked as his best friend descended them and walked far away from Kei.

Kei listened to the sound of his own choked out sobs echo through the lonely silence of the darkened club room. 

Kei listened as the soft sound of music began to play from the gymnasium building below him in the distance. 

The same top 40 song that he’d heard that night rang through the radio as his mother pulled her car into the driveway of his house. The one he’d been away from for a month. The place where he laughed with Tadashi at his kitchen table. Where he had his first kiss, nervous hands touching blushed freckled cheeks in the backyard. Where he cried a stream of tears he thought would never end, the shower running to cover the sounds of his sobs.

Kei looked at the house which stood short and stable in front of him. 

I’m almost home.

Chapter Text

what i did to you.

The cold and distant loneliness of Kei’s bed made Akiteru’s worn out futon seem like a luxury fit for royalty. Kei’s room was dark and foreign. The #3 jersey hung up on his door, the framed photos of freckles and golden hair, the plush dinosaur on his bed; they all mocked Kei, reminding him of all he had left behind in Miyagi.

The wind rattled the window panes, a sound Kei had forgotten about during his short time in Tokyo. The tall buildings surrounding his brother’s apartment complex were enough to block the wind from shaking the glass separating him from the darkness of nightfall. Peering out into the night, Kei realized he hadn’t forgotten about the stars. Rather, he’d been longing to see them again since his first night in the city surrounded by light pollution. The few stars visible from his brother’s balcony paled in comparison to the stretch of magic which dusted the night sky in Miyagi. Kei had taken the stars for granted.

Kei had taken the stars for granted and here they were, just as bright and monstrous as he had left them, and Kei couldn’t bear to look; casting a blanket over his head as a fortress of protection. Kei would be seeing his stars in a few short hours and he couldn’t bear to think about it. There was no sheet to cover the bright spackle of stars intruding upon every corner of Kei’s mind. 

The fundamental problem with Kei Tsukishima was courage. Kei always seemed to have an excess of suave bravery within the most trivial of situations. A witty comeback or a strategic block. Meaningless displays of pride were Kei’s area of expertise. 

Kei coward before the stars. When he looked upon his stars he quaked. When he touched his stars he shivered. When he kissed his stars he crumbled completely. When Kei was faced with the black of night, the stars were there to spread warmth across his emptiness, and in response Kei tried to dull them. 

From beneath the blanket he could hear the stars screaming at him. 

Kei, they called, Kei look at me. Kei face me, the stars beckoned, Kei you love him, you love me, you love the stars. Kei look.

Tears careened down his face as Kei discarded the blanket from atop his head and threw it into a pile on the floor. With a huff Kei sat up in his bed, straightened his back, and glared at the stars.

“Happy now?” Kei exhaled with aggravation dripping from his words and into the night.

Kei glared at the stars until they faded into the dewy violet of morning skies, their whispers were replaced with early-morning song birds, tears long having died upon his irritated skin.

His body moved but Kei wasn’t in control as he bumbled through his morning routine. He looked like shit, his coffee tasted like nothing, his uniform was itchy, and his backpack held the weight of three years of build-up waiting to be sorted through and salvaged.

When Kei stepped outside, he woke up. The crisp morning air filled his lungs with the tingling sensation of breathing for the first time. 

Kei willed himself to look at Tadashi’s house as he passed it. He willed himself to look at their meeting place across the street at the swingset in the small playground. He willed himself to look at the highschool building as he approached it, the walls ready to expand and swallow him whole. He willed himself to look up at the club room from one story below. He willed himself to look at the gymnasium doors, opened wide to let in the morning air. He willed himself to look at the sets of blue and gold eyes which met his as he stepped through the door.

Hinata stood with his arms crossed over his chest, a pathetic attempt at a sneer crossed the orange boy’s face. Kageyama cast his eyes in Kei’s direction in a brief sidelong glance before continuing to set a ball high above his head over and over again, catching it in the resistance of long boney fingers for a moment before tossing the ball to Kei, who caught it at his chest with a huff.

Kageyama mimicked Hinata’s stature, however his sneer was far more convincing than his shorter counterpart’s. He gave Kei a once over before speaking.

“You look like shit.”

___

Yachi’s semi-formal had the gymnasium packed with people. Kei hated that.

For the first time, maybe ever, Kei was thankful for how dense Kageyama could be in picking up on social cues. It was either this, or the fact that Kageyama couldn’t be any less interested in the moodier than usual state of Kei’s attitude that prevented him from asking any questions as the pair ushered guests into the now loud and bustling gymnasium. 

The initial rush of guests; primarily club members, classmates, and faculty, had kept Kei’s mind occupied. There were a few stragglers who entered the gym after the first rush of attendees. Half-intoxicated alumni were the primary population among the group of late-arrivals. As the dance filled up and fewer people were filtering into the building, his mind and eyes began to wander. 

While he and Kageyama had been banished to the ticket table, a job which suited the uncomfortable and low-energy environment the duo created, the other third years were performing their own roles effectively as well. Hinata’s primary job since the event began was to keep the energy of the dance floor high, along with the help of the first and second years, and a very intoxicated Nishinoya among other alumni, he was doing a very good job. For a while, Yachi and Tadashi were running around and completing tasks as needed, but now as the glowsticks around Tadashi’s wrists caught Kei’s eyes, the two appeared to be relaxing for the first time that night. 

Warmth sprouted from Kei’s heart and spread throughout his body as he watched Tadashi bounce, sway, and jump around on the dance floor. Yachi reached out to Tadashi, holding his face in her hands and yelled something to him through a wide smile. Kei supposed that she had informed Tadashi that they had exceeded their fundraising goal, information she had just collected from Kei and Kegeyama a few moments prior, before bounding into the crowded dance floor.  Tadashi threw his head back in a fit of laughter, his cheeks were rosy from movement, and he looked the most at ease Kei had seen him in weeks. Yachi did that , Kei thought to himself.

Something inside of Kei’s chest tightened as he remembered the way Tadashi’s face twisted and broke open with tears in the club room, just over an hour prior. Kei did that.

Kei knew that he had to do something to make it up to Tadashi. He’d completely froze up during their argument earlier, regardless of his endless feelings for Tadashi. If he could just take the step, reach out, grab hold of Tadashi, and have the confidence to make him more than his best friend, he knew that everything would be better. It was astounding to Kei that without either of them realizing it, Tadashi had become the bravery, the voice, the confidence, and the spokesperson for the duo. 

Kei had become nothing, and was on the verge of losing everything.

The music changed, clearing Kei’s mind and refocusing him on his surroundings. Where the gym was once filled with an upbeat pop song, it was replaced by a love song with a slow tempo. Kei watched as the dance floor changed its form from a mass of bodies jumping and swaying, to pairs of people taking hold of one another for a slow dance. 

He watched his nervous classmates ask girls to dance with them, he watched his alumni grab hold of one another without hesitation. He willed himself to stand up, eyes fixed on Tadashi. Kei felt Kageyama eyeing him as he took a step towards the dance floor. Then another step. Then another. And then, he stopped.

Kei watched Tadashi reach his hand out to Yachi, and he watched her accept his invitation. He watched as his best friend pulled the nicest girl he has ever met into his embrace with a smile on his face. Kei watched Tadashi smile as he swayed with Yachi in his arms. The pair looked more comfortable than any other couple on the dance floor. Kei watched as Yachi spoke to Tadashi, her head pressed comfortably to his chest. Kei watched as Tadashi laughed before pressing a peck to the top of Yachi’s head. It was as if they’d done this a thousand times before. 

And Kei could do nothing but watch it all happen before turning on his heel and leaving the gym in a rush, Kageyama’s calls of “Tsukishima!” echoing in a far off place, unreachable to Kei.

____

Kei felt like an intruder in the gymnasium which had become like a second home to him over the past two years. He knew every corner of the space like the back of his hand. He knew that the furthest window on the right side of the gym couldn’t be opened anymore after being jammed from the impact of one of Asahi’s spikes ricocheting off the hardwood floors in Kei’s first year. He knew that the clock hung high on the wall looking over the court had stopped working a few months ago. He knew that one of the doors to the storage room had to be pulled with a greater amount of force in order to open it as the hinges rusted with age. Kei knew everything about the space, and yet, like everything else in this town, the gym felt foreign to him since he’d returned.

The most foreign thing of all was the vulnerability he felt while sitting with his legs kicked out in front of him on the gym floor, while Hinata and Kageyama sat across from him expectantly. He felt as though he shouldn’t be there, nervously checking over his shoulder every so often out of fear of someone else entering the gym unexpectedly.

“No one else will show up Tsukishima,” Hinata spoke, noticing the anxiety radiating off of Kei’s every movement, “the first and second years never come early for practise. Plus Yamaguchi-” Hinata winced at the name as it left his mouth before continuing, “he gave the team this morning off anyways.”

Kei nodded. Words abandoning him.

“Hey, so, uh,” Hinata proceeded, trying to find his own words to fill the crushing silence of the gym, “why did you want to talk to us-”

“I’m,” Kei started, cutting Hinata off, “I’m sorry, okay?”

Hinata and Kageyama glanced at one another in disbelief, Kei was sure they were having a mental conversation he’d never be able to understand. They often did that, the pair drifting away from the rest of the group as they got caught up in their own little world. Sometimes it reminded Kei of the way that he Tadashi could read each other like a book.

“Yeah? For what?” Kageyama asked, turning his nose up at Kei. Kei had known going into this that of the two, Kageyama would be the more challenging one to win over in his attempts to make amends. Kageyama was loyal, and more than that, he and Tadashi had fostered an unlikely and impossibly strong friendship since being named captain and vice-captain in their third year.

“For everything.” Kei stared hard at his shoes, “I fucked up. I hurt him and he’s your friend too and I didn’t think about how shitty it was for you guys that I just up and left this summer. I should’ve stayed and I know that. I’m sorry.”

“You abandoned the team. We’re upperclassmen now, we’re supposed to be the strongest ones here. Everyone’s supposed to look up to us, ya know?” Hinata’s eyes had softened but his voice carried with it the hurt that he felt. “You weren’t here and that sucked.”

“I know. You’re right.” Kei forced himself to look at Hinata as he spoke, “I’m sorry, Hinata.”

“If anyone had the right to run away from all this it was Yamaguchi, and he stayed. He was here everyday, man.” Kageyama's face was all harsh lines and rock hard features, Kei wasn’t off the hook yet. “He was here everyday with a smile on his face, leading the team, and being our captain. And you. You fucked off to Tokyo? How’s that fair, Tsukishima, I’d like to know?”

“It’s not.” Kei looked to the ceiling in an attempt to keep the tears he felt pricking the backs of his eyes contained. “It’s not. He’s a better person than I am, he always has been. He’s braver than me and he’s stronger than I’ve ever been. He’s the best of all of us and I-” Kei felt the tears on his cheeks before he realized they’d even begun to flow.

The thought of Tadashi commanding the attention of their team of 19 players for the past thirty days while Kei sat in a dingy Tokyo apartment feeling sorry for himself, made Kei’s heart tear open and spill out onto the gym floor.

“What is this really about?” Kageyama asked, his voice soft for the first time since their conversation started.

“I love him.” Kei’s voice was barely above a whisper, but by the way Hinata’s eyes sparkled and Kageyama’s mouth twitched, Kei knew they heard him. Kei continued, squeezing his eyes shut as he spoke. “I can’t speak for him, I don’t know how he feels or anything, but I love him.”

The silence to follow was deafening. 

____

The scene flashed in Kei’s mind like a bad movie. The grasping of hands, their bodies holding one another, the kiss on the head, Yachi’s eyes, Tadashi’s smile. 

Tadashi’s smile , Kei thought to himself.

Kei couldn’t remember the last time he made Tadashi smile like that.

Yachi could do that for him. Yachi didn’t care who saw them dance together. She was excited about the same things as Tadashi. She could make him laugh. Yachi, Kei thought to himself, was everything Kei wasn’t. She was everything Tadashi had asked Kei to be. 

His body had carried his reeling mind instinctively up the stairs towards the club room. Spare the altercation earlier that evening, the clubroom, Kei knew, was safe. The clubroom was good.

“Hey watch yourself.” A gruff voice spoke from below him.

Kei looked down to see dark eyes peering up at him through a haze of smoke. Kei knew he recognized the face looking back at him. But they were still strangers to each other.

“Don’t smoke out here, you’ll stink up our clubroom.” Kei spat. The stranger didn’t do anything to him, and Kei really didn’t mind the smoke in all honesty. But he was on edge and looking for a fight.

“Oh please,” the stranger scoffed, “I know your coach is a chainsmoker, don’t give me that crap.”

“Yeah well,” Kei spoke with less of an edge to his tone, “at least he has the decency to do it away from us.”

“Yes, of course. We wouldn’t want to hurt the lungs of Japan’s best and brightest future pro-athletes.” the stranger spoke through an exhale of smoke.

Kei eyed the stranger before cautiously sitting down next to him. He was amused to find a person who could match his quick wit and dry sarcasm. He allowed himself to forget the painful scene currently unfolding in the gym.

“What are you doing up here anyways.” Kei questioned, searching for something to keep him distracted.

“Ono completely bailed on me to go hang out with that annoying guy on your team with the stupid mohawk.” The stranger spoke with disinterest. It clicked in Kei’s mind where he’d known the stranger from. He was always hanging around with Ono, the captain of the girls team. “They were gonna go look at the stars or something. Made me want to puke so I came up here to get away from the noise.”

Kei nodded without contributing anything. The stranger continued.

“I went to the field first but a bunch of alum are drinking and I think making out with each other down there, so this seemed like the next best spot to be.” The stranger shrugged, and spoke once more, “I could ask you the same thing ya know. Seems like you should be down where all the action is, no? You’re a third year, shouldn’t you be setting a good example.”

“Tsk.” Kei rolled his eyes, “why do you know so much about my team and everything.”

“I’m best friends with Ono who is maybe the biggest gossip I’ve ever met. You must be stupid if you think I don’t know everything that goes on in this club. Besides,” The stranger offered a cigarette to Kei who shook his head in decline, “I have my own personal interests.” 

“Personal interests?” Kei questioned.

“Something to that effect, yeah.” The stranger reached across Kei’s legs to tuck the carton of cigarettes into his backpack, which Kei hadn’t realized he was almost sitting on.

Kei flushed at the closeness of the stranger. Everyone he’d ever met had known better than to invade his personal space. With one exception. Kei pushed the thought of freckled hands and lips out of his mind. These thoughts were easily replaced with panic upon feeling a hand gently placed on his thigh. 

“What are you doing.” Kei managed, snapping his head quickly to glare at the stranger.

“Do you want me to move?” The stranger asked, absentmindedly butting out the end of his cigarette on the side of his boot.

“I don’t care.” Kei spoke with a shrug trying his best to uphold his calm and cool demeanor.

“Ok cool,” The stranger spoke, his genuinely relaxed tone put Kei’s feeble attempt to shame. “I don’t care much either.”

The two sat in silence for a moment, the slow song ringing from the gym below had just come to an end.

“So, do you care if I kiss you then?” The stranger asked with blunt confidence.

“What?” Kei gulped. No one had ever been this forward with him except Tadashi. Tadashi. Why was he thinking about Tadashi right now?

“Or are you too hung up on that boy of yours?” the stranger spoke with a click of his tongue, casting Kei a sidelong gaze. Kei shot him a glare, anger creeping into his veins. “Like I said, Ono tells me a lot about this club.”

“I’m not- He’s not my anything.” Kei was seething as he spat the words. 

“But you want him to be?” Kei opened his mouth to object but the stranger spoke over him, “or are you up here flirting with me while he’s down there with all your friends because everything is fine between the two of you.”

“I’m not flirting with you, I have no interest in you.”

“Okay, so then are you gonna go down there and talk to him, because you are clearly very interested in him.” The stranger laughed and Kei was seeing red.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Or are you going to stay up here,”

“Shut up.”

“and let me kiss you-”

Kei could no longer bear to hear the condescending words of the stranger sitting in front of him. Kei needed him to shut up. 

Maybe it was the need for silence, maybe it was frustration, maybe it was anger and jealousy, maybe it was so he could prove something to himself. Maybe it was a combination of all of these things which caused Kei to close the gap between himself and the stranger. 

Kei hated it. The kiss wasn’t warm or tender the way it was with Tadashi. It was cold and lonely, all the electricity in the air died when their lips met. 

Still the stranger kissed him back and Kei let him do it. He was punishing himself.

When Kei heard a crashing sound coming from behind him, he jumped away from the stranger and glanced over his shoulder, a pit in his stomach already forming. Hinata stood hunched over himself at the top of the stairs, hand clutching the banister. He looked as though he had just tripped over the last step on the way up to the balcony where Kei and the stranger were sitting. His eyes were blown impossibly wide, the captain of the girls team stood behind him. Her expression was equally as surprised.

“Tsukishima, what-” Hinata began, unable to find any words.

In a quick motion the stranger reached across Kei and grabbed his backpack. He rose to his feet and began to walk toward Hinata and Ono, giving Kei a quick tap on his foot with his own boot as he walked past.

“Later.” The stranger spoke without sparing Kei another glance, before reaching Ono and looping an arm around her shoulder, “How was your night with your loverboy?” He asked playfully as he whisked the dishevelled girl down the stairs and away from Kei and Hinata.

“Kageyama said you left and you looked upset so I wanted to see if you were okay.” Hinata began carefully, “Who was that?”

“Never got his name actually.” Kei spoke as casually as he could muster, already rising to his feet. He had to get out of here.

“You didn’t get his name-” Hinata started in disbelief before cutting himself off, “What about Yamaguchi?”

“What about him?” Kei snapped.

“Aren’t you guys like-”

“We aren’t anything.” Kei exhaled, breezing past Hinata and beginning his descent of the stairs, “I’m going home.”

Hinata looked hurt. Kei couldn’t piece together why. This had nothing to do with him.

“Tsukishima.” Hinata urged, Kei turned and gazed up at the short boy. He didn’t like the position he was in, looking up to Hinata for the bottom of the stairs. Hinata’s expression softened and Kei felt powerless. “So, Yachi might need a hand later to pull down some of the decorations Asahi put up way too high.”

Kei rolled his eyes. This was obviously an excuse to get him to stay. “And why can’t Asahi help you.”

“He had to drive Noya home before coach saw how plastered he was.” Hinata scratched the back of his head nervously.

“Well what about Kageyama? Or you? You’ve grown a whole inch since first year.” Kei was impossibly condescending.

“Hey!” Hinata yelled, taking the bait, “I’ve grown four!”

“Even better.” Kei smirked as he turned away, “Bye, Hinata.”

Kei left Hinata and the club room behind. He walked away from the pounding bass of the gym. He passed his alumni smoking beside the main school building. Kei walked away. He wouldn’t return to that gym until over a month later.

____

“Why’d you do it?” Hinata asked, his eyes carefully examining Kei’s features. “You love him, so your idea was to go makeout with some rando on the balcony?”

Kei dug the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars. Kei cursed the stars.

“I was stupid.” Kei spoke, the pressure he felt in his eyes was comforting.

“Well, duh.” Kageyama chimed in, “Care to elaborate?”

“We would fight about it.” Kei began, “I was comfortable how we were. And he wanted more, he wanted to be out, and I-” Kei straightened his glasses, “I was scared and I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want anything to change.”

Kei’s eyes met Hinata’s and Kageyama’s. They peered at him expectantly.

Kei continued, “And then I saw him dancing with Yachi and I freaked out. So I left and then this guy was there, and I wanted to prove that I could be with someone else because Tadashi deserves better than me.”

“Yes, and then I had the great pleasure of seeing you with that weird guy Ono is friends with.” Hinata shook his head, “that was a fun little conversation piece between her and I this summer.”

“Yeah and we had to tell Yamaguchi, so that sucked.” Kageyama looked at his shoes.

“I knew you guys would.” Kei spoke, “I knew Tadashi would find out. I just didn’t want to be the one to tell him. I couldn’t watch his opinion of me get worse right in front of my eyes.”

“He still went to your place that night though, right?” Hinata inquired, “We didn’t tell him about everything until after the dance was over, but he still left before we did.”

Kageyama nodded, “We told him to go. We covered him on cleanup duty.”

“I was waiting for him at the park between our houses.” Kei spoke, recalling the memory.

“So, what happened?” Hinata asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

“Idiot, he probably doesn’t want to tell us.” Kageyama elbowed Hinata. It was the first time since Kei had arrived at the gym that Kageyama’s aggression had been directed to anyone but Kei. He was grateful.

___

Kei let his feet drag through the sand pit below him as he gently rocked himself on the rusty old swing set. The park was dimly lit and empty. The location of countless summer night rendezvous between Kei and Tadashi felt abandoned and haunted by ghosts of who they once were. Kei stared evenly out to the street in front of him. He was waiting. He struggled between staying where he was, relying on the fact that he knew his best friend would trek to his house after hearing the news of Kei’s mistake that evening. Another part of Kei urged him to go back to the school, to go back to the clubroom, to find Tadashi himself. His internal struggle resolved itself when Kei saw Tadashi round the corner onto his street.

Rather than walking down the street in the direction of Kei’s house, Tadashi bounded straight ahead to the playground. It was as though Tadashi knew Kei would be there. Of course he would know .

Kei watched expectantly. He waited for yelling and tears. He waited for even just one word to float out of Tadashi’s mouth and destroy him completely. But nothing came.

When Tadashi sat down wordlessly on the swing next to Kei, the creaking of rusted chains tore through the silence of the night like a dagger through Kei’s flesh. Kei cast Tadashi a side long gaze, Tadashi returned the look with soft eyes and pink cheeks. They both looked down at their shoes and the pair absentmindedly lulled themselves gently on the swing set.

They stayed like that for as long as the silence would allow them. Each boy was desperately making a feeble attempt to find normalcy. They've been at this park on these swings an infinite number of times. They tried desperately to cling to this time, each boy knowing it could be their last.

Kei could see the wreckage of the delicate house of cards toppled violently around their feet. They weren’t building back up. They were statically fixed upon the ground. 

“We have to do this.” Tadashi sighed, finally breaking the silence. Kei nodded in agreement, “Okay, before we start though, you have been my favourite person for as long as I can remember. I-” Tadashi’s eyes cast upwards to the sky, “I will never take back the time I’ve spent loving you.”

“Me too.” Kei spoke. He felt emptied out, like a shell of who he thought he was.

“Okay.” Tadashi nodded and reached for Kei’s hand, giving it one squeeze before pulling away. It was a fleeting moment of tenderness, the calm before the storm. And the storm was raging behind Tadashi’s eyes. “So, what the hell is going on, Kei?”

“I think you are sick of me. I think you’ve grown exhausted of me.” Kei’s voice was tight.

“I give so much, I give you so much! So much of my time, my interest, my compassion, my love.” Tadashi was angry but his voice remained steady, “Kei, I give you everything I can and you don’t even try to appreciate the things that I care about.”

“Okay, I’m sorry that my form of affection isn’t like you, or Hinata, or-or Yachi.” The argument was gaining traction, the pace of the exchange was speeding up like an intense rally in a game, it felt out of Kei’s control, “Why can’t you just accept that I’ve opened myself up to you, more than I have with anyone”

“Okay, but you have no problem making out with random guys outside of the club room?” Tadashi’s voice was venomous now, “Is that what your form of affection looks like, Kei?”

“Tadashi, that wasn’t-”

“No, it’s interesting that you’ve never so much as held my hand on school property, let alone stuck your tongue in my mouth in front of our friends.” Tadashi’s voice was rising.

“That is so unfair, is that honestly what you want?” Kei matched Tadashi’s volume.

“Oh my god!” Tadashi yelled, pushing himself off the swing and taking a few paces before turning back to Kei furiously, “Haven’t I made that obvious, Kei?”

“I don't want to ruin anything! Your my best friend and I don’t want to fuck it up! So, why can’t we just stay like this?” Kei looked to the sky as he called out into the night.

Tadashi dug the toe of his shoe into the sand beneath him. The tempo of the argument had screeched to a halt. Tadashi spoke after a moment, “Best friends? Yeah, what a joke, huh?” He spat.

Kei peered up at Tadashi from his seat on the swing, “What do you mean, what's the joke?”

“Kei, we aren’t best friends.” These were the words Kei was waiting for. The ones that would tear him open and leave incurable wounds throughout his soul. “We’ve outgrown each other, clearly. We don’t like the same things, we don’t like the same people, and I have never been hurt by a friend the way you have hurt me, let alone a best friend.” Tadashi stared deeply into Kei, awaiting a reply that wouldn’t come. Kei couldn’t speak even if he’d tried. Tadashi sighed and continued softly, “This isn’t working Kei, its not working and I’m fucking exhausted of begging you for affection.”

Kei spat the next words out of his mouth, “You’re tired? What about me? Do you think I enjoy feeling like shit everyday because I can’t give you what you want?” Tadashi’s silence urged Kei to continue, “I hate this Tadashi, I hate hurting you like this. I just need you to be patient with me please, I’m not- I don’t know what all of this is, I don’t like thinking about it because it scares the hell out of me.”

“I know Kei, I understand where you’re coming from but I’m so sad. I’m so sad all the time. I see a couple holding hands and I want to scream.” Tadashi’s voice was soft, it felt like coming home, regardless of the words he was speaking. Kei wished he could drown in their warmth. Tadashi’s next words were barely above a whisper, “I just wish we could love each other the way we both deserve to be loved.”

“We can.” Kei pleaded. Tadashi’s eyes were glued to the ground.

“But I don’t think we can.” Tadashi looked up to Kei, eyes sparkling with tears. “We’ve tried and I don’t think we can.”

“Okay.” Kei choked out, “So, what are you saying?”

“I don’t know Kei. I guess that I just need to take a step back” Tadashi sighed. He sounded exhausted. Kei did that.

“Okay.” Kei bit his cheek to keep from sobbing.

“Yeah.” Tadashi’s eyes darted across Kei’s everything, waiting for a reply, for an objection, for anything. 

“Okay.” Kei managed to choke out again.

“Enjoy your summer, Kei.” Tadashi whispered before walking away into the night. 

Kei watched him go, every step of the way. 

Tadashi didn’t look back even once.

___

When the sound of students bustling through the halls began to ring through the gymnasium doors, the three boys got up from their place seated on the floor.

“Hinata go get the mops, Yamaguchi can’t know we were here.” Kageyama ordered, “He’s been yelling at me for what he calls an ‘unhealthy addiction’ to practise, so this place needs to be spotless.”

“Yeah whatever, he definitely already knows.” Hinata scoffed, walking towards the storage room, “Unlike either of you, he’s very perceptive.”

As the orange boy walked away, a heavy tension settled over Kei and Kageyama. Kei hated this.

“As far as I’m concerned, you’re forgiven on our end.” Kageyama grunted, nodding his head to gesture in the direction where Hinata had walked off, “It must have been super embarrassing for you, of all people, to not only come here begging for our forgiveness, but then you cried in front of us.” Kageyama’s mouth turned up into a smirk, “Oof. What a day, huh?”

“Shut up.” Kei chided, relief settling across his skin, “but, thank you.”

“Sure.” Kageyama shrugged, “So what’s next?”

“Homeroom.” Kei spoke dryly, but his heart was racing at the prospect of walking into a classroom and being engulfed in freckles.

“I can see you’ve done too much sharing for one day, so I’ll leave you to it then.” Kageyama began making his way towards Hinata before turning to face Kei once again, “Hey, um, you were missed this summer. The team- the team missed you this summer.” Kageyama looked almost as uncomfortable as Kei felt.

“Don’t try to do this.” Kei shook his head.

“Yeah, this is not our style.” Kageyama smiled to himself, “Hinata thinks I need to be more…” he sighed as he threw his hands wildly around himself in a gesture Kei couldn’t piece together.

“Warm, Vice-captain. You need to exude more warmth.” Hinata laughed, swinging an arm around the taller boy’s shoulder and poking his cheek.

“Well it's not working, so I should just stop.” Kageyama huffed, gesturing to Kei in defeat.

“I didn’t mean with him .” Hinata bubbled with giggles, “Tsukishima couldn’t accept warmth if he was lit on fire and thrown into a volcano!”

“Thanks.” Kei contributed dryly.

“I mean with the first years, they’re scared of you! You’ve gotta be more welcoming and warm, that's your job as vice-captain!”

“Well that's what Yamaguchi does, so we’re covered.” Kageyama argued.

“Yeah, but he also has to be scary and commanding!” Hinata huffed, “He’s working overtime and you’re completely slacking!”

“You are an idiot! You don’t know what you are talking about! I can be warm, warmer than you.” Kageyama yelled.

As Hinata opened his mouth to respond, Kei interjected.

“As much as I would love to stick around and watch Kageyama lose this argument, I have to go to class.” Kei announced as he walked towards the gym door.

“See, even Tsukishima thinks I’m warmer.” Kei could hear their argument continue as he left the little oasis of hardwood floors and squeaky shoes, and entered into what he had been dreading since getting on the train to Tokyo a month ago.

Within these halls walked Kei’s dearest friend and the only person he will ever love. 

I’m almost home.

Chapter Text

it's like i couldn't breathe

The hallways of Karasuno High were bustling with students eagerly buzzing their way to their homeroom classes. Amidst the sea of uniforms, Kei was thankful he could camouflage himself in the crowd. He had homeroom with Tadashi and Yachi, and he was mortified at the idea of bumping into one of them before class when he wouldn’t have enough time to explain himself. 

Kei had spent the past month carefully curating his every move upon arrival to his homeroom class. Kei had a plan. He would take his seat at the back of the classroom, avoiding eye contact with anyone. He would breeze through the first period without drawing any attention to himself, then at lunch he would ask Tadashi to eat with him outside and they would talk then. 

It was fool proof. 

Despite the way his hands shook as he grasped the door handle to his homeroom, Kei felt good about his plan.

Kei pushed through the door and cast his eyes to the floor, he walked past where he knew Yachi and Tadashi would be sitting based on their seating arrangements last semester, and quietly settled himself in his desk at the back of the room.

By the time Kei had placed his workbook on his desk next to his completed summer homework assignment and his favourite mechanical pencil, Kei assumed it would be safe for him to look up.

Kei allowed his eyes to casually graze throughout the room, he was observing his surroundings. He was not , desperately searching for a brown head of shaggy hair and freckled ears poking out from beneath. And it's a good thing Kei definitely wasn’t looking for those things, because they weren’t even there to begin with.

Kei’s eyes darted frantically throughout the room. He could see Yachi, her blond pigtails were tied back with the star hair clips Hinata had bought for her, making her easy to identify. He scanned the room once, twice, three times. Over and over again Kei looked for Tadashi. Over and over again, Tadashi was not there.

He’s probably just running late, slept in or got caught up talking to Takeda, Kei attempted to reason with himself as his teacher took her place at the front of the room and began taking attendance.

“Tsukishima?” His teacher called. Kei half-heartedly raised his hand in response. She breezed through the attendance list, Kei held his breath the entire time. 

“Yachi?” She called.

“Here!” Yachi chirped nervously in response.

Kei’s teacher read through the rest of the ‘Y’ names and concluded her attendance sheet with a nod, before beginning with her lesson. 

She never called his name. Did she miss it? It should have been right between Yachi and Yamamoto but she never called his name. Why didn’t she call his name?

Kei’s throat ached for water. His palms sweat profusely. He adjusted his glasses and attempted to refocus on his teacher’s lecture, but he failed in his attempts. 

This was not part of the plan.

____

Kei didn’t know what to do with himself. It had been three days since he last spoke to Tadashi, it was the longest the pair had gone without so much as a text or a video call since they both got phones in the 7th grade. 

He remembered that day fondly. His mother had called him downstairs to make the announcement after having spent hours on the landline talking to Tadashi’s mom. They often spoke on the phone with each other on sunday afternoons. Sometimes when Tadashi was over, he and Kei would silently creep halfway down the staircase, still hidden out of sight from Kei’s mom chopping vegetables in the kitchen, as she chatted away to Mrs. Yamaguchi. 

The pair would listen to their conversation, or half of it at least, given that they could only hear the words of Kei’s mother. They never got much information out of it, but sometimes they’d find out something huge . Like the time Kei’s mom admitted that she didn’t mind if the boys had weekday sleepovers, or when it was revealed that Tadashi’s mother called their elementary school every year since the pair had met to ensure the boys were in the same class. Or, when the pair excitedly scurried up the stairs covering the excited giggles threatening to bubble out of their mouths as they revelled in the news that the boys would both be getting cell phones before starting the 7th grade the following week.

And if Kei and Tadashi hadn’t been already, from then on they were inseparable. If not with each other physically, they were texting, calling, sharing playlists, sending pictures of their food or other things about their day that they were certain the other would find cool.

Their conversation on the swingset a few nights prior rang through Kei’s ears as he breezed past the park on his skateboard. His music blared loudly in his ears in an attempt to drown out the noise. But Tadashi’s words were far too loud. “Kei, we aren’t best friends… I just need to take a step back.”  

Kei shuddered despite the warm summer breeze that blew through his hair. He skated past Tadashi’s house, not daring to cast a glance in its direction. Kei knew that if he looked up at the house, he’d strain his neck to check and see if Tadashi’s bike was leaned up against the outer wall. If his bike was there, then Tadashi was home. If Tadashi was home Kei would want to rush to the door, barge into his family home, run upstairs to Tadashi’s room, and never leave. If Tadashi’s bike was gone- if he wasn’t home- Kei would tear himself apart wondering where he was, what he was doing, and who he was with, if not Kei.

Kei didn’t look. He stared straight ahead. He picked a tall tree standing a few blocks away and kept his eyes trained on it until he breezed past, picking another tree in the distance to take its place. 

Kei continued to do so until he arrived at his destination. Truthfully, it wasn’t so much a destination, as it was a place to go for a few minutes of the afternoon so his mother couldn’t scold him for staying inside for the third day in a row.

The Sakanoshita Market was bustling with kids who appeared to be high school age. They excitedly bought popsicles, soda, and ice cream in an attempt to escape the warmth of the first few days of summer vacation. Kei was thankful that he didn’t recognize anyone as he quickly pulled a strawberry soda from the refrigerator and made his way to the register, his skateboard clenched protectively at his hip.

“Where’d you run off to the other night, glasses?” Coach Ukai challenged from behind the counter.

“Home.” Kei replied, tossing some money down on the counter, “Keep the change, I know the school isn’t paying you well.”

“Charming as always.” Ukai huffed to himself, as Kei walked away swiftly, raising his hand to wave over his shoulder nonchalantly.

When Kei stepped outside he marvelled in the way the sun warmed his cheeks. Enjoying the brightness of the afternoon, Kei plopped himself down on his skateboard, kicking his legs out in front of him and cracking open his bottle of soda. He allowed himself to rock gently back and forth, his board gliding smoothly across the pavement beneath him. Sighing, Kei squeezed his eyes shut. I am sitting on the ground, loitering outside of Sakanoshita because I have no friends and I am so completely alone and pathetic. Like sarcasm, self-pity came naturally to Kei.

The feeling of yellow and orange across Kei’s cheeks, soon felt blue. Keeping his eyes closed Kei spoke to whoever dared block his light while he was so clearly in the middle of a narcissistic meltdown.

“Do you mind?” Kei chided.

“Not too much, to be honest with you.” the words came from above him. But Kei wasn’t focused on the words, as much as he was on that voice. Cracking open his eyes, Kei dared to look up at the pair of dark eyes looking down upon him. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Kei spat. Watching as the stranger from three nights ago shifted from standing to squatting in front of Kei, matching his eyeline.

“Hey.” The stranger smiled. 

Kei felt sick.

____

The morning dragged on. Kei couldn’t hear a single word his teacher spoke. His eyes remained glued to the blank notebook on his desk in front of him. Kei’s brain felt empty despite the thoughts screaming through his mind.

When the bell sounded, signalling the beginning of lunch, Kei hadn’t realized that he’d sat through two full classes of dull noise. His homeroom class felt grey and bleak.

Kei was jostled back to reality when a familiar voice spoke from above him.

“Tsukishima, I need to collect your summer homework.” Yachi’s voice had an edge to it that made Kei’s chest collapse in itself.

“Uh, yeah.” Kei nervously shifted the contents of his desktop to reveal his homework assignment. “Here.” he offered Yachi the stack of papers neatly stapled together.

Yachi had been elected as the class representative at the beginning of their first semester. Tadashi nominated her name for the role after Kei had made a dumb remark about no one else in their homeroom being fit for the job. Yachi won the vote from the class a few days later. Her face turned a soft pink colour as the news was announced to the class. Kei remembered the way Tadashi beamed at her standing at the front of the room. Kei rolled his eyes as she nervously bowed before the class. He’d never understand how someone as qualified and organized as Yachi was still so humble. Of course she’d been the only right choice for the job, she was wonderful.

After Kiyoko and their other older classmates graduated, Yachi was forced to be independent. From Kei’s perspective, Yachi thrived when the others left. She was a hard worker, Kei thought she worked the hardest out of any of them. She was always trying to prove herself to a team who had accepted her from day one. It frustrated Kei how uncertain she was. Yachi was smart, she was kind, she always had all the answers. It frustrated Kei how much she didn’t see that herself.

Yachi grasped Kei’s homework assignment and added it to the pile gathered in her arms. As she moved towards the front of the class Kei’s heart caught in his throat.

“Yachi.” Kei spoke quietly. Part of him hoped she didn’t hear him. 

The way she stopped her movements and shifted the stack of papers in her arms tentatively, let Kei know that she was listening.

“Can I talk to you?” A hint of desperation dripped from his voice.

Yachi sighed, the tension visibly draining from her shoulders only to reappear again moments later.

“Okay.” She spoke quietly.

Kei remained in his seat until Yachi had collected the rest of the homework assignments from their classmates. She dropped them on the desk at the front of the room before collecting her school bag from her seat and casting a glance in Kei’s direction.

Silently, Kei rose from his chair and navigated through the room. His classmates were engaged in casual conversations about their summer vacations, desks pushed together to talk in larger groups while they ate their lunch. Kei moved through the room to meet Yachi at the door frame.

“Yachi, I-” Kei began as he approached her.

“No.” Yachi squeaked. Squeezing her eyes shut, she proceeded, “Don’t talk to me yet. I’m not happy with you and if we talk here in front of all these people I know I’ll give in without yelling at you and I want to yell at least a little bit, okay?”

“Okay.” Kei spoke quietly. As Yachi turned around and walked down the hallway, Kei couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his face as he followed closely behind. 

____

Staring into the dark eyes that had ruined everything just three nights before, Kei was filled with anger

Kei moved to stand up, grabbing his skateboard from beneath him as he did so. Without words Kei began to skate away from the stranger. There was no way he was talking to this guy again.

“Wait up!” a voice approached him as the stranger caught up to Kei on a board of his own, “I wanted to talk to you.”

“I have nothing to say to you.” Kei tried to find a tree to focus on.

“Okay, but I have some things to say to you.” the stranger offered, “My name is Okamura. By the way.”

Kei halted in his movements, coming to a rapid stop. The stranger- Okamura- looked startled in the way he clambered to stop his own skateboard in his movements.

“What do you want from me?” Kei snapped, angry now.

“I told you, I want to talk to you.” Okamura looked desperate.

“Okay, start talking.” Kei crossed his arms over his chest. “Make it fast.”

Okamura looked around the street nervously before opening his mouth. He appeared hesitant and shy, a drastic change from the suave and bold demeanor he carried the few nights prior. 

“I wanted to apologize. For uh, the other night.” Okamura began, eyes fiercely staring into Kei’s. “The truth is, I don’t have any interest in you. I was- dealing with something… with someone. And I wanted to be vindictive and you just so happened to show up and, uh, yeah...” Okamura trailed off and Kei felt fire run through his veins.

“What the hell are you talking about.” Kei asked through gritted teeth. He wasn’t hoping for a love confession, but this blow to his confidence didn’t feel great either. Kei was pathetic.

“Ono. She’s, uh… well she’s it for me, ya know?” Okamura’s cheeks flushed. “She’s always going for guys who have dumb haircuts, or shitty taste in music, or treat her bad. And it pisses me off.”

Kei’s head was spinning. Ono? The captain of the girl’s team, Ono? Kei recalled Okamura saying they were best friends, he remembered the way her face fell as she stood at the top of the stairs with Hinata as Kei jumped away from Okamura. But it didn’t make sense.

“But if you like her… why would you want to kiss me?” Kei asked dumbly.

“I’m bi. Besides, I didn’t want to kiss you, that’s what I’m trying to say, genius.” Okamura shot back.

“What the fuck.” Kei huffed, “So I was just a piece in this little revenge plot you had going on between you and Ono?”

“Hey, don’t act like you are any better than I am!” Okamura clenched his fists at his side looking down.

“I would never do what you did!” Kei raised his voice.

“Oh my god!” Okamura shot back, stepping forward to grab the front of Kei’s shirt in his fists. “You did! You did exactly what I did! We did the exact same thing!”

“No.” Kei uttered, feet firmly planted on the ground as Okamura shook his shoulders using the fabric of Kei’s shirt tightly balled up in each hand.

Okamura scoffed as he let go of Kei’s shirt, pushing the taller boy’s body away from his own as he did so.

“Whatever, man.” Okamura huffed. “You’ve gotta open your eyes at some point and take some responsibility for your actions.”

“You don’t get to just show up on some high fucking horse and tell me how much I’ve screwed everything up.” Kei shook his head furiously.

“Not everything is about pride! I’m not saying I’m any better or worse than you are, to tell you the truth, it seems to me that we are both monsters in our own ways.” Okamura shook his head sadly as he picked up his board from the pavement below him. “I’m just saying that I’m done hurting the people I love. I thought you might like to do the same.”

Kei watched, paralyzed, as Okamura mounted his skateboard and breezed past him, gliding into the distance and leaving Kei alone once again.

____

Kei had always been fond of the patch of grass behind the Karasuno gymnasium. He often found himself hidden away from the gym doors and windows on water breaks during practise. The grass was cool and welcoming. 

Hinata and Kageyama liked to race from the gym wall to the chain linked fence in the distance. Tadashi liked to lie down in the plush bed of greenery and close his eyes while he steadied his breathing. Kei liked to lean against the gymnasium building and silently observe his teammates. Yachi liked to play with the grass between her fingers and nervously pull it from the Earth. She liked to speak calmly to the boys. She liked to rant. And sometimes, she liked to yell.

Yachi never yelled at anyone in particular. She yelled at the wind. She reprimanded her anxiety, she screamed about low test scores, she cursed her distant mother. Sometimes Yachi yelled, and the boys would always listen.

Today, however, Yachi wasn’t so eager to yell. She played with a clover she’d plucked from the ground, her legs crossed beneath her. Twisting and twirling it between her fingers, Yachi’s face twisted and twirled in much the same way.

Kei sat across from her and waited. He knew she had something to say. He didn’t want to rush her. She’d speak soon, he could see the flash in her eyes he’d seen a million times before. The sign that told him that there was something deep inside, aching to come out.

The silence dragged on as Yachi’s eyebrows pulled together, focusing closely on pulling each petal off of the clover between her fingers.

Kei waited.

Their lunch break dragged on. The silence dragged on. Until finally, Yachi spoke.

“I’m mad.”

“That’s okay.” Kei provided.

“You left.” 

“Yeah.”

“Yamaguchi told me everything already so you don’t need to explain the situation with the two of you, if that's what you’re here to do.” Yachi began.

“It's not.”

“So what do you want to talk about then?” Yachi asked, the clover stem twirling in her hand, rid of its petals.

“I can tell you want to yell at me, Yachi.” Kei eyed Yachi. Her hands froze, the clover in her fingers falling to the ground. “Yell at me if you want to.”

“I don’t think I want to yell at you anymore.” Yachi spoke, eyebrows drawn together in thought. “I think I just want to yell.”

“Then yell.” Kei pushed.

Yachi shook her head, “You first.”

Kei closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. This was the last thing Kei ever thought he’d be doing. He knew that Yachi and Hinata did this sometimes; yelling their problems back and forth into the air for everyone and no one to hear. 

They claimed that it made them feel better. 

But they were also idiots.

Kei, however, was realizing slowly, that he was maybe the biggest idiot of them all.

“I haven’t talked to Tadashi in over 40 days and I’ve never been more depressed in my life!”

The school yard was empty, most club activities wouldn’t be starting again until the following day. Kei was thankful that no one was around to hear his cry.

Yachi eyed Kei and nodded, before squeezing her eyes shut and heaving in a breath.

“I don’t want you to let go of each other so easily!”

Surprised, Kei’s gaze shot up towards Yachi whose eyes remained shut as she continued: 

“You can’t just leave each other like this! You guys are best friends and you love each other! I don’t understand why you did what you did, and I don’t know why he’s been ignoring you for so long! I wish you didn’t leave this summer! I wish he didn’t switch his homeroom!” Yachi clutched her hair and pulled her head downwards as she spoke the next words, barely above a whisper, “If you love someone, you don’t leave them all alone. So why are you both leaving each other all alone?”  

Kei watched as the light in Yachi’s eyes-- the light that told him she was ready to yell -- drained completely. She made herself small, pulling her knees to her chest and tucking her chin behind them. She didn’t look at Kei, her face a hardened and unrecognizable version of herself.

“Yachi…” Kei’s voice was warm, “What is this really about for you?”

“I’ve been trying to get him to talk to you again, but he’s not ready.” Yachi’s voice was muffled behind her knees, she avoided Kei’s question, “Please don’t give up. Please, Tsukishima.”

“Don’t you hate me?” Kei’s voice was hoarse. He couldn’t understand the words she was speaking.

“No. I am mad at you. I’m mad at him too. But more so you.” Yachi muttered.

Kei huffed a breath and allowed himself to yell again, “I don’t think he’ll ever want to see me again!”

Yachi raised her head to the sky and matched his volume, “She told me she loved me! She still tells me she loves me, sometimes! But she’s gone! I’m not hers anymore, she’s gone, and I’ll never be with her again! She told me that we were in love! I love her!” Yachi’s voice broke as she continued, “I love her and she’s supposed to love me too! But she keeps leaving me all alone!”

Kei’s breath caught in his throat as he watched Yachi crumble in front of him.

“I’m sorry.” She choked between sobs, “We are supposed to be talking about you. You should be the one crying right now. You should be grovelling at my feet and I should be yelling at you. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing for not yelling at me, you idiot.” Kei chided, placing a hand on the top of Yachi’s head which was once again hidden beneath her knees.

Yachi stifled a laugh in return, unable to speak.

“I’m not very good at this.” Kei spoke carefully, “I know Hinata and Tadashi are a lot better at this kind of thing than me. I at least hoped that I’m better than Kageyama at the whole feelings thing, but I’m in a pretty shitty situation in the emotions department right now, so the king might have me beat.” Yachi laughed again as Kei continued, “Yachi, do you know how fucking wonderful you are? I’m honestly asking you that.”

Yachi looked to Kei, brown eyes sparkling with tears. She shrugged her shoulders pathetically.

“Yeah, I figured as much.” Kei sighed, “my point is; if even someone as dumb and inattentive as me can see how good you are, then anyone would be genuinely stupid to let you go.”

“Kiyoko’s not stupid.” Yachi mumbled. Kei’s suspicions had been confirmed.

Kei was an observant person. He liked to keep record of his surroundings, make mental notes of people and places. He’d noticed the way that Yachi and Kiyoko acted in his first year. Yachi looked to her with a wide-eyed gaze like the older girl had hung the stars in the sky. Kiyoko was protective over the younger manager, it felt as though the pair intentionally kept everyone else at an arm's length when they were together. Kei didn’t get to know Yachi until Kiyoko had left. He never much cared for the older manager.

“You were together.” Kei spoke. It was a statement of fact, more so than a question.

Yachi nodded, “Until halfway through second year. She told me she loved me but that we were holding each other back.” Yachi sniffled, “I didn’t think so. But she did.” Kei nodded as Yachi continued, “We would still talk, we were friends. She would still tell me she loves me. And then-”

Yachi ripped a mass of weeds from the field below them. Sorting the plants in the palms of her hands she continued.

“At the formal. I saw her dancing with Tanaka. They kissed. Yamaguchi saw how upset I was, he was trying to make me feel better all night. It worked for a little while, I suppose.” Yachi discarded the weeds onto the grass. “Apparently they’ve been together for a while. Asahi told me they started dating in the winter. That means that when she came to watch the Spring Tournament in Tokyo, they were together. She was there to watch him. I thought she travelled all that way to see me. I mean, I knew she wanted to watch you all play, but I don’t know… I was stupid, I guess.”

Kei clenched his fists, his fingernails dug into the heels of his palms.

“I love her Tsukishima, and she says she still loves me too but we aren’t together.” Yachi’s pleading eyes met Kei’s, “You and Yamaguchi love each other. You can be together. Please, be together.”

“I don’t think he wants that.” Kei’s voice was weak.

“I think he does.” Yachi returned, “He’s having the team over to his place on Friday for a party. The first years aren’t super close yet and it's been messing with team dynamics so Coach suggested we do some team bonding.” Yachi’s eyes hardened as she spoke, “You’re coming.”

“I don’t know if that's a good idea.” Kei returned her stare.

“When else are you going to talk to him, then?” Yachi challenged.

Kei pondered the question. He couldn’t talk to Tadashi before or after class because he would be at volleyball, and Kei wasn’t ready to return to practise yet. Kei didn’t know what homeroom class Tadashi was in anymore. And, he hadn’t answered Kei’s texts from the beginning of the summer. 

This party, Kei supposed, would be his best option.

“Okay.” Kei sighed, “You’re right. I’ll go.”

“Good.” Yachi smiled, moving to get up from the grass and dust herself off.

“Hey Yachi,” Kei spoke, looking up from his still seated position, “I really do think you are wonderful. And I don’t care what you say, if she’s picking Tanaka over you then she is stupid.”

“Maybe so,” Yachi spoke softly, looking towards the main school building as Kei stood up, “But somehow that makes it hurt even more.”

Kei placed a hand on Yachi’s head and pulled her toward his chest.

“Go to the bathroom before we go back to class, you can tell that you’ve been crying. I don’t want people to think I broke your heart or something.” Kei spoke as Yachi snorted a laugh into his sweater, “You’re a wreck.”

“I guess that makes two of us, huh?” Yachi retorted as she pulled away.

“Guess so.”

Chapter Text

i dreamt of you all summer long.

Missing Tadashi transitioned from a dull and constant ache, into an overwhelming sense of loneliness within a matter of hours. It was a bone crushing, gut wrenching, and earth shattering kind of loneliness.

Kei didn’t get lonely. He didn’t do loneliness. Even when he was a child, he could spend weeks away from home. He never thought of his father, he barely remembered that the man existed. Everytime he left his mother’s side he was confident in the fact that he’d see her again soon and speak with her on the phone during the time he was away. When his brother moved to Sendai for school, Kei didn’t shed a tear. When he later moved to Tokyo, Kei didn’t go to the train station to wish him farewell.

There was no point in wasting energy on missing people. The important ones would always come back. And phones existed. It’s not like he was ever truly away from anyone he really needed to get in contact with.

Kei didn’t do loneliness. He just didn’t.

However, Kei had never been forced to see if this theory translated over to Tadashi, the one and only person he’d never had to consider going away or becoming unreachable. He was always there. For as long as anyone around them could remember, it was always Kei and Tadashi.

But now, it was Kei.

And Tadashi.

Kei who’d cried in the street as he watched Okamura skate away, the weight of his words crashing into him like a ton of bricks. Kei who had stopped at Tadashi’s house on his way home. Kei who was desperately clinging to his phone, ignoring the slick way it slid against his cheek, wet with tears. 

And Tadashi who hadn’t been home. Tadashi who, according to his mother was out with friends, and she thought Kei had been with him. Tadashi who hadn’t replied to a text all day. Tadashi whose line just went straight to voicemail.

Kei threw his phone across the room, it landed on his bed without a sound. Kei wished it shattered his window and fell to the pavement below. Kei wished something would happen, anything . He was tired of doing nothing, but everything he’d tried was failing.

Raking his hands through his hair, Kei fell back against his door and slid down, landing on the floor with a thud. He pressed his palms into his eyes and revelled in the lightshow which exploded behind his eyelids.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

“Fuck!” Kei cursed, slamming a fist against the floor.

Much like everything else these past few days, this feeling was also unfamiliar territory to Kei. How had all of this happened? Three days ago he was quietly flirting over the phone with Tadashi, and now his best friend wasn’t even answering his texts. A week ago they’d spent their lunch periods planning out their summer activities, and now Tadashi was out in the middle of the day with people who weren’t Kei.

Fuck.

Kei mind was a coil. It spun around itself tighter, faster, and more frantically. 

Kei gripped and pulled at his hair in an attempt to regain the feeling in his head. His fingers felt like they’d been lit on fire and his lips were like ice. He couldn’t feel anything and yet everything was way too much.

The coil snapped.

A sob tore from Kei's heart as the weight of the world crashed around him. 

What was this? Kei felt like he was dying, pressure continued to mount and build like a delicate tower of cards that was climbing at an unmanageable rate. And worst of all, Kei was alone.

This tower of cards was bigger, and far more dangerous than anything he and Tadashi had faced before. There was no delicate dance between the two of them as they each tried to prevent the build-up from crashing. There were no freckles to ground Kei to reality. There was no embrace to fall into when the tears began to fall after a fight. There was nothing. There was no one.

Crawling across the room, Kei desperately reached for his phone, straining his body as he pawed around on his bed from his place crumpled on the floor. He didn’t feel strong enough to stand. He didn’t feel strong enough to do anything. Kei grabbed hold of his phone and pulled it down the floor with him as a fleeting sense of relief crept into his body, only to be buried beneath more anxiety.

Kei frantically scrolled through his contacts, searching desperately. He wasn’t sure what he was even looking for.

Kei needed someone. He needed someone. He needed-

The name on his screen filled Kei with comfort for a fleeting moment as he hit dial. As he listened to the dial tone he was instantly filled with regret. He could still hang up now and pretend it was an accident. It was a comforting thought, but Kei couldn’t lift his fingers back to his phone. All he could do was lay on the floor and clutch his phone to his face and hope.

“Hey kiddo.” Akiteru chimed from the other end as the phone connected.

“Hi, I-” Kei managed to choke out before another sob ripped through him. The sound of his brother’s voice had slammed into Kei’s chest and pierced his heart in a bittersweet swirl of emotions which Kei couldn’t identify.

“Kei? Are you there?” Akiteru asked, Kei continued to cry, unable to respond, “Kei, what’s wrong, is everything okay?”

Kei opened his mouth to try again but he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t do anything.

“Shhh, hey, it's okay.” Akiteru soothed, “Kei, I’m here, okay. I just need you to answer yes or no to a few things so I can understand what's going on. Can you do that?”

Kei whimpered with a sound of affirmation.

“Okay, are you physically hurt?”

“N-no.” Kei replied, feeling small. This was ridiculous. With the way he was carrying on, Akiteru probably thought he was dying in a ditch somewhere. Shame and guilt tore another round of tears from him.

“Is mom okay?”

“Yes.”

“Are you at home?”

“Yes.”

“Are you in danger?”

“No.”

“Are you a risk to yourself?”

“N-no.”

“Okay.” Akiteru exhaled, “Okay. Do you want to cry for a bit longer?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Akiteru spoke, sounding as though he was assuring himself more than Kei, “Hey, remember that time Mom woke us up at 4am when we were kids and packed us into the car to drive an hour to the coast to watch the sunrise?”

Kie sniffled, confused, “Um, no.”

“Makes sense. I think I was around 10 so you would have been little. Plus you slept pretty much the entire time anyways.” Akiteru laughed, and Kei began to feel like a person again. “Anyways, mom came into my room and said to me, and I’ll never forget this; ‘baby, go get your brother, we’ve gotta go’. And obviously, I was like… stressed the hell out by that, and I asked where we were going, and she said ‘to live life kiddo!’”

“Why would she word it like that when she woke you up?” Kei laughed a dry chuckle as more tears streamed down his face. They were hot, and Kei could feel them on his cheeks. His face didn’t feel tingly anymore. This was good.

Akiteru laughed, “Right!? So then I got up and went to your room and picked you up out of bed and carried you downstairs. I put you down on the steps while mom and I put our shoes on, and that's when you woke up. And you just sat up and looked around at where you were, and you looked at me all bleary eyed and confused, and then you stood up, turned around, and walked up the stairs.” Akiteru told his story, and Kei hung on every word as he pulled and pushed air in and out of his lungs, wiggling his fingers and toes as they came back to him, “So mom and I went to go get you, thinking you had gone back to bed, and then you came back down the stairs with your stuffed dinosaur in one hand and mine in another. And you just handed it to me and walked out the door to the car. No questions asked, not a care in the world.”

Kei smiled as Akiteru continued.

“I don’t even know how you knew to find my stuffy because I definitely thought I was too old for it at that point. But even without any idea about where we were going or what was happening, you knew that you wanted your stuffy and you thought I should have mine too.” Akiteru’s voice was warm and soft and it felt like coming home, “After that morning I started cuddling with him at night again, because you reminded me of how much of a comfort familiar things can be, ya know? I have him here in Tokyo, too.”

Kei sniffled and mustered the strength to reach across his bed again and grab his own stuffed triceratops off his pillow, clutching it to his chest.

“I remember,” Kei cleared his dry throat as he found his voice again, “I remember playing with them in the sand. I didn’t know when that was, or why we would’ve had them at the beach.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that too. We stopped for breakfast at that western style diner mom loves so much. That was the first time we ever went there, I think.” Akiteru explained. There was a beat of silence as the two brothers allowed for the memories to settle around them. “So what’s up kiddo? Say the word and I’m on a train home, okay? I mean it.”

“Actually,” Kei began, pondering the thought as he was verbalizing it, “Can I come stay with you for a bit?”

“I can get you an 11am train from Sendai tomorrow morning.” Akiteru was quick to reply. Kei rolled his eyes. His brother spoke again, apparently picking up on Kei’s expression through the phone, “I was on the express train website as soon as the phone connected. It was just a question of who was going where.”

“Thank you.” Kei spoke quietly into the head of his stuffed dinosaur. He was certain it muffled his words.

“Do you want to talk about what's going on tonight, or would you rather we leave it for tomorrow?” Akiteru asked.

Kei yawned, a wave of exhaustion crashing into him. “Maybe tomorrow?”

“You got it.” Akiteru spoke, “You gonna be okay tonight? You wanna stay on the phone for a bit?”

Kei climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to his neck. Nustling into the pillows and pulling his stuffy to his chest, Kei smiled.

“What else from our childhood do you have locked away in your brain? I barely remember anything from before middle school.” Kei prompted, feeling too embarrassed to plead for his brother to continue telling him stories.

Kei could feel Akiteru smile through the phone as he launched into another story.

Kei would pack in the morning, he decided.

And he wouldn’t be alone anymore.

___

Kei was certain his heart was going to give out. Looking in the bathroom mirror with his hands braced on the sink, Kei forced his lungs to accept oxygen. His heart was going to give out. He was certain of it.

The week had dragged along, each day desperately clinging to the last in a shuffle of mundane events which left Kei feeling antsy. Usually, he liked routine. Since starting at Karasuno it was a miracle if Kei made it through a week without almost killing Hinata, or punching Kageyama… or both. A few months ago, Kei would have revelled in the steady and constancy of his routine during the first week back from summer vacation. But now, Kei was itching for something to happen.

Luckily for him, Yachi had been serious about her invitation to Tadashi’s team gathering; an event that was bound to bring some kind of excitement back to Kei’s life. He just hoped it was the right kind of excitement.

If the week had dragged along in the lead up to Friday, the hours of Friday afternoon, leading up to the party itself, lasted lifetimes. 

Kei had taken a bath; he’d done his hair; he’d picked out his outfit, changed his mind, and picked out a new one; cleaned his glasses about eight times; attempted to do his weekend homework before giving in to the anxious thoughts taking up space in his mind. And now, Kei was having a staring contest with himself in the mirror.

Kei tore his eyes away from his reflection to glance at his wristwatch. It was 7:56pm. Yachi told Kei that everyone was invited for 8:00pm, but had told him not to arrive until 9:00pm.

“It's a casual get together, not really any structure or anything, so people will probably trickle in late.” She’d told him, “Wait a bit to arrive, it’d be awkward if you showed up while people were still arriving. It’ll give Yamaguchi enough time to settle in, himself, as well.”

Kei was unsure about this entire plan, but Yachi had pushed for him to go through with it.

Kei had another hour before he’d have to be there. Knocking on Tadashi’s door. Seeing his face for the first time all summer. Kei wondered how he’d react. Would he smile? Would he cry? Would he yell? Would he slam the door in his face, telling him to fuck off?

Oh god.

Kei was certain his heart was going to give out. He was certain of it.  

Without a moment of hesitation, Kei grabbed his phone from his pocket, dialing a familiar contact and holding the device to his ear.

___

A summer without Tadashi left a sour taste in Kei’s mouth. In the grand scheme of things, however, Kei supposed it wasn’t entirely unbearable.

Kei regretted ever thinking such a ridiculous thing as he felt the weight of Kuroo hang off of him as the older boy wrapped his arms around Kei’s shoulders.

“It’s so good to have the gang back together again, huh?” Kuroo slurred, his feet dragged along the paved sidewalk on their walk back to his and Kenma’s apartment.

“I don’t think the three of us ever constituted a gang.” Kenma replied dryly, the shots he’d done at the bar were doing little to interfere with his stoic and apathetic resolve. Kei wondered how Kenma, someone so small and unassuming, was able to outdrink Kuroo; a tall, muscular, older, and more experienced young man.

“Yeah, the three of us have literally never hung out before this.” Kei contributed, shoving Kuroo off of his shoulders and adjusting his balance accordingly. The effects of the alcohol were messing with his coordination but his pride was far too important to let that show, especially given the fact that Kei was the youngest of the group. The last thing he needed was for Kuroo to hold some embarrassing anecdote from an intoxicated night over his head for the rest of their lives. In Kei’s mind, as long as anything that happened tonight remained out of popular conversation between Kuroo and Bokuto, the night had been a success.

“But we’d make a good gang, right?” Kuroo pressed, casually slipping his hand into Kenma’s as the trio continued walking down the street.

“Yeah, Kuro, I think if you asked any person dealing with the loss of their childhood best friend and first boyfriend while they are in the middle of a crisis about their sexuality they’d say their number one choice of people who’d make up their ‘gang’ is two childhood best friends who are each other’s one and only boyfriends.” Kenma replied in a tone so even that Kei swore he might be a robot.

“Okay, ouch.” Kei replied. He knew Kenma was a blunt person, it was a trait Kei appreciated about the young man, but he was still surprised every time his observations were this spot on.

“Am I wrong?” Kenma challenged, casting a glance in Kei’s direction.

“You’re annoying. ” Kei retorted, the alcohol making him feel childish.

“It’s alright skinny, you’ve got us, you don’t need anyone else.” Kuroo spoke with a nod, “You should just move here!”

Kei replied a distinct “No.” while Kenma simultaneously said, “That’s a terrible idea.”

“Oh come oooonnnnn.” Kuroo begged, “Move to Tokyo! You’d love it here, you’ve got us and your brother, and Bokuto and Akaashi are around too, come on skinny, move here.”

“No.” 

“Please?”

“No.”

“Give me one good reason- no, wait, give me 5 good reasons you shouldn’t move here right now.” Kuroo jutted out his bottom lip in a petulant pout.

“Okay, reason number one: I don’t want to. And that’s it, no more reasons needed.” Kei replied casting a sidelong gaze towards Kuroo who stuck his tongue out in return.

“Just- ugh, just play the game skinny, humour me for once, okay?” Kuroo stomped, hands flailing out to either side in an expressive gesture which tugged Kenma’s linked hand along with his movements. The shorter boy rolled his eyes.

“Fine.” Kei spoke through gritted teeth, “My mom is in Miyagi.”

“Aww he’s a mama’s boy.” Kuroo teased.

“So are you, Kuro.” Kenma added much to Kuroo’s dismay.

“Number two: I’m not going to switch school’s part way through third year, that’d be stupid.” Kuroo nodded and Kei continued, “Three: I can’t live in my brother’s apartment, it’s too small and we’d kill each other.”

Kei paused, his mind in thought.

“Hmmm, seems like you’re struggling to come up with five.” Kuroo added through a cheeky smile and waggling eyebrows.

“Shut up and let me think, idiot.” Kei returned.

“It’s expensive here.” Kenma provided.

“Mmm” Kei agreed, “Okay, so, four: I don’t have enough money saved up to move to the city. Thank you Kenma.”

“Kenma, who’s side are you on!” Kuroo chided.

“Tsukishima’s.” Kenma added plainly.

“Whatever. Okay, and the fifth reason, skinny?” Kuroo prompted, turning his attention back to Kei, who was struggling to keep his mind off of one glaring thought.

The truth is, there was only one reason as to why Kei couldn’t pack up and move out of Miyagi for good. And that reason was the same one which drove him to come to Tokyo in the first place.

“Leave him alone, Kuro.” Kenma nudged into his partner, picking up on Kei’s change in demeanor.

“Y’know it’s okay to say it, right?” Kuroo’s voice took on a sympathetic tone, “I know why you can’t leave. It’s the same reason I didn’t even apply to schools outside Tokyo after highschool. It’s not a terrible thing to admit to; being connected to someone else.”

Kei was quiet as he processed Kuroo’s words. Being connected to someone else. It was true, Kei was connected to Tadashi. He couldn’t imagine a life where the other boy wasn’t there. Kei thought they’d always be best friends, he thought maybe they’d one day be more than that. Whenever Kei felt ready. But now, even just the idea of going to sleep at night knowing Tadashi was just a few blocks down the road, in the same town, under the same sky. That was enough reason for Kei to stay in Miyagi until the day he died.

“I can’t move here.” Kei spoke simply, clearing his throat.

“I know, I know. Sorry.” Kuroo looked to Kei, his eyes a sea of understanding and warmth. “I just worry about you. I love you so much, man.”

“Oh my god.” Kei groaned, “You really can’t hold your alcohol.”

“Hey!” Kuroo countered, “I’m not saying it because I’m drunk, I’m saying it because it’s true!”

“He’s saying it because he’s drunk.” Kenma spoke to Kei around Kuroo’s wobbling figure as the trio continued down the sidewalk.

“You guys keep ganging up on me, what the hell!” Kuroo pouted, punctuating his sentence with a hiccup.

Kei laughed as a genuine feeling of warmth spread through his body. It was warmth not produced by alcohol, but rather by something that felt like happiness, and acceptance. He was happy. He was warm.

“You guys are a good gang to have.” The words escaped Kei without a filter. Maybe he wasn’t as in control as he thought.

“Yes! I told you! This right here is the elite group, this is the friendship we’ve been robbing the world of!” Kuroo’s face lit up as he spoke. Halting in place, he dropped Kenma’s hand and grabbed Kuroo by the shoulders, “You ever need anything, you call us, you got that, glasses?”

“Yeah I got it.” Kei rolled his eyes, shrugged out of Kuroo’s grasp.

“Now that we know your brother’s ID works, we’ll have you out drinking with us every night!” Kuroo laughed, his hand easily falling back into Kenma’s.

“You don’t have the stamina for that.” Kenma replied with a warm smile.

“You have little faith in me, Kenma.”

Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, Kei supposed the summer wasn’t entirely unbearable.

___

“Skinny!” Kuroo cheered through the phone, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I can’t go through with it, this party is a terrible idea.” Kei immediately spoke, hoping Kuroo would catch up quickly. Kei had spoken to Kuroo about the party at the beginning of the week when Yachi had first mentioned it. “It’s a bad idea, it’ll just make him more angry with me.”

“Okay first of all, you need to take a deep breath, man.” Kuroo’s voice sounded calm through the crackle of the phone, Kei pressed his head into the wall and took a few shaky breaths, attempting to regain his composure. “Okay, next; you are going to this party, Tsukishima.”

“Fuck.” Kei breathed.

“Is it ballsy? Yes. I’m surprised this was Yachi’s idea, that timid little manager girl? Wild. We’ll have to unpack that later.” Kuroo chuckled, filling Kei’s mind with a sense of relaxation, “Regardless, I think you are at a point where you’ve gotta go big, ya know?”

“Why can’t I just like, I don’t know, bring him flowers tomorrow or something?” Kei’s voice was small as he attempted to bargain his way out of the anxiety he was feeling.

“Okay, I love the flower idea, that’s good. But, you have to do it tonight.” Kuroo replied.

“Why.” Kei had to fight off a whiny tone in his voice.

“Because, the whole big issue is that he wanted to be public and date and do all the boyfriend things for the world to see, and you weren’t ready to do that yet, right?” Kuroo prompted.

“Among other things, yeah.”

“So, hello? This is you showing him that you are ready. Words are wonderful, but boyfriends like action.” Kuroo continued, “But I like where your head’s at with the whole flowers thing. You should get some before you go over.”

“Everything’s closed.” Kei replied pathetically.

“Ugh god, I forgot you're a bumpkin and everything closes at like 3pm out there.” Kuroo teased, and Kei huffed an objection, “You’ve got a garden don’t you? Go cut some flowers from there. I’m sure your mom won’t mind, if it's for the sake of love.”

“Am I really doing this? What if I just make an ass of myself?” Kei sighed, closing his eyes and focusing on the way his breath left his lips in puffs.

“The beautiful thing is, you already kinda have, so you’ve really got nothing to lose, right?” Kuroo’s voice came through the phone, “Besides, let’s say tonight sucks, and you get rejected. Then what you do is you come home, you and your mom crack some beers, you have a cry, and you call me. I’ve made an ass of myself enough times to know how that goes. Trust me Tsukishima, regardless of what happens tonight, you’re going to be okay.”

“Are you sure?” Kei’s voice was broken and seeping with vulnerability.

“I am certain of it.”

“Okay.”

Chapter Text

in the garden.

The sweet scent of strawberries was the only thing to pull Kei out of sleep on that September morning. It wasn’t the pain in his neck from spending far too many nights on the stiff futon his brother had lent him for his new university apartment. It wasn’t the sound of Yachi’s hairdryer abrasively blaring through the small Sendai apartment. And it certainly wasn’t the prospect of returning to school for his second semester of university that afternoon. 

As Kei drifted slowly into consciousness, he allowed for the aroma of strawberries to fill his senses, he listened to Yachi sing softly to herself through the thin apartment walls, and he smiled as he reached out in front of him to pull warmth toward his chest. Instead, Kei found cold bedsheets and a dinosaur plushie.

Puzzled, Kei opened his eyes to see the emptiness of the bed, the precarious way the covers had been disturbed from movement, and a dinosaur plushie tucked neatly against the pillow in an attempt to fill the gaping space left empty from the absence of a body next to him.

It was confusion in addition to the scent of strawberries that caused Kei to finally remove his blankets, stuff his feet into a pair of slippers, and toe his way into the kitchen.

Each one of these actions was done with an eager excitement at what awaited him.

“Good morning, my love!” Kei heard the words echo pleasantly through his mind a few times over before responding.

“Good morning, Tadashi.”

____

The sun had just sunk beyond the horizon by the time Kei arrived at the end of Tadashi’s driveway. It was a place he’d been many times before,  he’d stood in the same exact spot awaiting his best friend. As Kei’s hands trembled weakly in front of him, knuckles white from his grip on the stems of the flowers he’d pulled from his back garden, he supposed in many ways he was the same child standing at the end of Tadashi’s driveway, awaiting his best friend.

Except this time, he wasn’t certain that freckled face and warm smile would appear. He wasn’t certain he’d ever be on the receiving end of that smile ever again.

Kei crossed the threshold from sidewalk to reality as he trudged towards the front door. In the distance Kei could hear a dull comotion of 20 or so high school boys bubbling up from behind Tadashi’s house. The night held a pleasant kind of warmth for the time of year as the September evenings had begun getting progressively cooler. Kei wasn’t surprised that the team was spending such a fine night outside.

Kei heaved 3 steady breaths in and out of his chest, fixed his hair, and re-cuffed his jeans before raising a trembling hand to the door and tapping on the door. He was unsure of his movements every step of the way.

Stepping away from the door so as not to crowd Tadashi when he answered, Kei closed his eyes and attempted to regroup in spite of himself.

Everything will be okay. You love him. You love him and hopefully he might still love you too. He might forgive you, and kiss you, and love you. Or… Or he might slam the door in your face, and hate you, and never want to-

At the sound of a doorknob creaking Kei’s internal battle halted in place. At the sound of a door opening, Kei’s eyes snapped open. And at the sight of Tadashi’s grandmother standing in the door frame, Kei’s thoughts melted away completely.

“Kei, I’m so glad to see you,” the elder Yamaguchi spoke softly, the lines of her face deepening as her expression settled into a smile, “I had a feeling you might show up tonight.”

“Good evening, Gramma,” Kei replied, bowing his head, before continuing, “I’m sorry to be arriving unannounced.”

“Oh Kei, when was the last time you showed up announced?” She chuckled, shaking her head as Tadashi’s mother appeared next to her in the doorframe.

“Kei,” She smiled softly, “we didn’t think you’d be coming tonight.”

“Speak for yourself, I told he’d arrive, I said ‘that boy will be here before the end of the night,’ and look what time it is, just barely 9 o’clock, and here he is. Just as I said.”

“Yes mom, I know,” Tadashi’s mother sighed, “You were right.”

“Um, I-I’m sorry to show up like this, I know you have a lot of people here and you didn’t account for my late arrival,” As Kei spoke his uncertainty about Yachi’s plan flooded back to him and made itself known in each word tumbling out of his mouth, “I should go… Yeah, I’ll go.”

The two Yamaguchi women looked at one another in amusement as Kei continued.

“Here, please take these, they’re from my mother’s garden,” Kei continued, presenting the flowers to Tadashi’s grandmother who graciously took them in her arms, “Um, okay, I’m going to go now. I’m so-”

“For someone who hasn’t been hanging out with my son for the past few months, you sure sound a lot like him right now.” Tadashi’s mother spoke with a soft laugh, cutting off Kei’s rambling.

Kei’s back straightened in realization. He couldn’t leave now, he couldn’t run away. He’d done enough of that already.

Kei lowered himself in a bow, bending at the waist and squeezing his eyes shut as he spoke.

“I have made a lot of bad choices, and I have upset your son very deeply. I am sorry for the pain I have caused and for how long it has taken me to try and fix everything. But I promise, even if he never forgives me, I am going to be someone that Tadashi can be proud to have once called a friend.”

A long beat of silence settled over the group. Kei’s head remained lowered in a bow until he was spoken to.

“He’s in the back garden,” Tadashi’s mom spoke, holding Kei’s gaze as he raised his head, “go.”

“Okay,” Kei breathed a sigh of relief, “Okay, yes I will go do that. Thank you.”

As Kei began to bound down the stairs of the porch, his eyes trained on the gate to the back garden, he halted in his movements and spun on his heel.

“Gramma,” Kei called, “May I please have just one of those?”

Tadashi’s grandmother laughed a deep chuckle as she held the bouquet of flowers out to Kei, “Please, take them, I know they were never meant for me in the first place.”

Kei approached the bouquet being extended to him and pulled just one single red tulip from the bunch.

“Please accept the rest as an apology.” Kei spoke with a soft nod as he turned around and descended the porch steps once again.

____

“They’re called Akai chūrippu,” Kei’s mother spoke, gesturing to the blossoming flower she was carefully planting in her back garden, “Now you try.”

“Akai-chū-ri-ppu.” Young Kei tested the words out on his lips, his small fingers and toes covered in fresh soil.

“Good,” his mother smiled, continuing, “they’re a symbol for love, you know.”

“Like roses.” Kei provided.

“Good try baby, but roses mean romance. These mean eternal love.” Kei watched his mother with wide eyes as she continued, “There is an old story about a young peasant boy. One day the boy was walking alone next to a castle gate when he caught sight of someone so beautiful, it took his breath away.”

“A prince?” Kei mused.

Kei’s mother paused in her movements for a moment and smiled.

“Sure baby, a prince,” she spoke softly, “When the boy saw this beautifully magnificent prince through the crack in the castle gate he was speechless. When the prince saw the young boy and smiled back at him, the boy was certain that he was in love.”

“Just like that?” Kei questioned.

“Just like that.” Kei’s mother continued, “Overwhelmed by his feelings, the young boy dashed away quickly. The boy swore that the next day, he would go back to the castle and tell the prince just how much he loved him. How his love was as wide as a meadow and as deep as the sea. How his love for the prince was written in the stars and destined to be by all the gods in the universe. 

“That very next day the boy went back to the castle gates and asked to see the young prince. He was granted passage to the castle and in front of the royal court the young peasant boy kneeled before his prince and spoke: ‘I love you my prince.’ he called out, ‘My love for you is as wide as a meadow and as deep as the sea. My love for you is written in the stars and destined to be by all the gods in the universe!’

“Charmed by the boy, the prince smiled and spoke: ‘You love me, and yet you ran away. How do I know your love is true?’ The boy responded: ‘I shall stay by your side. I shall love you unconditionally. I shall be with you forever, so long as you wish to have me.’ 

“Enchanted by these words, the prince accepted the peasant boy’s love and asked for him to stay by his side, to love him, and to be with him forever. In time, the young prince returned this love, and the two boys shared an unbreakable bond.

“Upset that his only son had fallen in love with a peasant boy, the King sent his men to the boy’s house to tell him that his beloved prince had died. The King was hopeful that, stricken with grief, the boy would move away. The King hoped that with the peasant boy gone, the Prince could move on and marry someone more beneficial to the kingdom. But, upon hearing the news of his beloved prince’s death, the young peasant boy was so devastated that his broken heart stopped beating altogether.

“When the prince arrived at the boy’s home later that same morning he found his love lying motionless in the garden. When the young prince realized that the heart he loved so dearly had stopped beating, he knelt in the garden and wept over the boy’s body. The prince wept for hours, then days, and then after one week, the prince wept his very last tear and fell to eternal sleep next to his beloved.

“As the peasant boy and his beloved prince laid to rest together for eternity, hundreds of red flowers bloomed around their bodies. Hundreds of red flowers created by the shattered heart of one, and watered by the devastated tears of another. And that is how the first Akai chūrippu, or red tulips, came to be; from the eternal love of two souls for one another.”

“They both died?” Kei gaped, eyes wide.

“Pretty bleak, huh?” His mom replied with a nod.

“I don’t like that story. I think its stupid.” Kei chided.

“Oh? And why’s that kiddo?”

“The peasant boy had a weak heart. My heart could never break so bad that I’d die ! And the Prince should’ve known that if he cried that hard for a whole week he’d get sick and die too! They were both stupid, I’d never do that.”

Kei’s mom laughed as she discarded her gardening gloves.

“Who knows baby,” She spoke, rustling a hand through Kei’s hair, “maybe one day you’ll feel differently.”

___

Today, Kei supposed, was that day. Because today, Kei felt as though he could die of a broken heart. He felt as though he could lay down and cry steady streams of tears for a week straight. He felt as though he could do all of those things that young Kei would’ve called him stupid for doing.

Kei held the red tulip in his hands as he opened the gate to the back garden and walked along the side of Tadashi’s house. He both cherished and cursed these last few moments of not knowing how Tadashi might react to seeing Kei’s face again.

As Kei rounded the corner of Tadashi’s house, the full expanse of his back garden came into view. Kei always loved it here. Tadashi’s grandmother had once owned a floral shop in the city many lifetimes ago as she would say. The garden at the Yamaguchi's home was certainly the best in Karasuno. Tadashi claimed it to be the best in all of Miyagi, but Kei was certain it was the best in all of Japan.

Kei leaned against the house and watched the scene before him for a brief moment of bliss. Yachi was nodding along to a story two of the new first years were sharing with her animatedly. A group of 3 second years were gathered around a small fire pit talking amongst themselves. Hinata was bouncing between four of the more quiet first years, leaving Kageyama uncomfortably in the centre of a group of 3 more first years who each seemed to be vying for his attention. Tadashi’s laugh lilted above the jumble of noise, catching Kei’s attention immediately.

Within a group of first and second years Tadashi was breathtaking. Kei watched in awe as Tadashi’s skin, darkened by the sun and dusted with Kei’s favourite extra burst of freckles left over by the summer, caught the light of the fireside. When Tadashi smiled his nose wrinkled and his dimples deepened on his cheeks which were coloured pink by the warmth of the evening. Kei loved the way he could trace Tadashi’s entire being like a constellation, each point leading to another and another and another, to make up one whole magnificent person against the darkness of the night.

Kei knew that when Tadashi’s smile was as big as it was in this moment, you could see his slight snaggle tooth which hadn’t quite been straightened out even after three years of braces. Kei knew that Tadashi had a freckle on his lip right above that tooth. If you kept following the line those two stars made, you’d reach the scar on Tadashi’s nose from the time he fell off of Kei’s skate board. Right across from that scar were three freckles in a perfect line across Tadashi’s right cheek which pointed towards the earring high up on the cartilage of his right ear. He usually kept the piercing covered by his hair for school, but tonight it was on display as Tadashi’s long hair was pulled back in a half up-do. Kei also knew that with Tadashi’s hair like this, if he was close enough, he could see the freckle behind the shell of Tadashi’s ear that Kei loved to kiss because it made Tadashi shiver every time. Kei followed the pattern of Tadashi’s sparkling hair clips up to the crown of his head, where a few stray waves fell in front of his face, creating a line for Kei to follow down to Tadashi’s eyes. 

Tadashi’s eyes which had found Kei across the crowded garden. Tadashi’s eyes which had been watching Kei’s, as he drank in every one of Tadashi’s features. Tadashi’s eyes which hardened as Kei caught them, but for a brief moment were as soft as Kei had ever seen them.

Over the course of that summer, Kei had experienced countless moments that had felt like eternity. Countless moments of blinding pain, of excruciating sadness, of hollowed loneliness. There had been hours which felt like days, and days which felt like lifetimes. Over the course of that summer, Kei had experienced hell, but as his eyes caught Tadashi’s, and Tadashi’s caught his, all the heartache, all the tears, and  all the sleepless nights, they all melted away.

In spite of every broken piece of Kei’s shattered heart, and every tear that he wept, Kei stood before Tadashi and smiled, extending his hand to offer a red tulip to his beloved boy.

Tadashi glanced down at the flower before flitting his eyes back up to catch Kei’s gaze once again. As Kei felt a blush crawl across his skin he wondered how he had ever dared to look away from Tadashi for even a moment.

Excusing himself from his conversation, Tadashi took a step away from the group in Kei’s direction. Kei quickly followed his lead, meeting Tadashi more than half way as he eagerly bounded his way toward the boy, uncaring of the crowd around him glancing in his direction.

In the new found closeness, Kei basked in the familiar way that Tadashi glanced up at him ever so slightly in order to match his gaze. The blush spreading across his face darkened as Tadashi took his time to drag his eyes up Kei’s features to meet his eyes once again, a light shining in his eyes for a fleeting moment at the redness of Kei’s cheeks.

“Tsukishima,” Tadashi began coldly, crossing his arms over his chest petulantly “I don’t remember inviting you.”

Kei studied Tadashi carefully. He watched the way Tadashi’s eyes held a forced emptiness to them, he noticed the way his fingers twitched nervously at his side, he saw the way his mouth wobbled slightly when he wasn’t speaking. Tadashi was acting in defense, he was guarded. Kei knew this, because he’d spent the past seventeen years doing the very same thing.

“I thought it was for team members.” Kei returned softly.

“It is.” Tadashi put simply, with a shrug of his shoulders, “I just figured that with the missed practises and all that time you spent in the city this summer, that you had transferred to Nekoma or Fukurodani. My mistake.”

Kei opened his mouth to object, but Tadashi continued.

“I really hope you enjoy the party Tsukishima,” Tadashi spoke with a sarcastic bite as his hands shook more noticeably at his sides.

“Yama-” Kei began before being cut off again.

“Refreshments are over there, you know where the bathrooms are, and unfortunately there aren’t any fancy cocktails like they’ve got in Tokyo, but I’m sure you’ll make do slumming it like the rest of us, right?”

“I couldn’t afford the cocktails in the city.” Kei provided patiently, his nervousness melting into cautious amusement.

“You’re telling me that you spent a whole month in the city and you didn’t even go to a cocktail bar? What did you drink? Cheap beer from one of Kuroo’s college dive bars!” Tadashi continued tears welling up in his eyes, “You know what, don’t even answer that, I don’t want to know, I’ll probably just be disappointed. Did you at least go to that Monjayaki place we read about?”

Kei shook his head silently. The chatter of the group around them began to fade.

“God, are you serious? You’re so hopeless,” Tadashi continued, tears now freely falling down his cheeks, “You are so hopeless, you went away to Tokyo for a whole month and you don’t even have any cool stories to show for it! You probably just sat in your poor old brother’s apartment and leeched off of him for a month, and moped around, and ate instant ramen, and- and- bought stupid clothing! This sweater is ridiculous! I hate this sweater! You left for a month and you didn’t have money for Monjayaki or cocktails, but you got this fucking sweater, are you serious Tsukishi-”

“Are you done yet?” Kei injected.

“No, I’m not actually. Thank you for interrupting me though. God you are always doing that, it's so- so… bothersome!”

“Bothersome?” Kei questioned, growing impatient.

“Yeah! It's bothersome! Just like you, and you’re dumb sweater, and-”

“Oh my god, Tadashi! Will you please shut up about my sweater for one second?” Kei’s voice echoed through the back yard.

“There you go, interrupting me again! God, why should I listen to you? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t keep-”

“Because, I love you! I came here to tell you that I love you, Tadashi!” Kei cried out, “And you won’t shut up about my stupid sweater! Guess what, Tadashi? I know it's ugly! I think it's the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, but Kenma convinced me it was cool and I had a brief lapse in judgement, okay?”

For the first time since his eyes found Kei’s that evening, Tadashi pulled his gaze away, to rapidly dart around the garden at the friends and teammates surrounding them. Kei kept his eyes trained on Tadashi. He watched his mouth, once parted and ready to continue their fight, snap shut before falling open in surprise. Kei was there to catch Tadashi’s gaze as it returned to him once again. And Kei watched as Tadashi’s eyes, once guarded and empty, suddenly broke, as if all at once he allowed for those words to mean something for the very first time. 

“You love me?” Tadashi questioned, his voice small and apprehensively hopeful. “Even after all this time? Even after I pushed you away, and switched my homeroom, and insulted your sweater?”

“Even after all of it.” Kei nodded with a smile, “I’m sorry Tadashi, I’m sorry for everything, for the fighting, and not putting in effort, and the night of the formal. I’m sorry I didn’t stay and fight for you this summer. I’m sorry I walked away from you, and your team. I’m sorry for always running away.”

Tadashi’s eyes glistened with fresh tears as a steady stream continued to roll down his cheeks.

“I’ll stay by your side.” Kei spoke softly, bringing a hand to gently cradle Tadashi’s cheek, “I’ll love you unconditionally.” Kei glanced down to the red tulip in his hand as he offered it to Tadashi, who gently accepted the flowers between his fingers. “I’ll be with you forever, Tadashi. As long as you’ll have me?”

“I love you so much Kei, I’m so sorry for everything. Back at the swingset that night, I said all those things because I was afraid of getting more hurt. I didn’t really mean that I don’t want you in my life.” Kei caught a large tear on Tadashi’s cheek with the pad of his thumb, stroking his face soothingly, “I didn’t mean it when I said we couldn’t love each other. We can, I know we can. I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard to be out if you weren’t ready, that was really unfair of me to do, I’m so sorry, Kei.”

“It’s okay, Tadashi.” Kei whispered soothingly.

“Really?” Tadashi sniffled.

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Can I please kiss you now?” Kei spoke softly.

“Yes.” Tadashi exhaled as Kei brought his other hand to Tadashi’s face and pulled him in.

The kiss was summer trips to the coast. It was homemade strawberry jam. It was freckles, and sunburns, and sandy feet. The kiss was running hand in hand through Tadashi’s garden while the Sakura trees were in full bloom. It was a star filled night in the middle of August. The kiss was the last sunset drive before the first day of school. It was the first time they’d laid themselves bare for one another. This kiss was a tower of cards building and toppling an infinite amount of times. The kiss was sunbathing in the grass behind the gym. The kiss was nailing a clean serve and block. The kiss was past, present, and future. It was everything good that had ever happened to Kei.

The kiss was red tulips grown from the shattered heart of one, and watered by the devastated tears of another.

The kiss was eternity. 

Because soon, somewhere in an apartment in Sendai, on a small wooden table tucked perfectly under the windowsill, in the corner of a kitchen that smelled of strawberries; a bouquet of red tulips rustled gently together in the wind.