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“Hey Reg, it’s me.”
Alex waited a few seconds for an answer or at least some sign that Reggie was aware of him entering his room or of his presence in general, but nothing came. Reggie’s eyes stayed closed, and his head was turned to the wall where his bed stood against. Against any impression Reggie wasn’t sleeping though. From where he lay on his stomach Alex couldn’t see the chest rising irregularly but Reggie’s hands were grasping the sheets next to his head and then loosened up before gripping the material again. He wasn’t as peaceful as one could think when entering.
Taking one step to the bed after closing the door as quietly as possible Alex was still unsure how to proceed. “Luke texted me to come over. He’s downstairs if you need him. Your parents aren’t home?”
Again, no reply from Reggie’s side. With his head turned and his hair falling into his eyes Alex couldn’t see Reggie’s face or decipher his expression. He wasn’t crying, that much Alex had been aware of, but he may have missed the signs because Reggie had always been a silent crier. Had to in a household like this.
But when he was in this state, he was rarely shedding a tear, which added to Alex’s discomfort. Crying was an emotion he was much more familiar with then just blank staring and hollow expression.
In contrary to Luke Alex was well adjusted to comforting upset people, had to console his sisters often in his life and held Reggie more often than he had liked, but he was always there when needed. He wasn’t running at the sight of one tear falling down the cheek. He knew Luke didn’t do it out of lack of compassion or sympathy, but he was fast to join in and start crying too and all the words would leave him and that didn’t help at all. So Alex was texted when there was need for more than a hug and a pat on the shoulder.
But Alex hadn’t found a solution yet for this situation. Neither had Luke or Bobby. No one knew how to deal with this side of Reggie and Reggie also didn’t. Or he would’ve told them when the tell-tale signs started. But he never did. If he was trying to hide the whole affair, Alex wasn’t sure, but he would be happier if Reggie confided in him.
Instead he lay in bed and his friends worried over not knowing what to do. Talking wasn’t happening when he was like this. At least no full sentences. A few words were said here and there but that was it. Usually rambling on about Star Wars or any other movie he had seen previously or going on about physics or math when they covered a new interesting topic in school, it was strange to hear nothing coming out of Reggie’s mouth, nothing but silence. Alex would take an hour-long monologue about sequels and prequels and what was better and why because the silence in the room gave Alex the chills.
“Is it okay if I come into bed with you?” With neither a yes nor a no Alex was unsure if he should go on but closeness had never been a problem in their friendship so he hoped Reggie would protest if Alex did anything to make him uncomfortable.
Seeing as the most space was between Reggie and the wall Alex climbed over Reggie’s body, careful to not bump into him and lay down on top of the duvet Reggie was hiding under. It was pulled up to right under his chin, so Alex would’ve been able to look into his face if Reggie hadn’t turned around once Alex joined him in bed.
Alex didn’t take it personally, didn’t think Reggie disliked him in this moment, he was just prone to withdraw from anyone.
Alex was pretty sure Reggie wouldn’t answer him, but he proceeded to talk nevertheless. Just to fill the silence and prevent Reggie from getting into his head too much, using his words as some kind of distraction.
“When did you wake up today? It’s almost two pm now but I’ve been up till eight, I think. Daisy was done sleeping and that meant I was too. She said mummy gets cranky when woken up at Saturday.” A breathy laugh escaped Alex before he could prevent it from doing so but continued. “She’s right but I would prefer mum being a bit more snappy than usual than me losing sleep on a weekend. Particularly when Luke will pester us all day with lyric changes here and working on the riff there and ‘hey Alex it would be great if you sang a line’ even though he knows I would never sing in front of people that aren’t you guys.”
Despite the time the room wasn’t lit with rays of sunshine, the curtains were still closed, preventing any light to come through the window and the room was dim but not completely dark. The mood seemed cozy, fit for a Saturday afternoon nap but Reggie wasn’t taking a nap. It would be better for him to do so but who knew if he had slept at all last night or was able to. Alex just hoped his self-deprecating thoughts weren’t too harsh on him last night.
Throwing a glance to Reggie, he noticed he hadn’t moved in the slightest. Alex lifted a hand and brought it to Reggie’s arm that lay between them. He wasn’t startled or flinching when Alex started moving his fingers over the exposed skin. Going up and down the arm, drawing circles and other shapes, playing with a finger and moving up again to his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.
Reggie showed no sign that he was enjoying it, but he wasn’t discouraging the moving either and Alex hoped it was at least calming.
Reggie never talked about it once it was over. He would get back to his usual self, sometimes a few hours later, sometimes days, but he would always bounce back. He would smile again and start talking, but not about his feelings. It was like he was embarrassed even though there was no need to but no matter how often his friends confirmed they didn’t mind Reggie would shut down when the topic was brought up.
The only things they gathered were bits and pieces when Reggie didn’t think before speaking and didn’t realize what he was saying in the moment just being his usually rambling self. Alcohol helped loosening his tongue, but Alex wasn’t keen on taking advantage of that, rather waiting on Reggie telling them bis his own choice.
They knew Reggie wasn’t able to talk. It was like his mouth was sealed shut and no matter how badly he wanted to say anything it didn’t work. The words formed in his throat and then got lost on their way up, forbidden to get out past his lips.
Another thing was his body feeling like it was filled with stones. Reggie joked once in a drunken state he felt like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, but instead of falling into a well he was confined to his bed, unable to move or get up for the smallest things.
The last thing they had picked up on was Reggie’s thoughts going haywire in his mind. Not like they normally did when Reggie would jump from one topic to another in a matter of seconds and you didn’t know how he could start with the birth of stars and end up with hierarchy in dolphin classes. No, it was more like getting overpowered with thoughts you don’t want to have in the first place and wouldn’t wish on anybody else.
Reggie rarely gave insight in his mind, but it was clear he wasn’t thinking positive things indicated by the frown on his forehead and his furrowed eyebrows and Alex wished he could take some of them to brighten up Reggie, but it didn’t work like this.
Alex wished he could read Reggie’s mind, not just to counter his negative thoughts but so he knew what Reggie needed. It was unlikely he stood up once today or he would’ve texted them he would be late to practice or not coming at all, but it also meant he had nothing to drink or eat yet.
Inching a bit closer he draped his body over Reggie’s upper body and laid his cheek on Reggie’s shoulder. “I love you Reg. Luke loves you too and Bobby feels the same even when he doesn’t show it outright. Someday he will join in on our cuddle piles without having to be threatened first. We will get there with him. I don’t know why he wouldn’t want to cuddle with us. I mean, you’re so comfy.”
An idea ran through Alex’s mind then. He had totally forgotten. Usually it was already on Reggie whenever he saw him but the only time he was not wearing it was in bed, exchanging it in favor of a washed out band shirt.
Climbing over Reggie once again, he searched the messy floor and then through the equally messy closet until he saw the red fabric and pulled out Reggie’s flannel to drape it over him just to see how Reggie pulled it closer and buried his nose in it. “Thanks.” Came a small murmured reply and Alex smiled. Progress.
“Anything for you buddy.”
As he was already standing, he walked down into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and interchanged some words with Luke, who sat worriedly on the couch, feeling as helpless as always, not that Alex felt any different.
Re-entering the room, he saw that Reggie moved in his bed and had turned to his side closer to the wall, so Alex still wasn’t able to really look at him. Telling Reggie there was water next to him he climbed back into bed behind Reggie and hugged him from behind. He refrained from pulling Reggie in too tight in case he needed space. It was like Reggie wanted to cuddle but at the same time he was always shifting as if there was a nervous energy cursing under his skin, making him restless to lie in bed all day but couldn’t get up nonetheless. A whine escaped him as if he was discontent with the situation too and Alex couldn’t blame him.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to do anything today. We can practice tomorrow or on Monday. We can lay here in bed and take a nap if you want.” Alex proposed and assured Reggie it was okay that they needed to put off rehearsal. Reggie always blaming himself for the smallest things, so Alex was sure he was currently upset with himself for missing out on practice.
Reggie shook his head as best as possible, so no sleeping then. Alex would’ve liked it better for getting Reggie out of bed anyway or else he would lay here for days if he didn’t get better before.
It reminded him of last summer holidays when all the boys were gone on vacation except for Reggie, whose parents didn’t want to pay for a trip and didn’t allow him to go with any of his friends. When the other three visited him once they were all back, they had found Reggie in bed, ignoring them as they had thought before realizing that Reggie wasn’t responding at all and getting confused as to what the problem was. It had taken hours until Alex coaxed Reggie out of bed, and he admitted to not really leaving the room for almost a week except for the bathroom and the occasional snack.
Since then there were a few more occasions where it happened but not as bad as that summer. The boys were still angry with Reggie’s parents for not noticing their son not leaving the house or even his room. But now Reggie had them, even though it felt like they didn’t help at all. But they could make sure he was at least drinking a bit and took in some food.
But getting him out of bed was the first step to get him back on track.
“Should I play some music on my phone?” Alex asked, searching for a way to fill the silence.
Awaiting an answer Alex was already fishing for his phone in his pocket when Reggie turned in Alex’s arms to face him and shook his head again before burying it in Alex’s chest. “Okay no music, do you want me to keep talking or be silent?”
Reggie put a finger shortly on the corner Alex’s mouth and tapped once and Alex interpreted it as talking.
Starting with the dance recital of his other sister Lara, going over a show he was watching yesterday, briefly complaining about his parents and then stating his anxiety for the presentation he had to hold next week, Alex filled half an hour with his stories before Reggie lifted his head and opened his eyes for the first time since Alex was there. His eyes were out of focus and he wasn’t directly looking at Alex and he could see the sadness linger there. It was heart breaking to see but today was not about Alex’s feelings.
“Hey there.” Alex whispered, not raising his voice much for the short distance they were laying away. “You maybe want to take this to the couch? We can watch the show I told you about. Or not. We could also watch that animation series you like so much.” He proposed.
It was always easier to get Reggie to do something that wasn’t new for him. Don’t get him to walk somewhere where he hadn’t been before. The best place was the beach or better stay at home. Don’t get him to eat something he hadn’t tried yet; cereal was fine or a sandwich. Best to listen to his favourite band and watch shows he already binged through several times.
Reggie didn’t agree to Alex’s question, but he hadn’t outright refused yet, so Alex was positive he could get him down in the living room in the next hour.
“You don’t have to put on pants if you don’t want to. Have seen you in underwear enough times already.” Alex was proud to see the smallest smile appear on Reggie’s face. Although it was only there for like two seconds.
When Reggie didn’t make a move to get up yet despite the accommodations from Alex the problem had to lay elsewhere. He knew it was hard for Reggie to just do something even if it was just getting from laying down to sitting up, but you had to start somewhere.
“Do you want me to tell Luke he can go home? He wouldn’t be mad, I promise. Would be good for him to work on some homework anyway.”
Reggie seemed to contemplate before nodding tentatively while nibbling on his lip and Alex shoot Luke a message, knowing he wouldn’t be upset over it. Reggie would probably feel guilty to exclude Luke like that and make him leave without a word for him, without explaining, but one person around him was enough today.
Alex pocketed his phone again and sat up to make room for Reggie. “Okay, he wishes us a good day and we’ll see each other on Monday. Bobby also wrote and said he has chocolate cake from nana if you’re up to it tomorrow.” Alex could swear there was a light glimmer in Reggie’s eyes at the mention of chocolate but that could’ve easily been imagination. He would text Bobby later either way to bring it over tomorrow. At least to snatch a piece for himself.
“Come on, I’ll wrap you in a blanket if you get up, and put on Adventure Time. You won’t get the worm anymore at this time of the day, but I’ll make you a sandwich.” Alex should really restrain from saying these dumb jokes, they were almost just as bad as Reggie’s and that was saying something. But what wouldn’t he do to see his friend smile again.
Giving Reggie’s knee a light pat, Alex got up and left the door open behind him knowing Reggie would follow in a few minutes. He didn’t like having the full attention on him and wouldn’t move a finger if Alex was watching him the whole time.
Walking into kitchen Alex searched for all the ingredients he needed for a cheese sandwich and prepared one for Reggie and one for himself, he would be here a while he assumed. No way his parents would make sure that Reggie left his room and ate when Alex wasn’t around.
Additionally he made a cup of tea for Reggie, some orange flavoured one Reggie liked in the moment. Who in their right mind drank orange flavoured tea, Alex thought. But it was a step up from the turmeric beverage he tried last month and didn’t further questioned it.
When he came into the living room, he saw Reggie slouched down on the couch already in the promised blanket. It looked adorable and Alex would snap a picture right now but there was no need to keep reminding Reggie of his downstate.
Sitting down in the remaining space Alex put Reggie’s feet in his lap and then gave him his plate while munching on his own sandwich. The plate was shaky on Reggie’s stomach and Alex could see him only picking at the bread, taking crumbs out of the dough and playing with it between his fingertips.
Instead of scolding him Alex put on the show and tried to be invested in the plot. He didn’t know the characters very well even after watching dozens of episodes when Reggie insisted on rewatching it. Alex suspected he did it out of comfort hence why he suggested it in the first place.
Glancing at Reggie out of the corner of his eye he could see him taking tiny bites from the sandwich before putting it down after finishing half of it, instead taking the tea in his hands letting the warmth seep into his hands. He was only taking small sips too before putting both the cup and the plate on the coffee table in front of them next to Alex’s own empty plate.
Reggie sighed once and his whole demeanour, the sagged shoulders to the dropped head and the fingers not fiddling with his flannel, looked as if he had the whole world on his shoulder dragging him down deeper into the cushions, making him unable to move.
Alex wasn’t sure if Reggie was really watching, his eyes seemed unfocused as if lost in his head again and that wouldn’t do.
Searching for something to say Alex was reminded of an earlier conversation in the studio when the three of them were waiting on Reggie.
“Did you know that Luke bet with Bobby who could get a gig faster? I’m afraid it will end in one of them getting a slap in the face again, otherwise I don’t know how they would pull it off. They’re relying too much on their charm and flirting, that may work with doe eyed girls who are still going to high school but not grown up woman who could be our mothers.” Alex underlined his disgust with a shudder.
“Honestly the more I think about it the more objectionable I find the whole thing. I should talk some sense into them when we see each other on Monday. And then I will get us a gig and laugh in their faces. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do.” While nodding to himself Alex grabbed for the tea, drinking some before it got too cold to taste decent. Which it didn’t even now Alex found out, putting it back and pushing it more in Reggie’s space to remind him indirectly to drink some more.
“Or not. Or maybe I will. We’ll see, I can be useful too. Yes, I know I’m the drummer and all but that’s nothing special, it doesn’t take the finesse needed for guitar playing or….or I don’t know, I’m rambling sorry. If you want me to stop talking just say so.” Alex realized he had been talking all over the characters conversations although Reggie was probably able to mouth every word after watching it so many times.
Taking to brushing over the skin at Reggie’s exposed ankles under the sweats Reggie must’ve put on after Alex left for the kitchen. Alex was weirdly proud that Reggie was able to do so, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about this.
Putting on clothes was one of the first steps one did in the morning, every morning, it was hard for him to imagine a time where it would be difficult or straight up impossible. Sure, he had days where he would love to stay in bed and snuggle deeper into his pillow and not go to school but it was more a thing of his laziness or on bad days his anxiety prevented him from thinking logically enough to see that it wasn’t that terrible out there. But he at least always managed to swing out of bed and go on with his day, but Reggie…he couldn’t decide for himself. Alex saw how demanding it was for him to perform the simplest tasks.
He just wished Reggie would talk to them. Whenever Alex’s anxiety flared up the boys were there for him, helping him as much as they could as long as he could remember. Was Reggie thinking they wouldn’t do the same for him? Alex hoped that wasn’t it or he would get the impression he failed at being his friend but on the other hand he knew how badly Reggie was handling emotions, almost just as bad as Luke or worse Bobby. Okay, maybe all his friends were just incapable of handling their emotions.
Not that Alex was an expert, he just knew when to let them go and how to express them in a way that made sense to others and knew some coping mechanisms from his therapy, but apparently that made him the most mature in that department among his friends.
Pulled out of his thoughts suddenly, Alex felt Reggie shifting next to him. First, he lifted his feet off Alex’s legs and then spun around so he was now laying down in Alex’s lap. Alex used the opportunity to play with Reggie’s hair. Reggie wasn’t allowing that much but without any hair products in them Alex deemed it safe enough to do without any repercussion.
Reggie’s head was once again turned away from him in the direction of the TV, but Alex could see him squeezing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath as if preparing for something strenuous and then there was Reggie’s small voice, just a little more than a whisper.
“Thank you.”
“You already said that, and you don’t have to.” Alex reminded him.
“Just let me. You don’t have to be here but I’m glad you are.” Reggie was talking slowly as if every word had to be dragged out of him. “Sorry for letting you hang guys, I just couldn’t-it was impossible….I just wanted to stay in bed.”
“I know buddy.” Alex said with a soothing voice while still carding his hand through Reggie’s hair and using his other to interlace it with one of Reggie’s and squeezing once. “We can go back to bed later, okay, but for now let’s just watch some more of whatever you want, you have free choice today, use it wisely.”
Alex was once again relieved to see the smallest smile around the corners of Reggie’s mouth, and he was sure tomorrow would be better. It always was.