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Heechul decides upon the moment his memories come slamming upon him that this lifetime, he’s done. He’s done with the comedic tragedy he’s had to live through lifetime after lifetime. Even if he knows it’s a lie—that he will never give up on Jungsoo—maybe it’s time for them to take a break from their never-ending fight against this cursed fate.
But then the years pass in peace and happiness, and Heechul grows up thinking that this lifetime is the best shot they’ve been given thus far. The adults coo at him, his friends tell him he has the face of an idol, and so he begins to formulate a plan.
If he becomes a world known idol, would he be able to find his way back to Jungsoo? Heechul begins dreaming about all that could be, and before he knows it, he’s on his way to audition at SM Entertainment.
# sad teukchul hours: open #
Heechul’s fists are clenched so tight his knuckles are white as snow, and he slams it down against his leg repeatedly. His very useless, broken leg that can’t even feel a thing. Less than three metres away, his comrade and secret lover lay bleeding on the dirt, eyes dim and lips trembling.
Jungsoo is dying.
And he’s a crippled soldier who can’t even save the man he loves. He hears someone approaching, and with a desperate yell he twists his body and digs his pocket knife through flesh and bone, not caring whether it is friend or foe. The body falls and Heechul sees that it is indeed an enemy, but it is of no consolation. Soon, more will arrive, and it is only time before both he and Jungsoo are killed.
Someone yells, with many more voices answering in a foreign tongue, and that’s when he knows their end is here. He closes his eyes and calls upon the memories of that morning, just hours before everything went on flames. When he’d woken up to the sound of Jungsoo returning from the market, and the way they’d bickered over the freshness of the eggs he’d bought.
It may be selfish of him to think so, but Heechul wishes they will kill him first, if only so he won’t have to watch Jungsoo die because of his uselessness. Several shots are fired in rapid succession, and his eyes fly open of their own accord to the gruesome sight of his dead lover with a hole between his eyes wide open. It’s barely a second before he’s the next to go, but the final visual he sees before his death is one he knows will haunt him for lifetimes to come.
# ಥ‿ಥ #
They find each other again as farmer and merchant.
Heechul happens to belong to one of the families Jungsoo’s farm provides for, and once he sees Jungsoo’s name, Heechul makes a personal trip down immediately.
Their reunion is teary, with Heechul spilling endless apologies for failing to protect Jungsoo before, and the latter kindly assuring him that it’s okay—they have this lifetime to make up for it.
And Heechul does. He buys Jungsoo’s farm, gathers intelligent men and expands it into a profitable business that promises wealth even for the Parks in generations to come. There are talks amongst the rich, of how Park Jungsoo had whored himself into Kim Heechul’s good graces. Heechul swears he will ruin them for insulting his lover once he gains favour within the royal court.
His goals are admirable, but they leave him blind and unguarded. One night on their return from a business trip together, they are ambushed by bandits, likely hired by a fearful lord. No matter how skilled Heechul may be in the art of a sword, he becomes nothing less than worthless when poisoned arrows find their way through his arm and tendon.
He yells for the guards to take Jungsoo and make for cover. But no one comes; the grunts of his men and the thud of bodies is familiar to him in a way that makes his blood run cold. He wraps Jungsoo tight against his chest, swearing that he will protect him this time.
# ಥ‿ಥ #
Heechul grows up in an orphanage after he is abandoned for missing a leg at birth. There are many like him in this place—kids that have been abandoned for various reasons. For the first time, Heechul begins to suspect that he is cursed. Each time he is reborn as human, there is bound to be something amiss with his leg. He hopes he doesn’t find Jungsoo in this place; the mistreatment he has had to endure is one he will never wish upon someone he cares for.
He’s grateful when he finds that their roles are reversed this time. At age fifteen, he instantly recognises the thirty-seven year old Jungsoo he receives by the entrance.
“Heechulie…?” The well-dressed man’s voice is choked, his eyes red rimmed.
“It’s me,” Heechul grins from where he leans against the wall, a tooth missing from one of his recent fights with an older bully. “I guess we found each other again, Jungsoo-ah.”
No one speaks about the odd conversation that happened there with a child and a well-off man, because the orphanage is given a hefty sum of donation in exchange for the adoption rights of one nameless, problematic boy with a birth defect.
Heechul learns soon that Jungsoo has been diagnosed with a terminal disease, and that he had wanted to find Heechul before his inevitable demise.
“I’m glad I found you,” Jungsoo sobs one night, when it feels as though his end is nearing. “I’m glad I’m able to make sure that you will at least live even after I am gone.”
And in his wheelchair, twenty-five year old Heechul squeezes the older man’s frail hand as tightly as he can, willing Jungsoo to feel his grip, his warmth. “No, Jungsoo-ah. We’ll live together till our hair is grey. This time for sure.”
But he doesn’t. Jungsoo, at age fifty-six, passes in his sleep, leaving everything to his adopted son Park Heechul.
# ಥ‿ಥ #
The next time they meet are as enemies.
Kim Heechul, a criminal wanted by law. Park Jungsoo, a law enforcer. It’s almost prophetic.
Their paths first cross this lifetime during a raid, Heechul’s identity hidden behind bulletproof privacy glass. Too ashamed to reveal himself to his lover as he is, Heechul makes a decision to go into hiding. Due to the nature of his profession, he has connections that can keep him safe under the radar for the rest of his life even after he retires, and that’s what he intends to do.
He just underestimated Jungsoo’s profession, having briefly forgotten the intensity of his lover with a set goal. This time, it’s Jungsoo who aims a gun at Heechul and fires, crippling him for life. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the look of horror on Jungsoo’s face when he realises who the criminal he’s been chasing for years is for more lifetimes to come. After all, it’s the only time their eyes ever met.
“I’m sorry,” Heechul whispers every chance he gets. “I’m so sorry, Jungsoo-ah.”
Unsurprisingly, he gets sentenced to life in prison for his crimes. Without kin or any close confidants, Heechul is destined to a lonely life in a solidarity cell. Everyday he holds hope that Jungsoo will come by, even if it is in the name of justice, but days and months and years pass, and he never does.
One day, when he is lonely and sad and afraid, Heechul takes the risk of asking his guard in a joking tone, “Hey, how’s the officer that arrested me doing? Is he the big boss man now or something?”
And the guard had given him a look of absolute distaste before spitting, “Officer Park had been killed in the line of duty shortly after your arrest. Unlike you, he was a great man who had been of great service to our country.”
It’s then that he realises he’s only solved one half of the puzzle. The curse isn’t simply about his damned leg, it includes the never-ending torture of him living on after Jungsoo’s death. If one could die from heartbreak, Heechul would’ve died then. But because they can’t, he lives on as an empty shell, anticipating his death and the next time they will meet again.
# ಥ‿ಥ #
Each lifetime comes and goes, some better than the rest, but all of them ending in ways that remind Heechul of their first. Him, helpless. Jungsoo, dead.
No matter what he does, Heechul’s love is not enough to save them both. After many lifetimes of meeting similar ends, he’s beginning to think it never will be.
# modern day #
As he weeps alone in his home, cradling his leg that hurts so much he thinks he’s going to die, a thought comes to Heechul. Maybe this is it for him. Maybe this is where he should stop, for Jungsoo... and the team’s sake.
This lifetime has indeed been better than most—there are no wars or famine, no foreign threat always waiting for the moment when the both of them are happiest before coming to rip it away from them. Despite his broken leg, Heechul has managed to stay with Jungsoo for more than two decades, gaining what he’s come to view as a big family on the way.
And maybe that’s why the fates decided to rob Heechul of Jungsoo’s memories this time round.
He sniffles and wipes his tears, denying himself of the right to complain about what fate has decided for him when he’s the one who’s let Jungsoo down all those lifetimes. He reaches for his phone, typing out a long message of his feelings to the group, and before he can hesitate, presses Send.
This choice is the right one, he tells himself. Despite all the difficulties they’d had to live through, Jungsoo is still alive and well now, isn’t he? And it’s all because he doesn’t have his memories. This is his answer.
Jungsoo comes knocking on Heechul’s door deep in the night hours later, when he’s just been staring at the ceiling and willing himself to sleep since he had a talk with his doctor. Heechul wipes at his tear streaked cheeks before rushing for the door when he sees the monitor, and Jungsoo crashes his lips against his own in a brutal kiss at the entryway.
“Jungsoo, wh-”
“Fuck you, Kim Heechul,” Jungsoo seethes, and Heechul is stunned into silence. Jungsoo’s reaction is beyond what he had been expecting. He sees then that the Super Junior leader is in his white pyjamas and mismatched slippers, his hair messy and sticking out in all directions.
“Fuck you,” Jungsoo repeats, fists curled around Heechul’s shirt. “You don’t get to do that to us. To me. Not after all I did to keep us together.”
Heechul covers Jungsoo’s fists with his hands, chest hurting from the raw pain in his voice. “Jungsoo-ah, my leg is already—”
“I don’t care,” Jungsoo snaps, sounding more in control yet seeming more hysterical at once. “I never had, and I never will—”
“But it’s unfair to the team—”
“In the name of the fates,” Jungsoo scoffs softly, and Heechul’s heart skips a beat. “This isn’t just about them. This is about us. About how much we had to suffer before we got to this point.”
Heechul doesn’t dare to believe it. But it’s beginning to sound like it. “Jungsoo-ah, you…”
Jungsoo looks at him with those eyes Heechul knows better than the back of his hand. It’s the look of the Jungsoo he loves, and of the Jungsoo who loves him. “I do remember everything, Heechul-ah. How can I possibly not when it comes to you?”
To think Heechul believed he’d cried his tear glands dry. He’s tearing up again at an alarming rate, all the strength used to keep himself together sapped away. Both of them slip onto the floor, Heechul’s hands still covering Jungsoo’s own. His grip loosens, and their fingers instantly find each other, tightly entwined.
Many failed attempts later, Heechul finally manages a choked, “But why?”
Jungsoo’s smiling through his own tears and when he answers, “For the same reason you didn’t try and get me to remember, silly. I thought things might just turn out okay if we weren’t together.”
Heechul’s shaking his head furiously even before he finishes his sentence. “No, you bloody idiot Dogteuk. That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said in all the lifetimes I’ve known you.”
It’s an odd kind of chemistry between them that both laughed at Dogteuk. It’s a term Heechul came up for Jungsoo this lifetime, the only one where the man known as Leeteuk exists. After a good cry in each other’s arms, they reassure the other members who’d been spamming both their phones with texts and calls that they’re talking things out privately and shift to Heechul’s red couch, his head laying on Jungsoo’s lap.
That’s when Jungsoo tells him to stay and that he’ll punch anyone who talks bad about Heechul because of his injuries, and Heechul falls a little more in love with Jungsoo. “It’s not just because I need you,” Jungsoo says with that gentle yet firm voice, “The team needs you, Heechul-ah. This lifetime isn’t simply about us anymore, don’t you think? We’ve got so much to live for.”
And when Jungsoo puts things that way… he’s right. Even while believing he’s lost the love of all his lifetimes, Heechul has gained so many things he doesn’t think he can live without any longer. He massages the leg that’s brought him so much pain with one hand, the other still holding Jungsoo’s, and asks the one question he’s been afraid of hearing the answer to all this time.
“Jungsoo-ah… You’ve really seen me at my worst. All those times I failed in protecting you… Did you ever curse fate for binding us together?”
He waits, and he waits, but the answer doesn’t come. Gnawing on his lower lip, Heechul risks looking up to find Jungsoo already looking at him with a gaze so full of affection he feels like weeping for the third time that night.
“Heechul-ah. To be honest, there are times when I thought I really hated you. God knows how many times I’ve felt that way just this lifetime.” They both manage a chuckled at that. “But it was never because of the ways I died. It’s over small things like you hogging the blankets or neglecting to blow out the candles before we sleep. Each and every lifetime, even when everything else was different, the only thing I was certain about was my love for you.”
Heck, this man is too good with words for his own good. Heechul sniffles again and burrows his head closer to Jungsoo, who pats his back like one would a child. In that moment, a beep sounds from one of their phones, and they hear Hyukjae’s voice through the speakers.
Jungsoo-hyung! The members all agreed we’re meeting in the morning, got it? Heechul-hyung, if you’re listening, I love you, I love you, I love yoooou! We’re definitely not going to let you leave just because you can’t dance with us on stage, okay! Talk to you later, I love you, and Jungsoo-hyung too!
The message ends with another beep, and this time the tears in Heechul’s and Jungsoo’s eyes come from the kind of laughter that robs them of their breaths. “That’s such a Hyukjae thing to say,” they agree. And it’s in that moment, when his heart is overflowing with happiness and love, that it dawns on Heechul for the first time that he’s fine with this lifetime being his last.